Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Monster Farm"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Well, the Halloween season is upon us. That means it's time to wait out in pumpkin patches for the Great Pumpkin to show up, carve jack-o-lanterns, dress in spooky costumes... or, if you're like me, sit on your butt and watch obscure cartoon shows about monsters. Like this one, which I've been wanting to get to for some time but was unable to find a full episode of until now...

For all of you out there who wondered what you'd get if you put Back at the Barnyard and Groovie Goolies in a blender, Monster Farm is more or less the answer. Created by Taylor Grant at Saban Entertainment, the show premiered on August 15th, 1998 on the Fox Family Channel. They aired it as part of an afternoon kids' block called "The Basement", where host Billy Villegas showed videos of himself working on a farm and interacted with THIS terrifying thing:

Who's in more agony? That thing, or anyone who lays eyes on it?

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if every kid watching TV while "The Basement" was on saw that and changed the channel, because Monster Farm only got one season of twenty-six episodes, only half of which aired in the United States. Of course, it didn't help that even though the show was supposed to be a "each episode is two segments in one" cartoon, the Fox Family Channel only aired one segment at a time for some reason. Also, the show never got a home media release outside of a very rare promo VHS tape, so most of the episodes are very hard to find.

Monster Farm's theme song sets up the premise: a city slicker named Jack Haylee (voiced by Robbie Rist) inherits a farm from his great-uncle Harloff. When he arrives, he finds out that the animals who live on the farm are hybrids of iconic monsters and livestock: vampire rooster Count Cluckula (Bruce Mahler, better known for playing Doug Frackler in the Police Academy movies), a mad scientist sheep named Dr. Woolly (also Bruce Mahler) who turns into the Mr. Hyde-esque Mr. Ewe when he gets wet, a Frankenstein's Monster-lookalike pig named Frankenswine (Rodger Bumpass), a fire-breathing kaiju with horns named Goatasaurus Rex (also Rodger Bumpass), his pet chihuaua who turns into a werewolf when the moon is full named Scarewolf, an Egyptian mummy cow named Cowapatra (Kevin Killebrew), and a zombie bovine named Zombeef (Tifaine Christun). Hilarity ensues.

Does Monster Farm deserve to languish in obscurity? Well, let's watch an episode and find out. Actually, we're going to watch two segments from two separate episodes because the episode of the show I was able to find on YouTube is like that: the eleventh episode's "A Pair of Jacks" and the thirteenth episode's "Short Circuit Swine". This here is Monster Farm, y'all!

"A Pair of Jacks" starts off with Jack explaining to the monster animals how they're going to harvest corn and shuck it. Count Cluckula gets bent out of shape over this: "Work, work, work, that's all we do!" he snaps in his thick Transylvanian accent. "Vhat a slave driver, a complete nincompoop! 'Gee, dudes, seems like a cool time to plant crops! Gee, dudes, like, it's time to harvest some, like, CORN!' I HATE THAT GUY!"

Weird question: do you think Count Cluckula sucks the blood from ALL creatures, or just his fellow chickens? Or is he a vegetarian like Count Duckula? (Note to self: review Count Duckula at some point)

"I don't say 'bleh, bleh, bleh'!"

Zombeef brings in the corn that they've already harvested, and Count Cluckula points out that the corn is teeny-tiny and thus unlikely to be bought by anyone. He says that if HE ran the farm, things would be completely different. There's just one thing standing in his way...

Who on Earth makes that face when their photo is taken? No wonder Cluckula hates
this guy...

So is Cluckula - a vampire - going to suck Jack's blood? Well, no. Instead, he gets an idea after Dr. Woolly is trapped in an elevator and needs to be freed. He tricks Jack into stepping inside the elevator, trapping him inside. Then he hypnotizes Dr. Woolly and tells him to create a serum that will transform him into Jack's double. If he can hynotize people, why doesn't he just hypnotize Jack and say, "I command you to leave the farm and never return!" or "I command you to walk off a cliff!"? Maybe he can only hypnotize animals, I dunno...

I love the bored expression on his face as he's doing this. His heart clearly isn't into it.

Dr. Woolly whips up the serum in about a minute, and when Cluckula drinks it, he transforms into a clone of Jack. The other animals will never suspect a thing! Well, so long as they don't notice that "Jack" now sounds nothing like Jack and exactly like Cluckula.

Spoiler alert: they don't.

And isn't Cluckula at all worried that the other animals will notice that he mysteriously vanished and wonder where he is? I mean, I doubt they'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he took a potion to turn himself into a Jack clone, but it'd be pretty hard not to notice that a vampire rooster just disappeared.

The phony Jack tells the monster animals that they're going to turn the farm into an interstate truckers' joint. And he's going to call it "Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop". Okay, Cluckula, are you REALLY expecting the monsters not to become suspicious? Even if "Jack" DID want to turn the farm into a truckers' joint, why would he name it after Cluckula and have his image on the sign? Somehow, I doubt Jack plays favorites.

And why does Cluckula even WANT to run a truckers' joint in the first place?

I expected the other monster animals to go along with this without any suspicion, but Cowapatra actually asks "Jack" why he wants to name the truckers' joint after Cluckula. "Uh, well, the count is on his way to Washington to accept the congressional medal of honor, and, I, uh, thought this would be an appropriate tribute," Cluckula claims. Frankenswine, Goatasaurus Rex, Cowapatra, and Zombeef buy this... dang it, guys, you gave me hope that this WOULDN'T be another cliched "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity and despite how obvious it is that they're an imposter everybody falls for it" story... and soon Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop is open for business!

Yeah, business is great NOW, but just wait until the Chickenman shows up to sabotage
your business, Cluckula.

Whenever somebody walks through the front door, Count Jackula hypnotizes them into thinking that they love soy jerky, which torpedoes the "he can only hypnotize animals" suggestion I made earlier. He's also enslaved the other animals, having Zombeef and Cowapatra be waiters and forcing the others to make his stupid soy jerky on an assembly line. He doesn't even give them bathroom breaks!

