Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Pet Alien"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Y'know what my only memory of Pet Alien is? I think my family was in an airport and the show (or at least an ad for it) was playing on a TV there. That's it!

Considering that this show, created by Jeff Muncy, aired on Cartoon Network in the United States, it's strange that I never saw any of it when it was on. Premiering at some point in 2004, this is actually a very loose adaptation of a toyline that Jeff Muncy created in the 2000s. The theme song explains the show's premise: a thirteen-year-old boy named Tommy (voiced by Charlie Schlatter) has his life turned upside-down when a spaceship lands on the roof of his lighthouse. From that spaceship emerges five wacky aliens: dinosaur-like Dinko (Charlie Adler), gluttonous and dimwitted Gumpers (Jess Harnell), blue-skinned Swanky (also Jess Harnell), hyperactive parrot-esque Flip (also Charlie Adler), and Dinko's purple dog-ish pet Scruffy. With the exception of Scruffy, they're really not so much pets as they are houseguests.

Two seasons of Pet Alien were produced, making for a total of fifty-two episodes... unless you count each segment as a separate episode (this is one of those "each episode is two segments in one" shows), in which case there were one hundred and four. The show's reception online seems to be pretty mixed, there are some folks who like it and some folks who hate it. Which side will I fall on? Let's find out. We're going to be watching the seventh episode of the show, which consists of the segments "They Came From Outer Space" and "Tentacles of Terror". This is Pet Alien.

"They Came From Outer Space" begins with... a sentient tooth emerging from Gumpers' mouth and diving into a glass of water, immediately followed by black and white stock footage? Okay, it's not a good sign when the first scene is something completely random. This isn't one of those "it's bizarre, so that means it's funny!" cartoons, is it?

After... THAT, we are treated to a jump scare.

GAH!

No, that's not one of the aliens, it's Tommy, our main protagonist. As a rule of thumb, some character designs work much better in 2D than they do in 3D. Case in point, Tommy's design probably looked fine in concept sketches, but when you adapt it into CGI, suddenly he looks more like a human version of the Honeycomb Monster.

Tommy's excited because he's going to see a movie today. I do hope the aliens don't somehow mess up his plans. Before any of them can show up and do anything TO mess up those plans, a tiny rocket ship flies by his bed and goes downstairs, horrifying Dinko, who runs upstairs and assures Tommy that he shall protect him from the rocket ship... and serve him orange juice as well.

"Pet Alien is brought to you by Tropicana. One hundred percent pure squeezed sunshine!"

The other aliens are already awake, and after some more WHACKY SHENANIGANS involving the rocket it hands Swanky a note. Upon reading it, Swanky does a wild take that should be funny but is instead unintentionally horrifying.

There's a reason why, in cartoons, generally the eyeballs themselves just stretch out
instead of having them pop out of their sockets and hang by their optic nerves.

Why is Swanky so freaked-out? Because, according to the note, his parents are coming for a visit. "They're not moving in too, are they?" Tommy asks, something honestly pretty reasonable to ask when you've already got a bunch of aliens taking up residence in your house. Fortunately, Swanky's parents are not moving in. Speaking of parents, where on Earth are Tommy's? Do they ever appear in the show? Do they know that their lighthouse has rejected Space Jam characters living in it?

Dinko assures Swanky that they'll help him, much to Swanky's dismay - according to the flashback, whenever they try to help him, it results in physical pain. Besides, nothing can help Swanky now. "I've accomplished nothing on this stupid mudball of a planet," he moans. "Nothing! All I've done is eat, sleep, and complain about these deplorable living conditions." If he can't impress his parents with some sort of "Earthly accomplishment", they will take him back to his home planet. What kind of "Earthly accomplishment"? Well, he told them that he was going to take over the Earth. Yes, this is that cliched "character tries to impress his parent(s) or some other character they want to impress with bullcrap claims and then has to make it seem like he accomplished those claims when they come to visit, hilarity ensues" plotlines. Top Cat did it, SpongeBob SquarePants did it, Jimmy Neutron did it... name a cartoon, chances are it's done this plotline at some point.

Why does the human look more off-putting than the aliens do?

After some urging from Dinko, Tommy agrees to put the movie he wanted to go see on hold so they can help Swanky. They can't make him ruler of the world, so Tommy suggests they make him supreme overlord of their town instead. They dress him in the finest bathrobe they can buy....

Is it just me, or does Swanky kind of look like the dragon from Doc McStuffins?

...but since nobody is around to give a crap about a skinny blue alien being their "supreme overlord", Swanky decides to throw in the towel... for about five seconds, then he changes his mind. So Tommy has a new idea: they'll just get Swanky's parents to believe that he owns the lighthouse and that they all work for him.

Suddenly, the lighthouse is bathed in spotlights! Ironic, seeing as it's a building designed for projecting spotlights, isn't it?

"TOMMY, THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! SURRENDER YOUR
WACKY COMIC RELIEF SIDEKICKS AND NOBODY GETS HURT!"

And who should show up in a spaceship but Swanky's parents? Unlike their posh, uptight, British-accented son, they're total hicks! Their spaceship even looks like a trailer! Oh, the hilarity!

