Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Tutenstein"

This show stars a mummy, so it qualifies as a Halloween review.

If you watched Discovery Kids in the 2000s like I did, there's a very good chance that you at least saw a promo for Tutenstein. Produced by Porchlight Entertainment, this cartoon premiered on Discovery Kids on November 1st, 2003 and received three seasons, plus a movie called Clash of the Pharaohs. I was pretty surprised to find out that it was based on a comic book... a comic book that, incidentally, was created by Jay Stephens, who would go on to create The Secret Saturdays for Cartoon Network (note to self: review The Secret Saturdays at some point).

Tutenstein is about a ten-year-old mummified pharaoh named Tutankhensetamun (voiced by Jeannie Elias, except for a few episodes of Season 3 where Donna Cherry did it), awoken from his slumber by a twelve-year-old aspiring Egyptologist named Cleo (Crystal Scales) and her cat, Luxor (Daran Norris). He lives in a museum, desperately trying to get the hang of the modern world. Also, there's an evil god named Set, the god of disorder and violence, who wants to get his hands on Tutenstein's scepter so he can - you guessed it - take over the world.

The show received positive reviews from critics and won two Emmys for "Outstanding Special Class Animated Program". You can currently find episodes on YouTube. It's been on my "to review" list for quite some time, and since Halloween is just around the corner, I figured, why put it off any longer? We're gonna watch the eighth episode of the show, "The King of Memphis", and see if Tutenstein is a good show or something that should be, like a mummy, kept under wraps. Sorry, couldn't resist...

"The King of Memphis" starts off with Cleo arriving home, excited that she has a three-day weekend. I can confirm that there are very few things more satisfying than getting home from school the day before a three-day weekend. A minute or so after she gets home, the doorbell rings, and guess who's at the door? Hint: their name is the title of the show.

Yep, it's Tutenstein... and to be honest, I'm a little amused by the thought of him walking around in broad daylight to Cleo's house, oblivious to everyone giving him confused or terrified looks. I mean, if you lived in... wherever this show takes place and you saw a mummy walking around, how would YOU react?

Maybe they all just assumed he was on his way to a costume party?

Cleo hears her mom approaching and hides Tutenstein in a closet. When Cleo's mom comes down the stairs, she tells her that they're going to Memphis, Tennessee. For those unaware, Memphis is considered the birthplace of rock 'n' roll, and the home of Graceland, where Elvis Presley set up shop - and it's named after a city in Egypt, so I wonder if Tutenstein will be confused and think THAT'S where they're going.

Eventually, Cleo's mom hears Tutenstein making noise in the closet and opens it up. Her reaction to seeing a mummy in her closet is, oddly enough, less "AAAAAAAAAAAH! A MUMMY!" and more just confusion. Cleo claims that he's just a friend from her school's drama class, and then Tutenstein says that he shall be joining them on their journey to Memphis.

I've heard of having skeletons in your closet, but this is ridiculous.

Cleo's mom is cool with letting Tutenstein tag along on their trip, and then Cleo explains to Tutenstein that they're not going to Memphis, Egypt but rather Memphis, Tennessee. This doesn't bother Tutenstein at all. But wait, Cleo's mom did say that they needed Tutenstein's parents' permission for him to come along. How will they pull THAT off? Easy - the talking cat will call her up pretending to be Tutenstein's dad. I wonder if Luxor is ever tempted to reveal to Cleo's mom that he can talk. He'd probably never have to worry about her having him neutered if he did...

He's basically the show's equivalent of Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
With the voice of Cosmo from The Fairly OddParents.

Once they get to Memphis, their first stop is Kingland, an amusement park all about Elvis. And no, I looked it up, there is no actual Elvis amusement park in Tennessee. It's a cartoon, they have artistic license.

If Uncle Jesse from Full House were to build an amusement park, this is
totally what he would build.

And how exactly does Tutenstein get around the whole "people are going to freak out if they see a mummy walking around" thing when they're at Kingland? He puts on sunglasses. Apparently that's enough to hide the fact that he's a mummy. Okay then...

