Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Bailey's Comets"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

I recently recieved a copy of Mark Arnold's book Think Pink! The DePatie-Freleng Story for Christmas, and it reminded me that I haven't talked much about DePatie-Freleng Enterprises on this blog. These guys seem to get a bad rap nowadays, mostly because of their work with the Looney Tunes characters (they did most of those shorts where Daffy Duck faces off against Speedy Gonzales), but I've always had a fondness for them. Most of that, of course, stems from the fact that I love the Pink Panther, but they also gave us (among other things) the Inspector, the Ant and the Aardvark, Misterjaw, the Blue Racer, and all those Dr. Seuss specials from the 1970s. You gotta at least give 'em credit for THAT.

DePatie-Freling Enterprises made a lot of cartoons - not quite as many as Hanna-Barbera, but still a lot - and most of those are rather obscure today. Which means I have a bumper crop of material for my blog. I previously attempted to write reviews of their Dr. Dolittle cartoon and The Oddball Couple (which was The Odd Couple except animated and they were a cat and a dog), but neither one gave me enough joke material. While reading the book, however, I found one particular cartoon that seemed like a good choice to review on this blog: Bailey's Comets.

Created by David DePatie, Friz Freleng, Joe Ruby, and Ken Spears, this show premiered in September 1973 and is apparently considered one of the crappiest things DePatie-Freleng ever created. It was such a failure that DePatie-Freleng wasn't able to create another new series until 1975 and resulted in the cancelation of a cartoon about Evel Knievel cartoon they were working on that was supposed to premiere in 1974. Only sixteen episodes, each one consisting of two segments, were produced.

Why does the show exist? Roller derby was popular in the 1970s and Hanna-Barbera's Wacky Races was successful. I guess the mindset was that if you did a clone of Wacky Races where fifteen roller derby teams compete to find treasure, you'd have a hit on your hands. They did not. One of the animators, Martin Strudler, dubbed the show a disaster. "It was six teams on roller derbies and each team had to be six members. There were witches and one with hillbillies, etc. and you had to do them roller-skating," he said. "You had to animate six characters roller-skating right and then six characters roller-skating left and then six characters roller-skating towards the camera and then six characters skating away from the camera on six different teams. So, we were animating forever with that because there had to be stock footage while they were racing around the world. Then we had to do the backgrounds because the race went to Paris and we had to do Paris backgrounds... Today they would do it with a computer and it would be five times as fast, but this was all hand animated; six characters and eight drawings for each foot. It was 16 drawings before you could start a repeat and six different teams. It was a huge amount of work. I don't think they realized that when they got started. They signed on for it and then they had to do it. Dave DePatie had a fit. He was on the business side. The art directors did it in order to sell it and I don't think he knew what he was getting into when he signed on for it. Boy, it was a toughie."

The titular Bailey's Comets, one of fifteen roller derby teams featured in the show.

You can currently find a few episodes of Bailey's Comets on YouTube (there's apparently never been a home media release for the show, with the possible exception of a bootleg DVD or two), not in the greatest quality but beggars can't be choosers. We're going to watch the seventh episode of the show, which consists of the segments "Transylvania Mad Transit" and "Philippine Flip-Flop", to see if it's as bad as people claim. Who knows? Maybe there's SOMETHING of substance here...

"Transylvania Mad Transit" begins with the teams racing across the Transylvania countryside to Frankenstein's castle, where the next clue to the million dollar prize will be. The show's commentators, Gabby (voiced by Frank Welker) and Dooter Roo (voiced by Daws Butler), tell us that Bailey's Comets is in first place. The team consists of handsome leader Barnaby Bailey (voiced by Carl Esser), his blonde maybe-sorta-girlfriend Candy (Karen Smith), red-haired Brooklyn-accented Sarge (Kathy Gori), bespectacled team mechanic Wheelie (Jim Begg), ditzy Bunny (Sarah Kennedy), and chubby Pudge (Frank Welker). Since they're the main characters, they're the only team that doesn't have a gimmick.

No, wearing white and red is not a gimmick. Sorry, guys.

In second place are the Jekyll-Hydes, a bunch of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde clones.

"I was JEKYLL-JEKYLL-HYDE-JEKYLL-HYDE-HYDE-JEKYLL,
JEKYLL-JEKYLL-HYDE-JEKYLL-HYDE!"

And in third place are the Broomer Girls, a group of witches who aren't actually roller-skating but rather riding their brooms... but the brooms have roller skates on them, so I guess that's allowed?

