Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Archie Show"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

You probably expected this to be another Halloween-related review, didn't you? Well, I'm not in a particularly Halloween-y mood this week for several reasons, so instead you're getting this. Hey, it's MY blog.

I've never read any of the Archie comic books. I'm not a very big comic book reader in general. So I probably wouldn't be able to tell you how accurate any of the TV shows are to the comic. I also probably wouldn't be the most qualified to review any of the TV shows either, but, well, here we are.

The Archie Show is the creation of the good folks at Filmation. Premiering on CBS in September 1968, the show received one season of seventeen episodes. A year before the show's premiere, Filmation's agent Irv Wilson approached John Goldwater about licensing his comics, including Archie. After they worked something out (and filled in Filmation founder Lou Schiemer, who didn't even know what Archie was), they presented the idea to the daytime programming executive at CBS, Fred Silverman. They loved it, mostly because so many other cartoons at the time were being protested by parent-run organizations who thought they were too violent for kids or whatever. They couldn't possibly find anything to complain about in Archie, could they?

All of the characters from the comic were featured in The Archie Show... well, at least the main characters, like I said I've never read the comic books so I don't know for sure. You had Archie (voiced by Dallas McKennon), of course, the redhead leader of the gang. Blonde Betty (Jane Webb) and black-haired Veronica (also Jane Webb) were both head over heels in love with Archie. Jughead (Howard Morris) liked to eat. Hot Dog (Dallas McKennon) was Jughead's pet sheepdog. And Reggie (John Erwin) was a massive tool who you wondered why the others hung out with. The show's episodes usually consisted of two eight-minute stories, a "Dance of the Week" segment, a musical number, and a quick segment starring Jughead. Eventually, the show gained a segment starring Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was renamed The Archie Comedy Hour. Then it was renamed again to Archie's Funhouse before being taken off the air entirely.

Is The Archie Show any good? Let's find out, shall we? We're going to watch the sixth episode of the show. Come on, let's go, with The Archie Show!

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Phantom Investigators"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

If this show looks familiar to you, it's probably not because you've actually watched it before, but because it was made by Stephen Holman and Josephine T. Huang at (W)Holesome Products Inc., the same folks who created the "Life With Loopy" segments for Nickelodeon's KaBlam!. I can't be the only one who recalls finding those segments a little creepy, can I?

Well, creepy or not, you have to give Stephen and Josephine credit for the unique way they brought these shows to life: stop-motion animation, with cardboard heads, and even some live actors. Phantom Investigators focused on four thirteen-year-olds who lived in San Francisco: the telekinetic Jerico (voiced by Alecsander Kocev), the telepathic Kira (Amber Ross), the shapeshifting Casey (Andrew Decker), and the only one who DOESN'T have some supernatural power, Daemona Prune (Courtney Vineys). When they're not attending Lugosi Junior High School, they act as the Phantom Investigators, solving supernatural mysteries that occur all over town.

Thirteen episodes of the show were produced. Why only thirteen? Stephen Holman explained why in a podcast: the show was doing very well in its timeslot, but Kids' WB, the channel that it aired on, noticed that more girls were watching it than boys. They did not like this, thinking it was a threat to their status as the number one network for young boys, so they gave it the axe after six episodes (the remaining seven only aired overseas). Then Sony cut the show's funding, torpedoing the chance of it being picked up by another network.

The four lead characters.

And here's another fun fact for you: some of the animators who worked on this show went on to animate for other productions like Coraline, Elf, The BoxTrolls, Robot Chicken, Jojo's Circus, and Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio.

If you want to watch the show for yourself, good luck. Apparently, episodes of the show were featured at SOME point on Sony's kid-oriented channel Indoor Recess, but now they're listed as unavaliable. Somebody did upload all thirteen episodes in a compilation video on YouTube, for those of you who want to binge the show in one day. There aren't any episodes on the Internet Archive, the show never had a home media release, and I doubt it's on any streaming services. You can also find two episodes via (W)Holesome Products Inc.'s Vimeo channel. We're going to watch the sixth episode of the show, "Omega Pizza Pi" (which, incidentally, was apparently written by the same person who wrote The Hunger Games - try to wrap your head around THAT one). This is Phantom Investigators.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Monster Farm"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Well, the Halloween season is upon us. That means it's time to wait out in pumpkin patches for the Great Pumpkin to show up, carve jack-o-lanterns, dress in spooky costumes... or, if you're like me, sit on your butt and watch obscure cartoon shows about monsters. Like this one, which I've been wanting to get to for some time but was unable to find a full episode of until now...

