Let's Watch This: "The Scarecrow" (2000)

Y'all remember Richard Rich, right? The producer of Alpha and Omega? Director of The Trumpet of the Swan, The Swan Princess, and The Fox and the Hound? Well, today we're looking at another film that he had a hand in. A direct-to-video film called The Scarecrow.

The Scarecrow was released on August 22nd, 2000. It was based on a story called "Feathertop" by Nigel Hawthorne and its stage adaptation, The Scarecrow, by Percy MacKae. Richard Rich was the co-director, the other co-director being Brian Nissen, who'd previously worked with Richard Rich as a writer on The Swan Princess. The distributors? Warner Bros., who were apparently still desperate to cash in on the success of the Disney Renaissance. According to IMDB, this film was originally supposed to be released in theaters, but then that animated adaptation of The King and I flopped and they decided against it.

This is a pretty obscure movie. The fact that it apparently never got a DVD release certainly doesn't help. There are eighteen reviews of the film on IMDB, some good and some bad. I've never seen the movie before so I don't know what side I'll wind up on. But have obscure animated film, will review. Unless it's something that a lot of people have already reviewed, like Foodfight!. I don't think there's anything I can say about it that hasn't already been said by now. But enough yammering, let's watch The Scarecrow.

The film begins with what I assume is the first of many unfunny jokes that this film will throw at us - a witch voiced by an Edie McClurg soundalike (somebody named Christie Albers who doesn't appear to have any other acting credits... or any information about them online at all, for that matter) walks into a nondescript room, establishes herself as the film's narrator with her back turned to the screen, and then realizes that she's facing the wrong way. Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

Apologies for the crummy quality of the screencaps. I couldn't find a higher-quality
version of the movie online.

After that unfunny joke, Winsome Witch here explains to us that she was assigned to a little village called Grisham Heights.

That witch is staring into your soul, and it's creeping me out.

The witch establishes that she's a GOOD witch, not a BAD witch, and shows us her little hut where she lives with her sentient broomstick, Bristles. She is visited by an orphan girl named Polly, who saves all the pennies she finds under the scarecrow in the witch's yard so she can eventually buy her way out of that awful workhouse mill.

Lovely place, isn't it?

The workhouse mill is where you go if you're an orphan or just poor in Grisham Heights. You have to slave away all day making dance stuff (tights, tutus, shoes, what have you) for nothing and the only way out is if you pay the magistrate thirteen pieces of silver. The mill is owned by Count Grisham (voiced by Ray Porter), the most famous dancer in the colonies. Of course, that's because he had the best dance teacher in the colonies - the witch. She ran a dance studio. Apparently witches are just really, really good at dancing. Who knew?

But nobody knew that she was a witch until Grisham found her book of magic spells.

Once you read ONE Harry Potter book, you can't stop reading 'em. They're surprisingly
addictive.

The witch made a run for it, leaving town so that she wouldn't get the ol' "dunk 'em in the water" treatment that they gave witches in those days. But it gets so lonely going into hiding with only a magic broom for company, so one day she decided to bring her scarecrow to life.

And as a side effect of that spell, the little mouse who lives in the Scarecrow's pocket gains the ability of speech. And it has a Brooklyn accent, too. Quite a spell, isn't it?

"I knew I shoulda moved in with my cousin Templeton. I hear he's got a sweet deal
livin' with that pig and the spider..."

The scarecrow (Shawn A. Hoffman) is all excited about the multiple things he can do now that he's alive. He can run through the cornfield. He can throw. He can talk to that Polly girl... oh, wait. The witch tells him that he can't act all alive when there are humans around. If he does, they'll freak out over the fact that there's, y'know, a living scarecrow and from there likely figure out that there's a witch living nearby. But at least he can learn how to dance, even if his dance partner is a sentient broomstick.

Y'know, there being a sentient broomstick makes me realize that I should make some sort of reference to Fantasia, but I can't think of anything funny.

The scarecrow should really stop letting the witch set him up on blind dates.

Okay, I should probably mention the actual names of the characters right now - the witch's name is Ms. Bee Bee. Which sounds more like the name you give a cereal mascot than a witch. The mouse's name is Max (and he's voiced by Corey Feldman). And the scarecrow's name is... Scarecrow. Very creative.

Well, anyway, soon Scarecrow is the best dancer ever, and he likes to prance around in locations you might have seen before in My Little Pony cartoons.

There's way too much pink in this screencap.

Eventually, Ms. Bee Bee realizes that Scarecrow has fallen in love with Polly, and she knows that if he comes to life around her, she'll freak out and run into town screaming about witchcraft, and then Grisham will find her. So she decides to get the heck out of there, leaving Scarecrow, Bristles, and Max to fend for themselves.

As for Polly (Belinda Montgomery), six years after she first started collecting silver and burying it by the scarecrow's feet, three more orphans - Cooper (Prince Davidson), Farley (Scotty Leavenworth), and Gretchen (Chelsea Parnell) - showed up at the mill and she couldn't bear to leave them. But she whips up a quilt that she can sell, which will give them the last few pennies they need to get the heck out of that mill. However, first she'll have to get their boss, a fat grouchy guy named Cheswick (somebody named Paul Masonson), to agree to let her go down to the market to sell that quilt.

I really hope there's some Laser-Guided Karma coming this guy's way at some point
in the movie...

The mill workers all sing a strangely cheery song about how they're slaves. Yes, our first musical number is about slavery. Cheswick's got a whip and everything. My question is, why don't the mill workers all just gang up on Cheswick and beat the crap out of him? They've got him completely outnumbered, and I doubt he'd put up much of a fight what with him being a fat dumpy guy and all.

Also, there's a gag here about how Cheswick's stomach is sentient. It's just as weird as it sounds. And at the moment, his sentient stomach wants sausage, so he sends Polly out to get some. Which allows her to head down to the market and sell that quilt, ripping off Belle from Beauty and the Beast as she does so.

"I want adventure in the great, wide somewheeeeeeeeeeeeeere..."

So as she heads through town, we learn that EVERYONE who lives in Grisham Heights hates Count Grisham. Again, if that's the case then why don't you just revolt? You're an entire town, and he's just one guy! All you have to do is whack him over the head with something and somehow get him as far away from your town as possible. Surely it can't be THAT hard...

