Let's Watch This: An Episode (or Two) of "My Goldfish Is Evil!"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

This is another cartoon that I never saw on TV. Apparently, it only aired in the United States on a channel called MyFamily TV, and I don't know if we even HAD that channel. In its home country of Canada, it aired on CBC Television, premiering in September 2006 and receiving two seasons.

My Goldfish Is Evil! is the creation of a Mr. Nicolas J. Boisvert and produced by the Montreal-based animation studio Sardine Productions. The show focuses on an eleven-year-old boy named Beanie (voiced by Sonja Ball). He's got a problem: his pet goldfish, Admiral Bubbles (Stephane Blanchette), is an evil criminal mastermind who wants to take over the world. Every episode has the fish attempting some sort of diabolical plan, with Beanie the only one who can stop it. And whenever he tries to tell his mother, his friends, anyone else, they never believe him. And for some reason it never occurs to Beanie to just flush the stupid fish down the toilet, or feed him to a cat, or sell him to a sushi chef or something.

You can currently find episodes of My Goldfish Is Evil! on YouTube and Tubi. Is it a good show? Well, I could tell you now and save you the trouble of reading the review, but where'd be the fun in that? We're going to watch the third episode of the show, "School Trip to... Aquaworld!". This is My Goldfish Is Evil!.

Beanie's class is at an aquarium called Aquaworld. Beanie snuck Admiral Bubbles in with him so he can see how NORMAL fish act. It doesn't seem to be doing any good, and there's also the risk of the teacher finding out and getting mad because she specifically told Beanie NOT to bring his fish. Maybe it would have been easier for him to just show him some YouTube videos of fish at home.

Speaking of the teacher, she also hands out quizzes for the students to do as they're exploring the aquarium. Okay, what the heck? When I went on field trips, my teachers never made us to quizzes while we were there. When my first grade class went to see a stage adaptation of Junie B. Jones, we just watched the dang play. What kind of teacher IS this?

A clearly very unenthusiastic one, judging from the bored expression on her face.
She needs an "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now" button.

She also tells everyone to partner up, meaning that Beanie has the chance to make a move on his crush, Nia (Alyson Wener). Alas, Beanie sucks at talking to girls, so he just winds up babbling like an idiot in front of her until this other girl named Desmonda snatches him up for herself.

Desmonda is literally just Helga Pataki. She's a tough girl who bullies Beanie but totally has a crush on him. They even have the same hairstyle!

"If we make her a brunette instead of a blonde, she'll be a COMPLETELY different
character than Helga, right?"

So once everyone is paired up, the class heads off to look at fish. But the teacher tells them to put their bags in the locker room, which throws a wrench into Beanie's "show my goldfish other fish so he'll stop misbehaving" plan. So he hides his backpack under his stomach, hoping nobody will notice that he's much fatter now.

Not that Admiral Bubbles is going to make it any easier. When they get to the octopus exhibit, he proceeds to sing an obnoxious song about how great fish are to alert the teacher of his presence.

He's lik an evil version of the fish from American Dad!.

Eventually, the teacher figures out that Beanie has his backpack and searches it for the fish. All she finds is an empty jar full of water, as kids are known to carry around in their backpacks. She tells Beanie to put his bag in the locker room, but as soon as Beanie walks out of the octopus-shaped building, he leaps off the lid of the jar and into a nearby pond. After scooping him back up, Beanie decides to keep Admiral Bubbles in his lunch bag - the teacher didn't say anything about THAT.

But Admiral Bubbles isn't done making Beanie's life harder. He manages to escape the jar AGAIN using only a banana peel (which he makes Beanie slip on) and hides out in a pond full of identical goldfish. Suggestion, Beanie: just leave him in there. He's the aquarium employees' problem now, not yours.

Get a new pet! A nice gecko or something!

