Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa"

Remember how back in my review of Road Rovers, I said that I would review a cartoon called Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, guess what we're reviewing today!

Soooooooooo, what IS Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, the show was created by comic book writer and artist Ryan Brown, who's best known for his work on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics. It premiered on ABC in 1992 and ran for two seasons, each one consisting of twenty-six episode. Then for a while, reruns aired on Toon Disney. What's the show about? Well, here's a picture of our main characters:

They're cows. They're anthropomorphic cows. They're dressed like cowboys. There you go. It's a show about anthropomorphic cows that are cowboys.

Okay, so there's more to the show than that. As the theme song explains, a comet - I mean, a "cow-met" - landed in the Southwestern United States, and everything on the mesa that it created was "cow-metized" by the light and evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - in other words, now they can walk around on their hind legs, they can talk, they wear clothes, they presumably can also solve complex math problems, stuff like that. And they decided to create a city called "Moo Mesa" and act like humans did in the old west. There. Now you're all caught up.

But is the show any good? I don't know, I've never watched a single episode until now. So we'll be watching an episode of the show today.

That episode is known as "Dances With Bulls". How can anybody dance with bulls? They've got two left feet!









I know, I know, but I just couldn't resist.

There's a swingin' party goin' on down at the local saloon. Four sheep who look like rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronics are playing music on the stage, Mayor Bulloney is excited because he's just been re-elected, and the buffet is all-you-can-eat (for just two bits).

This is Mayor Bulloney. Is it just me, or does he look less like a bull and more like
a purple rabbit with horns?

However, the townsfolk ain't happy - the mayor has taken a page from Prince John's book and taxed them 'til they didn't have any more money. The mayor insists that the money he took from them is going to help the poor and needy and blah-blah-blah, but that's a load of bullcrap (get it?). In the backroom, we see three shady-lookin' fellas counting the money. There's a big red bull (voiced by Joe Piscopo), a buzzard in a nice suit and a top hat, and a giant scorpion. And the red bull's name is - get ready for this - Sheriff Terrorbull. I think even Fozzie Bear would find that pun awful.

"It sure was nice of the mayor to give us all the money he taxed out of the townsfolk
just for the heck of it!"

And because it's a cartoon, the buzzard (voiced by Danny Mann) looks more like a vulture than a buzzard. This is what a buzzard looks like:

Now, here's the buzzard in this show plus some more cartoon buzzards:

Do all animators just think that buzzards and vultures are the same thing or something?

The giant scorpion is in my opinion the best of the three shady-lookin' fellas. Why? Because he's voiced by Jim Cummings. Obviously.

I also like his design. He kinda reminds me of Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets.

A female cow named Lily (Charity James) - who looks more like a human being with some cow features than an actual cow - is greeted outside the saloon by Marshall Moo Montana (Patrick Fraley) atop his non-anthropomorphic horse, which is weird considering that one of the townsfolk we've seen thus far was an anthropomorphic horse (or maybe it was a donkey or a mule, but still). Isn't that kind of weird? Why are there both anthropomorphic and non-anthropomorphic horses? Are there also non-anthropomorphic cows, too?

Marshall's not heading inside the saloon because he just heard about some cattle rustlers a-rustlin' nearby. But he does give Lily a burlap hat as a birthday present. She thinks it's hideous, but like she says, it's the thought that counts.

Inside the saloon, another female cow named Cowlamity Kate (Kay Lenz) - which is an even LOUSIER pun - tries to improve the hat by adding Lily's grandmother's brooch to it. She, too, looks less like a cow and more like a human being with a cow's face.

In fact, she kind of looks like Francine from Arthur...

But then the party is interrupted by... Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland and his brothers!

Look at the expression that the one on the left has right now. That's an
"I'm an idiot" expression right there.

Actually, these guys I guess are supposed to be Gila Monsters (despite the fact that they don't look anything like actual Gila Monsters), seeing as a pig who looks like Porky in cowboy garb calls them the "Gila Hooligans". They're the kind of bandits who'll demand that you hand over your stuff to them, but do it in a polite fashion. And the leader has a Shere Khan-esque voice that I believe is ALSO provided by Jim Cummings, but I could be wrong.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaage!" the mayor complains. The Gila Monsters steal Lily's brooch - and her hat - then apologize to the mayor for any inconvenience that they've caused. The three shady fellas from before - you know, Terrorbull, the buzzard and the giant scorpion - emerge from the backroom and try to fight the Gila Monsters, but they don't have much luck.

The Gila Monsters leave, and the townsfolk run out after them. The mayor isn't going to let those reptiles walk off with the money that HE stole from the townsfolk and therefore is legally his. "There's only one bull in Cowtown who can return my cash and bring those desperados to justice!" he says. "I need the strongest, the bravest, the most trustworthy bull alive!" That bull is Marshall Moo Montana. Terrorbull is all, "But I can catch those lizards no problem!" but the mayor's all "I want this job done RIGHT. Get me Marshall Moo Montana!"

We then cut to the three titular C.O.W.-Boys overlooking the desert. "If I know anything about gilas, it's that they're shady characters who like the heat!" Marshall Moo Montana says. Dakota, who's ALSO voiced by Jim Cummings (which automatically makes him awesome), goes "Yup."

"Quick-Draw McGraw can suck it. I'M the best anthropomorphic farm animal
cowboy in all of animation!"
(I'm just joking, of course. Quick-Draw rules)

"So what's the plan, Marshall?" Tenderfoot (Jeff Bennett) asks. "I'll search north. You and Dakota ride east," Marshall Moo Montana replies. They'll meet up at the Dry Heat Well. So they ride off, but little do they know that they're being WATCHED!

