Let's Watch This - "The Moo Family Holiday Hoedown" (1992)

Christmas is gettin' a-closer, but there's still plenty of time for me to post another review of an animated Christmas special. And this one has even more cow puns than Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa.

You're probably wondering just who the Moo Family actually are. Well, they're the brain children of the folks at Calico Entertainment. How they came up with this, I don't know. Maybe somebody working there just one day drove by a farm and said, "Hey! Why don't we do a Christmas special starring a family of anthropomorphic cows?"

You probably recall that Calico Entertainment is also responsible for the infamous Bubsy cartoon pilot. And not only were both productions directed by the same guy, a Mr. Tom Burton, it also features many of the same voice actors. This might be considered a turn-off for some people, but you'll be happy to know (I'm guessing, anyway) that this special is much better than the Bubsy pilot. Does that mean that it's any good? Let's find out...

The special begins with the voice of Rob Paulsen exclaiming, "And now, Moo TV is proud to present, live from the beeeeeeee-yeauiful island of Cowaii, THE MOO FAMILY HOLIDAY HOEDOWN!" 'Cowaii'? They couldn't think of a more clever pun than that? I gotta admit, though, I wasn't expecting a special about farm animals to take place in Hawaii... uh, I mean COWaii... as opposed to, say, Kansas or something...

Why do their "hooves" have fingers? That's not how hooves work!

Okay, so I guess the Moo Family is a family of hillbilly cows who are also famous musicians. And this special will also feature "Santa Cow" (okay, that's a LITTLE better than "Cowaii", but still not particularly funny) and his ace sled jockey, Chuck Steaker. A cow with "steak" in his name? Kind of a dark joke, isn't it?

It's then revealed that the announcer is a chicken named Chick Bantam (who, as I've said before, is voiced by Rob Paulsen), our host for the evening. He introduces the Moo Family.

I'm surprised that at no point during this special does anybody say
"UDDERly" as opposed to "UTTERly".

The Moo Family does a not particularly good song (the Country Bears they aren't). Daddy Moo (Brian Cummings) is annoyed by his son T-Bone (Rob Paulsen again) playing the electric guitar, and eventually they notice that Baby Moo (B.J. Ward) has climbed to the top of the Christmas tree. I like how it's revealed after the tree falls on top of Daddy Moo that it's just a cardboard cutout - I gotta admit, I wasn't expecting that.

After the musical number, Chick dubs the Moo Family "steerific" and "cowlossal" (see what I mean about the cow puns? I hope you find 'em funny, because there are a lot of them) before getting out a crude-looking horse puppet he calls "Melvin the Mustang". "Say, Melvin, did you like that Christmas song?" he asks Melvin. "It makes me feel like singing a real MULEtide carol!" Melvin replies. Chick tells him to go ahead, but Melvin can't - he's feeling a little HORSE. Was this written by Fozzie Bear or something?

Backstage, Daddy Moo (who, by the way, sounds like a cross between Pete and Yosemite Sam) demands to know A) what T-Bone was doing out there with those amplifiers and B) why he has a "cowlick", as Momma Moo (Tress MacNeille doing her best Clarabelle Cow impression) points out. "It's the nineties, Pop! This is how all teenagers in cartoons from the nineties look!" T-Bone replies. "You're always bustin' my chops! Keep your horns on, don't have a human, man."

I kind of agree with Daddy Moo, to be honest... T-Bone DOES look pretty stupid with that "cowlick".

Isn't his hair technically a Mohawk... or, as the Moo Family might say,
a MOOhawk... as opposed to a cowlick?

After that, we cut back to Chick and Melvin's not particularly funny act (though we're probably not actually supposed to find it funny), and then Chick announces that it's time for the revelation of Santa's new turbo-sleigh. They'll be going live via "saddle-lite hookup" (wouldn't the pun "saddle-lite", while kind of clever, be more fitting in a cartoon about horses?) to the North Pole to join another member of the Moo Family, Patty Moo (B.J. Ward), for an interview with Santa Cow (Jim Cummings) and Chuck Steaker (Patrick Fraley). "It's not the technology that matters, Patty," Chuck boasts. "It's the sled jockey who makes them." Meanwhile, I'm just wondering where Santa's reindeer are. They weren't rendered obsolete when Chuck invented this new "turbo-sleigh", were they? Then again, it's entirely possible that this "Santa Cow" character isn't supposed to be the same guy as Santa Claus, but merely their cow equivalent. Who knows?

