Let's Watch This: An Episode of "A Pup Named Scooby-Doo"

Well, time to talk about America's favorite Great Dane again. Yes, we're taking a look at another Scooby-Doo show. This one is much better than Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated (yeah, I said it). But first, I'd like to talk about just how this show came to be.

When the original version of Muppet Babies premiered in the 1980s, it started off a trend. A trend that is commonly referred to as "Spin-Off Babies". "Spin-Off Babies" is when you take cartoon characters and put 'em in a new show where they're children. Which is how we wound up with this...

And this...

And who can forget about THIS?

This trend has slowed down in more recent years, but it's still around. Did you know that Jake and the Neverland Pirates was originally going to be a cartoon about a younger Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies? No, really! In addition, We Bare Bears spawned a spinoff about the bears as cubs called We Baby Bears that apparently should be premiering sometime this year. And recently, a prequel series to the Madagascar films called Madagascar: A Little Wild premiered.

Will the trend ever go away? Beats me. It's probably only a matter of time before we get THIS:

But anyway, let's talk about the show that I'm actually going to be reviewing today. A Pup Named Scooby-Doo premiered in 1988. Generally regarded as being one of the better "Spin-Off Babies" shows, here Scooby is a puppy and Shaggy, Fred, Daphne, and Velma are children. I'm not sure how old, specifically, they're supposed to be (I think they attend Junior High, for what it's worth... but then, there's an episode of What's New, Scooby-Doo? where we get a flashback to when Velma was five, and the characters all have their designs from this show... does that mean Velma is five in this show? And if it is, why is she going to Junior High?).

Since I've heard so many good things about this show, I decided "What the heck? I'll give it a watch!" Today's episode is called "Lights... Camera... Monster". Because if you're doing an episode of a cartoon about the characters making a movie, it has to be called "Lights... Camera... [SOMETHING]". It's just common knowledge.

The episode starts off with a shot of the Coolsville Mall. Ah yes, I forgot to mention, in this show the characters live in a place called "Coolsville". Shaggy (Casey Kasem) gives some exposition: Fred (Carl Stevens) got a camera for his birthday and he wants to make a movie, and the others are helping him.

Did malls look like this back in the 1980s? Because I've never been
to a mall that looked like that.

Scooby (Don Messick) is going to be the star of the movie. "All right, get into your monster costume, Scooby, baby!" Fred tells him. Do you have to call him "Scooby, baby"? I find that very cringe-worthy. In fact, Fred spends much of this first scene acting like a stereotypical Hollywood director. I'm pretty sure that no Hollywood director has ever talked like this, however. I also find it kind of strange that the younger version of Shaggy has the exact same voice as the standard-aged version. Scooby's voice at least sounds higher, Shaggy's is identical. Did they tell Casey not to try and sound younger or something?

Anyhow, they film their movie, which is apparently about this big "mall monster", played by Scooby, who Shaggy and Daphne (Kellie Martin) have to stop. Daphne at one point says that "mall monsters" are a load of baloney, but Fred insists that they exist - he read so in the National Enquirer! One important thing you should know about this show is that it was one of the first attempts at giving Fred and Daphne actual personalities, since in the original show they were about as interesting as sandpaper. Fred is a moron who believes in the sort of obvious bullcrap you find in supermarket tabloids, and Daphne is vain, obsessed with fashion, and is also rich. These personalities would also be given to Fred and Daphne, albeit downplayed, in What's New, Scooby-Doo?.

What kind of hat is Daphne wearing? Even Shaggy looks weirded-out
by it.

Fred gets Daphne to be a bit more enthusiastic about being in this movie by pointing out that this is her chance to become a big-time Hollywood star. Indeed, in just a few decades they'll be making movies about you! Live action ones, starring Freddie Prince Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar! And they'll be awful, just FYI.

Fred shouts, "SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?" because you have to say that at least once in every Scooby-Doo production. This is the cue for what Fred thinks is Scooby in his "mall monster" costume to show up. Let me guess, that's not Scooby but in fact an actual mall monster, right?

Ee-yup. A few seconds after the mall monster shows up, Scooby emerges from a shop wearing... um, this.

"Rhould one of you rhelp me rhind my way to the auditions for Rheggietales?"

The monster announces that his name is "Stinkweed" (make up your own joke here, I've got nothing) and scares the pants off the gang, but fortunately Velma (Christina Lange) finds the button that summons the elevator and they're able to make their escape. Fred announces that he must get the monster on video as a security guard who looks like Magilla Gorilla tries to arrest Stinkweed (Michael Bell), only to be foiled by Stinkweed's, well, stink.

Seriously, look at him. He looks almost exactly like a human version
of Magilla Gorilla!