Polly manages to sell the quilt and finally get that piece of silver she and the orphans need to get out of the mill. Once she returns to the mill, one of Grisham's servants, Wooden (David Llewellyn), shows up to take her to Grisham's mansion. It's here that we get some more exposition - Count Grisham totally has the hots for Polly, but she would rather eat hot coals than marry him. But when Wooden says that he's willing to make it worth Polly's while "for the children", she decides to pay Grisham another visit.

Cut to Grisham's mansion. He's hoping to use one of the love spells he learned from Ms. Bee Bee to make Polly fall head over heels in love with him. But first, he has to test it out on his maid.

Meh, still a better love story than Bee Movie...

It's also here that we learn Count Grisham is a gigantic narcissist, because he has a million mirrors in one room allowing him to look at his reflection everywhere he turns. I think even Gaston would be rolling his eyes at this.

Seriously, who owns this many mirrors?

Grisham tells Polly that if she marries him, he'll let the orphans whose names he doesn't remember live with them in his mansion, where they'll have all the comforts of home. But then he spots the penny she received from that quilt she sold, and that makes him MAD. He knows that if she gets enough money, she'll be able to buy her way out of the mill. It sure is a good thing he's in cahoots with the crooked guy who runs the mill, so he can tell him to find the money and destroy it.

We cut to Cheswick searching Polly's room for the money, and he actually says "Show me the money!". Twice. Yes, it's a reference to Jerry Maguire. Because, hey, it exists, right? But Polly and the orphans manage to get him out of their hair by flattering him. Now all Polly has to do is sneak out to where the scarecrow is and put the penny with the others she's saved up. Unfortunately, Cheswick spots her in the act and sneaks out after her with his dog.

Meanwhile, Scarecrow - remember him? He's still in this movie - is singing an awful song. When he, Max, and Bristles see Polly approaching, Scarecrow says that tonight he's actually going to talk to her. What's the worst that could happen?

Well, actually, I've made a list of the worst that could happen. In no particular order, they are...

1) She could think that she's hallucinating the talking scarecrow and has gone insane
2) Even if she doesn't, if she goes through town telling everyone about a talking scarecrow then THEY could think that she's gone insane and have her thrown in a mental asylum
3) Even if they don't, they could come to the conclusion that the scarecrow is possessed by a demon or an evil spirit and call an exorcist
4) Or they could just set the scarecrow on fire to chase out the demon or evil spirit
5) Somebody could eventually make a really, really dull animated movie about the scarecrow starring Corey Feldman as the voice of the mouse

Max is awfully big for a mouse, isn't he?

Okay, so Polly shows up to add the coin to the other fifty-two - which, if my math is right, should be enough to get her and the three orphans out of the mill. Little does she know that Cheswick and his dog are spying on her, and as soon as she leaves, they head over and dig up the coins. Now they can destroy the coins, and Polly and the orphans will be stuck working at his mill FOREVER, heh-heh-heh...

But Scarecrow ain't having none of that, and after a brief struggle he punches Cheswick in the face. Bristles whoops the dog, and then Scarecrow actually talks to Cheswick. "You don't want this jar..." he says, "Because I am ONE. BAD. SCARECROW!" I have to admit, this scene is pretty awesome.

"Let's just say there's a reason why they make so many horror movies starring scarecrows..."

Cheswick runs off screaming, and then Scarecrow starts speaking in cringe-worthy modern slang. "Way to rap some skull, Brist!" he says. "You're bad, too, baby! Gimme some wood!"

Before you all put your minds in the gutter, I should remind you that Bristles is a broom and ergo is made of wood. Ergo, "Gimme some wood" actually means "Give me a high-five" (like how some people say "Gimme some skin").

Max points out that soon the townsfolk are going to be coming Scarecrow's way with torches now that they know there's a living scarecrow... actually, maybe they can use this to their advantage. Just have the Scarecrow go up to Grisham and do a repeat of his "I am ONE. BAD. SCARECROW!" act. Grisham will then wet his pants and run out of town never to return. Problem solved! Heck, why doesn't Max just scurry up to Grisham and tell him to leave town and never return? Surely he'd be just as freaked out by a talking mouse as he'd be a living scarecrow...

Anyhow, Scarecrow decides that since Polly's money isn't safe there, he'll just sneak into town and give it to her. But first, he's going to sing about how much he loves her but there's no way he can actually be with her because he's a scarecrow. Actually, all jokes aside, the song isn't that bad.

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawling in my burlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap..."

So, as Scarecrow, Max, and Bristles are heading into town, we cut to Cheswick telling Grisham about the scary talking scarecrow he encountered. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't believe him and has him dragged out of the room, presumably to be thrown in the local insane asylum.

How will Grisham get his hands on Polly's money now? Easy - he'll have his pet bird of I have no idea what species find it. What is it with animated movie villains having pet birds? Jafar, Maleficent, Shan-Yu, this guy... I suppose the smuggler guy from Rio could count too even though his pet bird was the film's main villain? Are birds really that evil? Did that Alfred Hitchcock film just do a lot of damage to their reputation?

Also, this is a small thing, but why is the bird brown on the VHS cover when he's
magenta in the movie?

Scarecrow has Bristles deliver the money outside Polly's window, but he forgets the whole "tap on the window to let her know that the money's there" part of the plan upon seeing another broom. Dang it, Bristles, you had ONE JOB!

So Scarecrow just throws a rock at the window. It works, Polly opens the window... for a second, and then closes it without seeing the money. Wah wah wah wah wah. And just to add insult to injury, then the magenta-plumed bird shows up and snatches up the money. And just to add even MORE insult to insult to injury, Cheswick shows up with his dog to do some scarecrow-chasing. After getting away, Scarecrow says that they have to get Polly's money back. Max's response? "Two words, Scarecrow - TI-TANIC!"

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. When exactly does this movie take place? I don't think it's ever straight-up stated, but according to Wikipedia, the original story took place in the seventeenth century. The Titanic sank in 1912. How the heck does a mouse in the seventeenth century know about something that occurred in the 1910s? What, is he a time-traveling mouse?

