Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Mr. Peabody and Sherman Show"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

All right, I know this is an unpopular opinion, so get ready to type insults in the comments section... I don't like DreamWorks' 2014 Mr. Peabody and Sherman movie.

Do I hate it? No! Do I think it's worth watching at least ONCE? Sure. Are there things I like about it? Of course. But there's a lot that keeps me from being a fan. I've already talked about how little I like Ty Burrell as Mr. Peabody (every time he talked, all I could hear was Phil Dunphy), but my main problem is that it takes itself very seriously, which I'm not sure something based on a segment from Rocky and Bullwinkle should do. You're taking a cartoon about a genius dog and his pet boy traveling through time and helping historical figures and playing it for drama? I don't think that EVER could have worked. Just so we're clear, I'm not saying that the film should be non-stop jokes and zany antics - the George of the Jungle movie is a goofy comedy that doesn't take itself seriously, but it still has heart. Mr. Peabody and Sherman prioritizes emotion over humor. And I'm honestly not sure what Mr. Peabody's character arc in the movie was even supposed to be... is it that he should be more open with affection or less overprotective of Sherman?

But I know a lot of people love the movie. The critics, in particular, were thrilled by it... which didn't stop the film from underperforming at the box office. But DreamWorks wasn't done with Mr. Peabody yet. Like most of DreamWorks' films in the 2010s, it got a Netflix show.

Serving as both a reboot of the original "Peabody's Improbable History" segments and a spin-off of the movie, the show was developed by David P. Smith and premiered on Netflix on October 9th, 2015. Unlike the movie, this show was 2D, with DHX Media providing the animation. Mr. Peabody was now voiced by Chris Parnell, but Max Charles reprised his role as Sherman. Most of the characters created for the movie that weren't in the original segments (Sherman's girlfriend, her parents, the evil social worker) don't show up. Like the original segments, Mr. Peabody and Sherman traveled through time and met historical figures, but now they also hosted a variety show with other historical figures serving as the guests.

Four seasons and a total of fifty-two episodes were produced. The show managed to snag two Annie Awards and a couple of Emmys as well. It has since been removed from Netflix, so if you want to watch it you either need a streaming service called Kidoodle.TV or go to the Internet Archive. I'll be using the latter. I know the chances of me liking a TV show based on a movie I don't like are pretty slim, but I can name several times I've liked a movie but hated the TV show it spawned (see also Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness), so who knows? We're going to watch the third episode of the show. This is The Mr. Peabody and Sherman Show.

The episode starts off with Mr. Peabody and Sherman figure skating. They've invited the father of modern figure skating, Jackson Haines, to judge their routine.

Hey, Sherman, Elton John called. He wants his glasses back.

They do their fancy figure-skating routine, which culminates in Mr. Peabody falling through the ice because Sherman was taking care of his Tamagotchi instead of catching him. Remember the Tamagotchi? I think it's still a thing, but it's not quite as popular nowadays. I guess everyone realized that digital pets aren't as much fun as real pets. Even if digital pets don't poop on your carpet.

I never had a Tamagotchi. I think my older sister had one at some point, but I could
be wrong.

"Sherman, we've been over this. Having a pet is a HUGE responsibility," Mr. Peabody says. Plus, Sherman is already Mr. Peabody's pet... oh, wait, that was the ORIGINAL version of these characters, where the joke was that instead of a boy having a pet dog, it was a dog having a pet boy. The DreamWorks version of Mr. Peabody is Sherman's adopted father. How else would they be able to throw manufactured drama over Mr. Peabody not being a good father in our faces?

Next, it's time for the portion of the show where Mr. Peabody and Sherman actually do the time-traveling. But first, an appearance from Mrs. Hughes, their... secretary or whatever, who emerges from a giant venus flytrap with a portal in it? Yeah, I don't know either.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but could we please go back to the figure skating?

After that, Mr. Peabody tells us via flashback how he and Sherman met the explorer Marco Polo (voiced by Nolan North). You know who Marco Polo is, right? Venetian mechant and explorer, traveled the Silk Road in China, namesake of the popular pool game? THIS version of Marco Polo has a Brooklyn accent for some reason and is wandering around eating food from street vendors. You see, there's a legend that Marco Polo is the guy who brought noodles to Italy from China, so he's the reason we have spaghetti. This, from what I've read, is false - pasta already existed in the Mediterranean before he came around. I suppose I should complain about this show's not being historically accurate, but that seems kind of pointless for a show where a dog can talk and travel through time.

Eugh, those armpit hairs.

Instead of noodles, however, Marco Polo plans on bringing back... bok choy. Y'know, that food that's basically just cabbage. He doesn't even know what a noodle is. So Mr. Peabody and Sherman bring him to the most famous noodle shop in all of China. "Marco Polo don't put nothin' in his face that ain't got a face," Marco Polo claims. Even though about five minutes ago he was talking about how great bok choy is, and bok choy doesn't have a face either.