Dr. Woolly laments that money, the root of all evil, has turned "Jack" into a vile slave-driver. Eventually they get fed up with this and confront the fake Jack in his office. Jackula spews out some crap about how he does this for the good of those hardworking truckers. They live such a hard life. They have to drive through NEW JERSEY.

...okay, this is coming from someone who was born and spent the first nineteen years of his life in New Jersey, so I'm perfectly aware that I might be biased, but why exactly does everyone make fun of New Jersey? What is it about New Jersey that is so awful? It's got nice beaches, good food, it's even the birthplace of Thomas Edison and the U.S. Navy Submarine Fleet. We gave you the lightbulb, you should at least give us a little respect for THAT!

I mean, sheesh, you don't see ME making jokes about how much California supposedly
sucks.

The monster animals don't fall for Jackula's cock and bull story (see what I did there?) and promptly beat the crap out of him and tie him up. I believe this is called "karma".

After that, the genuine article Jack - who managed to escape from the elevator using only a paddleball - walks in. "Gee, Jack flew across the room so fast it looks like he's still in the chair!" Zombeef says. I'd slap my forehead at her stupidity, but to be fair, zombies aren't exactly known for being intelligent. Must be why they're always eating peoples' brains. Less justifiable is Jack believing that he isn't the real Jack when Jackula claims that HE is the real Jack and wondering who he is. Then Jackula manages to escape from the ropes binding him and convinces the monster animals to attack Jack. Really? They STILL haven't picked up on the fact that "Jackula" sounds and acts nothing like the actual Jack?

See, THIS is why I hate the "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity" cliche.
It always turns the other characters into total morons.

Fortunately, then the potion wears off and the fake Jack turns back into Count Cluckula. As punishment for stealing Jack's identity, enslaving the animals, turning the farm into a truck stop and polluting the air with his filthy lies, they force Cluckula to pull a corn harvester across the fields. They also grind up the leftover soy jerky to make fertilizer, which does wonders for the crops. Cluckula claims that this was his plan all along and that they should be getting on his knees and thanking him, more karma is thrown his way - or rather, a ton of tomatoes. Hey, it could be worse, Cluckula. You're a chicken. They could be plucking your feathers and roasting you to eat for dinner.

This is so satisfying to watch.

Next segment!

I'm sure you're wondering: how exactly can we make this show about mummy cows and chicken vampires even stranger? Hmmm, how about we reveal that bolts of lightning are sentient and enjoy playing card games?

I love that this blog allows me to type bizarre sentences like that.

What use do lightning bolts have for money? Where do they even GET money?

After getting clobbered by his amigos as "Old Maid", one of the lightning bolts gets so frustrated he feels like zapping something. So THIS is why people are struck by bolts of lightning - the bolt just needs to blow off a little steam. Case in point, the lightning bolt zaps Frankenswine, and he immediately feels better. "Sometimes, you've just gotta reach out and touch someone," he says, a reference to Bell System's slogan. Y'know, from back when ads on TV were allowed to be for things other than insurance and pharmecuticals with a million side effects.

As Frankenswine stumbles around in a daze, Cowapatra emerges from the barn to complain about her watch running slow. It angers her so much that she stomps on it a few times, but when Frankenswine reaches down to grab it, electricity shoots out of his hand and it's instantly fixed!

I've noticed that Frankenswine doesn't look particularly pig-like.

Impressed, Cowapatra drags Frankenswine back to her stall and has him take a look at her other malfunctioning appliances. He manages to fix each one just by touching it, and soon there's a long line of other folks - including Jack, Cluckula, Goatasaurus Rex, Dr. Woolly, and Zombeef - holding appliances for him to fix for them. Boy, word sure travels fast at this farm...

We then cut to the abode of the show's main antagonist, greedy land owner Pa (Daniel Woren). His electric shaver is on the fritz, but his robot butler has the solution. "I've heard through the fiberoptic grapevine of a strange pig-like being with great powers. He can fix broken machinery simply by touching it," he explains. Upon hearing that, Pa has the robot butler call up his son, Jimmy Earl (Jess Harnell), and tell him to kidnap this strange pig-like being. As one does.

Kaiju goats, sentient bolts of lightning, and now a robot butler? This show is even weirder
than Ned's Newt...

Jimmy Earl manages to sneak over to the farm in the middle of the night and pig-nap Frankenswine. Then Pa shows Frankenswine the central processing brain that controls every machine on his farm. It's a literal giant brain with cords attached to it that has the ability to move on its own. I have so many questions.

Giant floating brains are always a little creepy, aren't they?

...actually, was that giant pink thing from "The Basement" I showed you earlier supposed
to be a brain? If so, case in point...

They force Frankenswine to touch the brain, and it surges with power, which will somehow allow them to take over Jack's farm. I assume they explained why they want to take over Jack's farm in a previous episode. And how are they going to take over Jack's farm? By making all of its machinery go haywire! And then sending cow-shaped drones and mechanical pigs on treads to attack the farm!

I still have so many questions, but I'm guessing they will go unanswered.

By taking out Frankenswine's brain, Dr. Woolly finds out how he got those weird appliance-fixing powers in the first place: a bolt of lighting. "And according to my calculations, if he's hit by lightning AGAIN, it might reverse the polarity, causing his touch to DRAIN power instead of INCREASING it. Perhaps I should use my special knowledge to artificially induce electrical weather activity," he suggests. How does he accomplish this? By calling up the bolt of lightning that zapped Frankenswine before and mocking him.

"AND THEN ALONG CAME ZEUS!"

It does the trick. The bolt of lightning zaps the part of Frankenswine's brain that controls the appliance-fixing powers, and after he puts it back the porcine monster can now DRAIN power from machines as opposed to INCREASING IT. So he goes around touching all the machinery and appliances that are wreaking havoc on the farm. He even manages to power down the big brain that's controlling the machinery. The day is saved!

Oh, and Cluckula wants the magic power to control appliances for himself, so he channels Benjamin Franklin and tries to get struck by lightning himself. "HIS brain? Heh! Even I can't hit a target THAT small," the bolt of lightning tells us. A bit annoying that it took them until the end of the episode to give us its funniest joke. Ah well...

