Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Quack Pack"

During the 1990s and 2000s, there was a rather obnoxious trend in animation. It was taking an old cartoon character or two and "updating them" in an attempt to make them more "hip" or "relevant" or whatever. The idea, I guess, was that kids wouldn't like them as they were because they were from "the old days" and in order to reintroduce them to a new generation, they had to have them ride a skateboard or play an electric guitar or say "Radical, dude!" or whatever. This is what gave us Bugs Bunny rapping and the embarrassingly bad Yo Yogi!. Even nowadays, you still see it every so often. And it NEVER WORKED OUT. You know that cliché where the teenager's parent attempts to be "cool" by singing a rap song or speaking in dated teen lingo which results in the kid being embarrassed in front of his friends? This was just like that.

Not even Disney was immune to this. During the 1990s, in particular, they had a really bad habit of trying to be hip and failing. For example, they released THIS...

And they also made a little show that we'll be looking at today. A show by the name of Quack Pack.

Quack Pack was Disney's attempt at making Huey, Dewey and Louie cool. Specifically, they made them teenagers wearing dumb 1990s youth clothing. They're still stirring up trouble for their uncle, beloved Disney character Donald Duck. He and Daisy work on a show called What in the World - Donald's a cameraman (or should that be cameraDUCK?), Daisy's a reporter.

The show's intro gives us a pretty good idea as to what the show's like. It starts off with Donald setting up a projector to play his old cartoons accompanied by hokey music. But then Huey, Dewey and Louie come in, knock the projector screen out of the way, and bring in a big-screen TV playing clips from the show as the music suddenly becomes a rock 'n' roll song. It screams, "Look at how LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME Donald is! He's not with the times! He's not HIP! COOL! BODACIOUS! Whatever the kids are saying nowadays! Now, Huey, Dewey, and Louie - THEY'RE cool!" This, despite the fact that Donald is far more popular than Huey, Dewey or Louie ever were. There's also the fact that there is absolutely no way one could make the word "QUACK" sound cool. Did they really think the kids watching at home would hear the theme song's lead singer claim that he feels like quacking and immediately decide to start quacking? Was that their plan here?

I remember watching, like, two episodes of Quack Pack years ago and finding it blah. But I know there are in fact people who like this show, so who knows? Maybe there's actually something of substance here. Get ready to quack, folks, because we're watching the episode "Tasty Paste".

The episode begins with Huey (voiced by Jeannie Elias), Dewey (Pamela Adlon), and Louie (Elizabeth Daily) watching a commercial for the "Glazar Quasar Destructor Center", which I assume is sort of a cross between laser tag and Chuck E. Cheese. They can't wait to go... provided their "Uncle D" (that's what they call Donald in this show) doesn't forget that he promised to take them there. Louie insists that he won't forget, but I smell a Gilligan Cut coming on!

Wouldn't you know it, Donald (Tony Anselmo) forgot that he promised to take them there and now he's got a date with Daisy (Kath Souice). But he wants to make it up to them, so he gives them some money and tells them to "have fun". But Daisy tells him that money won't fix the situation, so he takes the money back. Thanks for ruining Donald's attempt at making it up to his nephews, Daisy.

It's so jarring seeing Daisy wearing a skirt. It's like seeing Donald wearing
pants.

Huey, Dewey and Louie drown their sorrows at the local diner, but find that they don't have the money to pay for their "yak burgers". "Put it on our tab," Huey tells the waiter, an ethnic stereotype of some kind named Gwumpki (Pat Fraley). I'm honestly surprised they didn't have him say "put it on our BILL" as a reference to that old joke. I guess they thought it was too obvious or something?

One interesting thing of note is that Quack Pack actually features HUMANS alongside the ducks. In past Disney Afternoon shows like DuckTales and Goof Troop, incidental characters that weren't ducks would be anthropomorphic dogs that were basically just humans with some dog features. Same goes for the Donald Duck comic books. I believe they were called "Dogfaces". Here, we have human beings.

Had this been an episode of DuckTales, this guy would've been a Dogface.

And why am I just now noticing that "Dogface" sounds like a racial slur?