Stinkweed goes into a pet store called "Pets-4-Us", where he encounters a skunk who falls head over furry heels for him as he's swiping the cash register. Ten bucks says the skunk appearing and swooning over the monster is gonna be a running gag. Scooby and the gang chase him into a plant store. Inside, Scooby is swallowed whole by a sentient man-eating plant.

How exactly is this thing allowed to be sold in a plant store? Wouldn't
it be a bad idea to sell a sentient plant that eats humans to human customers?

Since the monster got away, Fred suggests, "Let's regroup, and THEN split-up!" As they're leaving, a woman watches them from over at the cashier desk. Now, for the sake of not giving away who the culprit is, I'm not gonna say that I think she's the culprit, but... I think there's a very good chance that she is.

Fred suggests that instead of a monster movie, they could make a movie about how they solve cases. Everyone else thinks this is a good idea. Then the show is interrupted by a special news bulletin (this is one of the show's best Running Gags). "FREDDY HAD A GOOD IDEA! IT'S A MIRACLE!" the anchorman shouts. Yeah, it's a good idea NOW, but just wait until they get Freddie Prince Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar involved...

Yes, I hate the live action Scooby-Doo movies and I am going to keep making fun of those.

After that, Scooby notices a poster for a movie starring Stinkweed - Stinkweed 10: The Smell Continues. The poster also says that you'll get to meet the film's star, Vincent Thorne. "Hey! He's the actor who plays Stinkweed!" says Fred. Apparently, Vincent Thorne is some sort of method-actor? Of course, I don't think method-actors would go so far as to steal from the cash register of a pet store...

Quick question: why is Velma barely saying anything? And how come most of her... what, four lines have been one word long? I know this younger version of Velma is supposed to be sort of shy, and I'm probably just complaining because Velma is my favorite Scooby-Doo character, but so far she hasn't really gotten much to do.

The next day, the gang heads back to the mall and interrogate Vincent Thorne. "How could you be so despicable?!" Daffy... uh, I mean Daphne demands. Fred praises Daphne for her performance - right before asking her to do it again because he didn't take off the lens cap. Vincent is all "I've been framed! Just because I play Stinkweed everyone thinks I'm the criminal running around doing all that evil stuff! I need you to clear my name!" He promises to pay them twenty-five dollars a day if they help him. Side note, I feel like this Vincent Thorne guy (pictured below) is supposed to be a caricature of some actor, but I can't put my finger on who... Tim Curry, maybe?

Why is Scooby just staring at the screen? Is he watching me?!

Scooby is so excited by the prospect of having twenty-five dollars a day that he faints, even though he's a dog and I don't know what dogs do with money. Then that woman from the plant store comes in and tells Vincent that she found the film "interesting". Suspicious, isn't it?

Then some French dude who just saw the movie comes in and tells Vincent that he thought it stunk (no pun intended). Vincent introduces him to the kids: it's a fellow actor named Greedy Lawrence (who names their kid "Greedy"? Seriously, who DOES that?). He apparently follows Vincent wherever the guy goes in the hopes of trying to make him look bad and take over his roles. Methinks somebody needs to get a life.

Daphne suggests that they follow Greedy Lawrence. They follow him onto the set of a commercial that he's doing for a restaurant, directed by who is most possibly THE MOST OVERWEIGHT CHARACTER IN ALL OF ANIMATION.

Garfield, Homer Simpson, and Peter Griffin should all carry around a picture for this guy. That way, whenever somebody gets after them for being fat, they can just show them a picture of this guy and say, "Hey, at least I don't look like THIS!"

The ungodly-fat director kicks Greedy off the project because he needs someone "who doesn't talk so funny" (way to insult the entire country of France, pal). Someone like, for example, Vincent Thorne. This makes Greedy MAD!

Scooby finds a motor home that I guess belongs to Greedy. "Okay, gang! Let's split-up!" Fred announces. "Freddy, split-up WHERE? It's a motor home," Daphne replies. For those who haven't gotten it by now, Fred is in this show a massive idiot. Scooby finds a clue - the cash register from the mall pet store. "Jinkies! Scooby found a clue! And I've actually gotten another line in this episode!" Velma exclaims.

Then the kids notice that woman from before walking onto the set of the commercial. Again, very superstitious. Before they can start wondering why she's there, Velma gets a call on the phone that she has in her briefcase.

"And they said carrying this phone around with us in my briefcase was
a dumb idea!"

The call turns out to be from Vincent, who found a big clue at the movie theater. Said clue turns out to be the monster, who chases the kids into a shoe store. "I got Thorne! Now it's YOUR TURN!" he snarls. Fortunately, the kids distract him by acting as though he's an employee and requesting that he get them some shoes. Yep, this is definitely something that Bugs Bunny would do.

