Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Speed Buggy"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

It's been too long since I've reviewed a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Let's fix that, shall we?

Speed Buggy is another cartoon that owes its existence to Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?. As we've established, that show's popularity led to many, many other cartoons about at least three teenagers and something out of the ordinary - a talking dog, a talking shark, a ghost - solving mysteries. This time, the Fred, Daphne, and Shaggy clones were teamed up with a talking car voiced by Mel Blanc. Other inspirations for the show were Disney's 1968 film The Love Bug and Speed Racer.

The show was created by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera and premiered on CBS in September 1973. One season, consisting of sixteen episodes, was produced. Like most of the Scooby-Doo cash-grabs made during this time period, it didn't reach that show's level of success (though critics apparently liked it). Over the years, it's rerun on channels like Cartoon Network and Boomerang, and Speed Buggy has made cameos in other shows like Johnny Bravo, Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated, and Futurama.

Our main characters: Speed Buggy, Mark, Debbie, and Tinker.

I've watched most of the Scooby-Doo cash-grabs for this blog. As a rule of thumb, the more similar to Scooby-Doo they are, the lousier they are too. Fangface was mediocre at best, and Goober and the Ghost Chasers had nothing going for it. On the flip side, I thought The Funky Phantom was worth a watch, mostly for the Funky Phantom himself. Jabberjaw was okay. I've actually watched several episodes of Speed Buggy before doing this review, and I think it's probably the best of the Scooby-Doo clones. Of course, there are still a lot more that I need to review (I'm sure I'll do Clue Club at some point). Why do I say that? Well, let's watch the eleventh episode of the show, "The Ringmaster", and I'll go into more detail on why Speed Buggy is better than you might think...

The episode starts off with Speed Buggy and his pals Mark (voiced by Michael Bell), Tinker (Phil Luther Jr.) and Debbie (Arlene Golonka) racing in the Bayou 500. You'd think a race in the bayou would involve boats as opposed to cars, what with most of the bayou being water. Of course, Speed Buggy is not an ordinary car. Even aside from the whole "he can talk" thing, Tinker has outfitted him with all sorts of gadgets and abilities. See, he's TOTALLY different from Shaggy - Shaggy isn't a mechanic!

As for Mark and Debbie, yeah, they're pretty much just Fred and Daphne 5.0, but there's one thing worth noting... Debbie is the leader of the team, not Mark. I think there's still ONE episode where she gets captured by the bad guy, but that's it. To be fair, though, Daphne didn't get captured that much in the original show either.

Sure, the Mystery Machine is more iconic, but can it DRIVE ON WATER?

"Keeping us on course in this swamp is like looking for a needle in a wet haystack!" Debbie groans, looking at the map. Then we cut to... a circus tent? Set up in the middle of a swamp? Who are the Ringling Brothers expecting to come see the show, Shrek?

From out of the tent emerges the titular Ringmaster. He plays a pan flute and some animals emerge from smaller tents in front of him: an elephant, a giraffe, a zebra, a gorilla, a cheetah, and a crocodile. The giraffe has a video camera on its head and makes sounds like an injured bird. Y'know, as giraffes often do.

That's an awfully small crocodile. Maybe it's actually a caiman?

The giraffe's video camera, it seems, is there to alert the Ringmaster of anyone approaching his island. And when he sees that Speed Buggy and his compadres are on their way, he is not pleased. You'd think he'd be happier to see what could just be paying customers - I mean, obviously this guy is up to something EEEEEEEEE-VIL, but they have no way of knowing that yet. Paranoid much, Ringmaster?

"Ugh. I've always liked Captain Caveman better."

To prevent the kids' arriving on his island, the Ringmaster raises the drawbridge... which only goes up AFTER Speed Buggy and his friends drive over it. I'm not sure if it's still cool to say "EPIC FAIL", but that's the perfect way of describing what just occured. They drive right up to the guy and he demands to know in his weird accent I can't figure out (I want to say British, but I genuinely have no idea) what they're doing on his island.

Sir Topham Hatt does not approve.

"Don't get uptight, Napoleon! Just give us some directions and we'll leave your precious island!" Debbie declares. Dang, that's a pretty gutsy thing to say. I guess now we know why Debbie's the one who wears the pants in this quartet. Although I'm not sure "Napoleon" is the wittiest thing to call this guy, seeing as he's much taller (unless he's wearing stilts under those pants. That's a distinct possibility).

"You can't leave! You've seen too much!" the Ringmaster snaps. What do you mean they've "seen too much"? They haven't seen anything outside of you. They just got there! They haven't given you any indication that they've noticed the tents, or the animals, or your trapeze artists and clowns assuming you even have them. Speed Buggy tries to drive away, but the Ringmaster orders the animals to stop them, which they accomplish rather easily.

Take a look at the elephant's face. That expression manages to be both disturbing and hilarious at the same time.

"Smile! You're on Giraffe Camera!"

The Ringmaster traps Speed, Mark, Debbie, and Tinker in a cage and dubs himself the best animal trainer and ringmaster the world has ever known. But he doesn't actually run a circus, which explains the lack of clowns, trapeze artists and cotton candy vendors. No, no - his animals are a prototype of an entire animal army that he's going to use to take over the world.

