Let's Watch This: "Animals United" (2010)

Remember that Dehli Safari film I reviewed before? Remember how much I disliked it? Well, today I'm looking at a film that's very, very similar to Dehli Safari. Why am I reviewing a film that's very, very similar to a film that I disliked? I don't know, maybe I'm just an idiot.

Anyhow, Animals United is a 2010 German animated movie that got an English dub... an English dub that features the talents of Jim Broadbent, Stephen Fry, and Andy Serkis, among others. One of those "others" is James Corden as the voice of the main character - and this was back before every other animated movie needed to have him in it. I don't know what the reception was in Germany, but here in America critics didn't like it very much. It has a twenty-five percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But hey, just because a movie has a low rating on Rotten Tomatoes doesn't mean that it's REALLY a piece of crap, right?

Well, that's just one example...

Okay, yeah, maybe sometimes it DOES mean that, but...

Point made (jeez, what was I thinking going to see that in theaters?).

So, IS Animals United really that bad? Let's take a look...

The movie begins with shots of various bodies of water across Africa. Then we see a small family of meerkats. The mother meerkat (Billie Piper) asks the son meerkat (Mischa Goodman) where the father meerkat is, and her son replies that he went to get water. Sure enough, we then cut to the father meerkat coming across a dry body of water with a cattle skull in it. Then before we can get any information about WHY the water is dry, we cut to a lion sitting atop a large rock.

Hey, it's Not Alex from Madagascar!

Actually, all jokes aside, I really do like the design of this lion.

Then the father meerkat, whose name is Billy (voiced by James Corden), shows up and tries to scare the lion with the cattle skull. It doesn't work. But the lion, whose name is Socrates (voiced by Stephen Fry), decides to humor him. After that, Billy starts golfing for some reason... with a ball made of "sun-dried, rock hard hyena poo-poo". Only three minutes in and already we've got a poop joke. That does not bode well.

Now, Billy DOES look at least reasonably enough like a meerkat, but why is his fur so dark?
Meerkats have very light fur.

Then we cut to... an orangutan? Doesn't this movie take place in Africa? Why is there an orangutan in Africa?

What, is he a foreign exchange student or something?

Well, anyhow, the orangutan (Omid Djalili) is giving a female elephant (Dawn French) a stylish hairdo. He has flamboyant mannerisms and a stereotypical "prissy British guy" voice. After that, we cut back to Billy and Socrates. Billy is doing some more golfing, then his mate Billie (the mother meerkat from before) shows up. She calls him out for goofing around instead of getting their family water like he said he would.

Hey, wait... Billy's mate is named Billie? Isn't it kind of weird that they basically have the same name? Wouldn't that get really confusing for them and everyone else?

Guess which one is the girl meerkat. No, really, guess.

Then the female elephant and a female giraffe (Joanna Lumley) show up and tell Socrates that they've got a problem.

What's weirder, an elephant with blonde hair or a giraffe with makeup?

Where does a giraffe even GET makeup?

"It's the water that flows down the mountainside. It should've gotten here by now!" the elephant says. Fortunately, Discount Timon has a solution - he'll "call the water down" by drumming on the cattle skull. Makes sense to me, I don't know why YOU'RE confused.

As he starts drumming, the camera... uh, suddenly goes into maximum overdrive.

"Please remain seated while the camera is in motion."

Eventually, the camera reaches this large dam, which apparently is what's causing the animals to have a lack of water.

So how long until they make the cliched "character says 'dam' and then another character tells them to
watch their language" joke?

Then we cut to... a polar bear? I guess we're not in Africa anymore... then again, we've already got an ORANGUTAN in Africa, so I wouldn't be surprised if they've got a polar bear in Africa too.

Boy, am I thirsty. I could really go for a Coca-Cola right now.

The polar bear (Erica Schroeder) suddenly falls through the ice, but eventually is able to climb aboard an ice floe and sees ice falling off a large nearby iceberg. Then we cut to these politicians taking a photo in front of the iceberg. Apparently, they're here for some sort of conference about global warming.

Are these guys supposed to be caricatures of famous politicians?