One thing leads to another and they wind up knocking Stinkweed into a planter. And from out of that planter emerges that woman who totally isn't the culprit. Fred starts interrogating her, and she shouts that she's with the FBI and she's going to prove that Vincent Thorne is guilty. Quick question, did another animation studio take over after the monster grabbed Vincent? Because I couldn't help but notice that the characters' eyes are larger and the animation's gotten more, for lack of a better word, cartoony.

Anyhow, Daphne says that they've got enough evidence to prove that the monster is really Greedy Lawrence. "We do?" Scooby asks. Shaggy points out that they found the cash register from the pet store in his dressing room. "We did?" Scooby asks. Then Daphne says that he wants to get even with Mr. Thorne. "He does?" Scooby asks (seriously, Scooby, where have you been for the past few minutes?). Then Fred makes a comment about mall zombies because he's an idiot. The entire time that this is going on, meanwhile, Velma is writing things down on a notepad.

The woman says that the kids may be on to something and dashes off to tell her supervisors at the FBI. Yeah, I'm still pretty sure she's the culprit. Fred says that THEY should get back to the mystery, too - but first, Scooby wants a Scooby Snack. Glad to see his priorities are in-check. Fred and Daphne don't have any, but what luck! There's a Scooby Snack stand in the Food Court! Zhe odds, vhat are zhey?

After the Scooby Snack eating, Scooby smells something. Said something turns out to be Stinkweed, and he's got Greedy's shoes.

"This will make a great submission to America's Funniest Home Videos!"

Scooby sneezes, which blows the gang's cover. "Now you will see the wrath of Stinkweed!" Stinkweed shouts. Shaggy, while doing a bunch of wild-takes, replies, "Like, I've already seen that movie! Isn't that the one where Stinkweed meets the giant zucchinis?!" Stinkweed snaps, "NO! IT'S THE ONE WHERE I GET RID OF YOU PESKY KIDS!" I believe the phrase is "MEDDLING KIDS", Stinkweed.

Scooby gets out a boombox - because it's time for the episode's chase sequence and you can't have a chase sequence without a catchy song to play in the background! Stinkweed chases our heroes through the mall. Gags include them running up an escalator, reading a "YOU ARE HERE" sign, and having to pause the chase sequence so Daphne can do some shopping. Glad to see YOUR priorities are in-check too, Daphne.

There's also a brief scene where we see the kids dancing. Good dancers, they are not (though to be fair, they're KIDS).

This is called the "I Have No Idea What to Do With My Arms".

This is called the "I Can't Dance to Save My Life".

This is called the "I Think I'm Attempting to Be a Chicken Judging
From the Way I Have My Arms Positioned".

And this is called the "That One Kid From A Charlie Brown Christmas
Who Apparently Couldn't Think of a Dance".

Eventually, they're able to give Stinkweed the slip, and Velma is able to get this mystery figured out. And she's got a plan!

Stinkweed, while looking for the kids, finds himself on a movie set, where Fred announces that it's time for his "big scene" - they're filming his next movie, Return to Stinkweed Island.

There's a quick gag here where Velma gets out a watering can and waters
Stinkweed, resulting in him sprouting flowers. I don't know why I find that
so funny, I just DO.

The scene involves "Sergeant Scooby" saving Shaggy and Daphne from Stinkweed by beating him in a game of checkers. Afterwards, Fred tells Stinkweed that he did a good job, but he doesn't think it's what they want. So they do the scene again - but this time, they're in a forest and Scooby is "Scoob of the Jungle", and it's his job to make a cage fall down on top of Stinkweed. The cage falls... right next to Stinkweed. I don't know if this is the fault of Scooby or Fred, but either way, YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Fortunately, Scooby winds up knocking Stinkweed into a pond of quicksand. Instead of sinking into it, he just gets stuck. That's not how quicksand works (you SINK into it, you don't get stuck), but hey, why bring realism into a cartoon with a talking dog in it?

"Well, we've finally caught Stinkweed," Daphne tells the camera. "But do YOU know who he is?" Well, Daphne, if I had to guess, I'd say that it's that woman from before. You know, the one claiming to be an FBI agent? Or maybe it's Greedy. One of those two.

Fred's got footage of all the suspects on tape. Suspect Number One is Greedy Lawrence. Suspect Number Two is that woman claiming to be an FBI agent, whose name is apparently Jane Thirsdee or something. Suspect Number Three, according to Fred, is the local bully Red Herring. Oh yes, and Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo make a cameo.

Yogi also makes a cameo in another episode of the show, "The Story
Stick". Just thought I'd bring that up.

Then the woman and Greedy show up and say that neither of THEM are the monster. Huh. I was wrong about one of them being the culprit. I would probably make a pretty lousy detective. Velma pulls off Stinkweed's mask to reveal that the culprit is in fact... cue the drum roll... Vincent Thorne.

