Back to the Drawing Board: The Circle 7 Versions of "Toy Story 3", or How Disney Learned to Stop Worrying and Try to Be PIXAR, Part 2

Part 2: "Total Recall" or "To Infinity and Beyond Any Competence"

Please read Part 1 of this edition of "Back to the Drawing Board" if you haven't already so you know what exactly is going on here. If you don't, you're going to be really, really confused. Now, onto Jim's script (which Lee Unkrich apparently called a "high-end fan fiction", by the way):

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KzNPf6whsgA-OKOrOQyfdd51qS9a05FC/view

We open at a place called Wocka-Wocka Toy Company. I'm guessing from the name that it's owned by Fozzie Bear. Dozens of toy designers are hard at work sketching ideas for toys. Robotic assembly lines manufacture those toys. And in the Focus Groups Room, children are taking the newly-made toys for a "test run" of sorts. Eventually, the toys are narrowed down to three finalists: a human/alligator hybrid (which sounds more like a horror movie monster than a PIXAR character), a dog whose shtick is that he vomits and then laps up the vomit ("It's gross, I know. But kids love it."), and a handsome spaceman in silver-and-black galactic battle armor. When the test kids show up, they go gaga over the spaceman (who at one point says "To BEYOND infinity and beyond!", so I guess this is supposed to be some sort of revamped version of Buzz).

This script actually had concept art made for it. Here's one piece of
concept art showing us the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory.

When the kids leave, a bunch of headless executives dub the spaceman the winner - considering his opponents were a barfing dog and an unholy combination of human and reptile, I think that was a pretty safe bet - and "the solution to [their] emerging Buzz situation". The spaceman's name is revealed to be Daxx Blastar, which isn't as cool a name as "Buzz Lightyear" in my opinion. I mean, seriously, "Daxx"? That sounds like a medicine you can get at CVS or something. But more importantly, what's this about an "emerging Buzz situation"?

We're gonna have to find that out later, because we then transition to Andy's house. All the toys are up and about for the day. I hope you like puns, because this scene has a few of 'em - Woody calls Bo "one of [his] favorite peeps" and at one point Mr. Potato Head takes off his eyes and rolls them towards his wife, causing her to exclaim, "Don't you roll your eyes at me, Mister!"

So, first we have a factory called "Wocka-Wocka Toy Company", and now we've got a hurricane of puns. I take back what I said about Fozzie owning the toy company - he's not a part of this script, he ghost-wrote it!

Remember Lite-Brites? I just found out that there's an app based on it.
Because of course there is.

Woody and Buzz give us some exposition about how Andy and his family are going on a field trip to live in an old colonial town. Will he be taking any of his toys? Well, Woody doesn't think it's a good idea - he points out that every time we go anywhere someone gets misplaced or gets borrowed by another kid, or they all wind up in a Whodunit mystery and start turning on each other. Anyhow, Buzz tries to throw a ball for Slinky to fetch, but is incredibly off-target. And then his arm suddenly twitches. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

Hamm and Rex are using Andy's MAC (hooray, product placement!) to see what Andy's mom is trying to buy on eBay... or, as it's called in the script, "eBid". Amusing how this script for a non-PIXAR version of Toy Story 3 just has a parody of eBay and yet the PIXAR version of Toy Story 3 that we got mentions the actual eBay by name. They tell Woody that none of the items she's bidding on are toys, to their relief - now they know they won't have to deal with new toys showing up and replacing them when the holiday season rolls around. And just to make sure that isn't the case, Hamm and Rex have also "finished" an email that Andy is sending to his grandmother telling him that all he and Molly want for Christmas are books and clothes. Woody tells them that forging emails from other people for personal gain is wrong and deletes the email. By the way, at this point the script starts spelling Rex's name wrong. It says "REXX", despite saying "REX" before.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head complain about Woody always being the one who calls the shots, but Buzz says, "I don't think you toys realize what's involved with keeping this little bedroom community up and running. So unless you've walked a foot in Woody's boots, you should show him your support." After that, Hamm brings up that their email might have been the one thing preventing Andy's grandma from buying him a new Daxx Blastar doll - Andy got some junk mail a few hours ago from Wocka-Wocka.com advertising that spaceman toy from the beginning of the script. Then we get this:

BUZZ: No mugshot (he's referring to the fact that the ad doesn't have a picture of the toy). What's that about?

HAMM: Maybe he's so new he's not complete yet.

JESSIE: That, or they want to create a buzz.

SLINKY: (walks up) Who wants to create a Buzz?

REX: (whose name is spelled correctly again) The people that created Buzz.

SLINKY: Thanks for pointing that out, Rex.

Are you laughing yet? Because I'm sure not.

Oh, and did I mention the joke about Mrs. Potato Head staring at Buzz's rear? The script made Mrs. Potato Head a horny ogler. Eugh...