Then Max spots Cheswick coming their way with a torch. Scarecrow suggests that maybe if he were to disguise himself as a totally normal human being, he could get a job in town. "Who am I, Max Factor?!" Max snarks. I had to look this one up - apparently, Max Factor is a cosmetics company that was founded in 1909. Again, how the heck does a mouse in the seventeenth century know about something that wouldn't exist for years after the events of this movie?

Scarecrow wishes that he were human. Fortunately, a Deus Ex Machina shows up in the form of a magic flying feather.

That doubles as a projector, apparently.

The magic screen that the feather conjures up contains the blurry image of Ms. Bee Bee, who explains that the feather appeared because he made a powerful wish. He just has to put the feather in his hat, which will give him the appearance of being human. He won't really be human, of course, it'll just be an illusion, but eh, it's good enough. So he does that and turns into this guy:

Why does the human version of Scarecrow not look anything like him? They couldn't have at least given him the same hair color?

Well, anyway, Cheswick barges in and finds NOT the talking scarecrow but this guy who claims to be named Master Feathertop. Cheswick and the dog figure out that this guy is the scarecrow and that he can become human, as magic talking scarecrows are known to do. But predictably, Grisham's guards don't believe his claims, so they drag Cheswick off to the mental asylum.

So now all Scarecrow has to do is walk up to Polly and introduce himself. But there are two problems with this... one, he has to keep his hat on. The second he takes it off, he turns back into a scarecrow. Two, his reflection in the mirror is that of his scarecrow self, not his human self.

I wonder if Grisham's having a million mirrors in one room will be a problem for Scarecrow
at some point in this movie...

Scarecrow tells Bristles to keep Cheswick away (which likely shouldn't be too hard if I'm correct about his being thrown in the loony bin) and Max to make sure the feather stays in his hat. And then they're off to get the money back - but what's this? The hologram returns, allowing Ms. Bee Bee to say that real life will only be Scarecrow's when he's willing to give his life for another.

And now, back to Grisham! He's got the money and he's ecstatic that now Polly won't be able to stop him from getting what he wants. Meanwhile, Cheswick is forcing Polly and the orphans to scrub the floors... wait a minute, you mean he STILL wasn't thrown in the mental asylum?!

Jut then, Polly and the orphans hear music coming from outside. Going to the window, they see Scarecrow... uh, I mean, Master Feathertop dancing around and drawing a crowd. His plan to get the money back? Dress Max in drag and have him dance for the townsfolk. Again, there's an easier solution to your problem, Scarecrow...

STEP 1) Locate Grisham's mansion

STEP 2) Go inside and find Grisham

STEP 3) Take off your hat, revealing yourself to be a living scarecrow

STEP 4) Do a repeat of your "I am ONE. BAD. SCARECROW!" act for him

STEP 5) Watch as he runs out of the mansion terrified out of his wits

STEP 6) Return the money to Polly

STEP 7) Scare off Cheswick while you're at it

I mean, it's not exactly rocket science.

Can't you at least stick some dynamite in Cheswick's pants or something?

Come to think of it, did they even HAVE dynamite in the seventeenth century?

Wooden (who the heck names their kid that?) shows up with an announcement: Grisham is having a dance contest and the prize for first place is fifty-two pieces of silver, hintidy-hint-hint-hint. There's only one rule: couples only. Each person must have a partner. So Scarecrow/Master Feathertop asks Polly to be his partner. Only problem is, Polly can't dance. But Scarecrow can teach her how.

I can't think of a funny caption to make about this screencap, so instead, here's a scarecrow
joke: what does a scarecrow drink with?



His straw. Get it?

Max steals the feather so Scarecrow can't get into any more shenanigans. Gee, I sure hope Cheswick isn't around to see the sentient scarecrow running around... oh, look. He is. And he's figured out that the feather allows the scarecrow to disguise himself as a human. Fortunately, Bristles makes sure that Cheswick and his dog are the victims of WHACKY SHENANIGANS.

That evening, Scarecrow/Feathertop teaches Polly how to dance, allowing them to perform the mandatory Animated Movie Made to Cash In On the Success of the Disney Renaissance Romantic Duet That Tries Desperately to Be "A Whole New World" or "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" But Fails: y'know, the film's equivalent to "Far Longer Than Forever" from The Swan Princess or that one song from Quest For Camelot.

The romantic mood is eventually spoiled by Grisham showing up to ask Polly to the dance. Also, he now has dark gray hair when in earlier scenes, it was brown. Polly tells him that she's going with Feathertop, so he angrily goes, "Well, that's GREAT! You kids are gonna have the time of your LIFE! We're gonna have MUSIC! And... PUNCH! And lots of CRACKERS with those little cheesy SWIRLS ON 'EM! ALL RIGHT! OHHHHHHHHH-KAY THEN! We'll SEE YOU THERE!" I love the way Ray Porter is delivering his lines here.

"And by the way, 'Feathertop' is a STUPID NAME!"

Grisham sends his guards after Scarecrow/Feathertop, and as he's trying to get away his feather is stolen by... oy, it's Cheswick again. I've really had enough of this guy. Fortunately, Bristles manages to get rid of Annoying Comic Relief Villain and his dog. Again. This part of the movie is extremely formulaic. Cheswick tries to expose Scarecrow, Bristles subjects him and his dog to WHACKY SHENANIGANS, lather, rinse, repeat.

Scarecrow escapes into the mill, but eventually winds up in Grisham's clutches. "I SUGGEST... you leave TOWN... FEATHERDUSTER!" Grisham snaps. "Unless, of course, you'd rather DIE!" And then...

...we cut to the dance contest. Wait, what did Grisham do with Scarecrow? We're not gonna follow up on that?

I like this gag with Grisham giving out mugs with his face on them.

Everybody dances to a FUN-KAY song that sounds really out of place in a film taking place in the seventeenth century. When Feathertop doesn't show up, Polly decides to dance with Grisham because he promised her all fifty-two pieces of silver if they win, allowing Grisham to try out that magic dance that makes whoever he's dancing with fall in love with him on her. But then Feathertop finally DOES show up! What took him so long?