She began to suspect that it was him when she saw Stinkweed with Greedy's shoes. Why did Vincent do it? Well, he didn't want to make any more movies about Stinkweed. He HATES Stinkweed. He wanted to make Stinkweed look bad so that the studio would stop making Stinkweed movies - and get some free money at the same time. And he would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids and that pup, Scoob of the Jungle.

With the case solved, Fred can finally get started on making his NEXT movie. He offers Greedy the chance to star in it, but he's got to go to an important audition - an audition for a commercial for Scooby Snacks. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

You know what? It was pretty good. Not GREAT, but I agree that it's one of the better "Spin-Off Babies" shows. The jokes are for the most part pretty funny, and the mystery actually managed to surprise me. My one complaint is that for the first chunk of the episode, Velma didn't have much to do. But that's admittedly a small thing.

Since writing this review, I've watched many more episodes of the show, and I'll tell you that this isn't "just watch one episode" show. It requires multiple viewings of multiple different episodes to really see why the show is so good. If you're a fan of Scooby-Doo, I would highly recommend giving it a watch. Don't just brush it off as being "not for you" simply because it's one of those "Spin-Off Babies" shows.

Before I end this post, I'd like to point out that this is my forty-eighth review on this blog. We're quickly approaching my fiftieth review, that's pretty big. And I posted my first review in December 2018 - if my math is correct, that's two years and five months! I still have to decide what my fiftieth review will be, but for now, I'll give you a teaser of the next one, my forty-ninth review...

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Krypto the Superdog"

First things first - for the longest time, I thought the dog's name was KYPTO.

Anyhow, Krypto the Superdog premiered on Cartoon Network in 2005, developed by Alan Burnett and Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series and Superman: The Animated Series fame. After tackling Superman, I guess they decided that they wanted to work on something with his dog. However, unlike their previous shows, Krypto was made to resemble Hanna-Barbera's shows - veteran Hanna-Barbera character designer Iwao Takamoto even served as a creative consultant.

What's the plot? Well, apparently, Superman is too busy saving the world to take care of his dog, so he arranges to have Krypto stay with a nine-year-old boy named Kevin Whitney. Krypto poses as an ordinary dog for Kevin's family, but when there's trouble, he becomes a superdog. Actually, Kevin is the only one in his family who knows of his dog being a superhero. Why they choose to keep it a secret, I don't know. Krypto is assisted in his adventures by a cat named Streaky. Allies include Batman's dog Ace the Bat-Hound, and foes include Lex Luthor's pet lizard and the Joker's hyenas.

I'm admittedly not much of a DC Comics fan, but the idea of doing a film about superheroes' pets intrigues me. I guess that just stems from the fact that I love animals. And I've heard mainly good things about the show, so I figured, what the heck? I'll give it a watch. We'll be watching the third episode - this is one of those "two segments per episode" cartoons, so we've got "Meet the Dog Stars" and "The Streaky Story".

God, hearing the theme song immediately takes me back. It works its way into your head and never leaves.

Okay, so "Meet the Dog-Stars" begins with Krypto (voiced by Sam Vincent) lamenting the fact that his "super-smell" can pick up the scent of bacon... and then he discovers that it's in a completely different town. Then he hears a kitten meowing for help and rushes to he rescue.

Actually, the kitten is meowing for help because it's run into a group of dogs who, because I knew vaguely about the characters before watching this show, I know are in fact good guys. From left to right, we have Mammoth Mutt (Kelly Sheridan), Bull Dog (Michael Dobson), Tail Terrier (Peter Kelamis), and Hot Dog (Trevor Devall)… yes, a dachshund named Hot Dog. How original.

I assume the weird fur colors are the result of their having superpowers.

Since this is an early episode, Krypto doesn't know these dogs yet, so he assumes that they mean the kitten harm. As they're arguing, the kitten gets away. Bull Dog pursues it, but Krypto is all "You'll have to go through ME!"

So then Bull Dog demonstrates what HIS superpower is - he can grow horns. You know, like a bull's. Which is why he's called "Bull Dog". It's a pun.

Not a very GOOD pun, or even an ORIGINAL pun, but a pun nonetheless.

After Bull Dog sends him flying into a bunch of boxes, the other dogs show Krypto what THEIR superpowers are... Tail Terrier has the ability to turn his tail into a lasso, Hot Dog can breathe rings of fire, and Mammoth Mutt can grow to an enormous size. The kitten gets away, and then we get a Star Trek reference as the dogs are all beamed up onto a spaceship.

If there's a Mark Wahlberg-voiced Blue Falcon around here, I'm turning
this off.

On the ship there's a purple dog named Brainy Barker (Ellen Kennedy), who introduces herself and the other dogs as the "Dog Star Patrol". They come from many worlds, "in this galaxy and beyond". Their job is to keep the world safe from such evil beings as the kitten that Krypto allowed to get away - yes, not a joke. That kitten is one of the most evil felines in the galaxy. His name is... Snooky Wookums. And here I thought it would be something intimidating, like "Sheldon" or "Tim".