Apparently, most of the turbo-sleigh is strung together with bailing wire and spare tractor parts. And apparently Chuck is a massive idiot because he hasn't even tested it, so this will be its first time up. Santa Cow isn't too pleased to hear that. "THE FIRST TIME UP?! WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?!" he shouts.

"My sled jockey is a pompous idiot! WHY AM I JUST REALIZING THAT NOW?!"

The turbo-sleigh is revealed, and we get some early nineties CGI. Chuck decides to "see what this heifer can do", but wouldn't ya know it, it ends up going haywire. Guess you should've, I don't know, TESTED IT, eh, Chuck?

Chick announces that everyone is doing their part to find Chuck - for example, T-Bone is searching for Chuck with his "ham radio". To help clarify the complexities of this situation, Chick introduces science expert Dr. Albert Holstein (also voiced by Jim Cummings doing his best Ludwig Von Drake impression). "First," Dr. Holstein explains, "We've gotta analyze this predickle-a-ment. This is how the whole mess got started. First, the one cow jumps over the moon! Zappo! He's over the moon! That's one cow!" I think I'm going to like this Dr. Holstein. Of course, much of that probably stems from the fact that he's voiced by Jim Cummings.

So anyhow, Dr. Holstein goes into a ramble about cows trying to fly, and apparently this causes gravity to get confused (like me), which causes a "mootation" in the time/space continuum. "And you know what THAT MEANS?" Dr. Holstein demands. "Well, I'm not so sure myself. But I think it means Christmas gets one day ahead of itself! So every year, Christmas will be TOMORROW!"

Any particular reason this special couldn't have been all about him? Seriously, this entire special could've just been about this guy rambling about cows attempting to fly and I would've been satisfied.

Maybe Disney should buy the rights to this special so they can make a TV
special co-hosted by Dr. Holestein and Ludwig Von Drake. I'd watch that.

Then T-Bone gets a "Hayday" call from Chuck. Dr. Holstein dubs this impossible because according to his "cowculations", Chuck is somewhere "over the horn of Africow". Or maybe he's somewhere "near the Moosissipi River". I'm starting to wonder if the writers got a big book called "One Thousand Jokes About Cows" or something and THAT'S what inspired them to make this special.

But then T-Bone spots Chuck flying out of the sky - and he's headed straight for the barn! He ends up crashing, but don't worry, he's fine - just a bit dazed. "Bulldacious landing, dude!" T-Bone compliments him. Momma Moo asks if he's sure that he's all right, to which Chuck responds, "Me? No problemoo." The turbo-sleigh, meanwhile, is totaled. Apparently, there's a problem with the "cattle-lytic converter". But that's nothing that Dr. Holstein can't fix. They still need a power source to get the machine off the ground, but T-Bone has an idea: they can use his "mega-powered" amplifiers! Chuck loves the idea, and Daddy Moo starts acting like just a few scenes ago he wasn't chewing out T-Bone for using those amplifiers.

So we then cut to them fixing the sleigh. Daddy Moo suggests that they bring in the "automoobile" for extra power. That "automoobile" wouldn't happen to be a CATTLE-ac, would it?









Hey, if the writers can make cow puns, then so can I. Momma Moo tells him that Grandpa Moo (Patrick Fraley) is one step ahead of him. The one problem with this is that Grandpa Moo drives about as well as Mr. Toad, and he ends up smashing the car into the sleigh. Don't worry, it apparently doesn't do much damage.

Baby Moo then spots her bottle on top of one of the amplifiers (how it got up there, I don't know) and climbs up to grab it. Uh oh, I smell SHENANIGANS!

