Let's Watch This: "Sahara" (2017)

We're lucky to have Netflix. Yes, it might have been indirectly responsible for stores like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video (remember that?) going belly-up. And it's spawned a bunch of wannabe streaming services that are in the process of destroying physical media and television channels. But Netflix has been a wonderful place for animation. I'm not sure when Netflix-exclusive shows and movies became a thing, but you can find a lot of great animated things on there. Netflix gave us Klaus - no way any studio would've distributed that film for a theatrical release, mainly because it's hand-drawn. Remember that Animal Crackers movie? That took FOREVER to be released in the United States until Netflix picked it up. And the film that we'll be looking at today is ANOTHER Netflix-exclusive. And this one came all the way from France.

Sahara was released in January 2017, produced by Mandarin Films and StudioCanal. What drew me to the film is that it stars snakes - one of those animals that get a bad rap in animation. There aren't a lot of animated movies where snakes are the good guys. If only the movie itself were better. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's watch Sahara.

I like how the "S" in the film's title looks like a snake. Y'know, just
in case you were thinking that the film was going to star kangaroos
or something.

The film begins with some guys and their camel in the middle of a sandstorm. Little do they know that a snake and a scorpion are there, too, stealing their fruit. Why a snake is stealing fruit, I don't know, considering that snakes don't eat fruit. Then again, snakes don't talk either so I suppose I shouldn't bother bringing realism into this movie.

So after they swipe a watermelon, they come across another, more evil-looking snake. I think I know who the film's villain is going to be!

Why are so many cartoon villains purple?

Okay, so the name of the blue snake is Ajar (voiced by Robert Naylor). The name of the scorpion is Pitt. He's voiced by Daniel Brochu, who's also the voice of Buster from Arthur. And the villain snake is named Saladin (Matthew Mackay). Saladin beats Ajar up, and then... we get a crappy rap song as Ajar and Pitt arrive at some sort of snake colony? Despite the fact that snakes don't live in groups. They're solitary creatures. I looked it up. And why is there seemingly one scorpion in a colony otherwise composed of snakes?

Unfortunately, Saladin made it back to the colony with the watermelon he stole from Ajar before he and Pitt could. He and his little gang of jerk snakes bombard them with watermelon seeds. What kind of a name is that, anyway? "Saladin". It's like somebody mashed "Salad" and "Aladdin" together. It'd be a great name for a side dish at a Disney-themed restaurant, though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the design of this scorpion... it looks like
they slapped Buzz Lightyear's face on it, which is really distracting.

Ajar and Pitt go to... Pride Rock?

Is this another one of those "clearly inspired by The Lion King" movies?

And Ajar announces that he's fed up with Saladin and his bullying ways. He's leaving the colony, which shocks Pitt. "Should I remind you what happened to those who tried? Hmm? Or maybe bring you their SKULLS? Hmm?!" the scorpion asks. "Green Snakes... US! Okay? We don't belong over there!" But Ajar is insistent. Then he spots something slithering out of the foliage below.

Not sure how I feel about the design of this snake either...

It's a green snake - a GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL green snake, so you just know she's gonna be the love interest. But then she gets snatched up by a secretary bird (Terrence Scammel). Unbeknownst to Ajar and Pitt, the bird's not going to EAT the girl snake... he's under the employment of her father, the chief of the Green Snakes, and his job is to guard their home of the Oasis and prevent anyone from sneaking out. Exposition, exposition, get it out A-S-A-P...

Okay, I do like the design of the secretary bird. I'll say that.

Chief Snake (Richard Dumont) chews out his daughter for trying to sneak out of the Oasis AGAIN despite the fact that he's told her millions of times that it's dangerous out there. After all, there are DUSTIES outside the Oasis. What's a Dusty? Well, apparently that's what the animals in the desert are called by the Green Snakes. The Green Snakes look down on the Dusties, seeing them as beggars, thieves, liars, that sort of thing. "I'm pretty sure they even eat their own poop and marry their children!" Chief Snake exclaims. "Or, maybe it's the other way around..."

