Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Ned's Newt"

Have you ever noticed that a lot of cartoon shows are really, really weird?

Think about it. A talking yak whose best friend is a kid with a pineapple for a head? A woman gives birth to a chicken and a cow and nobody questions it? There are some pretty surreal cartoon shows out there.

For example, there's the subject of today's edition of Let's Watch This - a little show from the folks at Nelvana called Ned's Newt.

The show's theme song gives some backstory for the show: one day, this kid named Ned wanted a pet. So he went to the pet store and got a newt. Then he discovered that the newt didn't actually DO anything. Well, yeah. It's a newt. What did you expect it to do, solve world hunger?

Anyhow, he went to the pet store and complained to the owner, who promptly gave him a can of "Zippo For Newt", which I guess is some sort of newt food or whatever. Upon eating it, the newt became a newt version of the Genie from Aladdin. And he's voiced by Harland Williams.

Let's watch an episode of the show and see if it's any good. First up, "Mars Dilemma".

The episode begins with Ned's mother (Carolyn Scott) finding out that they have a LOT of tomato soup. All well and good, except that she needs tomato PASTE if she wants to make homemade pizza. So she tells Ned (Tracy Moore) to go to the store and get some tomato paste.

I'm just now realizing that he looks like a cross between Charlie Brown and Numbuh One from Codename: Kids Next Door...

Before Ned goes to the store, he has to feed his newt, whose name is Newton by the way. As a result, Newton goes from a teeny tiny newt to a big blue newt with a large gut and promptly launches into an unfunny comedy routine. Eventually, Ned manages to tell him that he's going to the store so that he can get some tomato paste, which Newton for whatever reason finds hilarious. He claims that if he wants to get tomato paste, he should go to MARS.

"Newton, could you cool it with the random impressions?"
"Nope. When it comes to jokes, that's all I've got."

Newton does an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger for whatever reason, then explains, "Why do you think they call it the RED planet, Neddo? The moon is made of cheese. Mars is made of tomato paste." Shapeshifting into, uh, I think Leonardo Da Vinci, he add's that Neptune is where you get "that blue stuff you put in your toilet". Ned says that he can't go to Mars - his mom won't even let him go to the movies alone. Newton replies that he's NOT going to the movies alone. "You're going to Mars! With me! And in THIS!" he says, showing off Ned's mom and dad's station wagon.

"Yes, we're going to Mars in a station wagon!
How, I don't know. But hey, it's a show with a big blue talking newt in it,
I'd say that ANYTHING'S possible!"

Something I couldn't help but notice is that Newton is not funny. You'd think that since Harland Williams is doing his voice there'd be some good laughs, but so far he hasn't done anything particularly amusing.

Anyway, somehow Newton is able to convert the station wagon into a spaceship while doing more painfully unfunny impressions. The one problem is that the car is locked - and the keys are in the car, which makes one wonder how exactly they were able to lock the car in the first place. We get a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey (because... it exists, right?), and eventually they squeeze in through the back door.

There's probably some sort of theory posted online that Newton is in fact just a
normal newt and Ned is just insane.

We get a reference to Alien (because, hey, it's an episode about going to space and that's a thing that exists that also takes place in space, right?) and head out of the garage. As they're cruising down the street, Newton becomes... what is he even supposed to be right now?

I think he's trying to do a Jamaican accent here, for what it's worth...

Newton makes references to Back to the Future and Star Trek as he explains to Ned that he installed a new "pulportion" system fueled by... bread. When Ned asks how bread is going to help them raise into the air, Newton says, "What? You've never heard of RAISIN bread?"

Okay, I will admit that was kind of funny.

They blast off, fly through a hole in the ozone (which does make for a kind of funny visual gag), and we get a reference to The Mask. Fitting, since in the cartoon show based on The Mask, the Mask's shtick was ALSO doing random impressions and shapeshifting every five seconds. Once in space, they stop at a gas station so Newton can use the bathroom and then head over to Mars, which as it turns out IS made of tomato paste. Because this is a cartoon, it's also populated by aliens. "If it's the red planet," Ned says, "How come the martians are green?" Newton replies, "Because they aren't ripe yet!"