"Don't let his bright button eyes fool you," Brainy Barker tells Krypto. "Snooky was sneaky from the start. You name it, he's done it. He began by taking squeaky toys from his own brothers, then moved up to stealing milk products from the Milky Way. We tracked him across the universe in hopes of stopping him before he got to Planet Earth." "We had him, too! 'Till YOU came along!" Hot Dog adds.

Ya done messed up, Krypto.

Fortunately, the dogs' map alerts them as to where Snooky is now. "I know where that is! He's at the City Animal Shelter!" Krypto exclaims.

Speaking of which, once arriving at the Animal Shelter, Snooky (Nicole Bourma) uses a toy mouse with a video-phone in it to call up his boss, a figure in the shadows called Mechanikat. (Mark Oliver) He says that in just a few minutes, Mechanikat will have his army. "Excellent," Mechanikat purrs. "Good work, Agent Snooky." Before Snooky can start freeing cats from the shelter, Krypto and the Dog Stars arrive. They're all "We're gonna stop you!" and Snooky is all "Uh-UH!" and then frees the cats at the shelter with an exploding hairball. How disgusting. And then he uses his collar to turn the cats into gigantic saber-toothed beasts.

Were saber-toothed cats really that big? I dunno, I'm not a paleontology expert...

The dogs rather quickly take down the saber-toothed cats, but Snooky isn't fazed - there are more cats in the Animal Shelter he can turn prehistoric. Enough for a whole ARMY, in fact! Fortunately, Krypto uses his laser vision to destroy Snooky's collar, which turns the cats back to normal. "Hey, this wasn't OUR idea, okay?!" one of them protests.

Alas, Snooky winds up getting away, but at least he has to tell Mechanikat that his mission was a failure.

"I've been a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad kitty..."

Back on the dogs' ship (which looks like a giant fire hydrant, fittingly enough), the Dog Stars tell Krypto that Snooky is well out of his solar system and invite him to become a member. He accepts. And now, on to "The Streaky Story"!

Just a bit of backstory here - in the comics, Streaky is Supergirl's cat. In this show, he's just a normal cat until he gets superpowers. Dunno why they made the change.

So, "The Streaky Story" begins with Krypto flying around the city. But then he sees a cat - Streaky - being chased by a group of growling dogs. He saves the cat, which makes the dogs mad because, after all, cartoon cats and dogs go together like oil and water.

You can see the Hanna-Barbera influence here in the character designs. Streaky wouldn't look out of place amongst Top Cat and his crew.

Well, if you gave him clothes, I guess...

Krypto recognizes the cat as Streaky (Brian Drummond), the pet of Kevin's next-door neighbor. Streaky says that if Krypto hadn't shown up, he could've handled the dogs. Then his owner, a girl named Andrea (Tabitha St. Germain), takes him inside to give him a bath. Cats and water, another thing that go together like mold and bread.

Later that day, Streaky runs afoul of those mean dogs again. They give chase, but fortunately Krypto just so happens to be nearby, and Streaky winds up getting away anyhow. He falls through a window into a place with what looks like a giant laser in it... that can't mean anything good.

Word of advice - if you see a giant laser and you're in a cartoon, run
like heck.

Streaky accidentally turns on the laser, which as it turns out has the ability to duplicate things. Krypto flies in to save him, only for the laser to zap him and then zap Streaky. Okay, so this is how Streaky gets his superpowers, right? The laser duplicates Krypto's superpowers and then transfers the duplicated superpowers to Streaky?

Why didn't it make another Krypto instead? Actually, Krypto explains that to Streaky and the audience - when he was hit by the laser, the duplicating beam couldn't go through his "supercoat", so it bounced off and hit Streaky.

The next morning, Krypto discovers that Streaky now has superpowers - he can fly, lift heavy objects, stuff like that. Krypto gives him the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" speech, but Streaky insists that he'll use his powers for good. Then we cut back to the mean dogs.

How does a dog grow a mustache? Then again, I've never seen a dog shave...

Streaky shows up and beats the crap out of the dogs, making a bunch of unfunny one-liners in the process. But when the building that they're in starts to crumble above them, Streaky realizes that using superpowers to get revenge on others is WRONG. He tries to stop the building, but it's futile. He needs Krypto's help.

The good news is, Krypto isn't too far away. He flies in to help Streaky by saving the dogs, and the next day Streaky admits that getting back at the dogs left him unsatisfied. "I told you, having superpowers is a super responsibility," Krypto says. "You've gotta use them to help others." But before Streaky can do that, Andrea shows up to give him another bath. Wah wah wah wah wah...

What's the Verdict?

