Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Goober and the Ghost Chasers"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Y'know what it's been a while since we've talked about? Scooby-Doo cash-grabs! As I stated before in my reviews of Jabberjaw and Fangface, Hanna-Barbera and Ruby-Spears greenlit dozens of cartoons in the 1970s that were basically just Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? except instead of a dog, it was, say, a wisecracking shark or an actual ghost or a sentient car or something. And that character would be the only truly unique part of the show.

Perhaps the most blatant of these cash-grabs was Goober and the Ghost Chasers. Why? Because its Scooby-Doo equivalent was still a dog!

They couldn't have at least made Goober, I dunno, a Komodo dragon or a musk ox? It HAD to be a dog? Why didn't you just call him "Not Scooby" or "Scooby-Two" while you were at it?

Well, anyhow, Goober and the Ghost Chasers aired for one season of sixteen episodes on ABC in 1973. Goober, voiced by Paul Winchell using his Tigger voice, is a goofy dog who traveled around with three teenagers named Fred... I mean, Ted (voiced by Jerry Dexter), Daphne... I mean, Tina (voiced by Jo Ann Harris), and Gilly (Ronnie Schell), who actually WASN'T a Shaggy knockoff personality-wise. They worked for Ghost Chaser magazine and encountered ghosts, using their fancy high-tech equipment to determine whether or not the ghost is real. Sometimes, they'd meet a real ghost who would help them defeat the fake ghost. That's kind of neat, I guess. Two things set Goober apart from Scooby: he could turn invisible (I don't think it's ever explained why) and even though he could talk to the audience, the humans in the show couldn't understand him (again, I don't think it's ever explained why). Also, characters from The Partridge Family frequently showed up. Apparently this is because Hanna-Barbera already had the actors on hand for a Partridge Family cartoon they were working on, and they figured having the characters appear in Goober would increase the chances of the show being a success.

I've never watched a single episode of this show - I don't know if reruns ever aired on Boomerang, which is how I was introduced to most of Hanna-Barbera's other cartoons (I loved their "Boomerang Zoo" block!). But you can find episodes of the show via the Internet Archive, which is a great place to go if you feel like watching Hanna-Barbera cartoons, so guess what? We're going to watch the seventh episode of the show, "The Haunted Wax Museum". This is Goober and the Ghost Chasers!

The episode starts off with our three human leads staring directly into our souls. This makes for a very eerie way to start the first episode of the show I've ever watched. Also, I know I said that Gilly wasn't a Shaggy knockoff personality-wise, but he SOUNDS a lot like Shaggy. In fact, he sounds more like Casey Kasem than any of the "modern" Shaggy voices I've heard (even Scott Innes!).

Is Tina actually an alien impersonating Carol Burnett?

Jeez, never thought I would type THAT sentence...

It's revealed that the teens and Goober are working on a jigsaw puzzle. They've almost completed it when Goober sneezes and sends the pieces flying everywhere. Either Goober has very powerful sneezes or those puzzle pieces are flimsily-made, because I don't think a sneeze should be enough to cause the whole puzzle to fall apart.

Gilly yells at Goober for messing up the puzzle, and then Goober does... this:

"Ooh, I think there was somethin' in those brownies I got from the shady guy in that alleyway..."

Before Gilly can yell at Goober some more, the gang gets a call from Laurie Partridge (Susan Dey). Apparently, the Partridges have a day off between concerts, so they thought it would be fun to visit the local wax museum. But there's something weird going on there...

Could it be that none of the other Partridges have their eyes colored in?

Why are wax museums always places where evil or creepy stuff goes on? I've never even been to a wax museum, but based on the fact that cartoons and moves always portray them as the lairs of crazy villains who trap people in wax to put on display, I don't think I'd want to even if there WAS one near me.

Anyway, Laurie thinks that the wax museum is haunted. And considering that a Marie Antoinette statue suddenly walks off the little staircase it's been posing on, she might be on the money.

GAH! Those pupils! Something tells me Laurie is scarier than any of the ghosts
we're going to see in this episode...

"Okay, gang! Let's get out the equipment and get moving!" Ted declares. After making sure they have everything they need in their "Apparition Apparatus", the gang heads out.

Take a look at the Ghost Chasers' car. Not exactly the Mystery Machine, is it?

It looks like a giant litter box.

When they get to the wax museum, they are greeted by the owner, Mr. Willy Waxman... who, judging from the permanent evil sneer on his face, is totally gonna be the episode's villain. He tells them that the museum is closed and that there's no one inside but his wax figures. Suspicious, is it not?

Did the animators run out of white paint before they could color in the characters' eyes?

Ted thinks it's strange that the Partridges apparently left the museum before they got there. Adding to the confusion, the Partridges' bus is still parked nearby. Now, I've never seen the original Partridge Family show (it went off the air years before I was born) so I had to use Google to make sure the Partridges really did have a bus like this in the original show. Sure enough, they did. Very bold of the Partridges to have Piet Mondrian paint their bus for them.

The paint job in the cartoon is slightly different, though - in live action, it was all reds, blues, whites and yellows. But hey, why should the OTHER colors of the rainbow be left out?

I don't have a car, but if I did, I'd probably paint it to look like that. It'd make finding it in a
parking lot very easy.

