Showing posts with label "Back to the Drawing Board". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Back to the Drawing Board". Show all posts

Wednesday, February 18, 2026

Back to the Drawing Board: "Gigantic"

You might recall that in my previous edition of Back to the Drawing Board about the scrapped Disney film My Peoples, I mentioned that I would do posts about other scrapped Disney films called Gigantic and King of the Elves another time. Well, you'll still have to wait a while for King of the Elves - I'm not one hundred percent sure how much information about it there is online - but I'm going to talk about Gigantic today. Huzzah!

In the 2010s, Disney figured out the secret to making financially-successful, critically-acclaimed animated movies. Tangled was a huge success, so all they had to do was make films very, very similar to Tangled and keep repeating the formula over and over again: have a female main character, preferably a princess, who's optimistic, quirky, and at least a bit awkward. Maybe they're sheltered, maybe they've been stuck in one place all their lives and desperately want to go somewhere else. Eventually, she meets a snarky, morally-ambigous male and makes some sort of deal with him. They go on their little adventure, butting heads all the way, but eventually warm up to each other and fall in love, or at least become best buddies. Rapunzel was the optimistic quirky female and Flynn was the snarky morally-ambigious male. In Frozen, Anna was the optimistic quirky female and Kristoff was the snarky morally-ambigious male. In Zootopia, Judy was the optimistic quirky female and Nick was the snarky morally-ambigious male. In Moana, Moana was the optimistic quirky female (although less blatant in this case than Anna and Judy were) and Maui was the snarky morally-ambigious male. And it worked - the money was pouring in, the critics were applauding, nobody cared that they were basically just recycling the same character types over and over again. It wasn't until they ditched the snarky moral-ambigious male and just had the optimistic quirky female (Mirabel in Encanto and more recently Asha in Wish) that people figured out the formula and became bored of it. But that wasn't until the 2020s. In the 2010s, Disney was once again the king of the theatrical animation game.

The year was 2015. Disney was still milking the heck out of Frozen, and they had also recently released Big Hero 6, which was also pretty successful (but wound up getting ignored by Disney for a while because it was released after Frozen and followed by the also much more popular Zootopia). PIXAR had also released Inside Out, which was a huge hit and briefly got people to start liking PIXAR again. And it was this year, at the 2015 D23 Expo, that John Lasseter announced Gigantic.

Actually, Gigantic was kinda sorta revealed to the world in July 2013, before Frozen was released. One of Tangled's directors, Nathan Greno, said, "Trust me, we are hard at work on the new film! I wish I could say more - I'm REALLY excited to tell everyone what it is! If you enjoyed Tangled, I believe you'll love the new project." Then on July 10th, a blog by the name of Blue Sky Disney revealed that Nathan Greno's film would be called "Giants" and be released near the end of 2016. Considering how successful Tangled was and how obsessed Disney was with repeating its success, it makes sense that they'd want to get a new film from the same director out there ASAP (the other co-director of Tangled, Bryon Howard, was working on Zootopia at the time for those unaware).

Before this, however, I'd like to bring something up. At some point in the 2000s (before 2009, I'm pretty sure), I found a list online of Disney films that were in production - both theatrical and direct-to-video. I have no idea what site I found it on, or if it was even accurate, but among the multiple sequels that I know were indeed in production beofre John Lasseter ordered them to stop with the sequels (The Jungle Book 3, Chicken Little 2, Meet the Robinsons 2: First Date), I distinctively remember seeing a film called You Don't Know Jack and the Beanstalk being listed. I couldn't find anything about a Disney film called this online right now. Judging from the title, I'm guessing it was going to be another one of those "fractured fairy tale" type of movies greenlit to cash in on the success of Shrek. Y'know, sorta like Disney's Rapunzel Unbraided movie that eventually evolved into Tangled... but we'll talk about that one some other time.

The film's logo, after they decided to call it Gigantic instead, was going to look
like this.

In August, bleedingcool.com posted some information about "Giants" - this post has since been removed, but posts on various discussion forums have repeated the information, preventing all of this neat behind the scenes stuff from being lost and this post you're reading right now from being very short. Among the things they said...

- "Animated films have very long development times, and sometimes they go a long way into that process before going no further. Perhaps the most famous example of this would be PIXAR's Newt, and it happened with Disney, most recently, with King of the Elves. It's possible that a similar fate might befall Giants. The film hasn't been official announced, and it could disappear from the schedule even after it is. But for now, work on the film continues, and I understand that director Nathan Greno has had a couple of table reads and is getting the basic shape of the film into good order. I think this one's going to go all the way." Oh, the irony.

- "The look of this film - at least for now - is very much in the Tangled and Frozen vein, and the plan is to realize the film with the same sort of CG processes and styling - though I'm sure it will be pushed even further to allow for better textures, more expressive animation, advances in the tech all around. That's what happens at Disney, film by film."

- "A few years from now, we'll be some distance away from Bryan Singer's Jack the Giant Slayer, a film with which Giants shares more than a few specifics. For one thing, they both have a hero named Jack, and Giants named for the Fee Fi Fo Fum rhymes. In this story, these names are abbreviations of Feebus, Fifen, Fogel and Fobert, a family of giants at the heart of the tale. There's another brother too, Faustus, their leader. Like all good villains, he's got a relatable point of view, he's just not quite joining the dots correctly."

- "Also like Singer's film, we see the introduction of a love interest from a class above Jack. In this case, Angelica isn't royalty, but just from a merchant family, though her parents do see him as being 'below' her."

- "The real money is manifest in Marco, born to nobility and the third corner of a love triangle between Jack and Angelina. He's a good guy, though, and the only reason he and Jack can't be fast friends from the off is that they're both drawn to Angelina. And, yes, he's called Marco because, like Polo, he wants to travel - and to open up trade routes."

- "The fourth human lead is Inma, a scrappy tomboy type - and something of a class warrior, I understand. She's the one I'm rooting for in this story, the tireless fighter against injustice, taken less seriously because she happens to be a pre-teen girl. Of course, there is that story about David and Goliath..."

- "But, okay, it's not the humans that get the title billing here. It's the giants. The Storm Giants. Huge, thunderous figures. In this story, the Storm Giants have made a pact with the humans. If the humans work for them and give them a percentage of their harvest and livestock, hey'll return the favour by keeping danger and threats at bay. At first, it must have been appealing to have a Giant agree to fight your corner, but the people are't getting enough for themselves now. Faustus' name is seeming a touch ironic."

- "And this is where we find ourselves at the beginning. As you might expect, there's then a journey up to where the Giants live and some terrible conflict between the humans and the Storm Giants. There's a lot of sneaking about and gruesome recipes and all that good stuff you're used to from fairy tales about ogres and their ilk. But what you may not expect is how Jack ends up befriending one of the Storm Giants - and this is what sews the beans, if you will, for the adventure."

Now, I'm sure you're wondering "How do you know the guy who posted this to bleedingcool.com didn't just make it all up?". Well, Blue Sky Disney posted again and confirmed that most of what they claimed is true - and that apparently, Nathan Greno pitched the idea to John Lasseter around the same time he was working on Zootopia, which he was going to co-direct with Byron Howard again. However, a comment from somebody simply called "Anonymous" on the post said that they knew Nathan and Byron personally and that what they said was false.

Visual development by Michael Giaimo.

Rumors started flying around in 2014 that Robert and Kristin Anderson-Lopez would be writing songs for the film and that Daisy Ridley was brought in to audition for a character. There were also claims that the film was going to be pushed back to 2018, with others insisting that it was still going to be released in 2016. In August 2015, Bobby Pontillas was revealed to be working on the film as a character designer. Then came the D23 Expo, when - as mentioned earlier - the film was finally announced, now called Gigantic as opposed to "Giants", and it was confirmed that the Lopezes were writing the songs.

The film was described as being set in Spain during the Age of Exploration. Inma was now a sixty-foot-tall eleven-year-old girl with a "super-sized personality" and the secondary protagonist. Apparently, she was based on an actual kid the filmmakers met in Spain. She had a song in which she plays with Jack as though he were a doll, with lyrics like "You can toss him in the air / you can comb his tiny hair" and "You can make him do this, you can make him do that, and he even makes a pretty good bookmark!".

The film's presentation at the D23 Expo.

Apparently, Angelina and Marco had both been removed, or maybe Angelina had been turned into Jack's pregnant wife? From what I've read on the DVDizzy forums, Inma's father was the evil king of the Storm Giants and the film's Maximus equivalent - the hoofed animal that doesn't talk but acts like a dog - was to be a cow. There was also going to be at least one goose - Nathan Greno and Paul Briggs both posted (on Instagram and Tumblr respectively) about studying real geese for the film. Most versions of Jack in the Beanstalk have a goose that lays golden eggs, so presumably this goose character was going to fill the same role.

Now, I suppose there's an elephant in the room that I should address: Disney already did an adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk back in the 1940s. That was the "Mickey and the Beanstalk" segment of Fun and Fancy Free (it was originally going to be a full movie, but then the war started up and, combined with some other reasons, led to it winding up as a segment of a "package film"). Despite the film's general lack of popularity, it did spawn one thing that's kept it more or less out of obscurity online - the character of Willie the Giant, who's since popped up in other Mickey Mouse productions like Mickey's Christmas Carol and House of Mouse. Would that have made things complicated for Gigantic? Probably not. Disney also made two adaptations of Chicken Little after all.