For all of you out there who wondered what you'd get if you put Back at the Barnyard and Groovie Goolies in a blender, Monster Farm is more or less the answer. Created by Taylor Grant at Saban Entertainment, the show premiered on August 15th, 1998 on the Fox Family Channel. They aired it as part of an afternoon kids' block called "The Basement", where host Billy Villegas showed videos of himself working on a farm and interacted with THIS terrifying thing:

Who's in more agony? That thing, or anyone who lays eyes on it?

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if every kid watching TV while "The Basement" was on saw that and changed the channel, because Monster Farm only got one season of twenty-six episodes, only half of which aired in the United States. Of course, it didn't help that even though the show was supposed to be a "each episode is two segments in one" cartoon, the Fox Family Channel only aired one segment at a time for some reason. Also, the show never got a home media release outside of a very rare promo VHS tape, so most of the episodes are very hard to find.

Monster Farm's theme song sets up the premise: a city slicker named Jack Haylee (voiced by Robbie Rist) inherits a farm from his great-uncle Harloff. When he arrives, he finds out that the animals who live on the farm are hybrids of iconic monsters and livestock: vampire rooster Count Cluckula (Bruce Mahler, better known for playing Doug Frackler in the Police Academy movies), a mad scientist sheep named Dr. Woolly (also Bruce Mahler) who turns into the Mr. Hyde-esque Mr. Ewe when he gets wet, a Frankenstein's Monster-lookalike pig named Frankenswine (Rodger Bumpass), a fire-breathing kaiju with horns named Goatasaurus Rex (also Rodger Bumpass), his pet chihuaua who turns into a werewolf when the moon is full named Scarewolf, an Egyptian mummy cow named Cowapatra (Kevin Killebrew), and a zombie bovine named Zombeef (Tifaine Christun). Hilarity ensues.

Does Monster Farm deserve to languish in obscurity? Well, let's watch an episode and find out. Actually, we're going to watch two segments from two separate episodes because the episode of the show I was able to find on YouTube is like that: the eleventh episode's "A Pair of Jacks" and the thirteenth episode's "Short Circuit Swine". This here is Monster Farm, y'all!

"A Pair of Jacks" starts off with Jack explaining to the monster animals how they're going to harvest corn and shuck it. Count Cluckula gets bent out of shape over this: "Work, work, work, that's all we do!" he snaps in his thick Transylvanian accent. "Vhat a slave driver, a complete nincompoop! 'Gee, dudes, seems like a cool time to plant crops! Gee, dudes, like, it's time to harvest some, like, CORN!' I HATE THAT GUY!"

Weird question: do you think Count Cluckula sucks the blood from ALL creatures, or just his fellow chickens? Or is he a vegetarian like Count Duckula? (Note to self: review Count Duckula at some point)

"I don't say 'bleh, bleh, bleh'!"

Zombeef brings in the corn that they've already harvested, and Count Cluckula points out that the corn is teeny-tiny and thus unlikely to be bought by anyone. He says that if HE ran the farm, things would be completely different. There's just one thing standing in his way...

Who on Earth makes that face when their photo is taken? No wonder Cluckula hates
this guy...

So is Cluckula - a vampire - going to suck Jack's blood? Well, no. Instead, he gets an idea after Dr. Woolly is trapped in an elevator and needs to be freed. He tricks Jack into stepping inside the elevator, trapping him inside. Then he hypnotizes Dr. Woolly and tells him to create a serum that will transform him into Jack's double. If he can hynotize people, why doesn't he just hypnotize Jack and say, "I command you to leave the farm and never return!" or "I command you to walk off a cliff!"? Maybe he can only hypnotize animals, I dunno...

I love the bored expression on his face as he's doing this. His heart clearly isn't into it.

Dr. Woolly whips up the serum in about a minute, and when Cluckula drinks it, he transforms into a clone of Jack. The other animals will never suspect a thing! Well, so long as they don't notice that "Jack" now sounds nothing like Jack and exactly like Cluckula.

Spoiler alert: they don't.

And isn't Cluckula at all worried that the other animals will notice that he mysteriously vanished and wonder where he is? I mean, I doubt they'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he took a potion to turn himself into a Jack clone, but it'd be pretty hard not to notice that a vampire rooster just disappeared.