He demonstrates how he'll do it. He's built a set meant to represent any government building in the world. First, he'll have the giraffe spy on the folks inside the building with his video camera.

"We have incriminating evidence against Richard Nixon! 'I am not a crook'
my spotted rear end!"

The video camera is hooked up to some sort of monitor, showing the Ringmaster that the office is empty. When he points this out to the good guys, Mark says, "Yeah, just like your head!" as opposed to "Of course it's empty, you mook, it's not a real government building."

Next, the Ringmaster sends in the gorilla and the crocodile to sneak into the building, and then the zebra to break down the door... which seems kind of pointless if the gorilla and crocodile have snuck in already, but what do I know, I'm not a supervillain. Then, when the gorilla and crocodile wheel out a safe, he has the elephant jump up and down on top of it to get it open. Uh, one small problem with this: elephants can't jump. No, really. Look it up. 

I know it's stupid to bring realism into a cartoon with a sentient talking car, just thought
I'd bring it up.

Then the cheetah will steal the contents of the safe - top-secret papers - and bring it to the Ringmaster. He boasts that his animal army will be unstoppable. Unless the government brings in a big game hunter, I suppose.

That night, Debbie attempts to bend the bars of the cage they're in, but fails at it for the obvious reason that she is not Hercules or a cartoon gorilla. "Don't just stand there, give me a hand!" she tells Mark and Tinker... to which they start clapping, a genuinely very funny joke.

I like to think that they actually knew what she meant, they're just trolling her. In fact,
that might have been the indication.

Then Tinker gets an idea. He removes Speed's back tires - which Speed comments makes him feel naked, another genuinely funny joke - so that Speed can use them to cut through the floor of the cage like a buzzsaw.

So, do the good guys have a plan to foil the Ringmaster's plot to use animals to take over the world? Nope, they're just going to make a run for it. Can't say I blame them. I mean, they'd be going up against a gorilla, a cheetah, a crocodile, and an elephant. The Ringmaster could just order the elephant to sit on them and they'd be flattened into pancakes. Or he could have the crocodile eat them.

Well, he could have the crocodile eat Mark, Tinker, and Debbie anyway. I don't think it's
possible for a crocodile to eat a car.

Unsurprisingly, Mr. Monopoly's evil twin is not pleased to discover that Speed Buggy and his amigos have escaped. He orders his animals to make sure they do not get off the island, but by this point they're back in the bayou so I guess that ship has sailed. He has the zebra put a giant rock in their path, but Speedy manages to drive on top of the rock and turn the tables on the black and white horse. Good guys: 1, Ringmaster: zilch.

"Suddenly, I feel like Indiana Jones!"

Next, the Ringmaster has the elephant jump off a hill onto Speed and his chums (even though, again, elephants can't jump), only for the elephant to wind up landing on top of the crocodile instead. It's a good thing Speed lives up to his name, otherwise he and his pals would've been stickers on a pachyderm's portly posterior.

"OH, GOD, MY SPINE! I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW!"

The Ringmaster sends the giraffe out after that, and by this point Speedy is starting to get tired. So they get the idea to hide under the giraffe's stomach. It doesn't work.

"Hey, that's a private area!"

They make it to the bridge... so I guess they're not off the island yet after all? Anyhow, the bridge is still up, but Speed has the ability to inflate his tires by holding his breath, allowing him to drive on water. "This looks like a job for my frog man!" the Ringmaster declares. Disappointingly, he doesn't mean an actual half-frog/half-human hybrid monster, which would've been pretty cool. He means the crocodile. Which is still cool, but "frog man" seems like a strange thing to call a crocodile.

The crocodile chases them back onto the island, and they decide to hide out in the circus tent... only for the giraffe to spot them anyway. The animals surround them inside, but Debbie gets another idea. If they can steal the Ringmaster's piccolo, maybe THEY can control the animals. But first, it's time for a chase scene with WHACKY SHENANIGANS!

As I've said before, walking across a tightrope is one thing I think you'd have to be crazy
to do. At least without a net or a million fluffy pillows underneath it.

Mark eventually manages to steal the flute... and promptly drops it. Speed Buggy drives over it, which somehow removes its ability to control the animals, as the Ringmaster discovers. Or at least it removes the RINGMASTER's ability to control the animals - Debbie is able to use it to control the elephant. Somehow. I have no idea how that thing works.

"We're fed up with working for peanuts! We demand a raise in pay or we'll maul you like
the wild animals we are!"

After he is subjected to more WHACKY SHENANIGANS, they manage to defeat the Ringmaster. And they even have enough time to finish the race! I guess the other racers were just standing around waiting for them to return to continue. How nice of them.

They manage to win the race, but it wasn't easy for Speedy - he had to tow all those circus wagons behind him. Inside those wagons are the Ringmaster, who's going to jail, and the animals, who are going to the zoo.

I like how nobody in the crowd seems at all confused by this.

What's the Verdict?

Speed Buggy is a fun show. Like most of Hanna-Barbera's work, it's so unapologetically goofy that it's hard not to enjoy it. And as far as Scooby-Doo clones go, it manages to stand on its own the most. Likely because instead of ghosts and monsters, the characters go up against crazy supervillains. Of the characters, it's Speed Buggy himself who I like the most, followed by Debbie. Mark and Tinker are good too, but the Fred and Shaggy similarities are pretty blatant. Debbie feels distinct enough from Daphne in a way that, say, April from The Funky Phantom doesn't. And she has a lot of great lines. But let's be honest, it's Speedy who we came to watch, and it's hard not to love him. He may very well be the cutest cartoon car I've ever seen. Plus, he's voiced by Mel Blanc, so he has that going for him too.

