Let's Watch This: "Elephant Kingdom" (2016)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

I wasn't sure if I was going to do a review of this, but then I saw somebody claim on Letterboxd that it was really weird and I thought "Okay, yeah, I gotta take a look at it."

So, like its predecessor, The Blue Elephant, this film got its start in its home of Thailand as a sequel to Khan Kluay, simply called Khaun Kluay 2. It was directed by Taweelap Srivuthivong. Since the Weinstein Company had previously done an English dub of the first film, an English dub of this one was released here... by Lionsgate and Simka Entertainment. Even the Weinsteins didn't want this one, it would seem.

The really strange thing about Elephant Kingdom is that it lacks basically any ties to The Blue Elephant. The characters' names were changed and none of the original voice actors came back (and the lack of Martin Short immediately puts this one at a disadvantage compared to the first). Maybe we should just ignore the first film and treat this one as its own thing? Maybe? Whatever, it's free to watch on YouTube so we're gonna review it. This is Elephant Kingdom.

The movie starts off with Jai... oh, I'm sorry, Wingman... y'know what, I'm just gonna keep calling him Jai... perching in front of us and shouting "Let me hear some LOVE! ...no? Oh, typical. I'll just get on with the story." And here we run into our first problem: you can not go from Martin Short to Garrett Clayton. They sound nothing alike. It's tremendously jarring.

Like, this is on par with the Monsters vs. Aliens TV show's replacing Reese Witherspoon
as the voice of Ginormica with Riki Lindhome.

Many years ago, Jai tells us, there was a great and powerful kingdom with a king who wanted to be even greater and more powerful. Usually, that results in them taking over another kingdom. If Jai saying that this is "when all the trouble started" is any indication, this king might've had the same idea...

But before we can get any more information, we see Jai flying around through Asia, fluttering by elephants, deer, monkeys, etc. before arriving at a village filled with creepy CGI humans. Just as jarring as the film's replacement of Martin Short with Garrett Clayton is the sudden replacement of the orchestral music with a generic pop song performed by the Not-Jonas Brothers.

Lift those legs, fellas!

He eventually arrives at a bunch of elephants having an aerobics class, led by the Blue Elephant himself, Khaun Kluay... or, as he's called now, Rok (voiced by Cary Elwes as opposed to Jeremy Redleaf). "'Sup, Wingman? What's the word, bird?" he asks, to which Jai replies, "Bird's the word!" and I resist the urge to make a "Surfin' Bird" joke.

"Rok's the best," Jai tells us. "He's like the bravest, toughest elephant ever, but with that sensitive boy band 'I've got you, girl' side, too." Okay, does EVERY line in this movie sound like it was written by a 2010s teenager? Was anyone actually saying "I've got you, girl" or "Let me hear some LOVE!" in 2016?

"Do you know how long it took me to train those lightning bugs to swarm in the shape
of a heart? Like, three days. But it was totally worth it."

Rok's mate, Kon Suay... or, as she's called now, Melody (voiced by Alexa PenaVega as opposed to Miranda Cosgrove), has something really exciting she needs to tell him, but he's too busy fighting in wars for her to tell him. There's always a battle going on, so I guess there are a lot of nations in this time period who have a bone to pick with Siam.

"When do we have time to be a family, Rok?" Melody asks him. Oh, jeez, is this one of those "the father is always at work and never has time for his family" movies?

"And why are you suddenly British?"

Melody does finally manage to tell Rok that she's going to have a calf or two, then continues to complain about how he's always at work. "I should've married a circus elephant. They're always around," she laments. Sure, they're always around, but how financially stable would you be? Circus elephants work for peanuts.

After Rok and Melody patch things up, Jai shows up to tell them that the king made a law: no more families. Yes, he apparently wants people to stop getting married and having kids. That's like making a law to stop people from breathing air. Why would he do this? Because families "take too much time" and he wants everyone to focus on TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Wasn't the king of Siam a good guy in the first movie? When did he go all "MUST ACHIEVE WORLD DOMINATION"?

Apparently, a lot of families are hiding in the jungle so they can continue to live their lives, but Rok says he can't hide because he's the general's elephant. But maybe Melody and his mother, Nuan... sorry, NANNA... can still hide until he figures something out.

"No, seriously, why ARE you suddenly British?"