After that, we cut to these two tortoises in... where are we now? The Galapagos Islands?

I like that they both look like Verne from Over the Hedge. Maybe I should do a review of that
movie at some point...

The tortoises (Jim Broadbent and Vanessa Redgrave) are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Then a ship runs aground and that causes the tide to come in. One of the tortoises says that "the time has come" for them to "be on their way once more". But enough about them, it's off to Australia!

Crikey! G'day, mate! Put another shrimp on the barbie! And other stereotypical Australian sayings!

Some dude on a motorcycle guzzles down a beer... which is really stupid of him. Why would somebody drink while riding a motorcycle?! I don't know much about riding a motorcycle, but I still know that's INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS!

Well, anyhow, the dude drinks a beer and then carelessly tosses the bottle over his shoulder. It lands on the ground and smashes into a million pieces. Eventually, the guy comes to a stop, and we see a kangaroo (Jason Donovan) and a koala bear (Oliver Green) spying on him from behind a rock.

I've got one word for both of you: haircut. Trust me on this.

But then the guy notices that there's a wildfire a-comin' his way, and he quickly rides off. That bottle he threw onto the ground was flammable, apparently?

See, this is why drinking beer while riding a motorcycle is dangerous. It causes wildfires. Just common
knowledge.

The koala escapes, but the kangaroo just can't resist the sweet, sweet beer cans that the guy left on the ground. Long story short, he manages to outrun the flames... but winds up falling into a chasm. Thankfully, he eventually climbs out. Then he runs into... Taz from Looney Tunes!

"TAZ ONLY HERE BECAUSE TAZ NEED MONEY! WARNER BROTHERS NOT DOING
ENOUGH WITH LOONEY TUNES CHARACTERS FOR TAZ TO PAY THE BILLS!"

Well, okay, it's not REALLY Taz. It's just a Tasmanian devil (Oliver Wyman) that's literally just Taz in all but name. And they do a lousy job of hiding it. It's a blatant knockoff of Taz. He even looks much more like Taz than he does an actual Tasmanian devil.

Oh, and he farts. Ha ha ha, farting. I said sarcastically.

So the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff (I know he has a name, but I don't care, I'm just gonna call him "Taz Knockoff") head off into the sunset, and then we cut to this:

Chicken Joe, what have they done to you?!

The rooster (Andy Serkis) is trapped in the clutches of this sadistic British-accented chef guy on a cruise ship, but he manages to escape. Also, he has a French accent.

He jumps out a porthole and lands in a bathtub, where he's greeted by the tortoises, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff. "Things got a bit steamy back in the bush so we thought we'd take ourselves on a holiday," the kangaroo explains. At some point they ran into the tortoises... and the polar bear, she's here too. And they've come up with a plan. Migrating birds told the tortoises about a magical paradise free of humans, and they're going to head there... well, assuming that they can find it.

I know that this might be considered a nitpick, but where'd they get the bathtub?

Then the rooster starts singing... and by "singing", I mean lip-syncing to an old recording of a French dude singing "Beyond the Sea". After that we arrive back in Africa, where the giraffe and the elephant are becoming parched. They, Socrates and Billy decide to consult with some guy called "the Oracle"... who as it turns out is just the orangutan hiding in the trunk of a tree. Quick question, why do all of the animals in Africa have British accents?

Anyhow, the orangutan obviously has no answer to the animals' question as to when the water will be back, but Billy's the only one who notices this and when he points this out he just winds up ticking all of the other animals off.

"I'm an aardvark, and I'm prooooooooooooud..."

Then we cut back to the rooster, the kangaroo, the tortoises, Taz Knockoff, and the polar bear, who have apparently washed up in a desert. The rooster gives a speech about how they will overcome all adversity to find a new home and blah-blah-blah... and then Taz Knockoff farts again. Twice. Eugh.

So the rooster leads them all through the desert as a smooth jazz version of the Hokey Pokey plays in the background. Yes, you read that right - a smooth jazz version of the Hokey Pokey. It's not a bad cover, but why a smooth jazz cover of the Hokey Pokey of all songs?