Krypto the Superdog should satisfy fans of DC Comics. It's got fighting bad guys, likeable heroes, good voice acting, and an art style that uniquely harkens back to the days of shows like Scooby-Doo and Top Cat (you don't see many superhero cartoons doing that). I think even those that aren't familiar with DC Comics like me would like it, provided they're fans of talking animals.

It's a shame that this is one of DC's lesser-known cartoons. It did manage to get two seasons, but you don't see a whole lot of people talking about Krypto nowadays. Fortunately, Warner Animation Group is currently working on a movie starring Krypto and his fellow super-pets fittingly titled DC Super Pets, planned for a 2022 release. Perhaps if the film does well, it'll give Krypto a burst of popularity and we might just see him return to television. But, we'll have to wait and see.

Here's our one piece of concept art for DC Super Pets.

Let's (Try To) Watch This: "Zoo Wars" (2018)

Hoo boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, is this review gonna be negative.

I am telling you this in advance because I'm sure that there are folks out there that prefer positive reviews to negative ones. But this is not a positive review in the slightest. So if you don't want to see me complain for the entire duration of this post, now's the time to leave my blog.

Are you still here? Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you. Today we're going to be reviewing something called Zoo Wars.

I stumbled upon this film while looking for animated movies on Amazon that I thought would make good reviewing material. How did this get made? Well, this is just a theory, but my guess is that somebody at WowNow Entertainment saw how much money Zootopia made and thought, "Hey, Zootopia is popular, and Star Wars is also popular, so if we combine the two together into one film, maybe people will like it!"

Is the film any good? Spoiler alert: NO. Seriously, just look at the picture above. The ugly character designs, the cliched "It's a jungle out there!" tagline, just how ungodly ABSURD the thing looks... I had extremely low expectations going in, and boy howdy those expectations were met.

Oh yeah, and there's apparently a sequel called Zoo Wars 2: Into the Zooniverse (I am not kidding). Don't expect me to do a review of THAT.

But anyhow, this exists, so SOMEBODY'S gotta make a review of it. We might as well dive in. That is, unless you don't want to read this review because you think the film looks and sounds so bad that you can't even bring yourself to look at screencaps. If that's the case, you can leave my blog now. Or go read another one of my reviews, either or.

Are you still here? Well, again, don't say I didn't warn you. This is Zoo Wars.

So, because it's a Star Wars knockoff, the film begins with a parody of the iconic opening crawl. The narrator tells us that two opposing forces have emerged in the "Zooverse" - the "Nice Side" and the "Mice Side", each seeking to wield the most powerful force in the "Zooverse". Which is known as "the power of the sauce". Bongo Bananas, the last of the Nice Side Warriors, is missing and in his absence, the leader of the Mice Side, Boo Boo Squeal, has grown strong. Princess Sparklefeather, the leader of the Nice Side, is now on the run. And no, I have no idea what I just typed.

The Nice Side's only hope is to find the legendary "Chosen One". Oy, it's one of those "Chosen One" stories. Seeing as the elephant is the most prominent character on the DVD cover, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that he's the Chosen One.

So after that, we cut to some spaceship flying around through outer space. Inside the spaceship, a hippo who sounds like Ed Wynn and a mouse are talking about how they must find the Chosen One.

Remy was so outraged by PIXAR not making a sequel to Ratatouille
that he joined the Dark Side.

This is apparently Boo Boo Squeal, the main antagonist of the film. I guess since the film's main character is an elephant, the filmmakers thought it'd be funny to have the villain be a mouse 'cause of that whole "elephants are afraid of mice" myth. The hippo asks Boo Boo why he's searching for the Chosen One, so Boo Boo gives some exposition: the Chosen One is the only one who stands between him and world domination. The hippo claims that the Chosen One is a myth, but Boo Boo insists that he's out there and demands that the hippo get him some guacamole so that he can "replenish [his] sauce power". Then a giraffe appears on an overhead TV and tells Boo Boo that his frog mercenary has captured Princess Sparklefeather. Blah blah blah, Boo Boo is evil, blah blah blah, he wants to rule the universe, blah blah blah…

Meanwhile, on the planet Zootrini, a "very special" elephant is hard at work typing crap into a computer. He talks to his co-worker, a slug named Morty, about how much their job sucks. "I'm Nuke Tiptoes! An ELEPHANT, for tusk's sake! A proud beast! Majestic, highly intelligent, deeply emotional... I belong in the open spaces of the galaxy!" he complains. "I long for a life of adventure, Morty! A life of excitement!" So, yeah, he's your basic animated movie protagonist that hates their life and wants more. He wants adventure in the great, wide somewhere.

I know this is admittedly a small thing, but it freaks me out that the elephant
has fingers...

Suddenly, Nuke hears a strange voice inside his head. The voice says that Nuke must do what he says and that he can get Nuke off this planet. Also, it sounds like a surfer dude trying to do a stereotypical "dumb guy" voice. "You have a destiny, my elephant friend!" it claims. Thus begins a painfully unfunny and unbelievably long sequence in which Nuke argues with the voice, then Nuke hits the "ENTER" key, which beams him onto what appears to be a flying submarine sandwich.