Wait... was that an INCEST JOKE? In a KIDS' MOVIE? Boy, THAT'S something I didn't expect to hear...

And, huzzah. It's an animated film with a metaphor for racism. Those are always fun. I think The Sneetches already summed up why racism is stupid much better than something like, say, The Lion King 2 did. If you want to make an animated movie that teaches kids why racism is bad, why not just make a movie adaptation of THAT?

Anyhow, what you need to know is that the girl snake's name is Eva (Angela Galuppo) and she's your typical animated movie princess. They hate their life and want more. Basically Jasmine as a snake.

Chief Snake announces that they're having the Spencers over for dinner, and that they have a big south-facing stone... which is apparently very important. "I can't even imagine what they pay for it..." he says. Uh, PAY for it? Why would snakes have to pay for things? What do snakes even use for currency? Actual money? Where does a snake get money?

Then Chief Snake adds that they have a charming son named John-John, hintidy-hint-hint-hint... which makes Eva even angrier. "What do you think, that you can just sell me like it's the Middle Ages?!" she complains. Then a surfer dude snake with hair (it's a wig, preventing me from asking why there's a snake with hair), Eva's brother, shows up and starts mocking Eva, earning him a slap.

Oh, goody, the annoying comic relief character.

Meanwhile, Ajar is swimming in what looks like Shrek's bath water, which turns him green - now he can head into the Oasis and nobody will ever be able to guess that he's not really a Green Snake! Pitt continues to tell him that this isn't a good idea. I think Pitt might be the only character in this film that I like thus far. He seems to be the sane one of the bunch. Plus, he sounds very much like Buster so I can always close my eyes and imagine Buster saying his lines.

Once inside the Oasis, Ajar and Pitt are amazed by how lush and green everything is... but then the secretary birds start shouting about Dusties being about, which makes Pitt panic. But it turns out they're not after them - they're after another Dusty who's actually just Eva, covered in mud and trying to sneak out of the Oasis.

Mud and swamp muck = instant disguises, I suppose.

After some unfunny shenanigans involving an ethnic stereotype, a secretary bird corners Ajar and Eva on the edge of a cliff... which they promptly jump off. Ker-splat.

Okay, of course that's not how it ends. They land in a pool of water below. And for whatever reason it doesn't wash the mud and swamp muck off. Ajar can't swim, so Eva has to carry him down the river, the secretary bird in hot pursuit. Oh, and NOW the mud and swamp muck washes off. So Eva is all "You're a Dusty?! Are you going to hurt me?!" and then Ajar is all "No, I just wanted to live in the Oasis!" and then Eva is all "Why?! The Oasis stinks!" Then Pitt catches up with them.

They've eluded the secretary birds, though. So now Eva's free to explore the great wide somewhere, right? Wrong-o, Chongo. Suddenly, Eva is nabbed by this guy...

For whatever reason, this character is making me uncomfortable.

The shady-looking guy (Brady Moffatt) stuffs Eva in a basket and heads off with his camels. Ajar dashes off behind them, but one of the secretary birds shows up again and nabs him.

Also, one of the camels is... blue? I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be surprised seeing as there aren't a lot of purple cobras in real life, but a blue camel? Huh?

I guess the Camel from the Raggedy Ann and Andy movie needs to pay the bills, too.

The secretary birds start interrogating Discount Arbok and his little scorpion friend. "We can't let you go. We let ONE go and then everyone else thinks they've got a shot!" the lead secretary bird barks. But then the surfer dude brother snake shows up and we get a joke about pollen being a substitute for drugs. Wow, first incest jokes, and now DRUG JOKES? This movie's got it all!

The surfer dude brother snake... his name is Gary (Mark Hauser), by the way... his showing up distracts the secretary birds, allowing Ajar to get free and threaten to off Gary if they don't let him and Pitt go. He continues threatening to hurt Gary as he and Pitt climb on one of the secretary birds' backs and fly off. So, now we've got a hostage situation. This movie really DOES have it all! The other two secretary birds give chase, but they manage to get away.

