Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Butt-Ugly Martians"

You know, sometimes all you have to do is hear a show's name and it gives you a good idea as to whether or not you'd like the show. This is one of those times. "Butt-Ugly Martians"? Who would want to watch a show about "butt-ugly martians"?

Apparently, not that many people, because the show only got one season consisting of only twenty-six episodes. It premiered on the British TV network CITV in Febuary 2001, then popped up on Teletoon in Canada and Nickelodeon in the United States. It was created by Michael Train and developed by Mike Young, Pamela Hickey, Dennys McCoy, and Bill Schultz. It managed to get some video games and a toy line before getting the axe, presumably for being a crappy show.

The premise? Well, some ugly martians named B-Bop A-Luna (voiced by Charlie Schlatter), 2T Fru-T (Rob Paulsen), and Do-Wah Diddy (Jess Harnell) are reluctantly sent to Earth by their ruler, Emperor Bog (S. Scott Bullock), so they can conquer it. But when they get there, they discover that it's a great place and decide to stay there, sending fake progress reports to their boss so he doesn't know that they haven't actually conquered it.

Okay, so the name of the show isn't the only reason why I had low expectations going in. There was also the ugly CGI, the fact that a lot of people online seem to dislike it, things like that. But, it's still an obscure animated cartoon, so of course I was gonna wind up reviewing it for my blog. Per usual, I just picked an episode of the show at random and wound up watching "You Bet Your Planet". Is the show as bad as it looks? Well, let's find out...

The episode begins at the Mos Eisley Cantina. You will never find a more poorly-rendered hive of crude CGI models.

Maybe this looked way more impressive back in 2001, but then again,
Monsters Inc. was released back in 2001 too, and the animation in THAT
still looks pretty good for the most part, so...

The three butt-ugly martians are giving a speech about how they're the champions of the galaxy's most dangerous game, called "Togut" or something like that, but they've decided to stop playing it. This reporter guy named Rinko is all "Noooooooo, you can't quit! I make a lot of money off you guys!", and then some guards come in looking for him. I'm guessing he owes them money or something.

Somebody get this guy some wrinkle cream.

Before running off, Rinko gives the martians some sort of portable gambling device. B-Bop says that they should get rid of it because they're against the law in this sector. Rinko comes back to grab it... just in time for the guards to spot him and arrest them all.

Then we get the show's theme song. It's painful to listen to. The martians can't sing to save their lives (and I know for a fact that Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell are good singers, so don't ask me what happened here). And yet despite that the song will STILL wind up in your head and never leave. If you listen to it, you'll have "We are the martians, the butt-ugly martians..." echoing around in your brain for the rest of the day.

Just ignore the evil martian in the background there, he doesn't appear in this
episode.

They also keep shouting "B! K-M!" for some reason. What does that stand for? Shouldn't it be "B-U-M"? Y'know, as in "Butt-Ugly Martians"? Maybe the martians noticed that it also spells "bum" and didn't want anyone to think they were lazy slackers or something...

Okay, back to the episode.

"We're just going to judge this strictly by how it looks and assume that you're
criminals without giving you the chance to explain yourselves!"

The Zoidberg-esque guards are all "You are under arrest!" and we get a quote-unquote "epic" battle between them and the martians. Eventually they escape with Rinko in tow, and he promises that he'll never forget this... and sure enough, he didn't! It turns out that this was all just a flashback to something that happened a millennium ago. He's paid the martians a visit so he can trap them in a giant glowing bubble and then make them an offer they can't refuse... because if they do, he'll turn them to dust.

"That stupid Good Witch of the North said this was the only way to travel.
Not ONCE did she mention how cramped it was in one of these things!"

You see, Rinko is in debt and apparently he doesn't have the money to pay what he owes, so the only way he can get out of it is by having the martians play a game of "Togut". Or he could just get a job and get the money he needs by EARNING it, but this guy's clearly kind of crooked so I'm guessing he never even considered that.

The martians agree... but it turns out they only said that so Rinko would let them out of that cramped bubble. Once he does, B-Bop casually says, "We lied." Fortunately, Rinko has another way of getting them to play "Togut" again - he informs them that if they don't win, Earth will be destroyed. The martians agree.