Will Mr. Peabody and Sherman get Marco Polo to eat noodles? We'll have to find out later, because Mr. Peabody interrupts the flashback to introduce the audience to Charles Darwin. He's brought with him a dodo bird, a quagga, and a woolly mammoth that looks more like Sidney the elephant from Terrytoons (if you don't know who that character is, look it up).

I've heard that scientists are actually trying to bring back the woolly mammoth.
You think they'll ever accomplish that?

Charles Darwin explains that these animals became extinct because they were all dumb as a rock. I'm doubtful. If being incredibly stupid is all it takes for an animal to go extinct, how come humans are still alive? Charles Darwin is also kind of a jerk, because he tosses the dodo into the air just to let it fall on its face (y'know, because he can't just say the dodo can't fly, nobody's gonna believe THE FATHER OF EVOLUTION on that). AND he wheels in an inflatable pool full of hot tar for the woolly mammoth to drown in. Fortunately, Sherman has taken a liking to the mammoth and he advises it not to take a dip. Ha! In your face, Darwin!

Did you know that woolly mammoths used their curved tusks to dig up the ground? Hey,
if I can't be funny, I think I should at least try to be educational.

Sherman begs Mr. Peabody to let him keep the mammoth, but Mr. Peabody says no. For one thing, it's hard to house-train a mammoth and he doesn't want to wake up one morning and find a mountain of crap on the living room rug. But also Mr. Peabody thinks HE'LL be the one walking him and feeding him and getting him chew toys. And those are all things SHERMAN should be doing for HIM. Y'know, since he's a dog.

"I tried, boy! But my... FATHER... doesn't approve of our LOVE!" Sherman tells the mammoth. Mr. Peabody, how could you be so cruel? Separating your son and the enormous prehistoric pachyderm that he's clearly formed a bond with? But Sherman is clever and simply HIDES the mammoth behind the set. And Mr. Peabody doesn't notice the mammoth's trunk peeking out from over the wall. So much for being the world's smartest dog.

I think Mr. Peabody needs new glasses if he can't see the literal elephant in the room.

It isn't until Sherman starts listing pet names that Mr. Peabody notices the mammoth's trunk and reveals the whole thing to the audience. And now, back to the Marco Polo story!

Apparently, Marco Polo's finickyness reminds Mr. Peabody of when Sherman was a baby and wouldn't eat his vegetables. He would simply read him a book about another finicky eater and Sherman would inhale the broccoli. For legal reasons, he can't read the book on this show, so he wrote his own: a parody of Green Eggs and Ham. Long story short, Marco Polo eats the noodles and loves 'em.

"And I will eat them on the go.
And I will eat them in the snow.
And I will eat them 'neath the sky.
And I will eat them in Shanghai.
And I will eat them in Beijing.
They are a most delicious thing!
And I will eat them with a yak.
And I will eat them as a snack.
And I'll eat them with grated cheese.
And with marinara sauce, please.
I'll take them back to Italy!
I like them, Mr. Peabody!"

So they go back to the noodle shop so Marco Polo can get the recipe, but the Chinese stereotype who runs the shop will only give it to them if they compete in three challenges. What are these three challenges? We'll have to find out later, because we cut back to Sherman and Mr. Peabody arguing over the mammoth. Their argument is interrupted by their downstairs neighbor and resident stereotypical sassy black woman, Christine (Da'Vine Joy Randolph), barging in and doing this with her dog:

"The mammoth needs to be in his own environment with the proper climate, the right kind of food, and familiar animals! The Ice Age!" Mr. Peabody says. After all, if they don't return him to the Ice Age, how will Disney be able to continue milking the franchise, even after they shut down the studio that made the films? Why, no, I'm not still bitter about that at all.

Then who should show up but ANOTHER stereotype. This time, it's an Indian swami riding a magic carpet.

Meanwhile, Christine is still French-kissing her dog.

Mr. Peabody tells the swami to help Sherman return the Woolly Mammoth to the Ice Age. Instead, Sherman turns the apartment into a winter wonderland, with saber-toothed tigers and giant beavers and even neandrethals walking around. How did he accomplish this? I don't know. I guess the implication is that the swami has some sort of mystical genie-like powers and can grant wishes.

All it needs is for Elsa to show up and start singing "Let It Go".

After that, we continue with the flashback. Everything turns into one of those martial arts movies where the lip-sync doesn't match up (which Sherman points out). Their first challenge is to walk across a floor comprised of the tops of large swaying noodles, holding a cup of water. And also the noodles are being boiled, but they're being cooked al dente which makes them both hard and soft... I'm just gonna take Mr. Peabody's word for it, I'm not a culinary expert. They manage to get across when Mr. Peabody uses one of the noodles to swing across the room.

The next challenge is for them to, while holding an egg and preventing it from cracking, fight "noodle warriors" wielding fortune cookies and eggroll nunchucks. I can't help but find this offensive. Did I turn on an episode of Chop Socky Chooks by mistake?