The phony Jack tells the monster animals that they're going to turn the farm into an interstate truckers' joint. And he's going to call it "Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop". Okay, Cluckula, are you REALLY expecting the monsters not to become suspicious? Even if "Jack" DID want to turn the farm into a truckers' joint, why would he name it after Cluckula and have his image on the sign? Somehow, I doubt Jack plays favorites.

And why does Cluckula even WANT to run a truckers' joint in the first place?

I expected the other monster animals to go along with this without any suspicion, but Cowapatra actually asks "Jack" why he wants to name the truckers' joint after Cluckula. "Uh, well, the count is on his way to Washington to accept the congressional medal of honor, and, I, uh, thought this would be an appropriate tribute," Cluckula claims. Frankenswine, Goatasaurus Rex, Cowapatra, and Zombeef buy this... dang it, guys, you gave me hope that this WOULDN'T be another cliched "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity and despite how obvious it is that they're an imposter everybody falls for it" story... and soon Count Cluckula's Soy Jerky Pitstop is open for business!

Yeah, business is great NOW, but just wait until the Chickenman shows up to sabotage
your business, Cluckula.

Whenever somebody walks through the front door, Count Jackula hypnotizes them into thinking that they love soy jerky, which torpedoes the "he can only hypnotize animals" suggestion I made earlier. He's also enslaved the other animals, having Zombeef and Cowapatra be waiters and forcing the others to make his stupid soy jerky on an assembly line. He doesn't even give them bathroom breaks!

Dr. Woolly laments that money, the root of all evil, has turned "Jack" into a vile slave-driver. Eventually they get fed up with this and confront the fake Jack in his office. Jackula spews out some crap about how he does this for the good of those hardworking truckers. They live such a hard life. They have to drive through NEW JERSEY.

...okay, this is coming from someone who was born and spent the first nineteen years of his life in New Jersey, so I'm perfectly aware that I might be biased, but why exactly does everyone make fun of New Jersey? What is it about New Jersey that is so awful? It's got nice beaches, good food, it's even the birthplace of Thomas Edison and the U.S. Navy Submarine Fleet. We gave you the lightbulb, you should at least give us a little respect for THAT!

I mean, sheesh, you don't see ME making jokes about how much California supposedly
sucks.

The monster animals don't fall for Jackula's cock and bull story (see what I did there?) and promptly beat the crap out of him and tie him up. I believe this is called "karma".

After that, the genuine article Jack - who managed to escape from the elevator using only a paddleball - walks in. "Gee, Jack flew across the room so fast it looks like he's still in the chair!" Zombeef says. I'd slap my forehead at her stupidity, but to be fair, zombies aren't exactly known for being intelligent. Must be why they're always eating peoples' brains. Less justifiable is Jack believing that he isn't the real Jack when Jackula claims that HE is the real Jack and wondering who he is. Then Jackula manages to escape from the ropes binding him and convinces the monster animals to attack Jack. Really? They STILL haven't picked up on the fact that "Jackula" sounds and acts nothing like the actual Jack?

See, THIS is why I hate the "CHARACTER A steals CHARACTER B's identity" cliche.
It always turns the other characters into total morons.

Fortunately, then the potion wears off and the fake Jack turns back into Count Cluckula. As punishment for stealing Jack's identity, enslaving the animals, turning the farm into a truck stop and polluting the air with his filthy lies, they force Cluckula to pull a corn harvester across the fields. They also grind up the leftover soy jerky to make fertilizer, which does wonders for the crops. Cluckula claims that this was his plan all along and that they should be getting on his knees and thanking him, more karma is thrown his way - or rather, a ton of tomatoes. Hey, it could be worse, Cluckula. You're a chicken. They could be plucking your feathers and roasting you to eat for dinner.

This is so satisfying to watch.

Next segment!

I'm sure you're wondering: how exactly can we make this show about mummy cows and chicken vampires even stranger? Hmmm, how about we reveal that bolts of lightning are sentient and enjoy playing card games?

I love that this blog allows me to type bizarre sentences like that.

What use do lightning bolts have for money? Where do they even GET money?

After getting clobbered by his amigos as "Old Maid", one of the lightning bolts gets so frustrated he feels like zapping something. So THIS is why people are struck by bolts of lightning - the bolt just needs to blow off a little steam. Case in point, the lightning bolt zaps Frankenswine, and he immediately feels better. "Sometimes, you've just gotta reach out and touch someone," he says, a reference to Bell System's slogan. Y'know, from back when ads on TV were allowed to be for things other than insurance and pharmecuticals with a million side effects.