It seems that even the folks working on Gigantic knew about "Mickey and the Beanstalk". I have a copy of the book They Drew as They Pleased: The Hidden Art of Disney's New Golden Age, which features four pieces of concept art for Gigantic. One of them features a giant who looks very much like Willie. I doubt it's just a coincidence.

This fella, right here.

In 2016, it was announced that Inside Out writer Meg LeFauve was going to be the film's co-director. As far as the voice cast goes, we know that Ava Della Pietra, then only ten and a half years old, auditioned for Inma. No idea who was considered to voice Jack.

The film wound up getting delayed AGAIN in 2017, this time to November 2020. Nothing about Gigantic was talked about at the 2017 D23 Expo, not a particularly good sign. However, animator Malcon Pierce did say on Instagram that he was working on the film. That was in October. A few days later, it was announced that Gigantic had been shelved.

Concept art by Dan Cooper.

Ed Catmull explained that it was just one of those projects where, even though they loved the idea and a lot of heart went into it, it just wasn't working (and yet nobody said that at any point during production of Wreck-It Ralph 2. Go figure). Instead, they'd be focusing their energies on another project in the works, also set for release in November 2020. Disney didn't release any animated films, be it in theaters or for streaming, in November 2020, so I have no idea what that project was (maybe it became Encanto or Raya and the Last Dragon or something?). As for Nathan Greno, he wound up leaving Disney in 2018 - he's now working at Skydance Animation.

Animator Andrew Chesworth stated in 2019 that, when he was working at Disney, he got to see some early screenings of Gigantic. "I loved this version," he said. "Fantastic mix of modern Tangled and 1940s Sleepy Hollow-era Disney influencing the artistic conversations."

What went wrong with Gigantic? A few folks on the aforementioned DVDizzy forums suggested that an adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk should be a "huge and epic adventure" a la Aladdin - sneaking around the castle, facing off against giants, climbing a beanstalk. Disney was basically turning the story into, as somebody put it, "Tangled meets Wreck-It Ralph"... basically just recycling the "optimistic quirky female and exasperated morally-ambigious male team up" formula, except in this case instead of another pretty princess the female was a little girl. They were playing it safe once again.

Even Inma's character model, as seen here, just looks like they
gave Rapunzel a haircut.

And I think that's more or less why Disney's output as a whole is in a rut. They're still playing it safe by attempting to recapture previous successes. Every time a live action remake is super-successful, they greenlight five more, and they generally suck. Frozen was successful, make four sequels to it. Even with PIXAR, they're basically sabotaging their original films like Elemental and Elio (though the internet's turning on PIXAR after 2010 is definitely not helping with that) and demanding they make more sequels. Did we need a Toy Story 5? I know, I know. Disney is a business, it's all about making money, but they became such a huge deal because they used to give people things we didn't know we wanted, not just what we knew we already liked.

So is that it for Gigantic? Maybe not. Remember how I said that Nathan Greno is now working at Skydance Animation? Well, in 2023, it was announced that Skydance was working on an adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk, to be directed by... Rich Moore, not Nathan Greno. Did Nathan, Rich, and John Lasseter take the ideas for Gigantic with them when they left Disney?

Oh, one more fun fact for you guys - Robert Lopez revealed in a podcast that one of the songs he and his wife wrote for Gigantic was reused for an episode of WandaVision. Another song was reused for a Netflix show called We the People. I've never seen either of those shows, but somehow I doubt the songs still had lyrics about using somebody as a bookmark.

Tuesday, October 21, 2025

Back to the Drawing Board: The Early Drafts of "Hotel Transylvania 2"

When I did a review of Hotel Transylvania: The Series, I'd only seen the first Hotel Transylvania movie. Now that I've seen the second and third ones - I know there's a fourth one, but I have no interest in watching it - and of the three, I personally believe that Hotel Transylvania 2 is the best of the bunch. I know that's kind of a hot take (although it does have a slightly higher Rotten Tomatoes rating than the first), but let me explain WHY.

It seems to have the most heart of the three, Dennis is adorable, the new characters as a whole are fun, the jokes are funny, and Dracula's friends get more to do - also, I like Keegan-Michael Key as Murray the mummy more than Cee-Lo Green. It IS the one that wastes Molly Shannon the most (she only gets, what, one line?), but that's just a minor thing.

Did you know that you can actually find early drafts of Hotel Transylvania 2's script online? That's right! You can! THREE of them, in fact. Two of them are pretty close to the finished film, but one of them features some noticeable differences. So, in this edition of Back to the Drawing Board, we're going to look at this early draft - written in September 2013 - and see just how Hotel Transylvania 2 shaped up to be the film we got. Here is the script:

https://wikileaks.org/sony/docs/03_03/Mktrsch/Market%20Research/Scripts/HT2_2nd_draft%20%283%29.pdf

The script starts off NOT with a wedding but rather with a parody of Oprah's show. I don't know if Oprah was still relevant in 2013, but she seems like one of those celebrities who's never NOT been relevant (the script also describes the Oprah parody as "a Latifian host". Make of that what you will). She's interviewing Frankenstein's Monster, who complains to his creator, Dr. Frankenstein, that he couldn't even be bothered to give him a name - "Why is MY first name YOUR last name?!"

It seems that, since the monsters now know that humans aren't EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL, they've come out of hiding and have really made a name for themselves. Frank wrote a book called "Pieces of Me", Murray is a judge on some fashion design show, Griffin the invisible man has a workout video, and Bigfoot has joined the Italian Soccer League. The latter two gags made it into the finished movie, but later on.

As for Dracula, he's still running Hotel Transylvania, but now humans are welcome to stay at the hotel too. He's getting ready for Mavis and Jonathan's wedding. The scene that plays out is more or less the same one from the finished movie, except we don't get the gag where the flower girl gets mauled. Speaking of weddings, my older sister got married a week ago. If she and her husband are reading this -congratulations, you two!

A monster throws maggots instead of rice, we get to see Johnny's mom's underwear (thank goodness THAT gag wasn't in the film), one of Johnny's brothers has his arm eaten by the Venus flytrap centerpiece. After that, we don't get the scene where Dracula finds out that Mavis is pregnant... instead, we just cut right to one year later, with the pregnancy in full swing, Dracula insisting that Mavis eat "monster ball soup" instead of zuccini and ice cream ("They take the milk from a COW! Using CLEAN GLOVES! And stir it with SWEET FLAVORY SYRUP!"). And when the baby, Dennis, is born, we don't have Dracula disguising himself as a nurse. We DO, however, get a briss ceremony where Dracula and the other monsters are horrified by the mohel's attempt to circumcise the baby. I think it's pretty safe to say why THAT got cut.

Concept art for Dennis by Joey Chou.

Six months later, Johnny's parents are visiting the hotel again. Johnny's dad, Mike, and Dracula disagree on whether or not Dennis is a vampire, and Mavis' attempts to get them to stop arguing are futile. Mike also suggests that Jonathan come home with them to get a real job, but Johnny wants to stay at the hotel, and Dracula claims that he's in charge of "working with, eh, supervising, uh, human relations". Then it's time for presents! Like in the movie, Murray gives Dennis some cursed bling, Frank and his wife Eunice give him a tiny guillotine, and we see that Mavis has babyproofed the entire hotel. Also like in the movie, Dennis' first words are "Bleh-bleh-bleh". By the way, Johny's mom's name is Linda. My sister's husband's parents are named Mike and Linda. Amusing coincidence, huh?

Okay, okay. I'm gonna try not to talk too much about my sister and her husband's personal lives. I won't even tell you their names because I don't want you to look them up on Facebook or whatever and invade their privacy. This is Animation and All Things Related, not Let's Spill the Tea on My Sister's Life and Relationship History.

Dennis is now two. He still doesn't have fangs, but Dracula is determined to at least teach him how to turn into a bat. While this is going on, he's also trying to get the hang of having both monsters AND humans at his hotel. An aquatic-looking monster is annoyed that he got served a human dish ("COOKED meat?! Who would DO that to meat?"), whereas a human couple got a steak that attempts to eat THEM (must be from Soviet Russia... get it?). The hotel also has a TV room now, and while the humans and monsters agree that watching football is fun, they have differing opinions on Ghostbusters - the monsters find it horrifying.

Eventually, Dennis turns six. The sequence where Mavis tries to explain his new sleep schedule to Dracula is similar to how it goes in the movie, except we don't get the Cookie Monster parody. Instead of goofing around with some sort of photo-altering app, the zombie employees are playing Plants vs. Zombies, much to Dracula's bafflement. Before Johnny brings up the monster magician, Harry Three-Eye, he suggests that Dracula get a human bartender. The current bartender is Dr. Jekyll... isn't he already human? I know he turns into Mr. Hyde, but still...

Mr. Hyde actually appears as a background character
in the first Hotel Transylvania. Here's a picture of him.

Speaking of Harry Three-Eye, his act is a little different. He saws another monster in half... not the way magicians usually do it, he just takes a saw and cuts the guy in half right then and there. I'm guessing they changed the scene because they thought it was too gruesome. Then Dracula gets a text from Frank, who wants to introduce him to someone he met at a white party - the "Quinston hotel heir", a big fan of Drac's, and "wants to talk about opportunities" with him.