I suppose I should probably bring up right now that this film has only two voice actors that aren't just credited as "Additional Voices" - all the males are voiced by somebody named KJ Schrock and all the females are voiced by somebody named Bobbi Maxwell.

Boy, this is the weirdest Subway commercial that I've ever seen...

Aboard the ship is a robot known as B-52 of the "Nice Side Robotic Fleet". Get it? It's funny because it's a reference to that band the B-52s. He also has a British accent, so I guess that he's supposed to be the C-3PO of the film.

"I've got me a spaceship, it's as big as a whale, and it's heading on down
to the Love Shack!"

He welcomes Nuke to the "Sparkle Express", Princess Sparklefeather's personal fleet vessel, and informs him that they're going on a mission. "Pink Space Elephants! A mission?!" Nuke exclaims. B-52 tells him what we already know - the Mice Side have kidnapped Princess Sparklefeather. Now they must seek an ally, a rebel squirrel named Squeezy Whistle. What is going on with these names? Boo Boo Squeaks, Princess Sparklefeather, Squeezy Whistle... these sound like names a three-year-old would come up with.

Then we cut to this guy.

GEICO: Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

Okay, so this is apparently the frog mercenary that the giraffe mentioned before. He tells Boo Boo that he's captured the princess. He and Boo Boo argue for a few seconds, then we cut back to Nuke and B-52. Nuke burps, because burping is automatically funny. Then that voice from before comes back. It introduces itself as Bongo Bananas and tells Nuke to take command of the ship and fly it into a wormhole.

The wormhole takes them into the "Sauce Dimension", where all is sauce. For those that don't get it by now, the sauce = the force. It can be used for good, but if too much garlic is added to it, it can be used for EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! After we get references to Twitter and SnapChat, they escape the wormhole and see Squeezy's ship, the Cashew, and are teleported aboard. B-52 gives some exposition as to who Squeezy is... basically, he's Han Solo.

Not exactly Harrison Ford, is he?

Discount Hammy from Over the Hedge demands to know who they are, so Nuke gives some exposition. Squeezy refuses to help because I don't know, and then we cut back to Boo Boo and the hippo who looks like they just slapped Donkey from Shrek's face on the body of one of the hippos from Animaniacs.

For whatever reason, the eyes of the characters freak me out. I can't put
my finger on WHY, though.

We get an unfunny scene where the hippo calls Evil Tutter cute, which enrages him, then an ugly CGI pig appears on the screen and tells Boo Boo that the princess has arrived.

Meanwhile, on the Cashew, Squeezy gets a call from a warthog bounty hunter demanding that he surrender his ship or else he'll blow 'em to smithereens.

Insert Pumbaa joke here, I can't think of anything funny.

We get an "epic" space battle, then we finally get to see this Princess Sparklefeather. She's an elephant too. So, I'm guessing she'll either be Nuke's love interest or his sister. Probably the latter, since she's the Leia of the film and all...

Princess Sparklefeather demands to know why Boo Boo hates the Nice Side so much, so Boo Boo tells her that he wanted to be a Nice Side warrior but they didn't accept him. He was so ticked-off that he decided to use the power of the sauce to take over the world. But first, he must get rid of the "Chosen One", and he wants the princess to tell him where the "Chosen One" is. Predictably, she refuses, but he has the ability to read her mind.

By the way, the "sauce" is apparently just saying the names of random condiments. Come on, even using the Force took more effort than that.

So when does Darth Vader show up and sue this guy for copyright infringement?

As for the Cashew, it and its inhabitants have finally gotten rid of the boar. As it turns out, Squeezy and Princess Sparklefeather were once in love... cause, you know, Squeezy = Han and Princess Sparklefeather = Leia. But it didn't work out. Mainly because she's an elephant and he's a squirrel. That's why he left the Mice Side.

As it turns out, the princess recorded a message for Squeezy, but B-52 refuses to play it for him until he apologizes for being a jerk. He reluctantly does. This is another scene that's supposed to be funny but isn't in the slightest.

The message tells Squeezy that the princess has been captured and that the Chosen One has been trained to be a master of the sauce and that she needs him to find the leader of the Nice Side Warriors - Bongo Bananas - so that they can find the Chosen One. Nuke, of course, knows Bongo Bananas, but nobody believes him or his claims that Bongo Bananas talks to him.

Okay, so a squirrel, an elephant, and a robot are in a spaceship... this is
like the setup of an unfunny joke.

Nuke and Squeezy argue for a few minutes, we get a reference to Dr. Phil because pop culture references, and eventually Squeezy brings up somebody who can help them sort this big crazy mess out. His name is Jabber the Jaw.

