Did You Know? - Fun Facts About "Cars"

Welcome to another edition of a series that I like to call Did You Know?. Inspired a little by the Nostalgia Critic's "What You Never Knew" series, this series will allow me to share with you some interesting tidbits, behind-the-scenes information, and fun facts about an animated movie or TV series. Because I like sharing new information with people.

Cars is without a doubt PIXAR's most overhated franchise. I can understand why the second movie isn't very well-liked, but I've never understood why the first movie gets so much flack. Sure, kids love it, but go online and you'll find lots and lots of hatred for the franchise. But y'know what? I like the first film. So there.

It's been TWENTY YEARS since the first film was released, can you believe it? I remember first finding out about the film when I saw a picture of Lightning and Mater in a magazine (that Nick Jr. magazine that started up in 1999, I think?) and, for some reason, being reminded of Bob and Larry from VeggieTales. Since then, Cars has found a parking spot in the history of animated movies whether animation snobs like it or not. And so, I shall be sharing with you today several fun facts about the film and its history. Did you know any of these things?

A storyboard for the film featuring Lightning, Mater, and Doc Hudson.

1) The film began development as a movie called The Yellow Car or Little Yellow Car, about an electric car who is looked down upon by his gas-guzzling neighbors. Jorgen Klubien came up with the idea while PIXAR was working on A Bug's Life. "In Denmark there has never been car production because the country is too small. Yet in the 1980s some enthusiastic folks got the idea of making a three-wheeled one-person car that ran on electricity," he says in the book The Art of Cars, which also includes concept art for the film. "They put it into production and it worked great in the city, but out on the highway it was too slow. People also thought the car was ugly. I thought the electric car was ahead of its time, and it struck me as odd that my fellow Danes didn't agree. It reminded me of The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen. This famous Danish character wasn't accepted at first, but in the end it proved to be right on the money."

The reason why this version didn't get made is because the story was considered too slim to base a movie around, but it remained an inspiration for the Cars that we got. You can find the original story treatment for "The Yellow Car" on Jorgen Klubien's website.

Concept art by Jorgen for The Yellow Car.

2) While developing the movie, the crew went on a research trip on the actual Route 66. Their tour guide? Michael Wallis, a journalist and historian who has written several books about Route 66 - and who voices the Sheriff in the film. A lot of the people they met and places they visited inspired characters and locations in the film. For example...

3) Fillmore is based on a real person - Bob Waldmire, a self-proclaimed hippie artist famous on Route 66 for his pen-and-ink maps and postcards of the route. In fact, Fillmore was originally going to be named "Waldmire", but when Disney asked him for his permission, he told them that, since he was a vegan, he didn't want them to stick toys of a van named after him in Happy Meal boxes.

An early version of Fillmore was featured in The Yellow Car, too.

4) Would you believe that Mater is based on a real person too? He's named after NASCAR superfan Douglas "Mater" Keever. The filmmakers met him at the Lowe's Speedway while in North Carolina (there's a rise in the infield at Lowe's called "Redneck Hill", where fans stay in tents and pop-up campers. Douglas is the "self-appointed mayor" there). He greeted John Lasseter by saying, "My name's Mater! Like 'tuh-mater', but without the 'tuh'." Y'know, the exact same thing that Mater says to Lightning in the film. Douglas got the nickname because he often chucked tomatoes around a farm owned by his grandparents.

On top of that, Douglas actually voices Albert Hinkley, a minor character in the film (he's the motor home who says "Well, dip me in axle grease and call me slick." Here's a bonus fun fact for you - that was ad-libbed. He originally ad-libbed, "Well, call me lubrication." but producer Darla Anderson made him change it).

Incidentally, Mater was originally going to be a flatbed named Zeb, not a tow truck. But according to John Lasseter, it "wasn't landing" and then he got the idea to make Mater a tow truck and call him "Tow Mater". Physically, Mater is based on a 1951 Harvester International Tow Truck parked outside a gas station in Kansas. Since the film's release, the truck has been repainted to look like Mater and was originally called "Tow Mater", but Disney made them change the name (he's "Tow Tater" now). By 2019, a more screen-accurate Mater was added next to the original.

A photo of Tow Tater.

5) Sally is based on Dawn Welch, the owner of a cafe in Stroud, Oklahoma called Rock Cafe (called that because it was initially built with rocks gathered from the construction of Route 66). The film's poster and a picture of Sally are now hanging up on the walls inside the cafe.