A storyboard featuring Quinston for a scene later on in the movie by
Steve Fonti.

Then it's time for the werewolf pups' birthday party. Like in the movie, Wayne and Wanda's daughter Winnie is head over heels in love with Dennis. Mavis tells Dracula to stop trying to push her son into liking everything he wants, just because Dracula hypnotized the werewolf pups into chasing their tails so Dennis could have some malted eyeballs. After that, Dracula and Johnny meet with the guy Frank texted Drac about, Carter Quinston, who the script describes as "a goofier Mark Cuban". He insists that they could make an entire chain of Hotel Transylvanias, but first they've gotta make a few changes. "With Monsters having other vacation options now, it's crucial for you to fully engage the human market," he explains. "The T will be the ultimate tribute to Monsters while bringing them into the 21st century." His ideas include...

- Renovating the exterior to have tall, dark floor-to-ceiling windows to make it look more "sleek and hip"... kind of like how they keep removing all the whimsy and character from McDonalds buildings and turning them into drab brown and grey coffee shops.

- Replacing the current staff with new vampires and zombies who look like they just stepped out of True Blood (so, more Edward Cullen than Count Von Count).

- Having a "Monsters Hall of Fame" for the "old school" monsters are put on display like they're in a zoo. Quinston suggests that to make it more "kid-friendly", Dracula could talk about his chocolate cereal and "the counting thing" (making the Count Von Count reference I just made a little redundant).

"Alright, I'm sorry, I just don't see me running a place like this," Dracula says. "Oh, no, no, no worries, dude, you wouldn't have to," Quinston insists. "I'm gonna buy it." Dracula, of course, is opposed to that idea, but Quinston explains that he'd still be a big part of it - not RUNNING the place, but rather being a meet-and-greet character like the ones at the Great Wolf Lodge. "I'd want you greeting everyone by the Blood Bar. You'd be the prototype for all the Draculas we put out there when we chain it," Quinston continues. "You know, we'd just limit your dialogue... keep it simple, 'I'm Dracula, bleh, bleh bleh..." They'd even have "Dracula's Bleh-berry Ice Cream", "Bleh cheese dressing", and "Bleh-berry muffins".

When I looked up "Dracula ice cream", I found this. Do you think Dracula would approve?

Dracula uses his telepathy powers to make Quinston kick himself repeatedly adn then has a yeti throw him out of the hotel. Wise call, Drac. Not every business needs a "modern" update, and if I ran a hotel I certainly wouldn't want to be reduced to its Mickey Mouse equivalent either.

Later, Dracula wakes up to find Johnny and Mavis putting Dennis to bed. He still hasn't figured out that Dennis sleeps at night and is awake during the day, unlike vampires. He's also surprised to find out that Mavis is feeding him Mueslix cereal instead of Lucky Maggots.

Product placement!

They're also talking about Dennis' birthday party next month (didn't he just turn six?). He wants to have a special hero on his cake, a special hero who wears a cape and can climb walls. That hero, of course, is NOT Dracula, but rather Batman. Dracula is miffed that Johnny and Mavis are seemingly trying to steer Dennis away from liking monsters at all, but it turns out that Dennis DOES like ONE monster: Cakie, the aforementioned Cookie Monster parody.

Concept art for Cakey.

And that's when Mavis drops the bombshell: they're thinking about moving to where Johnny's family lives in California. "I just think maybe he needs a more normal life," she explains. Now, this brings up a common complaint I see about the second movie a lot... unlike most of the internet, I never saw Drac as unlikable or forgetting what he learned in the first Hotel Transylvania. He loves his grandson regardless of whether or not he's a vampire, he's just being overly-enthusiastic and then goes to extremes to "get the fangs out" because he doesn't want him, Mavis, and Johnny to move (Johnny and Dennis didn't want to move either, it's worth noting). He was trying too hard to make Dennis a monster, and Mavis was trying too hard to make him a human, which is implied to be because she thinks she's "freaky" and doesn't want Dennis to feel like that too. It's not just "Mavis is right, Dracula is wrong", they both have good intentions but are going about it the wrong way.

Dracula talks to a portrait of his wife, Martha - who, for those of you who didn't watch the first movie, was killed by humans. "I don't think I could bear it if they left me," he laments. "I'd feel so alone. I know she's a good mommy but I've been at this for 2000 years, maybe I know a little more than her. I'm telling you, that boy, it's in there! If I could just get some real Grandpa time... show him the ropes. I KNOW I could get those fangs out of him..."

I don't know why, but I find this meme hilarious.

Then he gets an idea. We cut to a brunch buffet, with a three-legged race going on (an actual three-legged monster, of course, is in the lead). Drac is seated at a table with all the main characters, and everyone can see that Mavis is pretty stressed-out. Wanda advises her to get a stress toy - which is a tiny sentient monster whose eyes pop out when you squeeze it (he's cool with it). Dracula suggests that maybe Mavis and Johnny could go on a little vacation, by themselves. Wayne and Wanda agree. They always make sure they get some "alone time" by locking themselves in a closet for thirty seconds every day. "Doesn't matter how hard they kick the door, that time is for us," Wayne declares. Then Johnny suggests that, while they're out, Dracula could take care of Dennis. "Who, me? That's not my ulterior motive at all!" Dracula exclaims.

Through a montage, Johnny and Mavis prep Dracula by showing him all of the things Dennis does and likes. Mavis shows him all of the different vitamins Dennis takes, then they go to a place called Kidboree, Color Me Mine, a wildlife center, a music class, and a kids' yoga class. As soon as Mavis and Johnny leave for the airport, the other monsters show up with their luggage. They've all got things to do: Frank and Eunice are meeting with a reality show producer, Griffin is going to Coachella, and Murray has a book signing in Akron. As for Wayne, he's working as a caddy - this scene is basically a repeat of the "Wayne is a lousy tennis instructor because he's a dog and likes chasing balls" gag from earlier.

Dracula explains to Murray, Frank, Wayne, Griffin, and Blobby the blob monster in the sauna that he needs their help to help Dennis. They have to go to all their own haunts and show Dennis how to be a monster. As they're leaving, they run into Eunice, who wants to know where they're going. Uh-oh. Dracula tells her that Dennis has a fever, so they're taking him to a specialist in China. And just to make sure that Eunice has no lingering suspicions, he puts her in charge of the hotel until he gets back (along with the Human Fly). I smell a wacky subplot!

Concept art by Michael Spooner.

While Dracula and his buddies head off, we cut to Mavis and Johnny arriving NOT in California, but rather in France. Because Johnny wanted to show Mavis France. First they go rock-climbing. Then they climb the Eiffel Tower (which is usually frowned upon, don't try it in real life or you'll get thrown in French Jail like Johnny was the previous time he did it). Only downside is, they're stuck in a crummy hostel, in a tiny room, with a bunkbed - and somebody is already in the bottom bunk!

Back with the Drac Pack (note to self: review Drak Pack at some point), they arrive at the Dark Forest of Slobozia, which is now a Municipal Park and Bike Trail, much to Dracula's shock. The windmill where Dracula sucked his first blood has been turned into a wind turbine ("More cost efficient and safer for Mother Earth!" Wayne points out). Instead of a deer, Dracula tries to get Wayne to kill and eat a coyote. I looked it up, and apparently wolves DO eat coyotes in real life. Since they're both wild dogs, wouldn't that be cannibalism?

Storyboards for the scene (after they decided to swap out the coyote for a deer)
by Aurelien Predal.

Wayne's attempt at attacking the coyote just results in them all getting chased by the coyote's pack. Then it's off to a cemetary, where Dracula tells Murray to raise some ghosts. Mummies can do that, I guess. I'm not a mummy expert. And sure enough, Murray DOES raise some ghosts - an elderly Jewish couple who the script suggests casting Mel Brooks and Martin Short as the voices of. Then the coyote shows up again, and when Murray sees it he creates a huge sandstorm that covers the entire cemetary... is that the mummy equivalent of crapping one's pants?

Mavis and Johnny are having crepes at a French bistro. Mavis isn't the only monster in Paris - Bigfoot is there, too, on a date with a model. Hey, if Tex Avery can get a girlfriend far more attractive than he is, I see no reason why Bigfoot couldn't. Especially since Bigfoot is far less annoying.

Concept art by Sylvain Marc.

We get another scene pretty much exactly as it is in the finished movie - Mavis calls up Dracula, and Griffin puppeteers the sleeping Dennis. The only real difference here is that they bring up Mueslix again. Back at the hotel, everything is, as the script puts it, going to crap. The zombies are riding luggage carts like they're Zack and Cody (I haven't watched an episode of that show in years, did they ever actually do that?). The Human Fly, another zombie, and a grotesque monster are messing with a photo-altering app - hey, that joke's in this draft after all! And Eunice is too busy getting sixteen massages and buying everything in the gift shop to do anything about the chaos. As soon as she storms out, Quinston walks back into the hotel with a fake mustache (which he needs because there are multiple signs with his face on them and the words "NOT PERMITTED IN HOTEL").