Later that day, the martians get a visit from their Earthling friends. Say hello to Mike (Rob Paulsen), Angela (Kath Souice), and Cedric (Ogie Banks). Mike's the redhead, Angela's the girl, and Cedric's the kid with the glasses.

They look like the mannequins from the Old Navy commericals.

The martians explain to them what's going on, and then we get a training montage. Eventually, they're ready to start... but all of a sudden, some sort of poorly-rendered space rock thing crash-lands on Earth! Then we cut to this guy... uh, hello? What happened to the "Togut" game? The Earth's gonna be destroyed if the martians don't win, aren't the stakes already pretty high? We don't need another plot thread shoehorned in.

"Good lord! I'm getting a reading of over forty megafonzies!"

This is Stoat Muldoon (Robert Stack). He's an alien hunter who keeps encountering the martians on Earth, but every time he does, the martians erase his memory. He's not a bad guy, just overly zealous.

After spending a few seconds with Stoat, we cut back to the martians... so, I guess we're just gonna ignore the space rock thing, then. The martians' opponent for the "Togut" game - a gigantic martian in a robotic suit named Humanga (S. Scott Bullock) - shows up. He and the martians do some trash-talking, with 2T telling him to "Stick the attitude in your piehole!" (whatever THAT means).

"Yes, I know I sound like Yakko Warner. You don't have to keep pointing that out."

So how exactly is this "Togut" game played? Well, according to Rinko, Humanga will try to slam an asteroid into Earth. And the martians will have to stop him. That's it? That's not really a "game", is it? Seems more like the martians stopping some evil dude from destroying a planet. This is what's considered a thrilling sport for martians? Keeping each other from smashing planets with asteroids?

Also, is it just me, or does Humanga kind of look like a Machamp?

Okay, a Machamp is a fighting-type Pokemon, and according to the internet fighting-type
Pokemon are weak against flying-type, poison-type, bug-type, ghost-type, and fairy-type
Pokemon... so, all the martians need is to find a Covisquire, an Arbok, an Alakazam, a Kricketune,
a Dusknoir, or a Clefairy.

Rinko teleports the martians and Humanga onto the asteroid so they can begin the game. Back on Earth, Stoat's device thing alerts him of the asteroid heading for Earth, so he rushes off to destroy it. Which is terrific except that if he destroys the asteroid, he'll also destroy the martians that are playing a rousing game of "Keep the Earth From Being Smashed Like a Graham Cracker" on it.

While Mike, Angela, and Cedric are distracting Stoat, the martians manage to take out Humanga. They win, the Earth is saved, episode over, right? Alas, no - Humanga returns and re-directs the asteroid back towards Earth. So the martians go through some sort of Power Rangers-esque transformation sequence and gain some cool armor.

And they didn't do this at the beginning of the game becaaaaaaaaaaaaause?

And then Humanga beats the crap out of them. Wow. Fail.

Fortunately, back on Earth Angela fires some sort of satellite that sends a flaming Cheeto rocketing towards the asteroid. It lands, cracking the asteroid in half. Humanga falls into the chasm. 2T calls up Mike on his wrist communicator thing to tell him to get Stoat to fire the laser at precise coordinates to take out the asteroid. The martians start collecting disintegrator cells. Humanga manages to climb out of the chasm, but the martians tie him up before getting the heck out of their. Cedric enters the coordinates, Stoat fires the laser, and KA-BOOM goes the asteroid.

"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state..."

"The Earth is saved once again!" Stoat exclaims. But there's no response from the martians, so the kids think they got caught in the explosion. Spoiler alert: they're actually alive. They give Cedric the portable betting thing so Rinko won't drag them into another game of "Togut". The end.

He kind of looks like Megamind.

What's the Verdict?