And why do the "noodle warriors" have purple skin? Did they eat Willy Wonka's gum
or something?

Sherman defeats the "noodle warriors" by eating their weapons. Challenge number three is for them to take a measuring cup full of flour to the middle of the room - after they've been spun around and the room is filled with flour. To solve THIS challenge, they invent the game "Marco Polo".

"Each challenge was a secret ingredient!" Mr. Peabody says, and thus Marco Polo learns how to make noodles, preventing the world from not knowing what rigatoni is. After the flashback, we see Mr. Peabody use his skating skillz from the beginning of the episode to save Sherman from a saber-toothed tiger cub. Or, rather, its mother.

Diego's girlfriend from the fourth and fifth Ice Age movies is mad she wasn't invited back
for Ice Age 6.

The mammoth saves them, and Mr. Peabody decides to let Sherman keep him after all. I'm guessing the mammoth doesn't show up in any of the following episodes. Which is too bad, because having a woolly mammoth around would make this show a lot cooler.

What's the Verdict?

This is a mixed bag of a show. On the one hand, it manages to avoid most of the problems that the movie has... namely, it doesn't take itself so seriously. The focus is entirely on the jokes. Downside: most of the jokes aren't funny. This is what the show considers a funny joke:

Being disgusting is not the same thing as being funny.

It doesn't help that Sherman is extremely Flanderized here. In the film, and the original segments, he was a normal little kid. He was not loud, obnoxious, and stupid - three words that I think best describe him here. Basically, he's been turned into Chowder (right down to the large appetite!). They even both frequently make over-the-top bizarre expressions for the sake of WACKINESS. I considered making screencaps of each one, but I didn't, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

The animation is pretty good, every so often there's a chuckle-worthy moment, and I much prefer Chris Parnell as Mr. Peabody to Ty Burrell (even if he still doesn't sound much like Bill Scott). If you enjoyed the movie, I'd say give the show a watch. If you liked the original segments but didn't care for the movie, I'd avoid it. It's hardly the WORST reboot of a Jay Ward cartoon, though. I think we all know what show THAT honor goes to...

Rating: Two and a half woolly mammoths out of five. You'll wish you could travel back in time and warn yourself not to watch it.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Dawn of the Croods"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

The Croods isn't exactly one of DreamWorks' more popular movies. It was released during that brief time period in the 2010s where DreamWorks' animated films were more often than not box office bombs - however, unlike most of DreamWorks' releases during that time, this one actually did well at the box office. And this was also the same time period where DreamWorks was teaming up with Netflix to do shows based on their animated movies. Shows like Turbo: F.A.S.T., All Hail King Julien, The Mr. Peabody and Sherman Show, even Home got a show for Netflix at one point. You can see where I'm going with this, right?

And so, Dawn of the Croods premiered on Christmas Eve 2015 on Netflix. The show took place before the events of the movie, detailing the adventures of the Crood family in the valley where they lived before they met Ryan Reynolds' character Guy. Fifty-two episodes were produced.

According to the show's producer, Brendan Hay, "I loved how [The Croods] managed to carefully balance a modern, relatable family dynamic between characters with a caveman's point of view. I love The Flintstones, but it was always about transporting the modern world's conveniences into its time period. The Croods took the time to create an experience based on how a cave family would live, which surprisingly hasn't been done that often, at least for comedy. The only condition going in was that Dawn of the Croods had to be a prequel, because the next feature film is going to be a sequel. So my thinking went into what the first family sitcom in history might be like. There's a sentence in The Croods' prologue where Eep explained that they used to have neighbors, which sounded like a fun world, so we decided to build that out. What would be The Croods' version of The Simpsons' Springfield? If we put them into situations that modern families like ours understand and take for granted, how weird, strange, or funny could it be?"

The show differs from the film in a few ways. First of all, it's 2D as opposed to CGI. The crew wanted the show to have a cartoonish look, but it's really hard to do cartoony squash-and-stretch in CGI on a television show's budget. Second, all of the characters have been recast because the celebrities who voiced them in the movie were likely too busy or too expensive to do the show. So, instead of Emma Stone we have Stephanie Lemelin as teenage cavegirl Eep (not the first time - she previously did Eep's voice for a video game), Dan Milano of Robot Chicken fame instead of Nicholas Cage as her father Grug, Cree Summer instead of Catherine Keener as her mother Ugga, AJ LoCascio instead of Clark Duke as her dimwitted younger brother Thunk, Grey DeLisle-Griffin instead of sound designer Randy Thorn as the rambunctious baby of the family Sandy, and Laraine Newman instead of Cloris Leachman as wisecracking grandma Gran.

I've never watched a single episode of this show before, but I did like The Croods (and I thought its 2020 sequel was pretty good too) and find DreamWorks' 2010s Netflix shows to generally be pretty good. So let's take a look at Dawn of the Croods and see if it's a fun show or if it's a blast from the past that should have just stayed in the past. We're reviewing the tenth episode of the second season and the twenty-third episode overall, which consists of the segments "Croodtopia" and "Hands on a Hard Egg". Why an episode of the second season? Because I've noticed that I usually review an episode of a show's FIRST season and I feel like it's becoming a bit repetitive. Let's get started.