The mother even farts, because bodily functions are HILARIOUS, aren't they?!

Swanky claims that he had the lighthouse built by his human slaves after he overthrew the town's previous king, Tommy. His parents continue to act like hillbillies with no table manners, and after a long, unfunny sequence of Swanky attempting to belch, they tell him that he's doing fine on "this mudball of a planet" and leave. Well, that was anticlimactic. I suppose I should give them credit for NOT doing the "characters who they're trying to impress find out the truth but assure them that they still love them" ending like every other episode with this plotline does, but I feel like nothing actually happened here.

On the bright side, they can still go to the movie - and I'm not sure if it's intended to be common knowledge that aliens exist in this town or not, but nobody at the movie theater seems all that weirded-out by the presence of a mutated Yoshi and a giant blue bug. Alas, now Swanky has the hiccups. We end on more stock footage.

Okay, next segment...

"Tentacles of Terror" begins with a seagull trying and failing to impress his pals with balloon animals. It's not particularly funny.

Then we cut to Tommy's school, where his teacher (Candi Milo) tells him and his equally creepy-looking classmates that she has a surprise for them. They've got a new class pet - an incredibly unsettling octopus! I looked it up, and apparently it is indeed legal to keep an octopus as a pet. However, I think they need a larger tank than that.

"Hi, kids! I'll be seeing you all in your nightmares tonight!"

The kids all talk about how cool it is that they have an octopus as a pet, and then Tommy for some reason starts knocking on the glass of its tank as though it were a door. Hasn't he ever seen Chicken Little? Sea creatures hate it when you tap the glass.

Sure enough, his knocking on the glass causes the octopus to spring out and channel the Facehugger from Alien. Something to remember if you want to have an octopus for a pet - they're very intelligent and can think of ways to escape. Especially if you don't put a lid on the tank like the teacher apparently didn't.

"CALL ME 'SQUIDWARD' ONE MORE TIME! I DARE YOU!"

For some reason, nobody - not even the TEACHER - attempts to help Tommy and he has to pull the octopus off his face himself. He manages to get it back in its tank, but then like an idiot walks back over to the tank to yell at it, and guess what? It jumps on his face again. Methinks Tommy is a few sodas short of a six-pack... as is the teacher, who announces that Tommy is in charge of the care and feeding of the octopus. This probably isn't such a good idea, because the previous times Tommy was put in charge of the class pets, it did not go so well (probably because of the aliens). 

I don't know who's scarier-looking, the students, the octopus, or the teacher...

After school, Tommy arrives back at the lighthouse to find Dinko, Flip, and Gumpers playing "Who Can Scream the Loudest". And no, Tommy didn't bring the octopus home with him because, sure enough, the aliens are to blame for his failures at caring for the other class pets. Specifically, they ATE them. "Class pets are NOT food!" Tommy exclaims. But he's still going to take the aliens to go see the octopus. I sure hope they have a craving for calamari...

"Oh snap!"

As soon as they step inside the classroom, they see that the tank is empty! Why? Because Gumpers somehow managed to eat the octopus before they even walked in. Fortunately, Tommy spots the tentacles trailing out of Gumpers' mouth and pulls him out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND then the octopus jumps on Tommy's face again. Hey, if it was funny the first time... oh, wait. No, it wasn't funny.

Well, maybe it'll become funny if we keep doing it, right? Oh, wait. No, it won't.

The next morning, Tommy is horrified to discover that the aliens let Squiddly Diddly out of his tank and brought him back with them to the lighthouse. They assure him that they'll keep an eye on him, but he winds up escaping the lighthouse very quickly and gets brought back by Tommy's annoying classmate and next-door neighbor Melba (Candi Milo). Then he jumps onto Tommy's face again. Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck.

Tommy, with the octopus still stuck to his head, heads downtown with Gumpers and Dinko. And once again, nobody raises an eyebrow at the presence of ALIENS. Then they bring him back to the school and put him back in his tank. But guess what he does? He jumps onto Tommy's face again! Are you laughing yet?!

That night, Gumpus finds a nature show while channel-surfing that's talking about octopi. The show's host claims that octopi live in the ocean, making Gumpus and Dinko come to the conclusion that the octopus that Tommy has for a class pet belongs in the sea.

I know I say "this character is a Patrick knockoff" in my reviews a lot, but honestly,
this guy even LOOKS LIKE Patrick. Even Entree and Dave weren't this blatant.

Of course, they don't bother talking to Tommy about this before they decide to bring him down to the beach to throw him back into the ocean. Fortunately, Tommy somehow manages to guess where they are and catches them in the act. But he decides to let them set the octopus free anyway, ensuring him a failing grade. Or maybe not - his teacher understands when he explains the situation to her, and she decides to give him another chance. Now he has to take care of his class's pet... rock.

This was an actual fad at one point. I guess everyone eventually realized, "Wait,
this is just a rock."

Being the massive idiot that he is, Gumpus attempts to set the rock free by throwing it at Swanky's head. As for the octopus, he becomes gigantic with no explanation. The end.

What's the Verdict?