Back to Africa. Billy's son tells two other young meerkats about how great his dad is, but they just laugh him off and say that Billy is a loser. One of them also points out that his fur is so much darker than that of all of the other meerkats in the savannah. Oh goody, racism metaphors. Just what this movie didn't need.

Billy is heading over to the watering hole to get some water. Alas, it's currently being blocked by some buffalo.

With Spanish accents, for some reason.

However, some rhinos want a drink, too.

Why does the rhino have a hairdo? I know rhinos in real life do indeed have SOME hair, but they
don't have flowing chestnut-colored locks.

Of course, rhinos in real life don't talk either, so...

"You talking to ME?! Are you talking to ME?!" the head buffalo shouts. Yes, we get a reference to Taxi Driver. Because... it exists, right?

While the buffalo and the rhinos are going at it, Discount Timon tries to slip by and grab some water. This results in an unfunny gag where he reaches up the rhino's nostril (eugh) and calls him "Carrot Top". Then we get this...

Please tell me that the meerkat gets clobbered by the buffalo and/or the rhino...

Billy is depressed that he let his family down, particularly his extremely ticked-off son. He's so mad, in fact, that he actually disowns his father. Wow. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Billy either, but that seems pretty harsh.

"Everybody thinks that I'm a loser!"
"Well, there's a reason for that, Billy..."

Billy heads off to see Socrates and tells him that the fate of their savannah is in their hands. He says that they have to go and find water, but Discount Simba is too busy waxing philosophical about how Billy is going to fail miserably. Then he informs Billy that to find water, he apparently will have to travel through a valley where this evil leopard lives. An evil leopard? Ten bucks says that it's this guy:

That is what is known as a "Call Back".

So Billy heads off on his own. And he starts singing. I don't know who did Billy's singing voice, but it doesn't sound anything like James Corden. Eventually, he comes across these three vultures.

"Hey, Flaps... what we gonna do?"

"I dunno. What you wanna do?"

The vultures act like obnoxious jerks, and then Billy heads into the dreaded valley where the evil leopard supposedly lives. Fortunately, Socrates appears just as he's starting to get REALLY worried. And then who should show up but the evil leopard? Specifically, he's a BLACK leopard. Socrates and Billy make a run for it, but the leopard catches up with Billy and manages to corner him.

Didn't I see this guy in an ad for Danimals?

Fortunately, the leopard is scared off by that polar bear from before. Then the tortoises, the kangaroo, the rooster, and Taz Knockoff show up too. "Who are you?! Who sent you?! Where are you from?!" the rooster asks Socrates.

"Now look here, boy! I'm no chicken! I'm a rooster, I say, a ROOSTER! There's a difference!
Nice boy, but he's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice..."

Soon night falls, and we see the animals all gathered around a campfire. Socrates tells Billy how he got his scar (insert some reference to The Dark Knight here). Apparently, when he and his brother were younger, they visited the valley where the evil leopard now lives. But they ran afoul of a horrible creature that killed Socrates' brother - not the leopard, as I expected, but rather the most vile, foul, despicable creature on the planet... a human. I was gonna have that gag from the Nostalgia Critic's FernGully 2 review where he rants about how bad humans are here, but I didn't want it to seem like I was making light of Socrates' tragic backstory.

"From that day, my only wish is for all the animals of the savannah to live in peace and harmony," Socrates says. Once morning arrives, the polar bear has become weak (she's not used to this hot environment). The rooster says that he'll stay with her and the tortoises and look after them while Socrates, Billy, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff go looking for water. So off they head, and eventually Billy comes across the dam.

"GASP!"

He notices a door in the dam and sneaks inside, goes up a large staircase and discovers all of the water that this dam is holding back.

Meanwhile, the climate change conference apparently changed location to a hotel. The hotel has a mascot, too - a chimpanzee named Toto (Jason Griffith).

Oh, jeez, is this actually a stealth sequel to Space Chimps?

After that, we cut back to Billy as he shows Socrates the water trapped at the top of the dam. He's appalled. On the other hand, Taz Knockoff and the kangaroo are riding around in a speedboat.

I still think the kangaroo should get a haircut, by the way.