Okay, that was kind of funny too. Ned doesn't think so, however.

They enter a store and buy some tomato paste, only to discover that it tastes awful. Newton suggests that they go to "the corner store" instead. Wah wah wah wah waaaaah...

Back on Earth, Ned's dad (Peter Keleghan) finds him in his car with Newton, who's shapeshifted back into a regular newt. Ned's dad doesn't notice that the car is now a spaceship and flies off in it. Hopefully, Ned doesn't tell his folks about how he flew to Mars in the station wagon with his blue shapeshifting newt, because otherwise he might be on his way to a mental asylum...

I would also like to point out that during that cartoon, nothing really happened. Ned tries to get to the store, he gets derailed by Newton, Newton does an unfunny comedy routine, they go to Mars but don't like the tomato paste there... in fact, do they even get any tomato paste in the end? It doesn't feel like anything was really accomplished.

The second cartoon in this episode is called "Saturday Night Fervor".

At Ned's school, a girl he likes named Linda (Tracy Ryan) is elected the "Spring Queen" of their "Spring Festival Dance". And Ned is one of the nominees for the "Spring King" - the other being a much more popular kid named Rusty (Jonathan Wilson).

Ned returns home and is greeted by Newton - what else? - trying way too hard to be funny.

Ned's just as annoyed by Newton as I am.

One unfunny comedy routine later, Ned tells Newton that he wants to be the Spring King to Linda's Spring Queen but he has no chance of beating Rusty. Newton then becomes Ned's campaign manager, and none of the other kids question the giant blue newt dressed as a bandleader banging a drum.

"Vote for Ned!"
"Okay. Who are we to argue with a giant blue newt?"

The votes are counted, and it's a tie between Rusty and Ned. Rusty suggests that, since it's a dance, they make the best DANCER the Spring King. The teacher (also Carolyn Scott) loves the idea - they'll have a contest at the dance! The one problem, of course, is that Ned can't dance as well as Rusty can. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen next... will his giant talking newt help him become a great dancer in a way that involves him making a million unfunny jokes?

The answer to that is YES. Yes, that is exactly what's going to happen. Case in point...

Make up your own joke here, I've got nothing.

Long story short, Newton teaches Ned how to dance, and we cut to the Spring Festival Dance, where Newton is disguised as a potted plant.

"Feed me, Ned!"
(Hey, if the newt can make pop culture references, I see no reason why I can't.
In fact, I'm amazed that they DON'T make a Little Shop of Horrors reference here).

The dance contest begins, and Ned does pretty well until his pants fall down (no, really. That's what happens). Rusty mocks him and then Newton does an impression of Don King for some reason. And no, people STILL don't question the giant talking newt.

Look at how bored Rusty is right now... "I'm being shouted at by a giant blue newt
doing an impression of Don King. Eh, not that unusual."

Newton's idea is to put on an enormous stupid-looking outfit, then have Ned stand on his shoulders - that way, Newton will do the dancing and it'll look like NED is doing it. No one will ever know!

Of course, nobody questions why Ned is suddenly much larger as he re-enters the room. Ned and Rusty have their dance-off, but then - D'OH, the "Zippo For Newt" is wearing off, and this results in Newton changing back into his smaller, non-anthropomorphic self!

"WHAT ARE THE ODDS, I SAY?!"

Regardless, Ned wins - but he's too exhausted to dance with Linda now. The end.

This is a very strange show. And not only is it a strange show, it's also a very weak show. Some of the jokes ARE kind of funny, but when a joke fails, it really fails. It's pretty much just a few minutes of Harland Williams trying to be funny but being bogged down by the lousy script. The characters aren't really interesting, Newton can get annoying, and it seems to believe that being weird automatically equals being FUNNY. And, no. No it doesn't. Sorry. That being said, like with Squirrel Boy I've seen far worse cartoons.

And remember, if you buy a pet newt and the pet store owner gives you a can of "Zippo For Newt"... well, then I hope you like unfunny impressions.