Pet Alien is not worth your time. At first I was thinking "Okay, this isn't GOOD but it's not AWFUL..." but as the episode went on, the cons outweighed the pros.

The animation is mediocre - I give them credit for attempting squash and stretch in television CGI (which is a rarity even nowadays), but the low budget shows. The aliens are okay, but the humans and animals look really off-putting. The characters? Meh. Tommy is a generic straight man kid protagonist we've seen in two or three other shows airing on Cartoon Network at the time. Dinko and Swanky are okay, which I think mainly stems from the performances that Charlie Adler and Jess Harnell give. The other aliens, meanwhile, are either boring (Flip) or annoying (Gumpus). Very few of the jokes are funny, I didn't even mention all of the jokes about bodily functions here.

I know TV Tropes claims that the show gets better as it goes on, but I still have to put it in the "lousy" category. Cartoon Network was airing much better shows when Pet Alien was on. Of course, it was airing worse shows too, but I would not recommend watching Pet Alien, even if you can find episodes of the show on YouTube.

This review has been brought to you by...

Footwear is very important - especially if you're an athlete. Whether you're running in a marathon...

Playing basketball...

Or in the middle of a football game...

...you've gotta have the right shoes. At MIKE, we make shoes specifically for your active lifestyle. They're also very comfortable, so you don't have to worry about blisters or anything like that. Oh yeah, and they all look like this:

They might not look like the best shoes to wear when you're doing sports, but trust us, they are. Just ask these famous athletes...

"Who the heck are you guys? How did you get into my house?"
- Derek Jeter

"You want me to wear those puffy yellow things while I'm on the court? Are you serious? I was in Kazaam, I'd like to keep whatever dignity I have left..."
- Shaquille O'Neal

"These shoes are fantastic. They're the best things to wear when you're on the football field. You should totally buy them.

There, I said it. Can I please go home now?"
- Patrick Mahomes

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Goober and the Ghost Chasers"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Y'know what it's been a while since we've talked about? Scooby-Doo cash-grabs! As I stated before in my reviews of Jabberjaw and Fangface, Hanna-Barbera and Ruby-Spears greenlit dozens of cartoons in the 1970s that were basically just Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? except instead of a dog, it was, say, a wisecracking shark or an actual ghost or a sentient car or something. And that character would be the only truly unique part of the show.

Perhaps the most blatant of these cash-grabs was Goober and the Ghost Chasers. Why? Because its Scooby-Doo equivalent was still a dog!

They couldn't have at least made Goober, I dunno, a Komodo dragon or a musk ox? It HAD to be a dog? Why didn't you just call him "Not Scooby" or "Scooby-Two" while you were at it?

Well, anyhow, Goober and the Ghost Chasers aired for one season of sixteen episodes on ABC in 1973. Goober, voiced by Paul Winchell using his Tigger voice, is a goofy dog who traveled around with three teenagers named Fred... I mean, Ted (voiced by Jerry Dexter), Daphne... I mean, Tina (voiced by Jo Ann Harris), and Gilly (Ronnie Schell), who actually WASN'T a Shaggy knockoff personality-wise. They worked for Ghost Chaser magazine and encountered ghosts, using their fancy high-tech equipment to determine whether or not the ghost is real. Sometimes, they'd meet a real ghost who would help them defeat the fake ghost. That's kind of neat, I guess. Two things set Goober apart from Scooby: he could turn invisible (I don't think it's ever explained why) and even though he could talk to the audience, the humans in the show couldn't understand him (again, I don't think it's ever explained why). Also, characters from The Partridge Family frequently showed up. Apparently this is because Hanna-Barbera already had the actors on hand for a Partridge Family cartoon they were working on, and they figured having the characters appear in Goober would increase the chances of the show being a success.

I've never watched a single episode of this show - I don't know if reruns ever aired on Boomerang, which is how I was introduced to most of Hanna-Barbera's other cartoons (I loved their "Boomerang Zoo" block!). But you can find episodes of the show via the Internet Archive, which is a great place to go if you feel like watching Hanna-Barbera cartoons, so guess what? We're going to watch the seventh episode of the show, "The Haunted Wax Museum". This is Goober and the Ghost Chasers!

The episode starts off with our three human leads staring directly into our souls. This makes for a very eerie way to start the first episode of the show I've ever watched. Also, I know I said that Gilly wasn't a Shaggy knockoff personality-wise, but he SOUNDS a lot like Shaggy. In fact, he sounds more like Casey Kasem than any of the "modern" Shaggy voices I've heard (even Scott Innes!).

Is Tina actually an alien impersonating Carol Burnett?

Jeez, never thought I would type THAT sentence...

It's revealed that the teens and Goober are working on a jigsaw puzzle. They've almost completed it when Goober sneezes and sends the pieces flying everywhere. Either Goober has very powerful sneezes or those puzzle pieces are flimsily-made, because I don't think a sneeze should be enough to cause the whole puzzle to fall apart.

Gilly yells at Goober for messing up the puzzle, and then Goober does... this:

"Ooh, I think there was somethin' in those brownies I got from the shady guy in that alleyway..."