The three Ghost-Chasers and their dog sneak into the museum through the back (I guess Mr. Waxman didn't lock the back door for whatever reason), and Axl Heck... I mean, Ted suggests that they split up to find the Partridges. Gilly will go off with Goober and Ted will go off with Tina, presumably so they can go make out in a closet or something. Gilly and Goober don't find the Partridges, but they DO find Marie Antoinette... or rather, her g-g-g-g-GHOST!

So, is the idea that the ghost of Marie Antoinette possessed the wax figure of her that
Mr. Waxman built, or did the statue just come to life on its own? I'm not sure...

Goober makes a run for it, but Gilly does not - like I said, he's not a total Shaggy clone. Instead, he attempts to take a picture of Ghost Marie, and Goober needs to run back over and carry him off. TV Tropes compares this to Scooby and Scrappy-Doo's dynamic - and this show actually PREDATES Scrappy!

Goober must be stronger than he looks if he can carry Gilly like that.

Eventually, Goober and Gilly meet back up with Ted and Tina, and they discuss the situation while driving around in little buggies. Gilly complains that he could've gotten a great photo of her if it weren't for Goober... y'know what, I've decided that I don't like Gilly. He's an ungrateful pill. To be fair, though, what exactly could Marie Antoinette's ghost do to Gilly? Let him eat cake?

Coincidentally enough, the gang runs into the Partridges, and now they just have to find a way out. And for some reason they decide to leave Chris (Brian Forster) and Tracy (Suzanne Crough) in the "Children's Favorites" section of the museum while they look for an exit... wait a minute, WHAT? You're in a museum that seems to be HAUNTED, and you're just going to leave two kids alone while you go off looking for an exit? You might as well just put signs reading "HEY, EPISODE'S VILLAIN - KIDNAP US!" on them! Haven't you ever heard of "safety in numbers"? And if you're looking for a way out, here's an idea - why not the way you came in? The back door, presumably?

"All right, this is a stick-up! Hand over the money or the Partridge Family gets it!"

Just to make sure it's safe, Ted scans the room with his "specter detector". It claims that there are no ghosts inside, just wax statues of characters like Little Bo Peep, Robin Hood, and Davy Crockett. "This should be the safest place for them," Ted says. "Besides, we'll be right back." Again, I think it's a really bad idea to leave these two kids alone in what appears to be A HAUNTED BUILDING. Can't you at least leave Goober with 'em just in case?

After abandoning Chris and Tracy (Danny and Laurie, you are not going to be winning any "Sibling of the Year" awards), the others head off to find a way out, unaware that they're being watched - by Mr. Willy Waxman. Yep, he's the bad guy. And here's something else that might surprise you: Goober is a DOG.

"In case you're wondering why the lower half of my body has mysteriously vanished,
I'm not going to tell you... because I honestly have no idea either. The abilities of the 1970s
cartoon villain are an enigma."

The Ghost Chasers promptly run into another sentient wax figure, Blackbeard.

Here's a joke for you: what do you get when you cross a pirate with a deer?
A buck-aneer! Please laugh. I'm trying so hard...

For some reason, none of the Ghost Chasers are freaked out by the fact that what's either a ghost or a wax figure that came to life is standing in front of them and claiming that they'll "rue the day" they met him. Another one of Goober's sneezes sends Blackbeard flying backwards, prompting Gilly to yell at him again... okay, I swear he just called Goober "Scoob". Did Gilly forget what cartoon he was in for a second?

When Blackbeard returns, Gilly starts taking pictures of him, apparently too stupid to realize that the pirate means them harm. "He's ridick-alick-alick-alick-aleh!" Goober points out, his only line in the episode thus far. Hey, Goober, just a suggestion - let Blackbeard abduct Gilly. He's just going to yell at you again if you DO try to rescue him.

That is one ugly dog...

Goober saves Gilly, then tells the audience, "This guy with the beard-o is a real weird-o." Goober, you need to fire the guy who's writing your material. I think even Yogi Bear would be cringing at that. Well anyhow, Goober, Gilly, and Danny (Danny Bonaduce) hide out in a room with a statue of Montezuma in it. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was my agent's wife," Danny quips. Okay, see, Goober, THAT'S funny. Maybe you should have DANNY write your material.

While Goober is goofing around with Montezuma's headdress, Willy Waxman shows up and some WHACKY SHENANIGANS ensue.

"Goober, what are you doing on the ceiling?"

"Oh, y'know, just hangin' around..."

"Boooooooooooo!"

"I'm warning you! You and your meddling friends better leave here immediately! Or you may never leave here at all! Understand?!" Mr. Waxman declares. Meanwhile, back in the "Children's Favorites" section, Chris and Tracy go inside the house of that woman who lived in a shoe and discover an escalator that takes them to... well, we don't see what the room looks like. Instead, we cut back to Ted, Tina, and Laurie, who pop inside the "Hall of Royalty" and discover that the wax Cleopatra statue is alive as well.

Was Cleopatra a redhead?

Ted and Tina attempt to start up an interview with Cleopatra, but she's not exactly in an "answering questions" mood. Then they encounter more sentient wax figures - like Attila the Hun, who turns out to have a tape recorder under his armor. Which explains why Attila's lips weren't moving when he talked (I figured it was just an animation error), but if ALL of the wax figures had tape recorders in 'em, how come Cleopatra's lips DID move?