"Being broke MUNCHES!" Dewey complains, because "munches" was apparently slang for "isn't a good thing" at one point. Then Gwumpki, invites the boys to try his newest recipe - green glop. He calls it "Tasty Paste".

"I knew that we shouldn't have come to the Nickelodeon Café."

The boys understandably refuse to eat something that looks like Lloyd's vomit, but Gwumpki offers them three hundred dollars if they DO eat it, so they change their minds. So the moral of today's story is that bribery is a great way to get ahead in life.

But it turns out that the "Tasty Paste" is actually TOXIC WASTE, and upon eating it Huey, Dewey and Louie become terrifying mutants! Horrified, Donald sues Gwumpki for every last cent that he's got. And then the X-Men get involved!

Okay, obviously I'm just kidding. Disney wouldn't own the X-Men until years later. Anyhow, they try the paste and find that it actually tastes really, really good. They offer to buy the recipe from Gwumpki for only three bucks. Because Gwumpki is apparently an idiot, he agrees.

Somebody get Huey and Dewey to a barber, because their "cool 1990s teenager"
hairdos aren't doing it for me.

Though it could be worse... at least they didn't give one of them a MOHAWK...

So the Three Radical 1990s Teen Ducks set up a stand for their "Tasty Paste", and Daisy winds up being their first customer. Much like the boys, she's initially reluctant to eat what could easily be mistaken for swamp muck, but upon tasting it she becomes addicted to the stuff, giving Kath Souice the chance to ham it up in the recording booth.

"ME CRAVE MORE TASTY PASTE!"

She tells Huey, Dewey and Louie that she'll give them some airtime during What in the World to advertise their "Tasty Paste" - that is, if they'll give her all the Blended Shrek she can eat. "CRISP!" the boys exclaim. "Crisp"? Is that something that teens were saying in the 1990s? Was that ever a thing?

So then we get a commercial for "Tasty Paste". And because this was from the 1990s, it's a rap song. A really, really bad rap song. Because Disney is hip and fly with the kids, yo.

Depressingly, this isn't even the first time that Huey, Dewey, and Louie have rapped.

Soon the stand is swarming with folks who want to get their hands on the snack that looks like it was scooped out of Mike Wazowski's toilet. And it isn't long before their stand gives way for an actual restaurant. People just can't get enough of the boys' delicious Grinch Glop. And presumably Gwumpki gets none of the money they make despite the fact that he's the guy who created the stuff in the first place.

You know, I'm much more interested in seeing what Donald is doing right now
than I am seeing Huey, Dewey and Louie sell Mark Chang's puke. Whatever happened
to Donald, anyhow?

Huey, Dewey and Louie become rich.

Their Uncle Scrooge would be so proud... if it weren't for the fact that
he's not in this show.

"Tasty Paste" becomes so popular that eventually they make a theme park about it and it's reported that a two-headed alien that looks like Elvis loves it too. I'm not kidding, look at this screencap:

Okay, I want to know the story of this "2-Headed Elvis Alien". Can the rest of the episode just focus on him now?

Then we are treated to, get ready for this, A TRAILER FOR AN HONEST TO GOD MOVIE ABOUT "TASTY PASTE". It includes scenes like this:

Meh, still a better love story than Bee Movie...

After... THAT, we cut to Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Donald climbing out of a limo. Yeah, remember Donald? He's still in this show. The nephews show him the mansion that they bought with their millions, and he shouts, "You don't need a house THAT BIG! What a waste of cash!" But they reply that it's not THEIR house... it's HIS. THEIR mansion is the one next to it. That's enough to make Donald change his tune.

"Buying ONE mansion is a waste of cash, but buying TWO? THAT'S
what I call a good use of your money!"

Alas, the boys become so busy being the head of a corporation that's biggest claim to fame is selling Larry the Cucumber Juice, they don't have time to spend with poor "Uncle D".

I can't think of a funny caption for this one, so... yeah, make one up and
post it in the comments section below.

