Let's Watch This: "Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond" (2016)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Well, here we go. The sequel to Frog Kingdom, a movie that as you know I found to be total crap. So why am I reviewing a sequel to a movie I don't like? Because it exists, and SOMEBODY has to do it. Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Either or.

There's very little information about this movie online. Apparently, it was originally called The Frog Kingdom 2: Sub-Zero Mission but they changed the name for some reason. Peng Fei and Zheng Liguo directed and produced it, and it doesn't seem like any of the voices from the original returned. For one thing, Freddie (the annoying male lead) and One-Eye (that drill sergeant frog who was secretly in league with the evil snake) are now voiced by the guys from SMOSH. Reminder: Rob Schneider said "yes" to Jungle Shuffle, Norm of the North, Dino Time, and the FIRST Frog Kingdom but he said "no" to THIS. That's not a good sign, is it?

Okay, okay. I shouldn't assume the film is bad just because it's a sequel to a film I know is bad, should I? Maybe there's something of substance here. Let's watch Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond and find out.

The first thing this film does is take a wrecking ball to the fourth wall. Two frogs appear and start talking about the humans in the audience. The fat frog is worried that the humans will eat them. Don't worry, fat frog, you're safe around me - I've never eaten a frog. I don't care how good their legs supposedly taste.

"You'd think these people would have better things to do than sit here reading a blog about animation."

"Hey, it's the internet. They could be doing a lot worse."

"Good point. At least they're not looking at social media..."

After deciding that we, the viewers, are friendly, the frogs decide to introduce us to the Frog Kingdom. A narrator then shows up and says, "In a world far, far away from human beings, there is a beautiful place called Frog Kingdom. For thousands of years, the frog clan has lived here... full of joy, and wonder... what a wonderful life they have." Y'know, aside from the evil snake who tried to freeze them all not long ago.

Little do the happy frogs of Frog Kingdom know that there's a conspiracy afoot. But we'll have to learn more about the conspiracy later. For now, we cut to Princess Froglegs... now just called Frog Princess and voiced by Ambyr Childers as opposed to Bella Thorne... doing some archery practice. Her target is walking Aladdin reference Prince Froggie Ababwa (now voiced by Jon Lovitz), presumably for no other reason than because she thinks it's funny to make him nervous.

Who does she think she is, William Tell?

Then another frog shows up and gives the General a message. Something about a "Crystal Frog". Oh yeah, and Froglegs' pal Bestie from the previous movie is there, too. But she's orange now for some reason.

We then cut to the palace, where the Frog King (Jay Sheldon as opposed to Keith David) is being told about this strange "Crystal Frog". Froglegs (yeah, I'm still calling her that. I don't care if she's just called "Frog Princess" in the movie) shows up after he gives the order to set up an emergency team to investigate the situation. The Frog King doesn't want to tell her about the "Crystal Frog" because she's still too young to know about the family's biggest secret. Too young? I call bullfrogcrap. Wasn't Froglegs the one who saved their village from the aforementioned evil snake? Of course, Freddie and the king fought the snake too, but Froglegs did just as much work in that situation as they did. I think she's capable of dealing with this "Crystal Frog", whatever it is.

"Yeah, I know you saved our village and all, but I still don't think you're ready to deal with
the Crystal Frog. Sorry, them's the breaks..."

Froglegs and the king argue some more, then Froglegs storms off in a huff and the king laments that she can't control her temper. We then cut to Freddie, now Anthony Padilla as opposed to Cameron Dallas, and his tadpole buddy Boogie, who run into the musclebound frog who was probably on steroids and the sunglasses-wearing frog with the mohawk from the first movie (now voiced by Chi-Ren Choong and Joshua Johan). Their names are revealed to be Muscles and Devo - the latter of which makes me feel obligated to include this in the review...

Okay, so Muscles and Devo tell them that Inspector Noggin, the dimwitted frog who was tasked with finding Froglegs in the first movie, summoned them to the Frog Kingdom. Something about a "Crystal Frog", and when Muscles looked it up online, he couldn't find anything. Wait, frogs have access to the internet now? Do they have tiny computers or something?

Although, access to the internet does explain how these frogs who supposedly live far, far away
from human beings know about Pinocchio, French bistros, Indiana Jones, and Vanilla Ice.

When they get to the Frog Kingdom, an earthquake hits out of nowhere.  Buildings crumble, a tree falls, and these evil amphibians who Freddie identifies as "the Big Four" attack, accompanied by a pangolin. After the bad frogs leave, the princess shows up and both Freddie and Ababwa go gaga for her. Freddie even gets a flashback of clips from the first movie set to romantic music!

You'd think she'd be happy to see him, too, since she fell in love with him in the first movie. Oddly enough, she isn't.

"Come on, I only went on ONE date with the Charo toad from Thumbelina! You know my heart
belongs to you!"

Actually, she's miffed because Freddie just left at the end of the first movie instead of marrying her and allowing her to have his tadpoles. Before she can beat him to a pulp, however, the messenger frog gives her a flyer - the very same flyer that has her father so concerned. Clearly, the Big Four want the Crystal Frog. But she ain't gonna stand for that, no sir.

A frog named HuHu shows the king a map to the fabled "Holy Land", where this Crystal Frog can apparently be found. The trek there is very, very dangerous, but the Frog King knows that his frog warrior squad can do it.

Hey, isn't that frog with the boxing gloves a character from Cuphead?

The king explains to them what their mission is: "Long, long ago, frogs had no need to hibernate in winter. But surviving the chilly winter without food was a major concern. So our ancestors created a magical artifact - the Crystal Frog. It let us hibernate in winter and protected us from the freezing cold. It's hidden in the mysterious Holy Land. The crystal balances our ecology - the gate to the Holy Land opens once every one hundred years to absorb energy from the earth and sky. But that moment is the most dangerous. Should the Crystal Frog be removed from its holy sanctuary, its energy will dissipate, and the entire frog race will face extinction. That's why we need to protect it. The one hundred year mark is approaching." Okay, everybody get all that?