Gilly, Danny, and Goober meet back up with the others, and then Tina notices that there's a diamond hidden behind Goober's ear. "That must've fallen off of Montezuma's headdress when Goober was wearing it!" Gilly points out. Ted declares that they should find Chris and Tracy and then get out of the museum ASAP, but when they head back to the "Children's Favorites" section, they don't see Chris and Tracy anywhere. Gee, maybe you shouldn't have left them alone in a HAUNTED MUSEUM, idiots.

So now that they've got two missing kids on their hands, what do the Ghost Chasers Plus Two Partridges do? Split up again, of course! Which leads to Gilly, Danny and Goober running into Montezuma, who is all "RETURN MY DIAMOND OR ELSE!". Goober decides to mess with him a little.

"Phyllis Diller called, she wants her hat back!"

We then cut back to Ted, Tina, and Laurie, who encounter Cleopatra again. After escaping from her, they meet back up with Gilly, Danny and Goober, then they all hide out in the "Hall of History". But wouldn't you know it, Goober's sneezes give them away - and blow off Cleopatra's head, revealing that she's actually Mr. Waxman in disguise!

"It looks like someone's been playing games with us!" Ted says. So what's Mr. Waxman's motivation? Well, he was a vaudeville star whose shtick was that he could disguise himself as somebody else in the blink of an eye, from Marie Antoinette to Blackbeard to Montezuma to Magilla Gorilla's sister.

...I've got nothing.

For once, the good guys do something smart and run off while Waxman is dancing around in his ape costume, much to his outrage. Then Goober finds a secret panel in the wall that allows them to find Chris and Tracy.

Sorry, kids, but they're not holding auditions for The Incredibles yet.

Chris and Tracy show them where they found the masks they're wearing - the waxworks where they make the statues. Turns out, the museum is a front for a gang of jewel thieves, who are loading the statues with real jewels. And since it's been established that Willy Waxman is EEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL, he must be the leader of the jewel thieves.

"Say hello to my two henchmen, who didn't show up earlier because... actually, I have
no idea where they were!"

The two henchmen manage to corner Ted, Tina, Laurie, Danny, and Gilly, but Goober subjects them to more WHACKY SHENANIGANS and then knocks over the waxworks with another sneeze. Dear lord, how strong are this dog's sneezes? The villains wind up trapped in their own wax, and Chris and Tracy called up the police. The day is saved, they've got a great story for their magazine, and Goober still has a cold. Somebody get this dog some Tylenol.

"Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Uh, I mean, Goober-Doober-Doo!"

What's the Verdict?

Goober and the Ghost Chasers has very little going for it. There's nothing here we haven't already seen done better in Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? or one of the other Scooby-Doo copycats Hanna-Barbera has produced.

The characters? Utterly flat. Ted and Tina are just Fred and Daphne 5.0, and I really didn't like Gilly. Even Goober is a really blah character, basically just being an uglier Scooby-Doo minus the big appetite and with the "turning invisible" shtick that really doesn't have any reason or point to exist. He barely even talks, and when he DOES talk nothing out of his mouth is funny, meaning that Paul Winchell is pretty much wasted as his voice.

All of the jokes - not just the ones involving Goober, ALL OF THEM - are extremely unfunny. The animation is typical mediocre 1970s Hanna-Barbera animation - fine for the most part, but errors abound (they actually didn't do the animation for the show, it was farmed out to Eric Porter Studios in Australia). The Partridge Family doesn't add much to the show. And on top of that, this episode is looooooooooooooooong. Needlessly long. You could've cut one of the "let's have the characters split up" scenes and I think the episode would've been better off for it. And hey, now that I think about it, what was the point of the tape recorder thing when all of the other wax figures were revealed to be Mr. Waxman in disguise? Was it supposed to be a red herring?

So, yeah. Would I recommend watching Goober and the Ghost Chasers? No. Is it an AWFUL show? Again, no. Is it the worst Hanna-Barbera show ever? Far from it. It's not nearly as stupid as Yo Yogi or as dull as something like CB Bears. But I doubt I'll be watching any more episodes.

And for what it's worth, Hanna-Barbera isn't the only animation studio that's copied themselves. Warner Bros. made a show where the whole premise was "these characters are just the Looney Tunes characters, but younger and they aren't actually the Looney Tunes characters". How many times now has Disney done had a character in their movies that's a hoofed animal who acts like a dog? And then there's DreamWorks... people liked Gingy from Shrek, so they included MORE "cute little character with a high-pitched voice who's put in peril for comedic purposes" characters in at least two other films (the shrimp in Shark Tale and Mort in Madagascar). So how come Hanna-Barbera is getting singled out?

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Jackie Chan Adventures"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Ohhhhhhh yeah. This one has been on my "to review" list for a long time.

Jackie Chan Adventures is probably the most well-known of cartoons that star a celebrity as themselves, although in this case, while Jackie Chan acted as an executive producer and appeared in some live action segments on the show, he didn't voice his animated counterpart - James Sie, who has since voice-matched Jackie as Monkey in Kung Fu Panda stuff, did. The show premiered on The WB as part of their Kids' WB block on September 9th, 2000 and ran for five seasons. TV Tropes describes the show as being "chock full of creative set pieces and physical comedy, just like a live action Jackie Chan film". I'll have to take their word for it because I've never actually seen any live action Jackie Chan films (I know, I know...).