There's also a poster featuring Mickey Mouse, if you look closely.

6) The film's animators drew up over 43,000 sketches for the designs of the cars. "When you try to think of them as living creatures, you kind of question, well, how does this work?" production designer William Lone admitted. "You'll notice there's a lot of buttons in our movie. Buttons that release the gas pump handles and things like that. The animators completely overcame all of those apparent limitations."

"We determined pretty early on that cars are much more interesting when they're driving," Jeremy Lasky, the director of photography camera for the film, said. "So, when we were staging these characters, it was important to figure out ways that they could have their conversations, the scenes could play out as the cars were moving."

7) The mountain range that surrounds Radiator Springs was inspired by an outdoor art installation called Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. It's not an actual mountain range (or a ranch, despite the name), but rather a series of colorful Cadillacs sticking out of the ground. See for yourself:

8) Usually, in animation, when you have a sentient car, its eyes are located in its headlights (see, for example, the talking cars in the Chevron ads). Bob Pauley, the film's production designer, explained that John Lassenter insisted on having the eyes of the characters in Cars be located in their windshields. Why? Well, "For one thing, it seperates our characters from the more common approach where you have little cartoon eyes in the headlights. For another, he thought that having the eyes down near the mouth at the front end of the car made the character feel more like a snake. With the eyes set in the windshield, the point of view is more human-like, and it made it feel like the whole car could be involved in the animation of the character."

One inspiration for the film was a 1952 Disney cartoon called Susie the Little Blue Coupe - specifically, when it came to designing the cars. It starred a car named Susie who, much like Lightning and Mater, had her eyes in her windshield.

A screencap from Susie the Little Blue Coupe.

9) John Lassenter said these words the designers, modelers, and animators: "truth to materials". According to characters department manager Jay Ward, "John didn't want the cars to seem clay-like or mushy. He insisted on truth to materials. This was a huge thing for him. He told us that steel needs to feel like steel. Glass should feel like glass. These cars need to feel heavy. They weigh three or four thousand pounds. When they move around, they need to have that feel. They shouldn't appear light or overly bouncy to the point where the audience might see them as rubber toys."

Directing animator James Ford Murphy concurs. "Originally, the car models were built so they could basically do anything," he said. "John kept reminding us that these characters are made of metal and they weigh several thousand pounds. They can't stretch. He showed us examples of very loose animation to illustrate what not to do."

10) Story artist Matthew Luhn shared some early storyboards for the film on Instagram. According to him, at some point Lightning was to be painted purple and green by the cars in Radiator Springs, his racing number was #58 as opposed to #95 (which is a reference to the year that the first Toy Story was released... whereas Chick Hicks' number, #86, is a reference to the year PIXAR was founded), and his name was Monte. Chick Hicks was originally a red backup car - NASCAR teams typically have a backup car just in case their usual car is damaged during practice - who had turned on Lightning... er, Monte. This, it would seem, was "way too specific" and didn't fit the story they wanted to tell.

Matthew also posted some sketches of characters cut from the film - other vehicles who could be friends for Mater, like a mail truck named Cliff or another pickup truck. Eventually, they decided that it would be better for Mater not to have a best friend yet, so Lightning could fill that role.

Concept art for... I want to say Ramone and Lizzie?

11) Lizzie is a Ford Model T. Some people use "Tin Lizzie" as a nickname for Ford Model Ts. Hence the name they gave their Ford Model T character in the movie.

12) There are several references to Toy Story in the movie. Of course there's the scene during the credits where Mack watches Toy Car Story at a drive-thru, but there's also the fact that Dinoco, the company that Lightning really really wants as a sponsor, is also the gas station where Woody and Buzz get stranded.

On the left is the Dinoco logo as it appears in Toy Story, on the right is the Dinoco logo as it
appears in Cars. Dunno why they swapped out the apatosaurus for a T-Rex.

In addition, some of the cars, including Lightning, wear "Lightyear" tires, an obvious reference to Buzz. Look closely at one of the tires and you'll see that they're listed as being from "Sector 4, Gamma Quadrant" - which is also where Buzz said he was stationed.

Oh, and in case you're wondering where the Pizza Planet Truck is, it's seen in the background as Bob Cutlass is talking about how big the race during the climax is. His name is Todd.

Say "hello" to Todd.