They pick up Billy and Socrates and we get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS as they wind up running aground on the hotel's golf course. The kangaroo and Taz Knockoff come across a refrigerator stocked with what I assume is beer. Honestly, this whole scene is like a really bad beer commercial. 

Seriously, just slap a Bud Light logo in the bottom-right corner and you've got a bad beer commercial.

Eventually, Billy and Socrates wind up in what I'm guessing is the conference room, resulting in the hotel's owner calling upon the services of an eeeeeeeeeeeevil-looking hunter who judging from the lion-skin rug that he owns is the same guy who shot Socrates' brother. Zhe odds, vhat are zhey?

Why do so many hunters in animated films have absurdly-large chins?

Socrates leaves just before the hunter shows up, but Billy winds up running afoul of the guy. Fortunately, he escapes by diving into a fish tank... which just so happens to be full of piranhas. Uh-oh...

Piranhas - the reason why it's not a good idea to go skinny-dipping in the Amazon river.

Once Billy gets away from the piranhas, he winds up running into a shark. Insert some sort of JAWS reference here, I can't think of anything funny.

"Hello. Name's Bruce!"

Quick question, have you ever been to a hotel where there was a SHARK of all things swimming around in a giant fish tank? What, is this conference being held at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas?

Long story short, Billy winds up being fished out of the hotel's sewer system by that chimpanzee from before. Then the conference-goers run into the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff... who farts again. Worst Running Gag ever.

After that, we get a gag involving Socrates getting stuck on a treadmill before the chimp comes over and frees him. Then the chimp runs into the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff in the hotel gift shop. He lets them all hide out in the hotel's honeymoon suite while he watches out for the hunter.

I feel like the only reason there's a chimp in this movie is because of the whole "apes are automatically
funny" mindset.

Predictably, the animals wind up making a mess of the room. Taz Knockoff eats an armchair, Socrates and the kangaroo are watching TV, and Billy is taking a shower. "I happen to have a JOB here! And I have no desire to get into trouble on account of YOU!" Toto exclaims. He tries to deny that he's anything like them... oh, god, I'm getting flashbacks to that parrot from Delhi Safari.

Eventually, Toto agrees to open the floodgates to the dam so the animals can get their water, but on one condition - that immediately afterwards, the animals leave. Meanwhile, the hotel owner's daughter tells him that his deluxe resort is hurting the animals that live downstream.

Predictably, the animals wind up getting into trouble again as the hunter spots them and shoots Socrates with a tranquillizer dart. Billy accidentally opens the floodgates and then he, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff fall into the rushing waters and are flushed out of the dam. But the hunter won't give up and comes after them in a jeep.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Fortunately, the hunter is defeated by the rooster and the tortoises. Yeah, remember them? They're still in this movie. They give the polar bear some water that Billy collected, then Billy suggests that they enlist the help of all the animals in the savannah to save Socrates.

Meanwhile, the hotel owner's daughter demands that he let the lion go. He claims that he can't do that because the lion is dangerous and also he already sold it to a casino in Las Vegas. Socrates, speaking of which, is currently waking up in a cage. Toto tries to lift his spirits by telling him that Las Vegas is a great place. Especially if you're a lion.

Okay, now back to Billy's family. His son decides to head out and get water for his mother, but the rhinos and buffalo are feuding over the water again, so that might be difficult.

Why does the buffalo have gold teeth? Where does a buffalo get a gold tooth? Was it from the
place where that giraffe got her makeup?

Long story short, Billy's son winds up in the middle of a rhino-buffalo brawl, but his mother stops it by telling them to knock it off. Around this time, the rooster comes across the giraffe and the elephant and starts... flirting with them. Uhhhhhh... anyhow, he and Billy enlist their help, and then Billy blows into a root in the trunk of that tree from before, getting the attention of everyone on the savannah. We get an amusing joke involving an eagle and a mole.