Before Gilly can yell at Goober some more, the gang gets a call from Laurie Partridge (Susan Dey). Apparently, the Partridges have a day off between concerts, so they thought it would be fun to visit the local wax museum. But there's something weird going on there...

Could it be that none of the other Partridges have their eyes colored in?

Why are wax museums always places where evil or creepy stuff goes on? I've never even been to a wax museum, but based on the fact that cartoons and moves always portray them as the lairs of crazy villains who trap people in wax to put on display, I don't think I'd want to even if there WAS one near me.

Anyway, Laurie thinks that the wax museum is haunted. And considering that a Marie Antoinette statue suddenly walks off the little staircase it's been posing on, she might be on the money.

GAH! Those pupils! Something tells me Laurie is scarier than any of the ghosts
we're going to see in this episode...

"Okay, gang! Let's get out the equipment and get moving!" Ted declares. After making sure they have everything they need in their "Apparition Apparatus", the gang heads out.

Take a look at the Ghost Chasers' car. Not exactly the Mystery Machine, is it?

It looks like a giant litter box.

When they get to the wax museum, they are greeted by the owner, Mr. Willy Waxman... who, judging from the permanent evil sneer on his face, is totally gonna be the episode's villain. He tells them that the museum is closed and that there's no one inside but his wax figures. Suspicious, is it not?

Did the animators run out of white paint before they could color in the characters' eyes?

Ted thinks it's strange that the Partridges apparently left the museum before they got there. Adding to the confusion, the Partridges' bus is still parked nearby. Now, I've never seen the original Partridge Family show (it went off the air years before I was born) so I had to use Google to make sure the Partridges really did have a bus like this in the original show. Sure enough, they did. Very bold of the Partridges to have Piet Mondrian paint their bus for them.

The paint job in the cartoon is slightly different, though - in live action, it was all reds, blues, whites and yellows. But hey, why should the OTHER colors of the rainbow be left out?

I don't have a car, but if I did, I'd probably paint it to look like that. It'd make finding it in a
parking lot very easy.

The three Ghost-Chasers and their dog sneak into the museum through the back (I guess Mr. Waxman didn't lock the back door for whatever reason), and Axl Heck... I mean, Ted suggests that they split up to find the Partridges. Gilly will go off with Goober and Ted will go off with Tina, presumably so they can go make out in a closet or something. Gilly and Goober don't find the Partridges, but they DO find Marie Antoinette... or rather, her g-g-g-g-GHOST!

So, is the idea that the ghost of Marie Antoinette possessed the wax figure of her that
Mr. Waxman built, or did the statue just come to life on its own? I'm not sure...

Goober makes a run for it, but Gilly does not - like I said, he's not a total Shaggy clone. Instead, he attempts to take a picture of Ghost Marie, and Goober needs to run back over and carry him off. TV Tropes compares this to Scooby and Scrappy-Doo's dynamic - and this show actually PREDATES Scrappy!

Goober must be stronger than he looks if he can carry Gilly like that.

Eventually, Goober and Gilly meet back up with Ted and Tina, and they discuss the situation while driving around in little buggies. Gilly complains that he could've gotten a great photo of her if it weren't for Goober... y'know what, I've decided that I don't like Gilly. He's an ungrateful pill. To be fair, though, what exactly could Marie Antoinette's ghost do to Gilly? Let him eat cake?

Coincidentally enough, the gang runs into the Partridges, and now they just have to find a way out. And for some reason they decide to leave Chris (Brian Forster) and Tracy (Suzanne Crough) in the "Children's Favorites" section of the museum while they look for an exit... wait a minute, WHAT? You're in a museum that seems to be HAUNTED, and you're just going to leave two kids alone while you go off looking for an exit? You might as well just put signs reading "HEY, EPISODE'S VILLAIN - KIDNAP US!" on them! Haven't you ever heard of "safety in numbers"? And if you're looking for a way out, here's an idea - why not the way you came in? The back door, presumably?

"All right, this is a stick-up! Hand over the money or the Partridge Family gets it!"

Just to make sure it's safe, Ted scans the room with his "specter detector". It claims that there are no ghosts inside, just wax statues of characters like Little Bo Peep, Robin Hood, and Davy Crockett. "This should be the safest place for them," Ted says. "Besides, we'll be right back." Again, I think it's a really bad idea to leave these two kids alone in what appears to be A HAUNTED BUILDING. Can't you at least leave Goober with 'em just in case?

After abandoning Chris and Tracy (Danny and Laurie, you are not going to be winning any "Sibling of the Year" awards), the others head off to find a way out, unaware that they're being watched - by Mr. Willy Waxman. Yep, he's the bad guy. And here's something else that might surprise you: Goober is a DOG.

"In case you're wondering why the lower half of my body has mysteriously vanished,
I'm not going to tell you... because I honestly have no idea either. The abilities of the 1970s
cartoon villain are an enigma."

The Ghost Chasers promptly run into another sentient wax figure, Blackbeard.

Here's a joke for you: what do you get when you cross a pirate with a deer?
A buck-aneer! Please laugh. I'm trying so hard...