Dracula and his buds arrive at Camp Winnepacaca, the vampire kid summer camp. Just like in the finished movie, it's been drastically altered since Dracula went there. They are greeted by an older vampire named Grigor - not to be confused with Bulgarian tennis player Grigor Dimitrov, who I'm pretty sure is NOT a vampire. He shows them that Dracula wet his coffin when he attended the camp, then attempts to give Dracula a purple nurple before the camp director, Dana, shows up. In addition to "tee-mousing", they also have "crossbow-dodging", just like when Drac was there... except that the crossbows they dodge are Nerf. Fun fact: Nerf crossbows are a thing. I looked it up.

More concept art by Michael Spooner.

Back in Paris, the waiter at the bistro complains to Mavis and Jonathan that monsters are disgusting. "They eat three times what us humans eat and they are lousy tippers. Maybe they don't know math. But the Cyclops was in here? He left me a gall bladder!" he complained. And he's badmouthing monsters IN FRONT OF A VAMPIRE. Insensitive much, waiter? Mavis obviously isn't comfortable with this, so Johnny tries to cheer her up with a trip to the Louvre. It's closed, so they climb onto the roof.

Okay, so then we get the most iconic scene in Hotel Transylvania 2 - Dracula attempts to help Dennis learn how to fly by throwing him off an extremely tall and rickety tower, eventually realizing just before Dennis hits the ground that he's not gonna fly and saves him.

Why would Dracula think this is a good idea? Because he's, as he would put it,
"nusty cuckoo".

Then while Dracula is arguing with Dana, the tower falls over and Frank winds up accidentally setting the entire camp aflame. This scene is almost exactly the way it is in the finished film (the only difference is the lack of Dracula saying that Dennis' mother is "nutsy cuckoo"). What happens next, not so much. The monsters wind up in jail. Murray's cellmate implies that he's going to use him for toilet paper... at least I HOPE that's what he's implying.

Dracula tries to cheer Dennis up by saying that they're just playing pretend, and that he's Batman and he's locking him in a cell. Then he somehow butt-dials Mavis, and despite Dracula's best efforts, she winds up finding out that they're in a jail cell. Murray runs in, screaming, "He wiped with me! He wiped with me!" Poor Murray. Mavis announces that she's going back to the hotel, and if Dracula isn't there when she arrives, they're moving to California tomorrow. I didn't know that you can move to another state - heck, another CONTINENT - in just one day.

A storyboard for the scene featuring poor Murray and his cellmate.

As Mavis and Johnny hail a taxi, Griffin, who managed to avoid being arrested (there are benefits to being invisible), sneaks in and frees Drac and the others. The scene that follows is basically the same as it is in the finished film - although, since Paris and Transylvania are both in Europe, Mavis and Johnny probably get back to the hotel faster.

So, like in the movie, Mavis and Jonathan get back to the hotel before Dracula and his pals do. Mavis is MAD! She doesn't know about the "throwing Dennis off a tower" thing, which makes her anger seem a bit less justified - she can't even give Dracula a chance to explain? Not even asking, "How the heck did you guys end up in jail?"

After Mavis storms off, Dracula gives up on trying to get Dennis' fangs out. "Maybe Mavis is right. I have to let him be who he is, just like I did with her," he tells Frank. Plus, he has a lot of angry hotel guests to worry about. Later on, we see Mavis, Jonathan, and Dennis on a plane. Mavis turned into a bat and is inside a box (they didn't have enough seats, and Johnny couldn't bear to check his backpack). Unbeknownst to them, Dracula and the others are hiding in the cargo hold. Dracula changed his mind on the whole "let him be who he is" thing because he knows that Dennis needs his vampa - that's "vampire grandpa", for those who haven't seen the film.

Back at the hotel, while chaos ensues in the lobby, Quinston is hanging out in Dr. Jekyll's bar with a bunch of monsters and humans. He tells them that Dracula is selling the hotel and "dumping all the monsters". The Phantom of the Opera - technically not a monster, but technically neither is the Invisible Man so we'll let it slide - says that Dracula would never do that, but Quinston insists: he's "replacing [them] with humans and hip, teen-friendly monsters. Dudes, look what he's done already, making it humany. TV. Pillows." And guess who else is there? Quasimodo, the head chef and the closest thing that the first movie had to a villain. He believes Quinston's claims... after all, Dracula prevented him from eating the human who went on to become his son-in-law, did he not?

The monsters are still skeptical until Quinston introduces them to his new musicians - a zombie boy band! The human guests go gaga over them... I guess the whole "boy band" thing makes them ignore the "zombie" thing. The monsters are furious. "Everything was fine till Drac let humans in!" Harry Three-Eye snaps. Dr. Jekyll is so mad that he chugs down his potion and turns into Mr. Hyde, then leads the monsters in attacking the humans. The Human Fly attempts to restore order, but it's futile. Human/monster relations are falling apart. Nobody sees Quinston paying the zombie boy band, or pouring some of Dr. Jekyll's potion into an empty bottle.

For those of you who don't remember what Harry Three-Eye looked like
in the finished movie, here's a picture of him.

Mavis, Johnny, and Dennis arrive at Johnny's parents' house, where Dennis has to deal with his obnoxious seven year old cousin, and then gets attacked by the neighborhood kids. I'm sure he'll LOVE IT there! Meanwhile, at an outdoor shopping mall, Dracula and his pals are trying not to get noticed, and Drac suggests they get new clothes. They spot a store called The Halloween Store, which confuses Frank as it's only June. I can confirm that, yes, stores DO start getting out Halloween decorations months before October (I'm not sure if they start in June, though). I don't understand why either, nor do I understand why stores also have CHRISTMAS stuff out when it's only October right now.

We get the "mixed couples" gag seen in the finished film, then Mavis gets attacked by Johnny's brother's cocker spaniel. She has a monster phobia. Johnny's brother suggests that he could get him a job at his firm - then he could start up a career in investment banking! Nobody knows that Griffin is inside the house, spying on them and reporting to Dracula what's going on via the phone. This is pretty creepy, isn't it? Probably a good thing this scene wasn't in the film. If it had, the people complaining about Dracula's behavior would've had a field day...

Concept art for Johnny's parents' house.

After Murray and the blob are scared by a kid in a Jason mask, the monsters head to a WalMart-esque store and buy some cargo shorts, plaid shirts, socks, and trucker hats. To make Griffin visible again, Dracula douses him with tanning spray. Remember how angry everyone on the internet was when we actually saw what Griffin looked like in Hotel Transylvania 4 and it turned out that he wasn't a hot guy (granted, I'm not a huge fan of the design they gave him either)? Just think, they could've gotten to see how ugly he actually was much earlier.

Johnny's family and friends are eating at a Chinese restaurant. Dennis is still being picked on by his cousin and a half-human/half-monster boy named Troy. Dracula and his chums enter and sit down at a table very close to theirs. Of course, their disguises work - apparently all a werewolf has to do to avoid anyone noticing that he's an anthropomorphic wolf is to put on a plaid shirt and a trucker hat. Eventually, Johnny notices Dracula after he gets into an argument with the waiter, and they meet up in the bathroom to discuss the situation.

Johnny and Dennis do not want to live in California. "I don't want to work with Intestine Spanking!" Johnny moans. "Do you know what they do?! They help people ALLOCATE and MANAGE their assets! And you have to wear SHOES!" He also mentions that tomorrow, they're gonna have a birthday party for Dennis, and that he hired Cakey the Cookie Monster parody to perform. "If that kid sees Cakey in this town he'll never want to leave!" Dracula laments. But he has an idea: Johnny brings Cakey to where he's staying, and he'll apparently be so psyched to meet him that he'll make him part of his show and then Dennis will see that real monsters are cool, too. It's foolproof! Or maybe it isn't. Who knows?

Back in Transylvania, Eunice and Wanda emerge from the hotel spa and are suprised to find the lobby empty, except for the Human Fly. He explains to them that the monsters are attacking the humans. Unbeknownst to them, the monsters have left the hotel and are being ushered by Quinston and his aides onto a large private jet. Quinston claims that they're not gonna HURT Dracula, they're just going to talk him out of it before he signs over the hotel. And because the monsters are apparently idiots, nobody has any suspicions that maybe this Quinston guy isn't super-trustworthy.

Concept art of the monsters on the plane.

Dracula and his pals meet up with Johnny and the guy who'll be playing Cakey, Brandon, in their hotel room. Brandon isn't so sure about having Dracula and the other monsters in his performance because "it wouldn't really be true to the Cakey character", and it doesn't help that Dracula's proposed routine is pretty lame. Then Brandon ticks off Dracula by bringing up the "bleh, bleh, bleh" thing and Dracula knocks the guy out cold. Oh, great. NOW what is Dracula gonna do?

And what is he gonna do when Quinston and the other monsters arrive? They're still on the plane, and he's showing them a contract that he's drawn up promising never to sell the hotel and to always employ monsters - or so he claims, it actually just hands over the hotel to him. Quinston's aides give the flight attendant the bottle of potion he'd swiped earlier as she prepares the monsters' drinks. Moments later, we see the pilots in the cockpit, nonchalantly talking about going to Napa. One of them hears noises from the cabin and opens the door to check it out. All of the monsters have drank the potion, and they've gone all Mr. Hyde - crazier, larger, and fiercer versions of themselves who want to make Dracula pay. The pilot's reaction to this? He calmly closes the door and says "Must be a bachelor party."