In the show, Jackie Chan is not an actor but a professional archaeologist, though he's still gifted in martial arts. He lives in a world where magic and supernatural forces exist, but are unknown to much of humanity - including him, until he finds a magical talisman sought out by a criminal organization called The Dark Hand. Why do they want it? Because they're gonna use it to unleash an ancient demon dragon named Shendu (also James Sie) onto the world so he'll give them the treasure of Qin Shi Huangdi. Natch. Jackie is contacted by a government organization called "Section 13", led by his friend Captain Black, and they spend the series trying to stay one step ahead from The Dark Hand. Also along for the ride are Jack's uncle simply called Uncle (Sab Shimono) and his reckless eight-year-old niece Jade (Stacie Chan).

So it was basically just five seasons of Jackie Chan and his relatives running around trying to find magical artifacts before some evil person got their hands on them first. I'm not sure how big of a fanbase the show has nowadays, but it was clearly popular enough to get five seasons. As for me, I never watched it. At least I don't THINK I ever did. I never watched much of Kids' WB, I don't know if we even had that channel. But what luck, you can now find the show on Tubi, which means I can watch an episode and see if Jackie Chan Adventures is just as good as you'd expect a cartoon show starring, y'know, Jackie Chan to be. Apparently the first season is considered the show's best, so I'll watch an episode from that one - how about the fifth episode, "Shell Game"? This is Jackie Chan Adventures!

The episode begins on a tropical island not too far away from the Coloring Between the Lines is For Chumps Mountains...

I know it's a stylistic choice, I'm just making a joke...

...where two guys named Nelson and Andrews find a tortoise. Nelson notices something encrusted onto the tortoise's shell - a strange abstract carving of a rabbit. What could it mean?

Well, before we find out, we are treated to the show's intro. Something neat about it is that the animated Jackie Chan keeps turning into the actual live action Jackie Chan for a second. It does kind of highlight how little Jackie's animated counterpart looks like him, but it's still a pretty neat effect.

Now I'm wondering what it would be like if Jackie Chan became the new host of Blue's
Clues. My mind goes to weird places sometimes...

After the theme song, we see Jackie teaching Jade what I think is tai chi but I don't know for sure because I'm not exactly an expert on martial arts. Although I did take karate lessons when I was little. I don't think I've ever actually had to USE karate since I took those lessons, but I figured that was worth mentioning.

Jade doesn't really understand what tai chi or whatever martial art they're doing is and just wants to learn how to be a lean mean fighting machine. "Don't be in such a hurry," Jackie tells her. "Slow and steady wins the race." He starts to tell her the story of The Tortoise and the Hare, but she's not in the mood to listen to one of Aesop's Fables.

I know I've brought this up before, but... have you ever noticed that the moral of The Tortoise and the Hare isn't exactly "slow and steady wins the race"? The tortoise wins not because he's slow and steady but rather because the hare decides to take a nap in the middle of the race, thinking that since he's so fast he can nap and STILL beat the tortoise. So really, the moral's not "slow and steady wins the race", it's "don't be cocky and take a nap during a footrace, idiot".

Apparently, Jade is based on Jackie's actual nieces. I don't know if any of them
are actually named Jade, though.

While eating breakfast, Jade sees a report on TV about that tortoise from the beginning of the episode, who has been given the name Aesop (get it?). He's the star of the new Galapagos Island exhibit at the Bay Aquarium.

This show takes place in San Francisco. I've never been there, so I don't know
if their aquarium has a tortoise (I checked their website, they don't mention it at all).

The report also mentions the little rabbit carving embedded in Aesop's shell. Nobody is quite sure what it is, or why it's there. But Jade knows what it is - a talisman. You see, the talismans they're looking for in the show are all based on animals in the Chinese zodiac: there's a rooster, an ox, a snake, etc. This kind of messes up the "Tortoise and the Hare" thing they're going for, because hares aren't featured in the Chinese zodiac, whereas rabbits ARE. But most people seem to assume that rabbits and hares are the same thing anyhow (the hare, to quote Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, is a much larger mammal).

Maybe it's some sort of subtle advertisement for Nesquik?

Jade tells Jackie that she saw a talisman on the tortoise's shell, and Jackie points out that there's a rabbit in the Chinese zodiac. Clearly this situation calls for some investigation.

We then cut to The Dark Hand's eeeeeeeeeeeeevil headquarters, where the organization's leader, Valmont (Julian Sands), walks in on another member, Finn (Adam Baldwin), channel-surfing. He spots the very same report about the tortoise on TV and makes a call on his cell phone. Uh oh, looks like Jackie's gonna have some competition for getting his hands on that talisman...

What are those little lines under Valmont's eyes supposed to be? It kind of looks like
he's wearing eyeliner.

Then we see Jade in school, and because she isn't paying attention, her teacher decides to give her an extra credit assignment. Don't most students who aren't paying attention just get sent to the principal's office or something? Well, anyway, she's nice enough to let Jade choose the topic herself, and you know she's gonna use that as an excuse to join Jackie in his investigation. Sure enough...

Is it just me, or does animated Jackie Chan kind of look like Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm imagining an Alvin and the Chipmunks adaptation with Jackie Chan
as Dave. Like I said, my mind goes to weird places sometimes.

"There really is a talisman on the tortoise. And if you saw it on TV, we can bet The Dark Hand did too!" Jackie points out. Jade is skeptical, but guess who shows up? Members of The Dark Hand, of course!

From left to right, we have Finn (the red-haired one), Tohru (the big and muscular one, voiced by Noah Nelson), Ratso (the Frankenstein's Monster-looking one, voiced by Clancy Brown), and... I'm honestly not sure what the name of the buff guy with the skin tan and the sunglasses is. So I'm just gonna call him Mort.