For some reason, none of the Ghost Chasers are freaked out by the fact that what's either a ghost or a wax figure that came to life is standing in front of them and claiming that they'll "rue the day" they met him. Another one of Goober's sneezes sends Blackbeard flying backwards, prompting Gilly to yell at him again... okay, I swear he just called Goober "Scoob". Did Gilly forget what cartoon he was in for a second?

When Blackbeard returns, Gilly starts taking pictures of him, apparently too stupid to realize that the pirate means them harm. "He's ridick-alick-alick-alick-aleh!" Goober points out, his only line in the episode thus far. Hey, Goober, just a suggestion - let Blackbeard abduct Gilly. He's just going to yell at you again if you DO try to rescue him.

That is one ugly dog...

Goober saves Gilly, then tells the audience, "This guy with the beard-o is a real weird-o." Goober, you need to fire the guy who's writing your material. I think even Yogi Bear would be cringing at that. Well anyhow, Goober, Gilly, and Danny (Danny Bonaduce) hide out in a room with a statue of Montezuma in it. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was my agent's wife," Danny quips. Okay, see, Goober, THAT'S funny. Maybe you should have DANNY write your material.

While Goober is goofing around with Montezuma's headdress, Willy Waxman shows up and some WHACKY SHENANIGANS ensue.

"Goober, what are you doing on the ceiling?"

"Oh, y'know, just hangin' around..."

"Boooooooooooo!"

"I'm warning you! You and your meddling friends better leave here immediately! Or you may never leave here at all! Understand?!" Mr. Waxman declares. Meanwhile, back in the "Children's Favorites" section, Chris and Tracy go inside the house of that woman who lived in a shoe and discover an escalator that takes them to... well, we don't see what the room looks like. Instead, we cut back to Ted, Tina, and Laurie, who pop inside the "Hall of Royalty" and discover that the wax Cleopatra statue is alive as well.

Was Cleopatra a redhead?

Ted and Tina attempt to start up an interview with Cleopatra, but she's not exactly in an "answering questions" mood. Then they encounter more sentient wax figures - like Attila the Hun, who turns out to have a tape recorder under his armor. Which explains why Attila's lips weren't moving when he talked (I figured it was just an animation error), but if ALL of the wax figures had tape recorders in 'em, how come Cleopatra's lips DID move?

Gilly, Danny, and Goober meet back up with the others, and then Tina notices that there's a diamond hidden behind Goober's ear. "That must've fallen off of Montezuma's headdress when Goober was wearing it!" Gilly points out. Ted declares that they should find Chris and Tracy and then get out of the museum ASAP, but when they head back to the "Children's Favorites" section, they don't see Chris and Tracy anywhere. Gee, maybe you shouldn't have left them alone in a HAUNTED MUSEUM, idiots.

So now that they've got two missing kids on their hands, what do the Ghost Chasers Plus Two Partridges do? Split up again, of course! Which leads to Gilly, Danny and Goober running into Montezuma, who is all "RETURN MY DIAMOND OR ELSE!". Goober decides to mess with him a little.

"Phyllis Diller called, she wants her hat back!"

We then cut back to Ted, Tina, and Laurie, who encounter Cleopatra again. After escaping from her, they meet back up with Gilly, Danny and Goober, then they all hide out in the "Hall of History". But wouldn't you know it, Goober's sneezes give them away - and blow off Cleopatra's head, revealing that she's actually Mr. Waxman in disguise!

"It looks like someone's been playing games with us!" Ted says. So what's Mr. Waxman's motivation? Well, he was a vaudeville star whose shtick was that he could disguise himself as somebody else in the blink of an eye, from Marie Antoinette to Blackbeard to Montezuma to Magilla Gorilla's sister.

...I've got nothing.

For once, the good guys do something smart and run off while Waxman is dancing around in his ape costume, much to his outrage. Then Goober finds a secret panel in the wall that allows them to find Chris and Tracy.

Sorry, kids, but they're not holding auditions for The Incredibles yet.

Chris and Tracy show them where they found the masks they're wearing - the waxworks where they make the statues. Turns out, the museum is a front for a gang of jewel thieves, who are loading the statues with real jewels. And since it's been established that Willy Waxman is EEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL, he must be the leader of the jewel thieves.

"Say hello to my two henchmen, who didn't show up earlier because... actually, I have
no idea where they were!"

The two henchmen manage to corner Ted, Tina, Laurie, Danny, and Gilly, but Goober subjects them to more WHACKY SHENANIGANS and then knocks over the waxworks with another sneeze. Dear lord, how strong are this dog's sneezes? The villains wind up trapped in their own wax, and Chris and Tracy called up the police. The day is saved, they've got a great story for their magazine, and Goober still has a cold. Somebody get this dog some Tylenol.

"Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Uh, I mean, Goober-Doober-Doo!"

What's the Verdict?

Goober and the Ghost Chasers has very little going for it. There's nothing here we haven't already seen done better in Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? or one of the other Scooby-Doo copycats Hanna-Barbera has produced.