The king gives Freddie the map to the Holy Land, and Freddie says that he'll lead the mission on one condition: that Ababwa join them. Which is weird, seeing as they hate each other. Then again, if they encounter some gigantic frog-eating monster on the way there, they could use Ababwa as a sacrifice. "Once you enter the Holy Land, remember these..." the Frog King says. "One frog to protect home. One red heart to stand firm. One chance to take. Humbleness is the only truth." Oy, a riddle. Can't you just say "Do [THIS] because [THAT] will happen if you don't" or whatever?

So off Freddie, Ababwa, Muscles, Boogie, Devo, and Boxing Gloves Frog head to the Holy Land, only for Froglegs to interrupt them and interrogate them as to what's going on. They tell her that they're on a mission to protect the Crystal Frog, and she's baffled that the king would put Freddie in charge since he's supposedly a coward. Y'know, a coward who helped save the kingdom from the EVIL SNAKE. Also, Ababwa says that Freddie almost wet his pants when the king gave him the mission... even though Freddie doesn't wear pants.

See? No pants.

"Just to make sure this cowardly frog doesn't run away, I'm going with you!" the princess declares. And when the king finds out that his daughter is missing, he orders Noggin to find her. Because he was SOOOOOOOOO much help with that in the first movie, right?

First, the good guys travel through the oh-so-cheerily-named Black Forest, which actually isn't as scary as the name implies. There's even a frog resort in it - the Stick To Your Ribbets Resort, and guess who runs this resort?

If you guessed "that sleazy one-eyed frog who was in league with the evil snake and fattening the frogs up to get eaten", you're right! I was expecting everyone except the princess to fall for his tricks again because they're clearly all a few sodas short of a six-pack, but believe it or not, they don't. "A leopard can't change its spots!" Ababwa claims. But One-Eye insists that he's "metamorphized into a good frog" and makes a fart joke. To prove that he's a changed frog, he serves them all a scrumptious meal. Freddie, Ababwa and Froglegs are still suspicious, but Muscles seems pretty convinced.

Okay, spoiler alert: One-Eye is still evil. He's very intrigued when he hears about the Crystal Frog, and while Froglegs sleeps he swipes her map and shows it to the Big Four. Fortunately, Noggin and another frog named Smartypants see them and manage to steal it back. Not very hard, seeing as the Big Four is comprised entirely of idiots. Alas, the yellow poison dart frog identifies Noggin and we get a chase sequence.

Hopefully, that frog doesn't remember that he's poisonous, or it's curtains for Noggin.

Smartypants manages to get away with the map, but Noggin is captured, and One-Eye steals the map again offscreen anyway. And now that he has it, he is going to become KING OF THE WORLD!

...yeah, I don't think you have any chance of becoming King of the World, One-Eye. You're a FROG. Human beings - heck, ANY animal larger than a frog - aren't going to take a frog walking up to them and demanding that they bow down because he's the King of the World seriously.

Anyway, Freddie and Froglegs are led to One-Eye's evil lair by Freddie's pet fly. They save Noggin and he shows them the blueprints of One-Eye's plan. Then One-Eye's lizard henchmen trap them in a cage. One-Eye gloats that he's gonna use the map to find the Crystal Frog, steal it, and become the most powerful frog in the kingdom. Fortunately, when One-Eye and his goons leave, Muscles, Devo, and Ababwa show up and free them. Score one for the good guys.

Of course, One-Eye still has the map, so the score is all tied up.

They chase after One-Eye, but he leads them into ANOTHER trap: this time he's got a machine gun. But they make it to the ammo depot and return fire. They take down the Big Four, but One-Eye gets away. He sees the desert in front of him and thinks up yet another trap.

Boogie and Boxing Gloves Frog escort the Big Four back to the kingdom while the others go after One-Eye. They find two sets of tracks, so they split up: Noggin and Freddie follow the tracks into the desert, and the others follow the other footprints leading AWAY from the desert. Now, as the first movie established, frogs + hot sand + scorching sun is a dangerous combination, and soon Noggin becomes very thirsty. The mirages are no help at all. But Freddie eventually finds the stuff he needs to make a paraglider, which makes getting across the desert much easier. Downside: they wind up flying into a storm, and the paraglider winds up getting destroyed.

As for the others, Muscles and Froglegs fall into One-Eye's newest trap: the mouth of a hungry crocodile.

If Freddie were here, he'd probably be getting some serious deja vu.

But they get the crocodile to vomit them back out by punching its uvula. And then they spot One-Eye and, once again, give chase. Y'know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but even the snake was a better villain than One-Eye is. The snake sucked, but at least he was fun to mock. One-Eye is just pathetic.

Freddie and Noggin find water and catch up with the others. Then they find a boat! But the river they float along has rapids and, because it's a river in something animated, leads to a waterfall.

I would put the "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall." bit from The Emperor's
New Groove here, but it seems a bit too obvious.

After the waterfall, they have to deal with more rapids and - I am not kidding - a GIANT WHIRLPOOL. But what's this? The whirlpool leads into the Holy Land. But One-Eye has gotten there first. Noggin manages to tear off half of his cloak, which it promptly turns out is a PROTECTIVE cloak that protects One-Eye from being instantly frozen as soon as he touches the ice (totally how ice works, as you know). Noggin isn't so lucky.

I will not make a Frozen joke. I will not make a Frozen joke...

With their halves of the protective cloak, Froglegs and Freddie manage to avoid being frozen and chase after One-Eye through an icy tunnel full of monsters. Including... a Xenomorph. Wow, I'm amazed it took them this long to make a pop culture reference, considering how many the first movie had.

Incidentally, Freddie calls it a "two-headed thingamasaurus".

But they don't have to worry about the Xenomorph - it's frozen in place. Can't say the same for the giant ice monster that awaits them in the next room, though.