"Croodtopia" begins with Eep, like all cartoon teenage girls, whining about how her parents never let her do anything fun. In this case, Grug and Ugga are telling her and Thunk to stop licking rocks - wow, if this is what cavepeople considered to be a fun activity, thank goodness they invented things like bicycles and televisions.

In the movie, Ugga wasn't a redhead, she was a brunette. In hindsight, it's a little
weird that Eep was a redhead when in the movie both of her parents were brunettes...
maybe the colorists thought so too?

The reason why Grug and Ugga don't want their kids licking rocks is because there's a case of something called "the Sneezles" going around. If you get "the Sneezles", your nose leaks out, your stomach does somersaults, and your boogers turn purple. Grug demonstrates all of these symptoms, so I wonder if HE'S been licking rocks too...

"Ugh, there's nothing more disgusting than getting barfed on by Grimace..."

Now that Grug has the Sneezles and Ugga and Gran have been sneezed on by him, there's only one thing for Eep, Thunk and Sandy to do: leave the cave until they've got the Sneezles out of their systems. A few seconds later, they run into their pals Lerk (also Grey DeLisle-Griffin) and Womp (also Dan Milano). All five revel in their newfound freedom - with the parents not around, they can do whatever they want. They can go swimming, watch animals fight like professional wrestlers (complete with a "pro wrestling is fake" joke)...

A scene from the long-awaited WWE/Where the Wild Things Are crossover.

Eventually, the kids come to a disagreement. They're hungry, and Eep and Lerk want to hunt a tasty-looking mosquitoad, one of the many bizarre animals that live in their world... so, is the Croods' valley just a prehistoric version of the Land of Wuz? Is this show a prequel to The Wuzzles? That's my new headcanon.

Since he's part-bug and part-toad, he lives in a constant state of turmoil regarding
whether or not he should eat himself.

"I'm not in the mood for mosquitoad. How about spike-apples?" Thunk suggests. Womp agrees, he's not so much a huntER as a huntEE. "Fine. You do what you want, I'll do what I want, and Sandy... do what Sandy wants," Eep tells them. And what Sandy wants to do is chase after a cross between a chicken and a fish.

Look, it's a literal Chicken of the Sea!

Thunk and Womp head for a tree bearing spikeapples, which are apples with spikes sticking out of them (which sounds dangerous to eat, doesn't it?). Because Thunk is an idiot, he winds up having three of them FALL INTO HIS EYEBALLS. Ouch! That's not funny, that's just painful! Meanwhile, Eep and Lerk's attempt at hunting the mosquitoad (they throw rocks at it) is a total wash too, which Eep blames Thunk for. For some reason. She's so mad that she draws a line in the sand and we do the "This is my side, and that is YOUR side" cliche.

"This side's the best! That side STINKS! You're on the JERSEY side of this cesspool!"

More problems arise. Eep and Lerk are promptly attacked by what looks like a cross between a vulture and a dinosaur, while Thunk and Womp are chased by a moler bear... you can probably guess which animals THAT is a fusion of. Once they're dealt with, Eep and Thunk start arguing again, and then the chicken-fish... or, as the characters call it, a Chickuna... shows up and they get into a tug-of-war over it. Then Sandy appears, grabs the Chickuna in her mouth and runs up a tree with it. Seeing their sister in danger, Eep and Thunk realize that working together is good or whatever and save her through the power of teamwork... and then all three of them fall out of the tree, but it's a cartoon, so of course they survive.

That night, the three Crood kids arrive back at their cave and beg Grug and Ugga to tell them what to do, much to their confusion. Then Sandy sneezes at the camera, covering it with purple glop. Uh oh, she's got the Sneezles!

Our next segment, "Hands on a Hard Egg", begins with Grug, Thunk, and Eep ready to eat. Fortunately, Ugga has something for them to munch on: sticks! Because... I guess she now thinks that they're beavers.

Ugga's homemade "fish sticks" leave a lot to be desired.

Why sticks? Because there's a food shortage going on - the trees aren't growing fruit and prey is scarce. Because there's not enough prey to go around, Eep points out to Grug that he'll probably need some extra help to find it, wink wink, nudge nudge. Grug is all "No, you're too young to help me hunt!" and then goes flying into a pile of rocks, which (since this is a cartoon) does NOT crack his skull open like a coconut but rather sends all the rocks flying, revealing a giant egg. And upon seeing that giant egg, all of the cavepeople in the valley are suddenly craving omelets.

"POACHED!"

"FRIED!"

"SCRAMBLED!"

"SUNNY SIDE UP!"

"OVER EASY!"