The characters? Utterly flat. Ted and Tina are just Fred and Daphne 5.0, and I really didn't like Gilly. Even Goober is a really blah character, basically just being an uglier Scooby-Doo minus the big appetite and with the "turning invisible" shtick that really doesn't have any reason or point to exist. He barely even talks, and when he DOES talk nothing out of his mouth is funny, meaning that Paul Winchell is pretty much wasted as his voice.

All of the jokes - not just the ones involving Goober, ALL OF THEM - are extremely unfunny. The animation is typical mediocre 1970s Hanna-Barbera animation - fine for the most part, but errors abound (they actually didn't do the animation for the show, it was farmed out to Eric Porter Studios in Australia). The Partridge Family doesn't add much to the show. And on top of that, this episode is looooooooooooooooong. Needlessly long. You could've cut one of the "let's have the characters split up" scenes and I think the episode would've been better off for it. And hey, now that I think about it, what was the point of the tape recorder thing when all of the other wax figures were revealed to be Mr. Waxman in disguise? Was it supposed to be a red herring?

So, yeah. Would I recommend watching Goober and the Ghost Chasers? No. Is it an AWFUL show? Again, no. Is it the worst Hanna-Barbera show ever? Far from it. It's not nearly as stupid as Yo Yogi or as dull as something like CB Bears. But I doubt I'll be watching any more episodes.

And for what it's worth, Hanna-Barbera isn't the only animation studio that's copied themselves. Warner Bros. made a show where the whole premise was "these characters are just the Looney Tunes characters, but younger and they aren't actually the Looney Tunes characters". How many times now has Disney done had a character in their movies that's a hoofed animal who acts like a dog? And then there's DreamWorks... people liked Gingy from Shrek, so they included MORE "cute little character with a high-pitched voice who's put in peril for comedic purposes" characters in at least two other films (the shrimp in Shark Tale and Mort in Madagascar). So how come Hanna-Barbera is getting singled out?

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Jackie Chan Adventures"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Ohhhhhhh yeah. This one has been on my "to review" list for a long time.

Jackie Chan Adventures is probably the most well-known of cartoons that star a celebrity as themselves, although in this case, while Jackie Chan acted as an executive producer and appeared in some live action segments on the show, he didn't voice his animated counterpart - James Sie, who has since voice-matched Jackie as Monkey in Kung Fu Panda stuff, did. The show premiered on The WB as part of their Kids' WB block on September 9th, 2000 and ran for five seasons. TV Tropes describes the show as being "chock full of creative set pieces and physical comedy, just like a live action Jackie Chan film". I'll have to take their word for it because I've never actually seen any live action Jackie Chan films (I know, I know...).

In the show, Jackie Chan is not an actor but a professional archaeologist, though he's still gifted in martial arts. He lives in a world where magic and supernatural forces exist, but are unknown to much of humanity - including him, until he finds a magical talisman sought out by a criminal organization called The Dark Hand. Why do they want it? Because they're gonna use it to unleash an ancient demon dragon named Shendu (also James Sie) onto the world so he'll give them the treasure of Qin Shi Huangdi. Natch. Jackie is contacted by a government organization called "Section 13", led by his friend Captain Black, and they spend the series trying to stay one step ahead from The Dark Hand. Also along for the ride are Jack's uncle simply called Uncle (Sab Shimono) and his reckless eight-year-old niece Jade (Stacie Chan).

So it was basically just five seasons of Jackie Chan and his relatives running around trying to find magical artifacts before some evil person got their hands on them first. I'm not sure how big of a fanbase the show has nowadays, but it was clearly popular enough to get five seasons. As for me, I never watched it. At least I don't THINK I ever did. I never watched much of Kids' WB, I don't know if we even had that channel. But what luck, you can now find the show on Tubi, which means I can watch an episode and see if Jackie Chan Adventures is just as good as you'd expect a cartoon show starring, y'know, Jackie Chan to be. Apparently the first season is considered the show's best, so I'll watch an episode from that one - how about the fifth episode, "Shell Game"? This is Jackie Chan Adventures!

The episode begins on a tropical island not too far away from the Coloring Between the Lines is For Chumps Mountains...

I know it's a stylistic choice, I'm just making a joke...

...where two guys named Nelson and Andrews find a tortoise. Nelson notices something encrusted onto the tortoise's shell - a strange abstract carving of a rabbit. What could it mean?

Well, before we find out, we are treated to the show's intro. Something neat about it is that the animated Jackie Chan keeps turning into the actual live action Jackie Chan for a second. It does kind of highlight how little Jackie's animated counterpart looks like him, but it's still a pretty neat effect.

Now I'm wondering what it would be like if Jackie Chan became the new host of Blue's
Clues. My mind goes to weird places sometimes...

After the theme song, we see Jackie teaching Jade what I think is tai chi but I don't know for sure because I'm not exactly an expert on martial arts. Although I did take karate lessons when I was little. I don't think I've ever actually had to USE karate since I took those lessons, but I figured that was worth mentioning.

Jade doesn't really understand what tai chi or whatever martial art they're doing is and just wants to learn how to be a lean mean fighting machine. "Don't be in such a hurry," Jackie tells her. "Slow and steady wins the race." He starts to tell her the story of The Tortoise and the Hare, but she's not in the mood to listen to one of Aesop's Fables.