"Hey, wanna CHILL OUT? It's very ICE to meet you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! BAD PUNS!"

While dodging the ice monster's attacks, Freddie and Froglegs realize that his job must be to protect the Crystal Frog and remember that stupid riddle from before. This somehow gives Freddie the idea to remove a gem from one of the ice monster's knees, which takes it out... for a few seconds. Then it gets back up and grabs Froglegs. Eventually, however, Froglegs manages to explain to the monster that they're trying to protect the Crystal Frog, like he is, from One-Eye. But they can't stop One-Eye from removing another gem from the monster's forehead.

"Now I can sell this and become rich! Or at least I would if frogs had a use for money. Y'know,
since we're animals..."

So Froglegs and Freddie chase after One-Eye AGAIN - I swear most of this movie has just been them chasing after One-Eye and nothing more. At that moment, Muscles, Devo and Ababwa wind up in the Holy Land as well. Hopefully they avoid getting frozen like Noggin.

Froglegs and Freddie get to the entrance to the sanctuary where the Crystal Frog is, and the gem magically flies out of One-Eye's grasp and unlocks it for them.

"YOU ARE GIVEN PERMISSION TO ENTER NIRVANA. THE PLACE, NOT THE BAND."

But One-Eye gets inside first, and he finds lots and lots of frog statues made out of things like white jade, ruby, and sapphire. "The Frog Kingdom is all mine! Everyone will BOW before me!" he shouts. Wait, I thought the Crystal Frog was the thing that would give you the power to rule the world. Now it's just having a bunch of treasure?

As soon as One-Eye picks up one of the statues, he... freezes solid. Apparently this is because the Crystal Frog was already moved from its original place. I don't know. The room crumbles, and Freddie grabs another statue that he thinks is the Crystal Frog but is clearly not made out of crystal and, again, freezes solid. Now it's all up to Froglegs. She realizes that humbleness and humility are the answer, and then it's revealed that the Crystal Frog was hidden under the staircase the whole time. Wait a minute, what does that have to do with humbleness and humility? Well, with great difficulty she manages to touch the Crystal Frog, which unfreezes Freddie, One-Eye, and Noggin.

"Wait, that's not crystal. It looks like stone."

So the day is saved, right? Wrong. One-Eye steals the Crystal Frog, only to drop it in a chasm. He and Freddie fight while Froglegs tries to save the Crystal Frog. Long story short, Froglegs saves the Crystal Frog and puts it back. And the ice monster is revived, too! The day is saved! Now they just have to get out of there before they all wind up frozen.

Muscles, Noggin, Devo, and Ababwa save Froglegs, Freddie, and One-Eye, and they all head down the river in their boat. One-Eye might be a good guy now. And Froglegs has forgiven Freddie for ditching her the first time. So, all's well that ends well, and Freddie and Froglegs are gonna get married as soon as they get back to the kingdom and yadda-yadda-yadda?

Nope. Freddie jumps off the boat, into the water, and swims away, showing that he has basically learned nothing. Froglegs is furious. And that's it. That's how it ends.

What's the Verdict?

I will say that Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond or Frog Kingdom 2 or whatever is at least slightly better than the first film. There are less unfunny pop culture references, Freddie and Noggin are less annoying, and it's much less disgusting (thank goodness they didn't bring back that one frog with the eyes in his stomach. Eugh). Too bad the film still isn't very good. It's another movie that's mediocre at best. Most of the jokes aren't funny, the characters are dull, the plot just sort of meanders around and drags itself out for too long, and the ending isn't satisfying at all. It's not even interesting in how bad it is like Frog Kingdom was, it's just blah. I think I've learned from doing this blog that if a film is going to suck, it should at least suck in bizarre, out of the ordinary ways.

So, yeah. Technically better than Frog Kingdom, but not worth your time. Don't watch it.

Rating: Two frozen frogs out of five. It left me cold.

Oh, and apparently there are two more Frog Kingdom movies. I will not be reviewing them, so don't ask me to.

Let's Watch This: "Frog Kingdom" (2013)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

There are probably better things I could be doing with my time than watching direct-to-video schlock like this. But I knew the job was dangerous when I started this blog... okay, "dangerous" isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.

This is another animated movie from another country that we, the United States, found out about and said, "We want it." Directed by Nelson Shin and Melanie Simka, the film was originally released on December 28th, 2013 in China, but took until June 30th, 2015 to be released in the US.

Frog Kingdom is, as you might have guessed from the disclaimers at the beginning of the review, crap. Why do I say that? Let's get the review started, shall we?

It's a beautiful morning in the city of Frogville. The frogs of Frogville are all getting ready for the Froglympics, which are (as its name suggests) like the Olympics but for frogs. The ruler of the frogs, the creatively named Frog King (voiced by Keith David), is not pleased to learn that his daughter, Princess Froglegs, has run off again. Sorry, Frog King, but she's a princess in an animated movie. Being rebellious is kind of mandatory for her.

First complaint: the lip-syncing in this movie is really off. I know those are the risks you take when you give an animated movie from another country an English dub, but it's very distracting.

I'm gonna try not to make too many Amphibia references, but I find it funny
that Keith David voiced an amphibian king in this movie and then voiced an amphibian
king in that show too.

Why has Princess Froglegs (voiced by Bella Thorne) run off? Because the winner of the Froglympics gets to marry her, and she doesn't want to get married. Her solution? She and her best pal, Bestie (Dallas Lovato)... I guess whoever wrote this English dub wasn't very creative when it came to names... will enter the Froglympics disguised as males and win it themselves. Call me crazy, your highness, but I don't think you're gonna fool anyone into thinking that you're a guy. For one thing, you're wearing a dress.

And who names a frog "Froglegs" anyway? I've never heard of a person named
"Humanarms".

