Let's Watch This: An Episode of "C-Bear and Jamal"

Y'know, we'll probably never have an animated adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson, notorious for his hatred of merchandising, apparently considered doing one at one point but decided against it for a number of reasons. Nowadays, animated adaptations of comic strips that haven't already gotten one are exceedingly rare (why is there no Sherman's Lagoon cartoon show? I love that strip!), I wouldn't expect them to ever do one. If you want to see Calvin and Hobbes animated, you'll have to look up fan animations on YouTube. Like this one:

But believe it or not, there kind of IS an actual animated Calvin and Hobbes show. It's called C-Bear and Jamal.

This show premiered in February 1996 on the Fox Kids programming block. Created by rapper Tone Loc, Earl Richey Jones, and Todd R. Jones, it's often described online as an animated, "hip-hop"-infused version of Calvin and Hobbes. Only instead of a six-year-old boy and tiger who may or may not be imaginary (I subscribe to the theory that he's real, everyone except Calvin just sees him as a stuffed animal), it's about a nine-year-old boy named Jamal Harrison Wingo (voiced by Arthur Reggie III) whose best pal is a rapping teddy bear named C-Bear, voiced by Tone Loc himself.

Only thirteen episodes were produced, I imagine because a lot of people took one look at it and brushed it off as being lousy. I mean, a rapping teddy bear with a backwards baseball cap and sunglasses? On paper, that sounds like a really lame idea. But I've heard good things about the show online, so it couldn't have been THAT bad. Besides, despite not being much of a rap fan, I actually like Tone Loc! He was the only good thing about that Food Rocks show they had at EPCOT in the 1990s. Remember that? He voiced the host of the show, a nutrition label named Fud Wrapper.

I never actually saw Food Rocks in person, but I've watched videos of it on
YouTube. Other characters in the show included a Little Richard pineapple, Pita
Gabriel, and a fish with the head of Cher.

Fortunately, you can find episodes of C-Bear and Jamal on YouTube, so what say we give the show a watch and see if it's a hidden gem or another example of a dated show that tries to be hip and cool and just falls flat on its face (coughcoughcoughQuackPackcoughcoughcough). We'll be watching the second episode, "The Emperor's New Gear". And no, I won't be making any Emperor's New Groove jokes. I don't expect Jamal to turn into a llama at any point in the episode.

The episode starts off with a high angle shot of Jamal's house as C-Bear's voice informs us of what the plot is going to be. "'Bout to kick a little lesson to my home-boy Jamal about his new gear. Oh well, like I always say, a bear's work is never done," he explains.

Alas, Teddy Ruxpin's attempt at starting a rap career was a massive failure.

C-Bear winds up waking Jamal up after he slips on a roller skate. He was trying to sneak out to a nightclub. Does he regularly go to nightclubs? Don't any of the people there find it weird that a teddy bear can walk and talk? I thought this was one of those situations where only Jamal knows that C-Bear is alive...

Anyhow, Snoop Beary Bear gives Jamal a slice of pizza that, as Jamal learns the hard way, tastes like crap. Where'd he get it? Inside one of Jamal's tennis shoes. Okay, how the heck did a slice of pizza get inside one of Jamal's shoes? And why would C-Bear even THINK of letting Jamal eat something that's been inside a shoe all day? Eugh.

"I'm tellin' ya, you should ditch these Tennies and get a pair of Nikes. Just do it!"

"C-Bear, you know how I feel about product placement!"

After that, Jamal's dad (George Wallace) comes in and tells him that he picked up those new clothes he promised him. He'll give them to him in the morning... wait, it's nighttime? That high angle shot at the beginning of the episode clearly showed a sunny day. See for yourself:

Did nobody tell the background painters that this first scene takes place at night?

Well, anyway, Jamal is all crunk (apparently that's 1990s slang for "excited") about getting new clothes, prompting C-Bear to show him what clothes he wears to the nightclubs he frequents. I assume this look was considered hip back in the 1990s.

Wow! C-Bear is hip! Cool! Bodacious! Other 1990s slang!

Where'd he get that suit, anyway? At Build-a-Bear Workshop?

The show's intro plays, and then we cut to the next morning, where Jamal is woken up by his grandma (Dawnn Lewis). Jamal is very excited to put on his new clothes... until he discovers that his dad bought him quite possibly the tackiest shirt ever.

I'm pretty sure Calvin had pajamas like that...

Apparently the reason why Jamal's dad bought him such ugly clothes is that the name brands are too expensive at the moment (and also the animators didn't have the money to pay Nike, Gap, and all those other popular 1990s clothing manufacturers for the use of their likenesses). His grandma describes him as looking like "a quilt I made back in the winter of '42". Adding to the frustration, instead of Nikes, Jamal's dad bought him "Psychies" - he was so cheap he grabbed Nike KNOCKOFFS, which makes all my previous mentions of Nike kind of redundant now that I think of it. Thanks a lot, Jamal's dad, now he can't star in shoe commercials with Bugs Bunny!

Hey, isn't that the Disney font?

While all of this is going on, C-Bear is getting into Tom and Jerry-style mischief with Jamal's dog (dog noises provided by Danny Mann). For example, feeding him a sandwich doused with tabasco sauce.

DISCLAIMER: Digesting tabasco sauce will not, in fact, give you the ability to breathe
fire like a dragon. Or the ability to levitate.