Cleo's mom tells them that they'll meet up in front of the Blue Suede Shoes store at 6:00. Wait, she's just gonna let her kid, her cat, and her kid's "friend from drama class" walk around the crowded amusement park on her own? Yeah, Cleo's got her cell phone, but that doesn't seem like great parenting to me. When my family goes to an amusement park, we always stick together. Unless my sister wants to go on some scary-looking roller coaster, in which case I wait outside.

Eventually, Tutenstein notices that there's a whole lot of Elvis around Kingland - Elvis impersonators, people wearing Elvis t-shirts, kids holding Elvis dolls, Elvis statues, even the janitor is wearing an Elvis costume. I've never been to Graceland, is this what it looks like?

That custodian is probably thinking about how much he hates his job.

"Where are all the statues of ME?" Tutenstein complains. Perhaps a better question is, why does nobody notice the presence of a MUMMY? This cartoon takes place before everyone became glued to their phones and were too busy checking their Instagram to pay attention to the world around them, surely SOMEBODY would see the kid with green skin wrapped in bandages. No way the sunglasses are enough to hide his appearance. If you brought a lion into, say, Washington DC and put a Nationals hat on his head, people would still notice that he's a lion!

Tutenstein is getting his bandages in a twist over all the statues of this other guy referred to as "the King" instead of him. "I will show him who is the ruler of all!" he declares before dashing off to pick fights with Elvis impersonators (one of whom sounds like Pat Buttram, interestingly enough). And I think it's just a rule here that everyone who works at the park needs to be dressed like Elvis, because even the security guard is an Elvis impersonator.

Here's a joke for you: how many Elvises does it take to outwit a mummy? Answer:
one. Everybody knows that mummies love rock 'n' roll music... but their absolute favorite
genre of music is WRAP. Thank you, I'll be here all week!

Tutenstein assumes that this "King" has some powerful magic that allows him to duplicate himself. Well, two can play at THAT game. He takes out his staff and two coins, then chants a magic spell calling upon the two spirits of his soul to step out of his body and take his form in the "here and now". In other words, we now have THREE Tutensteins for the price of ONE.

"Is my head really that big?"

Tutenstein 1 tells the other two Tutensteins to seek out all the Elvises and force them to renounce their claims to his throne. Tutenstein 2 is nice, Tutenstein 3 is evil. So when Tutenstein 2 gives a kid an ice cream cone, Tutenstein 3 swipes it and eats it himself. And when Tutenstein 2 helps a lady carry her bag full of merchandise, Tutenstein 3 dumps it in a trash can.

Eventually, Luxor manages to catch up with Tutenstein 3 on a roller coaster - which is inconvenient for him, since he's a literal scaredy-cat.

I imagine Luxor didn't see the "You Must Be This Tall To Ride" sign.

Oh, and Tutenstein 3's head falls off, right into Cleo's hands. Speaking of Cleo, I just realized something... is Cleo's name supposed to be a reference to Cleopatra? Y'know, the EGYPTIAN queen? If so, very clever...

Put that thing down, Cleo. You don't know where it's been.

After Tutenstein 3 gets his head back on, ticks off Cleo, and wanders off, Tutenstein 2 shows up. And then Luxor runs into Tutenstein 3 again. Tutenstein 1 shows up to explain the situation - if Elvis can multiply himself, so can he.

[Insert reference to that meme with the three Spider-Mans pointing at each other here]

Cleo tells Tutenstein that according to ancient writings, the parts of the soul - the "Ba" and "Ka" - can never be separated from the body for too long. Why? Because unless they're reunited by sundown, Tutenstein will die... again. But wouldn't you know it, the three Tutensteins wander off before they can hear that part. And it's already starting to get dark! Cue the dramatic music.

One Tutenstein winds up at a peanut butter and banana sandwich-eating contest, another is spraying water at people, and the other is trying to stop Tutenstein 3 from ruininng everyone's fun. Some poor kid gets a look at Tutenstein 2's unwrapped arm... and yes, I'm including a screencap. If I had to look at it, so do you. Sorry.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeugh...