Please forgive the mediocre quality of the screencaps.

The witches are also allowed to use their powers to sabotage the other teams, apparently. Specifically, they conjure up a rainstorm above the heads of Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes. Is this in the rules, or are the Broomer Girls just like Dick Dastardly in that they don't give a crap about the rules?

"We'd better find some shelter before we're washed out of the race!" Barnaby points out. Fortunately, there's a castle up ahead. Unfortunately, the castle belongs to a vampire. And not just ANY vampire - the one and only Dr. Dracula! Yes, Dracula has a medical degree. I'm learning so much today!

Also here is his dimwitted assistant, Igor. Everybody say "Hi" to Igor.

I thought Igor was Dr. Frankenstein's assistant. I guess he's a freelancer?

Dracula has just completed a "Transylvania People-Transformer" and needs some humans to test it on. And what luck, Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes skate right through the front door. With them apparently out of the race, the Broomer Girls are in the lead, followed by the Mystery Mob - a team of skaters always stuck in a big cloud of dust, so no one knows what they look like (saving the animators the trouble of having to design another team) - and the Ramblin' Rivets - which consist of a diminuitive professor (also Daws Butler) and some robots he built - fighting for second place.

Isn't it kind of funny how both Wacky Races AND this show feature a racer who's also a
mechanically-minded genius? But I'm sure it's just a coincidence. He said sarcastically.

One of the robots has a vaccuum cleaner built into it, which it uses to suck up the Mystery Mob and spit them out behind them. Again, I'm just gonna have to assume that this is okayed by the rules. If not, the Ramblin' Rivets should be disqualified.

Meanwhile, the Jekyll-Hydes and Bailey's Comets are still inside the castle. Funny thing is, Gabby straight up refers to it as the "house of Dracula", so if he knows that Dracula lives there, why on Earth didn't he warn Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes not to go in? Would that be interferring with the race too much or something? Does he WANT to see them get their blood sucked out of them?

Actually, even though Bailey's Comets and the Jekyll-Hydes were previously seen skating into the castle, now they're just standing at the front door - and NOT in the rain, which means there's no reason for them to go inside anymore. I mean, aside from "because the plot demands it". When Bunny attempts to ring the doorbell, she just winds up honking Dracula's schnozz.

"Honk honk!"

Dracula opens the door, welcomes the teams, and then sends them down a trapdoor. Well, at least he was polite enough to welcome them first. Meanwhile, Barnaby and Candy peek through the castle's basement window and are horrified to see their team and the Jekyll-Hydes hooked up to some strange machine.

Dracula explains that with his Transylvania People-Transformer, he will "make the Comets act like the Jekyll-Hydes and the Jekyll-Hydes act like the Comets". So, it's not a "transformer", it's just a brain-swapping device. And apparently it doesn't even work the way it's intended, because when Igor pulls the switch, Bunny winds up in Pudge's body, Pudge is in Sarge's body (by the way, who the heck names their kid "Sarge"?), and Wheelie is in Bunny's body.

By the way, Wheelie calls Pudge "Banana Brain" a lot. I don't know what his problem is.

"You goofed, Igor! THIS is the right switch!" Dracula claims, and when he pulls it, it turns out the machine DOESN'T just swap brains after all: the Comets are turned into Mr. Hyde-esque monsters, and the Jekyll-Hydes, who are in their Mr. Hyde forms, become cheery humans. Then Dracula just lets them leave the castle and head back into the race... wait, he's not gonna keep him as slaves or anything? Then what was the point of even doing this? Oh, right, right. For SCIENCE!

Meanwhile, the other teams are still doing just fine in the race. In the lead are the Gargantuan Giants, a football team so big that you can only see their roller skates, which their normal-sized coach rides on.

"I knew making them take steroids once a day for three days was a good idea!"

Right behind them are the Slag Brothers... uh, I mean the Stone Rollers, three cavemen and a dinosaur who I guess stumbled upon a time machine and came to the 1970s.

I suppose there's a Flintstones joke I could make here, but I can't think of anything funny.

And in third place are the Cosmic Rays, who are aliens riding around in a skating UFO. Okay, who let that one pigeon from Bolt onto the show's crew?

"Huh. According to this map, we were supposed to take a LEFT turn at the London Eye..."

"Blast it, Renaldo! I TOLD YOU this wasn't Roswell!"