As Froglegs and Bestie explore the market, we are introduced to our OTHER lead character, Freddie (Cameron Dallas). He and his tadpole buddy Boogie (Nathan Barnatt) are selling wings - not chicken wings, since chickens are much too big for frogs to cook and eat, but rather insect wings. Then ANOTHER character shows up - a frog riding on a turtle who dubs himself Prince Froggie Ababwa. No relation to Prince Ali Ababwa, of course. He's here because he wants to compete in the Froglympics, but Freddie tells him he has no chance.

"But I've faced the galloping hordes! A hundred bad guys with swords!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you sent those goons to their lords. Now make like a fly
and buzz off."

Freddie and Froggie get into a fight over Freddie's pet housefly, who Froggie wants to eat for breakfast. Eventually, Froggie takes Boogie hostage and threatens to make him go "swirly down the toiley". Wait, is he going to drag him into a human household, climb up a human's toilet - which would be much larger than him - and flush him? Or is he implying that frogs have little frog-sized toilets? Either way, Freddie tricks him into letting Boogie go, and they make a run for it, Froggie in hot pursuit aboard his surprisingly fast turtle.

As for Froglegs and Bestie, they arrive at the Froglympics and sign up. Their flimsy disguises actually work, with nobody even questioning how these two frogs supposedly grew facial hair. "Let the qualification round begin!" the Frog King shouts. First, we get some frog boxing, an event easily won by this amphibian who has clearly been taking frog steroids.

I know simply putting the word "frog" in front of words like "boxing" and
"steroids" isn't funny. If YOU can think of a funnier joke to make here, I'd
love to hear it.

Next, it's time for frog ping-pong... with the ball being an EYEBALL. Okay, ew. Why are they using an eyeball? Is it a FROG's eyeball? Where did they even get it?

We also get frog pole-vaulting, frog fencing, and frog archery, but the Froglympics are suddenly interrupted by an evil toad and his toad minions with their machine guns and bees, but their interrupting the games is interrupted - interruptception! - by Freddie, Boogie, and Froggie. "I guess Prince Ababwa lost his magic carpet when he divorced Princess Jasmine," the announcer suggests, saving me the trouble of making another Aladdin joke myself.

Froggie continues to chase Freddie and Boogie around, and as a result Freddie manages to win the frog high-diving event. This makes the toads (remember them? They're still here) MAD! They head back to their evil lair to tell their boss, a snake, about it. Why does this snake want to ruin the Froglympics? Because he wants revenge on the Frog King and Queen for... something he's not going to tell us about. Sheesh, they were spitting out exposition left and right a few minutes ago, but now they can't be bothered to give us a LITTLE backstory? 

By the way, one of those toads is clearly a poison dart frog... which are, as their name suggests, frogs, not toads.

Snakes get no respect in animation. Yeah, some of them are venomous, but you
shouldn't paint ALL snakes as evil just because of a few bad apples.

The Frog King gets a letter from his daughter telling him that she doesn't want to get married so she's getting out of there ASAP. So he assigns a frog named Inspector Noggin (Gregg Sulkin) with finding her. And what does Inspector Noggin do? He makes a reference to Pinocchio. Yeah, something tells me this guy is gonna be about as competent as Inspector Gadget (see? I can make pop culture references too. Doesn't make me funny).

Then we cut to all the contenders in the Froglympics marching onto the field. A photo op has been set up where they can kiss a painting of the princess and get a photo of it. This irritates Froglegs, especially when Freddie makes the painting kiss his butt. So she throws the camera at him and calls everyone out for thinking it's funny. Good on ya, Froglegs.

"She's muh waifu!"

And believe it or not, Froglegs STILL has everyone fooled with her pathetic disguise. Even after she almost calls herself the princess, nobody - not even Noggin - puts two and two together. The frogs in this movie are so stupid, it's practically offensive to real frogs.

Then a lizard shows up and gives Freddie a flyer for some sort of "froggy boot camp". He, the frog who's clearly on steroids (Drake Bell), Prince Froggie, the Richard Simmons Frog, Boogie, the frog with sunglasses and what looks like a mowhawk (Brandon Hudson), and the frog with six eyes (which is just as if not more disturbing as them playing ping-pong with an eyeball before) are all on board with that.

Seriously, WHY does that one frog have six eyes? And why are four of his eyes
in his STOMACH?

Froglegs mopes about how there's no way she can beat those other frogs... I dunno, I think she could at least beat the one who inexplicably has six eyes... and then she and Bestie decide to go to the boot camp themselves. A boot camp which, according to Bestie, looks more like a five-star hotel. Problem is, the rooms are all booked up, which means Froglegs will have to share one with... take a wild guess...

"U MAD, FROGLEGS?"

After another unfunny sequence involving Noggin, the frogs wake up the next morning and meet Captain One-Eye (Rob Schneider), your typical drill sergeant who doesn't know the meaning of the phrase "use your indoor voice". But hey, he DOES feed them an extremely large breakfast, so he can't be all bad.

In fact, all he seems to have them do is eat and sleep. I've never been to a boot camp, but I'm guessing none of them are actually like this.

"I want to see those plates cleaned, you maggots!"

That night, Freddie does some sleepwalking and walks into the strange tarp-covered thing that we saw some lizards wheeling into the camp in an earlier scene. When he enters the machine, he finds himself in... Happy Feet?

"Cute and cuddly, boys! Cute and cuddly!"

After Freddie's acid trip, it's revealed that the machine's purpose is to trap frogs in blocks of ice. We previously saw the snake use this machine on one of the toads. Suspicious, isn't it?

Fortunately, being frozen in a block of ice doesn't prevent Freddie from continuing his sleepwalk, and by the time he wakes up the next morning, the ice has melted. So, yeah, I'm not sure what the point of that was. Anyway, Froglegs demands to know why Captain One-Eye is trying to fatten them up. Instead of answering, he force-feeds her cheesecake, and she kicks him. So he punishes them all by dragging them out to the desert so they'll be nice and crispy for the lizard he's totally not going to feed them to. Yeah, spoiler alert: he's in league with the snake. I don't know why the snake needs to go through all the trouble of having them fattened up and baked in the sun when he could just show up, grab them in his coils, and gobble them up one by one, but just go with it.

