Let's Watch This - "Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild" (2005)

Many years ago, E.B. White went to sleep in a railway sleeping car, and he had a dream... a dream about "a tiny boy who acted rather like a rat". And thus, he decided to write a book called Stuart Little, about a mouse born to human parents. But let's be honest here, when you think of Stuart Little you don't think of this:

No, no, you think of THIS:

That's how Stuart looks in the 1999 movie adaptation of the book, featuring the voice of Michael J. Fox as Stuart alongside Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis, Jonathan Lipnicki, and Nathan Lane as the voice of the family cat, Snowbell. It received positive reviews and made a decent amount of money at the box office, so in 2002, a sequel was released. Stuart Little 2 got good reviews, but ended up flopping.

Then in 2005, they released the third movie - Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild. This one is animated. In CGI. By Mainframe Entertainment (you know, the guys that made ReBoot). The film wasn't released in theaters, but they were able to get Michael J. Fox to reprise his role as Stuart. And honestly, I think it's for the best that this was a direct-to-video release, because this film has "BOX OFFICE BOMB" written all over it. Why do I say that? Well, let's get started...

The film begins on a dark night in the forest. In all of his cel-shaded CGI glory, we see Stuart fighting a demon bear with glowing red eyes. Uhhhh... OKAY.

Finally, the Brave/Ratatouille crossover that we've all been waiting for!

Well, actually, that's not what's REALLY happening... actually, Stuart is in his basement, pretending to battle a wind-up toy. Which explains why the bear looked like a bad animatronic. I thought it was just a result of the bad CGI, but nope, it's because it IS a bad animatronic.

So Stuart and his family are apparently going on vacation to a cabin in the woods. Snowbell the cat (Kevin Schon) isn't looking forward to it. "Don't you hear the call of the wild?" Stuart asks him. "It's in the title of the movie, so I had to use the phrase 'call of the wild' at least ONCE." "I hate to burst your bubble, Daniel Boob," Snowbell replies (how did that joke get past the censors?), "But it's dangerous out there. And the closest YOU'VE ever been to the woods is the occasional whiff of pine air freshener." Stuart insists that he has "instinctive natural abilities". "I mean, after all, I am somewhat like a mouse." Yes, like how Shrek is "somewhat like" an ogre, or how Snoopy is "somewhat like" a dog, or how Donald Trump is "somewhat like" an ugly blowhard.

Yes, I'm still making jokes about Donald Trump. This mainly stems from the fact that A) he's an easy target, B) he likely does not read this blog, and C) even if he did, what's he gonna do, fire me?

He's actually only fifty-percent mouse. He's also ten-percent rat, twenty-percent chinchilla,
fifteen-percent wombat, and five percent chipmunk.

Stuart is confident that this summer, he's gonna prove to his parents (Hugh Laurie and Geena Davis) that he can take care of himself. After Stuart gets in the car, Snowbell's idiot cat friend Monty (Rino Romano) shows up and mocks Snowbell over the fact that he's going camping. "Now you're gonna have to rough it just like the rest of us, Mr. Fancy-Pants," he says.

And people say that Chicken Little had bad animation? I know the animators were doing
their best with the limited technology they had in 2005, but still, yeesh...

In order to get Monty off his back, Snowbell claims that they're not going camping but rather to a fancy resort called the "Hartz Mountain Resort and Spa". It's got all the things a cat needs to be happy: an all-you-can-eat kibble buffet, whisker waxing, paw-dicures, tail grooming, 24-hour Animal Planet... anything a cat would consider awesome. Monty is all "Can I come?" to which Snowbell is all "No, 'cause the Littles don't want you around. Bug off."

So the Littles leave the poorly-rendered New York City...

I've seen better graphics in iPad apps.

...and drive in their poorly-rendered car to Lake Garland. Stuart has done some research, and he's discovered that they have a group called the "Lake Scouts". They go rock-climbing, boating, exploring, stuff like that. He wants to join. His mother thinks it's too dangerous for a mouse, but his father thinks it might do him some good. And he'll be there, too, watching him every step of the way. And George (Corey Padnos) can join, too, but he's not too keen on the idea because he wants to play his stupid video game. Oh, great, we're getting one of THOSE stories... you know, the ones about the technology-obsessed kid learning to be one with nature or whatever. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Here's a fun fact: George's voice actor here, Corey Padnos, also did the voice of Linus
in a couple of Peanuts specials.