As Frankenswine stumbles around in a daze, Cowapatra emerges from the barn to complain about her watch running slow. It angers her so much that she stomps on it a few times, but when Frankenswine reaches down to grab it, electricity shoots out of his hand and it's instantly fixed!

I've noticed that Frankenswine doesn't look particularly pig-like.

Impressed, Cowapatra drags Frankenswine back to her stall and has him take a look at her other malfunctioning appliances. He manages to fix each one just by touching it, and soon there's a long line of other folks - including Jack, Cluckula, Goatasaurus Rex, Dr. Woolly, and Zombeef - holding appliances for him to fix for them. Boy, word sure travels fast at this farm...

We then cut to the abode of the show's main antagonist, greedy land owner Pa (Daniel Woren). His electric shaver is on the fritz, but his robot butler has the solution. "I've heard through the fiberoptic grapevine of a strange pig-like being with great powers. He can fix broken machinery simply by touching it," he explains. Upon hearing that, Pa has the robot butler call up his son, Jimmy Earl (Jess Harnell), and tell him to kidnap this strange pig-like being. As one does.

Kaiju goats, sentient bolts of lightning, and now a robot butler? This show is even weirder
than Ned's Newt...

Jimmy Earl manages to sneak over to the farm in the middle of the night and pig-nap Frankenswine. Then Pa shows Frankenswine the central processing brain that controls every machine on his farm. It's a literal giant brain with cords attached to it that has the ability to move on its own. I have so many questions.

Giant floating brains are always a little creepy, aren't they?

...actually, was that giant pink thing from "The Basement" I showed you earlier supposed
to be a brain? If so, case in point...

They force Frankenswine to touch the brain, and it surges with power, which will somehow allow them to take over Jack's farm. I assume they explained why they want to take over Jack's farm in a previous episode. And how are they going to take over Jack's farm? By making all of its machinery go haywire! And then sending cow-shaped drones and mechanical pigs on treads to attack the farm!

I still have so many questions, but I'm guessing they will go unanswered.

By taking out Frankenswine's brain, Dr. Woolly finds out how he got those weird appliance-fixing powers in the first place: a bolt of lighting. "And according to my calculations, if he's hit by lightning AGAIN, it might reverse the polarity, causing his touch to DRAIN power instead of INCREASING it. Perhaps I should use my special knowledge to artificially induce electrical weather activity," he suggests. How does he accomplish this? By calling up the bolt of lightning that zapped Frankenswine before and mocking him.

"AND THEN ALONG CAME ZEUS!"

It does the trick. The bolt of lightning zaps the part of Frankenswine's brain that controls the appliance-fixing powers, and after he puts it back the porcine monster can now DRAIN power from machines as opposed to INCREASING IT. So he goes around touching all the machinery and appliances that are wreaking havoc on the farm. He even manages to power down the big brain that's controlling the machinery. The day is saved!

Oh, and Cluckula wants the magic power to control appliances for himself, so he channels Benjamin Franklin and tries to get struck by lightning himself. "HIS brain? Heh! Even I can't hit a target THAT small," the bolt of lightning tells us. A bit annoying that it took them until the end of the episode to give us its funniest joke. Ah well...

Cluckula, you're a vampire. You can hypnotize people and turn into a bat. Don't you
have enough powers already?

What's the Verdict?

I wouldn't say Monster Farm is anything spectacular, but it's fun for what it is. The animation is pretty good, the voice actors are giving it their all, and the characters are a bit flat but likable enough (even Cluckula is a good example of how to do a "vile jerk" character right. He's like Roy Rooster from US Acres in Count Chocula's clothing). Downsides: most of the jokes aren't very funny and the stuff that's weird for weirdness' sake is hit or miss. Seriously, what was up with that giant brain that controls machinery? How does that work?

Monster Farm had the potential to be a cult classic. Alas, the weird way the Fox Family Channel aired the show and the lack of a home video release have basically reduced it to an afterthought. Hopefully, somebody who watched cartoons in the 1990s taped an episode or two and will upload it to YouTube, Dailymotion, the Internet Archive, what have you at some point.

Rating: Three and a half mad scientist sheep out of five. A mixed bag of a monster mash.

Here's a fun fact for you: the show's writers included Alex "Lois Griffin" Borstein, Steve Marmel of The Fairly OddParents and Danny Phantom fame, and Martin Olson - who you might know better as THIS guy:

Yes, Mr. Makeout Reef wrote for this show! That's pretty cool!