13) There are references to some of PIXAR's short films, too. For example, the birds from For the Birds can briefly be seen on a telephone wire during the "Life is a Highway" sequence.

They appear for a split second.

A bit easier to spot is the Jackalope from Boundin', whose likeness is seen on the back of a camper.

And the snowman from Knick Knack is featured inside a snowglobe in Lizzie's shop.

14) The race at the beginning features 60,000 seated cars and an additional 700 cars in the infield and aisles. That's a lot of cars to design, model, and animate.

What's more, a whopping forty-four different monitors are featured in the televison studio covering the Piston Cup race. This means that they had to do forty-four versions of the same shot! Those animators deserve a lot of credit...

15) A scene was storyboarded featuring Lightning having a dream in which his engine (which apparently acted as the car equivalent of a brain) was taken out and put in a bulldozer. While he's freaking out over this, Mater takes his body for a joyride and then proceeds to steal his identity. It was just as disturbing as it sounds.

16) From what I've heard, the film was originally going to be called Route 66, but they didn't want people to confuse it with the 1960s television show of the same name. Incidentally, DreamWorks was planning to do an animated movie called Route 66 at one point too, and it was announced in 2005 (you can read more about it here). I wonder if that had anything to do with PIXAR's deciding to rename the film as well...

Concept art for the mountain range that surrounds Radiator Springs.

17) The name of the whitewall tires that Lightning buys from Luigi and Guido are "Fettuccini Alfredo". It's funny because "Alfredo" is a type of white sauce. And now I'm hungry for pasta.

18) Luigi's license plate reads "445-108". That's the latitude and longitude for the main Ferrari factory in Modena, Italy.

19) As a tip of the hat to PIXAR founder Steve Jobs, one of the cars during the race at the beginning has the Apple logo on its hood. His name is Mac iCar and his number, 84, is a reference to the year that Apple released the Macintosh personal computer, 1984.

20) During the scene where Lightning and Doc race, look up in the sky - you can see clouds in the sky that look like tire tracks.

21) Fillmore is correct - every third blink of the traffic light's yellow light IS slower than the first two. And if you go to Cars Land at Disney's California Adventure and look up at the traffic light, pay attention to the yellow light... every third blink is slower there too!

22) Larry the Cable Guy ad-libbed many of Mater's lines (for example, "Dad-gum!"). Owen Wilson also ad-libbed Lightning's iconic "Ka-chow!" catchphrase - the filmmakers asked him what he thought a lightning strike sounded like, and that was Owen's response.

Concept art for Luigi and Guido.

23) Above the door in the courtroom, there is a Latin phrase written that translates to "The road of justice is paved by truth".

24) One of the places we see closed for the big race in the third act is Emeryville - y'know, where PIXAR is located. On top of that, we also see planes flying over a replica of PIXAR Studios.

Not sure where, specifically, in this screencap PIXAR Studios is.

25) As you probably already know, Rusty and Dusty Rust-eze are voiced by Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the hosts of NPR's Car Talk. Rusty was modeled after Tom's green 1963 Dart, which he called "The Dartre". Meanwhile, The King is modeled after Richard Petty (who, for those unaware, does his voice)'s 1970 Plymouth Superbird (they're the exact same shade of blue), and Dale Earnhardt Jr. voices an animated version of his Budweiser Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

26) John Ratzenberger, PIXAR's "good luck charm", voices a red Mack truck named Mack. Unlike the previously-mentioned voices in the film, John has never driven a red Mack truck - but his father did, and John Lasseter knew this.

27) Look closely at the top of the arena during the big race between Lightning, Chick, and the King - there are two cars spitting off it!

28) Are you familiar with Eddie Paul? He has provided hundreds of cars for television shows and movies - some just modified, some built by hand (among the movies he's supplied cars for are Grease, Back to the Future, and Cobra). He actually built real versions of Lightning, Mater, and Sally that PIXAR took to various cities around the country to promote the film. No, they did not talk.

Mr. Paul with Lightning and Mater.

29) The "moo" sound that the tractors make when they're tipped over originates from a toy introduced in 1978 called Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow.

Did you have this toy? I didn't.

30) In the credits, we find out what the name of that one member of Lightning's pit crew who shouts "AND MY NAME IS NOT CHUCK!" is. Turns out, it actually IS "Not Chuck". I have a book called Pixarpedia (that I think was first released in 2009 or 2010) and in that book the character is called "Not Chuck" as well.