So Hamm brings up that the ad claims Daxx is "totally loaded with gadgets", to which Buzz is all "I've got gadgets, too, and also I can fall with style!" and demonstrates... but then his wings suddenly retract, sending him falling without style onto Andy's bed. He winds up knocking a ball off the bed that turns on the vacuum cleaner, resulting in some WACKY SHENANIGANS. Eventually, Jessie turns off the vacuum (saying "So long, sucker!", which I'll admit is actually kind of funny), but Buzz continues to act oddly, interrupting his insisting that he's okay with one of his pre-recorded phrases and karate-chopping himself in the face. Eventually, his hand goes flying off!

Well, it could've been worse. At least his entire arm didn't go flying off instead. Would've been Deja Vu for Buzz, actually...

The uprising of the vacuum cleaners has begun.

For whatever reason, Buzz and Woody hide the fact that Buzz is acting weird from the others, then Woody hears Buster the dog approaching, prompting the toys to get back in their positions. Bullseye poses by a trail of "Playdoh road apples"... toilet humor, ha ha ha… Buzz gets his hand back on. Woody suggests that maybe he stay under the bed, as Andy bringing him on the field trip probably wouldn't be the best idea considering the condition that he's in. Buzz says that Woody isn't the boss of him and runs off.

Andy and his mom come in. His mom mentions that Andy can't bring any toys because "You're supposed to be living in 1776. They didn't have your toys back then." Andy picks up Buzz to inform him that he's not coming along, and then... well, I'll let the script describe it for me: "Buzz's bad arm CHOPS AGAIN, his FIST FLIES OFF, and then the pointy end of the stump rakes by again and SCRATCHES ANDY'S FACE." Andy runs out screaming about how Buzz scratched him, and the other toys are giving Buzz angry looks. Buzz is surprisingly nonchalant, though, pulling off his hand to show them that it was just an accident... only to wind up freaking them all out. "Wow. There is something seriously wrong with you people," Buzz claims, putting his hand back on his wrist. "So I'm gonna give you a few moments to get a grip, compose yourselves, and when you're all ready to apologize, I will be waiting inside of my ship." Wow, way to be a pill, Buzz.

Later that day, the toys look at the Wocka-Wocka website to see if they can find an answer to the Buzz problem. "Even though Buzz may act and look incredibly simple, inside he's a rather complex individual," Hamm says. "In this humble hog's opinion, given that he has system-wide problems, it's a control issue. Which means he's gonna need a new chip." Woody asks how they get one, to which Hamm replies that only the factory has them, and even if they somehow got one they would still need special tools to fix him.

"Wow, I have a really fat face..."

Meanwhile, in his box, Buzz reads the instructions on the lid by the light of his laser, which mention that for repairs one should contact the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company in Taiwan - aka the Republic of CHINA. He's all "Oh, heck no! I'll just use Scotch Tape", but then Woody lures him out so he and the other toys can tackle him and roll him up in a bubble-wrap burrito. "Sorry, pal! But we can't risk you malfunctioning and hurting someone else!" Woody snaps. "It was an ACCIDENT!" Buzz protests. "NO, Buzz. Accidents just happen, but this was TOTALLY AVOIDABLE. And I TOLD you to stay away from Andy!" Woody replies. Even if it was an accident, Buzz couldn't control it, which makes him a DANGER.

They shove Buzz in a box as Rex fills out a shipping form, then ship him off to Taiwan so he'll be fixed and shipped back home before Andy gets back. We get a gag about Rex and Mr. Potato Head playing "Operation", then Hamm jumps onto the computer... and is greeted by an MSN-like website with the top article being about how Buzz Lightyears are being recalled. Apparently, Buzz Lightyear toys all over the world are malfunctioning and causing injuries (in Chicago, investigators are looking into whether or not the wings of another Buzz knocked over a candle and triggered a ten-alarm blaze), so the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company issued a global recall so they can be destroyed and replaced. Cue the dramatic music.

Hamm and the Potato Heads blame Woody for the fact that Buzz is going to be destroyed despite the fact that Woody had no idea that would happen and they were all in agreement on sending Buzz back to Taiwan out of concern for his, their, and Andy's well-being. Woody agrees with me and tells them, "Next to Andy, Buzz was - I mean IS - my best friend! And I'm not gonna sit here playing some crazy blame game when we SHOULD all be finding a way to save him!" And fortunately, as long as that Fed-Ex... I mean, FED-UPS... number they took from Al's Toy Barn stays valid, they can ship themselves to Taiwan to save Buzz - and if Woody's not mistaken, they also offer TWO-DAY AIR, which'll get them there the same day as Buzz. Très pratique!

We get a montage of the toys preparing for the trip. Woody, Hamm, Jessie, Bullseye, Rex, Mr. Potato Head, and Slinky Dog jump into a box which Bo Peep, the army men, and a Troll doll seal, then the toys push the box out the second-floor window, where it lands on a conveniently-located red wagon, which carries it over to the curb for an approaching Fed-Ups truck to pick it up. Then we see a Fed-Ups jet flying over Taipei, Taiwan and then arriving at an airport tarmac. Inside, freight pallets roll down conveyors to a warehouse, where they're scanned, sorted, and loaded onto delivery vans that take them to the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory. So, the toys are in Taiwan already? Huh, that was fast. This is going to be a very short script.