Since they all grabbed the egg at the same time, they decide to have a little contest: whoever takes their hand off the egg is disqualified, and whoever's remaining after everyone else has taken their hand - or some other body part - off the egg gets it. I think people actually have contests like this, but it's usually for a new car or something. Not a giant egg. Mostly because giant eggs are very hard to find nowadays (maybe if moas weren't extinct...). And in case you're wondering, no, I have never taken part in any of these contests. I don't even drive, what would I want with a new car?

This isn't as easy as it sounds. First, it gets really hot. Then, when the sun sets, it gets really cold. By morning, the first caveperson has dropped out, and then a Chris Parnell-voiced caveperson decides it's not worth it and walks away while he still has his dignity... off a cliff, where he is promptly mauled by a moler bear.

Meanwhile, back at Casa Del Crood, Thunk and Ugga are trying to get Sandy to eat. But she's not a fan of eating sticks, and Thunk's most recent attempt at feeding her results in her hallucinating that he's a rejected Wuzzle.

"Two kinds of fun, wrapped up and rolled into one..."

Eventually, Eep falls asleep, and when she wakes up, she discovers that she's the only one still holding the egg. Did everyone else leave? Nope - the egg is alive, and it's carnivorous! And now it's going to eat HER! Boy, this episode took a dark turn all of a sudden...

Talk about a rotten egg.

Despite Eep's efforts to gnaw her arm off, she is promptly eaten by the sentient egg. Just kidding - she's just dreaming about the egg being alive. She really needs to stop taking acid if this is what her dreams are like.

When Eep wakes up, Grug advises her to just go home... only for Eep to trick him into taking his hand off the egg. Mind games: they're so easy even a caveman can do them. I'm sure everyone's going to get THAT reference, right? It's not dated at all, is it? Surely everybody reading my blog remembers that ad campaign, don't they?

Now it's down to Eep and her teacher, Squawk (Dee Bradley Baker), who like all teachers (in cartoons, I mean. Most of my teachers were nice) is a master at torture. Can Eep endure his incredibly long spiels about the history of wet dirt? Maybe if she holds the egg over her head and runs around with it, dragging Squawk along for the ride...

Wow, Squawk is much stronger than he looks...

After some WHACKY SHENANIGANS, Eep winds up the winner of the contest and brings the egg home for everyone to eat. They don't cook it, of course - they just crack it open and help themselves to the yolk. Except Sandy. She actually likes eating sticks now, and after hallucinating that Ugga is Groot's sister, she decides to eat HER. The episode ends with her lunging at the camera while Ugga screams. I know Ugga's presence in the movie, with this show being a prequel and all, makes it clear that Sandy did not actually eat her, but that's the indication I'm getting here.

Actually, maybe she DID eat Ugga and the Ugga in the movie is a different caveperson. It would explain the different hair colors...

What's the Verdict?

As far as cartoons based on DreamWorks movies go, this isn't as good as The Penguins of Madagascar or The Adventures of Puss in Boots (note to self: review that show at some point), but it's much better than Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness or that crappy Monsters vs. Aliens show they had on Nickelodeon. I think the main problem is that so much of it is focused on Eep and Thunk, who to be honest aren't super-engaging characters. Eep is your typical rebellious teenage girl, and Thunk is basically just a typical cartoon dumb guy. Regardless, this show is genuinely quite funny, the animation is pretty good, the voice actors are giving it their all, as a whole the show's pros outweigh its cons and I found it enjoyable. If you like the movie, you'll probably like Dawn of the Croods. If you haven't seen the movie, I'd recommend watching it first and THEN checking out the show.

Oh, by the way, another Croods show taking place after the second movie came out in 2021. It's called The Croods: Family Tree. It wasn't on Netflix, it was on Hulu and Peacock. Unlike this show, it was CGI. Once again, they didn't get Nicholas Cage, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener etc. back, but for some reason the only actor to reprise their role from THIS show was AJ LoCascio (Ryan Reynolds didn't reprise his role either, Guy was now voiced by Darin Brooks from Days of Our Lives). I remember watching one episode and finding it mediocre. Maybe I'll do a review of it too, maybe I won't, we'll just have to wait and see. It got eight seasons (same number of episodes, though), so clearly SOMEBODY must have liked it...

Let's Watch This: "Sahara" (2017)

We're lucky to have Netflix. Yes, it might have been indirectly responsible for stores like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video (remember that?) going belly-up. And it's spawned a bunch of wannabe streaming services that are in the process of destroying physical media and television channels. But Netflix has been a wonderful place for animation. I'm not sure when Netflix-exclusive shows and movies became a thing, but you can find a lot of great animated things on there. Netflix gave us Klaus - no way any studio would've distributed that film for a theatrical release, mainly because it's hand-drawn. Remember that Animal Crackers movie? That took FOREVER to be released in the United States until Netflix picked it up. And the film that we'll be looking at today is ANOTHER Netflix-exclusive. And this one came all the way from France.

Sahara was released in January 2017, produced by Mandarin Films and StudioCanal. What drew me to the film is that it stars snakes - one of those animals that get a bad rap in animation. There aren't a lot of animated movies where snakes are the good guys. If only the movie itself were better. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's watch Sahara.