Fortunately, after Captain One-Eye leaves to fix up some frog-marinating sauce, Freddie discovers that the desert is actually a beach. There's water close by. And thus, everybody has some fun in the water. "Ain't nobody gonna be servin' frog legs today! Not on MY watch! This ain't no French bistro!" Froglegs snaps.

Apparently there exist little frog-sized speedboats. Who knew?

The snake is very angry when he finds out that ain't nobody gonna be servin' frog legs today. Speaking of frogs getting eaten, Froglegs and Freddie run afoul of some "venus frog traps" and after that they randomly start to like each other. They even go for a ride on the back of a bat.

"I can show you the world..."

Next, the snake gives One-Eye some of his venom and tells him to use it on all those puny frogs in Frogville.

"Oh, right. The poison. The poison for the frogs. The poison chosen specifically to kill
the frogs. The frogs' poison... that poison?"

"Yes! That poison!"

It seems that all the frogs have to is SMELL the venom and they're out like a light. Fortunately, Freddie's pet fly finds him and Froglegs and goes all Lassie to tell them that the other frogs are in danger. Oh, and Noggin is there too. He has a whole army with him, and he thinks those two frogs on a bat might know something about the missing princess.

They manage to save the other frogs, but will be they able to save themselves from the snake?

The animators of Rango never should have allowed these guys to copy their homework.

Most of them get away, but Freddie isn't so lucky. The other frogs want to make a run for it, but Froglegs gives a big speech about loyalty and bravery and blah-blah-blah. Meanwhile, Noggin builds a robotic duplicate of the princess so the games can go on as planned. Wow, who knew frogs were so good with technology?

Back with the snake, he gives us some explanation as to why he wants revenge. Years ago, a mighty war was raged among the kingdom of frogs, led by his parents. But the frog king and queen took them down. Then he hypnotizes Freddie, as snakes in cartoons are known to do.

We cut to the Froglympics, with everyone, even Freddie, there. Froglegs realizes that One-Eye is controlling Freddie and demands, "What did you do with that frogolicious frog?!" Oh, and the robot may or may not be evil now too, because it lures them into a trap.

Hello, nightmare fuel.

After Froglegs manages to KO the robot, they have to deal with crocodiles. One of them eats Freddie. "Even though I hated you, I still loved you," Froglegs sobs. But what's this? Freddie getting eaten by the crocodile snaps him out of his trance... I don't know how, in case you were wondering... and he emerges from its mouth.

They go back to the Froglympics just as One-Eye is being dubbed the winner. Noggin now thinks that One-Eye is the princess in disguise. Jeez, this frog makes Patrick Star look like Albert Einstein. But the Froglympics aren't over yet - the event wraps up with a friendly game of Frog Quidditch (the fact that it's a knockoff of Quidditch is even lampshaded). By the way, I notice nobody finds it at all weird that the robot princess is competing in the game. If she was allowed to compete all along, why did Froglegs even need to disguise herself?

"Eat your heart out, Michael Jordan!"

Froglegs wins the game, which means that she won the entire Froglympics. Ha! Suck it, One-Eye! But then the snake shows up... wow, he sure took his sweet time getting there to enact his revenge... and he's all "I'M GONNA EAT YOU ALL!" and has One-Eye suck the frogs up into his weird machine that freezes frogs in blocks of ice. Freddie, Froglegs, the king, and everyone not already stuck in an ice block fights him in a battle scene that I'm sure was intended to be cool but is hard to take seriously when the characters say things like "It's time to pay the froggies!" and "You're a bad, bad king!".

So what was the point of hypnotizing Freddie again?

After a fight that goes on for what feels like an HOUR, Froglegs manages to trap the snake in his own ice block machine, freezing the stupid serpent solid. I suppose I should say "I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" here, but I won't.

Now that the snake has been defeated, Froglegs reveals that she's the princess. "I'm sorry. Your life is yours to live as you wish," the Frog King tells her. "You can marry who you want." Boogie hooks up with the robot princess... even though A) he's a tadpole and B) she's a robot. And Freddie and Froglegs... actually DON'T get married yet. Freddie heads off to do some more wandering, but says he might return. Huh. That's something I wasn't expecting them to do. Okay, I'll give 'em credit for not going the cliched route...

What's the Verdict?

...but that doesn't mean I'm going to give this a positive review.

Frog Kingdom blows. It doesn't even feel like an actual movie, it feels like a gag dub of a movie you'd find on YouTube. The lip-syncing is extremely off, characters frequently speak without even moving their mouths at all, and most of the dialogue is cringe-worthy. I didn't even mention half of the stupid jokes in this film. There are references to Superman and Indiana Jones and even Vanilla Ice of all people. Yes, yes, I know what these things are, it's still not funny.

The plot is disjointed and stretched out far too long - so many scenes and plot points are dragged out, then resolved in the blink of an eye (Freddie getting eaten by the crocodile? Yeah, that was totally needed) or even discarded without explanation (Freddie getting captured by the snake and Froglegs urging everyone to help save him... only for the snake to hypnotize him and just let him go off-camera). The characters suck too. Froglegs is just another generic tough, rebellious princess who don't take no crap from anyone. Freddie is just annoying and can't go five seconds without making a stupid wisecrack. They barely even have a romantic arc. The villain is tremendously lame, between the goofy voice and the incredibly stupid lines he spews out you can't take him seriously at all. He feels like a teenager in high school trying to be scary as he's stealing your lunch money. Everyone else is either dull, annoying, or gross.

Combine all this with some mediocre voice acting and character designs that range from okay to ugly and you've got another film that's not worth your time. Maybe this was better in the original Chinese, I don't know, but somehow I doubt it. Ah well, at least there weren't any sequels...

You have got to be kidding me.

Rating: One lilypad out of five. Hop away.