And then there are the Hairy Mountain Red Eyes, a group of hillbillies. Gee, I wonder which Wacky Races character THESE guys are inspired by... maybe the Ant Hill Mob?

Their arch-enemy? Clear Eyes. Get it?

And the Rockin' Rollers, a band consisting of hippies. If this show had become a big hit, there would probably be a lot of jokes online about them being stoners. That's just how the internet works.

Why do so few of the roller-skaters in this show wear helmets? Maybe the blonde one
thinks that his puffy afro will protect his head or something, I don't know...

And, of course, the Roller Bears (I guess this is supposed to be a pun on "polar bears", even though none of the bears are white), five bears who learned how to roller-skate and constantly laugh like idiots. See, Wacky Races only had ONE bear as part of the cast. THIS show has FIVE. So it's TOTALLY different from Wacky Races!

"Hey, what's that weird pipe-shaped thing above our heads?"

"I don't know, but it makes me laugh for some reason!"

As for the Comets... well, they look pretty much the same, aside from their skin having a bit of a green-ish tint to it... but now they're acting like Dick Dastardly and have decided to lure Barnaby and Candy into a trap. For some reason.

Is it weird that I'm wondering where they got the giant cage?

Not content with just trapping them in a cage, the other Comets put the cage on a teeter-totter sitting under a large boulder danging from a rope tied to a log hanging off a cliff. When the candle burns through the rope, down the boulder will fall, hitting the teeter-totter and catapulting Barnaby and Candy out of the race. I guess turning EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL made Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny forget that Barnaby and Candy are on their team. And, honestly, I think even Wile E. Coyote would find this needlessly complicated.

Fortunately, as they're skating away cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West, a puff of smoke appears and Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny change back to normal... except they're British now a la Dr. Jekyll. They quickly save Barnaby and Candy from the trap... but for some reason don't bother to free them from the cage.

I honestly want to see what the now-nice Mr. Hydes are up to. Are they still in Dracula's castle?

Alas, they're only Jekyll-esque for a few seconds before turning back into EEEEEEE-VIL Mr. Hyde wannabes. So they drag them back to the trap... but then turn into Dr. Jekylls again and carry them away from the trap. Then they turn into Mr. Hydes and carry them back to the trap. And this time, after putting them back on the teeter-totter, they stand on top of the cage and revel in how nasty they are. I would love it if the boulder suddenly fell onto the tap while they were doing this, sending THEM flying to kingdom come with Barnaby and Candy. That would honestly be pretty funny.

That candle is sure taking its sweet time burning through the rope, isn't it?

I actually wasn't expecting that to happen, but guess what? It does! As soon as Sarge, Wheelie, Pudge, and Bunny turn back into Dr. Jekylls, the boulder falls down and launches them into the air.

After landing painfully, Barnaby points out that the only way they're gonna get back in the race is by getting the Jekyll-Hydes, going back to Dracula's place, and changing everyone back to normal. They find the Jekyll-Hydes off-camera and go back to the castle, but the Comets go all Mr. Hyde again, and during the ensuing chase they wind up smashing into the machine... which somehow changes them and the Jekyll-Hydes back to normal. Oh-kaaaaaaaaay then...

"My skin is so soft! That new lotion I bought is doing wonders!"

Thus, everyone is back to normal - except for Dracula and Igor, who are now in each other's bodies. For some reason. The other teams, meanwhile, have reached Frankenstein's castle and found the million dollar clue. When the Comets reach the castle, they meet Frankenstein's Monster himself, who tells them to take Highway 102. And the Broomer Girls get no comeuppance for starting this whole mess in the first place. Next segment!

Now the racers are in the Philippines, and the Comets are having trouble regaining their lead. Fortunately, Wheelie has "Hippety-Hop Grasshopper Skates" to help them. Maybe I'm just weird, but to me, leaping through the air and roller skates sound like a dangerous combination.

"I yanked the legs off an actual grasshopper. Come at me, PETA!"

I expected the "Grasshopper Skates" to backfire spectacularly in a comedic way because that's usually how inventions in 1970s cartoons work, but nope, they work just fine. Soon the Comets are hopping around like a kangaroo right by the hillbillies and the professor and his robots, but the Yo-Ho-Hos - pirates who ride a raft with roller skates on it - aren't going to stand for this.

I like how they don't have an actual mast, just a guy holding a tiny sail. They're pirates on a
budget.