"All the elephants love you. Talk to them, Rok," Nanna urges him. "Maybe humans are okay without families. But for elephants, families are the most important thing in the world." Maybe the elephants will listen to Rok, but the king probably won't... and not just because the humans can't understand what the elephants are saying (or can they?). He's banned any and all family activity - playtime, hugs, family dinners, vacations, bedtime stories, parks, what have you. Anyone who disobeys is thrown in the dungeon.

The elephants are not happy about this, but King Patrick Warburton is convinced that they'll eventually forget about their families. "Without families distracting them, they'll be the most fearless battle beasts ever," he declares. Doubtful, seeing as elephants are known for never forgetting anything. Fortunately, he has the help of some sort of sorcerer guy named Hemlock who's whipping up a magic potion to erase their memories. Yeah, y'know how the first movie was pretty realistic outside of the whole "talking animals" thing? Now we have a sorcerer. Okay then...

I'm just going to assume this king isn't the same king from the first movie but an entirely
new character. Maybe they'll explain where the original king went, maybe they won't,
we'll just have to wait and see...

After the sorceror completes his potion, we cut to a bunch of elephant calves playing. Two of them are Rok and Melody's kids, Mojo and Magic, and the others are orphans, presumably because of the whole "no families" thing.

Guess which one is the girl. (Hint: what color is usually associated with girls?)

Jai catches up with Rok to tell him that his calves are doing great. That night, three of the young elephants attempt to scare Nanna by disguising themselves as a Christmas tree with elephant ears (it makes sense in context. Sort of. Not really), and she is not amused by it. "She looked like she was gonna pee her pants!" one of them, Pugsley (Mikey Bolts) says... even though the elephants don't wear pants. As for the girl elephant...

"She's pink, so that probably means she tastes like a pig. We're eatin' bacon tonight!"

The king's warriors are laying siege to this small village and placing all of its residents under arrest. The elephants try to fight back, but it's no use, and Nanna actually winds up dying. Holy Toledo, it's only been twenty-three minutes and they've already offed a character? Well, I guess is Dehli Safari can do it...

So after that incredibly dark scene, what do we cut to? A dance party, of course! Elephants and ugly CGI humans are getting their groove on. One ugly CGI human mentions Chuck E. Cheese... what time period does this movie take place in? According to Wikipedia, it's set during the war between Ayutthaya and Hanthawaddy. I didn't know they had Chuck E. Cheeses back then.

He's a pretty smooth dancer for an animal that usually weighs about 8,800 lbs.

Just then, Rok notices Jai sitting on the branch of a nearby tree and asks him about Melody, Nanna and the twins. "Rok, the king's soldiers... they found Melody's village..." Jai says regretfully. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, there's nothing I could do..." Thunder clouds and sad violin music show up to add ambiance as Rok cries out in fury.

"DARN YOU, KING PATRICK WARBURTOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

Rok pays a visit to the Hall of Heroes, where his father's remains are kept. "I don't want to disobey an order, Papa," he says, "But I'm going to get my family back. You see, they need me. And more importantly, I need THEM." In other words, he's going AWOL.

The soldiers and Tian, the Carl Reiner-voiced elephant trainer from the first movie (NOT voiced by Carl Reiner this time, but whoever did his voice isn't mentioned in the credits so I don't know who it is) find out the next morning that Rok has made like Dumbo and flown the coop. Under the king's orders, the soldiers throw Tian in a jail cell. We get a montage of Rok and Jai traveling to the city, but King Patrick Warburton already knows about Rok, and thus the city is heavily guarded so the "rebel elephant" doesn't get in. What to do? He decides to knock out a guard elephant and steal his armor. A perfect disguise, assuming that the king didn't mention to the guards that the "rebel elephant" was BLUE.

Rok's color scheme is making me hungry for blueberries.

Melody and the twins are in the city, too, and Melody manages to break free of the ropes that bind her and go all Mama Bear to save her kids. Before Hemlock (the sorceror) and the soldiers can do anything to her, the queen of... I'm assuming this is still Siam, Diane, shows up and says, "You must know, no matter what you do, you can not steal the love from an elephant's heart." Alas, that doesn't stop Hemlock from zapping Melody with the "forget all relatives" potion.

Okay, so it seems like Hemlock is the one responsible for all of this going on - like, he's putting these "keep expanding, conquer other nations and take over the world" ideas in the king's head. Considering how obviously evil he is, why did the king and queen even hire him in the first place? Didn't they do a background check first?

Maybe he had really good credentials?