31) Cars was the first PIXAR film to utilize a technique called "ray tracing", which properly renders the way light passes through and collides with surfaces. In other words, it lets artists accurately paint reflections without having to go through and "paint" them individually.

32) There's a reference to Lady and the Tramp in the film - when Mater stretches out his kinks after waking up, he moves almost exactly like Tramp does when audiences first see him beside a railroad car.

More concept art.

33) According to storyboard artist Rob Gibbs, the scene at the end of the film where Lightning tells Sally that Radiator Springs is "back on the map" was originally going to show him actually producing a map and holding it up for Sally to see. The problem was, since the cars have no hands, nobody knew how they could have Lightning hold up a map. He couldn't use his doors because that's where his "brains" are. Rob figured that maybe he could use his trunk, and drew a bunch of storyboards where he's holding a rolled-up map on his trunk, then he kicks it off and it lands on the ground. THEN he drew storyboards where Lightning opens up his trunk (would that be the car equivalent of taking off your underwear in front of somebody?) and revealing a map that unfolds.

Then some of the other storyboard artists got involved. Somebody suggested having The King arrive, holding the map with his antennae, and saying that he found it. Somebody else suggested having Lightning draw a map in the ground with his wheels. Another idea was to have the map appear in Lightning's windshield eyelids. From there, things went completely off the rails. Ideas included having Lightning stand up on his two back tires and show the map on his "stomach", having it be on his tounge, a projector from his eye that shows a hologram of the world, having the map come out of his tailpipe, and Steve Purcell's idea - a monkey pops out of Lightning and produces the map. Eventually, they decided they didn't need to have Lightning actually show Sally a physical map, they can just have him say that Radiator Springs was back on the map.

Big Idea never had this problem with VeggieTales. They just have the characters magically levitate things in front of them when they need to hold up something.

34) Recently, Lightning McQueen made an appearance at the Italian Grand Prix! This was in honor of the film's 20th anniversary.

35) You don't have to go to Disney's California Adventure to meet the characters from Cars - there are real versions of Lightning, Mater etc. all over the country!

For example, at the edge of a private lot in front of what appears to be an Esso gas station in Cleveland, Tennessee, there's a beat-up tow truck that bears a striking resemblance to Mater (complete with buck teeth).

Another Mater lookalike is parked outside of JW's Tire Station in Cottageville, South Carolina.

Honestly, it looks more like some sort of vampire car than Mater to me.

If you go to Blacey's U-Pick Auto Parts and Junkyard in Wrightstown, New Jersey, you can find Mater towing Doc Hudson.

There's a farm in Platteville, Colorado called Miller Farms that has - among other things - cars that could be Doc Hudson, Mater, and Lightning's twins.

A more morbid example can be found in Kanab, Utah. It's not based on a specific character from the film, but it's a broken-down jalopy with eyes painted on its windshield to make it look like it's from Cars. And there's a skeleton in the driver's seat, waving.

Well, that's ONE way to get some use out of your Halloween decorations...

And to top it off, outside Gearhead Curios in Galena, Kansas is a replica of Doc Hudson. The owner of the place, Aaron Perry, already owned a 1951 Hudson and had to be talked into repainting it to look like Doc. "I love Cars, I love what it's done, but Route 66 is so much more," he said.

Sources:
- https://madeinatlantis.com/movies_central/2006/cars.htm
- https://ew.com/article/2006/06/19/cars-man-who-inspired-mater/
- https://www.wdwradio.com/2018/10/the-inspiration-behind-fillmore-the-george-carlin-voiced-vw-van-from-cars/
- https://www.hagerty.com/media/car-profiles/the-making-of-tow-mater/
- https://www.npr.org/2011/06/25/137343916/cars-fans-get-their-rusty-kicks-on-route-66
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/14681
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/38842
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/32437
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/79132
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/28689
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/85033
- https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/87013
- https://jimhillmedia.com/on-the-red-carpet-at-the-cars-premiere/
- https://www.espn.com/f1/story/_/id/49813101/lightning-mcqueen-make-f1-debut-italian-gp-safety-car-gets-cars-makeover

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Archie Show"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

You probably expected this to be another Halloween-related review, didn't you? Well, I'm not in a particularly Halloween-y mood this week for several reasons, so instead you're getting this. Hey, it's MY blog.