Cluckula, you're a vampire. You can hypnotize people and turn into a bat. Don't you
have enough powers already?

What's the Verdict?

I wouldn't say Monster Farm is anything spectacular, but it's fun for what it is. The animation is pretty good, the voice actors are giving it their all, and the characters are a bit flat but likable enough (even Cluckula is a good example of how to do a "vile jerk" character right. He's like Roy Rooster from US Acres in Count Chocula's clothing). Downsides: most of the jokes aren't very funny and the stuff that's weird for weirdness' sake is hit or miss. Seriously, what was up with that giant brain that controls machinery? How does that work?

Monster Farm had the potential to be a cult classic. Alas, the weird way the Fox Family Channel aired the show and the lack of a home video release have basically reduced it to an afterthought. Hopefully, somebody who watched cartoons in the 1990s taped an episode or two and will upload it to YouTube, Dailymotion, the Internet Archive, what have you at some point.

Rating: Three and a half mad scientist sheep out of five. A mixed bag of a monster mash.

Here's a fun fact for you: the show's writers included Alex "Lois Griffin" Borstein, Steve Marmel of The Fairly OddParents and Danny Phantom fame, and Martin Olson - who you might know better as THIS guy:

Yes, Mr. Makeout Reef wrote for this show! That's pretty cool!

Let's Watch This: "Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond" (2016)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Well, here we go. The sequel to Frog Kingdom, a movie that as you know I found to be total crap. So why am I reviewing a sequel to a movie I don't like? Because it exists, and SOMEBODY has to do it. Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Either or.

There's very little information about this movie online. Apparently, it was originally called The Frog Kingdom 2: Sub-Zero Mission but they changed the name for some reason. Peng Fei and Zheng Liguo directed and produced it, and it doesn't seem like any of the voices from the original returned. For one thing, Freddie (the annoying male lead) and One-Eye (that drill sergeant frog who was secretly in league with the evil snake) are now voiced by the guys from SMOSH. Reminder: Rob Schneider said "yes" to Jungle Shuffle, Norm of the North, Dino Time, and the FIRST Frog Kingdom but he said "no" to THIS. That's not a good sign, is it?

Okay, okay. I shouldn't assume the film is bad just because it's a sequel to a film I know is bad, should I? Maybe there's something of substance here. Let's watch Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond and find out.

The first thing this film does is take a wrecking ball to the fourth wall. Two frogs appear and start talking about the humans in the audience. The fat frog is worried that the humans will eat them. Don't worry, fat frog, you're safe around me - I've never eaten a frog. I don't care how good their legs supposedly taste.

"You'd think these people would have better things to do than sit here reading a blog about animation."

"Hey, it's the internet. They could be doing a lot worse."

"Good point. At least they're not looking at social media..."

After deciding that we, the viewers, are friendly, the frogs decide to introduce us to the Frog Kingdom. A narrator then shows up and says, "In a world far, far away from human beings, there is a beautiful place called Frog Kingdom. For thousands of years, the frog clan has lived here... full of joy, and wonder... what a wonderful life they have." Y'know, aside from the evil snake who tried to freeze them all not long ago.

Little do the happy frogs of Frog Kingdom know that there's a conspiracy afoot. But we'll have to learn more about the conspiracy later. For now, we cut to Princess Froglegs... now just called Frog Princess and voiced by Ambyr Childers as opposed to Bella Thorne... doing some archery practice. Her target is walking Aladdin reference Prince Froggie Ababwa (now voiced by Jon Lovitz), presumably for no other reason than because she thinks it's funny to make him nervous.

Who does she think she is, William Tell?

Then another frog shows up and gives the General a message. Something about a "Crystal Frog". Oh yeah, and Froglegs' pal Bestie from the previous movie is there, too. But she's orange now for some reason.

We then cut to the palace, where the Frog King (Jay Sheldon as opposed to Keith David) is being told about this strange "Crystal Frog". Froglegs (yeah, I'm still calling her that. I don't care if she's just called "Frog Princess" in the movie) shows up after he gives the order to set up an emergency team to investigate the situation. The Frog King doesn't want to tell her about the "Crystal Frog" because she's still too young to know about the family's biggest secret. Too young? I call bullfrogcrap. Wasn't Froglegs the one who saved their village from the aforementioned evil snake? Of course, Freddie and the king fought the snake too, but Froglegs did just as much work in that situation as they did. I think she's capable of dealing with this "Crystal Frog", whatever it is.

"Yeah, I know you saved our village and all, but I still don't think you're ready to deal with
the Crystal Frog. Sorry, them's the breaks..."

Froglegs and the king argue some more, then Froglegs storms off in a huff and the king laments that she can't control her temper. We then cut to Freddie, now Anthony Padilla as opposed to Cameron Dallas, and his tadpole buddy Boogie, who run into the musclebound frog who was probably on steroids and the sunglasses-wearing frog with the mohawk from the first movie (now voiced by Chi-Ren Choong and Joshua Johan). Their names are revealed to be Muscles and Devo - the latter of which makes me feel obligated to include this in the review...

Okay, so Muscles and Devo tell them that Inspector Noggin, the dimwitted frog who was tasked with finding Froglegs in the first movie, summoned them to the Frog Kingdom. Something about a "Crystal Frog", and when Muscles looked it up online, he couldn't find anything. Wait, frogs have access to the internet now? Do they have tiny computers or something?

Although, access to the internet does explain how these frogs who supposedly live far, far away
from human beings know about Pinocchio, French bistros, Indiana Jones, and Vanilla Ice.

When they get to the Frog Kingdom, an earthquake hits out of nowhere.  Buildings crumble, a tree falls, and these evil amphibians who Freddie identifies as "the Big Four" attack, accompanied by a pangolin. After the bad frogs leave, the princess shows up and both Freddie and Ababwa go gaga for her. Freddie even gets a flashback of clips from the first movie set to romantic music!

You'd think she'd be happy to see him, too, since she fell in love with him in the first movie. Oddly enough, she isn't.