Oh, wait - it's not the box that the toys are in that's arriving at the factory, it's the box that BUZZ is in. Buzz takes a look around the factory, which is described as being "HUGE and highly automated, the majority of work and manufacturing achieved using robotic assembly lines and their system of conveyors". Then he encounters another toy on a different assembly line - a Zurg toy... who opens his helmet to reveal "a pink and pruny, baby FACE". He introduces himself as Zurg Feldman, favorite toy of Zach Feldman. He's there to be repaired. Buzz is about to learn the hard way that he's not as lucky.

Look on the bright side, Buzz. Maybe you'll be recycled into
a nice plastic coffee cup.

You see, the conveyor belt that Buzz is on leads to a thing known as THE SMASHER - "an anvil-like ELECTROMAGNET that CRUSHES any toy beneath it to bits and simultaneously collects any SCRAP METAL while leaving what's left to tumble off the conveyor into a DUMPSTER". Fortunately, Buzz manages to escape before he's smashed and make it onto the other conveyor belt, advising the toys on there to jump off before they're destroyed... only to wind up igniting their wrath. Then a factory worker shows up and takes the toys off the belt before placing them in plastic tubs. Once he leaves, Buzz learns just what, exactly, is going on - when he arrived at the factory, a worker put a wire tag with a red "R" on him... and the toys on the conveyor belt that WASN'T heading towards THE SMASHER (gotta say it in all-caps, I guess) don't have those tags. The vomiting dog toy (remember him?) informs him that only toys with the "R" get destroyed.

Buzz then sees a nearby wall where his picture is posted, accompanied by the word "RECALLED". He starts making plans to get the heck out of there - and implies that he's going to beat the stuffing out of Woody when he gets home. I was gonna complain about that being out-of-character, but after reading the other Circle 7 Toy Story 3 script having the Toy Story characters attacking and attempting to kill each other is just something I suppose I should expect.

Wow. They were even working on rendering the animation for this script, too.

Meanwhile, our little rescue group has arrived in Taiwan as well. Jessie is starting to freak out since, after years of storage, she has problems with being stuck in a crate, and once the flashlight goes out she manages to bust out of the box (so either the box is made of incredibly flimsy cardboard or Jessie is just unbelievably strong) and escape. Too bad they're in the back of the van, and so when Jessie opens the door they all wind up the victim of MORE WACKY SHENANIGANS!

After flying off the van, causing the box to explode, and having to dodge a bus and half-a-dozen cars, everybody wonders how the heck they're going to find the factory now. Mr. Potato Head, Rex, and Hamm give Woody flack for this, yet nobody points out that it's really Jessie's fault for busting out of the crate and opening the door to the van in the first place. But they still have the address on the box, which is sitting right there... and is promptly sucked up by a street-sweeper. Everyone, again, blames Woody for this. Why is Woody getting so much crap in both of these scripts?

"We're gonna need to get across this street. Where are a bunch of orange traffic
cones when you need them?"

Woody says that they'll head in the same direction that the truck is heading in to find the factory. Mr. Potato Head and Hamm whine about Woody being the one to decide, but he tells them to shut up because Buzz is in trouble and standing there bickering isn't gonna get him saved faster. Good on you, Woody. There's just one problem - a wide-shot of the city and its skyline reveals that the factory is actually in THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION. D'oh.

Speaking of which, Buzz is still sneaking around the factory, trying to find his way out. Alas, his malfunctioning winds up getting the attention of two workers who are described as being Asian versions of Beavis and Butthead. From that description, something tells me that they would've been horribly offensive stereotypes. Asian Beavis and Asian Butthead begin tossing Buzz around like idiots, but then a headless executive shows up and swipes Buzz from their hands, then brings him into a boardroom where Daxx and a cat in Space Ranger garb named Comet are seated on a table. Once the executive leaves, Comet exclaims, "Foshizzle! The big man's in da house!"

Yes, he actually says that. The script also describes him as being "very 'street'"... ladies and gentlemen, this character would've been yet another one of Disney's attempts at being hip, cool, fly, or whatever it was that teenagers were saying in the 2000s. All he needs are a backwards baseball hat, sunglasses, and a skateboard to ride. The cringe-worthyness continues as Comet tells Buzz, "You are MONEY, baby, they built this company on your white-rear, Lightyear, mad props, dawg, seriously, slap me some plastic..." and then gives him "an ambitious homey-style-handshake". God, he's like a cross between Donkey from Shrek and the Will Smith Fish from Shark Tale. I'm fully expecting him to start rapping at some point later in the script.

Concept art for Daxx Blastar.