I've never read any of the Archie comic books. I'm not a very big comic book reader in general. So I probably wouldn't be able to tell you how accurate any of the TV shows are to the comic. I also probably wouldn't be the most qualified to review any of the TV shows either, but, well, here we are.

The Archie Show is the creation of the good folks at Filmation. Premiering on CBS in September 1968, the show received one season of seventeen episodes. A year before the show's premiere, Filmation's agent Irv Wilson approached John Goldwater about licensing his comics, including Archie. After they worked something out (and filled in Filmation founder Lou Schiemer, who didn't even know what Archie was), they presented the idea to the daytime programming executive at CBS, Fred Silverman. They loved it, mostly because so many other cartoons at the time were being protested by parent-run organizations who thought they were too violent for kids or whatever. They couldn't possibly find anything to complain about in Archie, could they?

All of the characters from the comic were featured in The Archie Show... well, at least the main characters, like I said I've never read the comic books so I don't know for sure. You had Archie (voiced by Dallas McKennon), of course, the redhead leader of the gang. Blonde Betty (Jane Webb) and black-haired Veronica (also Jane Webb) were both head over heels in love with Archie. Jughead (Howard Morris) liked to eat. Hot Dog (Dallas McKennon) was Jughead's pet sheepdog. And Reggie (John Erwin) was a massive tool who you wondered why the others hung out with. The show's episodes usually consisted of two eight-minute stories, a "Dance of the Week" segment, a musical number, and a quick segment starring Jughead. Eventually, the show gained a segment starring Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was renamed The Archie Comedy Hour. Then it was renamed again to Archie's Funhouse before being taken off the air entirely.

Is The Archie Show any good? Let's find out, shall we? We're going to watch the sixth episode of the show. Come on, let's go, with The Archie Show!

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Phantom Investigators"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

If this show looks familiar to you, it's probably not because you've actually watched it before, but because it was made by Stephen Holman and Josephine T. Huang at (W)Holesome Products Inc., the same folks who created the "Life With Loopy" segments for Nickelodeon's KaBlam!. I can't be the only one who recalls finding those segments a little creepy, can I?

Well, creepy or not, you have to give Stephen and Josephine credit for the unique way they brought these shows to life: stop-motion animation, with cardboard heads, and even some live actors. Phantom Investigators focused on four thirteen-year-olds who lived in San Francisco: the telekinetic Jerico (voiced by Alecsander Kocev), the telepathic Kira (Amber Ross), the shapeshifting Casey (Andrew Decker), and the only one who DOESN'T have some supernatural power, Daemona Prune (Courtney Vineys). When they're not attending Lugosi Junior High School, they act as the Phantom Investigators, solving supernatural mysteries that occur all over town.

Thirteen episodes of the show were produced. Why only thirteen? Stephen Holman explained why in a podcast: the show was doing very well in its timeslot, but Kids' WB, the channel that it aired on, noticed that more girls were watching it than boys. They did not like this, thinking it was a threat to their status as the number one network for young boys, so they gave it the axe after six episodes (the remaining seven only aired overseas). Then Sony cut the show's funding, torpedoing the chance of it being picked up by another network.

The four lead characters.

And here's another fun fact for you: some of the animators who worked on this show went on to animate for other productions like Coraline, Elf, The BoxTrolls, Robot Chicken, Jojo's Circus, and Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio.

If you want to watch the show for yourself, good luck. Apparently, episodes of the show were featured at SOME point on Sony's kid-oriented channel Indoor Recess, but now they're listed as unavaliable. Somebody did upload all thirteen episodes in a compilation video on YouTube, for those of you who want to binge the show in one day. There aren't any episodes on the Internet Archive, the show never had a home media release, and I doubt it's on any streaming services. You can also find two episodes via (W)Holesome Products Inc.'s Vimeo channel. We're going to watch the sixth episode of the show, "Omega Pizza Pi" (which, incidentally, was apparently written by the same person who wrote The Hunger Games - try to wrap your head around THAT one). This is Phantom Investigators.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Monster Farm"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Well, the Halloween season is upon us. That means it's time to wait out in pumpkin patches for the Great Pumpkin to show up, carve jack-o-lanterns, dress in spooky costumes... or, if you're like me, sit on your butt and watch obscure cartoon shows about monsters. Like this one, which I've been wanting to get to for some time but was unable to find a full episode of until now...