"Come on, I only went on ONE date with the Charo toad from Thumbelina! You know my heart
belongs to you!"

Actually, she's miffed because Freddie just left at the end of the first movie instead of marrying her and allowing her to have his tadpoles. Before she can beat him to a pulp, however, the messenger frog gives her a flyer - the very same flyer that has her father so concerned. Clearly, the Big Four want the Crystal Frog. But she ain't gonna stand for that, no sir.

A frog named HuHu shows the king a map to the fabled "Holy Land", where this Crystal Frog can apparently be found. The trek there is very, very dangerous, but the Frog King knows that his frog warrior squad can do it.

Hey, isn't that frog with the boxing gloves a character from Cuphead?

The king explains to them what their mission is: "Long, long ago, frogs had no need to hibernate in winter. But surviving the chilly winter without food was a major concern. So our ancestors created a magical artifact - the Crystal Frog. It let us hibernate in winter and protected us from the freezing cold. It's hidden in the mysterious Holy Land. The crystal balances our ecology - the gate to the Holy Land opens once every one hundred years to absorb energy from the earth and sky. But that moment is the most dangerous. Should the Crystal Frog be removed from its holy sanctuary, its energy will dissipate, and the entire frog race will face extinction. That's why we need to protect it. The one hundred year mark is approaching." Okay, everybody get all that?

The king gives Freddie the map to the Holy Land, and Freddie says that he'll lead the mission on one condition: that Ababwa join them. Which is weird, seeing as they hate each other. Then again, if they encounter some gigantic frog-eating monster on the way there, they could use Ababwa as a sacrifice. "Once you enter the Holy Land, remember these..." the Frog King says. "One frog to protect home. One red heart to stand firm. One chance to take. Humbleness is the only truth." Oy, a riddle. Can't you just say "Do [THIS] because [THAT] will happen if you don't" or whatever?

So off Freddie, Ababwa, Muscles, Boogie, Devo, and Boxing Gloves Frog head to the Holy Land, only for Froglegs to interrupt them and interrogate them as to what's going on. They tell her that they're on a mission to protect the Crystal Frog, and she's baffled that the king would put Freddie in charge since he's supposedly a coward. Y'know, a coward who helped save the kingdom from the EVIL SNAKE. Also, Ababwa says that Freddie almost wet his pants when the king gave him the mission... even though Freddie doesn't wear pants.

See? No pants.

"Just to make sure this cowardly frog doesn't run away, I'm going with you!" the princess declares. And when the king finds out that his daughter is missing, he orders Noggin to find her. Because he was SOOOOOOOOO much help with that in the first movie, right?

First, the good guys travel through the oh-so-cheerily-named Black Forest, which actually isn't as scary as the name implies. There's even a frog resort in it - the Stick To Your Ribbets Resort, and guess who runs this resort?

If you guessed "that sleazy one-eyed frog who was in league with the evil snake and fattening the frogs up to get eaten", you're right! I was expecting everyone except the princess to fall for his tricks again because they're clearly all a few sodas short of a six-pack, but believe it or not, they don't. "A leopard can't change its spots!" Ababwa claims. But One-Eye insists that he's "metamorphized into a good frog" and makes a fart joke. To prove that he's a changed frog, he serves them all a scrumptious meal. Freddie, Ababwa and Froglegs are still suspicious, but Muscles seems pretty convinced.

Okay, spoiler alert: One-Eye is still evil. He's very intrigued when he hears about the Crystal Frog, and while Froglegs sleeps he swipes her map and shows it to the Big Four. Fortunately, Noggin and another frog named Smartypants see them and manage to steal it back. Not very hard, seeing as the Big Four is comprised entirely of idiots. Alas, the yellow poison dart frog identifies Noggin and we get a chase sequence.

Hopefully, that frog doesn't remember that he's poisonous, or it's curtains for Noggin.

Smartypants manages to get away with the map, but Noggin is captured, and One-Eye steals the map again offscreen anyway. And now that he has it, he is going to become KING OF THE WORLD!

...yeah, I don't think you have any chance of becoming King of the World, One-Eye. You're a FROG. Human beings - heck, ANY animal larger than a frog - aren't going to take a frog walking up to them and demanding that they bow down because he's the King of the World seriously.

Anyway, Freddie and Froglegs are led to One-Eye's evil lair by Freddie's pet fly. They save Noggin and he shows them the blueprints of One-Eye's plan. Then One-Eye's lizard henchmen trap them in a cage. One-Eye gloats that he's gonna use the map to find the Crystal Frog, steal it, and become the most powerful frog in the kingdom. Fortunately, when One-Eye and his goons leave, Muscles, Devo, and Ababwa show up and free them. Score one for the good guys.

Of course, One-Eye still has the map, so the score is all tied up.

They chase after One-Eye, but he leads them into ANOTHER trap: this time he's got a machine gun. But they make it to the ammo depot and return fire. They take down the Big Four, but One-Eye gets away. He sees the desert in front of him and thinks up yet another trap.

Boogie and Boxing Gloves Frog escort the Big Four back to the kingdom while the others go after One-Eye. They find two sets of tracks, so they split up: Noggin and Freddie follow the tracks into the desert, and the others follow the other footprints leading AWAY from the desert. Now, as the first movie established, frogs + hot sand + scorching sun is a dangerous combination, and soon Noggin becomes very thirsty. The mirages are no help at all. But Freddie eventually finds the stuff he needs to make a paraglider, which makes getting across the desert much easier. Downside: they wind up flying into a storm, and the paraglider winds up getting destroyed.

As for the others, Muscles and Froglegs fall into One-Eye's newest trap: the mouth of a hungry crocodile.

If Freddie were here, he'd probably be getting some serious deja vu.

But they get the crocodile to vomit them back out by punching its uvula. And then they spot One-Eye and, once again, give chase. Y'know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but even the snake was a better villain than One-Eye is. The snake sucked, but at least he was fun to mock. One-Eye is just pathetic.

Freddie and Noggin find water and catch up with the others. Then they find a boat! But the river they float along has rapids and, because it's a river in something animated, leads to a waterfall.