Daisy returns so she and Donald can do an episode of What in the World about "Tasty Paste". She's eaten so much of the stuff that she's become... well, y'know that "Big Chungus" meme that's been flying around since... 2018, I think? Well, say hello to the Disney equivalent of that meme. Ladies and gentlemen, Daisy Chungus:

And now, in yet another desperate attempt at making you laugh, I present to you... THE TOP TEN JOKES THAT I CAN MAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENCAP! Apologies in advance to the overweight...

Number Ten - I'm not going to say that Daisy is fat, but when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.

Number Nine - Daisy is hoping to audition for Fantasia's "Dance of the Hours" segment.

Number Eight - I think even Jabba the Hutt would look at Daisy and go, "You need to lose some weight."

Number Seven - If that duck got cooked, it could feed the entire city of Chicago (I just chose a city at random)!

Number Six - I once knew a duck who was so fat, she had her own gravitational pull!

Number Five - I bet Stewie Griffin is going to start following her around with a tuba.

Number Four - SOMEBODY needs to go on a diet.

Number Three - I hope she doesn't start dancing, or else she could cause an earthquake.

Number Two - You see, the joke here is that a character who usually isn't incredibly fat is now incredibly fat.

AND THE NUMBER ONE JOKE THAT I CAN MAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENCAP IS...

"Dat'll hold him alwight! Hehheheheheh... PHOOEY!"

And now, to make up for all of those fat jokes I just made, here's a skinny joke - I once knew a guy who was so skinny, he could loan himself out to arts and crafts stores as a pipe cleaner. Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD skinny joke.

So, as you might have guessed, the boys have become drunk with power. They refuse to do an interview for What in the World, which they just so happened to have bought that morning, and they've also decided that from now on the show will only do "Tasty Paste"-related stories. This makes Daisy MAD!

Last fat joke, I promise...



I can't be the only one who thinks Daisy is tempted to eat them, am I?

And as if the boys weren't being bad enough, they casually mention that they've cut Daisy's salary in half. An understandably ticked-off Daisy announces that she and Donald are quitting the show. Huey, Dewey and Louie don't care. Yes, they have officially become a trio of Michael Eisners/Bob Igers/some other CEO who's infamous.

The boys call up some guy on their... video phone, I guess, to fill them in as to how their new "Tasty Paste" factory is coming along. It's fully-automated, maximizing profits while eliminating the cost of labor. Alas, that means the guy in the video has been fired too, and he vows to get REVENGE.

Fitting that the guy is sitting in a dumpster...

Meanwhile, Donald is still trying to spend time with the boys, but they refuse to play "Quasar Combat" with him... or do ANYTHING with him, for that matter. They're just too busy. So instead, they've hired three random dudes dressed like them to hang out with him instead. 

Why is this so disturbing?

They also keep calling him "Ronald", further showing that money and power have corrupted them, turning them into eeeeeeeeeevil money-obsessed scoundrels. Just like the people currently running the Disney corporation.

I honestly would've preferred having them become mutants and terrorize people
by this point...

A horrified Donald runs out of the room. Meanwhile, that guy from the video sneaks into the "Tasty Paste" factory to get his REVENGE. "I WILL DESTROY THEIR MACHINERY! AND THEIR 'TASTY PASTE' EMPIRE!" he announces, laughing like an insane lunatic.

But wait! How can we make this all the more absurd?! Oh, I know - let's have a bolt of lightning zap a pile of "Tasty Paste", bringing it to life and turning it into some sort of "Tasty Paste" MONSTER?

Sure. Okay. We can do that. Can't possibly make the episode any more ridiculous than it already is.

Beware of the Blob!

So now there's a giant, confused-looking blob of "Tasty Paste" rampaging through the city. Huey, Dewey and Louie don't give a crap upon seeing this on TV. For some reason. They don't even look surprised by it. But then they hear that a giant bloodthirsty mob has gathered outside "Tasty Paste" Headquarters, and THAT'S what makes them nervous.

I don't know about YOU, but I consider this to be karma.

How can Huey, Dewey and Louie solve this problem? Easy - according to Huey, they'll throw money at it. Specifically, they find the "Tasty Paste" Monster and offer it a billion dollars to go to another country (apparently making lots and lots of money resulted in them becoming idiots too). Predictably, that fails, so they go to their "Uncle D" for help.