Specifically, they're being watched by the Terrorbull, the buzzard and the scorpion of unusual size. Terrorbull tells the buzzard and the scorpion to follow Dakota and Tenderfoot. "If Montana thinks he's gonna humiliate me by catching those hooligans first," he growls, "He's got another thing coming!"

We then cut to the Gila Monsters just chillin' in the middle of the desert. Both Montana and Terrorbull are watching them from behind rocks. Oh yeah, and one of the Gila Monsters sounds like Wakko Warner. I don't know if it's Jess Harnell or not, just thought I would point that out...

Montana emerges from behind the rock with his gun in the air, and he's all "You're gonna be behind bars!" Then Terrorbull is all, "NOT SO FAST, MONTANA! I'M gonna bring these guys to justice!" But the Gila Monsters are able to outwit them, tie them up, and leave them in the middle of the desert where they'll be roasted by the scorching heat. And then it's off to McDonald's with them!

Terrorbull blames Montana for the mess that they've gotten themselves in. However, Montana points out that he punctured a hole in one of the Gila Monsters' saddlebags, and as a result coins and jewels have spilled out. They'll use those coins and jewels to find the Gila Monsters. Terrorbull has other ideas, though - he tries to make a boulder fall on top of them in the hopes that it'll free them, but the boulder misses - which is for the best, in my opinion, because I think that had it fallen on them the result wouldn't have been two freed cows but rather two squashed cows. Hasn't the red bull seen any Wile E. Coyote cartoons?

Montana insists that they've gotta work together - and he's got a plan. Terrorbull's all "NO WAY!", but then he sees non-anthropomorphic buzzards circling overhead (bringing us back to the whole "there are anthropomorphic horses AND non-anthropomorphic horses? Isn't that weird?" thing from before) and he changes his mind. The plan, as it turns out, involves them dancing. Don't ask.

"This is, without a doubt, THE strangest date that I have ever been on."

I'm just now realizing that this is why the episode is called "Dances With Bulls".

Then we cut to Tenderfoot playing a guitar and singing about how the sun is too dang hot. He and Dakota are concerned because Montana still hasn't shown up. Tenderfoot asks to climb onto Dakota's shoulders so he can get a closer look, but instead Dakota lifts him up by one of his horns. As a result, Tenderfoot spots Montana and Terrorbull rehearsing for Dancing With the Steers (get it? It's like Dancing With the Stars, but it's... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny) - and there are storm clouds arriving in the area! So they hop aboard their horses and ride off to help Montana.

Meanwhile, Montana and Terrorbull are sweltering in the heat. Then we hear Jim Cummings singing about the situation. Why, I don't know, but I'm not going to complain that we get to hear Jim Cummings sing. It's a well-known fact that if something has Jim Cummings singing in it, it's automatically a hundred times better.

Anyway, Terrorbull starts hallucinating. He sees a cactus as a fountain (which results in the predictable "ha ha, he just sat on a cactus" gag) and a signpost as a giant ice pop (and promptly gets splinters in his tongue. OUCH!).

"Duh, giant ice pop!"

Then we see what the buzzard and the giant scorpion are up to. There's a twister headin' their way. However, the scorpion isn't afraid of any stupid twister - he's more concerned about what Terrorbull will do to them if they don't catch those C.O.W.-Boys. Guess he's never seen The Wizard of Ox (get it? It's like The Wizard of Oz but... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny either)...

Then we cut back to the saloon. The mayor's ticked-off that Montana hasn't returned with the money, but Lily insists that he'll be back.

Back to Montana and his dance partner. They see the twister coming their way and Montana comes up with a plan that just winds up causing them to fall into the river. Fortunately, Tenderfoot and Dakota overhear them and Dakota's able to get them out.

And now, here's a screencap of Dakota for no other reason than because we haven't had one yet:

I think he's my favorite character in the cartoon.

Then Montana and Terrorbull spot the Gila Monsters robbing a stagecoach. After the horse helps Montana get his gun, he and Terrorbull try to stop the Gila Monsters, only for the leader to point out that it's three against one. Well, actually, it's three against two, but then again, Terrorbull doesn't have a gun, so maybe they're not counting him?

Montana uses his gun to help him and Terrorbull get free. Now it really IS three against two... no, make that three against FOUR, as Tenderfoot and Dakota show up. And then the buzzard and the giant scorpion show up too, so it's three against SIX! And the leader of the Gila Monsters makes this pose that reminds me of Marvin the Martian.

"You're making me VERY angry... very, VERY angry..."

Long story short, they defeat the Gila Monsters. Dakota continues to be awesome. The townsfolk get their money back, which ticks off the mayor because he thinks that money is HIS. Terrorbull does this:

"Y U MAD, MAYOR?"

Lily gets her brooch - and her hat - back. Everyone's happy. Well, except the Gila Monsters, presumably. The end.

So, that was Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It was alright. Not great, but alright. The characters are all tolerable enough, though I'm kind of miffed that Tenderfoot and Dakota didn't get more to do. Especially Dakota. He's awesome. The voice actors all do a good job, with Jim Cummings per usual stealing the show. I don't really have any complaints, I just found the show just okay.

Before we end this review, I suppose I'd better make this obvious but pretty much mandatory (since it's about cows) joke:

It needed more cowbell.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...