We get a lousy song as they keep driving until they reach their cabin, which looks like crap. And not just because of the low-quality animation, it's actually pretty run-down. Soon Stuart, Snowbell and George are sitting by the lake, with Stuart being all "The great outdoors is awesome!" and Snowbell being all "I hate it here!" and George still playing that video game. But they're not alone for long! Hiding in a tree is a skunk named Reeko who smells the sandwich supplies they've got with them and attempts to channel Yogi Bear.

"I'm smarter than the a-ver-age skunk!"

However, they don't notice the skunk. But what they DO notice is a young girl voiced by Tara Strong paddling over in a canoe. Her name is Brooke, and it's pretty obvious that George has a crush on her. She warns them to be careful with their cat, because otherwise the ferocious cat-eating Beast will get him. Personally, I'm just holding out hope that this "Beast" turns out to be this guy:

After Brooke paddles off, Stuart says, "If there IS a beast, it wouldn't stand a chance if I ran into it!" Snowbell leaves so he can find a place to hide from the Beast before it gets a whiff of him, but alas he winds up spotting it - or at least what he THINKS is the Beast - and runs off terrified. But as it turns out, it's not the Beast. It's Monty. He stowed away in the trunk. Snowbell tells him to leave, but then realizes that Monty is a fighter unlike him and therefore could serve as his bodyguard against the Beast and lets him stay.

That night, as Stuart sleeps, in the forest the animals are all lined up to give their droppings (or at least what LOOKS like their droppings) to the Beast. Reeko, who's voiced by Wayne Brady by the way, shows up and he begs a beaver voiced by Charlie Adler to give him some food so he won't become "Beast-chow", but the beaver won't do that. "It's because I'm a SKUNK, isn't it?" Reeko complains. "If you ask me, somebody should teach that Beast a lesson. Just once, just once, I'd like to show that two-bit tyrant the business end of my tail, know what I'm sayin'?" Then he starts doing Kung Fu moves like an idiot.

Oh, so THIS is where they got the idea for Skunk Fu!...

Alas, the Beast is RIGHT BEHIND HIM at the moment, and Reeko nervously offers it a piece of bark while doing an unfunny comedy routine. When that fails, he offers to pay the Beast double next full moon.

Then we cut to George, on the toilet, still playing that game. When he leaves, Snowbell winds up falling into the toilet. Ha ha ha, toilet humor.

After that, Stuart heads out with George and their dad on a hike through the forest. They arrive at the campground of the Lake Scouts, where Troopmaster Bickle (Peter MacNicol) is all tied up because apparently he hasn't mastered the troops yet. Mr. Little is all "Can my boys join?" to which Troopmaster Bickle is all "Sure!" and then Mr. Little is all "Can I join too?" to which Bickle is all, "Okay, you can be my assistant, I'm way in over my head."

It's time for the Skill Assessment Test. First they'll do some canoe-rowing, which proves difficult for Stuart as he struggles to lift an oar. So Mr. Little gives him a smaller canoe with a smaller oar, which works out much better for him... well, until a giant fish shows up.

Live action remake Flounder, no! Don't eat Stuart Little!

Regardless, he makes it to the shore. That night, as they're all gathered around the campfire, the scouts are handed kerchiefs... except Stuart, because he didn't do very well at the canoe-rowing thing despite the fact that it's not his fault a giant fish showed up and screwed it up for him. And Bickle's shoe catches fire. Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

Stuart is bummed, but Mr. Little gives him a pep-talk and then it's time for a montage set to another crappy pop song. Stuart fails at shooting arrows, tying knots, and bridge-crossing. Then the scouts go hiking in the woods... right after Bickle gets bird poop on his head.

Stuart has some difficulty keeping up with the other scouts. Of course, he winds up going over a large waterfall.

Rule of animation: all rivers lead to waterfalls.

I'm guessing that by now you've noticed the main formula for the movie. It's "Stuart wants to be the next Davy Crockett but his small size makes being a scout very very difficult for him."

Now Stuart has been separated from the scouts. He decides to try and find his own way back, but alas, he has no idea where to go. And he winds up stepping on a twig, which attracts the attention of THE BEAST! Cue the dramatic music!

Stuart is starting to get nervous. And as if things couldn't get any worse, then he gets grabbed by Reeko (remember him?) and assumes that he is the Beast. Reeko's all "Yeah, okay, let's go with that. I'm the Beast. Grrr. Be afraid of me."