But nope, instead of just walking away and leaving Admiral Bubbles in the pond, he presses a button that causes the light in the pond to dim and the fish to start glowing - some goldfish actually DO glow in the dark, but they're genetically modified - except for his. He scoops up Admiral Bubbles again and then joins his class at the stadium where the orcas perform.

Fun fact: most aquariums in the United States do not have orcas. If you want to see an orca in captivity but don't want to leave the country to do it, you'll have to go to SeaWorld. So don't ask me how THIS aquarium got its hands on an orca. Of course, it's a show about an evil talking goldfish, so why bring realism into it NOW?

I would make a joke about him rehearsing for Free Willy 5, but the fourth Free Willy
movie wasn't released until after this episode aired. So I guess he's rehearsing for THAT one
instead.

And then guess what? The goldfish escaped AGAIN. Okay, seriously? Who is this fish, Harry Houdini? Beanie's friend Elwood (Bruce "Binky Barnes" Dinsmore) suggests that maybe he was eaten by the orca, which means that Beanie is free.

Alas and alack, Admiral Bubbles WASN'T eaten by the orcas. No, no, the orcas are actually AFRAID of him. For some reason. Or maybe they're just distracted by that drain in the floor of their tank.

C'mon, just EAT the fish! It's the snack that smiles back!

After escaping the orca tank, Admiral Bubbles starts throwing starfish and sea urchins at the aquarium employees. Then he beats up some moray eels. Beanie figures out that his goldfish is still running amok and enlists the help of Nia and Elwood to find him, but Admiral Bubbles has another trick up his sleeve... or at least he would if he HAD sleeves. He traps Beanie's class and teacher in a "titanic tank" and starts filling it with water.

Dear lord, he's going to drown them! He's going to murder a bunch of kids and a grumpy teacher! I know this fish is evil, but now he's just crossing the line! Suddenly, I have a craving for seafood.

"And the best part is, since I'm a fish, I can't be tried for infantcide! Mwah-ha-ha-
ha-HAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Fortunately, Beanie has figured out what's going on and is swimming through the pipes in scuba gear to foil Admiral Bubbles' scheme. UNfortunately, Admiral Bubbles has enlisted the help of pirahnas to eat Beanie. Again, this is murder. You have officially joined the ranks of Ursula and Sheldon J. Plankton on the list of most vile sea creatures. I think even the octopus from Flipper & Lopaka would be horrified by this.

Beanie manages to get away from the pirahnas and orders Admiral Bubbles to tell him how to save his classmates from drowning, threatening to feed him to the pirahnas if he doesn't. The fish tells him to push the "Emergency Purge" button. Sure enough, the water drains out and the kids are saved.

I was expecting the episode to then have an aquarium employee walk in, assume that Beanie was the one who caused all this trouble, and punish him while Admiral Bubbles gets no comeuppance, because that's usually how these sorts of cartoons go, but thankfully they don't go that route. But Beanie still gets screwed over - basically, he tells the teacher everything that happened after he rejoins the class, and she doesn't believe him and gives him an "F". But then Nia points out he did fill out all the answers on the test, so she raises his grade to a "C". The episode ends with the class leaving the aquarium as it's revealed that Admiral Bubbles managed to free all the sea creatures inside.

Now, this is usually the part of the review where I give my verdict, but when I was posting this, I realized that it was a bit too short for my liking. Maybe you didn't notice, but I did. Do you know what THAT means? It means I'm gonna have to watch ANOTHER episode of this show to pad out the review some more! So, here's the sixth episode of the show, "Sweetheart's Dance!".

The episode starts off with Beanie running through town, dressed in a white tuxedo shirt and holding a bouqet of flowers, with Admiral Bubbles chasing after him in a flying fish tank that shoots lasers. Excuse me, waiter? I'd like to order some context, please.

Admiral Bubbles uses too much eyeliner.

Beanie eventually makes it into the school, where a dance is going on. There's only one other student in there: Nia, and she reveals that she knew Beanie's goldfish is evil all along. What a twist! But wait - how does she know? She pulls off her head to reveal that she's actually Admiral Bubbles in disguise!