I would put the "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall." bit from The Emperor's
New Groove here, but it seems a bit too obvious.

After the waterfall, they have to deal with more rapids and - I am not kidding - a GIANT WHIRLPOOL. But what's this? The whirlpool leads into the Holy Land. But One-Eye has gotten there first. Noggin manages to tear off half of his cloak, which it promptly turns out is a PROTECTIVE cloak that protects One-Eye from being instantly frozen as soon as he touches the ice (totally how ice works, as you know). Noggin isn't so lucky.

I will not make a Frozen joke. I will not make a Frozen joke...

With their halves of the protective cloak, Froglegs and Freddie manage to avoid being frozen and chase after One-Eye through an icy tunnel full of monsters. Including... a Xenomorph. Wow, I'm amazed it took them this long to make a pop culture reference, considering how many the first movie had.

Incidentally, Freddie calls it a "two-headed thingamasaurus".

But they don't have to worry about the Xenomorph - it's frozen in place. Can't say the same for the giant ice monster that awaits them in the next room, though.

"Hey, wanna CHILL OUT? It's very ICE to meet you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! BAD PUNS!"

While dodging the ice monster's attacks, Freddie and Froglegs realize that his job must be to protect the Crystal Frog and remember that stupid riddle from before. This somehow gives Freddie the idea to remove a gem from one of the ice monster's knees, which takes it out... for a few seconds. Then it gets back up and grabs Froglegs. Eventually, however, Froglegs manages to explain to the monster that they're trying to protect the Crystal Frog, like he is, from One-Eye. But they can't stop One-Eye from removing another gem from the monster's forehead.

"Now I can sell this and become rich! Or at least I would if frogs had a use for money. Y'know,
since we're animals..."

So Froglegs and Freddie chase after One-Eye AGAIN - I swear most of this movie has just been them chasing after One-Eye and nothing more. At that moment, Muscles, Devo and Ababwa wind up in the Holy Land as well. Hopefully they avoid getting frozen like Noggin.

Froglegs and Freddie get to the entrance to the sanctuary where the Crystal Frog is, and the gem magically flies out of One-Eye's grasp and unlocks it for them.

"YOU ARE GIVEN PERMISSION TO ENTER NIRVANA. THE PLACE, NOT THE BAND."

But One-Eye gets inside first, and he finds lots and lots of frog statues made out of things like white jade, ruby, and sapphire. "The Frog Kingdom is all mine! Everyone will BOW before me!" he shouts. Wait, I thought the Crystal Frog was the thing that would give you the power to rule the world. Now it's just having a bunch of treasure?

As soon as One-Eye picks up one of the statues, he... freezes solid. Apparently this is because the Crystal Frog was already moved from its original place. I don't know. The room crumbles, and Freddie grabs another statue that he thinks is the Crystal Frog but is clearly not made out of crystal and, again, freezes solid. Now it's all up to Froglegs. She realizes that humbleness and humility are the answer, and then it's revealed that the Crystal Frog was hidden under the staircase the whole time. Wait a minute, what does that have to do with humbleness and humility? Well, with great difficulty she manages to touch the Crystal Frog, which unfreezes Freddie, One-Eye, and Noggin.

"Wait, that's not crystal. It looks like stone."

So the day is saved, right? Wrong. One-Eye steals the Crystal Frog, only to drop it in a chasm. He and Freddie fight while Froglegs tries to save the Crystal Frog. Long story short, Froglegs saves the Crystal Frog and puts it back. And the ice monster is revived, too! The day is saved! Now they just have to get out of there before they all wind up frozen.

Muscles, Noggin, Devo, and Ababwa save Froglegs, Freddie, and One-Eye, and they all head down the river in their boat. One-Eye might be a good guy now. And Froglegs has forgiven Freddie for ditching her the first time. So, all's well that ends well, and Freddie and Froglegs are gonna get married as soon as they get back to the kingdom and yadda-yadda-yadda?

Nope. Freddie jumps off the boat, into the water, and swims away, showing that he has basically learned nothing. Froglegs is furious. And that's it. That's how it ends.

What's the Verdict?

I will say that Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond or Frog Kingdom 2 or whatever is at least slightly better than the first film. There are less unfunny pop culture references, Freddie and Noggin are less annoying, and it's much less disgusting (thank goodness they didn't bring back that one frog with the eyes in his stomach. Eugh). Too bad the film still isn't very good. It's another movie that's mediocre at best. Most of the jokes aren't funny, the characters are dull, the plot just sort of meanders around and drags itself out for too long, and the ending isn't satisfying at all. It's not even interesting in how bad it is like Frog Kingdom was, it's just blah. I think I've learned from doing this blog that if a film is going to suck, it should at least suck in bizarre, out of the ordinary ways.

So, yeah. Technically better than Frog Kingdom, but not worth your time. Don't watch it.

Rating: Two frozen frogs out of five. It left me cold.

Oh, and apparently there are two more Frog Kingdom movies. I will not be reviewing them, so don't ask me to.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Dog City"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

This is the first review I wrote after I went on hiatus earlier this year. Yes, even though I wasn't POSTING on this blog, I was still WRITING posts - see, I like to write my blog posts in advance and then just choose which one I want to post which week, but in February I was pretty behind. I needed to take the hiatus to get back up to speed. When I first started this blog, I probably thought it'd be easy. Just watch a cartoon and do funny commentary on it. Other people online do it, so how hard could it be?

Oh, how wrong I was. It's actually really hard to write a funny review of something. I'm constantly cringing at the reviews I've already posted and thinking there aren't nearly enough jokes in them. And those are just the reviews that actually made it onto the site!

I have a very long list of cartoon shows and animated movies that I tried to write a review of, but wound up scrapping because I wasn't getting enough joke material out of them. Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!, Kick Buttowski, ALF: The Animated Series, Heathcliff and the Cadillac Cats, Skippy: Adventures in Bushtown, CB Bears, The Cleveland Show, I can go on and on. I find episodes of the show online, I watch 'em, I try to make jokes, but I can't think of anything funny and I have no idea why. Is it me? Am I just not funny? Or are the shows just not giving me anything to work with? You'd think a cartoon about ROBOT MONKEYS FIGHTING CRIME would give me something, so I'm guessing it's the first one.