"No Pepe Le Pew jokes, please."

Reeko acts annoying for a couple minutes, but then he smells something. "Yo..." he says, "Something stinks..." Yes, something does. Perhaps it's this movie.

Actually, it's the Beast, which means that it's chase-sequence time! After they get away from the Beast, Stuart dubs Reeko "awesome", which is Reeko's cue to launch into another unfunny comedy routine. Then we cut back to the scouts. Bickle finds a beehive and tells the scouts that it's abandoned. Because he's an idiot, he decides to prove that it's abandoned by whacking it with a stick. I'll give you one guess what happens next.

They didn't take Bickle's admission that he doesn't like Honey Nut Cheerios well...

Then we cut back to Stuart and Reeko. They see Bickle being, as Reeko puts it, "stung in the butt by a million bees". Stuart catches back up with the scouts, who apparently didn't even notice that he was missing. That night, Stuart and his family roast marshmallows by the campfire. Little do they know that Reeko is there, too, sneaking around and being annoying.

How does Stuart expect to eat that marshmallow when it's practically the size of his head?

The next day, the scouts go hiking again while Stuart goes looking for Reeko. He wants Reeko to teach him all the cool stuff that he can do in the hopes that he'll become a great scout. Reeko initially doesn't think he can do that, but then Stuart offers to pay him and he agrees. Training montage time! And we get to hear Wayne Brady sing! YAY! But he's singing a horrible rap song. I knew there had to be a catch.

After the godawful song, we cut back to Monty. He lets Snowbell know that he's hungry, but Snowbell can't sneak him some cat food because they're out. Mrs. Little tells him that Mr. Little will be back with the groceries... uh, aren't they in the middle of the woods? Where is he gonna find a grocery store?

So Monty decides to head out into the forest and find his OWN food. Snowbell tries to stop him by telling him about the Beast, but Monty doesn't believe him.

Which of these cats is more poorly-rendered? I can't decide...

Then (sigh) we cut back to Reeko. A rabbit reminds him that he promised the Beast that he'd pay it double come the next full moon. And the next full moon is TONIGHT. Cue the dramatic music again. So he finds Stuart and asks him to get some food for him. Stuart agrees, right after he has dinner with them.

So the Littles meet Reeko, and despite being surprised by the fact that there's a skunk about they make the effort to be friendly towards him.

"So, a skunk is having dinner with us... when do the caribou, the platypus, and the beluga
come over for a pajama party?"

And as it turns out, the Littles can understand Reeko... well, at least when he doesn't have his mouth full of food. Though I recall them being able to understand that bird from the second movie, so I guess this isn't much of a surprise. Plus, y'know, they can understand Stuart despite his being a mouse. After dinner, Stuart gives Reeko some food. Reeko is happy that he actually has a friend for the first time in his life.

After Reeko leaves, he realizes that the small bag of food Stuart gave him won't be enough to satisfy the Beast. Then he sees Snowbell sleeping nearby and comes up with a plan. He goes over and tells Snowbell that he's on his way to a party in the clearing right behind those trees, hintidy-hint-hint-hint. "Oh, no! Forget it! There's a vicious cat-eating beast out there!" Snowbell replies. Reeko is all, "Oh, that? The Beast is just a myth! I've never seen it, and I live in the forest so don't you think I would've seen it at least once? And if this beast DID exist, why would the animals be having a party?" This convinces Snowbell, because apparently Snowbell is a massive idiot.

Snowball, you dope.

That night, Stuart wakes up and sees Snowbell sneaking out through the window. "Where's he going?" he murmurs. Then we get another god-awful pop song as Snowbell walks to the place where all the animals are gathered with their offerings to the Beast. Little does he know that Stuart has followed him!

Here are some poorly-rendered rabbits.

Snowbell finds "the Mount Everest of edibles" and decides to chow down, unaware that the Beast is right behind him. Stuart finds him and starts climbing to the top of the big food pile to rescue Snowball, who finally sees the Beast with his own eyes. As it turns out, the Beast is a mountain lion. A poorly-rendered mountain lion.

Isn't it kind of weird that a big cat wants to eat a cat? I mean, not "Donald Duck wanting to
eat a turkey" levels of weird, but still weird...

The Beast grabs Snowbell with its teeth and carries him off to its lair while Stuart runs off to get help. By the time he gets back to the cabin, it's morning. Alas, the parents assume Stuart just had a bad dream and don't believe his story. So he decides to ask George for help.