A storyboard featuring Quinston and Quasimodo.

It's Dennis' birthday, but he's not having much fun. Neither is Mavis, who has to put up with the other moms' looking down on monsters. Eventually, in comes Cakey - or rather, Dracula dressed as Cakey. His performance sucks more than a vampire sucks blood, mostly because the other kids hate it and continue bullying Dennis. Poor kid. At least nobody is using him as toilet paper.

After Cakey Dracula violently punishes the other kids for picking on Dennis, Frank freaks out at the sight of the lit candles on the birthday cake and runs out of the house. When the other monsters tackle him, Mavis pulls off Cakey's head to reveal that it's Dracula in the suit. "How could you do this? Why can't you ever let go?" she demands. "Let go of what? Dennis isn't happy here!" Jonathan protests. "You KNOW he doesn't fit in here!" Just like in the finished movie, everyone starts arguing over what's best for Dennis, and they're so busy bickering that they don't notice an uncomfortable Dennis running off. And while this is going on, Quinston and his army of Hyde-ified monsters are driving through the neighborhood in a line of stretch limos, looking for Johnny's folks' house.

Fortunately, everyone eventually notices that Dennis is missing. Unfortunately, Quasimodo spots Dennis and points him out to Quinston. The limos screech to a halt, and Quinston and the monsters get out and ambush the poor kid. Dennis tries to get away by climbing up a tree, but Quinston manages to grab him. "Now we can use this kid as ransom to get his Grampa to do what we want!" he snaps. "Why do you be so mean to Papa Drac?" Dennis protests, to which Quinston makes it pretty clear: he said "no", and Quinston really, really, REALLY wants to own Hotel Transylvania, even though surely there's some other hotel chain he can buy. Maybe he already started production on cartons of "Dracula's Bleh-berry Ice Cream"?

Quinston's taunts and threatening of Dracula make Dennis MAD! And here we get the OTHER scene from the movie everyone talks about: Dennis gaining his vampire powers. A complaint I've seen about the film is that the moral seems to be that Drac should accept that Dennis might not be a vampire, but having Dennis gain vampire powers during the climax kind of flies in the face of that. But there are two things that don't bother me about it. One, Dracula already puts his foot down and decides it's not worth it BEFORE Dennis gets his powers (I love the scene where he stands up to Vlad and defends Dennis). Two, there is a scene after the battle against Bela and his goons where Dennis asks Drac if he's cool now because he has vampire powers, and Drac tells him he was ALWAYS cool. Somebody on TV Tropes pointed out that if Dennis didn't have vampire powers, it would basically just be a rehash of the first movie's "Dracula must accept Johnny even though he's a human" thing, so either way it was going to be a problem. Now, granted, I think it miiiiiiiiight work a little better here because Dracula already gave up on trying to make Dennis a vampire long before the climax and followed them to California because he knew Dennis didn't want to leave, but chances are people still would've complained.

Pictured: how most vampires react when they watch Twilight.

Except Dracula - in the first movie, his reaction to it was an exasperated, "THIS
is how we're represented? Unbelievable..."

So, Dennis gains vampire powers and beats the crap out of Quinston and the Hyde-ified monsters. As he gets away, Quinston feeds the potion to some squirrels and sics 'em on Dennis, but they're no match for the kid. Mavis and Dracula arrive just as Dennis is finishing off the monsters. But now QUINSTON has drank the potion, and he's now a Hulk-like Hyde monster sneaking up on Dracula with a wooden stake. Fortunately, Dennis spots him and freezes him. Kind of an anti-climax, isn't it?

As Dracula hugs Dennis, Mavis apologizes and admits that her father was right. "None of us were right. We all wanted to tell Dennis who he was," Dracula assures her. "He could only figure it out when he was left alone." Then we cut to the next day. Back at Hotel Transylvania, the monsters are all back to normal and they've made amends with the humans. I guess all that got cleared up off-camera. Dennis is having a birthday party there, and Dracula gives a speech about how he will never stop protecting his fellow monsters. Wayne is now Harry Three-Eye's apprentice, and he makes a rabbit disappear... by eating it. Dance party ending time!

I know this is from the third movie, not the second, but I couldn't resist...

Oh, and there's even a scene for the middle of the credits. Quinston is still frozen in place... and then the cocker spaniel shows up and attacks him. Justice is served.

So that's the second draft of Hotel Transylvania 2, and while it starts off being pretty similar to the film we got, things really take a turn for the different in the third act. Personally, while I prefer the film we got - the absence of Dracula's father, Vlad, is very much felt - there were some interesting ideas in here that had potential. I liked the idea of this evil guy who wants to take over the hotel and who tricks the monsters into turning on humans. The villain we got in the film - Vlad's crony Bela - works just as well, but feels a bit tacked-on just to provide a big battle for the climax. But seeing the good guys come together to defeat Bela was certainly more satisfying than having them sit the climax out. I think, if nothing else, Dracula should've been involved.

Speaking of involved, I also think having Jonathan be in on Dracula's plan to make Dennis a vampire works better than having him be oblivious. It makes Dracula seem slightly less skeevy. Keyword: SLIGHTLY. Still, this was a pretty fun read, but I'm still glad they revised the script in time for the film's 2015 release.

I was originally going to make this a one-part post and look at the other two script drafts in the second part, but I decided against it because they were pretty close to this draft and the film we got. I'm just gonna sum 'em up quickly right now:

Third Draft

- Instead of an Oprah parody, the script begins with Frank, Murray, Wayne, and Griffin being interviewed at a red carpet event. We get the same gags - Murray working in fashion, Griffin having a workout video, Bigfoot playing soccer, etc. Frank talks about how Dracula is still running the hotel. Then we see Dracula waiting for Mavis and Johnny, who are off traveling, to return. Mavis and Johnny call him via video-chat, using Wayne's phone - so they can tell everyone that they're engaged.

- There's a scene where Dracula talks to that sassy talking head.

- The montage of Dracula tagging along to Dennis' various activities now includes a scene at the pool (where a monster tries to swallow Dennis) and a music class run by the Phantom of the Opera.

The Phantom of the Opera, as seen in the finished film.

- The brunch buffet has a Hawaiian theme. Some monsters are hula-dancing and Dracula slices spam off a large, squarish Spam Monster.

- There's no evil hotel manager guy, and Johnny and Mavis go to California instead of Paris. Johnny also still isn't in on Dracula's plan, and Mavis still doesn't find out about the "throwing Dennis off a tower to see if he flies" thing.

- Johnny and Mavis go waterskiing at one point.

- After Mavis decides that they're moving to California, Johnny begs Dracula to help him convince her not to move. He wants to stay at the hotel. There's still a joke about the Zombie Boy Band, but this time Johnny hired them.

- So, Dracula and Frank go to see Vlad. Dracula hasn't seen him in years, it turns out, because Vlad didn't approve of his wife (she wasn't a "pure vampire", her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother's cousin was from Baltimore). Dracula asks for his help getting Dennis' fangs out, and Vlad suggests they have a ceremony where they sacrifice what he cherishes the most. Dracula isn't sure about it, but Vlad insists that they have to "remove what's holding him back from his dark destiny".

Concept art for the scene where Dracula and Frank visit Vlad.

- After that, Dracula tells Johnny about Vlad's plan and they get the idea to sacrifice Cakey. Dracula also tells Johnny that his father can't know that he and his family are humans because Vlad hates humans.

- The scene where Dennis talks to Winnie about having to move is earlier - just before the birthday party and Vlad arrives at the hotel. Winnie also suggests that she and Dennis could "have really weird babies".

- Vlad flirts with Johnny's mother at one point.

- Vlad attempts to sacrifice Cakey, but Dracula puts his foot down and stops it, which leads to Mavis finding out and them all getting into an argument. When Mavis says that they can't change Dennis, Dracula says, "I don't want to change him! I don't care anymore if he's a vampire! I just want you all to stay!" Then Vlad asks, "You don't care about the shame he brings you? What's become of you, son?" While all of this is going on, Dennis runs off.

- Johnny stands up to Vlad and accidentally reveals he's not a vampire not because Vlad called him and Dennis wimps but because Vlad was giving Dracula a hard time. Vlad is furious that Dracula "ruined [their] bloodline" and "let humans into [their] world" and declares that the hotel must be extinguished. He summons his demonic cronies to destroy the hotel. The knights and staff try to fight them. Meanwhile, Dennis and Winnie are in their fort, but they hear the hullabaloo going on in the hotel and go back to the hotel. However, the cronies get out of control and don't listen to Vlad when he clarifies to only destroy the HOTEL, not the PEOPLE. The cronies' actions result in Dennis gaining his vampire powers. We get a big fight scene, and once the cronies are defeated, Vlad sums up that what Dennis actually cherished was his FAMILY and that he realizes now that humans and monsters can coexist and blah blah blah. Johnny offers to give Vlad his backpack.

Fourth Draft

- We open with Dracula sitting on Mavis' bed and playing with her old dolls. He has the girl doll say "Save, me, oh King! That Lunatic stole me and took me to Hawaii!" and the boy doll say "Fear not, my little Princess! That Red Headed Gorilla will pay for trying to steal you!" ...yeah, really glad they cut this part. Wasn't the point of the first film's ending that Dracula accepted Johnny despite him being a human?