Of course, the show isn't flawless (what is?). The animation has several errors, but I've seen far worse. But as a whole, I think Speed Buggy is better than the internet gives it credit for and deserves better than to just get lumped in with other examples of Hanna-Barbera copying itself when the internet feels like taking the studio down a peg. And, honestly, even if a show was made to cash in on the success of another, extremely popular show, does that automatically make it bad? I mean, The Owl House was clearly greenlit to cash in on the success of Gravity Falls but a lot of people really like THAT show*!

If you'd like to watch Speed Buggy for yourself, you'll need either MeTV Toons or the show's DVD release. There aren't any full episodes on YouTube or the Internet Archive, and the only streaming services it's on are ones that I don't have.

Rating: Four needles in a wet haystack out of five. One of Hanna-Barbera's better 1970s cartoons.

* Please note that I consider The Owl House okay myself (I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's fine for what it is), but you can't deny that it was another show greenlit by Disney to cash in on the success of Gravity Falls. Granted, the shows themselves probably aren't THAT similar, but the whole "mysterious goings-on and magic stuff" premise, the wacky and quirky female lead, and the presence of Alex Hirsch as a character are certainly eyebrow-raising.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Bailey's Comets"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

I recently recieved a copy of Mark Arnold's book Think Pink! The DePatie-Freleng Story for Christmas, and it reminded me that I haven't talked much about DePatie-Freleng Enterprises on this blog. These guys seem to get a bad rap nowadays, mostly because of their work with the Looney Tunes characters (they did most of those shorts where Daffy Duck faces off against Speedy Gonzales), but I've always had a fondness for them. Most of that, of course, stems from the fact that I love the Pink Panther, but they also gave us (among other things) the Inspector, the Ant and the Aardvark, Misterjaw, the Blue Racer, and all those Dr. Seuss specials from the 1970s. You gotta at least give 'em credit for THAT.

DePatie-Freling Enterprises made a lot of cartoons - not quite as many as Hanna-Barbera, but still a lot - and most of those are rather obscure today. Which means I have a bumper crop of material for my blog. I previously attempted to write reviews of their Dr. Dolittle cartoon and The Oddball Couple (which was The Odd Couple except animated and they were a cat and a dog), but neither one gave me enough joke material. While reading the book, however, I found one particular cartoon that seemed like a good choice to review on this blog: Bailey's Comets.

Created by David DePatie, Friz Freleng, Joe Ruby, and Ken Spears, this show premiered in September 1973 and is apparently considered one of the crappiest things DePatie-Freleng ever created. It was such a failure that DePatie-Freleng wasn't able to create another new series until 1975 and resulted in the cancelation of a cartoon about Evel Knievel cartoon they were working on that was supposed to premiere in 1974. Only sixteen episodes, each one consisting of two segments, were produced.

Why does the show exist? Roller derby was popular in the 1970s and Hanna-Barbera's Wacky Races was successful. I guess the mindset was that if you did a clone of Wacky Races where fifteen roller derby teams compete to find treasure, you'd have a hit on your hands. They did not. One of the animators, Martin Strudler, dubbed the show a disaster. "It was six teams on roller derbies and each team had to be six members. There were witches and one with hillbillies, etc. and you had to do them roller-skating," he said. "You had to animate six characters roller-skating right and then six characters roller-skating left and then six characters roller-skating towards the camera and then six characters skating away from the camera on six different teams. So, we were animating forever with that because there had to be stock footage while they were racing around the world. Then we had to do the backgrounds because the race went to Paris and we had to do Paris backgrounds... Today they would do it with a computer and it would be five times as fast, but this was all hand animated; six characters and eight drawings for each foot. It was 16 drawings before you could start a repeat and six different teams. It was a huge amount of work. I don't think they realized that when they got started. They signed on for it and then they had to do it. Dave DePatie had a fit. He was on the business side. The art directors did it in order to sell it and I don't think he knew what he was getting into when he signed on for it. Boy, it was a toughie."

The titular Bailey's Comets, one of fifteen roller derby teams featured in the show.

You can currently find a few episodes of Bailey's Comets on YouTube (there's apparently never been a home media release for the show, with the possible exception of a bootleg DVD or two), not in the greatest quality but beggars can't be choosers. We're going to watch the seventh episode of the show, which consists of the segments "Transylvania Mad Transit" and "Philippine Flip-Flop", to see if it's as bad as people claim. Who knows? Maybe there's SOMETHING of substance here...

"Transylvania Mad Transit" begins with the teams racing across the Transylvania countryside to Frankenstein's castle, where the next clue to the million dollar prize will be. The show's commentators, Gabby (voiced by Frank Welker) and Dooter Roo (voiced by Daws Butler), tell us that Bailey's Comets is in first place. The team consists of handsome leader Barnaby Bailey (voiced by Carl Esser), his blonde maybe-sorta-girlfriend Candy (Karen Smith), red-haired Brooklyn-accented Sarge (Kathy Gori), bespectacled team mechanic Wheelie (Jim Begg), ditzy Bunny (Sarah Kennedy), and chubby Pudge (Frank Welker). Since they're the main characters, they're the only team that doesn't have a gimmick.