I know I've brought this up before, but... have you ever noticed that the moral of The Tortoise and the Hare isn't exactly "slow and steady wins the race"? The tortoise wins not because he's slow and steady but rather because the hare decides to take a nap in the middle of the race, thinking that since he's so fast he can nap and STILL beat the tortoise. So really, the moral's not "slow and steady wins the race", it's "don't be cocky and take a nap during a footrace, idiot".

Apparently, Jade is based on Jackie's actual nieces. I don't know if any of them
are actually named Jade, though.

While eating breakfast, Jade sees a report on TV about that tortoise from the beginning of the episode, who has been given the name Aesop (get it?). He's the star of the new Galapagos Island exhibit at the Bay Aquarium.

This show takes place in San Francisco. I've never been there, so I don't know
if their aquarium has a tortoise (I checked their website, they don't mention it at all).

The report also mentions the little rabbit carving embedded in Aesop's shell. Nobody is quite sure what it is, or why it's there. But Jade knows what it is - a talisman. You see, the talismans they're looking for in the show are all based on animals in the Chinese zodiac: there's a rooster, an ox, a snake, etc. This kind of messes up the "Tortoise and the Hare" thing they're going for, because hares aren't featured in the Chinese zodiac, whereas rabbits ARE. But most people seem to assume that rabbits and hares are the same thing anyhow (the hare, to quote Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, is a much larger mammal).

Maybe it's some sort of subtle advertisement for Nesquik?

Jade tells Jackie that she saw a talisman on the tortoise's shell, and Jackie points out that there's a rabbit in the Chinese zodiac. Clearly this situation calls for some investigation.

We then cut to The Dark Hand's eeeeeeeeeeeeevil headquarters, where the organization's leader, Valmont (Julian Sands), walks in on another member, Finn (Adam Baldwin), channel-surfing. He spots the very same report about the tortoise on TV and makes a call on his cell phone. Uh oh, looks like Jackie's gonna have some competition for getting his hands on that talisman...

What are those little lines under Valmont's eyes supposed to be? It kind of looks like
he's wearing eyeliner.

Then we see Jade in school, and because she isn't paying attention, her teacher decides to give her an extra credit assignment. Don't most students who aren't paying attention just get sent to the principal's office or something? Well, anyway, she's nice enough to let Jade choose the topic herself, and you know she's gonna use that as an excuse to join Jackie in his investigation. Sure enough...

Is it just me, or does animated Jackie Chan kind of look like Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm imagining an Alvin and the Chipmunks adaptation with Jackie Chan
as Dave. Like I said, my mind goes to weird places sometimes.

"There really is a talisman on the tortoise. And if you saw it on TV, we can bet The Dark Hand did too!" Jackie points out. Jade is skeptical, but guess who shows up? Members of The Dark Hand, of course!

From left to right, we have Finn (the red-haired one), Tohru (the big and muscular one, voiced by Noah Nelson), Ratso (the Frankenstein's Monster-looking one, voiced by Clancy Brown), and... I'm honestly not sure what the name of the buff guy with the skin tan and the sunglasses is. So I'm just gonna call him Mort.

Maybe they're not here to get the talisman. Maybe they just wanted to visit the aquarium.
Maybe they just really like fish.

Of course we get a pretty cool fight scene, but despite Jackie and Jade's best efforts, the bad guys manage to leave with the tortoise. Hopefully they just want to remove the talisman and then let the tortoise go. I'd prefer if no reptiles were harmed in the making of this episode. Also, there's a shark.

No, no, Jackie, it's just "jumping the shark". Not "jumping OFF the shark".

The bad guys carry the tortoise onto a plane waiting for them outside - except for Ratso, who has an octopus stuck on his head and is trying to get it off. Instead of trying to get some answers out of him, Jackie brings up the "slow and steady" thing again, much to Jade's frustration.

Back at The Dark Hand headquarters, Valmont is talking to Shendu, who at this point in the show is stuck inside a statue mounted to the wall. He complains to Shendu about how expensive all of these talisman-hunting schemes are and how he's not making any money from it. "Patience, Valmont... slow and steady wins the race..." Shendu hisses. So, let me guess - the moral of this episode is going to be about brushing your teeth twice a day, right?

"I swear, if I have to hear one more idiot ask you, 'Hey, where'd you get that ugly thing
hanging up on your wall?', I'm going to go berserk."

On the plane, Tohru manages to pry the talisman off the tortoise's shell, and Finn calls Valmont up to tell him that. When Valmont finds out that they have the tortoise with them, he says, "Prepare for a detour. I have an acquaintence that I'm certain will pay top dollar for our endangered friend." Then Finn gets a call from Ratso and tells him that they'll pick him up. As for Jackie, he manages to get rid of Jade by tricking her into getting into a taxi with Uncle. Ha ha, Jade, you just got PUNKED!

"I'll show him! I'm going to take a dump in his car!"