Donald has a plan - they'll use their "Quasar Combat" guns to destroy the monster. It works - and by "it works", I mean it succeeds in blowing the monster up, but then it regenerates into MORE "Tasty Paste" Monsters.

Wah wah wah wah wah...

And the Slimer Clones have the ability to merge back into one giant "Tasty Paste" Monster that heads for City Hall. Fortunately, they come up with another plan... a plan that involves Donald dressing in drag. Donald lures the monster back to the "Tasty Paste" Factory, where they suck it into one of the machines. The day is saved!

Alas, it takes the boys' entire fortune to pay for the damages to the city that their "Tasty Paste" caused. But at least they still have each other and the monster is out of the picture, right?

Wrong-o, Chongo.

Say, didn't I see this guy before in a Scooby-Doo episode?

And so Huey, Dewey and Louie were eaten by the monster. The end.

Just kidding. It turns out that it was all just a dream. Huey, Dewey, and Louie never actually became rich off of a cross between Jello and radioactive sludge, become a trio of Bob Igers, and get attacked by a giant monster. Huey fell asleep at the diner and imagined all of that.

Then Donald and Daisy show up. Donald still felt bad about letting the boys down, so he and Daisy decided that instead of a REGULAR date, they can all go play "Quasar Combat". But before they go, Gwumpki emerges from the kitchen with a batch of his newest recipe - "Tasty Paste". Upon seeing this, Huey runs out of the diner screaming. But Daisy tries some, discovers that it's delicious, and... well, you can see where this is going. The end.

I hope Donald really DID stock up on "Quasar Combat" guns, because something
tells me that he and his nephews are gonna need them...

What's the Verdict?

I'll admit, Quack Pack wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong, it's not a GOOD show. It's incredibly cheesy, and its attempts at being "hip" and "cool" and whatever are painfully lame. But I've seen far worse shows. The biggest problem, I feel, is that Huey, Dewey and Louie are left to carry much of the episode without Donald. And without Donald, or Scrooge McDuck for that matter, they really aren't interesting enough to carry a show. I don't know if I would recommend Quack Pack, but it's tolerable.

And, hey, if nothing else, at least Disney never tried to "update" Donald's nephews again, right? Like, I dunno, turning Huey and Dewey into clones of Dipper from Gravity Falls and Louie into a greedy jerk, giving them the voices of random celebrities despite the fact that it's very jarring hearing those voices come out of characters that are intended to be kids, teaming them up with a duck version of Mabel who screeches every other line and is ALSO voiced by some random celebrity whose voice doesn't fit a character that's intended to be a kid, and stick them in a show that desperately wants to be Gravity Falls and doesn't do a very good job of hiding it?

Oh, yeah. They did indeed do just that.

Let's Watch This - "Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers"

Let's talk a little about DisneyToon Studios. It had potential. It really did. It could've done great things, but instead it got pigeonholed into making direct-to-video sequels to Disney movies that weren't asking for them. And once THOSE came to an end, it were pretty much stuck doing the Planes and Tinker Bell movies before getting shut down.

But when it made a good movie, it made a good movie. It's the studio responsible for A Goofy Movie, for one thing. And in 2004, it gave us a certain movie called Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers.

This movie was apparently being developed for a while. At one point, Jose Carioca was one of the Musketeers. It was released in honor of Mickey Mouse's 75th birthday. Apparently, before this was released Disney was planning to celebrate that occasion with a film called The Search For Mickey Mouse. Let's talk a little about that: it would've been about Mickey getting kidnapped, so Minnie hires Basil of Baker Street from The Great Mouse Detective to find him. The movie would've focused on Minnie, Basil, Donald and Goofy searching the world for Mickey and encountering every animated character to ever appear in a Disney film. They weren't able to come up with a good script for the film, and they decided that a film where a bunch of different Disney characters show up every five seconds sounded too gimmicky. And, to be honest, I agree. It would be like having a sequel to Wreck-It Ralph suddenly turn into an advertisement for Disney's most popular franchises (such as, for example, the Disney Princesses, Star Wars, and Marvel). Wouldn't that be incredibly stupid?