The potion makes Melody go unconsious, but she wakes up that night in a safe place where Queen Diane and what appears to be a female sumo wrestler have taken her. "I'm no fan of the king's laws," Queen Diane admits. Okay, then why don't you DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM? You're the queen. His WIFE. His EQUAL. Don't you get a veto or something?

Meanwhile, the elephant calves attempt to escape their imprisonment, which leads to fart jokes because of course it does. "Smells like Fart Knox in here!" one of them moans... even though Fort Knox was established in 1918, long after this film supposedly takes place. And I thought the mouse in The Scarecrow mentioning the Titanic was out of place. Then another elephant calf named Rally shows up and offers them his assistance in his weird Fonzie-esque voice.

"Ayyyyyyyy!"

Rally helps the kids escape and then they meet up with Rok and Jai. Rally mentions that he knows where to find the dungeon where Mojo and Magic are being held, but it seems like the twins don't need to be rescued - they manage to escape their cell, and the guards chasing after them are promptly beaten up by Rok. Score one for the good guys.

They kind of look like Littlest Pet Shop toys, don't they?

Downside: since Rok has been absent for the first chunk of their lives, the twins don't recognize their father. To make matters worse, the sorcerer shows up and magically conjures up a cell for Rok to be trapped in.

Queen Diane enlists the help of some three guys who make unfunny jokes, and then somebody shows up and tells her that the King is having a ceremony that night to make everyone forget their families forever. "Tell the rebels the queen is on their side!" Queen Diane exclaims. Then Jai finds Melody and tells her that the King captured Rok and the twins. Oh, and I should also mention that the King has a son. Because of the "no families" law, Queen Diane isn't allowed to see him. And when he gives his father a gift, the King says he's "breaking the law". Jeez, this guy is cold. He makes Judge Frollo look like a loving father.

Queen Diane sends the three guys to rescue as many prisoners as they can. All the soldiers and elephants are lined up at the ceremony in front of the king. "Soldiers of Darklandia!" he says... apparently, this isn't Siam after all? Well, that explains a lot... although it also raises further questions. "Ask not what you can do for your parents! Or your brothers or sisters! Or CHILDREN! Seriously... don't even ask those things EVER! Seriously. Just DON'T! Ask only how your country can take over the world... and all the wealth WITHIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"And nobody make fun of me for wearing makeup! Or say that I sound like the wolf
from Hoodwinked, for that matter!"

Melody, Jai, and the elephant calves attempt to save Rok and the twins, but suddenly the platforms that they're chained to are lifted up to where the ceremony is going on. Hemlock plans to blast them with the potion too... speaking of which, why didn't the potion work on Melody earlier?

The king tells his son that you can't run a country when you don't respect the law. "But fortunately, I'll soon forget you're my son and you'll never be the king! HA!" he adds. Dear lord, this guy is vile. I think we all owe Buck Cluck some apologies. While this is going on, Melody, Jai, Rally, and Pugsley wind up in what Jai describes as an "employees only" area, surrounded by bad guys. How will they ever escape? We'll have to find out later, because we cut to Hemlock about to unleash his magic spell. "Release the magic mist!" he snarls, but before anyone can get brainwashed, the rebels start releasing giant lanterns into the air and Rok remembers that he's, y'know, an ELEPHANT and easily breaks out of his cell. But he still has to fight Drago, the fiercest elephant under the sorceror's command. He is evil. He is nothing but pure hatred and an urge to fight. So basically, he's the same character as the Black Elephant from the first one.

Fun fact: we only now reached teh halfway point. Yes, it took this long for the movie
to be half-over!

Who emerges victorious? Well, Rok manages to send Drago flying into a giant podium, but just as he gets to his kids, a giant statue falls on top of them. Bombs start going off. The king announces that he's going to throw Hemlock in the dungeon and finish the job myself. Fortunately, Rok and his kids survived the statue falling on them - I guess there are benefits to having thick skin. Unfortunately, the king uses his son to make his wife reveal that she's with the rebels. "You both betray your king! I needed to see it with my own eyes," he snaps. "You'll pay for this, dearly! Soon, I'll be king of everything! And you two won't have ANYTHING! HA!"

"You're the one who has nothing! Without love, there's nothing worth having and nothing worth fighting for at all," Queen Diane replies. The king dubs her ungrateful - he gave her China, he gave her Egypt, he practically gave her the whole entire world, but she insists that he doesn't know how to give. You need to CARE to give. Quick question, Queen Diane - why did you marry this guy?