Feathertop and Polly do a bunch of dances that I'm pretty sure weren't invented until after the seventeenth century, then Wooden rewards them with the fifty-two pieces of silver. Then they decide to get married! Even though they've only known each other for, what, two days?

Feathertop is whisked back to the mansion by Grisham's goons, where Grisham chews him out for humiliating "the greatest dancer in the Milky Way". "YOU! With all your SILLY LITTLE TWITCHY, GOOFY, JIVY, HIP-HOP TRASH!" he rants. "You should've left town per my suggestion, FeatherCHUMP!" And his anger only increases when he finds out that Feathertop and Polly are getting MARRIED. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! TAKE A LOOK! LOOK AT ME!" he shouts, pulling a rope that lifts up all the curtains covering the thousands of mirrors surrounding the room. Uh oh, is this the part where he figures out that Feathertop = sentient scarecrow?

"Boy, this is the worst Hall of Mirrors ever."

Yep. It's the part where he figures out that Feathertop = sentient scarecrow all right. And he goes into hysterics upon finding that out. AND he figures out that Ms. Bee Bee had something to do with it as Feathertop/Scarecrow runs out of the mansion. So he commands his bird to get the feather, which he does.

Pictured: the most entertaining character in the movie.

I love how Grisham isn't at all freaked out by the fact that there's a sentient scarecrow running around. Must be because he already knows that there's a witch.

The next day, while Polly is waiting in the chapel for the wedding to begin, Scarecrow is being tied to a stake by Grisham, who uses the feather to disguise himself as Feathertop. He brags that he's going to marry her, and then send her and the orphans straight back to the workhouse mill. And just to make sure Scarecrow won't escape and stop his evil plan, he starts a fire around the field.

"How about a little fire, Scarecrow?!"

Fortunately, Bristles and Max spot the smoke and fly in to save his life. He sends them to deal with Grisham... and doesn't go with them for whatever reason? Maybe he's too heavy for the broom to carry? Then again, if he's stuffed with straw how heavy could he be? Well, anyhow, Max flies off on Bristles to I guess snatch the feather, but that pesky bird shows up to make things harder for them. It takes about a minute, but they're finally to take the bird out with the help of Mr. Bell.

PWNED! People still say that, right?

Max snatches the feather just as Grisham is walking into the chapel, and as a result he doesn't look like Feathertop anymore. But he's still all "Marry me!" and Polly is all "NO WAY!" and then Grisham tells the magistrate to marry them anyway but he refuses. Meanwhile, Max rushes the feather back to Scarecrow, who I guess managed to escape the flames, and tells him that Polly is free. "You're a scarecrow. And you'll always BE a scarecrow," the mouse insists. "You have to let her go."

So Scarecrow walks off all sad, and meanwhile, back at the mansion, Grisham is having a temper tantrum. "I'm gonna do a BAD, BAD THING!" he roars. By that point, even Wooden decides to make a run for it. He heads straight for the mill, where he tells Polly and the orphans that Grisham has gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and that they're in terrible danger if they stay in town. Fortunately, Bristles overheard Grisham's plotting and fills Scarecrow/Feathertop in as to what's going on.

And what is Grisham's plan? Well, the bridge is the only way out of town, so of course if Polly wants to leave town she'll have to cross it. Thus, he has his goons take apart the bridge... while he's still standing on it. I think by this point he's just too crazy to realize that might not be such a great idea. I mean, at one point he actually does a little dance on the bridge and shouts "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!". He's clearly insane by this point.

Maybe The King and I would've been more successful if the bad guy had been as much fun
as this one.

Scarecrow/Feathertop shows up and tries to keep the bridge from suffering the same fate as that one in London, but Grisham isn't having that and they get into a brawl. Eventually, Grisham winds up falling to his doom, and thanks to Feathertop, Polly and the kids make it across the bridge. But it seems as though Scarecrow/Feathertop didn't survive the bridge's destruction.

Oh, of COURSE he's alive. He, Max and Bristles manage to climb out of the canyon where Polly and the kids are waiting. And he's trying to tell her that he's actually not human, but then Polly points out that he forgot his feather. Y'know, the feather that allows him to look human? Now, tell me, what does Scarecrow/Feathertop look like in this screencap - a scarecrow or a human?

Just look at the goofy expression on his face. Hello, new potential meme.

When Scarecrow takes off his hat, he's still human. So now he's free to marry Polly without that whole "actually being a scarecrow" thing get in the way. Remember what Ms. Bee Bee said earlier about how real life will only be Scarecrow's when he's willing to give his life for another?

A magic wave spreads through the town of Grisham Heights, turning it into... Swingtown. Kind of a dumb name.

Swing music was invented in the 1920s. Doesn't this movie take place in... ah, the heck with it.

Everybody dances awkwardly to swing music, Ms. Bee Bee brings another broom to life so Bristles can have a girlfriend, and Cheswick (ugh) makes one more attempt to snatch that feather... which Feathertop doesn't need anymore, thus making him look like even more of a crazy person. Hopefully he's finally gonna be thrown in that insane asylum.

What's the Verdict?

This is a mixed bag of a film. It started off pretty dull, but after Scarecrow gets his hands on that magic feather things get more interesting. There are some decent songs, the animation is decent, and the voice actors all do a fine job. Grisham is fun to watch, too. He's not a particularly interesting villain, but they actually give him some funny lines and he delivers them in such an over-the-top way that it's hard not to laugh at least once when he's onscreen. He's like the animated version of the villain from Warriors of Virtue.

I wouldn't say this is one of the best animated films ever, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's BAD. I'm sure kids would like it fine. I wouldn't expect anything Disney-quality, though.

And since scarecrows are kind of Halloween-related, I'm qualifying this as a Halloween review. My next review will be of something that actually takes place on (or at least around) Halloween, I promise.