Veteran Disney animator Floyd Norman, who worked on the film, said that, "In an era of warmed over sequels and prequels, this little movie was a breath of fresh air." He also said that the film was deserving of a theatrical release. And you know what? He's right. If The Jungle Book 2 was considered worthy of a theatrical release, then why not this?

And honestly, I think the fact that it was a direct-to-video release is the reason why this film tends to be overlooked. So today, I'm going to do my part in helping to make sure that people know this movie exists by (what else?) doing a review of it. Let's dive in, shall we?

We start off... uh, behind the scenes of the film, I guess? A turtle (voiced by Rob Paulsen) is sitting in a chair reading a comic book. He tells the narrator of the film that he promised to include some of his songs, but the narrator just whacks him over the head with his lute. Fortunately, he gets his comeuppance via a convenient trapdoor, and SOMEBODY has to be the narrator, so the turtle steps in. "Today," he tells us, "I will tell you the story of... the Three Musketeers!"

Boy, this Masterpiece Theater reboot isn't at all what I expected it to be...

Our story begins in the gutter, where street urchins Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy - plus their dog Pluto - struggle to survive. Suddenly, they're attacked by scoundrels, but the Royal Musketeers show up and save them. Afterwards, one of the Musketeers gives Mickey a gift: his very own Musketeers hat. From that day on, Mickey, Donald and Goofy dream of being Musketeers.

"Disney Babies, we make our dreams come true..."

But before that dream can come true, our three heroes must learn the real meaning of the Musketeer Creed - "All for one and one for all." And the turtle (his name is the Troubadour, by the way) just so happens to have a song about that.

Quick question - why are all of the Musketeers Goofy clones?

This leads to our first musical number, "All For One and One For All", performed by the Troubador and the Musketeers. Nearby, Mickey (Wayne Allwine), Donald (Tony Anselmo) and Goofy (Bill Farmer) are watching the Musketeers. Mickey says that they'll be part of that someday, but for now, they're janitors. Goofy and Donald say that Musketeers need guys that are clever and brave like them. WACKY SHENANIGANS promptly ensue, and eventually Captain Pete (Jim Cummings) winds up landing in the room in his bathtub. Don't you just hate it when your bathtub suddenly falls through the floor?

Pete chew them out for being incompetent as janitors, but Mickey says that they were just practicing so that they could be Musketeers. Pete, after laughing incredibly hard for a few seconds, tells them that they will be Musketeers the day that warthogs learn how to fly a plane. According to him, there are three reasons why they would make lousy Musketeers - Donald's a coward, Goofy's a doofus, and Mickey is too small.

Meanwhile, Princess Minnie Mouse (Russi Taylor) is sitting on her throne swooning about how someday she shall find her one true love. We never see a king or queen, which makes one wonder why Minnie is just a princess as opposed to a queen (other then the whole "queens = evil, princesses = good" mindset that animation studios had at the time). Her lady-in-waiting, Daisy Duck (Tress MacNeille) tells her that a lady of her stature must be courted by a gentleman of royal blood. Even though that doesn't always work out - I mean, hasn't she seen Aladdin?

Minnie, like Jasmine before her, is all "I want to marry for love!" and Daisy's all "But how will you know who your true love is?!" Minnie's all, "I'll know."

This is the cue for the Troubadour to sing a song about love, channeling Pepe Le Pew. However, she doesn't know that Pete's three henchmen, the Beagle Boys (Maurice LaMarche and Jeff Bennett), are preparing to drop a safe on her. Their calculations are off, of course, so their plan fails.

How is this screencap not a meme yet?

Pete is furious - he told them to keep Minnie safe, not drop a safe on her. You see, Pete's plan is to kidnap the princess by the time of the opera tomorrow night.

Ah yes, and whenever Pete mentions the opera, it randomly cuts to a poster of the opera accompanied by singing. It's a great running gag.

So anyhow, Pete plans on kidnapping the princess so that he can become king (which again makes me question where the actual king and queen are). He has his Lieutenant, Clarabelle Cow (April Winchell) send the Beagle Boys down a trapdoor, then gets summoned by Minnie to the palace.

Minnie tells him that she wants Musketeer bodyguards - and in ten minutes. Pete knows that having any of the ACTUAL Musketeers, all of whom are extremely competent, would ruin his plans, so he comes up with an idea.