What do the pirates do? They push the Comets, the Red Eyes, and Ramblin' Rivets off a cliff. How is THIS allowed in the rule book? On the bright side, the pirates wind up getting knocked off the cliff as well. I believe this is what is known as "karma".

Fortunately, the Comets have airbags in their roller skates - always be prepared - and they all land in a mysterious valley. The race continues, with the Cosmic Rays in the lead. In second place are the Roller Coasters, consisting of a ringmaster, a fat lady in a tutu, a strongman, a clown, a lion, and a skinny guy with an extremely long neck (the kind that could get one mistaken for a giraffe). I've heard of a flying circus, but a roller-skating circus? That's just absurd!

Seriously, that guy's neck is so long, when it rains, he's probably the first to know.

And in third place? The Texas Black Hats, a group of outlaws riding on roller-skating horses.

Jeez, the quality of the screencaps is getting worse...

Eventually, the Comets find a village of natives - and a giant lizard! Like, at what point do we start calling it a dinosaur? Barnaby, Candy, Wheelie, Bunny, and Sarge manage to get away, but Pudge isn't so lucky. Still, he manages to defeat the lizard through WACKY SHENANIGANS!

I'm going to assume this is a monitor lizard, which can indeed grow pretty big. Although they
generally do not eat humans...

Because he saved them all from the giant lizard, the natives dub Pudge their new leader. The others tell him that he can't be their leader because of, you know, the race, but the natives aren't going to take "no" for an answer. If he won't be their leader, he tells them, he can't leave at all... unless he defeats their champion.

Okay, what the heck is a gorilla doing in the Philippines? There aren't any gorillas in the Philippines. I don't think there are even any big apes there. What, did this gorilla come to the Philippines on vacation and get captured by the natives there? If so, no wonder he's so angry...

So it's either be king or fight the gorilla. But Barnaby has another idea - Wheelie apparently designed skates with little shovels in them, so they can just tunnel out of the village. This, however, might be difficult because the Ramblin' Rivets, the Red Eyes, and the Yo-Ho-Hos are determined to keep the Comets from ever leaving the valley. I guess this is because they think it'll increase their chances of winning. Or maybe Barnaby said that they looked like dorks or something.

Yes, the professor has a German accent. He's a professor in a cartoon, of course he has
a German accent.

It's time for Pudge to wrestle the gorilla, and he can't even use his "Grasshopper Skates" because the leader of the Yo-Ho-Hos swapped them out for normal ones. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

"Do you know how long it took me to find a bag of giant golf clubs? They cost, like,
two hundred bucks on eBay, but it was totally worth it."

Eventually, the Comets decide to just make a run for it. Bunny calms the gorilla down by singing (music soothes the savage beast, as they say), and Barnaby uses "Port-a-Bridge Blastoff Skates" to make it across a ravine and create a bridge for the other Comets to cross. Kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?

After rejoining the race, the Comets make it to the volcano where the clue is. Of course, because it's a volcano in a cartoon, the volcano erupts, but there's a message in the smoke it emits. I'm not sure how whoever set up the race did this, I'm going to assume that they used magic. The clue is "TAKE THE BING BING BANG BARGE TO THE NEXT CLUE!" And again, no reprecussions for the Ramblin' Rivets, the Red Eyes, or the Yo-Ho-Hos. Shouldn't they at least get points off or something?

What's the Verdict?

"You got your Josie and the Pussycats in my Wacky Races!"

"Well, YOU got YOUR Wacky Races into MY Josie and the Pussycats!"

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. This isn't the absolute worst cartoon ever, but much like The Oddball Couple, there's not much of substance here. It's incredibly mediocre. You know how a lot of people badmouth Hanna-Barbera's 1970s output? This is what people think shows like Speed Buggy and The Funky Phantom are like. Just take a popular Hanna-Barbera cartoon and copy it. In fact, as stated above, this cartoon attempts to be both Wacky Races AND Josie and the Pussycats at the same time - except instead of an automobile race or a rock band, the six teens winding up in these weird situations and dealing with bizarre  villains and monsters are in a roller derby. Speaking of which, there are too many characters - there's a reason why most of the characters in Wacky Races weren't teams. At most, you'd have two racers in one car, but the only actual "team" was the Ant Hill Mob. As a result, most of the characters seem underdeveloped, even the ones who actually had focus in these episodes.

Did the show deserve to be such a spectacular failure? Probably not, but it's still pretty weak. My advice: either stick with Wacky Races or watch that Pink Panther cartoon where he gets roller skates. You'll have more fun. Trust me.