No, wearing white and red is not a gimmick. Sorry, guys.

In second place are the Jekyll-Hydes, a bunch of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde clones.

"I was JEKYLL-JEKYLL-HYDE-JEKYLL-HYDE-HYDE-JEKYLL,
JEKYLL-JEKYLL-HYDE-JEKYLL-HYDE!"

And in third place are the Broomer Girls, a group of witches who aren't actually roller-skating but rather riding their brooms... but the brooms have roller skates on them, so I guess that's allowed?

Please forgive the mediocre quality of the screencaps.

The witches are also allowed to use their powers to sabotage the other teams, apparently. Specifically, they conjure up a rainstorm above the heads of Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes. Is this in the rules, or are the Broomer Girls just like Dick Dastardly in that they don't give a crap about the rules?

"We'd better find some shelter before we're washed out of the race!" Barnaby points out. Fortunately, there's a castle up ahead. Unfortunately, the castle belongs to a vampire. And not just ANY vampire - the one and only Dr. Dracula! Yes, Dracula has a medical degree. I'm learning so much today!

Also here is his dimwitted assistant, Igor. Everybody say "Hi" to Igor.

I thought Igor was Dr. Frankenstein's assistant. I guess he's a freelancer?

Dracula has just completed a "Transylvania People-Transformer" and needs some humans to test it on. And what luck, Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes skate right through the front door. With them apparently out of the race, the Broomer Girls are in the lead, followed by the Mystery Mob - a team of skaters always stuck in a big cloud of dust, so no one knows what they look like (saving the animators the trouble of having to design another team) - and the Ramblin' Rivets - which consist of a diminuitive professor (also Daws Butler) and some robots he built - fighting for second place.

Isn't it kind of funny how both Wacky Races AND this show feature a racer who's also a
mechanically-minded genius? But I'm sure it's just a coincidence. He said sarcastically.

One of the robots has a vaccuum cleaner built into it, which it uses to suck up the Mystery Mob and spit them out behind them. Again, I'm just gonna have to assume that this is okayed by the rules. If not, the Ramblin' Rivets should be disqualified.

Meanwhile, the Jekyll-Hydes and Bailey's Comets are still inside the castle. Funny thing is, Gabby straight up refers to it as the "house of Dracula", so if he knows that Dracula lives there, why on Earth didn't he warn Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes not to go in? Would that be interferring with the race too much or something? Does he WANT to see them get their blood sucked out of them?

Actually, even though Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes were previously seen skating into the castle, now they're just standing at the front door - and NOT in the rain, which means there's no reason for them to go inside anymore. I mean, aside from "because the plot demands it". When Bunny attempts to ring the doorbell, she just winds up honking Dracula's schnozz.

"Honk honk!"

Dracula opens the door, welcomes the teams, and then sends them down a trapdoor. Well, at least he was polite enough to welcome them first. Meanwhile, Barnaby and Candy peek through the castle's basement window and are horrified to see their team and the Jekyll-Hydes hooked up to some strange machine.

Dracula explains that with his Transylvania People-Transformer, he will "make the Comets act like the Jekyll-Hydes and the Jekyll-Hydes act like the Comets". So, it's not a "transformer", it's just a brain-swapping device. And apparently it doesn't even work the way it's intended, because when Igor pulls the switch, Bunny winds up in Pudge's body, Pudge is in Sarge's body (by the way, who the heck names their kid "Sarge"?), and Wheelie is in Bunny's body.

By the way, Wheelie calls Pudge "Banana Brain" a lot. I don't know what his problem is.

"You goofed, Igor! THIS is the right switch!" Dracula claims, and when he pulls it, it turns out the machine DOESN'T just swap brains after all: the Comets are turned into Mr. Hyde-esque monsters, and the Jekyll-Hydes, who are in their Mr. Hyde forms, become cheery humans. Then Dracula just lets them leave the castle and head back into the race... wait, he's not gonna keep him as slaves or anything? Then what was the point of even doing this? Oh, right, right. For SCIENCE!

Meanwhile, the other teams are still doing just fine in the race. In the lead are the Gargantuan Giants, a football team so big that you can only see their roller skates, which their normal-sized coach rides on.

"I knew making them take steroids once a day for three days was a good idea!"

Right behind them are the Slag Brothers... uh, I mean the Stone Rollers, three cavemen and a dinosaur who I guess stumbled upon a time machine and came to the 1970s.

I suppose there's a Flintstones joke I could make here, but I can't think of anything funny.

And in third place are the Cosmic Rays, who are aliens riding around in a skating UFO. Okay, who let that one pigeon from Bolt onto the show's crew?

"Huh. According to this map, we were supposed to take a LEFT turn at the London Eye..."

"Blast it, Renaldo! I TOLD YOU this wasn't Roswell!"

And then there are the Hairy Mountain Red Eyes, a group of hillbillies. Gee, I wonder which Wacky Races character THESE guys are inspired by... maybe the Ant Hill Mob?

Their arch-enemy? Clear Eyes. Get it?

And the Rockin' Rollers, a band consisting of hippies. If this show had become a big hit, there would probably be a lot of jokes online about them being stoners. That's just how the internet works.