I needed something to get me out of this slump. I've found that the hardest cartoons to make jokes out of are the ones that are either just okay or mediocre. And, unfortunately, a lot of really obscure cartoon shows out there - y'know, the ones that I review for this blog - fall into one of those categories. I needed to review something really bad. Something infamous for its crappiness. Problem is, every cartoon show like that I've either already looked at (The Wacky World of Tex Avery, Fish Hooks, Pig Goat Banana Cricket) or have sworn not to touch with a ten foot pole (I'm not rewatching Fanboy and Chum-Chum). So I had to do something else. And y'know what? Sometimes, if you can't find something really bad, you could review something that you already know that you like. If you're already familiar with the characters and plots, it might be easier to think of jokes to make about 'em. Maybe. I don't know.

So, what is Dog City?

Well, it got its start as a TV special that aired as part of The Jim Henson Hour in 1989. The special took place in a city populated by anthropomorphic dogs (natch) and focused on a dog detective named Ace Yu who faces off against mobsters. You can currently find it on YouTube if you'd like to watch it yourself.

I guess the folks at the Jim Henson Company really liked how the special turned out, because they decided to make a Dog City cartoon show as well. However, the show had very little in common with the special aside from the whole "dog detective in a world of anthropomorphic pets" premise. Ace Yu was now Ace Hart (voiced by Ron White), private eye, who faced off against such foes as crime boss Bugsy Vile (voiced by John Stocker) and German-accented Baron Von Rottweiler (Stephen Ouimette). Ace was usually helped in his adventures by love interest Rosie O'Gravy (Elizabeth Hanna) and kid sidekick Eddie (Stuart Stone).

But what really made the show unique was that it had puppets in addition to the animated characters. In-universe, the creator of Ace Hart was a canine animator named Elliot Shag, puppeteered by Kevin Clash of Elmo fame, who would illustrate the episodes as they happened (not how animation works, I know, but just go with it) and interact with Ace. It was sort of like Duck Amuck, except as a cartoon show. Premiering on Fox Kids in September 1992, three seasons of the show and a total of thirty-one episodes were produced. The animation was handled by Nelvana.

After hearing about Dog City online years prior, I discovered that the show could be found on Tubi and decided to give it a watch. And y'know what? I found myself liking it. And I've found that I usually have better luck with writing funny reviews when they're of something I already know that I like than something I've never seen before. So guess what we're reviewing today?

After going through a couple episodes of the show's first season, I decided to review the eleventh episode, "Rocketship K-9". We start off with Ace climbing up a bridge so he can save three innocent puppies playing in a sandbox teetering on the top. I guess the OSHA doesn't have any juristriction in Dog City.

Hurry, Ace! If Cooler gets hurt (c'mon, you can't tell me that white puppy in the grey shirt
doesn't look like Cooler), they'll have to cancel Pound Puppies!

Actually, the puppies' being in danger is the work of Baron Von Rottweiler. The fiend! Fortunately, he is dealt with very easily by his dimwitted assistant fetching the dynamite that he was going to use to blow up the bridge... which instead goes off in front of him. The sandbox falls off the bridge anyway but lands safely in the water, no puppies are harmed, and Baron Von Rottweiler is arrested by literal police dogs.

He's going from the doghouse to the big house.

The day is saved, and the words "THE END" appear on the screen. I know what you're thinking: "Gee, that was a very short episode." But in actuality, the actual episode isn't over yet - we just caught the tail end (no pun intended) of an episode of the in-universe Ace Hart show.

Ace talks to Elliot about how the episode turned out. It's never made clear if Elliot is actually interacting with a sentient cartoon character or if it's all just in his imagination. I prefer to believe that it's the first one, mostly because it's a lot cooler that way.

"So, what's the next episode gonna be about?"

"Well, I just got hired to work on an animated movie called Foodfight!. The studio wants
you to be in it, but they're changing your name to 'Dex Dogtective' and you're gonna be in CGI."

"...Elliot, are you sure about this?"

"What's to worry about? It's not like the film's gonna be a poorly-animated, unfunny mess
filled with product placement, ethnic stereotypes, and jokes totally inappropriate for a children's
movie. I'm sure this Lawrence Kasanoff guy knows what he's doing..."

Elliot admits that he's not quite sure what the next episode of the show is gonna be about. He needs a little inspiration. Boy, I know how that feels. Except that I'm not an animator, I'm just some schmuck who writes reviews of cartoons. Not the same thing at all.

Just then, who should pop in the door but Artie (puppeteered by Joey Mazzarino), Elliot's number one fan and the character who inspired Eddie. From the way he's dressed, I assume that he's going to a sci-fi convention.

"Take me to your kibble!"

Apparently, Artie has gotten hooked on this show called Moon Doggies of New Litter, and he is indeed on his way to a fan club convention. He invites Elliot to come along, but as Elliot puts it, "Ace Hart comes first."

Next, in barges the superintendent of the building where Elliot lives, Bruno (Brian Muehl), and his dimwitted assistant Bowser (David Rudman). Bruno is freaking out because he thinks Moon Doggies are invading their planet, and Elliot has to explain to him that the "Moon Doggies" he's seen are just fans of a TV show and that there are no such things as aliens. Talking dogs, sure, but ALIENS? Poppycock!

Bruno here is in-universe the inspiration for Bugsy Vile. In fact, the puppet used for him is the very same puppet used in the original Dog City special for the main villain, Bugsy Them. Not only that, but Elliot's puppet is the same puppet used for the special's Ace Yu (who was ALSO performed by Kevin Clash!). Neat, huh?

"And why is everyone singin' about how 'they don't talk about' me?! Sayin' that I've got
a seven-foot frame and rats along my back?!"