Cleo and Luxor find Tutenstein 1 after he wins the contest (there are benefits to having an empty body cavity), allowing Cleo to tell him that he needs to reunite with the other two Tutensteins or else it's bye-bye Tutenstein. Tutenstein laments that he's a fool, but then Cleo and Luxor give him a pep talk and he decides that he WILL find the other two Tutensteins before sundown no matter how impossible it seems. Unfortunately, Tutenstein 3 (the evil one) will not go gentle into that cold night, and he's dragging Tutenstein 2 (the nice one) along with him. Eventually, all three wind up back on the roller coater, which they fall off, landing in a Gravitron just as the sun is going down. Out stumbles one, very dizzy, Tutenstein. Huzzah.

I believe this is the same expression I had after going on a Chairswing ride at
King's Dominion.

Today, Tutenstein has learned not to act hasty. And also not to eat a hundred peanut butter and banana sandwiches before going on a Gravitron. Now I'm curious, are mummies capable of vomiting?

What's the Verdict?

I'm not sure why I never watched Tutenstein when it was on, but now that I actually HAVE watched it, I personally found it pretty good. You'd think the fact that the episode takes place in a modern day theme park based on Elvis' existence means that they wouldn't be able to do much with the "Egyptian mummy in modern times" thing, but they do! I liked the characters... or at least Tutenstein and Luxor, Cleo's not super-interesting but for the straight man she works fine. Most of the jokes work, the animation is good, and the voice actors all do a good job. I think the show's being on Discovery Kids, which as I said before in my review of The Save-Ums! was never as popular as Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon, is the main reason for its obscurity nowadays. Ah well, by doing a review of the show, I'm doing MY part to make it a little more well-known.

A reboot of Tutenstein was also announced recently. We'll see if that helps to boost awareness of the original show. But for now, I'm giving it four Elvis Presley impersonators out of five. That's a wrap!

Get it? Wrap? 'Cause it's a show about a... look, I'm trying really hard here.

Let's Watch This: "Monster Family" (2017)

The Halloween season is upon us, and you know what THAT means... people putting up giant skeletons on their front lawn (how does one assemble one of those, anyway?). But what else does it mean? If you guessed "me doing unfunny reviews of obscure animated stuff that's kinda sorta Halloween-related", you're right!

To start off the Halloween reviews, I thought I'd take a look at an obscure animated film from our friends in Germany and the United Kingdom, directed and produced by a Mr. Holger Tappe and co-written by novelist David Safier. That movie is Monster Family, also known as Happy Family.

From my understanding, this film actually got a theatrical release in its home countries, though I'm not sure if it was ever released in the United States at all (if I'm wrong, please fill me in). It was a box office bomb, with a ten-percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but that didn't stop them from making a sequel which no I am not going to review thank you for asking. And you can currently find the movie on YouTube, Tubi, and Amazon Prime, which means I can watch it and do a review of it. Aren't I "lucky"?

I can't help but wonder if the reason why the film didn't do better is because most people looked at the CGI vampires, werewolf, and Frankenstein's Monster on the poster and immediately thought "Hotel Transylvania knockoff!". I don't think the movies are THAT similar judging by the plot description of this one, but there's probably the risk when doing a CGI-animated movie about iconic monsters that you're going to wind up getting comparisons to Hotel Transylvania. I don't know, maybe this film WAS made to cash in on its success...

But enough yammering, let's get on with the review. Sit back, relax, and get out whatever Halloween-related snack you got at your local supermarket, because this is Monster Family.

The movie begins somewhere covered with ice and snow as "Toccata and Fugue" is heard being played on the pipe organ.

If you look closely, you can see Elsa singing "Let It Go" and the Polar Express
chugging along nearby.

Then we cut to a pair of doors opening in front of us, revealing the source of the pipe organ music - three bats who, judging from their goofy designs, I assume are the comic relief characters of the movie. The bats' organ-playing is interrupted, however, by the arrival of this guy:

This is Count Dracula, voiced by Jasson Isaacs. Now, when you have Dracula in your animated movie, there are two ways it can go. You can have him be a bad guy like in the original book (Mad Monster Party?, Scooby-Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf) or you can go the Hotel Transylvania route and have him be a friendly guy who's just been misjudged by the world. I don't know which direction this film will take with their Dracula, but he does show us that he loves Tom Jones, so how bad can he be?