Further reading:
- The Media Baron's review of the film

Let's Watch This - "Alpha and Omega" (2010)

FIRST A QUICK DISCLAIMER

The following review was actually written before the Nostalgia Critic uploaded HIS review of Alpha and Omega. You see, I like to write my blog posts in advance before posting them. I feel it's less stressful to do it that way. In addition, I have not watched the Nostalgia Critic's review of Alpha and Omega and I plan to never do so because the Nostalgia Critic's reviews haven't been funny since, like, 2014. Thus, any similarities between my review and the Nostalgia Critic's review (aside from the whole "they're both reviews of Alpha and Omega" thing) are entirely coincidental. Of course, I highly doubt that anyone will care about how similar my review of the movie is to the Nostalgia Critic's since the Nostalgia Critic and his portrayed/creator, Doug Walker, is nothing more than a punchline nowadays, I just don't want anyone to think I've gotten lazy and have decided to just lazily swipe ideas from the Nostalgia Critic to make my "post something on my blog every other week" quota. And for those of you that read this whole thing and didn't just skip to the actual review... well, I appreciate that. Thank you. Okay, now onto the review...

Some animated movies are beloved by all. For example, have you ever seen anybody say that they don't like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Or the first Toy Story? Has anybody criticized Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse? And on the flip side, there are also some animated movies that seem to be hated by all. Nobody's ever said "You know what animated movie I really love? Mars Needs Moms!"* However, there are a lot of animated movies that are divisive - there are people who love 'em and people who hate 'em. For example, there's a little film from 2010 called Alpha and Omega.

The movie's got a big fanbase. I think it's mainly because of the "animated wolves" thing. Balto has a pretty big fanbase too, I'm pretty sure. But the film has a rather large hatedom, too. But did the critics like it? Well, no... on Rotten Tomatoes, the film's got a sixteen-percent rating. And here are some quotes from a couple of the reviews of the film that the site included:

"Alpha and Omega, an unambitious 3-D animation about a couple of young wolves in love, isn't so much howlingly bad as it is howlingly boring."

- Michael O'Sullivan, the Washington Post

"There's nothing here that Disney hasn't done much better decades ago, and the script is a lame mixture of slapstick and sentiment."

- Christopher Tookey, dailymail.co.uk

"A poorly written and disappointingly animated adventure that may keep the wee'uns happy for a while but will leave the adults snoozing."

- Empire Magazine

But enough about how the film is considered either a great animated movie or a boring and unfunny piece of crap, how exactly did Alpha and Omega become a thing? Well, the film was produced by Richard Rich.

No, no, not Richie Rich! I said RichARD Rich! RichARD! With an ARD!

There we go - Richard Rich. If you're a HUGE fan of animation like I am, that name should sound familiar. He also directed The Trumpet of the Swan, The Swan Princess (do you think he likes swans?), that animated adaptation of The King and I from 1999, The Fox and the Hound, and The Black Cauldron. However, he only PRODUCED Alpha and Omega - the film was actually directed by Anthony Bell (whose other claim to fame is directing episodes of Klasky-Csupo cartoons like Rugrats and The Wild Thornberrys) and Ben Gluck (also the director of Brother Bear 2). Ben Gluck also co-wrote the film with Chris Denk (whose other writing credits include Happily N'Ever After 2 and a Finding Nemo knockoff called The Reef) and Open Season producer Steve Moore. The film was released in the September of 2010 and made $50.5 million on a $20 million budget. And now I'm going to do a review of it. Let's get started, shall we?

Our story begins in Jasper National Park. We get some landscape shots of the park and its mountains, trees, waterfalls, etc. before cutting to some teenage wolves about to ride a piece of tree bark down a hill. Two other teenage wolves, Kate (voiced by Hayden Panettiere) and her sister Lilly (Christina Ricci), are chasing each other around.

Calvin and Hobbes this ain't.

Eventually, one of the wolves, Humphrey (voiced by Justin Long), winds up colliding with Kate, leading to... uh, a romantic moment. That fast? Huh. Usually in these types of animated movies it takes until the end of the second act for the main characters to realize that they love each other.

Try to keep it PG, guys.

Kate tells Humphrey that she's "practice hunting for [their] lunch". Humphrey's response is, "Oh, great, 'cause I'm about to lose mine! I'll try to swallow it!" They wind up falling to the ground, and then Kate's father (voiced by Danny Glover) shows up and tells Kate that it's "time to go". As it turns out, Kate is going to "Alpha School", which goes until spring. Wolves go to school, apparently. Humphrey isn't too fond of not seeing Kate until "a winter away", but according to Kate's dad, "Alpha School" is necessary for her to become a "trained Alpha, the future leader of the pack".

Nice hairdo you've got there, Danny Glover Wolf.

Winter goes by, and then we see Humphrey and his idiot friends riding the bark again. One of them, Salty (Brian Donovan), winds up eating bugs (eugh). After they all wind up crashing into a rock, Humphrey notices that it's finally spring. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the flowers are a-blooming, and Kate is back. "Forget about it, Humphrey," Salty tells him. "Kate's an Alpha now. And you're an Omega."

"I'm so stoned right now..."

Humphrey's idiot friend who's shtick is that he's really fat, Mooch (Eric Price), adds that they're "Just friends. End of story." Perhaps Humphrey has a better shot with Reba and Janice, a pair of vegetarian wolves...

Yeeeeeeeeeeesh...

Humphrey and his idiot friends then spot some "eastern pack wolves" prowling towards the same caribou that Kate and her fellow Alphas are prowling towards. And since they're hunting caribou, that means I can make this joke:

The wolves in their pack hate the eastern pack wolves because... uh, I don't know, but maybe they'll explain it. Anyhow, the eastern pack wolves wind up scaring the caribou, and soon Kate winds up caught in a stampede. I guess one of the wolves made the same mistake that Kenai did and tried to milk one.

Only six minutes in and I'm already reminded of The Lion King.
Why do so many of the movies that I review remind me of The Lion King?

Kate manages to save two of the other wolves, and then the eastern pack wolves and Kate's fellow Alphas start going at it. Humphrey and his idiot friends break up the fight by throwing Mooch on top of them. "Don't get your fur in a bunch!" Humphrey says, giving us Cringe-Worthy Line #1. "You wolves are making us look bad." Why, the caribou are laughing at them!

"You should've seen the looks on your faces when we started the stampede. You looked
like such idiots!"