For all of you out there who wondered what you'd get if you put Back at the Barnyard and Groovie Goolies in a blender, Monster Farm is more or less the answer. Created by Taylor Grant at Saban Entertainment, the show premiered on August 15th, 1998 on the Fox Family Channel. They aired it as part of an afternoon kids' block called "The Basement", where host Billy Villegas showed videos of himself working on a farm and interacted with THIS terrifying thing:

Who's in more agony? That thing, or anyone who lays eyes on it?

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if every kid watching TV while "The Basement" was on saw that and changed the channel, because Monster Farm only got one season of twenty-six episodes, only half of which aired in the United States. Of course, it didn't help that even though the show was supposed to be a "each episode is two segments in one" cartoon, the Fox Family Channel only aired one segment at a time for some reason. Also, the show never got a home media release outside of a very rare promo VHS tape, so most of the episodes are very hard to find.

Monster Farm's theme song sets up the premise: a city slicker named Jack Haylee (voiced by Robbie Rist) inherits a farm from his great-uncle Harloff. When he arrives, he finds out that the animals who live on the farm are hybrids of iconic monsters and livestock: vampire rooster Count Cluckula (Bruce Mahler, better known for playing Doug Frackler in the Police Academy movies), a mad scientist sheep named Dr. Woolly (also Bruce Mahler) who turns into the Mr. Hyde-esque Mr. Ewe when he gets wet, a Frankenstein's Monster-lookalike pig named Frankenswine (Rodger Bumpass), a fire-breathing kaiju with horns named Goatasaurus Rex (also Rodger Bumpass), his pet chihuaua who turns into a werewolf when the moon is full named Scarewolf, an Egyptian mummy cow named Cowapatra (Kevin Killebrew), and a zombie bovine named Zombeef (Tifaine Christun). Hilarity ensues.

Does Monster Farm deserve to languish in obscurity? Well, let's watch an episode and find out. Actually, we're going to watch two segments from two separate episodes because the episode of the show I was able to find on YouTube is like that: the eleventh episode's "A Pair of Jacks" and the thirteenth episode's "Short Circuit Swine". This here is Monster Farm, y'all!

"A Pair of Jacks" starts off with Jack explaining to the monster animals how they're going to harvest corn and shuck it. Count Cluckula gets bent out of shape over this: "Work, work, work, that's all we do!" he snaps in his thick Transylvanian accent. "Vhat a slave driver, a complete nincompoop! 'Gee, dudes, seems like a cool time to plant crops! Gee, dudes, like, it's time to harvest some, like, CORN!' I HATE THAT GUY!"

Weird question: do you think Count Cluckula sucks the blood from ALL creatures, or just his fellow chickens? Or is he a vegetarian like Count Duckula? (Note to self: review Count Duckula at some point)

"I don't say 'bleh, bleh, bleh'!"

Zombeef brings in the corn that they've already harvested, and Count Cluckula points out that the corn is teeny-tiny and thus unlikely to be bought by anyone. He says that if HE ran the farm, things would be completely different. There's just one thing standing in his way...

Who on Earth makes that face when their photo is taken? No wonder Cluckula hates
this guy...

So is Cluckula - a vampire - going to suck Jack's blood? Well, no. Instead, he gets an idea after Dr. Woolly is trapped in an elevator and needs to be freed. He tricks Jack into stepping inside the elevator, trapping him inside. Then he hypnotizes Dr. Woolly and tells him to create a serum that will transform him into Jack's double. If he can hynotize people, why doesn't he just hypnotize Jack and say, "I command you to leave the farm and never return!" or "I command you to walk off a cliff!"? Maybe he can only hypnotize animals, I dunno...

I love the bored expression on his face as he's doing this. His heart clearly isn't into it.

Dr. Woolly whips up the serum in about a minute, and when Cluckula drinks it, he transforms into a clone of Jack. The other animals will never suspect a thing! Well, so long as they don't notice that "Jack" now sounds nothing like Jack and exactly like Cluckula.

Spoiler alert: they don't.

And isn't Cluckula at all worried that the other animals will notice that he mysteriously vanished and wonder where he is? I mean, I doubt they'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he took a potion to turn himself into a Jack clone, but it'd be pretty hard not to notice that a vampire rooster just disappeared.

The phony Jack tells the monster animals that they're going to turn the farm into an interstate truckers' joint. And he's going to call it "Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop". Okay, Cluckula, are you REALLY expecting the monsters not to become suspicious? Even if "Jack" DID want to turn the farm into a truckers' joint, why would he name it after Cluckula and have his image on the sign? Somehow, I doubt Jack plays favorites.