If you ever wanted to hear Lucius Malfoy sing "It's Not Unusual", congratulations,
your wish has been granted by this movie.

After that fun-kay performance from Dracula, we get an unfunny scene of him trying to find his cell phone as it goes off (his ringtone is what sounds like Hampton the Hamster singing "Who Let the Dogs Out?", which I assume is also supposed to be funny). The call is from our main character, Emma Wishbone (voiced by Emily Watson), who thinks that she's calling a costume store called Vampires R Us. Sorry, Emma, but Vampires R Us went out of business the year this movie came out - you can blame online shopping for that.

How the heck do you dial the number for a costume store and wind up
talking to someone in TRANSYLVANIA? Are there just no Vampires R Us
stores in the U.K.?

DOES she live in the U.K.? I assume she does because she has a British
accent, but they haven't said where she lives yet.

Dracula informs her that he's, y'know, DRACULA and not a guy working at a costume shop, but begs her not to hang up because it's so nice to have someone to talk to after so long. Unfortunately, Emma is subjected to WHACKY SHENANIGANS that culminates in her phone falling down a storm drain, interrupting their conversation just as Dracula was falling head over heels in love with her.

Dracula calls for his hunchbacked servant Renfield (Ewan Bailey) and commands him to find Emma Wishbone so he can make her his wife... and also to bring in his washing, because he thinks it's going to rain.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this Dracula has a lot of fangirls
online. I mean, just look at him. Combined with Jason Isaac's voice, he's gotta
have just as many girls crushing on him as the Once-Ler.

Upon arriving at the bookstore she owns, Emma complains to her hippie friend Cheyenne (Celia Imrie) about what lousy luck she's been having. In addition to the WHACKY SHENANIGANS she was just subjected to, her son, Max (Ethan Rouse), has been having trouble in school because he's a tech whiz, which of course makes him a target for stock bully classmates.

Wow, this movie really nailed how disgusting school bathrooms are. Although I don't
think MY school bathrooms ever had this much graffiti in them...

Her teenage daughter, Fay (Jessica Brown Findlay), on the other hand is having typical animated movie teenager problems. She's ga-ga for a cute boy her age named Jayden (Isaac Rouse), but doesn't have the guts to tell him how she feels. You might remember this plotline from The Incredibles and probably a bunch of other movies that I can't remember right now.

"We have the same nose! It's destiny!"

As for her husband, Frank (Nick Frost), he's absolutely swamped at work, meaning that he never has time for his wife and kids. Yes, it's THAT cliche, complete with the stock overbearing boss. He's also gassy, because farting is funny, right?

"EUGH! Frank, what did I tell you about eating at Taco Bell?!"

"But it's muy bueno, sir!"

Fortunately, Cheyenne just so happens to have a pair of fake vampire teeth for Emma's costume, so that's one problem solved. She also has an invitation to a monster costume party, solving Emma's OTHER problem of finding something that the whole family can do. "My family will love it!" she exclaims. Gee, I wonder if we'll be getting a Gilligan Cut to the whole family hating the idea...

Ee-yup, we cut to Max, Fay, and Frank groaning after Emma tells them about the party. Fay's too preoccupied with her date, Max is working on something with cold fusion, and Frank's got work to do. But Emma already made the costumes, so they're going to the party whether they like it or not.

We then cut to Dracula, now dressed like the bad guy from Turbo, paying a visit to someone he's holding prisoner: Baba Yaga (Catherine Tate), the witch from Slavic folklore. He tells her that if she can still perform that transformation spell of hers, he'll set her free.

Yeesh, she looks like Uncle Fester from the 2019 animated Addams Family movie
in drag...

To prove that she can still do it, she takes a page from Circe's book and turns the comic relief bats into the ugliest pigs I've ever seen. Great, now Dracula can have bacon for breakfast.

After that, we cut back to the Wishbones. They're all dressed up for the party - Emma's a vampire, Fay's a mummy, Max is I guess supposed to be a werewolf but looks more like a bear cub, and Frank is Frankenstein's Monster because when your name is Frank you're pretty much obligated to dress as Frankenstein's Monster for Halloween at least once.

I love how Fay's mummy costume is just a hoodie with bandages drawn on it. Looks like Emma
went the cheap route with her costume.