Then when Artie emerges from the bathroom in his Moon Doggy getup, Bruno immediately forgets what Elliot said and panics. Clearly Bruno is a few sodas short of a six-pack. After Artie leaves, Elliot is inspired to do an outer space episode. "This is a detective show, kid! I catch bad dogs, not little green mutts!" Ace complains. I'm kind of with Ace - when you send your characters into outer space, it's a pretty big sign that you've jumped the shark. Remember how ridiculous it was when Josie and the Pussycats went into outer space?

But Elliot is insistent, imagining a parody of War of the Worlds where Ace is pursued by UFOS shooting laser beams.

I bet the aliens are from Pluto. Get it? 'Cause that's the name of another cartoon dog?

"ELLIOT, CALL 'EM OFF!" Ace begs as he runs from the aliens. He's also not impressed when he sees that the invading aliens look like giant bugs. Again, I have to agree - aliens looking like bugs isn't very original. Although, as someone who is terrified of bugs, I will admit that it's a great way to make aliens look creepier.

"Can't you at least draw me a can of Raid to deal with 'em or something?"

Elliot agrees to do the show Ace's way because he doesn't have the time to argue over it. So Ace finds himself back in his office, relaxing, not having to deal with extraterrestrials... or should that be extra-terrier-strials?

Does anyone else hear crickets chirping?

Well, anyway, these two big dogs in trenchcoats and fedoras barge in and tell Ace that "Uncle Sparky" wants him. He is taken to the Cape Carnivorous Space Centre and meets a rocket scientist named Wormer Von Hound, who looks like Professor Farnsworth but as a dog. Like, eerily so. Did Matt Groening watch this episode?

"Good news, everyone! I have a fursona!"

Y'know how we've actually sent dogs to space before? Well, the canines in Dog City are one step ahead of us: they've sent dogs to the MOON! But, according to Von Hound, when doggy astronaut Heel Arfstrong landed on the moon, he was promptly attacked by aliens. Ha ha, Ace, Elliot managed to sneak science fiction into the episode after all!

And since this episode involves aliens, I suppose I'm gonna have to include that clip from Bolt somewhere in the review, so here it is:

So now Von Hound wants to send another "astromutt" to the moon. And you'd think sending Ace into space against his will instead of, y'know, an actual "astromutt" would be a dumb idea, wouldn't you? And you'd expect that Von Hound wants to do exactly that because the plot demands it, wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong! Actually, Von Hound just wants Ace to find out who's been stealing their office supplies. It's really getting out of hand.

But Ace isn't stupid. When he sees a rocket outside, he tells Elliot, "I know where this is goin'. Somehow, you're gonna get me into that rocket and blasted off, right?" "Why, no, Ace," Elliot claims. "Whatever makes you think THAT?" I do love it when the characters in what I'm reviewing make the jokes for me.

Elliot is shocked to learn that a goofy-looking antennae and nothing more does not a
Teletubby costume make.

The next thing Ace knows, he's inside the rocket. "I hate to do this to him, but someday he'll thank me for it," Elliot says. "I think. And now, the plot thickens!" With his paintbrush, he creates a Russian-accented cat speaking into a walkie-talkie. The cat says that he'll sneak into the rocket, blast off into space, and claim the moon for the felines of Catsylvania. Rule of thumb: if your cartoon show stars dogs and a cat appears in it, chances are the cat will be a bad guy. I think the only cartoon show starring dogs that didn't do this was Puppy Dog Pals.

"And then, I will bottle all of the milk in the Milky Way and bring it back to Earth for the cats
to lap up!"

Unbeknownst to the cat and Ace, somebody else has his eyes on the rocket too. That's right, it's the one and only Bugsy Vile and his gang: Frisky the broad-shouldered chihuaua (James Rankin), Bugsy's dimwitted nephew Bruiser (Howard Jerome), and the psychotic Mad Dog (also Stephen Ouimette). What does Bugsy want with the rocket? Well, he's planning to steal it and make it part of his big criminals-only amusement park, Vile World, the vilest place on Earth.

I hear it's at least more fun than Wesaysoland.

They get into the rocket after Bugsy sticks his credit card in the door... I'm not quite sure how that works, but okay... but they didn't count on Ace being in the rocket. He thinks they stole the office supplies - and if Frisky and Bruiser's taking pencil sharpeners and staplers out of their jackets is any indication, he's on the money. But Bugsy wants the rocket, and he declares that there's nothing Ace can do to stop them from taking it and making a theme park ride out of it.

Of course, he has no idea that the cat from before has somehow gotten into the rocket and is sitting in the captain's seat. He presses the "blast off" button and up the rocket goes.

We have liftoff.

Upon realizing that they're traveling into outer space, all five of the dogs inside the rocket start panicking. "WE ARE HURTLING THROUGH THE COSMOS! GOING TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Bugsy exclaims. And not only that, but Frisky thinks he left the stove on! Horror of horrors!

"FREE HUGS!"

Ace points out to Elliot that they agreed on no science fiction crap in this episode. But Elliot found a loophole: blasting Ace to the moon isn't science FICTION, it's science FACT. "Come on, Ace, wouldn't you rahter howl ON the moon than howl AT the moon?" he suggests. I like how Elliot has a mischevious streak. Ace is just lucky Elliot hasn't started redesigning him at random. Otherwise, he could wind up looking like THIS:

Ace's little outer space adventure is interrupted by the return of Bruno and Bowser, who enter wearing pans on their heads and claiming that they're ready for the "Moon Doggies" this time. Apparently, Bruno doesn't even recognize Elliot with that antennae on, because when Elliot tells him that they're not being invaded by aliens, he says that the "Moon Doggy" is trying to "scramble [their] brains". "Someone obviously beat me to it," Elliot mutters.

Bruno also assumes that Elliot's waffle iron is a "Moon Doggy communicator" disguised as a common household appliance. He also sticks his paw on it like an idiot, and when Bowser accidentally turns it on, he winds up in serious pain. No wonder Elliot based one of his characters off of Bruno - he's practically a cartoon character already!

"Hey, don't blame ME. I TOLD you to leggo my Eggo..."

Once Bruno and Bowser leave, Elliot can get back to animating. Von Hound contacts Ace and screams at him for stealing the rocket, but Ace tells him that HE didn't steal it, BUGSY did. Bugsy claims that he's not stealing it either, although that was his original intent. But if HE didn't steal it, WHO did?