Maybe they're not here to get the talisman. Maybe they just wanted to visit the aquarium.
Maybe they just really like fish.

Of course we get a pretty cool fight scene, but despite Jackie and Jade's best efforts, the bad guys manage to leave with the tortoise. Hopefully they just want to remove the talisman and then let the tortoise go. I'd prefer if no reptiles were harmed in the making of this episode. Also, there's a shark.

No, no, Jackie, it's just "jumping the shark". Not "jumping OFF the shark".

The bad guys carry the tortoise onto a plane waiting for them outside - except for Ratso, who has an octopus stuck on his head and is trying to get it off. Instead of trying to get some answers out of him, Jackie brings up the "slow and steady" thing again, much to Jade's frustration.

Back at The Dark Hand headquarters, Valmont is talking to Shendu, who at this point in the show is stuck inside a statue mounted to the wall. He complains to Shendu about how expensive all of these talisman-hunting schemes are and how he's not making any money from it. "Patience, Valmont... slow and steady wins the race..." Shendu hisses. So, let me guess - the moral of this episode is going to be about brushing your teeth twice a day, right?

"I swear, if I have to hear one more idiot ask you, 'Hey, where'd you get that ugly thing
hanging up on your wall?', I'm going to go berserk."

On the plane, Tohru manages to pry the talisman off the tortoise's shell, and Finn calls Valmont up to tell him that. When Valmont finds out that they have the tortoise with them, he says, "Prepare for a detour. I have an acquaintence that I'm certain will pay top dollar for our endangered friend." Then Finn gets a call from Ratso and tells him that they'll pick him up. As for Jackie, he manages to get rid of Jade by tricking her into getting into a taxi with Uncle. Ha ha, Jade, you just got PUNKED!

"I'll show him! I'm going to take a dump in his car!"

Fortunately for Jade, Uncle is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal, so she can trick him into thinking that she's been possessed by the "ruler of the rabbit realm" and that she must fulfill her destiny so he should release her at once. Quick question: where exactly are Jade's parents? Do they know their daughter is getting involved in these dangerous missions with Jackie? Is this ever addressed?

Jackie follows Ratso to a dock where the other bad guys are waiting for him. That acquaintance of Valmont's is there, too - Dr. Carl Nevour, and what does he plan on doing with the tortoise? Eating it. You've heard of turtle soup, haven't you? Yes, apparently some people eat tortoise. I do not know what it takes like, and I plan to never find out... I have made a vow to never eat any kind of animal that I haven't already eaten (pig, cow, chicken, and turkey). I don't care how bison tastes, they're way too cool an animal to be eaten.

That tortoise seems oddly happy for someone who's about to get eaten.

Jackie wants to go after the Dark Hand guys, but Jade doesn't want to leave Aesop to become an entree. "You're okay with letting something that looks just like Uncle get eaten?!" she claims. Their argument is interrupted by Tohru overhearing Jackie's voice, and we get another fight scene. Long story short, Jackie gets his hands on the talisman... for about five seconds. Then Tohru grabs it back.

"Careful! That one, uh, turns you into a chocolate bunny!" Jackie tells Tohru. And since he put THAT mental image in my head...

I'm gonna be honest: what I did here was Photoshop a picture of Tohru's head onto clipart
of a chocolate bunny and then trace it. I tried drawing it myself, but it was too hard.

How fitting that I'm reviewing this episode in April.

What the talisman ACTUALLY does, it turns out, is give somebody super-speed. Now Tohru is a regular Lightning McQueen. Brawn AND super-speed, what a dangerous combination.

"GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!"

Jackie manages to defeat Tohru by knocking over a barrel of oil and letting him slip on it, sending him flying into the plane, which the others have already boarded, and knocking it over into the sea. Now Jackie has the talisman! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, Jade has snuck aboard Carl Nevour's ship. Now she just has to figure out how she's going to save a very heavy tortoise without Carl or his chef finding out. Alas, her best plan is to point at Carl, demand that he release Aesop, and call him a "tortoise-eating creep". Uh oh, I think I know where this is going. Is Carl gonna go all Hannibal Lecter and eat JADE too? Is he a cannibal? I honestly wouldn't be surprised...

"I'll have her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Believe it or not, he actually DOES say that he's going to eat her... but then reveals that he's just joking. Children are much too common for his "sophisticated palate". For a second, I was worried that he was going to use her as bait to lure Jackie to the boat so he could cook and eat HIM instead, but instead he just tells his chef to lock her up and get dinner on the table.

Jackie uses the talisman to become so fast he can actually RUN ON WATER, allowing him to run to the ship and save Jade. With this new ability, he locks the chef in the very same cell that Jade was previously locked up in. As for Shendu, he is not pleased to discover that Valmont and his goons do not have the talisman and summons ninjas to get it.

If only that tortoise was a ninja, too. And a teenager. And a mutant.

Jackie fights the ninjas using speed and cooking spices, and while he's doing that, Jade leads the tortoise out of the kitchen with carrots. But d'oh, Carl catches her in the act. Jade makes a reference to Bugs Bunny (this show DID air on The WB, after all), and then Jackie accidentally drops the talisman, and it rolls over to her, allowing her to pick it up and put it back in the tortoise's shell. Oh, look. Now the TORTOISE has super-speed. It's funny because tortoises are a slow animal.