I think the only reason why I don't consider this show worse is because I had extremely small expectations going in (again, it's a show called "Butt-Ugly Martians"). That doesn't mean that the show is even remotely good. Problem 1 - for a show with three-dimensional graphics, the characters are flat. The martians have no distinguishable personalities. We get some implications that 2T's the "smart one" of the bunch, but aside from that, zilch. They're just three wisecracking Sonic the Hedgehog/Ninja Turtle wannabes. The kids, meanwhile, are your typical dull as dirt kid sidekick characters. Remember the kids from Wild Kratts? They're basically those guys. Problem 2 - the animation is bad. Really, really bad. The movements, the lip sync, the textures... it's practically on par with The Nuttiest Nutcracker. Even for early 2000s standards, it looks horrendous. Problem 3 - the writing is lousy. The plot - which, need I remind you, focuses on the Earth being at risk of getting clobbered by an asteroid - is unengaging and not one of the jokes are funny. The voice actors do their best with what they're given, but that's the one good thing I can say about this show. There are far better cartoons worth your time. But, to be fair, there are far worse too.

By the way, whatever happened to that flying space rock thing?

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Hercules: The Animated Series"

In 1997, Disney released Hercules.

Of the animated films that make up the Disney Renaissance, Hercules might be the black sheep. It didn't make nearly as much money as its predecessors, was torn apart - particularly by Greeks - for how inaccurate it is towards the myths it was based on, and Disney hardly acknowledges the film nowadays. And yet, despite all of this, Disney still thought the film had the potential to make a great TV series.

And that's how we got Hercules: The Animated Series (or just Hercules, as it's usually called).

Hercules: The Animated Series premiered August 31st, 1998 and ran for two seasons, making for a total of sixty-five episodes. Unlike Disney's other TV shows based on their movies like Aladdin: The Series and The Legend of Tarzan, the show doesn't take place after the movie but rather in the middle of it - specifically, when Hercules is a teenager, training with Phil. When Herc's not training to be a hero, he's going to high school. Actually, I think this might've been one of the first Disney cartoons where the main character goes to high school (you know how many of those there are).

They managed to get a good chunk of the original voice cast back - Tate Donavan, James Woods, Matt Frewer, Bobcat Goldthwait... alas, Danny DeVito was too busy to reprise his role as Phil. Fortunately Robert Costanzo, the guy they got to fill in for him, does a spot-on Danny DeVito impression. On top of THAT, they were able to get tons of celebrities to lend their voices to this show: French Stewart, Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow, Merv Griffin, Jason Alexander, Jane Leeves, Jim Belushi, Craig Ferguson, Richard Simmons, Peri Gilpin, David Cross, Kathy Najimy, Steven Wright, Leslie Mann, Vince Vaughn, Cary Elwes, Will Ferrell, Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Hyde Pierce, Mandy Patinkin, Betty White, Jennifer Love Hewitt... this was apparently a pretty big deal back in the 1990s. Nowadays, not so much, what with most cartoon shows' casts being about ninety-percent celebrities and ten-percent professionals (don't get me started on that).

Of course, the show DID give us a plot hole - in the movie, you'll recall, Hades sent Pain and Panic to off Hercules after turning him mortal. They failed, and decided to just TELL Hades that they finished him off. Hades didn't find out he was alive until years later, AFTER Herc had completed his training with Phil. And yet in the show, Hades knows that Herc is alive and makes many attempts to get rid of him. According to TV Tropes, the showrunners knew that didn't make sense but just wanted to have fun with the settings and characters. I've also heard that one of the last episodes addressed this by having Hades, Pain, Panic, and maybe Hercules too get doused in water that made them forget the events of the series, but I could be wrong about that.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, is Hercules: The Animated Series any good? Disney's always been a bit hit-or-miss with their TV spinoffs of animated movies. Sometimes it works out...

Other times, not so much...

Let's find out which category their Hercules show falls into. We'll be watching the episode "Hercules and the Techno Greeks" (is that supposed to be a pun on "techno geeks"?).