I like how the "S" in the film's title looks like a snake. Y'know, just
in case you were thinking that the film was going to star kangaroos
or something.

The film begins with some guys and their camel in the middle of a sandstorm. Little do they know that a snake and a scorpion are there, too, stealing their fruit. Why a snake is stealing fruit, I don't know, considering that snakes don't eat fruit. Then again, snakes don't talk either so I suppose I shouldn't bother bringing realism into this movie.

So after they swipe a watermelon, they come across another, more evil-looking snake. I think I know who the film's villain is going to be!

Why are so many cartoon villains purple?

Okay, so the name of the blue snake is Ajar (voiced by Robert Naylor). The name of the scorpion is Pitt. He's voiced by Daniel Brochu, who's also the voice of Buster from Arthur. And the villain snake is named Saladin (Matthew Mackay). Saladin beats Ajar up, and then... we get a crappy rap song as Ajar and Pitt arrive at some sort of snake colony? Despite the fact that snakes don't live in groups. They're solitary creatures. I looked it up. And why is there seemingly one scorpion in a colony otherwise composed of snakes?

Unfortunately, Saladin made it back to the colony with the watermelon he stole from Ajar before he and Pitt could. He and his little gang of jerk snakes bombard them with watermelon seeds. What kind of a name is that, anyway? "Saladin". It's like somebody mashed "Salad" and "Aladdin" together. It'd be a great name for a side dish at a Disney-themed restaurant, though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the design of this scorpion... it looks like
they slapped Buzz Lightyear's face on it, which is really distracting.

Ajar and Pitt go to... Pride Rock?

Is this another one of those "clearly inspired by The Lion King" movies?

And Ajar announces that he's fed up with Saladin and his bullying ways. He's leaving the colony, which shocks Pitt. "Should I remind you what happened to those who tried? Hmm? Or maybe bring you their SKULLS? Hmm?!" the scorpion asks. "Green Snakes... US! Okay? We don't belong over there!" But Ajar is insistent. Then he spots something slithering out of the foliage below.

Not sure how I feel about the design of this snake either...

It's a green snake - a GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL green snake, so you just know she's gonna be the love interest. But then she gets snatched up by a secretary bird (Terrence Scammel). Unbeknownst to Ajar and Pitt, the bird's not going to EAT the girl snake... he's under the employment of her father, the chief of the Green Snakes, and his job is to guard their home of the Oasis and prevent anyone from sneaking out. Exposition, exposition, get it out A-S-A-P...

Okay, I do like the design of the secretary bird. I'll say that.

Chief Snake (Richard Dumont) chews out his daughter for trying to sneak out of the Oasis AGAIN despite the fact that he's told her millions of times that it's dangerous out there. After all, there are DUSTIES outside the Oasis. What's a Dusty? Well, apparently that's what the animals in the desert are called by the Green Snakes. The Green Snakes look down on the Dusties, seeing them as beggars, thieves, liars, that sort of thing. "I'm pretty sure they even eat their own poop and marry their children!" Chief Snake exclaims. "Or, maybe it's the other way around..."

Wait... was that an INCEST JOKE? In a KIDS' MOVIE? Boy, THAT'S something I didn't expect to hear...

And, huzzah. It's an animated film with a metaphor for racism. Those are always fun. I think The Sneetches already summed up why racism is stupid much better than something like, say, The Lion King 2 did. If you want to make an animated movie that teaches kids why racism is bad, why not just make a movie adaptation of THAT?

Anyhow, what you need to know is that the girl snake's name is Eva (Angela Galuppo) and she's your typical animated movie princess. They hate their life and want more. Basically Jasmine as a snake.

Chief Snake announces that they're having the Spencers over for dinner, and that they have a big south-facing stone... which is apparently very important. "I can't even imagine what they pay for it..." he says. Uh, PAY for it? Why would snakes have to pay for things? What do snakes even use for currency? Actual money? Where does a snake get money?

Then Chief Snake adds that they have a charming son named John-John, hintidy-hint-hint-hint... which makes Eva even angrier. "What do you think, that you can just sell me like it's the Middle Ages?!" she complains. Then a surfer dude snake with hair (it's a wig, preventing me from asking why there's a snake with hair), Eva's brother, shows up and starts mocking Eva, earning him a slap.

Oh, goody, the annoying comic relief character.

Meanwhile, Ajar is swimming in what looks like Shrek's bath water, which turns him green - now he can head into the Oasis and nobody will ever be able to guess that he's not really a Green Snake! Pitt continues to tell him that this isn't a good idea. I think Pitt might be the only character in this film that I like thus far. He seems to be the sane one of the bunch. Plus, he sounds very much like Buster so I can always close my eyes and imagine Buster saying his lines.

Once inside the Oasis, Ajar and Pitt are amazed by how lush and green everything is... but then the secretary birds start shouting about Dusties being about, which makes Pitt panic. But it turns out they're not after them - they're after another Dusty who's actually just Eva, covered in mud and trying to sneak out of the Oasis.