Rok, Jai, and the twins save Melody, Pugsly, and Rally from the bad guys, and one of the rebels manages to set the entire place aflame as they escape. In case you're wondering about the other elephant calves, they've spent the entire climax in one of the floating lanterns. We get another fart joke, which leads to the lantern going up in flames too. Eventually, they all wind up on a bridge, and it's soldier-fighting time... or rather, soldier-blowing-up time.

Meanwhile, Tian is still rotting in a jail cell.

The rebels have succeeded in defeating the bad guys, which means they can be families in public again. Happy ending time, right? Nope, the general says that Rok has to face charges for deserting the army. The queen and prince went into hiding, so until they return, the general's in charge, and he's not happy. Apparently he was on board with the whole "no families" thing?

So they all go to see the general, who tells his men to keep Rok locked up and they'll decide his fate in the morning. But then in the morning, guess who shows up again?

"Does anyone have any Clear Eyes? I hear for dry red eyes, it's awesome."

And who did Hemlock bring with him? An army of ZOMBIES! Yes, we have ZOMBIES now. I feel sorry for any kids who bought this film on DVD expecting a cute movie about candy-colored elephants in a kingdom and being scared out of their wits by the evil king putting those elephants in peril and the ZOMBIES.

Zombies are great at archery, did you know that?

Everyone either runs for their lives or fights the zombies, and when Rok saves the general he realizes that maybe what Rok did wasn't so dishonorable after all. They head up to the mountain where the sorceror is standing to beat him up, but he's got an elephant with him too - Drago, now ALSO a zombie! We get more fighting and eventually they wind up underwater. Rok and the general escape to the surface while Drago is crushed by rocks and presumably drowns. The elephant calves, meanwhile, have to deal with the sorceror's pet snake.

"Let's see, which order to eat them in?"

Oh, false alarm on Drago drowning - he just emerges from the rocks and arrives back on the surface. I guess zombie elephants can hold their breath for a really long time. "Drago! Stop playing coochie-coochie in the doochie and finish him!" Hemlock snaps... what exactly did he think Drago was DOING down there? The good guys are still fighting the zombies, and eventually they figure out that they can melt the zombies with fire. But Hemlock doesn't give up there - next, he summons GHOSTS and has them posess the zombies. It looks like this guy is unstoppable... until the general throws his sword at his staff, destroying it. The zombies all go bye-bye, the snake shrinks down to the size of an earthworm, and the ghosts all beat the crap out of the sorcerer and he... explodes or something, I don't know.

All's well that ends well, right? Nope. Drago did a number on Rok, and he actually dies. It's not one of those "oh, everyone thinks they died but then they wake up" things, we actually see Rok arriving in the afterlife. But he decides to go back - he's got a wife and kids, after all. I can't believe they actually killed the main character, even briefly.

"You did the right thing," the general tells Rok. "I thought honor was everything. The truth is, love and honor, they're the same thing. Thank you for teaching us that... you honorable elephant."

And Tian is still in that jail cell. Just saying.

The movie ends with Jai, who was knocked into the water during the climax, emerging. "Typical," he moans. Then we get another song by the Not-Jonas Brothers over the credits. What happened to the king? I don't know, they never tell us.

What's the Verdict?

Well, that was... something, I'll give it that.

As a sequel, it's basically ruined by the lack of ties to the first one. But you can't just take it as its own thing because it still requires you to have seen the first one to understand who these characters are, and why Rok works as a war elephant. But, then, why change the names? Why do they live in Darklandia instead of Siam now? Who is this new evil king?

Even ignoring that, most of the film is pretty blah. You have lots of unfunny jokes, most of them cringe-worthy attempts at toilet humor with the occasional pop culture reference sprinkled in. The new characters are incredibly uninteresting - Rok's kids are basically given nothing to do, the other young elephants are just there to make bad jokes, even the over-the-top villains aren't fun to watch. Martin Short's absence is certainly felt, this new version of Jai is far more annoying. The animation? It's about on par with the original - the animals look fine, though some of the young elephants' character designs are off-putting, the humans just look ugly. And dear lord, is it DARK. The zombies during the climax at least made things more interesting, but having so much of the film be the bad guys talking about how much families suck and the king emotionally abusing his kid just felt WRONG. And that's not even getting into how Rok briefly dies. It takes guts to kill the lead, but there's a reason why more animated movies don't do it.

Good things about it? Cary Elwes, Patrick Warburton and Alexa PenaVega are doing their best, but that's about all the good stuff I can say about Elephant Kingdom. Even if you like the first one, I wouldn't recommend watching it.

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