Why do so few of the roller-skaters in this show wear helmets? Maybe the blonde one
thinks that his puffy afro will protect his head or something, I don't know...

And, of course, the Roller Bears (I guess this is supposed to be a pun on "polar bears", even though none of the bears are white), five bears who learned how to roller-skate and constantly laugh like idiots. See, Wacky Races only had ONE bear as part of the cast. THIS show has FIVE. So it's TOTALLY different from Wacky Races!

"Hey, what's that weird pipe-shaped thing above our heads?"

"I don't know, but it makes me laugh for some reason!"

As for the Comets... well, they look pretty much the same, aside from their skin having a bit of a green-ish tint to it... but now they're acting like Dick Dastardly and have decided to lure Barnaby and Candy into a trap. For some reason.

Is it weird that I'm wondering where they got the giant cage?

Not content with just trapping them in a cage, the other Comets put the cage on a teeter-totter sitting under a large boulder danging from a rope tied to a log hanging off a cliff. When the candle burns through the rope, down the boulder will fall, hitting the teeter-totter and catapulting Barnaby and Candy out of the race. I guess turning EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL made Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny forget that Barnaby and Candy are on their team. And, honestly, I think even Wile E. Coyote would find this needlessly complicated.

Fortunately, as they're skating away cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West, a puff of smoke appears and Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny change back to normal... except they're British now a la Dr. Jekyll. They quickly save Barnaby and Candy from the trap... but for some reason don't bother to free them from the cage.

I honestly want to see what the now-nice Mr. Hydes are up to. Are they still in Dracula's castle?

Alas, they're only Jekyll-esque for a few seconds before turning back into EEEEEEE-VIL Mr. Hyde wannabes. So they drag them back to the trap... but then turn into Dr. Jekylls again and carry them away from the trap. Then they turn into Mr. Hydes and carry them back to the trap. And this time, after putting them back on the teeter-totter, they stand on top of the cage and revel in how nasty they are. I would love it if the boulder suddenly fell onto the tap while they were doing this, sending THEM flying to kingdom come with Barnaby and Candy. That would honestly be pretty funny.

That candle is sure taking its sweet time burning through the rope, isn't it?

I actually wasn't expecting that to happen, but guess what? It does! As soon as Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny turn back into Dr. Jekylls, the boulder falls down and launches them into the air.

After landing painfully, Barnaby points out that the only way they're gonna get back in the race is by getting the Jekyll-Hydes, going back to Dracula's place, and changing everyone back to normal. They find the Jekyll-Hydes off-camera and go back to the castle, but the Comets go all Mr. Hyde again, and during the ensuing chase they wind up smashing into the machine... which somehow changes them and the Jekyll-Hydes back to normal. Oh-kaaaaaaaaay then...

"My skin is so soft! That new lotion I bought is doing wonders!"

Thus, everyone is back to normal - except for Dracula and Igor, who are now in each other's bodies. For some reason. The other teams, meanwhile, have reached Frankenstein's castle and found the million dollar clue. When the Comets reach the castle, they meet Frankenstein's Monster himself, who tells them to take Highway 102. And the Broomer Girls get no comeuppance for starting this whole mess in the first place. Next segment!

Now the racers are in the Philippines, and the Comets are having trouble regaining their lead. Fortunately, Wheelie has "Hippety-Hop Grasshopper Skates" to help them. Maybe I'm just weird, but to me, leaping through the air and roller skates sound like a dangerous combination.

"I yanked the legs off an actual grasshopper. Come at me, PETA!"

I expected the "Grasshopper Skates" to backfire spectacularly in a comedic way because that's usually how inventions in 1970s cartoons work, but nope, they work just fine. Soon the Comets are hopping around like a kangaroo right by the hillbillies and the professor and his robots, but the Yo-Ho-Hos - pirates who ride a raft with roller skates on it - aren't going to stand for this.

I like how they don't have an actual mast, just a guy holding a tiny sail. They're pirates on a
budget.

What do the pirates do? They push the Comets, the Red Eyes, and Ramblin' Rivets off a cliff. How is THIS allowed in the rule book? On the bright side, the pirates wind up getting knocked off the cliff as well. I believe this is what is known as "karma".

Fortunately, the Comets have airbags in their roller skates - always be prepared - and they all land in a mysterious valley. The race continues, with the Cosmic Rays in the lead. In second place are the Roller Coasters, consisting of a ringmaster, a fat lady in a tutu, a strongman, a clown, a lion, and a skinny guy with an extremely long neck (the kind that could get one mistaken for a giraffe). I've heard of a flying circus, but a roller-skating circus? That's just absurd!

Seriously, that guy's neck is so long, when it rains, he's probably the first to know.

And in third place? The Texas Black Hats, a group of outlaws riding on roller-skating horses.

Jeez, the quality of the screencaps is getting worse...

Eventually, the Comets find a village of natives - and a giant lizard! Like, at what point do we start calling it a dinosaur? Barnaby, Candy, Wheelie, Bunny, and Sarge manage to get away, but Pudge isn't so lucky. Still, he manages to defeat the lizard through WACKY SHENANIGANS!

I'm going to assume this is a monitor lizard, which can indeed grow pretty big. Although they
generally do not eat humans...