And why does Cluckula even WANT to run a truckers' joint in the first place?

I expected the other monster animals to go along with this without any suspicion, but Cowapatra actually asks "Jack" why he wants to name the truckers' joint after Cluckula. "Uh, well, the count is on his way to Washington to accept the congressional medal of honor, and, I, uh, thought this would be an appropriate tribute," Cluckula claims. Frankenswine, Goatasaurus Rex, Cowapatra, and Zombeef buy this... dang it, guys, you gave me hope that this WOULDN'T be another cliched "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity and despite how obvious it is that they're an imposter everybody falls for it" story... and soon Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop is open for business!

Yeah, business is great NOW, but just wait until the Chickenman shows up to sabotage
your business, Cluckula.

Whenever somebody walks through the front door, Count Jackula hypnotizes them into thinking that they love soy jerky, which torpedoes the "he can only hypnotize animals" suggestion I made earlier. He's also enslaved the other animals, having Zombeef and Cowapatra be waiters and forcing the others to make his stupid soy jerky on an assembly line. He doesn't even give them bathroom breaks!

Dr. Woolly laments that money, the root of all evil, has turned "Jack" into a vile slave-driver. Eventually they get fed up with this and confront the fake Jack in his office. Jackula spews out some crap about how he does this for the good of those hardworking truckers. They live such a hard life. They have to drive through NEW JERSEY.

...okay, this is coming from someone who was born and spent the first nineteen years of his life in New Jersey, so I'm perfectly aware that I might be biased, but why exactly does everyone make fun of New Jersey? What is it about New Jersey that is so awful? It's got nice beaches, good food, it's even the birthplace of Thomas Edison and the U.S. Navy Submarine Fleet. We gave you the lightbulb, you should at least give us a little respect for THAT!

I mean, sheesh, you don't see ME making jokes about how much California supposedly
sucks.

The monster animals don't fall for Jackula's cock and bull story (see what I did there?) and promptly beat the crap out of him and tie him up. I believe this is called "karma".

After that, the genuine article Jack - who managed to escape from the elevator using only a paddleball - walks in. "Gee, Jack flew across the room so fast it looks like he's still in the chair!" Zombeef says. I'd slap my forehead at her stupidity, but to be fair, zombies aren't exactly known for being intelligent. Must be why they're always eating peoples' brains. Less justifiable is Jack believing that he isn't the real Jack when Jackula claims that HE is the real Jack and wondering who he is. Then Jackula manages to escape from the ropes binding him and convinces the monster animals to attack Jack. Really? They STILL haven't picked up on the fact that "Jackula" sounds and acts nothing like the actual Jack?

See, THIS is why I hate the "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity" cliche.
It always turns the other characters into total morons.

Fortunately, then the potion wears off and the fake Jack turns back into Count Cluckula. As punishment for stealing Jack's identity, enslaving the animals, turning the farm into a truck stop and polluting the air with his filthy lies, they force Cluckula to pull a corn harvester across the fields. They also grind up the leftover soy jerky to make fertilizer, which does wonders for the crops. Cluckula claims that this was his plan all along and that they should be getting on his knees and thanking him, more karma is thrown his way - or rather, a ton of tomatoes. Hey, it could be worse, Cluckula. You're a chicken. They could be plucking your feathers and roasting you to eat for dinner.

This is so satisfying to watch.

Next segment!

I'm sure you're wondering: how exactly can we make this show about mummy cows and chicken vampires even stranger? Hmmm, how about we reveal that bolts of lightning are sentient and enjoy playing card games?

I love that this blog allows me to type bizarre sentences like that.

What use do lightning bolts have for money? Where do they even GET money?

After getting clobbered by his amigos as "Old Maid", one of the lightning bolts gets so frustrated he feels like zapping something. So THIS is why people are struck by bolts of lightning - the bolt just needs to blow off a little steam. Case in point, the lightning bolt zaps Frankenswine, and he immediately feels better. "Sometimes, you've just gotta reach out and touch someone," he says, a reference to Bell System's slogan. Y'know, from back when ads on TV were allowed to be for things other than insurance and pharmecuticals with a million side effects.