"Eat your heart out, Turbo!"

Thanks to Aesop's now being the fastest thing alive, he, Jackie, and Jade manage to escape the ship, leaving Carl to deal with the ninjas. The day is saved!

The episode ends with a live action segment where Jackie Chan talks about how much he loves TV. Considering that this is a TV show, I feel like this is some sort of propaganda...

What's the Verdict?

So, that's Jackie Chan Adventures, and it's another show I found just okay. The animation is decent, the voice actors all do a good job, the characters are likeable enough (Jade can be a bit much, but I stomach her fine for the most part), the fight scenes are cool, and the jokes are at least sort of funny. Honestly, I'm not sure the show really needed to star an animated Jackie Chan... aside from being good at martial arts, the main character's being Jackie Chan didn't have much bearing on the show's plot at all. I feel like you could've just made him a brand new character just INSPIRED by Jackie Chan and not much would have changed. Granted, having him be Jackie Chan probably helped draw peoples' attention to the show more than it would have if it had been an original character... I dunno, as a whole, I think the show is fine for what it is.

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Let's Watch This: "Rolie Polie Olie: The Great Defender of Fun" (2002)

Do you remember Rolie Polie Olie?

There's a very good chance that you do. Produced by Nelvana and created by children's book author William Joyce, the show ran on Playhouse Disney from 1998 until 2004, taking place in a world that would've felt right at home in a Fleischer Studios cartoon - except it was in CGI and all the characters were robots. I loved this show when I was younger - I was lucky enough to be in its target audience during the time when Playhouse Disney had a lot of really great shows. Bear in the Big Blue House, Stanley, The Book of Pooh, Out of the Box... fortunately, you can find all of these shows on Disney Plus now, but it's not quite the same.

Rolie Polie Olie was a pretty popular show, if not to the same level of popularity as Bear in the Big Blue House. But it did have one thing that Bear didn't have - a movie. In fact, it got TWO movies! Both of them straight-to-video, but still, a movie's a movie. 2002 saw the release of the first Rolie Polie Olie movie, Rolie Polie Olie: The Great Defender of Fun.

I remember watching this movie when it came out on DVD, and liking it well enough, but I haven't seen it in years. Does it hold up? Well, I found the film on YouTube (which is convenient, since it doesn't seem to be on Disney Plus and I no longer have the DVD), so why don't we find out?

The movie begins in a galaxy full of sentient planets and stars, triumphant music playing in the background, before we come across... what I could only possibly describe as nightmare fuel.

Seriously, that clown head with the purple skin alone is gonna appear in my
nightmares, I just know it...

This, a narrator tells us, is the faraway "Galaxy of Goofs", and it's been invaded by a dark force. The master of gloom, the pirate of pleasure, the worstest, baddest bot in the universe (the narrator's words, not mine)... Gloomious Maximus! He's nasty, he's diabolical, and worst of all, he's voiced by James Woods! AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

...uh, is that blood on his chin?

With his "Un-Funarators", which kind of look like the speaker horns from gramophones, he can suck the fun out of EVERYTHING! In other words, he's the Rolie Polie Olie equivalent of those guys who complain about cartoon mascots being used to advertise sugary cereal to kids. Y'know, the people we have to blame for the Trix Rabbit being out of a job?

Gloomious uses his "Un-Funarators" to suck the fun out of the Galaxy of Goofs' residents. Fortunately, who should show up to save the day but Spaceboy and Spacedog, who are basically Rolie Polie Olie and his dog Spot but blue and dressed in chrome. They will defeat Gloomious by... laughing at him. Apparently this villain's weakness is laughter. Ah well, it's better than being defeated by SNEEZING...

"Astro Boy can suck it!"

All of this is just a TV show that Olie, his sister Zowie, and his square-shaped friend Billy Bevel are watching. The narrator tells them to help Spaceboy and Spacedog by laughing as well. It works, the creatures of nightmares are filled with fun again, and even Gloomious' minions are yukking it up. Gloomious is all "DRAT! I've been foiled by LAUGHTER!" and leaves.

Olie and Zowie's mother enters the room and reminds them that it's Zowie's birthday party tomorrow (plot exposition!), then on TV, Spaceboy tells the audience that Gloomious has a new weapon called a "Super-Powerful, Ultra-Gloomerator Glum-Beam" and to call the "Spaceboy Hotline" if they get in a jam. I assume this is more exposition. Also, Blogger's spell-check is getting a pretty good workout from this post.

I'm guessing Billy wouldn't be offended if you were to call him a "blockhead".

Olie, Billy, and Zowie send out invitations for Zowie's party via tiny rockets, because why not? One of the rockets leaves their planet's atmosphere and goes into space - and it's heading right towards a ship that looks a lot like the one Gloomious Maximus was piloting in the show Olie, Billy and Zowie were watching...

Hmmm...

And guess who's piloting that ship? Why, Gloomious Maximus, of course! He's not just a character in a TV show? Does he play himself in the show and then just go out to do evil stuff? Or is the Gloomious Maximus in the show an imposter? I wonder if he's ever considered suing for defamation of character.

Anyhow, the rocket winds up aboard the ship, and when Gloomious reads the invitation inside he makes it his goal to ruin Zowie's birthday party. But first, he's going to sing an awful song about how much he hates fun.

I believe this song is called "The Karens' National Anthem".