After having a good laugh at the wolves' expense, the caribou proceed to shake their butts at the wolves. Humphrey gives us Cringe-Worthy Line #2 - "Now that's a moon that I don't wanna howl to." Are you laughing yet? What's that? You're not? Well, there's a reason for that - this is not funny. And yet, the other wolves start laughing. Rule of thumb: if the other characters in an movie find another character's jokes funny, make it so that the character's jokes are actually, you know, FUNNY.

Danny Glover Wolf... I'm sorry, his name is Winston, shows up and tells the western pack wolves (that's Kate and Humphrey's pack) to get back to the den, then tells the eastern pack wolves to go home, then tells the Omegas that they did a good job. I think I like this guy, though most of that probably stems from the fact that he's voiced by Danny Glover. Why doesn't that guy get more credit? He's awesome.

Kate complains that she blew her first hunt, but Humphrey tells her that she did great. If anyone's hungry, they can always eat, um, berries. Very nutritious. This does not make Kate feel better.

Later, after a joke involving three wolves, uh, fist-bumping, Kate and Winston return home to Kate's mother, Eve (Vicki Lewis), and the aforementioned Lilly. Since the hunt was a bust, all they have to eat are the bones of some previous meal. After another wolf comes back after being ambushed by an eastern pack wolf, a wolf who looks like he wants to join KISS says that something must be done about those rassa-frassin' eastern pack wolves.

Seriously, look at him. He looks like a member of KISS.

Winston tells the KISS member wannabe to put their Alphas on alert, but as it turns out the KISS member wannabe already took care of that. Meanwhile, Humphrey and his idiot friends are getting into WACKY SHENANIGANS with the other wolves that were hoping to munch on caribou.

Eventually, Winston has a meet-up with the leader of the eastern wolf pack, Tony (voiced by Dennis Hopper). The reason why the eastern wolves showed up earlier, apparently, is because there are no more caribou left in the east. In order to keep this fight for food between the two packs from going any further, the two packs will have to be united - Kate will have to marry Tony's son Garth. "Garth knows his responsibility," Tony says. "Does Kate?" "Don't worry," Winston replies, "She knows." Well, except that Kate is watching them right now, and judging by her shocked reactions I'd say that no, she didn't know that. Winston apparently never thought to tell her. D'oh. "Good," Tony says before prowling off. "Then she can meet Garth tonight at the moonlit howl. I won't let my pack starve, Winston. If we have to, we'll fight for the valley."

This intense scene is followed by... what else? The HILARIOUS antics of Humphrey and his idiot friends!

Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck! Aren't they just so gosh-darn WHACKY?!

So I guess the moonlight howl is some sort of... thing where the wolves all get together and the male wolves can meet female girls and they can dance awkwardly and sing an awful techno song that consists entirely of "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hooooooooooo-hoooooooooooo-oooooooooooh-hooooooooooooo-hooooooo-hoooooooooo..." Yeah, this is a pretty cringe-worthy scene. I'll let Zoidberg sum up my opinion of it:

Humphrey's idiot friends fail miserably at wooing some stereotypical valley girl wolves, then Humphrey sees Kate coming over flipping her hair in slow-motion. I guess that's their way of trying to make the people in the audience just as attracted to Kate as Humphrey is. Which is disturbing, seeing as she's a WOLF. A non-anthropomorphic wolf. Not a super-realistic non-anthropomorphic wolf, mind you, but still a non-anthropomorphic wolf. Warner Bros. attempting to make people have the hots for Lola Bunny was disturbing, yes, but at least Lola is anthropomorphic. Kate isn't.

God, I just defended the Space Jam version of Lola Bunny. I feel dirty.

Humphrey's idiot friends remind Humphrey that he can't howl with Kate because she's an Alpha and he's an Omega. So apparently howling in this movie is a metaphor for getting it on. And now I feel even dirtier.

Thanks to more of Humphrey's idiot friends' WACKY SHENANIGANS, Humphrey winds up flying into a tree. Meanwhile, Kate and Lilly see Garth for the first time, and we get this accompanied by triumphant music:

I think the shooting star in the background is what makes it.

Kate and Lilly are now attracted to Garth, and Humphrey decides to ruin the moment by jumping down in between Kate and Garth and being an annoying tool. "You're a big one, aren't ya?" he tells Garth. "Heh, you're practically a moose! Ha, where you hidin' them antlers?" Garth (Chris Carmack) just asks, "Who's the coyote?" Kate's response is, "No one important." Ouch.

I would love to see a hunter or something come by and see this going on.
Their reaction would probably be pretty funny.

Kate and Garth do some awkward flirting, and then it turns out that Garth isn't so perfect after all - he sucks at howling. To be fair, though, so do all of these other wolves. Kate's reaction is to say that she, uh, needs to go, uh, get some, uh, water and she'll be right back. Then she leaves.

Cut to Humphrey sitting by the pond, bummed that Kate called him "no one important". He comes across Kate and starts teasing her about how Garth isn't so much a STUD as much as he is a DUD. Just like this movie thus far. We get some more unfunny banter between these two idiots, and then Kate gets hit with a tranquilizer dart, which causes her to go all woozy. And then Humphrey gets it by a tranquilizer dart and goes all woozy too. Madagascar did this joke better. As did Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted.

Oh, look, he's drooling. Because drooling is automatically funny. Oh, wait, no
it isn't. It's just disgusting. Eugh...

One of the hunters who tranquilized Humphrey and Kate tells the other two to pack 'em up, 'cuz they're going to Idaho. They load the wolves into their pickup truck, drive out of Jasper National Park, get in their biplane, and by the time the wolves come to they're in crates in the back of another pickup truck driving through Idaho. We get a joke where it's implied that Humphrey drank his own pee (classy, fellas), and eventually the wolves are set free. They make a run for it, and soon come across a duck and a goose playing golf as three porcupines watch them. Okay, let's see where they're going with this...

Insert comparison to Boris from Balto here.

So, the goose's name is Marcel (Larry Miller), and he's French-Canadian. The duck's name is Paddy (also Eric Price), and he's British. Paddy and the porcupines are frightened by the wolves, but Marcel doesn't seem to be - "I like wolves!" he says... right before whacking Humphrey with his golf club and making a run for it. Humphrey takes off after him, resulting in MORE WACKY SHENANIGANS!