No, not Jabberjaw. Jabber THE Jaw. There's a "THE" in the middle so that automatically makes it a completely different name.

Okay, back to Evil Tutter and the princess. When Boo Boo hears that Squeezy Whistle is searching for the Chosen One, he's thrilled - Squeezy will lead him right to the Chosen One, and then he will destroy both of them, heh heh heh…

The Cashew is approaching Jabber the Jaw's lair, but they're suddenly blocked from it by a moose in a spaceship named Tar-Tar the Third. He's a mighty galactic warrior and he has come to destroy Squeezy and his ship.

Sven from Frozen has joined the Dark Side, too?!

Fortunately, Tar-Tar is a massive idiot and thus Squeezy is able to defeat him quite easily. Sooooooooooooo… yeah, that character was totally necessary, wasn't he?

So after that, Squeezy and Nuke arrive at Jabber the Jaw's lair, which is some sort of weird nightclub filled with dancing chickens and rhinos. Jabber, as it turns out, looks like the crocodile from Peter Pan except he's pink. I'm guessing he's supposed to be the movie's Jabba the Hutt.

"I don't get no respect!"

Nuke tells Jabber to help them find Bongo Bananas, but Jabber says that he's currently hiding in a parallel dimension. But before he did, he trained two very special animals to take his place, but they both abandoned him. Nuke talks to Bongo Bananas again, and he says that he and Squeezy Whistle must come to him. But he must remember something, which is a problem because Nuke has a lousy memory. Ironic, what with him being an elephant and all...

Remember Tar-Tar? We cut back to him next. Turns out Boo Boo sent him to destroy Squeezy, and he's not too pleased to find out that he failed. "That makes me very, very angry, Tar-Tar!" Boo Boo shouts before he uses his powers of the sauce to blast Tar-Tar into the farthest space dimension. He decides that it's time he went out and destroyed Squeezy and the Chosen One himself.

Meanwhile, Nuke finally remembers the word that he was supposed to remember - "Bischamel". It teleports him and Squeezy to... Pandora from AVATAR?

Except much more poorly-rendered?

And there, they find Bongo Bananas himself. He's, I guess, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the film. Or maybe he's supposed to be the Yoda, I don't know.

That's the ugliest CGI ape that I've ever seen.

Discount Rafiki says that he's been waiting in the shadows for the perfect moment to strike back and bring the galaxy back to a time of peace. Back to a time when the Nice Side and the Mice Side got along. But he accepted a traitor in their midst - Nuke! He tells Nuke that he's Princess Sparklefeather's brother and that he was destined for the throne, and thus he began to teach him the ways of the sauce. As the camera keeps spinning around, Bongo adds that he also wiped Nuke's memories because Nuke became too strong and powerful, and his strength made him drunk with power. He even created an army and tried to take over the whole "Zooverse". Seriously, would the camera stop spinning around? It's making me dizzy.

Fortunately, Bongo continues, he had been secretly training another warrior in the ways of the sauce - Boo Boo Squeaks. But then Boo Boo became evil too, and once he defeated Nuke discord among the animals was created. Oh, and as it turns out Nuke actually isn't the Chosen One. But the Chosen One IS within him. Inside his earlobe. His name is Felipo, and he's a flea.

Once they're back aboard the Cashew, Boo Boo lets them know via the... screen phone thing... that he's going to destroy them. He zaps them with a laser that apparently renders all of their weapons powerless. Fortunately, Felipo somehow got aboard Boo Boo's ship and is making the mouse itchy. "The power of the sauce has turned against you, Boo Boo Squeal!" Squeezy points out. Uh, technically, it's not the power of the sauce isn't defeating Evil Tutter, Felipo is. Just saying.

"Boy, this in-flight movie is terrible!"

So Felipo defeats Boo Boo with the power of tickling. "Finally, peace will reign among all animals. Big AND small," Nuke says. The Nice Side and the Mice Side agree to a truce. Princess Sparklefeather and Squeezy get married. But Boo Boo swears that the Zoo Wars are not over and that he will rise again, which I guess is supposed to be setting up for the aforementioned sequel that, again, I am not going to review. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

This is a very bad film. Even worse than Garfield Gets Real. Like, this is on par with Foodfight! or Ratatoing. There is nothing redeemable about this film. The animation is awful and looks like a video game with zero budget. The characters are either bland, annoying, or both. The voice acting is crappy. The jokes are painfully unfunny. And there's also the tiny little fact that IT'S A BLATANT KNOCKOFF OF STAR WARS. Who was this even made for? I think even kids would find it lousy. I mean no disrespect towards anyone who worked on this, I'm sure they're all very nice people, but Zoo Wars is without a doubt one of the dumbest movies that I have ever seen. Don't watch it. Trust me, do not watch it.

Don't worry, next time I'll be reviewing something good to make up for how negative this review was.