Let's Watch This: "Elephant Kingdom" (2016)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

I wasn't sure if I was going to do a review of this, but then I saw somebody claim on Letterboxd that it was really weird and I thought "Okay, yeah, I gotta take a look at it."

So, like its predecessor, The Blue Elephant, this film got its start in its home of Thailand as a sequel to Khan Kluay, simply called Khaun Kluay 2. It was directed by Taweelap Srivuthivong. Since the Weinstein Company had previously done an English dub of the first film, an English dub of this one was released here... by Lionsgate and Simka Entertainment. Even the Weinsteins didn't want this one, it would seem.

The really strange thing about Elephant Kingdom is that it lacks basically any ties to The Blue Elephant. The characters' names were changed and none of the original voice actors came back (and the lack of Martin Short immediately puts this one at a disadvantage compared to the first). Maybe we should just ignore the first film and treat this one as its own thing? Maybe? Whatever, it's free to watch on YouTube so we're gonna review it. This is Elephant Kingdom.

The movie starts off with Jai... oh, I'm sorry, Wingman... y'know what, I'm just gonna keep calling him Jai... perching in front of us and shouting "Let me hear some LOVE! ...no? Oh, typical. I'll just get on with the story." And here we run into our first problem: you can not go from Martin Short to Garrett Clayton. They sound nothing alike. It's tremendously jarring.

Like, this is on par with the Monsters vs. Aliens TV show's replacing Reese Witherspoon
as the voice of Ginormica with Riki Lindhome.

Many years ago, Jai tells us, there was a great and powerful kingdom with a king who wanted to be even greater and more powerful. Usually, that results in them taking over another kingdom. If Jai saying that this is "when all the trouble started" is any indication, this king might've had the same idea...

But before we can get any more information, we see Jai flying around through Asia, fluttering by elephants, deer, monkeys, etc. before arriving at a village filled with creepy CGI humans. Just as jarring as the film's replacement of Martin Short with Garrett Clayton is the sudden replacement of the orchestral music with a generic pop song performed by the Not-Jonas Brothers.

Lift those legs, fellas!

He eventually arrives at a bunch of elephants having an aerobics class, led by the Blue Elephant himself, Khaun Kluay... or, as he's called now, Rok (voiced by Cary Elwes as opposed to Jeremy Redleaf). "'Sup, Wingman? What's the word, bird?" he asks, to which Jai replies, "Bird's the word!" and I resist the urge to make a "Surfin' Bird" joke.

"Rok's the best," Jai tells us. "He's like the bravest, toughest elephant ever, but with that sensitive boy band 'I've got you, girl' side, too." Okay, does EVERY line in this movie sound like it was written by a 2010s teenager? Was anyone actually saying "I've got you, girl" or "Let me hear some LOVE!" in 2016?

"Do you know how long it took me to train those lightning bugs to swarm in the shape
of a heart? Like, three days. But it was totally worth it."

Rok's mate, Kon Suay... or, as she's called now, Melody (voiced by Alexa PenaVega as opposed to Miranda Cosgrove), has something really exciting she needs to tell him, but he's too busy fighting in wars for her to tell him. There's always a battle going on, so I guess there are a lot of nations in this time period who have a bone to pick with Siam.

"When do we have time to be a family, Rok?" Melody asks him. Oh, jeez, is this one of those "the father is always at work and never has time for his family" movies?

"And why are you suddenly British?"

Melody does finally manage to tell Rok that she's going to have a calf or two, then continues to complain about how he's always at work. "I should've married a circus elephant. They're always around," she laments. Sure, they're always around, but how financially stable would you be? Circus elephants work for peanuts.

After Rok and Melody patch things up, Jai shows up to tell them that the king made a law: no more families. Yes, he apparently wants people to stop getting married and having kids. That's like making a law to stop people from breathing air. Why would he do this? Because families "take too much time" and he wants everyone to focus on TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Wasn't the king of Siam a good guy in the first movie? When did he go all "MUST ACHIEVE WORLD DOMINATION"?

Apparently, a lot of families are hiding in the jungle so they can continue to live their lives, but Rok says he can't hide because he's the general's elephant. But maybe Melody and his mother, Nuan... sorry, NANNA... can still hide until he figures something out.

"No, seriously, why ARE you suddenly British?"

"All the elephants love you. Talk to them, Rok," Nanna urges him. "Maybe humans are okay without families. But for elephants, families are the most important thing in the world." Maybe the elephants will listen to Rok, but the king probably won't... and not just because the humans can't understand what the elephants are saying (or can they?). He's banned any and all family activity - playtime, hugs, family dinners, vacations, bedtime stories, parks, what have you. Anyone who disobeys is thrown in the dungeon.

The elephants are not happy about this, but King Patrick Warburton is convinced that they'll eventually forget about their families. "Without families distracting them, they'll be the most fearless battle beasts ever," he declares. Doubtful, seeing as elephants are known for never forgetting anything. Fortunately, he has the help of some sort of sorcerer guy named Hemlock who's whipping up a magic potion to erase their memories. Yeah, y'know how the first movie was pretty realistic outside of the whole "talking animals" thing? Now we have a sorcerer. Okay then...

I'm just going to assume this king isn't the same king from the first movie but an entirely
new character. Maybe they'll explain where the original king went, maybe they won't,
we'll just have to wait and see...

After the sorceror completes his potion, we cut to a bunch of elephant calves playing. Two of them are Rok and Melody's kids, Mojo and Magic, and the others are orphans, presumably because of the whole "no families" thing.

Guess which one is the girl. (Hint: what color is usually associated with girls?)

Jai catches up with Rok to tell him that his calves are doing great. That night, three of the young elephants attempt to scare Nanna by disguising themselves as a Christmas tree with elephant ears (it makes sense in context. Sort of. Not really), and she is not amused by it. "She looked like she was gonna pee her pants!" one of them, Pugsley (Mikey Bolts) says... even though the elephants don't wear pants. As for the girl elephant...