Oh, the hilarity!

The WACKY SHENANIGANS (including a gag where it's implied that Humphrey went into a moose's rear end... yeah, that's definitely what the movie needed) culminate in Humphrey and Marcel landing in the mud. Kate asks Marcel where they are, and Marcel fills them in - Idaho. "IdaHOO?" Humphrey says, making for Cringe-Worthy Line #3. Specifically, they're in the Sawtooth National Wilderness. "What are we doing in Idaho?!" Kate demands. Paddy then says, "You were, um, relocated to, um, hmmm-hmmm-hmmm... repopulate." "Zhey want you big wolves to make a lot of... little wolves!" Marcel adds with a chuckle. So, in other words, this is kind of like Rio. Except it's with wolves instead of macaws. And also not quite as good.

Horny Humphrey likes the idea of getting it on with Kate. Kate, not so much. "So... you two are, an iteeeeeeeeeem?" Marcel asks mischievously. "You wolves... you are funny!" Okay, Marcel and Paddy are definitely my favorite characters thus far. They're actually fun to watch, which is more than I can say for the wolves.

"We have to get home NOW. There's going to be trouble if I don't get back to Jasper," Kate tells Humphrey. Fortunately, Marcel and Paddy have actually BEEN to Jasper National Park many times. "Dated a pintail from Jasper Park," Paddy admits. "She never stopped quacking. Drove me NUTS." "Drove her right to MEEEEEEEEEE..." Marcel adds. "Bound to happen, bound to happen." Marcel agrees to help Humphrey and Kate because "I like you two, you make me laugh. Plus, you didn't eat me so I owe you a favor."

Meanwhile, back in Jasper, the western wolf pack and the eastern wolf pack are at it. I guess Winston thinks the eastern wolf pack did something to Kate... as does Eve, and she says that if any of them hurt Kate then she will rip out their eyes and shove them down their throat so that they can see her tear their carcass open. Lilly then offers to show Garth around until Kate gets back. "Sounds good to me!" says Garth, if for no other reason than because Eve scares him (which makes two of us). Tony tells Winston that she'll give Kate "till the full moon" - if she's not back by then, I guess, the packs will go at it for control of the valley or something like that.

Back to Humphrey and Kate. Marcel manages to open up the back door on an RV headed to Jasper, which the wolves can use to ride home. Humphrey doesn't like the idea of being "boxed-up twice in one day". Marcel and Paddy point out that the couple that own the RV are a motorcycle gang member and a librarian respectively - "Opposites attract, if you will." One unfunny scene later, the wolves manage to jump into the RV, which promptly flies off, Marcel and Paddy flying after it.

Kate falls asleep and has a brief dream sequence of the two packs fighting. When she wakes up, we get Humphrey wearing biker duds and dancing like an idiot. Hate Humphrey yet?

I sure do.

We cut back to Garth and Lilly. Lilly is showing Garth "Rabbit Poop Mountain", so called that because it's where rabbits like to poop. Poop: it's automatically funny. Just like drool. Lilly entertains Garth with some impressions, then Garth tells her that he wants to show her something that an Alpha can do. The other wolves, meanwhile, are searching for Kate.

Meanwhile, the RV is approaching a roadside stop.

Oh, I get it. It means both "Eat food and fill up your car's tank with gas here" and
"if you eat the food here you'll get gas". I'll admit that's kind of funny...

Kate, somehow, has wound up dressed like THIS...

What exactly have Kate and Humphrey been up to while in that RV?!

Actually, you know what? Don't tell me. I don't want to know...

Humphrey winds up having to climb out of the RV so that he can take a leak. Alas, he winds up getting distracted by food, and then one of the gas station's employees spots him and freaks out. And then another employee shows up. And he has a gun and an Indian accent. And a mustache, can't forget the mustache. And, oh no! The RV is driving off! Kate quickly jumps out of the RV and saves Humphrey, then they make a run for it. They get away, but they can't catch up with the RV. And now it's starting to rain. Curse you, Humphrey's bladder!

Humphrey then starts doing a "rain dance" in an attempt to make it stop raining. Just when I think that this character can't get more annoying...

"I'M OBNOXIOUS! I'M OBNOXIOUS! I'M OBNOXIOUS, CAN'T YOU TELL?!"

We then get a scene where Humphrey saves Kate from falling into a ravine. How pathetic is it when you need this idiot to bail you out of a tight spot? I thought Kate was supposed to be a tough, no-nonsense action girl and she really needs a moron like Humphrey to save her?

Back to Kate's pack. The KISS member wolf tells Winston that they haven't found Kate. Winston just says, "We MUST defend our territory!"

Once morning arrives, Marcel and Paddy manage to catch up with Humphrey and Kate. "I give you a first-class ticket home and you blow it?" Marcel demands. And apparently there's no other way to get the two wolves back to Jasper. "What am I, a travel agent?!" Marcel asks.

"To heck with zhis! I am going to open a noodle shop in zhe Valley of Peace!"

Fortunately, after Humphrey kisses Marcel's feathery goose rump Marcel and Paddy bring up that there IS a train that can take them home - the Canadian Express. "It shoots right by Jasper Park," Paddy says. The train boards on the other side of a nearby mountain.

Cut back to Jasper. Garth is showing off his hunting skills for Lilly. He tries to teach her his hunting style, but she's not much of a hunter. Yeah, as you might have guessed, there's another romance in this movie besides Humphrey and Kate's. Speaking of which, back to those two...

After a brief snowball fight, Humphrey comes across a giggling bear cub.

Little Bear, is that you?

And as we all know, where there's a bear cub, there's usually a mother bear. And heck hath no fury like a mother bear who thinks you're trying to harm her cub, as Humphrey finds out the hard way.

Eugh, more drool...

Quick question, is the bear planning on eating Humphrey? Do bears eat wolves? I looked it up, and apparently they CAN, but at the same time some wolves apparently eat bears. Could somebody who knows more about a bear's diet please fill me in?

Eventually, two more bears show up and the three of them corner Humphrey and Kate. Fortunately, Humphrey has a secret weapon - unfunny jokes! This predictably fails, so then Kate tries to fight the bears, but she winds up getting her tail handed to her too. Long story short, the two wolves and one of the bears wind up falling off the cliff and sliding down the hill.