STEP 1) Make Mickey, Donald and Goofy, who are incompetent, Musketeers
STEP 2) Make them Minnie's bodyguards
STEP 3) Kidnap Minnie (since Mickey, Donald and Goofy are incompetent and probably won't be able to save her)
STEP 4) Become king
STEP 5) I dunno, profit?

Meanwhile, Mickey tells Donald and Goofy that someday they shall prove to Pete that they're fit to be Musketeers. This is Pete's cue to barge in and announce that he's going to make the three of them Musketeers, much to their thrill.

"Hey, Mickey, is it weird that we're the only two Musketeers who aren't dogs?"
"Nah, don't worry about it, Donald..."

Once at the palace, as Pete is "schmoozing" the princess (as he puts it), Mickey tells Donald and Goofy A) that they have to make a good first impression and B) to stay alert because the place could be crawling with villains. Goofy is promptly frightened by a suit of armor, assumes that it's a bad guy, and attacks it.

To be fair, suits of armor ALWAYS come to life and attack people in movies,
so I don't really blame Goofy for being nervous.

After a big speech about how he found these guys and just KNEW that they'd be great Musketeers, Pete introduces Minnie to her bodyguards. Of course, you can see where this is going - Minnie sees Mickey and the two fall in love, complete with a fantasy sequence accompanied by the same music that you ALWAYS hear in a cartoon whenever somebody falls in love.

The fantasy is interrupted by Daisy announcing that it's time to cut the cheese (no, really. She actually says that). Because on the plate that Daisy's holding there's a knife, our heroes assume that she's a bad guy and attack her. Minnie tells them to knock it off.

AAAAAAAAAAND now I'm imagining what the movie would be like
if Daisy was secretly working with Pete.

Pete is thrilled that his plan is off to a good start, which means that it's time for his villain song. This song is called "Petey's King of France", and it's in my opinion the best song in the movie. Mainly because it's performed by Jim Cummings.

After the musical number, Pete tells the Beagle Boys that it's time to put Step 2 of his plan into motion - kidnapping the princess and FAST, since the opera is tomorrow night (cut to the poster and the fanfare). Specifically, he tells them to grab her and lock her in a tower where no one will ever be able to find her (hey, it worked in Tangled).

At the moment, Mickey, Donald and Goofy are protecting Minnie as she and Daisy go for a carriage ride through the country. Minnie is blabbering on about how she's in love with Mickey, but Daisy points out that he's (GASP!) a commoner. "A forbidden love! How romantic..." Minnie swoons.

It's around this time that the Beagle Boys strike. Donald hides in the carriage while Mickey and one of them engage in a little swordfighting, resulting in a funny gag where the Beagle Boy slices off all of Mickey's clothes, leaving him in nothing but his iconic red shorts.

And then he makes that iconic pose of his. You know the one.

The Beagle Boys are able to get rid of Mickey, Donald and Goofy and ride off with Minnie and Daisy. Mickey's all "I DON'T THINK SO!" and gives Donald and Goofy a pep talk before the three run off to save the princess.

Oh my god, the tower that the Beagle Boys hide Minnie and Daisy in even LOOKS LIKE the one from Tangled.

I mean, it's a different color and all, but still...

Goofy attempts to break down the door, resulting in WACKY SHENANIGANS. The Beagle Boys throw Minnie and Daisy into a cage and decide to have a little fun with the Musketeers.

Ah yes, and did I mention the film's OTHER running gag involving Donald shapeshifting into a chicken?

Good thing the Great Gonzo isn't around...

Fortunately, Goofy comes up with a plan that takes out the Beagle Boys and frees Minnie and Daisy. The Troubadour sings another song about love. Kind of redundant since we already had a song about love, but eh, I'll allow it. Mainly because Rob Paulsen is a great singer.

Pete is enraged - Mickey, Donald and Goofy are more competent than he thought they would be. He decides that in order to get rid of the princess, he'll have to pick her musketeers off one by one.

In his spare time, Donald carves topiaries for the Disney Parks.
You've probably seen his handiwork during EPCOT's Flower and Garden Festival.