"What do you say we stampede out of here?" Chuck suggests after hopping inside the turbo-sleigh. Dr. Holstein says that the gauge will have to reach "maximum cow-power" to get up into the air, so T-Bone has to "hoof it". Daddy Moo gives him a "helping hoof", and then Momma Moo points out that Baby Moo is about to fall off the giant tower of amplifiers. Daddy Moo runs to save her, but she ends up in Momma Moo's arms, while Daddy Moo is the victim of SHENANIGANS!

But it worked! In fact, the explosion from the amplifiers somehow "mootated" the turbo-sleigh and the Moo Family's "automoobile" into a single contraption with hover power (and a great paint job). This means that EVERYONE can go to the North Pole to visit Santa Cow! I'm pretty sure that's not how amplifiers work, but eh, if the characters are happy then who am I to complain?

I honestly can't think of a funny caption here... so instead, I'll just say hi.

At the North Pole, Chick announces that Santa Cow will be able to go on his Christmas tour as planned thanks to the Moo Family. Although I would like to point out that Grandma Moo (Tress MacNeille) did jack-squat to help save Christmas - in fact, she only had one line in the whole special. Come to think of it, Patty didn't do anything to help save Christmas either. But eh...

And so we end on another song and Santa Cow wishing us a merry Christmas and a happy "moo year".

So, what do I think of The Moo Family Holiday Hoedown? Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, it's certainly no A Charlie Brown Christmas, but it's actually a lot less corny than I expected it to be. If nothing else, it had decent voice acting and I really liked Santa Cow and Dr. Holstein. I'd recommend giving it a watch, if you can stomach all of those cow puns.

Further Reading:
Platypus Comix's review of the special

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa"

Remember how back in my review of Road Rovers, I said that I would review a cartoon called Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, guess what we're reviewing today!

Soooooooooo, what IS Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, the show was created by comic book writer and artist Ryan Brown, who's best known for his work on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics. It premiered on ABC in 1992 and ran for two seasons, each one consisting of twenty-six episode. Then for a while, reruns aired on Toon Disney. What's the show about? Well, here's a picture of our main characters:

They're cows. They're anthropomorphic cows. They're dressed like cowboys. There you go. It's a show about anthropomorphic cows that are cowboys.

Okay, so there's more to the show than that. As the theme song explains, a comet - I mean, a "cow-met" - landed in the Southwestern United States, and everything on the mesa that it created was "cow-metized" by the light and evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - in other words, now they can walk around on their hind legs, they can talk, they wear clothes, they presumably can also solve complex math problems, stuff like that. And they decided to create a city called "Moo Mesa" and act like humans did in the old west. There. Now you're all caught up.

But is the show any good? I don't know, I've never watched a single episode until now. So we'll be watching an episode of the show today.

That episode is known as "Dances With Bulls". How can anybody dance with bulls? They've got two left feet!









I know, I know, but I just couldn't resist.

There's a swingin' party goin' on down at the local saloon. Four sheep who look like rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronics are playing music on the stage, Mayor Bulloney is excited because he's just been re-elected, and the buffet is all-you-can-eat (for just two bits).

This is Mayor Bulloney. Is it just me, or does he look less like a bull and more like
a purple rabbit with horns?

However, the townsfolk ain't happy - the mayor has taken a page from Prince John's book and taxed them 'til they didn't have any more money. The mayor insists that the money he took from them is going to help the poor and needy and blah-blah-blah, but that's a load of bullcrap (get it?). In the backroom, we see three shady-lookin' fellas counting the money. There's a big red bull (voiced by Joe Piscopo), a buzzard in a nice suit and a top hat, and a giant scorpion. And the red bull's name is - get ready for this - Sheriff Terrorbull. I think even Fozzie Bear would find that pun awful.

"It sure was nice of the mayor to give us all the money he taxed out of the townsfolk
just for the heck of it!"

And because it's a cartoon, the buzzard (voiced by Danny Mann) looks more like a vulture than a buzzard. This is what a buzzard looks like:

Now, here's the buzzard in this show plus some more cartoon buzzards:

Do all animators just think that buzzards and vultures are the same thing or something?

The giant scorpion is in my opinion the best of the three shady-lookin' fellas. Why? Because he's voiced by Jim Cummings. Obviously.

I also like his design. He kinda reminds me of Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets.