Cut back to Snowbell and the Beast. The Beast (Virginia Madsen) feels Snowbell's fur and comments on how soft, clean and silky it is. "I have different plans for you..." she purrs. Oh, great, is this going in the direction that I think it's going in? I pray to God that they at least keep it PG... oh, wait, never mind. The Beast doesn't want Snowball - she wants his FUR. For a rug. As it gets cold in her cave in the winter. How the heck does a mountain lion know what a rug is?

In an attempt to distract the Beast, Snowbell suggests that she fatten him up for a while first. That way, she'd have a bigger rug. "More spacious." The Beast likes the idea, and serves him something to eat - mud, worms and bugs. Considering that Snowbell has the voice of Timon, it's kind of fitting, actually...

Don't worry, Snowbell, it's slimy yet satisfying.

Meanwhile, Stuart tries to enlist the help of the scouts to save Snowbell, but alas THEY don't believe him either. Not even Brooke, even though she told Stuart about the Beast in the first place. "That was just an old campfire story," she says. Bickle then decides to be a jerk by taunting Stuart over the fact that he was frightened by a giant fish earlier.

So now it's up to Stuart and Stuart alone. We get a montage of him preparing to go out and save Snowbell accompanied by a bad rock song, then he writes George a note filling him in as to where he's going. To get to the other side of the lake, he enlists the help of the giant fish.

Say, whatever happened to Monty?

The note winds up slipping out of George's video game as he's giving Brooke a hand (which results in another "ooh, look, there's something going on between them" moment). Meanwhile, Stuart tries to get Reeko to help him, but he says, "I'm staying as far away from the Beast as I can." "But you said you don't sweat the Beast," Stuart points out. Oy, now we're doing the Liar Revealed cliche. Huzzah.

"My name's not even Reeko. It's Flower."

Reeko admits that he was lying to Stuart. "I'm just a skunk. A rotten, unpopular, smelly, freeloading skunk," he tells the mouse. "Ask anyone. They'd tell you. I'd never fight the Beast. That was something I just said so... you know... you'd like me." "Well," Stuart says, "I liked you anyway." Then Stuart says that it's his fault Snowbell got taken by the Beast, because he saw him but didn't get to him in time. "Dude, you aren't the one who sent him straight into the jaws of the Beast," Reeko tells him. "Sent him? Wait a minute. What do you mean 'sent him'?" Stuart wants to know. He puts two and two together and figures out that Reeko pretty much sicced the Beast on Snowbell, and he's obviously not happy.

Reeko tries to stop him from going to fight the Beast by telling him that the Beast is a "cruel, heartless monster" and that "she doesn't care about anyone but herself." Stuart's response is, "Then you two must have a lot in common."

Dang. Did Stuart Little just BURN SOMEBODY? I'm not complaining, I'm just... wow. Soft-spoken, kindhearted mouse Stuart Little just gave somebody an epic burn. I gotta admit, I was not expecting that.

"And while I'm at it, your rap song earlier in the movie was awful."

Cut to the scouts playing tug-of-war. One of them lands on the note that Stuart wrote for George. So, yeah. Next scene. We see Stuart walking... and he falls into a hole. And then it's back to the scouts, making me wonder why they even bothered cutting to Stuart in the first place. Mr. Little finds the note... and instead of reading it decides to call out another scout for littering. And then it's back to Stuart. Boy, this movie is really disjointed...

So anyhow, the "hole" that Stuart landed in was actually a giant pawprint. He reaches the cliff where he'll find the Beast's lair and starts climbing. Then we cut to Snowbell begging the Beast for mercy. And then we cut back to the scouts. With all of this jumping around, I'm getting Histeria! flashbacks...

The Littles FINALLY notice that Stuart is missing, but they still don't read the note (mainly because the baby starts chewing on it). Meanwhile, Stuart reaches the Beast's lair and rescues Snowbell. Then the Littles finally and I mean FINALLY find that note and read it. "We've gotta take this search party to the other side of the lake!" Mr. Little exclaims. However, Bickle thinks that's "a bit much" and claims that Stuart's just looking for a little attention, I mean surely there's not REALLY a beast out there, right? Fortunately, Mr. Little tells him to shove it - "If my son says there's a Beast out there, then, by golly, there's a Beast out there." "Yeah! My brother's not a liar!" George adds. Then Brooke says, "What about 'no scout left behind'?" Mrs. Little then decides to take charge in the rescue mission.