Fortunately, Daxx shuts Comet up by shutting his helmet, then introduces himself and Comet to Buzz. Alas, the relief is short - Comet manages to reopen his helmet and continues to act annoying. Buzz fills them in on his plan to get himself fixed and then escape, then a bunch of executives come in. Interesting that all the executives in this script are headless. A way of getting out of having to design minor characters, or a way of dehumanizing the executives as a way of demonstrating how they are the scum of the Earth? You be the judge.

Thus begins a conference call with the executives discussing why they're destroying all the recalled Buzz Lightyears instead of fixing them - it's a chip failure, and that's apparently the most expensive part of a toy. So, the entire reason they're doing this is because they want to save money. There's a joke I could make here, but I'm not sure what it is. Buzz talks into a speakerphone, pretending to be "Andy Stoy" (get it?), the "Vee-Pee of R&D, and a BLT, PDQ, no mayo si vou plas of Wocka-Wocka USA", demanding to know why they're not just fixing the toys. One executive claims that "Andy Stoy" reminds him of the company's founder, Mr. Kagoy - "He had lousy business sense, too, which is why we had to boota-boota his butta-butta off the Wocka-Wocka Boarda-Boarda." Then he mentions that they have to make sure Mr. Kagoy's office doesn't catch wind of this memo... apparently, he "doesn't get copied" on anything they talk about.

Okay, I think I see what's going on here. This is intended to be a satire of Disney. I'm not sure how, specifically, it is, but the comparisons here are too easy to make. You know how people point at Robots and Ratatouille claiming that they're intended to be satires of Disney under Michael Eisner's rule? This is the same way. I'm convinced.

Buzz starts malfunctioning again, and the executives make the decision not to destroy him but rather ARCHIVE him (the Legal Department likes them to save one in the event they get sued). After Buzz is taken outside, one executive suggests they remedy the situation while still making a profit with coupons promising that you can save ten dollars off a brand new Daxx Blastar if you send them their malfunctioning Buzz Lightyear. They'll become rich! The executives leave, and Daxx becomes excited over the fact that he's gonna become the best selling toy in Wocka-Wocka history. I think I've identified the script's villain.

More concept art for Daxx. I still think that's a stupid name, by the way.

Back to Woody and his idiot friends. Woody spots a toy store where they can ask for directions... after all, "if anyone knows where the local toy factory is - it's the local toys." He and Bullseye head over to the store and ask the toys in a window display where the toy factory is, but the toys all speak Chinese. Woody then proceeds to say, in a bad Chinese accent, "So solly! Me no speeky Taiwaneesey!"

I'd like to take this moment to apologize to Chinese people everywhere. I know I'm not the one who wrote this script, but SOMEBODY'S gotta apologize to them for that.

Then Woody spots a woman paying the shop owner and placing Bullseye into her fat kid's stroller. Woody and pals jump aboard the stroller after him. And now, back to Buzz. Seriously? "Me no speeky Taiwaneesey"?

Buzz has arrived at what looks like a prison for toys. Bins filled with recalled toys line the shelves. Among the recalled toys is a pajama-clad doll named Cozy-Rosey. She was supposed to keep kids warm and toasty at night, but kept bursting into flame. Also here is a "sexy" Barbie knockoff named Jade who has a blade of metal that juts out of her knee. And there's also Jujubee Bee, a toy that was apparently supposed to be the next "Pez". And another toy - a walky-talky named Shorty (cause he has a habit of short-circuiting) - just escaped... and has been put on a conveyor belt with some toys that have "R" tags on them. You can guess what happens to him, right?

Concept art for Cozy-Rosey.

"This wouldn't happen if Kagoy was still around. He CARED about toys," Jade sighs. Buzz informs them that he heard the executives mention that he's still at the factory, but didn't want him to know anything about their eeeeeeeeeevil plan to destroy all recalled toys. But if the recalled toys somehow got him a memo that fills him in as to what's going on... too bad Jujubee Bee shoots down that idea. "Do you want more of these toys to end up like Shorty?!" he demands. "THERE IS no way out of here - not anytime soon! Shorty waited over a YEAR for that door to open and chances are it'll take a year to happen again."

In a crowded Taipei commuter train, Woody's team is having problems trying to save Bullseye from the kid... who the script names "Little Buddha". Ummm... well, anyhow, soon they're off the train and heading towards 101 Taipei, the tallest building in the world.

Now back to Buzz. A recalled dog toy named Spike and a pair of paper dolls are playing... strip poker? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Toy Story movies for kids? Rosey tells Buzz that she never even got to leave the factory - she was recalled before she got shipped. Buzz gives a big speech about how great it is having a kid. Then he finds out that there's a heating duct conveniently located nearby which he can use to escape. Then we get this...

JADE: I'm not helping you with your crazy escape.

BUZZ: Actually, what's CRAZY is, except for a lone Walky-Talky, nobody else has tried to get out of this place and get fixed. (eyes the grate's four screws) Especially when all you need's a flat-head screwdriver and the GUTS to use it.

JADE: Guts? This isn't about courage, Lightyear, it's about brains! Y'know... (points at his butt) that thing your logo's stamped on?