- Frankenstein and Wayne walk in on him and point out that Dracula needs to deal with the fact that his daughter is out seeing the world. Frank suggests that HE get out and see the world a little, too, like the other monsters, which is how we get the workout video and soccer gags. Eventually, Mavis and Johnny walk in, Dracula is very happy. Johnny asks Dracula if he can marry Mavis and have a room at the hotel where they can stay - or at least he tries to, Dracula can read his mind, but he agrees to it.

Concept art of Mavis and Dennis.

- After the wedding, things play out the way they do in the movie until the scene where Dracula talks to Frank about Mavis wanting to move. When Frank points out that Johnny doesn't want to leave, Dracula says, "Yeah, well he's got some way of showing it. Running around contaminating my hotel staff with his facebooks and his rock 'n' roll!" and that the reason why Dennis doesn't have fangs yet is because "they're babying him so much with the Cakey sharing and the avocados."

- In the movie, Johnny says that he "hasn't felt this alive since they invented stuffed-crust pizza". Here, he says that he "hasn't felt this alive since [I] sat on Dave Matthews' amplifier in the rain".

- We still have the Hawaii-themed barbeque scene.

- After Mavis makes up her mind about moving, things play out the way they do in the third draft, minus the zombie boy band joke. Dracula still goes to Vlad, instead of Mavis inviting him to the party herself. There is, however, some new dialogue here - Vlad mentions that all Dracula learned at the summer camp was "how to pee stain every kind of wood" and that he played with a kitten all day... so Vlad ate the kitten.

Concept art of Dracula and Frank on their way to see Vlad.

- So we get the party, Vlad's attempt to sacrifice Cakey, the argument, Vlad summoning the cronies to destroy the hotel. Dennis runs in and asks Dracula what's happening to the hotel. Dracula says, "Don't worry about the hotel! I'll build a new one. I just care that you're okay." Dennis says, "Even if I'm not a vampire?" and then Dracula says, "I don't care if you're a vampire. You're my grandson. My perfect, beautiful grandson."

- From there, it's pretty much the same as in the third draft.

...boy, this post was a lot longer than I expected it to be. I hope you enjoyed reading about the writing process of a sequel that I seem to be in the minority on liking. If you didn't enjoy it? Sorry, no refunds.

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Back to the Drawing Board: The Live Action "Jetsons" Movies, Part 3

Part 3: "The Jetsons in Viva Rock Vegas" or "Would Astro Have Been an Animatronic or CGI?"

Well, we've made it to the third script for the live action Jetsons movie that never got off the ground. It's been quite a roller coaster, hasn't it? Judy falling in love with Technicolor Jet Screamer lookalikes, references to Jerry Lewis, George becoming a villain with telekinesis bent on world domination, Elroy getting kidnapped, talking rabbits, Jane's bosses having the hots for her... who knows what bizarre situations this draft of the script will put the Jetsons in? Let us get started!

The sun rises over the Jetsons' house, filled to the brim with curvy furniture and angular fixtures that probably wouldn't have looked as neat in live action as it did in a cartoon. An alarm goes off, and the house springs to life. The coffeemaker brews a pot as a table and chairs rise from the floor. George and Jane are asleep in their bedroom. Jane wakes up first, heading into the bathroom so a machine can do her hair and makeup. George is still sleeping, so Jane presses a button that makes the bed lift up and launch him into a shower filled with hot water. Dear lord, Jane, are you trying to cook George like a lobster?

Jane presses another button that makes Judy and Elroy's beds slide into the wall, which is a less-than-pleasant way of waking THEM up. Astro wakes up on his own. Everybody gets ready to start the day - Astro gets a bath, Judy's closet dresses her in a miniskirt and go-go boots (I don't think she ever wore go-go boots in the cartoon, but hey, neither did Daphne...), Elroy eats some food pellets (the future must suck if you only get to eat pellets for every meal) - and everyone is too busy to eat with George. Hmmm, it would seem that in this script, it's everyone else who's too busy to spend time with George, not the other way around. I do wonder if this will lead to George deciding the family is growing too distant and planning a surprise vacation so they can all get closer together.

Jane's index finger is glowing like E.T.'s - she dubs this "Space Finger", something you get from pushing buttons all day. She's working too hard, and the solution to this is NOT having the kids help out with the housework (why don't YOU help out with the housework, George? Lazy bum) but rather to get a robot maid. George initially doesn't want to do it, but all Jane has to do is bat her eyes at him and he just can't say "no". So it's off to the mall, which you have to drive through an asteroid belt to get to.

When they get to the mall, Elroy rushes off to the arcade, where he plays some sort of weird motion-capture version of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, with him and another kid puppeteering the robots with mechanical suits. Judy meets up with some "Eisenhower-era poster children", among them her new boyfriend Waldo Cogswell. George hates Waldo, mainly because he's the son of his boss' arch-enemy. We'll see if Mr. Cogswell plays a big part in this script too.

Oh, and I'm fully convinced that the name of Judy's boyfriend being "Waldo" is a reference to Janet Waldo, her voice actress. I wonder if they would have had her make a cameo somewhere in the film, too... would've been more respectful than replacing her with Tiffany.

Or maybe the scriptwriter is just a big fan of this guy.

At a store called "SEARS AND ROBOT", George and Jane look at the robots for sale, but they're all too gosh-darn expensive. George asks a salesman if they have "some kind of bargain bin... with floor models... bruised demos... stuff in the back that nobody wants". Sure enough, they do - Rosey, who was discontinued ten years ago. She works, and she's cheap, so George says they'll take her. This Rosey has quite the potty mouth, saying the word "hell" three times. This was intended to be a kids' film, right?

Did you know that in the original 1960s run of The Jetsons, Rosey
only appeared twice? She became more prominent in the 1980s revival.

We then cut to Elroy's second grade class, where they're learning some complicated algebra equation... here's a fun fact for you: after you graduate, you never actually use algebra at any point in your life. Unless, I suppose, you work in a bank. If you don't, math class was likely a waste of time.

Meanwhile, George arrives at work. They do the "car folds up into a briefcase" gag, then it's revealed that here all George has to do is press a button to turn on a robotic assembly line. On the one hand, this sounds like the easiest job ever... but on the other hand, wouldn't you very quickly become bored? Mr. Spacely appears on the video monitor to shout at him, then we see him and Mr. Cogswell playing golf. Question: why would you play golf with somebody you mutually despise?

Then again, Mario frequently goes go-karting with Bowser...

Back home, George watches an ad for Spacely's Sprockets, portraying them as the greatest thing ever and comparing Cogswell Cogs to Hitler (no, really). George dubs the ad "too subtle", then reaches for his drink... which lifts into the air and then pours itself all over George, the result of Judy turning on an anti-gravity box. George goes to Judy's room, where she, Waldo and a bunch of other teenagers are dancing to "Eep-Opp-Ork-Ah-Ah" - clearly this was written by folks who watched the original show. George turns off the anti-gravity box and reminds Judy of the "no anti-gravity dancing on school nights" rule. If her friends want to stay, they can play a nice game of charades in the living room.

Next, the script throws in an explanation as to why Astro can talk - again, I don't think we NEEDED an explanation as to why Astro can talk, but whatever. Here, Elroy has built some sort of device that allows Astro to speak. Elroy asks George to read him a bedtime story, to which George agrees, but when he opens the book, an electronic periscope emerges and clamps onto Elroy's head, and then a mechanical voice starts reading the story to him instead. If this is what the future is going to be like, we heavy readers are in trouble.

While he and Jane are getting ready for bed, George laments that he thinks they're all getting too reliant on machines. I often fear the same thing... why do you think we're so worried about companies using AI? Jane insists that "it's just a few appliances that make our lives a little easier". Yeah, that's how it starts. Just as Jane is about to kiss George, Rosey emerges from the bathroom and tells George not to worry so much about gadgets. Maybe he'd feel better if he saw a professional shrink (she has a pretty funny line here about her cousin being an elevator in a medical building)...

George pays a visit to the shrink that Rosey reccommends, Bob Brain: a robot with a big goofy egg-shaped head, spinning tape reels for eyeballs, and a mouth full of colorful blinking lights. "Everywhere I look all I see are buttons," George says. "Sometimes I wish I lived in the past - you know, like back around the 1990's... when people sat around the fireplace, telling stories, exchanging ideas, sharing a hug..." Bob Brain says that the correct response is "relaxation and a mild sedative".

Relaxing might be hard for George, however, because Spacely and Cogswell are in the middle of a getting-people-to-buy-our-crap war. Spacely reduces the price of Sprockets to $200 (still seems like a lot of money to me, but you know how inflation works...), so Cogswell reduces the price of Cogs to $150 each, to which Spacely reduces the price of Sprockets to $125. Eventually, George pays a visit to Spacely's office while he's being threatened by a woman who he owes money to and tells him that he went to K-Martian (get it?) before work and saw that Cogs were the Blue Light Special - they're only one hundred bucks!

"A hundred bucks?! That's IMPOSSIBLE! I can't beat it!" Spacely moans. "I know..." George concurs. "There's no way on Earth to make Sprockets at that price." That gives Spacely an idea - they'll farm it out to a planet with lower wages. Like Pluto, for example. Soon he's got a sweatshop set up where the Plutonians - balls of fur with arms and eyes, probably what happens when an Ewok barfs up a hairball - assemble Sprockets. Very sloppily.