Mud and swamp muck = instant disguises, I suppose.

After some unfunny shenanigans involving an ethnic stereotype, a secretary bird corners Ajar and Eva on the edge of a cliff... which they promptly jump off. Ker-splat.

Okay, of course that's not how it ends. They land in a pool of water below. And for whatever reason it doesn't wash the mud and swamp muck off. Ajar can't swim, so Eva has to carry him down the river, the secretary bird in hot pursuit. Oh, and NOW the mud and swamp muck washes off. So Eva is all "You're a Dusty?! Are you going to hurt me?!" and then Ajar is all "No, I just wanted to live in the Oasis!" and then Eva is all "Why?! The Oasis stinks!" Then Pitt catches up with them.

They've eluded the secretary birds, though. So now Eva's free to explore the great wide somewhere, right? Wrong-o, Chongo. Suddenly, Eva is nabbed by this guy...

For whatever reason, this character is making me uncomfortable.

The shady-looking guy (Brady Moffatt) stuffs Eva in a basket and heads off with his camels. Ajar dashes off behind them, but one of the secretary birds shows up again and nabs him.

Also, one of the camels is... blue? I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be surprised seeing as there aren't a lot of purple cobras in real life, but a blue camel? Huh?

I guess the Camel from the Raggedy Ann and Andy movie needs to pay the bills, too.

The secretary birds start interrogating Discount Arbok and his little scorpion friend. "We can't let you go. We let ONE go and then everyone else thinks they've got a shot!" the lead secretary bird barks. But then the surfer dude brother snake shows up and we get a joke about pollen being a substitute for drugs. Wow, first incest jokes, and now DRUG JOKES? This movie's got it all!

The surfer dude brother snake... his name is Gary (Mark Hauser), by the way... his showing up distracts the secretary birds, allowing Ajar to get free and threaten to off Gary if they don't let him and Pitt go. He continues threatening to hurt Gary as he and Pitt climb on one of the secretary birds' backs and fly off. So, now we've got a hostage situation. This movie really DOES have it all! The other two secretary birds give chase, but they manage to get away.

Eva comes to in the middle of a snake dance class. Yeah, a snake dance class. Just go with it. The one male snake in the class, George (Andrew Shaver), goes all Pepe Le Pew on her. I guess he's what we call a "snake charmer". Bah-dum-kssssh.

Careful, George. This is how Pepe wound up a victim of Cancel Culture.

Ajar, Gary, and Pitt wind up making a crash landing in the middle of the desert after a panicking Pitt stings their secretary bird mount. We get a Batman reference, Gary acts annoying, and Pitt speaks my thoughts: "Does he ever SHUT UP?!"

As for Eva, she watches as the other snakes in the basket do some sort of performance with the creepy guy who captured her. Eventually, the creepy guy's flute-playing hypnotizes her and she winds up joining in. The result? A good ol' Disney Acid Sequence!

After that little bit of surrealism, we cut back to Ajar, Gary, and Pitt. They encounter a group of singing glowworms, whose king (Rick Jones) greets them with, "May the Light be with you!" Because... hey, Star Wars exists, right?

All jokes aside, I really like the animation in this scene. Nice lighting.

The glowworms put on a light show about the Milky Way, the stars, and the constellations. The Pole Star - also known as the North Star - which our "heroes" must follow, is the brightest star in the Ursa Minor. Alas, the cute little glowworms aren't as friendly as they appear. They invite Ajar, Gary, and Pitt to stay for dinner... and, predictably, by that they mean "stay and BE dinner". Things quickly take a turn for the creepy.

Okay, I know this is an obvious joke, but... talk about a sticky situation.

Fortunately, the three manage to escape. Now that they're past the rock maze and the scary carnivorous glowworms, all they have to do is follow the camel tracks to find Eva. We get a montage of the three crossing the desert and Eva dancing with the other snakes accompanied by a generic country song.

Then we get a Planet of the Apes reference. Because... it exists, I guess?

Darn this movie. Darn it all to Heck.

(See? I can make Planet of the Apes references too. That doesn't automatically
mean it's going to be funny)

Then we get a scene where Ajar, Pitt, and Gary come across a tourist... who pees in the desert. Toilet humor. Ha ha ha. They manage to hitch a ride in his jeep, and there's a flower in the jeep, meaning that Gary gets to have a whiff of sweet, sweet pollen... which blows their cover and gets Ajar and Gary thrown out of the car.

Ajar snaps and starts screaming at Gary for screwing things up. "Since the beginning you've been nothing but a giant pain in the tail!" he rants. And yet, for whatever reason he DOESN'T just abandon Gary in the desert. He lets him come with him as they continue the search for the camels.

Back to Eva and the dancing snakes. The teacher, Miss Rita (Sonja Ball), admits that she's been stuck in that basket for twenty years, making Eva realize that, hey, she's basically a prisoner. But another snake (Nadia Verrucci) helps her escape... or at least tries to. When Eva sticks her head out of the hole in the basket, she encounters a grouchy-looking camel.