The dog begs Grandma to refill his water bowl, but C-Bear isn't done being cruel to the poor canine - he swaps out the water tank for a bottle of PRUNE JUICE, nature's laxative. And then he locks the doggy door so the dog can't even go outside and do his business. C-Bear's kind of a sadist, it appears.

Isn't tormenting the dog kind of a bad idea, C-Bear? You're a stuffed animal. He could make you his new chew toy. Haven't you seen Toy Story?

"I also put land mines all over the yard. You'll NEVER go to the bathroom now, bwah-ha-ha!"

Jamal heads out the door and meets up with his friends Kwame (Aries Spears), Maya (Kim Fields), and Chipster (Jeannie Elias), who are at the bus stop discussing whether or not stop signs are racist (they'd fit right in on social media!). "Who dressed you, Jamal? Stevie Wonder?" Maya quips, sending her, Kwame, and Chipster into hysterics. Kwame says that he thinks Jamal looks respectable. "He would," C-Bear whispers, "He's wearing Winnie Mandela's tablecloth." Yeah, I'm sure all the kids are gonna get that reference.

Then another one of Jamal's friends, Big Chill (also Aries Spears), shows up. Apparently he somehow managed to get a driver's license. He starts making fun of Jamal's clothes too, despite the fact that he's ALSO wearing a lime green shirt and hot pink pants. "What happened? Did Little Richard have a garage sale?" Maya asks.

Okay, Comedy 101: mentioning a celebrity is not in of itself a joke. The Stevie Wonder joke wasn't funny, but at least it actually had a punchline (an incredibly offensive punchline that mocks the sight-impaired). What's the punchline here? Did Little Richard have a habit of dressing in incredibly tacky clothing? Most of the photos I've seen of him have him in a nice suit.

Nobody needs to see your belly button, Big Chill.

Fortunately, the school is apparently having a swap meet that day, so Jamal can get some NEW clothes. Only problem is, his friends all have lousy taste in fashion. Jamal laments to C-Bear that he's stuck with these tacky new clothes, but C-Bear knows how to fix the problem - introduce Jamal to the Duke. Not to be confused with Duke Ellington, the famous jazz pianist. See, I can reference random celebrities too. Doesn't make my reviews funnier.

With a wave of his paw, they're transported to the Duke's castle. "This guy has everything: gold, silver, and the number one album for the past fourteen weeks," C-Bear explains. "But I hear he's having some trouble in the clothing department." And the Duke turns out to be...

...I initially thought this was a Little Richard caricature, but I think it's actually supposed to be Prince. Get it? Instead of being called "Prince", he's called "Duke", another name for a male member of royalty?

I suppose I should make a reference to that "finger prints" joke from Animaniacs, but something
tells me that I shouldn't.

Duke raps (was Prince a rapper?) about how he's got a concert in less than an hour but he's got no cool clothes to wear. Y'know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... can we bring the Michael Jackson Bear back?

C-Bear assures Duke that he can help him, he just so happens to be a tailor extraordinaire. Who do you think supplied the Gummi Bears with their fancy duds? Or Paddington with his iconic blue jacket and red hat? He dresses Duke in some of his outfits: first, the Mad Hatter's hand-me-downs...

I believe this is called the "Willy Wonka Meets Ronald McDonald" Look.

His next outfit for Duke is this charming ensemble...

The "I Shop at Hot Topic" Look.

And then, we get the funniest joke in the episode thus far. When Duke complains that the outfit he's got him in isn't purple enough, he dresses him as a Barney the Dinosaur parody.

Suddenly, it becomes obvious why there aren't any bear fashion designers. Aside from, y'know, because most bears don't wear clothes...

C-Bear is pleased by the fact that he just fed Duke to a tyrannosaurus rex. Jamal is
just confused, and the t-rex finds Duke hard to swallow.

Okay, so a teddy bear just dressed Prince up like Barney the Dinosaur... there's a joke here, I just can't think of it.

"I look ridiculous! Guards, off with their heads!" Duke declares, and C-Bear and Jamal are sent to the guillotine. But before they can get the axe, C-Bear asks Duke if he can perform for them. Duke, still wearing the dinosaur costume, sings a high note, to which Jamal says that he performs the same no matter what he's wearing. So Duke decides to let C-Bear and Jamal go free, then proceeds to perform at his concert dressed as a rejected Dragon Tales character.

After he and C-Bear head home, Jamal recites the moral of the episode: it doesn't matter what he has on, what matters is who he is inside. And that's about it.

What's the Verdict?

This actually isn't as similar to Calvin and Hobbes as I thought it would be. But you know what it IS? It's a much better version of Ned's Newt. Think about it: you've got a boy, you've got a talking animal that only he is aware of is sentient, and they go on weird adventures. But instead of Harland Williams loudly yammering with the most painfully unfunny script ever, it's Tone Loc at his most chill.

I can't hate this. Yes, it's cheesy and reeks of 1990s "trying to be hip and cool with the kids, yo". Yes, most of the jokes are unfunny references to celebrities. Yes, C-Bear is basically given nothing to do for most of the episode but make wisecracks. But come on, a teddy bear voiced by Tone Loc dressing a parody of Prince in a Barney the Dinosaur costume? It's just so out-there I can't help but love it. Aside from that, the animation is nice and the voice actors all do a good job. Is it anything spectacular? No, but I thought it was decent. Check it out if you'd like.

Oh, also, C-Bear > Ted. Mainly because Tone Loc > Seth MacFarlane.