BUZZ: (stares at her, incredulous) Wow. To infinity and [word that one sometimes uses for a female dog that I'm not going to actually say here because I want to keep this blow PG].

Again, I'm pretty sure the Toy Story movies are intended to be for kids. And this script just had Buzz Lightyear curse. BUZZ LIGHTYEAR CURSED. What is this, a Robot Chicken sketch?!

Okay, so after... THAT, Buzz tells Jade that he's getting out of there and she wouldn't understand why he's so desperate to escape because she doesn't have a kid. This hits a nerve, and Jade decides to help him escape after all by using her knee as a makeshift screwdriver. Which she says makes her feel "like a tool". Y'know what, I'm gonna let Woody tell you my reaction to that joke. Take it away, Woody:

Oh, and then we get a joke about Buzz looking up Jade's dress. Hooray, ANOTHER joke that doesn't belong in a kid's movie. You've turned Buzz into a perv. Thanks a lot.

"To infin-giggity and beyond!"

Buzz escapes down the heating duct, and when Rosey finds out she wants to follow him. Jade is all "No, it's too dangerous!" and Rosey is all "I wanna have a kid!" and dives down the duct after Buzz. Jade follows her.

At 101 Taipei, Woody and his buddies are in an elevator. They arrive on the ninety-eighth floor... the Employee Day Care Center. And y'know that scene in the actual Toy Story 3 where the crazy kids all barge into the daycare and play roughly with the toys? This is basically like that scene. Bullseye gets done up like a My Little Pony, Hamm and Rex are pushed around in strollers, and Woody is forced to marry Jessie, much to their and my disgust.

Apparently whoever did this concept art thought it would be funnier to have
Mr. Potato Head forced to marry Hamm.

Back to Buzz. Rosey and Jade catch up with him, and Jade says that she hopes he didn't tie the string that he used to climb down into the shaft where the fan blades can hit it. Buzz tells her that OF COURSE he didn't tie it where the fan blades could cut it and besides, the fans are all on a thermostat just like the one that Rosey just so happens to be standing on, so the only way it'll turn on is if there's a sudden jump in the operating temperature of the machinery below blah blah blah we all know it's gonna turn on and cut the string.

The fan sends Buzz and Jade flying into an automated assembly line that's making baby dolls. They wind up getting dressed as infants, then Rosey points them over to a map of the factory. Hooray for plot convenience!

Here's another piece of concept art for another recalled toy that isn't mentioned
in the script. This one's a donkey wearing a sombrero.

We cut back to the daycare center. Woody and Jessie agree that they will never mention their "wedding" ever again. Once the humans all clear out, Rex informs the others that Hamm snuck into the day care office to look up the factory address online. Mr. Potato Head, meanwhile, has his pieces scattered all over the place, so the gang has to put him back together. Bullseye puts his mouth on his butt, resulting in Mr. Potato Head complaining that "You've got me talking out of my a..."

Why is there so much kid-inappropriate humor in this?! First we had the dolls playing Strip Poker, then we had Buzz cursing, then we had Buzz looking up Jade's dress, and now THIS?! What, did they think it would help the film appeal to a wider audience or something? The Toy Story movies didn't need jokes like this to be beloved by all ages!

Okay, so anyhow, before the toys can escape a security guard pulls a steel-mesh cage down over the front of the daycare center, locking them in. How will they get out of this? Who cares, let's cut back to Buzz.

Buzz, Jade and Rosey have made it to the part of the factory where they make Buzz Lightyears. Then a forklift comes their way, so they hide in a hopper full of polymer beads (they're melted down to make plastic)… which the forklift promptly lifts up to take to a vat that melts and feeds the plastic to all of the factory's machinery. Fortunately, before the three can be dumped in, it's quittin' time and the workers shut down the machinery. Huzzah.

Back at the daycare, Woody laments that they haven't done one thing right since they got off the plane. Mr. Potato Head decides to be a jerk and blames Woody for the mess that they're in, which results in Woody snapping. "No one forced you to come on this mission! OR to follow my suggestions!" he shouts. "I didn't sign up for this job! You think I like being the guy who makes all the decisions and constantly has to tell everyone else what to do? WELL, I DON'T!" So why does he do it? Because, he says, he's SUPPOSED TO. "Just like Buzz is supposed to be the most amazing and brave action figure EVER, I have to be 'good ole reliable Woody' - the guy who MUST know what to do because, after all, he played a SHERIFF fifty years ago on some rinky-dink kiddy show that got canned after two lousy seasons!" he complains (Jessie is quick to remind him that they actually did THREE seasons and two Bob Hope Christmas specials). Jessie calls out Mr. Potato Head for being such a jerk to Woody, then chews out Woody for not simply telling them earlier that he doesn't like being the guy who makes all the decisions.

I think this sums up both of these Circle 7 scripts pretty well...