A female cow named Lily (Charity James) - who looks more like a human being with some cow features than an actual cow - is greeted outside the saloon by Marshall Moo Montana (Patrick Fraley) atop his non-anthropomorphic horse, which is weird considering that one of the townsfolk we've seen thus far was an anthropomorphic horse (or maybe it was a donkey or a mule, but still). Isn't that kind of weird? Why are there both anthropomorphic and non-anthropomorphic horses? Are there also non-anthropomorphic cows, too?

Marshall's not heading inside the saloon because he just heard about some cattle rustlers a-rustlin' nearby. But he does give Lily a burlap hat as a birthday present. She thinks it's hideous, but like she says, it's the thought that counts.

Inside the saloon, another female cow named Cowlamity Kate (Kay Lenz) - which is an even LOUSIER pun - tries to improve the hat by adding Lily's grandmother's brooch to it. She, too, looks less like a cow and more like a human being with a cow's face.

In fact, she kind of looks like Francine from Arthur...

But then the party is interrupted by... Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland and his brothers!

Look at the expression that the one on the left has right now. That's an
"I'm an idiot" expression right there.

Actually, these guys I guess are supposed to be Gila Monsters (despite the fact that they don't look anything like actual Gila Monsters), seeing as a pig who looks like Porky in cowboy garb calls them the "Gila Hooligans". They're the kind of bandits who'll demand that you hand over your stuff to them, but do it in a polite fashion. And the leader has a Shere Khan-esque voice that I believe is ALSO provided by Jim Cummings, but I could be wrong.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaage!" the mayor complains. The Gila Monsters steal Lily's brooch - and her hat - then apologize to the mayor for any inconvenience that they've caused. The three shady fellas from before - you know, Terrorbull, the buzzard and the giant scorpion - emerge from the backroom and try to fight the Gila Monsters, but they don't have much luck.

The Gila Monsters leave, and the townsfolk run out after them. The mayor isn't going to let those reptiles walk off with the money that HE stole from the townsfolk and therefore is legally his. "There's only one bull in Cowtown who can return my cash and bring those desperados to justice!" he says. "I need the strongest, the bravest, the most trustworthy bull alive!" That bull is Marshall Moo Montana. Terrorbull is all, "But I can catch those lizards no problem!" but the mayor's all "I want this job done RIGHT. Get me Marshall Moo Montana!"

We then cut to the three titular C.O.W.-Boys overlooking the desert. "If I know anything about gilas, it's that they're shady characters who like the heat!" Marshall Moo Montana says. Dakota, who's ALSO voiced by Jim Cummings (which automatically makes him awesome), goes "Yup."

"Quick-Draw McGraw can suck it. I'M the best anthropomorphic farm animal
cowboy in all of animation!"
(I'm just joking, of course. Quick-Draw rules)

"So what's the plan, Marshall?" Tenderfoot (Jeff Bennett) asks. "I'll search north. You and Dakota ride east," Marshall Moo Montana replies. They'll meet up at the Dry Heat Well. So they ride off, but little do they know that they're being WATCHED!

Specifically, they're being watched by the Terrorbull, the buzzard and the scorpion of unusual size. Terrorbull tells the buzzard and the scorpion to follow Dakota and Tenderfoot. "If Montana thinks he's gonna humiliate me by catching those hooligans first," he growls, "He's got another thing coming!"

We then cut to the Gila Monsters just chillin' in the middle of the desert. Both Montana and Terrorbull are watching them from behind rocks. Oh yeah, and one of the Gila Monsters sounds like Wakko Warner. I don't know if it's Jess Harnell or not, just thought I would point that out...

Montana emerges from behind the rock with his gun in the air, and he's all "You're gonna be behind bars!" Then Terrorbull is all, "NOT SO FAST, MONTANA! I'M gonna bring these guys to justice!" But the Gila Monsters are able to outwit them, tie them up, and leave them in the middle of the desert where they'll be roasted by the scorching heat. And then it's off to McDonald's with them!