Back on the Polies' planet, Olie and Billy have invented what looks like a Nerf gun that shoots bubbles (SpongeBob would love that). Olie's dad and his Uncle Gizmo show up with an invention of their own - a handy-dandy energy refibulator, which can synthesize anything's energy into a powerful ray. For instance, it can take the yummy taste of cookies (does something's taste really quality as "energy"?) and make a yummy ray.

Question: how come some of the robots in this show have hair and others don't? Does Olie
ever feel self-conscious about being bald?

Olie explains that he wants to give the bubble-blowing gun to Zowie for her birthday, but he was hoping it would be a special super-silly ray instead. "Maybe you just haven't got enough silly in it yet," his dad suggests. Perhaps they could use the energy refibulator to refibulate the energy of them being silly and create an actual silly ray.

You're probably wondering why Uncle Gizmo is an Elvis impersonator. I'm wondering that too. Do robots in outer space even know who Elvis is? We never see any humans in this show, but the planet Olie lives on isn't supposed to be Earth (at least I don't THINK it is), so I doubt we're supposed to assume that humanity went extinct or anything.

Anyway, the robots all act silly, and the energy refibulator does its thing and turns the bubble-blowing gun into a gun that blows bubbles that make people act silly. I really hope such a device doesn't fall into the wrong hands...

"Spider-Bot, Spider-Bot, does whatever a Spider-Bot does
Can defy, gravity, when he acts, real silly
Look oooooooooout, he is a Spider-Bot..."

"It works! This is gonna be the A-Number-One-bestest present I ever gave Zowie!" Olie declares. When he and Billy bring up Gloomious Maximus, Olie's dad and Uncle Gizmo reveal that they know about Gloomious Maximus too. When they were small, they watched Gloomious on a show called The Willy and Wally Jolly Hour. Who are Willy and Wally Jolly? Why, only the greatest Defenders of Fun ever. They also looked much more human than any of the other robots we've seen. In fact, they kind of look like prototypes for Rodney Copperbottom, another William Joyce-created robot character.

Wow, Gloomious Maximus hasn't aged a day since then.

...wait a second. DO robots age?

Meanwhile, Gloomious fires his Glum Beam at Olie's hometown of Polieville, which will put everyone to sleep, leaving them powerless to stop him from sucking the fun out of their lives. It doesn't seem to have any effect on Olie, Billy, Zowie, or Spot, but Olie's dad and Uncle Gizmo turn blue and become very, very tired. "It's like they've been... Gloomerated," Olie points out. "Time to call the Spaceboy Hotline!"

Olie calls up the hotline and tells Spaceboy - who ALSO exists and isn't just a TV show character, apparently - about what's going on. He tells Olie that he, Billy and Zowie weren't affected by the Glum Beam because they were wearing party hats, which deflected the beam's power. "Try to keep your chins up! I'll be there as fast as I can!" he declares. Until Spaceboy gets there, Olie decides that they'll have to be Great Defenders of Fun just like Willy and Wally. Oh yeah, and Olie and Zowie's goofy grandpa Pappy shows up, but he's been "Gloomerated" too.

Becoming "Gloomerated" is what happens when you spend too much time on Twitter.

Boy, these jokes are just writing themselves...

Pappy might have been "Gloomerated", but his seemingly sentient dentures haven't for some reason, which is a good thing because Olie, Billy, Zowie, and Spot are gonna need all the help they can get - especially since Gloomious' ship has arrived! Zowie decides to cheer up the "Gloomerated" bots by tickling them, and Olie, Billy, Spot, and the dentures head to the park to stop Gloomious from sucking the fun out of everything.

They use the silly bubble-blowing gun to make Gloomious' minions act silly, but it doesn't work on Gloomious himself. After a rousing game of Keep-Away and the dentures biting Gloomious' posterior, Spaceboy and Spacedog show up to help, as do Zowie and the remainder of the Polie clan, now de-Gloomerated. "We'll laugh you right out of Polieville, Gloomious Maximus!" Mrs. Polie declares.

Gloomious' one weakness - jokes about his weight. When he sits around the house,
he SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.

"Too many laughs! Too much happiness!" Gloomious says, but then he manages to get his hands on the silly ray/bubble blowing gun. Remember what I said about hoping that device didn't fall into the wrong hands? Well, as Gloomious heads back to his ship with the gun, he makes it clear that he has eeeeeeeeeevil plans for it. Olie is bummed that he doesn't have a present for Zowie now, but Zowie says, "Me no need present. Me want Olie happy." Then Mr. Polie gets bitten on the butt by the dentures (they must be very powerful dentures if they can bite characters made of metal).

Olie, Zowie, Billy, Spot, and the dentures are heroes, and Pappy is so happy that he starts tap-dancing. But he winds up busting his "happy gear", which means he can't dance. To make matters worse, they're being interviewed on TV, and Gloomious is watching them, so when he sees this he gets an idea... an awful idea... Gloomious has a wonderful, awful idea...

Curse you, movie, for making me crave cake at 9:16 in the morning.

While Mrs. Polie is finishing up the cake for Zowie's party, Dr. Geary the Gyropractor shows up to help Pappy. He fixes the happy gear, and Pappy can dance again. So, pointless conflict - torpedoed. Let's celebrate with a musical number!

Be warned - once this song enters your head, it will never leave.

I wonder what the mindset was behind making the Polies' house a giant teapot.