So, Mr. Potato Head apologizes to Woody for giving him a hard time, admitting that he's under a lot of stress because they're trapped in the world's tallest building, don't know if Buzz will be saved, and is worried that Mrs. Potato Head will be mad that he didn't kiss her goodbye (not to mention that he forgot to clear his browser history on the internet or hide that pipe he still smokes and those photos of a "Mistress Potato Head"... make up your own joke here, I'm typing this part of the review at 10:23 at night and I think I'm too tired to think of a joke to make here). Woody also apologizes for being bossy and tells Bullseye and Rex to see if they can find a fire escape or a freight elevator or something. Jessie tells Hamm to get on the phone and call security to unlock them. Slinky, meanwhile, spies the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company outside the window. Then Woody gets another idea, this one involving a plastic toy shopping cart, lots of Mylar birthday balloons, and a battery-powered bubble machine. With that, they manage to construct a makeshift flying machine and soar over the city of Taipei.

Why did they bring Mr. Potato Head along again? All he's done throughout
the script is act like a jerk to Woody.

Actually, he pretty much reverted back to his personality in the first Toy Story
movie, didn't he?

Thanks to Rex accidentally freeing two balloons rather than one, those WACKY SHENANIGANS rear their ugly head again (among them Rex's screaming face winding up on a jumbotron). But enough of that, let's see how Buzz is doing?

Hiding in those mop-and-bucket-on-wheels things, Buzz, Jade, and Rosey manage to find a building directory telling them where the conference room is. But, oh no! It's five floors up! And Buzz's chip problem is acting up, too. He's all "Go on without me!" and then Rosey accidentally lets it slip that Jade actually DID have a kid once. Time to repeat the "When Somebody Loved Me" scene from the second movie.

Jade explains that she was one of the first Jade dolls shipped to America. Once at the toy store, a little girl spotted her and immediately wanted to buy her. But once they made it to the register, Jade discovered that the recall had been announced THAT VERY SAME DAY. Jeez, talk about lousy timing. Then the store's manager boxed up the Jades and shipped them back to Taiwan. Mr. Kagoy was still in charge back then, so all the other Jades got fixed and shipped out. But the script's Jade was the one picked to be archived in the Recall Room. "From that moment," Jade says, "I swore I'd never let myself feel that much pain again. But now here I am, back chasing the dream. Only this time, I am NOT coming close just to have it go away."

Here's some concept art for Jade... or, as she's called here, "Cindy Scissors".
Honestly, I think that's a much funnier name.

But there's still the whole "how are they gonna get to floor where the conference room is" problem. So they set off a fire alarm, causing all the workers in the factory to evacuate, and then they head into an elevator playing a muzak version of "Hakuna Matata". In a case of not as lousy timing, Woody and his group are landing on the lawn of the factory. Too bad about those pesky lawn sprinklers, though, but they manage to make it into the loading dock.

Meanwhile, Buzz and his group meet back up with Daxx and Comet in the conference room. They explain about how they're going to get the memo to Mr. Kagoy and prevent them from destroying all the recalled Buzz Lightyears, to which Daxx is all, "Hey, that's great because if they do that me and Comet won't have to worry about the factory recalling and destroying US some day!" Once Jade and Rosey find the memo, Daxx suggests that they and Buzz take the room's air tube transport system to Mr. Kagoy's office. So they cram into capsules as Daxx sets the control console... not to Mr. Kagoy's office, but rather to "RECYCLING". Yes, this version of Toy Story 3 has a twist villain, too. Honestly, I'm not all that surprised that it's Daxx.

Back to Woody's gang. We get another lame pun ("There's a LAKE in my boot!" as opposed to "There's a SNAKE in my boot!", nyuck nyuck nyuck), then Hamm consults the shipping desk's Fed-Ups delivery chart to let them know that they'll have to be out of the factory by 7 PM that night if they want to get home before Andy does. It's 5:35 now, and there are tons of boxes containing recalled Buzz Lightyears. So finding Buzz might take a while. Or maybe not, as their Buzz, Jade, and Rosey fly overhead in the air tube. So they chase after them.

In the recycling department, Buzz and his pals land on a plastic hopper and encounter Daxx and Comet again. "You had a great run, Buzz. But now it's time for a new Number One," Daxx said. Then he tips the hopper, sending Buzz, Jade and Rosey onto the conveyor belt that leads towards THE SMASHER. Fortunately, Woody and Jessie ride in on Bullseye. Woody tells Jessie and Bullseye to unplug the machine as he tries to save Buzz. He manages to get Jade and Rosey off the conveyor belt, but before he can save Buzz, they're both pinned down by clamps.

No, not THAT Clamps...

But Buzz manages to break free and save Woody. Woody gets off the belt, but Buzz's leg is clamped and he winds up falling off the belt while his leg gets smashed (what is it with Toy Story characters losing their limbs?). Comet and Daxx leave, their mission of destroying Buzz seemingly complete, as everyone else gathers around Buzz, whose chip is on its way out... and as a result, so is HE. Hamm says that if Buzz's memory chip goes, he'll reset, forgetting about Andy, his friends, everything. But then Woody spots a nearby sign reading "PARTS & SERVICE", and he gets an idea...