I wonder if the black bear in this scene was inspired by the one from The Fox and the Hound. I mean, Richard Rich worked on both movies, so I guess it's a possibility.

Baloo, before his morning coffee.

Thankfully, Humphrey uses a piece of tree bark as a sled and he and Kate manage to slide to safety and even wind up flying into one of the train cars. Hooray! "You know, we make a pretty good team," Humphrey tells Kate. "We're on to something here. Stick with me, pup, we'll go places."

Meanwhile, Lilly is helping Garth with his howling. At the same time, Humphrey and Kate notice that the moon is full. Humphrey starts howling... and by howling, I mean going, "Oooooooooooooooooh-hoooooooooooooo-hooooooooooo-oooooooooooh... oh-oooooooooooooooh-hooooooooooooooooooo!" That's not howling, that's just vocalizing. Well, anyway, Humphrey's "howling", Garth and Lilly are "howling", then Kate starts "howling" too. Everyone's "howling". Goody goody.

It's kind of like "I See the Light" from Tangled, except not nearly as good.

However, Tony is not amused to be seeing Garth howling with - GASP! - AN OMEGA. "We're going to take the valley," he tells Garth. "And our CARIBOU." Lilly, meanwhile, tells Winston that the eastern wolves are on their way. I smell a battle coming on!

Then Marcel and Paddy show up again. They manage to catch up with Humphrey, and I will admit, I did chuckle at Paddy replying to Humphrey's asking them if they were crazy with, "Well, that's up for debate." Marcel informs Humphrey that Jasper Park is a few miles up.

Okay, now back to the wolf packs. "It's the full moon, Winston..." Tony points out. "I didn't want it to come to this..." Winston's response is, "Yet here we are..." Then the intense scene is interrupted by Reba and Janice running in and shouting, "STOP THE INSANITY! GO ORGANIC!" while squirrels on their backs pelt fruit at the wolves. Don't ask me what that was all about, I've got nothing.

The train arrives in Jasper, which means it's time for the inevitable scene where Humphrey and Kate want to tell each other that they want to get it on but they're just too awkward and can't spit it out, nyuck nyuck nyuck. But then Kate notices that the wolf packs are at it and they jump out of the train to stop it.

"All I ask is for you to follow our customs!" Tony snaps at Winston. "And unite the packs! But NO! Your daughter had to up and run away!" "I DIDN'T run away!" Kate announces as she and Humphrey show up. Kate explains that some hunters nabbed her and Humphrey and took them to Idaho. "We were supposed to... repopulate," Humphrey says. Eve's reaction to this is to tackle Humphrey and start strangling him. Okay, credit where credit is due, that's kind of funny. Fortunately, Kate calms her mother down by telling her that A) they didn't, you know, do it and B) Humphrey helped her get home. But Kate still has to marry Garth in order to unite the packs, so she and Humphrey can't be together. Darn.

Oh, yeah, and remember Humphrey's three idiot friends? They're still in this movie.

Humphrey is bummed that the wolf he loves is marrying someone else. Fortunately, Marcel and Paddy show up again before Humphrey shows up to tell Kate that he's decided to leave Jasper and become a wandering nomad. This is his way of expressing his unableness to admit his true feelings for Kate. And by the way, Garth likes Lilly so he's not too thrilled about having to marry Kate either.

The wedding starts off, but Kate can't go through with it and admits that she fell in love with an Omega. Garth is cool with that and admits that he, too, is in love with an Omega. Tony is outraged - Alphas hooking up with Omegas is against pack laws! "This is MADNESS!" he snaps.

I know, I know, it's an obvious joke, but I just couldn't resist.

Why do all of the wolves have 1990s teen heartthrob hair? Somebody get them a comb.

So then the packs start going at it. Then we cut to a herd of caribou, presumably the same one from before. Hopefully they don't moon the wolves again.

Actually, does it even count as mooning if they don't wear pants?

The caribou break up the fight by having themselves another stampede. The wolves all run for it, but Winston and Tony wind up caught in the middle of it. Humphrey shows up and now he and Kate must save the day with - what else? A makeshift sled made of tree bark.

So, why are the caribou stampeding again? Just for the heck of it? Is it the Annual
Caribou Marathon or something like that?

They wind up falling off the sled, but it makes a good shelter for Humphrey, Winston and Tony. Kate, meanwhile, gets injured and Humphrey leaps out to protect her.

Why is everything suddenly so yellow? Did somebody urinate on the film?

The caribou run off, and of course we have to do the scene where everyone thinks that Kate kicked the bucket. Eventually the wolves all start howling... and for once they're actually howling, not just going "Ooooooooooooooooooh-hoooooooooooooo-hoooooooooooooooo..."

Of course, Kate is alive. She and Humphrey whisper sweet nothings to each other. Seeing this, Winston chuckles and says, "Maybe this can work." So Humphrey hooks up with Kate, Lily hooks up with Garth, the wolves all start howling again, and Marcel and Paddy introduce Winston and Tony to golf. The movie ends with the wolves all howling at the moon again... well, vocalizing, actually, not howling. Even Marcel and Paddy are getting into the act. The end.

Are some of those wolves purple, or is it just the lighting?

What's the Verdict?

Alpha and Omega is definitely not the best animated movie that I have ever seen, but I wouldn't call it the worst either. The animation was alright, I liked Marcel and Paddy, some of the jokes were kind of funny, and most of the voice actors did a fine job. But it does have its problems. And I think most of them come down to our two leads. Kate is bland, Humphrey is annoying, and despite their best efforts Justin Long and Hayden Panettiere aren't bringing much to the roles. When the film gets cringe-worthy, it gets really cringe-worthy. The "howling" scenes in particular are so incredibly lame. I don't think I would recommend it, but I could at least STOMACH it.

And in case anyone is wondering, no, I'm not going to review the sequels. How the heck did this movie spawn SEVEN sequels? I mean, SEVEN? Really? Was there a demand for seven Alpha and Omega sequels?

* Well, actually, I'm sure there's SOMEBODY on this planet that liked Mars Needs Moms, but I haven't found them yet...