Max and Fay start bickering about their problems at school, then we cut back to Dracula giving Baba Yaga the scoop on what he wants her to do: turn Emma into a vampire. I was going to ask why Dracula didn't just bite her and turn her into a vampire THAT way, but then Baba Yaga asks it herself, to which Dracula explains that if he does, she will lose her exquisite soul. I do love it when what I'm reviewing answers the questions I have about it before I ask them.

When they get to the party, the hostess leads them into a dark room - and when the lights turn on, they get an unpleasant surprise. They're on a stage. Everyone else at the party is NOT wearing a costume. And they all think that the Wishbones are a band hired for the party, not party-goers themselves. What the heck? Did nothing on the envelope say "Oh, by the way, you don't have to wear a costume"? And why would the hostess immediately assume that they're a band just because they're wearing costumes? If people weren't supposed to wear costumes at the party, why wouldn't she have asked them why they were wearing costumes when they arrived? And why wouldn't she have questioned why one member of this "band" is a CHILD?

The Jonas Brothers they are not.

Emma starts singing "Silent Night" because she apparently got her holidays mixed-up as Frank and Fay attempt to play the instruments they've been provided but wind up sucking at it. The audience starts booing, the hostess dubs them imposters, and after briefly cutting back to Dracula and Baba Yaga, we see the Wishbones getting thrown out.

"That was totally humiliating and it's all your fault!" Fay complaints, pointing at Emma. "No one wanted to come on your stupid family outing." Everybody starts bickering again, unaware that Baba Yaga is watching them until she walks up to them and straight-up saying that she's going to curse them. The family doesn't do what you probably should do if an old lady walks up to you and declares she's gonna put a curse on you and run away screaming (I mean, I know they don't believe she's a witch, just a crazy old lady, but you should probably still make a run for it).

"I put a spell on you...
And now you're mine!"

"I really think we're witnessing actual magic!" Max says, but Fay dubs this impossible just before Baba Yaga demonstrates it's not impossible by transforming them into the monsters they're dressed as. So now Max is an actual werewolf who doesn't look anything like his human self, Fay is an actual mummy, Emma is an actual vampire, and Frank is an actual Frankenstein's Monster... who farts. Ha ha ha ha ha that's not funny.

Ugh...

Baba Yaga explains that the spell would only work on Emma if she was unhappy - she didn't intend to curse the others, but if EVERYONE was transformed, then they all must've been unhappy too. Then she teleports away to the fire escape of a building and tries to teleport back to Transylvania, but her amulet isn't working, allowing Emma to pursue her and threaten to kill her... with a cheery smile on her face despite how angry she sounds. One unfunny chase scene later, Baba Yaga explains that the amulet needs to recharge in a place with "great spiritual energy". "Great! We'll come with you and you can transform us back!" Emma claims, but Baba Yaga is all "No way!" and teleports into a sewer.

Then we get - you'll never believe this - ANOTHER FART JOKE involving Frank. Because it was soooooooooo funny the first three times, wasn't it? Meanwhile, Max takes advantage of his being a werewolf now to scare the bully from before. Is it weird that I'm wondering why Max doesn't need his glasses in werewolf form? Are werewolves known for having great eyesight?

Apparently, WOLVES have excellent eyesight, so werewolves probably do as well...
still a bit of a headscratcher, though.

Fay heads to Jayden's house, which doesn't seem like a particularly good idea now that she's, y'know, a MONSTER. Indeed, when Jayden sees her he's terrified, then assumes that she's just wearing a costume and says that it's not the look his band wants for the music video he previously invited Fay to participate in. When Fay tells him that she's an actual mummy now and that her family was cursed by a witch, he thinks that she's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs until he feels how moldy she is. So now he's disgusted by her. Ah, teenage romance... it's such an emotional rollercoaster, isn't it?

I bet Fruity Yummy Mummy never has this problem.

Frank, Emma, Max, and Fay head back to their house, where Fay once again blames Emma for the mess that they're in - after all, she's the one who made them wear those stupid costumes. Emma assures her that she'll find the witch and get her to undo the spell. Baba Yaga mentioned going to somewhere called "Oculus Londra", which according to Max means "London Eye". In other words, this:

"I've read at school that the London Eye is built on an ancient magical site," Max says. "The witch must be going there to recharge her powers!" So in other words, the Wishbones are going to London!