Stuart and Snowbell try to sneak out, only to find out that the Beast isn't out there waiting for them. They figure she must have left... but she hasn't. She's right behind them! "Do you know what she wanted to do to my fur?!" Snowbell asks. "I'm reportin' her to PETA!" Alas, then they hear her roaring and it's time for a brief chase sequence.

Poorly-rendered Stuart's teeth are freaking me out...

Once the Beast has them cornered, Stuart says, "Let him go, or I'll let you have it!" And by "let you have it", he means spray salt and pepper in her eyes, which makes her sneeze and fall off the cliff to her doom... oh, wait, spoke too soon, she's still alive. Reeko and the other animals hear her roaring, and they think that Stuart got gobbled up. "Stuart, buddy," Reeko says guiltily, "You were my first real friend and I did you wrong." A beaver then snarks, "Is that Reeko actually thinking about someone else for a change?" Way to ruin the mood, beaver. Reeko then says that he should've had the courage to stand up to the Beast a long time ago, and admits that he was a jerk for mooching off the other animals.

No, seriously, what DID happen to Monty?

Reeko announces that they should go defeat the Beast. Alas, the other animals are too afraid, so Reeko just heads off on his own. Meanwhile, the Beast is catching up to Stuart and Snowbell, but Stuart's got a plan: "We need to start pulling roots, leaves and branches," he says. Snowbell's response is, "We're... landscaping. Forgive me if I'm not overwhelmed with confidence." Stuart's plan is to lure the Beast into a trap, but alas, Snowbell accidentally gives it away and she simply jumps over it. You had ONE JOB, Snowball!

Thankfully, Reeko shows up just as the Beast is about to eat Stuart. "You wanna eat them, you're gonna have to go through ME first!" the skunk snaps. Then the other animals - the beaver, the rabbits, etc. - show up and announce that Reeko's got backup.

Please just defeat her so we can end the movie already.

"TALK TO THE BUTT!" Reeko shouts right before spraying the Beast, as skunks in cartoons are known to do. While she's distracted, Stuart and the animals manage to lure the Beast into another trap. "Your decorating days are done!" Snowbell exclaims as the Beast gets all tangled up. Hooray, she's been defeated!

You know, if you're dumb enough to sneak up on a skunk from behind, you deserve to get
sprayed.

The Littles and the scouts show up and discover that Stuart defeated the Beast (well, technically it was Reeko, but Stuart played a big part in it too, so...). A zoo helicopter comes by to take the Beast away. Stuart finally gets a gold neckerchief, the other scouts think he's awesome, Bickle apologizes for doubting Stuart, and soon it's time for the Littles to head home... but not before Monty finally shows up again. Where has he been? Why, the Hartz Mountain Resort and Spa, of course! He only left because it just closed for the season. Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

Oh, and the little romance between George and Brooke gets a resolution, too - George gives Brooke his video game. And his phone number. And his email address. And Brooke, in return, gives George a kiss. Ah, young love!

Stuart thanks Reeko for all his help, and it turns out that the other animals all like Reeko now. "Funny thing, though..." he says, "I always thought they didn't want me around because I was a skunk. Well, you know, it turns out they didn't want me around because I was a jerk." But all that's changed thanks to Stuart.

So the Littles drive off, and the movie is finally over. Oh, and during the credits we get a reprise of Reeko's horrid rap song. Yay.

Again, I'm sure these graphics looked better in 2005, but nowadays? Yeesh...

I mean no disrespect towards the director, the producer, the writers, or anybody else involved in the film but... boy, was this movie lame. Not only did they manage to make Wayne Brady unfunny (how exactly do you accomplish that?), but it's got other problems. The jokes are painful, the story is weak, Reeko is annoying, and the animation is horrendous. The only good thing about this movie is that Tara Strong is in it. Well, that and Kevin Schon's spot-on Nathan Lane impression, but I already knew about that since I watch a lot of Timon and Pumbaa. Also, the songs stunk (and no, that's not a joke about the fact that one of the main characters is a skunk). Though Stuart is as likable as always, he can't save this movie from being a snorefest. Young kids will probably like it, but unless you're under the age of 12, I wouldn't recommend giving this movie a watch.

Next time on "Let's Watch This", we'll be traveling back in time to the Stone Age for a look at a 1990s cartoon called Cro. But first, I'm going to introduce a new series on my blog...