Fortunately for Jade, Uncle is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal, so she can trick him into thinking that she's been possessed by the "ruler of the rabbit realm" and that she must fulfill her destiny so he should release her at once. Quick question: where exactly are Jade's parents? Do they know their daughter is getting involved in these dangerous missions with Jackie? Is this ever addressed?

Jackie follows Ratso to a dock where the other bad guys are waiting for him. That acquaintance of Valmont's is there, too - Dr. Carl Nevour, and what does he plan on doing with the tortoise? Eating it. You've heard of turtle soup, haven't you? Yes, apparently some people eat tortoise. I do not know what it takes like, and I plan to never find out... I have made a vow to never eat any kind of animal that I haven't already eaten (pig, cow, chicken, and turkey). I don't care how bison tastes, they're way too cool an animal to be eaten.

That tortoise seems oddly happy for someone who's about to get eaten.

Jackie wants to go after the Dark Hand guys, but Jade doesn't want to leave Aesop to become an entree. "You're okay with letting something that looks just like Uncle get eaten?!" she claims. Their argument is interrupted by Tohru overhearing Jackie's voice, and we get another fight scene. Long story short, Jackie gets his hands on the talisman... for about five seconds. Then Tohru grabs it back.

"Careful! That one, uh, turns you into a chocolate bunny!" Jackie tells Tohru. And since he put THAT mental image in my head...

I'm gonna be honest: what I did here was Photoshop a picture of Tohru's head onto clipart
of a chocolate bunny and then trace it. I tried drawing it myself, but it was too hard.

How fitting that I'm reviewing this episode in April.

What the talisman ACTUALLY does, it turns out, is give somebody super-speed. Now Tohru is a regular Lightning McQueen. Brawn AND super-speed, what a dangerous combination.

"GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!"

Jackie manages to defeat Tohru by knocking over a barrel of oil and letting him slip on it, sending him flying into the plane, which the others have already boarded, and knocking it over into the sea. Now Jackie has the talisman! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, Jade has snuck aboard Carl Nevour's ship. Now she just has to figure out how she's going to save a very heavy tortoise without Carl or his chef finding out. Alas, her best plan is to point at Carl, demand that he release Aesop, and call him a "tortoise-eating creep". Uh oh, I think I know where this is going. Is Carl gonna go all Hannibal Lecter and eat JADE too? Is he a cannibal? I honestly wouldn't be surprised...

"I'll have her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Believe it or not, he actually DOES say that he's going to eat her... but then reveals that he's just joking. Children are much too common for his "sophisticated palate". For a second, I was worried that he was going to use her as bait to lure Jackie to the boat so he could cook and eat HIM instead, but instead he just tells his chef to lock her up and get dinner on the table.

Jackie uses the talisman to become so fast he can actually RUN ON WATER, allowing him to run to the ship and save Jade. With this new ability, he locks the chef in the very same cell that Jade was previously locked up in. As for Shendu, he is not pleased to discover that Valmont and his goons do not have the talisman and summons ninjas to get it.

If only that tortoise was a ninja, too. And a teenager. And a mutant.

Jackie fights the ninjas using speed and cooking spices, and while he's doing that, Jade leads the tortoise out of the kitchen with carrots. But d'oh, Carl catches her in the act. Jade makes a reference to Bugs Bunny (this show DID air on The WB, after all), and then Jackie accidentally drops the talisman, and it rolls over to her, allowing her to pick it up and put it back in the tortoise's shell. Oh, look. Now the TORTOISE has super-speed. It's funny because tortoises are a slow animal.

"Eat your heart out, Turbo!"

Thanks to Aesop's now being the fastest thing alive, he, Jackie, and Jade manage to escape the ship, leaving Carl to deal with the ninjas. The day is saved!

The episode ends with a live action segment where Jackie Chan talks about how much he loves TV. Considering that this is a TV show, I feel like this is some sort of propaganda...

What's the Verdict?

So, that's Jackie Chan Adventures, and it's another show I found just okay. The animation is decent, the voice actors all do a good job, the characters are likeable enough (Jade can be a bit much, but I stomach her fine for the most part), the fight scenes are cool, and the jokes are at least sort of funny. Honestly, I'm not sure the show really needed to star an animated Jackie Chan... aside from being good at martial arts, the main character's being Jackie Chan didn't have much bearing on the show's plot at all. I feel like you could've just made him a brand new character just INSPIRED by Jackie Chan and not much would have changed. Granted, having him be Jackie Chan probably helped draw peoples' attention to the show more than it would have if it had been an original character... I dunno, as a whole, I think the show is fine for what it is.

This review has been brought to you by...

Need a carpet? Well, you're in luck. As you probably know, Agrabah is known for its fine selection of floor coverings. At Aladdin's Magic Carpets and Rugs, you'll find all sorts of carpets, rugs, and mats that'll make your home just a bit more stylish. Houseguests will "ooh" and "aah" at how nice the floor looks after you buy a carpet from Aladdin's Magic Carpets and Rugs.

But wait, there's more! These carpets, rugs, and mats can also FLY! Which means that not only will your floor look nice, but you can also save on gas prices and just fly on your carpet to wherever you want to go!

Aladdin's Magic Carpets and Rugs: let us show you a whole new world... of floor coverings.