This reboot of The Munsters is a lot stranger than the original.

They call up Cheyenne and ask her to drive them to the airport the next morning - which is wise, because she's too stoned to be freaked out about the Wishbones now being monsters. Take a look at the inside of her van, by the way. I think even Janice from The Muppets would think this is too much:

Seriously, who puts a disco ball in the back of their van?

If you care where Baba Yaga is, she's currently trying to teleport back to Transylvania but keeps winding up in other places because her amulet's on the fritz. First she teleports herself to New York City, where nothing funny happens. Then she teleports herself to the top of a rocket ship about to take off, which is slightly funnier but still not a laugh riot.

The family gets to the airport in the 1960s Acid Trip-Mobile, but before they get out Max and Fay remind Emma that she's a vampire, which might make the sunlight a problem. Fortunately, there are legends that say vampires with souls might be fine with the sun... legends that turn out to be accurate, as Emma discovers. Oh, and there's another fart joke. Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck. Of course they have some problem with the lady at the ticket counter, but just as she's calling up security, Fay hypnotizes her... do all mummies have that power? Isn't it VAMPIRES who have the ability to put people in trances? I dunno, I'm not a mummy expert.

And since she now knows she has the ability to hypnotize people, what does Fay do? Hypnotize some girls who make fun of her into thinking that they're monkeys. Because as we all know, monkeys are automatically hilarious. That was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.

Aboard the plane, Emma's vampire instincts start to kick in. She vants to suck some blood!

You'd think she would've picked someone with a longer neck than that...

Before she can do some blood-sucking, everyone except her freezes. Guess who else is on the plane? Why, none other than Dracula, who introduces himself to her and explains that drinking the blood of humans is so messy and considered quite common these days. He's all "Come with me to my castle!" and she's all "No, I have a family!", but then he's all "Would you rather stay here and give in to your vampire instincts by sucking peoples' blood?", which makes her agree to come with him. But how are they going to get to Transylvania? Answer: by SKYDIVING! Sort of. Dracula has rocket-booster shoes, which seems kind of redundant considering that vampires can fly.

Apparently, this Dracula is a Marvel superhero.

Dracula takes Emma to his spacecraft/plane thing just as everyone else on the plane unfreezes. He gives her a pill that satisfies her blood cravings and then makes his move on her, promising to take her to the most romantic places - even the moon! Emma is very tempted, but she still insists on getting back to her family. Dracula, of course, isn't good with rejection.

Uh, does she not know that vampires can fly?

She lands in the river Thames - and wouldn't you know it, the other Wishbones and Cheyenne have arrived in London already. She explains that she was basically kidnapped and then wined and dined by Dracula... who, by the way, just ordered his butler to prepare for "Operation: Ice Age". Oh no, is he going to greenlight a SEVENTH film?

Dracula plans to eliminate all life on Earth. "If I can't have love, no one can!" he declares. And he has something particularly nasty planned for Baba Yaga if she doesn't destroy the Wishbones immediately. Speaking of Baba Yaga, she finally makes it to London just as the Wishbones have jumped aboard the London Eye. After she charges her amulet, Emma demands that she undo the spell, but she's all "No way!" and teleports them all to Egypt. But she still has Cheyenne to deal with...

On the bright side, Fay should be right at home here.

After battling Baba Yaga a little, Cheyenne winds up saving her life, resulting in her doing a Heel-Face Turn. Alas, she can't turn the Wishbones back to normal - only THEY can do it themselves. "Only when happy they are, human they will become again," she explains. They'd better hurry up on that, because Dracula is explaining to his butler HOW he plans to eliminate all life on Earth. You see, he's got a snowflake that he engineered into some sort of weapon that can instantly freeze fire. With millions of those snowflakes, he shall destroy the sun, plunging the Earth into a new ice age (and resulting in sundials becoming useless!).