Eva comes to in the middle of a snake dance class. Yeah, a snake dance class. Just go with it. The one male snake in the class, George (Andrew Shaver), goes all Pepe Le Pew on her. I guess he's what we call a "snake charmer". Bah-dum-kssssh.

Careful, George. This is how Pepe wound up a victim of Cancel Culture.

Ajar, Gary, and Pitt wind up making a crash landing in the middle of the desert after a panicking Pitt stings their secretary bird mount. We get a Batman reference, Gary acts annoying, and Pitt speaks my thoughts: "Does he ever SHUT UP?!"

As for Eva, she watches as the other snakes in the basket do some sort of performance with the creepy guy who captured her. Eventually, the creepy guy's flute-playing hypnotizes her and she winds up joining in. The result? A good ol' Disney Acid Sequence!

After that little bit of surrealism, we cut back to Ajar, Gary, and Pitt. They encounter a group of singing glowworms, whose king (Rick Jones) greets them with, "May the Light be with you!" Because... hey, Star Wars exists, right?

All jokes aside, I really like the animation in this scene. Nice lighting.

The glowworms put on a light show about the Milky Way, the stars, and the constellations. The Pole Star - also known as the North Star - which our "heroes" must follow, is the brightest star in the Ursa Minor. Alas, the cute little glowworms aren't as friendly as they appear. They invite Ajar, Gary, and Pitt to stay for dinner... and, predictably, by that they mean "stay and BE dinner". Things quickly take a turn for the creepy.

Okay, I know this is an obvious joke, but... talk about a sticky situation.

Fortunately, the three manage to escape. Now that they're past the rock maze and the scary carnivorous glowworms, all they have to do is follow the camel tracks to find Eva. We get a montage of the three crossing the desert and Eva dancing with the other snakes accompanied by a generic country song.

Then we get a Planet of the Apes reference. Because... it exists, I guess?

Darn this movie. Darn it all to Heck.

(See? I can make Planet of the Apes references too. That doesn't automatically
mean it's going to be funny)

Then we get a scene where Ajar, Pitt, and Gary come across a tourist... who pees in the desert. Toilet humor. Ha ha ha. They manage to hitch a ride in his jeep, and there's a flower in the jeep, meaning that Gary gets to have a whiff of sweet, sweet pollen... which blows their cover and gets Ajar and Gary thrown out of the car.

Ajar snaps and starts screaming at Gary for screwing things up. "Since the beginning you've been nothing but a giant pain in the tail!" he rants. And yet, for whatever reason he DOESN'T just abandon Gary in the desert. He lets him come with him as they continue the search for the camels.

Back to Eva and the dancing snakes. The teacher, Miss Rita (Sonja Ball), admits that she's been stuck in that basket for twenty years, making Eva realize that, hey, she's basically a prisoner. But another snake (Nadia Verrucci) helps her escape... or at least tries to. When Eva sticks her head out of the hole in the basket, she encounters a grouchy-looking camel.

"Make a 'Hump Day' joke and I'll squash you flat."

The camels foil Eva's attempt to escape, and the creepy guy... he has a name, but eh, I'm just gonna call him "the creepy guy"... almost sticks her and the other snake in another basket where the snakes who will end up as belts or designer shoes are put. But then he says that he has a better idea...

Just a quick note to the filmmakers - it's really hard to make a camel intimidating.
Especially when they have blue fur.

Meanwhile, Ajar and Gary come across a goofy, fast-talking skink (also Rick Jones). Conveniently, he saw the ruckus that went down with the camels and Eva trying to escape, mentions that it was heading towards a place called Souksoukville or something, and... farts a few times. Fart jokes. Ha ha ha. Alas, the skink is also a massive Troll and doesn't feel like helping them.

Jeez, this movie is long... we're only fifty-five minutes in, but it feels like I've
been watching it for much longer.