First, he has Clarabelle lure Goofy into a trap via a shadow puppet of Mickey (Clarabelle's Mickey impression is awful, by the way). Then the Beagle Boys attempt to scare Donald off with Pete masks, but that doesn't work, so they get out a bunch of weapons. It works - Donald makes a run for it, but they capture him and bring him to Pete, who attempts to SLICE DONALD'S HEAD OFF. You know, for kids!

Fortunately, Donald is able to escape. He finds Mickey and Pluto (Bill Farmer) and fills them in as to what's going on. Regardless, Mickey says, "Lie or no lie, Musketeers don't run from danger! And as long as we wear these uniforms, neither do WE!" Donald responds by taking off his uniform, donning his iconic sailor suit, and making a run for it. Mickey tries to encourage him to be brave, but Donald is too scared and dashes off.

Then Pete shows up and clobbers Mickey, taking him to a dungeon which he plans to fill with water. Mickey insists after Pete chains him to the wall that his pals will rescue him, only for Pete to point out that Donald ran off... and inform Mickey that he and his henchmen have already captured Goofy. As he climbs the ladder out of the dungeon, Pete bellows, "I got me tickets to the opera. A little something called... I Just Can't Wait to be King!"

Clarabelle, meanwhile, is preparing to throw Goofy off a bridge and into the river. This doesn't phase Goofy, who is currently falling head over heels for the cow. Thus begins another song in which Goofy expresses his love for Clarabelle, who insists that Goofy will not change her mind one smidge. Regardless, Clarabelle winds up doing a Heel Face Turn and falls for Goofy. After the song, Clarabelle tells Goofy that Mickey is in danger... just as the bridge gives way and they end up landing in a boat that Donald is rowing. Pluto leads Goofy, who's holding Donald, to the dungeon where Mickey is, but Donald is still too scared and hides, only for the Troubadour to sing a song about how Donald is a coward and a traitor and someone to be hated. Eventually Donald snaps, destroys the lute, and tells the Troubadour that he'll show him before running off to join Goofy and Pluto in the rescue mission.

Donald and Goofy are able to save Mickey just in time. Mickey doesn't think they can save the day, but Goofy gives him a pep talk, and then they ride off to the opera. Speaking of which, Minnie and Daisy are just arriving at the opera... where they're grabbed and stuffed into a sack by Pete. Pete's plan is to have one of the Beagle Boys dress up as Minnie and declare that Pete is the king. Say, didn't Ratigan do something similar?

Eh, I'd still rather have Pete as my king than Donald Trump as my president.

Fortunately, Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up and battle the Beagle Boys... on stage, while the opera is going on. Jess Harnell makes a cameo as the voice of a Porky-esque pig who sings "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".

The very model of a modern major general.

Pete decides to get involved, and the battle culminates in a swordfight between Mickey and Pete. Just when it seems like Pete's about to defeat Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up to help. "How's THIS for a coward?!" Donald demands before poking Pete in the eyes. "How's THIS for a doofus?!" Goofy snaps before ramming Pete in the gut. "And I may be small, Pete..." Mickey admits, "But I have friends that make me ten feet tall!"

Pete is taken down. The audience cheers. Mickey and Minnie hook up. Clarabelle appears out of nowhere and hooks up with Goofy. Daisy makes out with Donald. The film ends with Mickey, Donald and Goofy being made royal Musketeers and the Troubadour leading everyone in a quick reprise of "All For One and One For All".

Look at the other musketeers in the background... I just can't get over the fact that
they all look like Goofy. Tell me, is their battle cry "A-HYUCK!"
or "YAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!"?

While there isn't anything groundbreaking about this adaptation of The Three Musketeers, as far as direct-to-video Disney movies go it's one of the better ones. Decent animation, great voice acting, genuinely funny jokes, good songs (even if they're all public domain tunes set to lyrics)... I see no reason why this film didn't deserve a theatrical release. I highly recommend giving it a watch.

That said, hopefully Mickey, Donald and Goofy will get a theatrical release someday (stuff like the Fantasia movies and Fun and Fancy Free notwithstanding). Preferably one that's hand-drawn.