"She's pink, so that probably means she tastes like a pig. We're eatin' bacon tonight!"

The king's warriors are laying siege to this small village and placing all of its residents under arrest. The elephants try to fight back, but it's no use, and Nanna actually winds up dying. Holy Toledo, it's only been twenty-three minutes and they've already offed a character? Well, I guess is Dehli Safari can do it...

So after that incredibly dark scene, what do we cut to? A dance party, of course! Elephants and ugly CGI humans are getting their groove on. One ugly CGI human mentions Chuck E. Cheese... what time period does this movie take place in? According to Wikipedia, it's set during the war between Ayutthaya and Hanthawaddy. I didn't know they had Chuck E. Cheeses back then.

He's a pretty smooth dancer for an animal that usually weighs about 8,800 lbs.

Just then, Rok notices Jai sitting on the branch of a nearby tree and asks him about Melody, Nanna and the twins. "Rok, the king's soldiers... they found Melody's village..." Jai says regretfully. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, there's nothing I could do..." Thunder clouds and sad violin music show up to add ambiance as Rok cries out in fury.

"DARN YOU, KING PATRICK WARBURTOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

Rok pays a visit to the Hall of Heroes, where his father's remains are kept. "I don't want to disobey an order, Papa," he says, "But I'm going to get my family back. You see, they need me. And more importantly, I need THEM." In other words, he's going AWOL.

The soldiers and Tian, the Carl Reiner-voiced elephant trainer from the first movie (NOT voiced by Carl Reiner this time, but whoever did his voice isn't mentioned in the credits so I don't know who it is) find out the next morning that Rok has made like Dumbo and flown the coop. Under the king's orders, the soldiers throw Tian in a jail cell. We get a montage of Rok and Jai traveling to the city, but King Patrick Warburton already knows about Rok, and thus the city is heavily guarded so the "rebel elephant" doesn't get in. What to do? He decides to knock out a guard elephant and steal his armor. A perfect disguise, assuming that the king didn't mention to the guards that the "rebel elephant" was BLUE.

Rok's color scheme is making me hungry for blueberries.

Melody and the twins are in the city, too, and Melody manages to break free of the ropes that bind her and go all Mama Bear to save her kids. Before Hemlock (the sorceror) and the soldiers can do anything to her, the queen of... I'm assuming this is still Siam, Diane, shows up and says, "You must know, no matter what you do, you can not steal the love from an elephant's heart." Alas, that doesn't stop Hemlock from zapping Melody with the "forget all relatives" potion.

Okay, so it seems like Hemlock is the one responsible for all of this going on - like, he's putting these "keep expanding, conquer other nations and take over the world" ideas in the king's head. Considering how obviously evil he is, why did the king and queen even hire him in the first place? Didn't they do a background check first?

Maybe he had really good credentials?

The potion makes Melody go unconsious, but she wakes up that night in a safe place where Queen Diane and what appears to be a female sumo wrestler have taken her. "I'm no fan of the king's laws," Queen Diane admits. Okay, then why don't you DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM? You're the queen. His WIFE. His EQUAL. Don't you get a veto or something?

Meanwhile, the elephant calves attempt to escape their imprisonment, which leads to fart jokes because of course it does. "Smells like Fart Knox in here!" one of them moans... even though Fort Knox was established in 1918, long after this film supposedly takes place. And I thought the mouse in The Scarecrow mentioning the Titanic was out of place. Then another elephant calf named Rally shows up and offers them his assistance in his weird Fonzie-esque voice.

"Ayyyyyyyy!"

Rally helps the kids escape and then they meet up with Rok and Jai. Rally mentions that he knows where to find the dungeon where Mojo and Magic are being held, but it seems like the twins don't need to be rescued - they manage to escape their cell, and the guards chasing after them are promptly beaten up by Rok. Score one for the good guys.

They kind of look like Littlest Pet Shop toys, don't they?

Downside: since Rok has been absent for the first chunk of their lives, the twins don't recognize their father. To make matters worse, the sorcerer shows up and magically conjures up a cell for Rok to be trapped in.

Queen Diane enlists the help of some three guys who make unfunny jokes, and then somebody shows up and tells her that the King is having a ceremony that night to make everyone forget their families forever. "Tell the rebels the queen is on their side!" Queen Diane exclaims. Then Jai finds Melody and tells her that the King captured Rok and the twins. Oh, and I should also mention that the King has a son. Because of the "no families" law, Queen Diane isn't allowed to see him. And when he gives his father a gift, the King says he's "breaking the law". Jeez, this guy is cold. He makes Judge Frollo look like a loving father.

Queen Diane sends the three guys to rescue as many prisoners as they can. All the soldiers and elephants are lined up at the ceremony in front of the king. "Soldiers of Darklandia!" he says... apparently, this isn't Siam after all? Well, that explains a lot... although it also raises further questions. "Ask not what you can do for your parents! Or your brothers or sisters! Or CHILDREN! Seriously... don't even ask those things EVER! Seriously. Just DON'T! Ask only how your country can take over the world... and all the wealth WITHIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"And nobody make fun of me for wearing makeup! Or say that I sound like the wolf
from Hoodwinked, for that matter!"

Melody, Jai, and the elephant calves attempt to save Rok and the twins, but suddenly the platforms that they're chained to are lifted up to where the ceremony is going on. Hemlock plans to blast them with the potion too... speaking of which, why didn't the potion work on Melody earlier?

The king tells his son that you can't run a country when you don't respect the law. "But fortunately, I'll soon forget you're my son and you'll never be the king! HA!" he adds. Dear lord, this guy is vile. I think we all owe Buck Cluck some apologies. While this is going on, Melody, Jai, Rally, and Pugsley wind up in what Jai describes as an "employees only" area, surrounded by bad guys. How will they ever escape? We'll have to find out later, because we cut to Hemlock about to unleash his magic spell. "Release the magic mist!" he snarls, but before anyone can get brainwashed, the rebels start releasing giant lanterns into the air and Rok remembers that he's, y'know, an ELEPHANT and easily breaks out of his cell. But he still has to fight Drago, the fiercest elephant under the sorceror's command. He is evil. He is nothing but pure hatred and an urge to fight. So basically, he's the same character as the Black Elephant from the first one.