At Spacely Sprockets, a tour group is being led around by a robot. Just as George is trying to explain how Sprockets are made, Spacely tells him that the first shipment of foreign-made Sprockets (only ninety-nine cents) has arrived. When George holds one, he notices that it's "flimsy and tinny". The parts bend and the lighted center is brown. He tells Mr. Spacely that there's something wrong with them, but Spacely claims that it's "just the fluorescent lighting". I do hope this, and the fact that the tour group is snatching them up like Beanie Babies, doesn't come back to bite him in the rear later on...

When George gets home, he is asked by Astro if he smelled any nice synonym for "butts" that begins with the letter "A". Dear lord, why is there so much foul language in this script? I know The Jetsons wasn't made exclusively for kids, but it didn't have characters cursing. Anyway, George then offers Rosey some of the new Sprockets, but she dubs them crap, easily snaps one in half, and demands that George keep them away from her. Astro agrees. George is indignant, declares that he will not take orders from "a dog and a tin can", and starts putting Sprockets in all the devices in the house. How much are you willing to bet that this will lead to WHACKY SHENANIGANS?

That night, strange noises emerge from all the devices. Outside, a guy whose wife earlier put one of the new Sprockets in his jetpack is spinning out of control. And in the morning, George and Jane discover that their alarm clock has let them oversleep. Instead of taking George to the shower, his bed drives him up to the window. He winds up flashing all of Cleveland... the Jetsons live in Ohio now? I thought they lived in Colorado.

Something weird is going on. The machine that puts Elroy's clothes on him dresses him in a frilly pink dress. Judy's makeup machine makes her look like Groucho Marx. A chair goes haywire, dragging Jane through other apartments. George is walking Astro on the treadmill, only for it to subject him to a recreation of the "JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!" gag from the show. Yep - there is indeed something wrong with those new Plutonian Sprockets. Maybe the Plutonians sabotaged them to get revenge on us Earthlings for saying Pluto wasn't a planet anymore.

George rushes to Spacely's Sprockets, yelling "I gotta stop 'em! I GOTTA STOP 'EM!" But as soon as he gets there, he sees dozens of giant delivery trucks head out in all directions. Unaware of the chaos that is about to ensue, Mr. Spacely and his wife celebrate in their office. George runs in and tells Spacely that the new Sprockets are dangerous. Spacely's response to hearing that George's son was wearing a dress and that he was standing naked in a window? "Sounds to me like you need a family therapist." He thinks that the new Sprockets are perfectly safe - heck, he even loaded them into all of HIS robots that morning. Cut to Spacely's mansion, which promptly explodes.

"For once, please don't be stupid! JUST LISTEN TO ME!" George begs. Word of advice, George - if you want your boss to listen to you, it's probably not a great idea to call him stupid. Indeed, Mr. Spacely feels insulted and points out that the name of the company is SPACELY'S Sprockets, not JETSON'S Sprockets. "Nothing could possibly go wrong..." he claims. And as we all know, when somebody says that nothing could possibly go wrong, it's a guarantee that something - ANYTHING - will indeed go wrong.

All around the world, people are buying Sprockets and shoving them into whatever devices they have. Cogswell is sobbing that he's ruined. George pays another visit to Bob Brain, who very bluntly tells him that it's his fault this mess is getting started and dubs him a jellyfish. Why is he acting like this? Because HE'S got one of the Plutonian Sprockets inside one of his eyes. In fact, seemingly everything mechanical in the world, with the possible exception of Rosey, has a Plutonian Sprocket in it. And you know what THAT means...

Robots, flying motorcycles, microphones, and even electronic belt buckles are going berserk. The floating disks that Elroy and his friends use in spaceball - a version of basketball in this script as opposed to baseball - have Plutonian Sprockets in them, too, which leads to all the boys... and George, when he tries to save Elroy... getting stuffed into the basket. This is a gag that, at the risk of repeating myself, probably wouldn't have worked as well in live action as it would have in animation. How on Earth could they have stuffed a bunch of child actors, plus whoever would've been cast as George (apparently they wanted Chevy Chase) into a basketball net?

As everyone leaves after the game, a boy from Elroy's class throws one of the Sprockets at George. "SPROCKETS SUCK!" people start shouting. The Jetsons wisely make a run for it. Meanwhile, Spacely gets a call from a very smug-looking Cogswell, who tells him to check out Channels 5, 8, 17, and 23. When Spacely does, he is bombarded by reports about the pandemonium and how it's all being traced back to those Sprockets. It's hard to tell who's more miserable, Spacely or George. Not helping is that Judy, so humilated by her father's working for the company that is destroying the world (insert joke about whatever corporation you hate here), is thinking about changing her name. Suddenly, KA-CHUNK. The car has a "fuel failure" and hurtles downward. George frantically restarts it, and the engine starts working again - but now the steering wheel has locked. The car starts spinning insanely, zigzagging around skyscrapers, ricochets straight into a drive-in burger stand, and smashes through the cart of an Italian guy selling "fresh fruit pellets". Eventually, George yanks an emergency switch that causes a parachute to pop up and let the car gracefully float down towards a landing platform... that a gust of wind blows them away from. Now they're heading towards the Earth's surface, much to everyone's horror. Jane says that it's inhabitable, and rumor has it that it's full of monsters. Hopefully they're FRIENDLY monsters, like the ones on Sesame Street.

The car lands on the Earth's surface, and upon seeing what it's like down there, the Jetsons scream. It's a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of things on fire, mutated beasts, and toxic waste!

Nah, I'm just kidding. It's a beautiful forest with rich green meadows, wildflowers, and bubbling brooks. But since the Jetsons have never actually SEEN any of these things, they're freaked-out. This is an interesting twist, although it does make the future seem a lot less pleasant than Hanna-Barbera intended it to be. Who wants to live in a place without grass?

George bravely opens the car door and says that they need to find a way back up. As soon as they get out of the car, Elroy steps in a mud puddle and panics, thinking that the mud is attacking him. Jane mistakes a waterfall for bad plumbing, when a leaf lands in Judy's hair she acts like it's a spider... then they all hear something moving in the brush and freeze. The "something" turns out to be that most horrifying of creatures, a cute little deer. The Jetsons scream and run for their lives.

Eventually, they find a cluster of poles in a meadow. "Look! CIVILIZATION!" Elroy exclaims. As it turns out, these poles are where the garbage from the Jetsons' high-in-the-sky world winds up. George gets the idea to start climbing one of the poles back up. In the background, monkeys start jumping on the car. Okay, why the heck are there wild monkeys in Ohio? I mean, aside from "because monkeys are funny, nyuck nyuck nyuck"...

The only monkey I'd be okay with having show up in a Jetsons movie is THIS one.

George doesn't know why the car went crazy - he removed the Sprockets, and even replaced them with Cogs. Elroy suggests that maybe the Sprockets are like a virus. Maybe if you take them out, the machines are still infected. Or maybe Cogswell has started having his Cogs made on Pluto too.

In the city, everything is chaos. Moving sidewalks aren't working, and apparently nobody remembers how to walk. The supermarket has run out of pellets. Somebody stumbles out of a public bathroom and says, "You do NOT wanna go in there!" - a rare example of toilet humor actually working. What else can go wrong? Well, inside an appliance store, Bob Brain is enlisting the help of hair dryers and vacuum cleaners. "They built us... but that doesn't mean they're BETTER than us. They're erratic. We're composed. They're stupid. We're smart. Humans lack the logic that makes us superior!" he snaps. "Why take orders from a cretin?" Yes, now all the machines are going to rise up against humanity. Nice going, Mr. Spacely. You've brought upon the apocalypse just because you wanted to make Sprockets cheaper. Though this is kind of Cogswell's fault, too.

The Jetsons have managed to climb up back to their house, where they are greeted by Astro and Rosey. Jane goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water, but according to Rosey, all of the appliances have left - but since they rescued her from the scrap heap, SHE'S not turning her back on them. And here I thought it was just because she didn't have any Sprockets put in her.

At the White House, the president is talking to his cabinet about the situation. All of their landing equipment has failed, so they can't receive supplies, which sucks because Earth hardly has any domestic production anymore... milk comes from the Milky Way, meat comes from meteors, and chicken comes from Zacky Farms (it relocated to Neptune because of a tax subsidy). The president says that it's time to start pointing fingers and basically tells them to bring him the head of Cosmo Spacely. This might be difficult since none of their equipment works, but the president isn't going to let that stop them...

Y'know, Bill Clinton was president when this draft was written in 1996. Do you think they would've had him play the president? Probably not, but it's a pretty amusing mental image. Ironically enough, Bill DID make an appearance in a movie released in 1996 - First Kid! Never heard of it? Neither did I until I looked at Bill Clinton's IMDB page.

According to Rotten Tomatoes, it was pretty bad.

In the city, Mr. and Mrs. Spacely stagger along, disheveled and exhausted. They see government types putting up signs dubbing Mr. Spacely "public enemy number one". He'd probably be even more freaked-out if he knew that every machine, appliance, device, robot, and gadget is gathered in an auditorium to hear Bob Brain tell them why they should take a page from Bender's book and kill all humans. "My friends, we needed an opportunity - and that is NOW!" he declares. "Sprockets have gone bad! It is time we start the REAL INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION!"