As Frankenswine stumbles around in a daze, Cowapatra emerges from the barn to complain about her watch running slow. It angers her so much that she stomps on it a few times, but when Frankenswine reaches down to grab it, electricity shoots out of his hand and it's instantly fixed!

I've noticed that Frankenswine doesn't look particularly pig-like.

Impressed, Cowapatra drags Frankenswine back to her stall and has him take a look at her other malfunctioning appliances. He manages to fix each one just by touching it, and soon there's a long line of other folks - including Jack, Cluckula, Goatasaurus Rex, Dr. Woolly, and Zombeef - holding appliances for him to fix for them. Boy, word sure travels fast at this farm...

We then cut to the abode of the show's main antagonist, greedy land owner Pa (Daniel Woren). His electric shaver is on the fritz, but his robot butler has the solution. "I've heard through the fiberoptic grapevine of a strange pig-like being with great powers. He can fix broken machinery simply by touching it," he explains. Upon hearing that, Pa has the robot butler call up his son, Jimmy Earl (Jess Harnell), and tell him to kidnap this strange pig-like being. As one does.

Kaiju goats, sentient bolts of lightning, and now a robot butler? This show is even weirder
than Ned's Newt...

Jimmy Earl manages to sneak over to the farm in the middle of the night and pig-nap Frankenswine. Then Pa shows Frankenswine the central processing brain that controls every machine on his farm. It's a literal giant brain with cords attached to it that has the ability to move on its own. I have so many questions.

Giant floating brains are always a little creepy, aren't they?

...actually, was that giant pink thing from "The Basement" I showed you earlier supposed
to be a brain? If so, case in point...

They force Frankenswine to touch the brain, and it surges with power, which will somehow allow them to take over Jack's farm. I assume they explained why they want to take over Jack's farm in a previous episode. And how are they going to take over Jack's farm? By making all of its machinery go haywire! And then sending cow-shaped drones and mechanical pigs on treads to attack the farm!

I still have so many questions, but I'm guessing they will go unanswered.

By taking out Frankenswine's brain, Dr. Woolly finds out how he got those weird appliance-fixing powers in the first place: a bolt of lighting. "And according to my calculations, if he's hit by lightning AGAIN, it might reverse the polarity, causing his touch to DRAIN power instead of INCREASING it. Perhaps I should use my special knowledge to artificially induce electrical weather activity," he suggests. How does he accomplish this? By calling up the bolt of lightning that zapped Frankenswine before and mocking him.

"AND THEN ALONG CAME ZEUS!"

It does the trick. The bolt of lightning zaps the part of Frankenswine's brain that controls the appliance-fixing powers, and after he puts it back the porcine monster can now DRAIN power from machines as opposed to INCREASING IT. So he goes around touching all the machinery and appliances that are wreaking havoc on the farm. He even manages to power down the big brain that's controlling the machinery. The day is saved!

Oh, and Cluckula wants the magic power to control appliances for himself, so he channels Benjamin Franklin and tries to get struck by lightning himself. "HIS brain? Heh! Even I can't hit a target THAT small," the bolt of lightning tells us. A bit annoying that it took them until the end of the episode to give us its funniest joke. Ah well...

Cluckula, you're a vampire. You can hypnotize people and turn into a bat. Don't you
have enough powers already?

What's the Verdict?

I wouldn't say Monster Farm is anything spectacular, but it's fun for what it is. The animation is pretty good, the voice actors are giving it their all, and the characters are a bit flat but likable enough (even Cluckula is a good example of how to do a "vile jerk" character right. He's like Roy Rooster from US Acres in Count Chocula's clothing). Downsides: most of the jokes aren't very funny and the stuff that's weird for weirdness' sake is hit or miss. Seriously, what was up with that giant brain that controls machinery? How does that work?

Monster Farm had the potential to be a cult classic. Alas, the weird way the Fox Family Channel aired the show and the lack of a home video release have basically reduced it to an afterthought. Hopefully, somebody who watched cartoons in the 1990s taped an episode or two and will upload it to YouTube, Dailymotion, the Internet Archive, what have you at some point.

Rating: Three and a half mad scientist sheep out of five. A mixed bag of a monster mash.

Here's a fun fact for you: the show's writers included Alex "Lois Griffin" Borstein, Steve Marmel of The Fairly OddParents and Danny Phantom fame, and Martin Olson - who you might know better as THIS guy:

Yes, Mr. Makeout Reef wrote for this show! That's pretty cool!