I've heard of catfishing, but this is ridiculous.

I don't know if we're supposed to find this funny or creepy. I'm gonna go with the latter.

Then Beanie finds himself in a giant fish bowl. Admiral Bubbles, now gigantic, brags that he's going to keep him as a pet while he takes over the world. Of course, it's promptly revealed that this was all just a horrible nightmare Beanie is having.

Okay, Beanie, word of advice: if your pet is giving you nightmares, maybe you should, I don't know, GET RID OF IT? It's not like this fish is invincible, right?

Are those MUMMIES hanging from the ceiling? Two of Admiral Bubbles' former
victims, perhaps?

Beanie is stressed out for two reasons. One, the school dance is on its way, and he still hasn't found anyone to go with him. Two, Admiral Bubbles hasn't attempted to take over the world in a week, and that makes Beanie very suspicious. ESPECIALLY when his mother mentions something about him ordering a plastogenic thermonuclear device.

As it turns out, Admiral Bubbles ordered an H-Bomb kit. So, just ANYONE can just order kits that allow you to make your own H-Bomb? That seems like a really stupid idea. You're just ASKING for the entire planet to explode if that's your business model. But the mailman is so weirded-out by Beanie's claims that his goldfish is trying to take over the world and his mother hitting on him that he declares whoever ordered it will just have to pick it up at the post office because he's not lugging it upstairs.

At school, Beanie learns that Nia hasn't been invited to the dance yet either. He'd love to ask her, but again, he's too nervous to do so and just babbles like an idiot. Plus, she could turn out to be his goldfish in disguise. After Nia walks off, Helga... oh, I mean DESMONDA shows up and gives Beanie some poison oak and shoving him into a locker before saying she'll see him at the dance.

Ah, young love.

So, what is Admiral Bubbles going to do? He can't just walk into a post office and say he's the one who ordered the H-Bomb kit. Otherwise, people will discover that there's a talking goldfish, and he'll be dissected by scientists or something. To get around that, he builds a robotic human that he will control from inside. Then he hooks the robot up to the TV, which allows him to copy the personality of various TV show characters and transfer them into the robot.

Just be careful you don't switch to the Disney Channel, Admiral Bubbles. You'll wind up
with a robotic human who sings songs by Hannah Montana.

"I'm brilliant! I'd kiss myself, but I'd only make myself jealous!" Admiral Bubbles claims, a statement that makes absolutely no sense. He and his robot head off to the post office, but on the way there, the robot bumps into Beanie's mother... who thinks that he's super-fine.

Oh dear lord. Is this going where I think this is going? Is Admiral Bubbles going to start romancing Beanie's mother? IS BEANIE'S PET FISH GOING TO BECOME HIS DAD?

"You know, I've never noticed it before, but she IS very attractive for a female of
an entirely different species..."

Ee-yup. Admiral Bubbles decides to put his "build an H-Bomb and blow up the world" plan on hold just so he can mess with Beanie's life. Why am I watching a cartoon where a young boy's pet fish is wooing his owner's mother?

And for that matter, how long does he expect to keep this up? What if Beanie's mother wants to meet his parents? What THEN, Admiral Bubbles?

Beanie starts to become suspicious, and as soon as he finds a note next to the fish bowl telling him that his fish went fishing (apparently Admiral Bubbles has no problem catching and eating his own kind?), he figures out what's going on. But of course he's not gonna be able to convince his mother that she's literally being catfished. Okay, technically she's being GOLDfished, but you know what I mean...

Admiral Bubbles starts going on dates with Beanie's mother and volunteers Beanie to clean up dog crap at the park. Then Beanie figures out that somehow he can control what the robot says with the TV remote. What does he do with this information? Nothing. But he does attempt to stop Admiral Bubbles from picking up his H-Bomb at the post office, only for Admiral Bubbles to trap him in a convenient human-sized birdcage - but Beanie still manages to get to the post office before he does and has the H-Bomb kit shipped to Canada. Ha! In your smug orange face, you stupid fish!