Terrorbull blames Montana for the mess that they've gotten themselves in. However, Montana points out that he punctured a hole in one of the Gila Monsters' saddlebags, and as a result coins and jewels have spilled out. They'll use those coins and jewels to find the Gila Monsters. Terrorbull has other ideas, though - he tries to make a boulder fall on top of them in the hopes that it'll free them, but the boulder misses - which is for the best, in my opinion, because I think that had it fallen on them the result wouldn't have been two freed cows but rather two squashed cows. Hasn't the red bull seen any Wile E. Coyote cartoons?

Montana insists that they've gotta work together - and he's got a plan. Terrorbull's all "NO WAY!", but then he sees non-anthropomorphic buzzards circling overhead (bringing us back to the whole "there are anthropomorphic horses AND non-anthropomorphic horses? Isn't that weird?" thing from before) and he changes his mind. The plan, as it turns out, involves them dancing. Don't ask.

"This is, without a doubt, THE strangest date that I have ever been on."

I'm just now realizing that this is why the episode is called "Dances With Bulls".

Then we cut to Tenderfoot playing a guitar and singing about how the sun is too dang hot. He and Dakota are concerned because Montana still hasn't shown up. Tenderfoot asks to climb onto Dakota's shoulders so he can get a closer look, but instead Dakota lifts him up by one of his horns. As a result, Tenderfoot spots Montana and Terrorbull rehearsing for Dancing With the Steers (get it? It's like Dancing With the Stars, but it's... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny) - and there are storm clouds arriving in the area! So they hop aboard their horses and ride off to help Montana.

Meanwhile, Montana and Terrorbull are sweltering in the heat. Then we hear Jim Cummings singing about the situation. Why, I don't know, but I'm not going to complain that we get to hear Jim Cummings sing. It's a well-known fact that if something has Jim Cummings singing in it, it's automatically a hundred times better.

Anyway, Terrorbull starts hallucinating. He sees a cactus as a fountain (which results in the predictable "ha ha, he just sat on a cactus" gag) and a signpost as a giant ice pop (and promptly gets splinters in his tongue. OUCH!).

"Duh, giant ice pop!"

Then we see what the buzzard and the giant scorpion are up to. There's a twister headin' their way. However, the scorpion isn't afraid of any stupid twister - he's more concerned about what Terrorbull will do to them if they don't catch those C.O.W.-Boys. Guess he's never seen The Wizard of Ox (get it? It's like The Wizard of Oz but... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny either)...

Then we cut back to the saloon. The mayor's ticked-off that Montana hasn't returned with the money, but Lily insists that he'll be back.

Back to Montana and his dance partner. They see the twister coming their way and Montana comes up with a plan that just winds up causing them to fall into the river. Fortunately, Tenderfoot and Dakota overhear them and Dakota's able to get them out.

And now, here's a screencap of Dakota for no other reason than because we haven't had one yet:

I think he's my favorite character in the cartoon.

Then Montana and Terrorbull spot the Gila Monsters robbing a stagecoach. After the horse helps Montana get his gun, he and Terrorbull try to stop the Gila Monsters, only for the leader to point out that it's three against one. Well, actually, it's three against two, but then again, Terrorbull doesn't have a gun, so maybe they're not counting him?

Montana uses his gun to help him and Terrorbull get free. Now it really IS three against two... no, make that three against FOUR, as Tenderfoot and Dakota show up. And then the buzzard and the giant scorpion show up too, so it's three against SIX! And the leader of the Gila Monsters makes this pose that reminds me of Marvin the Martian.

"You're making me VERY angry... very, VERY angry..."

Long story short, they defeat the Gila Monsters. Dakota continues to be awesome. The townsfolk get their money back, which ticks off the mayor because he thinks that money is HIS. Terrorbull does this:

"Y U MAD, MAYOR?"

Lily gets her brooch - and her hat - back. Everyone's happy. Well, except the Gila Monsters, presumably. The end.

So, that was Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It was alright. Not great, but alright. The characters are all tolerable enough, though I'm kind of miffed that Tenderfoot and Dakota didn't get more to do. Especially Dakota. He's awesome. The voice actors all do a good job, with Jim Cummings per usual stealing the show. I don't really have any complaints, I just found the show just okay.

Before we end this review, I suppose I'd better make this obvious but pretty much mandatory (since it's about cows) joke:

It needed more cowbell.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...