The animals all have a conference of sorts. Billy tells everyone that he found the water, but the humans have trapped it all. The wildebeest and the rhino are suspicious, but the rooster tells them to stuff it. The tortoises give a big speech about how they had to watch humans do their evil human things. "Man is a thief who comes in the night and takes what he wants from the land! He is like a snake who eats his own tail to survive. But the earth does not belong to man. He is only a tiny part of it," the female tortoise says. If they don't defeat the humans, the animals will all perish and then man will start killing themselves too! The world will descend into anarchy! Fire will rage, buildings will collapse, and 20th Century Fox will greenlight another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie!

By morning, the animals are all convinced - they must defeat THE HUMANS. Well, except the orangutan, who's annoyed that nobody consulted him...

Wait, he has a tail? He's actually been a monkey this whole time?

Well, now I feel incredibly stupid...

The animals all head off to defeat the evil that is HUMANS. Meanwhile, Socrates tries to guilt-trip Toto into helping him. He tells Toto that he's not really free, but it doesn't do any good.

Then we cut back to the animals, and we get that smooth jazz cover of the Hokey Pokey again. The rooster runs afoul of that leopard, but manages to tame it.

I think this rooster might be my favorite character in the whole movie.

But, oh no! The hunter saw the animals coming and takes to the skies in a biplane to take them down!

Who the heck gave this guy a biplane? In fact, I'm willing to bet that he doesn't even HAVE a
pilot's license...

And apparently the hunter has a MISSLE that he plans on destroying the animals with. Methinks that this guy is a bit of a psycho.

Fortunately, Toto somehow snuck aboard the plane and beats up the hunter. Long story short, the missile winds up flying into the dam.

Hello, new potential meme.

Next, the animals decide to "send a message" to the humans by siccing... termites? What kind of bugs are those supposed to be? Well, anyhow, they sic bugs on them...

Maybe they're actually locusts?

The bugs even start stripping the humans naked! Don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap.

As all of this is going on, the hotel owner's daughter manages to free Socrates, giving him the opportunity to defeat the hunter. The animals, meanwhile, decide it's time to tear down the dam.

I was kind of expecting the missile to blow it up...

Oh, and around this time the buffalo and the rhinos catch up with the other animals. The hunter gets flushed out of the dam, and Taz Knockoff finishes him off with... you'll never believe this... A FART JOKE!

I repeat: worst Running Gag ever.

Socrates shows up at the top of the dam and says, "Start drumming, Billy. You've got the GROOVE!" Billy starts drumming on an elephant tusk, and the other animals start... dancing? I guess they're hoping that their combined weight will destroy the dam. However, it's Billy who manages to take down the dam. How? Simple - he uses his golfing skills to knock hyena poo into the dam, where it starts up the missile and the missile blows it up.

So apparently golf is the solution to stopping the evil of humans. Huh, never would have guessed...

Water returns to the savannah, and everybody parties. It's an animated movie from the 2010s, you've gotta have a Dance Party Ending.

I do appreciate that they used a Beach Boys song, though. I like the Beach Boys.

But it's not over yet! Do you want to know how this movie ends? Okay, I'll tell you... and just a forewarning - I did not make any of this up.

The movie ends with the animals traveling to New York City in the mouths of humpback whales so they can make humans accountable for their actions.

Yes, I am not joking. They ride inside the mouths of humpback whales to New York and start roaming the streets. I guess they plan to take a page from Bender's book and kill all humans. And just in case you STILL don't believe me, I have screencaps:

And yes, we get another fart joke. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

The best thing that I can say about Animals United is that it's at least not as bad as Delhi Safari. I would not, however, call it a good movie. There are some positive things I can say, though... for one thing, the animation's pretty good. The character designs are hit-and-miss, some of them I genuinely like (Socrates, the leopard), others not so much (the giraffe who looks like Melman in drag, the elephant with blonde hair). As for the characters themselves, I kind of liked Socrates, and the tortoises and the rooster were okay. Everyone else was about as two-dimensional as a piece of sandpaper. James Corden gives a really obnoxious performance. On top of that, the film is so heavy-handed. I obviously agree with the protect the environment moral, but when you've got animals siccing clothes-eating bugs on humans, things take a turn for the ridiculous. I really don't think this movie is worth your time.

P.S. Why is the koala on the DVD cover when he only appeared in, like, one scene? That's false advertising, isn't it?