So what does Admiral Bubbles do next? He convinces Beanie's mother to send Beanie to a boarding school. And because Beanie's mother is an idiot, she decides to do what this guy she just met one day ago suggests. Even though the pamphlet shows a kid CHAINED TO THEIR DESK. While they're visting the school, Admiral Bubbles finds out that they have a science lab and all of the things needed to build a bomb. Fortunately, Beanie manages to take a photo of Admiral Bubbles poking out of the robot and in the process of building the bomb.

Alas, this is not the series finale, so you know Beanie's not actually going to prove
that Admiral Bubbles is evil to anyone.

Instead of immediately running out the door after taking the photo before Admiral Bubbles has the chance to do anything, Beanie stands there and declares that he's going to offer it to a tabloid magazine for a million bucks. Admiral Bubbles declares that he won't get the chance, because when the bell rings, the sound will somehow make the bomb go off and blow the building sky high. Unless, of course, Beanie can find where the chute that he puts the bomb in goes before that. Then, with Beanie distracted, he destroys the photo. Yeah, yeah, act all smug NOW, but even assuming that you make it out of the building before the explosion, chances are you - or rather, the robot - will be dubbed a mad bomber and thrown in prison. Though I suppose he could always just slip out of the robot's head after he gets locked up... jeez, is there ANY way to defeat this fish?!

Well, Beanie doesn't find the bomb, but he manages to stop the bell from ringing. He's managed to save the school, but the stupid goldfish is still romancing his mother in a robot suit. Then Beanie remembers the TV remote thing and uses it to start making the robot spout nonsense and then demand that Beanie's mother make him dinner. Admiral Bubbles can't control the robot, and it makes the mom so angry that she dumps his tailfinned rump.

Okay, Beanie, you're holding the goldfish in your hands. Normally I don't approve of
violence towards fish, but in this case I'll make an expression. Squeeze the little pest
until it pops like a balloon. Either that, or flush it down the toilet.

You're probably thinking "Hey, wasn't this episode supposed to be about a school dance?" Well, the episode ends with Beanie going to the dance and having to get his groove on with Desmonda. Still better than having his fish as his stepdad, at least...

What's the Verdict?

This show sucks. I will say if nothing else that the first episode was better than the second. The second one gave me more joke material, but it was also much creepier and had Admiral Bubbles at his most obnoxious. Both episodes were crap, though. I can't think of anything I liked about this.

The characters? Meh. I really don't like characters who act smug and despicable but never get any comeuppance for it, so of course I'm not gonna like the fish. Let me compare him to the Brain from Pinky and the Brain. The Brain works because, first of all, despite him wanting to take over the world he's not really a villain, he says several times in the show that he wants to do it because he believes he could make the world a better place. Second, he never succeeds. His plans always fail. When he does something genuinely wrong, he gets punished for it. By contrast, you have this fish who's always one step ahead, always making things harder for the kid, and is practically unstoppable. There's a difference between a "love to hate" sort of character and a vile little pest who you want to punch in the face.

Not that the other characters are any better. Beanie is dull, his friends are equally dull, his mother is unlikable (I mean, I know your kid telling you that their pet goldfish is a supervillain is a pretty out there story, but the way she keeps putting him down gets on my nerves), the teacher is a total grouch, and Desmonda is little more than a blatant knockoff of Helga Pataki. None of the jokes are funny. The animation and voice acting are fine, but that's really the only nice thing I can say about the show. It's not even fun to mock. I was expecting a show with a title as absurd as My Goldfish Is Evil! to be at least fun to mock, but nope, it's just straight-up bad.

Rating: One and a half goldfish out of five. A show that flounders.

Here's a fun fact for you: TV Tropes claims that this show is Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain done right. However, I actually found this worse than that show. I mean, Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain is a bad show, but at least it didn't have the Brain putting the moves on Elmyra's mother.