This is the weirdest episode of Grey's Anatomy ever...

They head to the PARTS DEPARTMENT and get to work repairing Buzz. They manage to get a new leg on him, but Woody can't reach in and grab the chip because his hand is too big. So it's up to Rex. Rex is all "No, I can't do it!" Jessie brings up that it's just like playing Operation... to which Rex says, "But I suck at Operation!"

Yes, Rex just cursed. I honestly don't know why the amount of kid-inappropriate humor in this script still surprises me at this point.

Okay, so Rex reaches in, pulls out the chip and Hamm finds a new chip that looks just like it... wait, if they put a replacement chip in, won't that still result in Buzz's memories being gone? Eh, to heck with it, the script's almost over... Rex puts the chip in... and it works! Buzz springs back to life. But, wouldn't you know it, I was right. Buzz doesn't recognize any of his friends. He doesn't even remember that he's not a real space ranger. "He's reset. He's in default mode," Jade laments.

"Well, he'll never be OUR Buzz again, but at least we can all go home to Andy," Woody sighs. Jade and Rosey flip out, because Buzz promised them that they'd be fixed and get kids of their own. But then we get this...

BUZZ: Andy? How do I know that name?

WOODY: Andy is our kid, Buzz! Our boy!

BUZZ: OUR boy? Like our son? (suspiciously) Are you saying you and me are... y'know... one of those "two dad" families?

Why do I have the feeling that this joke was intended to be homophobic? Maybe I'm just being paranoid...

Jade and Rosey repeat Buzz's big speech from earlier in the script about how great it is being a toy who has a kid, and it results in Buzz getting his memory back. He's all better! Huzzah! Say, didn't WALL-E have a scene like this near the end?

Speaking of robots, here's another piece of concept art for a recalled toy.
I guess making fun of Asians wasn't enough, the folks at Circle 7 also felt the need
to mock the Hispanic as well.

It's 6:27 now, which means there isn't enough time for them to get Jade and Rosey fixed AND get home before Andy returns from his field trip. But Buzz is determined to finish his "mission", and Woody says he can count on him. He orders Hamm to print out another Fed-Ups label and Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, and Bullseye to get packing tape, bubble wrap and a two-day box. Then Buzz orders Jade and Rosey to grab that memo and then they, Woody, and Jessie will find the newest transport tube and they'll all rendezvous in the Shipping Department. It's off to Mr. Kagoy's office!

They make it to the front door of his office and are about to slip the memo inside... but then Rosey accidentally burns it up. But then Mr. Kagoy (who the script describes as "Geppetto meets Jerry Garcia") opens the door and spots the toys... and starts talking like a surfer dude. Uh... okay, then. He gathers up the toys, talks to them, and brings them into his office. And then, well... okay, get ready for this... Buzz actually comes to life and tells Mr. Kagoy that they need his help. And Mr. Kagoy isn't at all freaked out by the fact that A TOY JUST CAME TO LIFE. In fact, it seems as though he actually knew beforehand that the toys were alive. Honestly, from the way he looks and talks, I have the feeling that he's supposed to be a stoner. I would not be surprised at this point.

Concept art for Mr. Kagoy.

Mr. Kagoy is outraged when Buzz tells him about the recalled toys being destroyed, and as he and the toys ride something called a "Cushman" past THE SMASHER, he complains that he built the factory to MAKE toys, not DESTROY them. They find all the recalled Buzz Lightyears, which horrifies him even more. "Any broken toy that can possibly be fixed SHOULD BE FIXED!" he says. "You fix it, ship it, and get it to a kid! Otherwise, why make toys at all?!"

Cut to the party that the Wocka-Wocka Factory Executive Guys are having. There's catering, music, a hologram of the Wocka-Wocka logo... heck, even Al from the second movie is there! But before the executives can announce their awesome new toy Daxx Blastar, Mr. Kagoy and the toys crash the party and Mr. Kagoy says that they're going to fix the recalled Buzz Lightyears. He uses a remote control to have a bunch of Buzz dolls "drive" into the room on space ranger rovers... actually, he's just pretending to control the Buzzes, they're driving the rovers themselves. "When I started this company," Mr. Kagoy exclaims, "It wasn't about making money! It was about making TOYS - for kids who love 'em and love to play with 'em, just like I do!"

He starts holding up Buzzes and listing the names of the kids on their boots (I thought that was just an Andy thing. I guess it's pretty popular in this world to write your name on the feet of your toys), eventually getting to main character Buzz. "Andy doesn't want a REPLACEMENT!" he says. "He wants THIS Buzz - his FRIEND Buzz - to be fixed and sent back home, not DESTROYED by some TOY-SMASHING MACHINE!" The crowd gasps. Even Al looks shocked. "So to ALL you kids who own our toys, a promise: whether it's broken, or missing a part, even if it's been RECALLED - send it in and we will FIX IT and ship it back because that's what we at Wocka-Wocka are all about!" Mr. Kagoy announces. The crowd cheers, the eeeeeeeeeevil executives panic over how they'll be in trouble once the shareholders find out about their smashing little kids' toys, and Mr. Kagoy thanks Buzz for filling him in as to what was going on.