The episode begins with the show's narrator, whose name is Bob, telling us that the Greeks' city-states were the wonder of the ancient world. There was Athens; birthplace of the modern government, Sparta; birthplace of military science (and a meme), and Arcadia; birthplace NOT of video arcades as its name would suggest but people from Arcadia (ga-doy). Then the Muses show up and basically do the same thing that they did at the beginning of the movie - show up and tell the narrator to go suck an egg. I'm guessing this was how every episode of this show began, with them just recycling this joke from the movie in the hopes that people would still find it funny (you might recall The Emperor's New School doing the exact same thing).

Anyhow, the Muses bring up a place called "Abacus Valley" that the narrator claims to have never been to.

Or maybe it's actually "ABA<VS VALLEY"?

The Muses sing a crappy techno song called "Techno Greek" about how in Abacus Valley there lived some guy named Numericles who invented the concept of math. So for those of you, like me, who hate math and weren't particularly good at it in school (and yet I still somehow managed to get good grades?), now we know who to blame for it. Problem was, these guys also existed...

Centaurs really shouldn't go shirtless.

Every Friday, a rowdy gang of Centaurs - half-human, half-horse - pillages Abacus Valley. Numericles is fed up with those rassa-frassin' Centaurs and announces that they'll pay someone to get rid of them.

Cut to... what I'm guessing is supposed to be the school that Hercules attends. They're all reciting poetry, but one student, an Amazon named Tempest (voiced by Jennifer Jason Leigh), isn't really into it. "An Amazon is prime for ACTION!" she boasts. "We strike first and ask questions later... assuming our enemy still has a TONGUE!"

Hello, character who I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess has lots of inappropriate
drawings of her likeness on DeviantArt.

Oh, and say hello to Hercules' two friends, who weren't in the movie and made up for the show. The boy is Icarus (voiced by French Stewart), the guy who, if you ever looked at Greek Mythology in your Language Arts class at some point (like I did), you should know is famous for flying too close to the sun and getting burned. He's Hercules' best friend and a massive idiot. The girl is Cassandra (voiced by Sandra Bernhard), a girl who's basically a prophet and the sanest of the bunch. Icarus has the hots for Cassandra, but for obvious reasons, she's not interested.

I guess Cassandra is supposed to be a stand-in of sorts for Meg, since she couldn't be
in the show what with it taking place before Hercules met her and all.

Actually, there WAS an episode of the show where Meg appeared, but I believe she and
Hercules both got doused with that same water that made them forget the events of the episode.

Hercules recites his poem, which is all about being a hero. The teacher tells him that he didn't put enough passion into it, so he adds some more and everybody loves it... except Tempest, who says that she hates Hercules and this class. "I don't belong in this pathetic school..." she complains as class is dismissed. "I belong in BATTLE." Then she accidentally kicks Hercules into a statue of Atlas (the guy who carried the Earth on his shoulders, for those unaware), resulting in some WHACKY SHENANIGANS.

I like Hercules' pose here. It's like he's trying to emulate Super Mario.

Then Tempest notices a flyer asking for a "Sword For Hire" (presumably put there by the people of Abacus Valley), and she's totally into that.

We then cut to Hercules, Cassandra and Icarus in Abacus Valley themselves. They're there because Cassandra's abacus got smashed during the WHACKY SHENANIGANS with the statue, and they need to get it fixed. Icarus loves the place because everyone there is an even bigger geek than him.

And also like Icarus, when the guy at the Abacus Store sees Cassandra he immediately has the hots for her and starts acting like a stereotypical dweeb who can't talk to girls. Basically a precursor to Leonard, Howard and Raj from The Big Bang Theory. Although he looks a bit more like Stuart than any of them to me...

"Bazinga!"

Meanwhile, Numericles is interviewing Tempest for the job of Centaur-Beater-Upper. Speaking of which, the Centaurs show up again. Two of them are voiced by Clancy Brown and Bill Faggerbake. Y'know, Mr. Krabs and Patrick Star. Too bad they didn't get Tom Kenny and Roger Bumpass to voice two of 'em too, that would've made the SpongeBob connection even better.

Hercules takes out the centaurs before Tempest has the chance to, which makes her MAD. Hercules is appalled when he hears that she's charging the citizens of Abacus Valley to protect them. "You can't CHARGE to defend the defenseless!" he protests. After thinking it over, Numericles decides to go with Hercules because he doesn't have to pay him, making Tempest even angrier.