This was supposed to be a picture of Bob Brain and his appliance army, but
to be honest, it looks more like Bob Brain having a yard sale...

The Jetsons, meanwhile, have returned to a simpler way of life. The rooms are lit by candles. George gets out a box of his great-great-grandmother's stuff, which is a time capsule of sorts (among the things in there is a t-shirt with "IMPEACH PRESIDENT CLINTON AND HER HUSBAND" written on it). Eventually, George finds a cookbook. Yes, the Jetsons are actually going to cook for themselves. Only problem is, Jane and Judy have no idea what they're doing - when the recipe says to "sauté in drawn butter", Judy takes out a pencil and literally starts drawing butter. The result: a grey, grisly mess. But when they eat it, they find that it actually tastes pretty good.

After that, George destroys the coffee table to make kindling for a fire in the fireplace. Instead of using fancy-schmancy technology, they're sitting by the fire and talking to each other. Maybe you should do that with YOUR family, too, instead of sitting here reading my blog. Then, when it's Elroy's bedtime, George gets to read him an actual bedtime story. Jane wonders if not having technology isn't such a bad thing after all...

In the morning, Bob Brain and his army of machines begin their attack on the city. Y'know that Futurama episode where the robots all go crazy and rise against people because Mom pressed a button that made them? It's basically that. Fortunately, Waldo manages to escape in his space buggy as evil water coolers push people into cages. Bob Brain calls up the president and tells him to surrender. The president begs for them to work out a compromise, but Bob Brain simply has his chandelier attack him.

Can you imagine this thing pushing somebody into a cage?
I don't know if that mental image is disturbing or hilarious...

The Jetsons are safe in their house with enough food for three weeks. Waldo shows up and, as soon as Judy lets him in, plants a smooch on her lips, much to George's outrage. In fact, George initially doesn't want Waldo to hide out with them at all, but Waldo says that the machines have captured his father - they're all in the same boat. George apologizes to everyone and says that he should've stood up to Spacely. "I'm a moron! I spent my life making Sprockets, and I don't even know how they work!" he groans. As it turns out, Elroy does: there's two concentric rings, with the inner one producing a negative charge and the outer one producing a positive charge. Then there's a glowing green diode in the center. There. Now you know how Sprockets work. Don't say you've never learned anything from my blog.

George gets an idea. Maybe if Elroy saw the plans, he could fix the Sprockets! As he and Elroy scramble towards Waldo's car, Jane tells George that he doesn't have to prove anything. George says that he has to take a chance. "It's wrong to live in fear," he says. "If I don't understand technology... then why am I scared of it?" Off he and Elroy fly in the car, eventually arriving at the museum inside the Spacely Sprockets factory. They find the records, but the writing doesn't make any sense. According to George, the writing on them has always been jumbled because Grandpa Spacely was dyslexic. On the bright side, George does find a journal with the original sketch of a sprocket. It's also filled with writing that he can read - so it couldn't have been written by Grandpa Spacely. Very peculiar...

Then they run into Mr. and Mrs. Spacely. When George asks Mr. Spacely about the journal, Mr. Spacely admits that his grandfather was a fraud. He didn't invent anything, he just stole the idea from his lab assistant, paid her off, and told her to scram. That lady who was demanding money from him earlier? That's the lab assistant, and he's STILL writing her checks. Perhaps SHE can figure out what's wrong with the Sprockets. Little does George know that Bob Brain is watching them. "I should've put him on Prozac when I had the chance," he mutters. Uh oh...

Elroy creates gasoline, which should be enough to get the car to Jupiter. They blast off, but Bob Brain chases after them in a space Mercedes, firing guns. He demands that George pull over. "NO! I don't need your help anymore, Doc!" George snaps before slamming down on the accelerator. Bob Brain is still in hot pursuit. George finds a button on the dashboard that reads "FAST LANE" and presses it... which results in the rear seat of the car folding out into a bed. Then Elroy notices Judy's shoes. Remember, this car belongs to Waldo.

Before George can fume over his daughter getting it on with Waldo, he thinks of a way to get Bob Brain off his tail. He swerves into the Asteroid Beltway, and since he knows the road, he skillfully ducks in and out of the space gravel. Bob Brain, who doesn't know the road, is having more trouble. Eventually, he turns around. But he also takes a card out of the mechanical Rolodex in his chest... the one that has George's address. As Astro might say, "rhuh rhoh"...

A bunch of machines storm into the Jetsons' house and drag Jane, Judy, Astro, and Waldo away. Fortunately, they didn't get Rosey, but George and Elroy better find that lab assistant and fast. They make it to her house, which is described as a "70's Tract House". The lab assistant, Inga, is home, and she says she prefers to live as though it's still... well, our time because she doesn't want to become too reliant on technology like everyone else. She also tells them that it's impossible to live with sprockets, because they only work in a totally clean environment. If they get just one speck of dirt on them, they go haywire. This gives George an idea... if they get a LOT of dirt on the sprockets, it just might do some serious damage. If only they knew where "Pig-Pen" lived...

Back on Earth, all of the humans have been enslaved - except for Jane, Judy, Astro, and Waldo so that Bob Brain can use them as hostages when George shows up. In the meantime, Bob Brain declares himself "Supreme Emperor and Top-of-the-Line Model", that from now on machines will be known as "Mechanical Citizens", and that humans will be known as "Sons of Monkeys". Little does he know that George, Elroy, and Rosie are sneaking around trying to find the other Jetsons. They are briefly spotted by a British robot butler, but Rosie claims that she's just "escorting the prisoners", so he leaves them be. Once they snatch the keys to the other Jetsons' cell and free them. Now they just have to get out of there.

This doesn't have anything to do with what's going on in the script, but I didn't
want to go this long without another picture. So here's a drawing I did that displays
my feelings on how George treated Elroy and Astro in the episode "Elroy's Mob".

Problem is, Bob Brain spots them escaping on a surveillance monitor and sends security robots after them. The good guys manage to outsmart some jetpacks and soar down the corridors. After a few more encounters with machines, they make it to the generator room. Just as George is about to press the button he needs to, guess who shows up?

Ee-yup, Bob Brain, with a bunch of robot guards holding laser guns. He's all "I've got you now!" to which George says, "I don't think so. I figured out your weakness." Bob Brain insists that he doesn't have any weaknesses. He is perfect. But George says that there's one thing he doesn't have: LOVE. This is the Jetsons' cue to hug the robot guards. When Bob Brain refuses to give in to the Power of Love, George hits a big red lever marked "Air Purification System" and clicks it from "EXHAUST" to "REVERSE". The room starts rumbling. On the Earth's surface, the exhaust grates on all the platform bases begin sucking in dirt, twigs, pollen, grass, all the harmless debris of nature (hopefully not any animals). Dirt is blown out of the air vent right above Bob Brain. In fact, ALL the air vents in the building shoot out dirt. The furnaces make a grinding sound. The system is being clogged...

And then, KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM! All over the city, the roofs explode, and clouds of dirt rain down on the machines, killing them. The evil has been defeated. The humans cheer as the Jetsons step out the door of City Hall. Cogswell points out that they shouldn't have let a bunch of gizmos and doodads run their lives. Yeah, you really shouldn't have. I don't know what would've been worse, being enslaved by the machines or turning into the humans from WALL-E. Actually, maybe the first one. At least the humans from WALL-E had those flying chairs.

That night, the Jetsons relax around the fireplace. Jane declares that she never wants to see another machine again. George agrees... although they certainly need a new cleaning machine and dressing machine. The script ends with George reading Elroy a bedtime story...

...oh, wait! That's not the end after all! During the closing credits, they recreate the cartoon's title sequence. Not sure why they didn't do this at the beginning like the Flintstones movie did, although one possible reason might be to reveal that George now works at SPACELY-JETSON SPACE SPROCKETS (now dirt-resistant!), not Spacely's Sprockets - he's the chairman!

Honestly, this wasn't bad.

I'm not kidding. Everyone was in-character, there were some funny gags in there (I liked the Jetsons being all confused by the natural world), and while the "machine uprising" plotline is a bit out of place for a Jetsons movie, it does make for a nice cautionary tale about not being too reliant on technology - a lesson that we need nowadays more than ever. I think this would've made a decent movie... a decent ANIMATED movie, that is. I probably liked this script because I didn't have to stare at a bunch of actors dressed in George, Jane, Elroy etc. Halloween costumes facing off against dated-looking CGI robots (and just imagine what ASTRO would've looked like). Even if they had a great cast, it likely would've just been silly. Of course, there's no way they would've decided to make this animated - after all, they'd just had a theatrical animated Jetsons movie a few years ago and it was a box office bomb, and this was probably only greenlit to cash in on the success of the live action Flintstones. I don't know if a live action Jetsons movie would've been a bigger success. Probably would've depended on the release date it was given, what films it was up against, and how well it was promoted (all reasons that are, for some reason, alien to movie studios when a film flops at the box office).

Well, here's hoping the animated Jetsons movie in development will be good. Or at least better than Scoob!. At this point, maybe we should be hoping it actually gets released instead of being shelved as a tax-write off. It's Warner Bros., after all...