Fun fact: we only now reached teh halfway point. Yes, it took this long for the movie
to be half-over!

Who emerges victorious? Well, Rok manages to send Drago flying into a giant podium, but just as he gets to his kids, a giant statue falls on top of them. Bombs start going off. The king announces that he's going to throw Hemlock in the dungeon and finish the job myself. Fortunately, Rok and his kids survived the statue falling on them - I guess there are benefits to having thick skin. Unfortunately, the king uses his son to make his wife reveal that she's with the rebels. "You both betray your king! I needed to see it with my own eyes," he snaps. "You'll pay for this, dearly! Soon, I'll be king of everything! And you two won't have ANYTHING! HA!"

"You're the one who has nothing! Without love, there's nothing worth having and nothing worth fighting for at all," Queen Diane replies. The king dubs her ungrateful - he gave her China, he gave her Egypt, he practically gave her the whole entire world, but she insists that he doesn't know how to give. You need to CARE to give. Quick question, Queen Diane - why did you marry this guy?

Rok, Jai, and the twins save Melody, Pugsly, and Rally from the bad guys, and one of the rebels manages to set the entire place aflame as they escape. In case you're wondering about the other elephant calves, they've spent the entire climax in one of the floating lanterns. We get another fart joke, which leads to the lantern going up in flames too. Eventually, they all wind up on a bridge, and it's soldier-fighting time... or rather, soldier-blowing-up time.

Meanwhile, Tian is still rotting in a jail cell.

The rebels have succeeded in defeating the bad guys, which means they can be families in public again. Happy ending time, right? Nope, the general says that Rok has to face charges for deserting the army. The queen and prince went into hiding, so until they return, the general's in charge, and he's not happy. Apparently he was on board with the whole "no families" thing?

So they all go to see the general, who tells his men to keep Rok locked up and they'll decide his fate in the morning. But then in the morning, guess who shows up again?

"Does anyone have any Clear Eyes? I hear for dry red eyes, it's awesome."

And who did Hemlock bring with him? An army of ZOMBIES! Yes, we have ZOMBIES now. I feel sorry for any kids who bought this film on DVD expecting a cute movie about candy-colored elephants in a kingdom and being scared out of their wits by the evil king putting those elephants in peril and the ZOMBIES.

Zombies are great at archery, did you know that?

Everyone either runs for their lives or fights the zombies, and when Rok saves the general he realizes that maybe what Rok did wasn't so dishonorable after all. They head up to the mountain where the sorceror is standing to beat him up, but he's got an elephant with him too - Drago, now ALSO a zombie! We get more fighting and eventually they wind up underwater. Rok and the general escape to the surface while Drago is crushed by rocks and presumably drowns. The elephant calves, meanwhile, have to deal with the sorceror's pet snake.

"Let's see, which order to eat them in?"

Oh, false alarm on Drago drowning - he just emerges from the rocks and arrives back on the surface. I guess zombie elephants can hold their breath for a really long time. "Drago! Stop playing coochie-coochie in the doochie and finish him!" Hemlock snaps... what exactly did he think Drago was DOING down there? The good guys are still fighting the zombies, and eventually they figure out that they can melt the zombies with fire. But Hemlock doesn't give up there - next, he summons GHOSTS and has them posess the zombies. It looks like this guy is unstoppable... until the general throws his sword at his staff, destroying it. The zombies all go bye-bye, the snake shrinks down to the size of an earthworm, and the ghosts all beat the crap out of the sorcerer and he... explodes or something, I don't know.

All's well that ends well, right? Nope. Drago did a number on Rok, and he actually dies. It's not one of those "oh, everyone thinks they died but then they wake up" things, we actually see Rok arriving in the afterlife. But he decides to go back - he's got a wife and kids, after all. I can't believe they actually killed the main character, even briefly.

"You did the right thing," the general tells Rok. "I thought honor was everything. The truth is, love and honor, they're the same thing. Thank you for teaching us that... you honorable elephant."

And Tian is still in that jail cell. Just saying.

The movie ends with Jai, who was knocked into the water during the climax, emerging. "Typical," he moans. Then we get another song by the Not-Jonas Brothers over the credits. What happened to the king? I don't know, they never tell us.

What's the Verdict?

Well, that was... something, I'll give it that.

As a sequel, it's basically ruined by the lack of ties to the first one. But you can't just take it as its own thing because it still requires you to have seen the first one to understand who these characters are, and why Rok works as a war elephant. But, then, why change the names? Why do they live in Darklandia instead of Siam now? Who is this new evil king?

Even ignoring that, most of the film is pretty blah. You have lots of unfunny jokes, most of them cringe-worthy attempts at toilet humor with the occasional pop culture reference sprinkled in. The new characters are incredibly uninteresting - Rok's kids are basically given nothing to do, the other young elephants are just there to make bad jokes, even the over-the-top villains aren't fun to watch. Martin Short's absence is certainly felt, this new version of Jai is far more annoying. The animation? It's about on par with the original - the animals look fine, though some of the young elephants' character designs are off-putting, the humans just look ugly. And dear lord, is it DARK. The zombies during the climax at least made things more interesting, but having so much of the film be the bad guys talking about how much families suck and the king emotionally abusing his kid just felt WRONG. And that's not even getting into how Rok briefly dies. It takes guts to kill the lead, but there's a reason why more animated movies don't do it.

Good things about it? Cary Elwes, Patrick Warburton and Alexa PenaVega are doing their best, but that's about all the good stuff I can say about Elephant Kingdom. Even if you like the first one, I wouldn't recommend watching it.

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