Because he saved them all from the giant lizard, the natives dub Pudge their new leader. The others tell him that he can't be their leader because of, you know, the race, but the natives aren't going to take "no" for an answer. If he won't be their leader, he tells them, he can't leave at all... unless he defeats their champion.

Okay, what the heck is a gorilla doing in the Philippines? There aren't any gorillas in the Philippines. I don't think there are even any big apes there. What, did this gorilla come to the Philippines on vacation and get captured by the natives there? If so, no wonder he's so angry...

So it's either be king or fight the gorilla. But Barnaby has another idea - Wheelie apparently designed skates with little shovels in them, so they can just tunnel out of the village. This, however, might be difficult because the Ramblin' Rivets, the Red Eyes, and the Yo-Ho-Hos are determined to keep the Comets from ever leaving the valley. I guess this is because they think it'll increase their chances of winning. Or maybe Barnaby said that they looked like dorks or something.

Yes, the professor has a German accent. He's a professor in a cartoon, of course he has
a German accent.

It's time for Pudge to wrestle the gorilla, and he can't even use his "Grasshopper Skates" because the leader of the Yo-Ho-Hos swapped them out for normal ones. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

"Do you know how long it took me to find a bag of giant golf clubs? They cost, like,
two hundred bucks on eBay, but it was totally worth it."

Eventually, the Comets decide to just make a run for it. Bunny calms the gorilla down by singing (music soothes the savage beast, as they say), and Barnaby uses "Port-a-Bridge Blastoff Skates" to make it across a ravine and create a bridge for the other Comets to cross. Kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?

After rejoining the race, the Comets make it to the volcano where the clue is. Of course, because it's a volcano in a cartoon, the volcano erupts, but there's a message in the smoke it emits. I'm not sure how whoever set up the race did this, I'm going to assume that they used magic. The clue is "TAKE THE BING BING BANG BARGE TO THE NEXT CLUE!" And again, no reprecussions for the Ramblin' Rivets, the Red Eyes, or the Yo-Ho-Hos. Shouldn't they at least get points off or something?

What's the Verdict?

"You got your Josie and the Pussycats in my Wacky Races!"

"Well, YOU got YOUR Wacky Races into MY Josie and the Pussycats!"

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. This isn't the absolute worst cartoon ever, but much like The Oddball Couple, there's not much of substance here. It's incredibly mediocre. You know how a lot of people badmouth Hanna-Barbera's 1970s output? This is what people think shows like Speed Buggy and The Funky Phantom are like. Just take a popular Hanna-Barbera cartoon and copy it. In fact, as stated above, this cartoon attempts to be both Wacky Races AND Josie and the Pussycats at the same time - except instead of an automobile race or a rock band, the six teens winding up in these weird situations and dealing with bizarre  villains and monsters are in a roller derby. Speaking of which, there are too many characters - there's a reason why most of the characters in Wacky Races weren't teams. At most, you'd have two racers in one car, but the only actual "team" was the Ant Hill Mob. As a result, most of the characters seem underdeveloped, even the ones who actually had focus in these episodes.

Did the show deserve to be such a spectacular failure? Probably not, but it's still pretty weak. My advice: either stick with Wacky Races or watch that Pink Panther cartoon where he gets roller skates. You'll have more fun. Trust me.

Let's Watch This: "Frosty's Winter Wonderland" (1976)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

I guess somebody at Rankin-Bass really liked the idea of doing sequels to their most iconic TV specials in 1976, because they made TWO OF THEM that year. And you thought Rudolph's Shiny New Year was the only one that year, didn't you? No, there is another.

Frosty's Winter Wonderland is the first of three sequels that have been made to Frosty the Snowman. I was originally going to do a review of Frosty Returns this year, but I decided it'd make more sense to review the Frosty sequels in order. Just like the first special, Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin, Jr. served as the directors and Romeo Miller wrote the script. They even got Jackie Vernon back as the voice of Frosty.

The special first premiered on ABC in December 1976. Since then, it's reaired on various networks over the years, but I've never actually watched the whole thing. I guess I just wasn't super-eager to watch a special where plot is "Frosty gets a wife", plus it was years before I could actually rewatch Frosty the Snowman without turning it off before the greenhouse scene.

For whatever reason, this special seems to have kind of a negative reception online. Most of the reviews I've found of it are negative. Let's see which side of the fence I'll fall on. This is Frosty's Winter Wonderland.

The special starts off with some kids building a snowman - a snowman who is clearly NOT Frosty, as evidenced by the fact that he's wearing a straw hat as opposed to a top hat, his nose is a carrot instead of a button, and the lack of a corncob pipe. The kids acknowledge that this snowman isn't gonna spring to life, since only Frosty can do that. Well, and Olaf. And fellow Rankin-Bass character Sam the Snowman. And Snowden (he's a toy, yeah, but he's a toy SNOWMAN, so he counts).

This snowman does have one thing that Frosty doesn't, however - eyes that stare directly
into your soul.

Our narrator, Andy Griffith, shows up and assures the kids that Frosty will return. "You all remember that day Frosty left," he says. Despite the special's wanting us to believe that they are, these are clearly not the same kids from the original special. This is what the kids from the first special looked like:

None of the kids in this special look anything like that. Particularly noticeable is that Karen, the only one of those kids to get a name, is nowhere to be found here. The rabbit doesn't show up in this one either.