"Make a 'Hump Day' joke and I'll squash you flat."

The camels foil Eva's attempt to escape, and the creepy guy... he has a name, but eh, I'm just gonna call him "the creepy guy"... almost sticks her and the other snake in another basket where the snakes who will end up as belts or designer shoes are put. But then he says that he has a better idea...

Just a quick note to the filmmakers - it's really hard to make a camel intimidating.
Especially when they have blue fur.

Meanwhile, Ajar and Gary come across a goofy, fast-talking skink (also Rick Jones). Conveniently, he saw the ruckus that went down with the camels and Eva trying to escape, mentions that it was heading towards a place called Souksoukville or something, and... farts a few times. Fart jokes. Ha ha ha. Alas, the skink is also a massive Troll and doesn't feel like helping them.

Jeez, this movie is long... we're only fifty-five minutes in, but it feels like I've
been watching it for much longer.

Gary ticks Ajar off again and he starts beating the crap out of him. But then they spot water and palm trees. Ajar says that they'll spend the night there to regain their strength.

That night, the creepy guy sits in a ring of fire with Eva and the other snake. They have a dance battle, and Eva wins. Meanwhile, Pitt manages to climb out of the jeep's exhaust pipe. He meets a family of scorpions who consist of the cliched bumbling dad, the cliched mom who knows best, the cliched bratty teenage daughter, and the cliched younger son who's into gross things.

As for Ajar and Gary, they're laying out under the stars. We get some backstory for Pitt... and then we immediately cut back to Pitt and the other scorpions. They offer him to come along with them, but he declines. In the morning, Gary discovers a well. "These things bring water to villages! Cities! Like Souksoukville for instance!" he points out. "We get in, take a ride, and there we are!" Ajar is reluctant because he can't swim, but with a sandstorm approaching he quickly changes his mind.

I love scenes in animated movies that feel like rides at amusement parks.
When's Disney gonna build that roller coaster based on the scene in
Monsters Inc. where they're in the door vault that we've all been clamoring for?

They wind up resurfacing in a village that looks like the Morocco pavilion at EPCOT, then Gary spots a poster featuring the creepy guy. Fortunately, the creepy guy and his snakes - including Eva - have already arrived in the village, so that's convenient. Eva, who's in a terrarium, laments that this isn't what she imagined her life would be like and sadly hugs George... unaware that Ajar has snuck in and spots her. Oh, goody, a misunderstanding. Ajar is sad and almost leaves, but Gary does something useful for once and gives him a pep talk.

Ajar manages to free Eva and the other snakes with the help of a ceiling fan, which makes the creepy guy mad. Gary tries to bite him, but alas, he's immune to snake venom. "Your venom runs through my VEINS!" he snaps. And so long as he has his flute, he can control the snakes. Fortunately, Ajar manages to grab the flute and escapes outside with it, the creepy guy in hot pursuit... only for them both to get caught in the sandstorm.

Is he crawling around on all fours?

Eventually, they climb to the top of a building, where the flute winds up breaking and the creepy guy announces that Ajar is "going to pay". Long story short, part of Ajar's skin winds up tearing off (which sounds graphic, but he's a snake so it's basically just him shedding) and the creepy guy winds up falling, we can imagine, to his doom.

Of course, we have to do the "everyone thinks the main character's gone but they're actually still alive" scene, and Ajar discovers that his new skin is covered in pretty designs. Gary calls them "high-matienence" (I'm not sure I get the joke there). But... really? The creepy guy is still alive? How the heck did he survive falling off the top of a building?

But don't worry, Pitt winds up knocking the creepy guy out.

No, seriously, how did the creepy guy survive a fall like that? Shouldn't he
at least have sustained a few injuries?

And guess who else is there? The daughter scorpion! Apparently, she's Pitt's love interest now. They all head home on the top of the jeep, and that skink shows up again. And then the movie just... stops. No scene of them arriving back at the Oasis, no scene of them convincing the chief snake to allow Dusties in the Oasis, not even the cliched Dance Party Ending that you would expect this movie to have. It just ends.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

It's mediocre at best. It's bad at worst. It's not nearly as bad as, I don't know, Zoo Wars, but it's still not something I would recommend watching. The characters are not interesting. They range from dull as dirt (Ajar, Eva) to annoying (Gary). The only one I kind of liked was Pitt. The animation is meh, but the character designs are refreshingly cartoony and they do some really interesting things with the way the snakes move. I also appreciated the use of what looked like 2D animation during the Disney Acid Sequence. The jokes? Not one landed. You've got pop culture references that fall flat, attempts at "risque" humor that fall flat, toilet humor that fall flat... all in all, it's a very blah movie. There are much better animated movies on Netflix worth your time.

To end this review on a lighter note, here's a joke: why are snakes always measured in inches? Because they don't have feet. Thank you, I'll be here all week!