Alas, Pappy's happy gear starts acting up again, but all sorts of mail comes in to help fix the problem - a new Happy Gear, a can of oil, etc. None of it seems to work, though. At least until they try the hyperactive giggling pickle (yes, that's in the movie. I did not make that up).

Gloomious' minions drop off another rocket at the house, and when they open it up, out pops a tiny storm cloud that zaps Pappy with lightning and messes up his happy gear once again. Why don't they just use the pickle again? It worked the first time.

Instead, Olie decides that they have to get the silly ray back - then they can just ZAP Pappy back to being happy. Or, y'know, just use the pickle again. But considering that Gloomious' minions are sabotaging the party, culminating in them sending Zowie and Pappy flying away with a giant balloon, maybe it'd just be easier to take down Gloomious once and for all.

"Ground control to Major Tom..."

Mr. and Mrs. Polie hop into their flying car (which looks suspiciously similar to the one George Jetson drives) and go after Pappy and Zowie. They'd better hurry, because Gloomious' minions are on their tail. Eventually, Pappy and Zowie wind up floating right into the clutches of Gloomious, and thanks to his minions' messing with a directional signpost, Mr. and Mrs. Polie are sucked into a wormhole - which, amusingly, is actually shaped like a worm.

Olie, Billy and Spot head into space themselves in a rocket ship they've constructed, followed by Uncle Gizmo on his flying motorcycle. Olie, Billy and Spot make it into Gloomious' ship, and when Gloomious is all "You aren't going anywhere!" Olie reveals their secret weapon - the hyperactive giggling pickle!

"NO, PLEASE, I'M ALLERGIC TO PICKLES!"

While Gloomious is dealing with the pickle, they manage to swipe back the silly ray and fix Pappy for the third time. Everybody heads home, including Mr. and Mrs. Polie who finally make it out of that wormhole. Birthday party time!

So, the day is saved, Gloomious is defeated, Zowie has a great birthday... but wouldn't you know it, the film STILL isn't over. Gloomious has now decided to PULL THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT OLIE LIVES ON TO THE GALAXY OF GLOOM. Dude, know when to throw in the towel. Fortunately, he pulls the planet by a little green planet where two... alien robots, I guess, called the Littlegreens live, so Olie calls them up to ask them if they know what's going on.

Oh, look, there's a beautiful full Gloomius Maximus head in the nights sky...
wait a minute.

Next, Olie calls up the Spaceboy Hotline, but Spaceboy's busy at the moment. So then Mr. Polie gets the idea to pull the planet back to its original spot with his car and Uncle Gizmo's motorcycle. Unfortunately, Gloomious' ship is much more powerful. Fortunately, Spaceboy and Spacedog see what's going on and fly over to help Mr. Polie and Uncle Gizmo. Unfortunately, Gloomious manages to knock Mr. Polie and Uncle Gizmo out by pelting them with bowling balls. Fortunately, the planet that the land on is the very same planet that Willy and Wally Jolly call home. Huzzah!

How does a robot grow a mustache?

The effects of the Galaxy of Gloom are already taking effect, and the Polies are starting to turn into a bunch of Eeyores. But then they get a call from Spaceboy, who tells them that they need more turbo power. Then Mrs. Polie gives Olie another idea - if they get Gloomious' happy gear going again, maybe his heart would grow three sizes. In the meantime, Mrs. Polie and Pappy enlist the help of everyone in Polieville to get the planet away from the Galaxy of Gloom, and Olie and Zowie enlist the help of various Polieville kids to act silly so the energy refibulator can add more silliness to the silly ray. Once it's nice and silly, they give the ray to Pappy just as he's about to take off into outer space.

So now it's basically a tug-of-war for the planet Polie.

If a planet actually WERE pulled to another location in the galaxy, would the clouds
come with it? I legitimately have no idea, I'm not a science expert...

"Cheer up, Gloomious!" Olie says, channeling his inner action movie hero, as he, Billy, and Zowie arrive in Gloomious' ship with the silly ray. Gloomious threatens to suck the fun out of Billy if they don't hand over the ray, but Billy urges Olie to blast him with as many bubbles as possible. Gloomious is overwhelmed, and despite his best efforts winds up being scrubbed of all gloomy thoughts. He even starts LAUGHING, and agrees to let the Polie planet go.

Then Zowie invites Gloomious to her birthday party, and - I know I already made this joke, but it fits the situation perfectly - Gloomious' heart grows three sizes. Or rather, his happy gear starts working. He's so happy he starts singing.

The movie ends with everybody dancing in a conga line to the moon. Make up your own joke here, I've got nothing.

What's the Verdict?

I'm glad I rewatched this. It's hardly Oscar-worthy, but it's a fun little movie. My only complaint is that it's needlessly long. There's a lot of padding that could have easily been taken out - like, did we need to be tricked into thinking that Pappy's happy gear was fixed TWICE before it got messed up again? Also, the songs were kind of weak. Still, it has everything that makes the show good - likeable characters, decent animation, and a cheeryness about it that, in today's more bitter and cynical world, is desperately needed. If you have kids, show 'em Rolie Polie Olie - start with the show, then this movie. They'll probably like it. As for the OTHER Rolie Polie Olie movie, The Baby Bot Chase, we'll look at it another time.

This review is brought to you by... a stick.

It's a stick. You can go outside and find one. And there's so many things you can do with a stick! You can poke things with it, you can feed a beaver with it, you can throw it for your dog to fetch... look, not EVERY review on this blog can be brought to you by something funny.