Woody, Buzz, and their pals ride off in a rover, but then Buzz spots Daxx, who is at the moment ranting to Comet about how this isn't THEIR moment, it's HIS... and decides that they can take a minor detour for some sweet, sweet revenge. He drives the rover into the pedestal that Daxx is standing on, sending him flying into a bunch of standees. When the curtains open and the announcer introduces the crowd to Daxx, all they see is Comet. They're excited over the fact that there's finally an action figure for girls, and Daxx is ENRAGED! He chases after Buzz and his pals, then flicks a switch and starts up an assembly line making more and more Daxx dolls, forming himself a little army. "You could've gone home to your kid, Buzz!" he snaps. "Could've called it a day! But NO, you had to hang around and RUIN MINE! Well, one 'buzz kill' deserves another, Lightyear! You may have taken me down... but I am taking you OUT."

"Surprise! I'm the script's twist villain!"

Cut to Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, Rex, Rosey and Jade (wait, weren't they with Woody, Jessie and Buzz?) waiting by a Fed-Ups box addressed to Andy in the factory's shipping department. Woody and Jessie join them, reassuring them that Buzz is right behind them. Buzz, meanwhile, is being chased by the Daxxes, but he causes a pile-up with some boxes... and then encounters all the recalled Buzzes. Apparently, Jade cut open one Buzz's box, and then THAT Buzz freed ANOTHER Buzz, who freed ANOTHER Buzz, who freed ANOTHER Buzz, and so on. The result - an epic battle of Buzzes and Daxxes. The Buzzes tell our Buzz that they'll hold off the Daxxes while he escapes, and Buzz meets back up with his friends. But the climax apparently STILL isn't over yet, because Daxx spots him leaving and pursues him.

And then, when they're all getting in the box, they see the shipping label - which features Andy's OLD address, not the one for his NEW house! Blah blah blah, Daxx catches up with Buzz and they start beating up each other, Jessie fills out a new label, Woody and Hamm build a new box, the others fill it with packing peanuts, and to make a long story short Daxx winds up being knocked into the box with Andy's old address on it. They seal it up, and then Woody crosses out the address on the label and replaces it with "22 Elm St."... and then crosses out "ANDY DAVIS" and writes "SID". Wow, a reference to Sid. Didn't see THAT coming.

So the others all jump inside the new box, and Buzz says goodbye to Rosey and Jade... who kisses Buzz. Aren't he and Jessie supposed to be an item?

The toys make it back to Andy's, and are even able to make it there just before he comes home. The script calls Andy "the ADD Poster Boy", by the way. After Andy shows up and talks about how much fun he had, he leaves and Woody, Jessie and Buzz talk about the crazy little adventure that they had. So, all's well that ends well, right?

Well, no - then the toys hear Andy opening a letter from the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory and then telling his mom that something's wrong with Buzz and that they've gotta send him to China. Woody gives Buzz a nervous look, and then the script ends. During the credits, we see all the recalled toys, now fixed, finding kids of their own.

I don't know which script was worse, the first one or THIS. At first I was like, "Well, this isn't GOOD, but it's not god-awful..." and then they shipped Buzz to Taiwan and things quickly go downhill. For one thing, the script apes Toy Story 2 way too much - the toys going on a mission to rescue another toy, the sad backstory for one of the new toys, the "race to get home before Andy does" climax... characters act like jerks to each other, the jokes fall flat, and there's way too much "risque" humor. I did not need to read Buzz and Rex cursing. Mr. Kagoy was kind of cool, though, I'll give it that.

We were incredibly lucky to wind up with the PIXAR-made Toy Story 3 that we actually got. We dodged an enormous bullet. No, actually, make that TWO enormous bullets. Heck, THREE, considering there's still the script for the Circle 7's planned Finding Nemo sequel that I need to look at. But we'll do that one another time.

To keep this post from ending on a completely negative note, here's a funny scene from Cars:

UPDATE: Greetings from 2023! In December 2022, months after I posted this, YouTube channel Hemmas Studios revealed that there was a THIRD Circle 7 Toy Story 3 script that the "Buzz gets recalled" script was chosen over. I won't be doing a post about that script since it doesn't appear to be online, but it was written by Jim Herzfeld (who seems like a really nice guy, by the way) before he was asked to work on the script we just looked at. The script was about Andy's mother getting married to Andy's soccer coach, who has a daughter around Andy's age with a bunch of toys of her own. They go on vacation to Mexico, where the toys meet a group of knockoff toys led by a bootleg Buzz named El Buzz. And they also fight smugglers. It sounded... at least slightly better than either of the scripts we looked at. You can find the video on YouTube, just look up Hemmas Studios (the videos on that channel are great!).