Of course, we know it was the cat... or rather, the horrifying dog-like alien he turned into!

"Hi, kids! I'll be seeing you all in your nightmares tonight!"

Ace tells Elliot to get rid of the "sci-fido", and Elliot turns the alien back into the cat. Bugsy and his gang fight the cat, and while this is going on, Ace notices a sign reading "IN CASE OF STUPIDITY, PRESS BUTTON" - a button that I think we ALL could use in this day and age. He presses the button, and the sign slides up to reveal a ray gun, which he promptly zaps the others with. It doesn't kill them, of course - the good guys of 1990s cartoon shows aren't allowed to kill people, for obvious reasons - it just freezes them. And somehow everyone in Dog City has already learned that Ace is going to the moon... I guess news travels fast in Dog City... so Ace can't back out now. It's off to the moon for him!

Ace takes charge, because he's seemingly the only one here with a level head. Bugsy and his gang are willing to listen to him, the cat not so much. He turns on a lunar rover... quick question, why would anthropomorphic dogs design a robot to look like a NON-anthropomorphic dog? I find that confusing...

They're playing "Go Fish". I guess the writers thought having dogs playing poker was too obvious
a joke...

...and gets it to eat Bruiser, Frisky and Mad Dog and fly out of the rocket with them inside it. Don't worry, they pop up in episodes after this, so we know they got back to Earth somehow. Maybe they hitched a ride in a UFO or something.

For some reason, the cat doesn't attempt to get rid of Ace and Bugsy as well. All three of them land on the moon... or at least, what they THINK is the moon. It's actually a hungry alien that's going to eat them for a midnight snack!

"HOW DARE YOU PUNY DOGS DISTURB MY SLUMBER! SAY HELLO TO MY
DIGESTIVE TRACT!"

"That's ENOUGH, Elliot!" Ace barks. Aw, come on, Ace, let Elliot spice up the episode a little. Alas, Elliot concedes, and the moon changes back to normal. They find the remains of the previous spaceship that brought Heel Arfstrong to the moon. Who could have done this? Why don't we ask the giant robot?

"I claim this moon in the name of the Autobots!"

"ELLIOT! Enough already with the space monsters!" Ace complains, but Elliot tells him that the robot isn't a space monster (another loophole! Elliot is great at finding them). It's being controlled by Baron Von Rottweiler's dimwitted minion from earlier, who takes them to his master's secret air-filled dome on the moon.

Okay, okay, hang on. How did Von Rottweiler escape the police and wind up on the MOON? Did he steal another rocket? Did he manage to contact aliens and have them pick him up? HOW?

See what happens when you deny Elliot the chance to put in aliens, Ace?

Adding to the confusion, after conquering the moon, Von Rottweiler built a doomsday device and is going to blow up the earth with it. Because... I don't know, it obstructs his view of Venus, maybe? He'll only spare the earth if he's allowed to take it over (and get an episode of Ace's show all to himself. You'll have to talk to Elliot about that, Von Rottweiler).

Ace... defeats Von Rottweiler with remarkable ease. Kind of anti-climactic, don't you think?

Hey, Ace, Blue left one of her pawprints on your suit. It must be a clue!

So the day is saved... except that no it's not, because Ace accidentally presses the button that launches the doomsday device. Oh, nice going, Ace. Fortunately, Ace manages to save the earth by telling Von Rottweiler's dimwitted assistant to fetch the missile. Downside: now it's heading for the moon, so now Ace, Von Rottweiler, Bugsy, the cat, and Heel are going to go ker-blooey instead. They all run into the rocket and blast off, grabbing Von Rottweiler's assistant and the lunar rover with Frisky, Bruiser, and Mad Dog in it on the way back to Earth, narrowly avoiding the missile's reaching the moon and blowing it up. The Earth's tides promptly shift, the kid in the DreamWorks logo now has nothing to sit on, and werewolves all over the world (do werewolves exist in a city where everyone is already an anthropomorphic dog?) are vanquished.

Ka-boom.

Ace returns to Earth a hero, and just as Elliot is finishing up the episode, Bruno and Bowser show up with a police dog and tell him to arrest Elliot for being a "Moon Doggy". Fortunately, the cop isn't an idiot, but he IS a fan of the "Moon Doggies", and as a result of that and Artie returning with his pals, Bruno faints.

Elliot has a surprise for Ace. He's going to get the key to the city - but that city isn't Dog City. Suddenly, Ace is sitting in front of a crowd of aliens. "Submitted for your approval... Ace Hart, private eye, dog. He went sniffing for glory in outer space..." Elliot says, doing his best Rod Serling impression. "But he found himself... barking up the wrong tree. A national hero in... the Hydrant Zone." "ELLIOT, GET THEM AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ace shrieks. Sorry, Ace, but you can't fight the dog holding the brush.

"Heh heh heh... ain't I a stinker?"

What's the Verdict?

So that's Dog City, and as you might have guessed, the best thing about it is the combination of live action and animation. It's a very unique idea for a show - an animator actually drawing the show as we watch it and interacting with the main character - and allows for a lot of great jokes. But the animated segments... y'know, the actual cartoon... are fun as well. Nicely animated, cool characters, good voice acting, and and I like how, unlike Fish Police, they actually utilize the fact that the characters aren't human. You don't get that much of it in this specific episode, but the show actually uses the characters being dogs to do some unique gags and storylines. For example, the first episode is about Ace trying to find who's stealing everybody's squeaky toys.

What's my main problem with the show? Well, in Season 3 things sort of got away from the Ace Hart stuff. Suddenly every episode had the stories interrupted by a segment starring some other character, including some that weren't even from Ace's show. I don't care about Artie's toy rabbit or the cat thief who outwits the dumb dog security guard, I came here for Ace Hart. Couldn't you at least put these segments in after Ace's storyline has wrapped up? Nonetheless, I still highly recommend checking out Dog City. Seek it out if you haven't already.

Rating: Four flea collars out of five. A doggone good cartoon.

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