As for Frosty himself, he's still hanging out up at the North Pole, now wearing a nice scarf but otherwise looking more or less the same as he did in the first special. Rankin-Bass knew better than to mess with the design of their second most iconic character.

I think his head is a bit wider now, too.

A gust of wind blows a newspaper into Frosty's face, and he sees an article about how the first snow of the season has arrived in... whatever the name of the town from the original special is. Since it's nice and cold there, Frosty can head back without worrying about melting. But first, he heads back to his house, which seems to be mostly made out of ice... Elsa would probably approve...

He writes the kids a letter saying that he's on his way. Huh, he knows how to write now? In the first special he couldn't even count to ten. Frosty's getting smarter. Good for him.

The kids are all very excited to find out that Frosty's coming back, and Andy Griffith tells us that he's got a very special surprise waiting for him when he gets there. "You've heard the old familiar tale, how Frosty came to life..." he says. "But do you know the story... of how Frosty... took a wife?"

"You're probably wondering where Karen and that rabbit from the first special are.
I have no idea. I'm just the narrator here..."

Frosty arrives back in whatever the name of this town is off-camera (no heartwarming reunion scene? Drat) and soon he and the kids are having a lot of fun. But somebody does not approve of Frosty's presence: Jack Frost. A very different Jack Frost than the one featured in the Rankin-Bass special of the same name. This Jack Frost, voiced by Paul Frees, is mad that Frosty is more popular than he is. "Why don't the children love ME? I'M the one who makes winter wonderful!" he complains. 

Just wait until 2012, Jack - after Rise of the Guardians is released, you'll be more popular than ever. Sure, everybody loves Frosty, but does he have a million pieces of fanart on Tumblr? Or hundreds of fanfictions where he's paired up with the female lead from another animated movie? I don't think so.

Maybe he's just mad that his own Rankin-Bass Christmas special isn't as iconic as Frosty's.
Then again, THIS special was made before THAT one, so...

Jack introduces himself to Frosty and the kids, but despite his best efforts, the kids dub him a "big braggart" and say that Frosty's a lot more fun. Wow, way to be blunt, kids. Then Jack gets an idea - the hat is what brings Frosty to life, isn't it? If he eliminates the hat, he eliminates Frosty. Then everybody will love HIM. Either that, or he'll be known as "the guy who killed Frosty" and the kids will hate him even more. Here's a suggestion, Jack Frost - you want to be popular? Convince the folks at Wendy's to name a popular item on their menu after you, it worked wonders for Frosty.

That night, Frosty and the kids ride in a sleigh pulled by two horses to the local ice skating rink. Frosty makes a figure nine as opposed to a figure eight (he still can't count. He can write, but he still can't count). Jack attempts to steal the hat, but winds up with the hat from one of the horses instead. Good thing the horse just so happened to be wearing a top hat as well. Anything to get Jack Frost out of their hair (at least for the kids, since Frosty doesn't have hair).

Just a suggestion, Mr. Frost - maybe you'd be more popular if you didn't go around nipping
at peoples' noses. Not everybody likes having their schnozz bitten.

The next day, the kids notice something different about Frosty - and no, it's not that he's wearing a scarf now. He admits that every night, when the kids go home, he gets lonely. One of the kids suggests that he get himself a wife, or at least a girlfriend. Problem is, there aren't a lot of sentient snowwomen wandering around, nor are there any internet dating sights for snowpeople. But since Frosty was built by the kids... or at least, by OTHER kids who aren't in this special for whatever reason... then what's stopping the kids from just building the wife too?

So the next morning, the kids start building Frosty's wife, designed to Frosty's specifications. He wants her "kind of round and plump". Much like Moto Moto, he likes 'em big, he likes 'em chunky.

Isn't it kind of funny that Frosty has actual arms and legs made of snow? When most people
make snowmen, don't they usually give them sticks for arms and no legs at all? Clearly the kids
in these Rankin-Bass specials are much more skilled at this snowman-making thing than we are...

For her eyes, they use two blue beads that sparkle like sapphires. Her nose is a thimble, her mouth is a string of pink yarn. They even give her hair, via an old dust mop, and clothing in the form of an apron. I hope that doesn't make Frosty self-consious about being bald and naked.

Now they just need to give her a name. The kids suggest names like "Cleopatra", "Ermentrude", and "Minnehaha". Even the horses offer a suggestion, but nobody else agrees that "NEEEEEEEEEEEIGH" would be a good name for a snowwoman. One kid suggests "Corn Flakes". Does that qualify as product placement?

"What? People are named after cereal all the time. Just ask my Uncle Cocoa Puffs..."

Frosty eventually suggests "Crystal", and everyone agrees that it's a great name. There's just one small problem - how are they going to bring her to life? Magic hats are pretty rare. "Well, it was a nice idea anyway..." Frosty laments.

And to make matters worse, Jack Frost is realizing that the hat he stole isn't Frosty's. "Somebody's been horsing around with Jack Frost!" he declares, and he thinks it's all Frosty's fault for some reason.

There's something in your eye, Mr. Frost. In fact, it's in your other eye too.

"I'll show them, though... that nobody makes a fool of Jack Frost!" Jack snarls, his eyes turning red - quick, somebody get him some Clear Eyes. For dry, red eyes, Clear Eyes is AWESOME.