"Nerd joke. Nerd joke. Nerd joke."

"My vengeance will be... painfully... agonizingly... VENGEFUL!" she tells Numericles before storming off. "No complimentary tote bag for YOU!" he calls after her. She goes to this place called "The Feedbag", which is run by this goat-esque guy who sounds like the Robot Devil from Futurama.

I can't help but wonder (no pun intended) if Tempest is intended to be a parody of Wonder Woman. I haven't read any Wonder Woman comics, she's an Amazon too, right?

You think this guy is related to Phil?

The Feedbag, as it turns out, is basically a bar for Centaurs. The Clancy Brown-voiced leader of the Centaurs, Blotox, challenges her to a brawl... and promptly gets his horse's rear end handed to him. The other Centaurs are impressed, and the Bill Faggerbake-voiced one says that according to the Centaurs' bi-laws, Tempest beating the crap out of Blotox makes HER their new leader. This gives Tempest an idea - she can use the Centaurs to get revenge on Hercules and Abacus Valley!

Cut back to Hercules, Icarus and Cassandra. Icarus is trying to fix Cassandra's abacus... and fails miserably. Hercules' "beeper" (a bluebird) tells him that Abacus Valley needs his help, so off he heads. Once he arrives, it turns out that the Centaurs aren't attacking the place - they just wanted to test his "response time". Then the Muses show up to sing another crappy Techno song about how the Abacus Valley guys keep summoning him to do miniscule stuff like getting rid of mice and squirrels.

Okay, I know where this is gonna lead... the Abacus Valley guys are gonna keep bothering Herc like this, and then when Tempest and the Centaurs finally DO attack and they summon him, Herc won't believe them. Y'know, just like in The Boy Who Cried Wolf. But, for now, Hercules encounters Blotox, who's crying about how the other Centaurs replaced him with a hot chick.

"Look on the bright side. At least they didn't trap you in a maze."
"No, that's a MINOtaur. They're the ones that look like bulls."

Hercules offers Blotox the chance to be his deputy and protect Abacus Valley. "Blotox, you CAN learn to be good!" he says. We get a training montage, like the one in the movie except Herc has to be the trainer since Phil isn't in this episode. Meanwhile, Tempest and the other Centaurs are preparing for their surprise attack - this time they'll be attacking on MONDAY, not Friday, so the Abacus Valley guys won't know they're coming.

Herc introduces Blotox as his new deputy to the Abacus Valley guys, but they're all afraid of him. "There is nothing in this world that would make me allow a FILTHY CENTAUR to protect our valley!" Numericles claims. Jeez, way to be racist, Numericles. But then Tempest and the other Centaurs charge in, and Numericles immediately does a 180.

"I'M the most attractive character on this show!"
"No, I'M the most attractive character on this show!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"

Hercules and Tempest start swordfighting, but Herc decides to cut the fight short when he sees the Centaurs pursuing Icarus and Cassandra. Then that dude from the abacus store pops out of a vase and starts hitting on Cassandra.

Uh, is he starting to turn into Glenn Quagmire?

Hercules takes out the Centaurs via dumb luck, leaving Tempest to face off with Blotox. Fortunately, Blotox manages to defeat her. Tempest storms off, and now Blotox is the leader of the Centaurs again. And now the Centaurs work as security for the people of Abacus City. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

Is Hercules: The Animated Series any good? Well, I personally thought this episode was pretty good. Would I go so far as to say it's better than the movie? No. But it's certainly one of Disney's better spin-off shows. I really like the Centaurs, and the jokes all land quite well. The animation, of course, is a massive downgrade from the film. And the episode feels empty without Phil in it, but that's admittedly a nitpick. If you like the film, I highly suggest giving the show a watch.

Just don't go into the show expecting to learn a thing or two about Greek mythology. It's about as accurate to those myths as Frozen is to the original Snow Queen story by Hans Christian Anderson. By which I mean, not at all.

So, what are we reviewing next time?

Hoo boy...