Gary ticks Ajar off again and he starts beating the crap out of him. But then they spot water and palm trees. Ajar says that they'll spend the night there to regain their strength.

That night, the creepy guy sits in a ring of fire with Eva and the other snake. They have a dance battle, and Eva wins. Meanwhile, Pitt manages to climb out of the jeep's exhaust pipe. He meets a family of scorpions who consist of the cliched bumbling dad, the cliched mom who knows best, the cliched bratty teenage daughter, and the cliched younger son who's into gross things.

As for Ajar and Gary, they're laying out under the stars. We get some backstory for Pitt... and then we immediately cut back to Pitt and the other scorpions. They offer him to come along with them, but he declines. In the morning, Gary discovers a well. "These things bring water to villages! Cities! Like Souksoukville for instance!" he points out. "We get in, take a ride, and there we are!" Ajar is reluctant because he can't swim, but with a sandstorm approaching he quickly changes his mind.

I love scenes in animated movies that feel like rides at amusement parks.
When's Disney gonna build that roller coaster based on the scene in
Monsters Inc. where they're in the door vault that we've all been clamoring for?

They wind up resurfacing in a village that looks like the Morocco pavilion at EPCOT, then Gary spots a poster featuring the creepy guy. Fortunately, the creepy guy and his snakes - including Eva - have already arrived in the village, so that's convenient. Eva, who's in a terrarium, laments that this isn't what she imagined her life would be like and sadly hugs George... unaware that Ajar has snuck in and spots her. Oh, goody, a misunderstanding. Ajar is sad and almost leaves, but Gary does something useful for once and gives him a pep talk.

Ajar manages to free Eva and the other snakes with the help of a ceiling fan, which makes the creepy guy mad. Gary tries to bite him, but alas, he's immune to snake venom. "Your venom runs through my VEINS!" he snaps. And so long as he has his flute, he can control the snakes. Fortunately, Ajar manages to grab the flute and escapes outside with it, the creepy guy in hot pursuit... only for them both to get caught in the sandstorm.

Is he crawling around on all fours?

Eventually, they climb to the top of a building, where the flute winds up breaking and the creepy guy announces that Ajar is "going to pay". Long story short, part of Ajar's skin winds up tearing off (which sounds graphic, but he's a snake so it's basically just him shedding) and the creepy guy winds up falling, we can imagine, to his doom.

Of course, we have to do the "everyone thinks the main character's gone but they're actually still alive" scene, and Ajar discovers that his new skin is covered in pretty designs. Gary calls them "high-matienence" (I'm not sure I get the joke there). But... really? The creepy guy is still alive? How the heck did he survive falling off the top of a building?

But don't worry, Pitt winds up knocking the creepy guy out.

No, seriously, how did the creepy guy survive a fall like that? Shouldn't he
at least have sustained a few injuries?

And guess who else is there? The daughter scorpion! Apparently, she's Pitt's love interest now. They all head home on the top of the jeep, and that skink shows up again. And then the movie just... stops. No scene of them arriving back at the Oasis, no scene of them convincing the chief snake to allow Dusties in the Oasis, not even the cliched Dance Party Ending that you would expect this movie to have. It just ends.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

It's mediocre at best. It's bad at worst. It's not nearly as bad as, I don't know, Zoo Wars, but it's still not something I would recommend watching. The characters are not interesting. They range from dull as dirt (Ajar, Eva) to annoying (Gary). The only one I kind of liked was Pitt. The animation is meh, but the character designs are refreshingly cartoony and they do some really interesting things with the way the snakes move. I also appreciated the use of what looked like 2D animation during the Disney Acid Sequence. The jokes? Not one landed. You've got pop culture references that fall flat, attempts at "risque" humor that fall flat, toilet humor that fall flat... all in all, it's a very blah movie. There are much better animated movies on Netflix worth your time.

To end this review on a lighter note, here's a joke: why are snakes always measured in inches? Because they don't have feet. Thank you, I'll be here all week!