Hello, nightmare fuel.

Frosty stands out there in front of Crystal all night, eventually picking up a lovely bouquet of "frost flowers" which he'd made from the snow and placing it in her hands. And believe it or not, somehow, those flowers bring Crystal (voiced by Shelley Winters) to life. It's a Rankin-Bass special, just go with it.

"I feel like we were made for each other!"

"I WAS made for you!"

"I know! That's why I feel like it!"

Frosty and Crystal run around all happy and in love, unaware of the presence of Jack Frost, who uses a winter wind to knock the hat off of Frosty's head and swipe it. Now Frosty is inanimate. Where's Santa Claus when you need him?

But Crystal declares that removing the hat isn't enough to remove Frosty. "You have a wife - except for the formalities, that is - to help you now," she points out before making a snow flower to place on Frosty's "button hole" and planting a kiss on his cheek. And that does the trick! Frosty comes back to life!

...say, does this mean that magician guy from the first special can have his hat back now?

Speaking of the magician, at least Jack Frost didn't do what he did and lock Frosty in a greenhouse.

"I've been outfrosted again!" Jack moans. Sorry, Frost, but you're no match for THE POWER OF LOVE. The kids run outside to put on the wedding, somehow even managing to find Parson Brown (Dennis Day) to marry them. Fun fact: there is no actual person named Parson Brown, he's just a character invented for the "Winter Wonderland" song. For more information, please watch this hilarious video I found on YouTube.

I also just now realized that Parson Brown is here because the name of the special is "Frosty's
WINTER WONDERLAND". I feel stupid for not realizing that earlier...

Parson Brown says that he's legally only allowed to marry people, not snowpersons, so he suggests that they build a snowparson so HE can do the job. So they build a snowparson and place a copy of the Good Book in his hand to bring him to life. I wonder how else this "certain object brings a snowperson to life" deal works. If someone were to, say, build a snowman that looks like Jack Nicholson and put an Academy Award in its hand, would we then have a snow Jack Nicholson?

Jack shows up again and tries to stop the wedding with another powerful wind. Instead of just getting a restraining order against the guy, Frosty and Crystal get the idea to make Jack Frost their best man. And Jack's heart grows three sizes that night.

So the wedding gets started, and an offscreen chorus sings "Winter Wonderland". I was gonna make a joke about how Frosty and Crystal should avoid the "conspiring by the fire" part since, y'know, they'd melt, but the animators thought ahead for that:

Technically, they're conspiring by the ice crystals, but who cares?

We even get a glimpse of Frosty and Crystal's eventual offspring! No, I don't know how snowpeople reproduce. My guess is that they build the kids out of snow and then bring them to life somehow.

And indeed, Rankin-Bass' 1979 release Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (I'll review that one at some point too) showed that Frosty and Crystal do have two kids, Millie and Chilly. The third one seen here isn't in it, though. Neither is the snowdog.

I also don't know why the snowkids don't have noses. What, could they just not find three buttons?

"I now pronounce you, snowman and wife!" the snowparson (also Dennis Day) says, which is Frosty and Crystal's cue to suck face. And so Frosty and Crystal live happily ever after. Only downside is, when April rears its ugly face, the temperature starts to rise. But Jack Frost assures them that winter never has to end. "With me around, this fun can go on forever!" he announces. And it does. So what if this inconveniences the spring flowers, and all those hibernating animals, and all the sports teams that want to start spring training?

Parson Brown points out to them that winter can't go on forever, which means that it's time for Frosty and Crystal to head back to the North Pole until next winter. By the way, in case you're like me and you were wondering where the heck Karen is, she finally makes a brief cameo:

Or maybe somebody just stole her clothes. I don't remember Karen being that tall...

But before they go, they head through town and run into that traffic cop (Paul Frees once again) from the first special. He's totally cool (no pun intended) with the fact that there's a talking snowman now, but TWO of them? He's so surprised that he swallows his whistle again!

"And they're eventually going to have KIDS?! How is THAT possible?!"

Frosty, Crystal, and Jack Frost hop aboard a train to the North Pole, and spring arrives. "May all your winters be wonderful!" Andy Griffith tells us. "And frosty, too!" Frosty and Crystal add. The end.

What's the Verdict?

While Frosty's Winter Wonderland obviously isn't as good as the first special, it's a nice little follow-up. The animation isn't quite as smooth and slick-looking as the first, and I can't help but be a little annoyed at the lack of Karen (y'know, the first special's secondary lead character?) and the rabbit. Even having the magician pop in again, if just for a cameo, would've been nice. But Frosty's natural charm as a character does a lot of heavy lifting, and Crystal proves to be a good match for him despite not showing up until halfway through. Of the two Rankin-Bass 1976 sequels, I think I'd give the edge to Rudolph's Shiny New Year just because of how much more "out there" it is. This would've benefitted from the presence of a caveman or a whale with a clock in its tail or something.

I give Frosty's Winter Wonderland four snowballs out of five. AMC is going to air it twice this month (first on the 21st, then on Christmas Eve), so be sure to set your DVRs.

Further reading:
- The Anime Madhouse's review of the first special
- Nothing But Cartoons' review of the first special
- Up on the Shelf Reviews' review of the first special

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