As for the Wishbones, they traverse the desert long into the night, briefly coming across a typical cartoon mirage. Fay complains about how the situation is all Emma's fault, to which Emma yells, "Why can't I have a daughter who is NICE, who DOESN'T beat up her brother, who DOESN'T flunk school and who DOESN'T make me feel like an actual monster?!" This hurts Fay's feelings, and she storms off to... I dunno, meet a nice teenage mummy boy or something. After waiting for Fay to come back, Max randomly decides that he's through with the family too and also walks away, dubbing himself a "lone wolf". Then Emma gets mad at Frank for whatever reason and orders him to go away. Y'know, this whole mess could've been avoided if the family had gotten some therapy...

"Renfield, where's the remote? I want to watch Abbott Elementary."

But what's this? Dracula is watching Emma, and he believes that he's just been given a second chance. He tells Renfield to pause "Operation: Ice Age" and heads out to find her. And it seems that he's not the only one who might be tying the knot - Fay runs into a cute pharaoh boy named Imhotep (Daniel Ben-Zenou).

You know, this guy actually makes for a great teaser for my next review.

Max meets someone, too... a camel who tries to eat his hair. He scares it off, though.

"Hey, guess what day it is!"

"If you say 'HUMP DAY', I'm gonna tear you limb from limb!"

"Whoa, take it easy..."

And Frank comes across some models who are stranded in the desert. Great, everybody's getting hitched! Emma gets Dracula, Fay gets Imhotep, Frank gets the models, and Max can... well, I guess he'll wind up marrying a camel or something.

Dracula finds Emma, gives her another pill just as she's about to suck some poor tourist's blood, and takes her back to her castle. Max reaches civilization - specifically, what appears to be the Luxor. Fay is really liking the company of Imhotep... until he reveals that he wants to conquer the world. And Frank, well...

Girls have a thing for green guys, I guess.

Emma decides to accept Dracula's invitation to be married, but then she remembers all the good times with her family and starts to have second thoughts. As for Fay, she runs back into Frank and realizes that looks don't matter and blah-blah-blah. Max shows up to try and save Fay from Imhotep, who promptly turns into a giant scarab beetle... who Frank promptly beats the crap out of a la the Hulk beating up Loki in The Avengers. I guess because Frank's Frankenstein Monster form kind of looks like the Hulk they felt the need to make a reference to the character SOMEWHERE...

"I hate to be FRANK, but you really BUG me!"

"Ugh, who writes your material?"

Cheyenne and Baba Yaga arrive in Dracula's castle and find Emma, allowing them to explain to her that Dracula forced Baba Yaga to curse her and her family. "Monster he is, who will stop at nothing to get what he desires," Baba Yaga says. Then Baba Yaga teleports Frank and the kids to Dracula's castle too. Everyone's happy... so does that mean they're gonna turn back to normal now?

Well, before they can, Renfield shows up and tells Emma that if she doesn't marry Dracula, he'll destroy the world by extinguishing the sun. So unless they can somehow make a clone of Emma, they'll have to foil Dracula's plan. Renfield says that Dracula is in some sort of bath that prevents him from aging - and when he's in the bath, he's helpless. Max gets an idea...

They go into the kitchen, where Max explains that they'll whip up some holy water (I'd say "Why not just feed him some garlic?", but this is Dracula's castle so chances are there isn't any garlic in the kitchen). But where will they find the sacred balm needed to make holy water? Easy - Fay's bandages are seeped in a sacred embalming fluid. Good thing Fay happened to be dressed as a mummy when they were cursed and not, say, the Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Time to kick some vampire hiney!

They barge in while Dracula is taking a bath, but d'oh, he can sense that they have holy water and he shoots a pill into Emma's mouth before she can pour it into his bathwater. "For every antidote, there is an anti-antidote," he says - the pill makes Emma crave human blood again, and she promptly pounces on Frank. But Dracula's anti-antidote is no match for the power of love, and she snaps out of it and kisses Frank instead.

Dracula's weaknesses: holy water, garlic, a wooden stake in the heart, and the power of
love.

Dracula freezes them all and chains the Wishbones and Cheyenne up, telling them when they come to that the "ice sphere" is expanding and soon will be ready for launch. He also imprisoned Baba Yaga and Renfield. On the bright side, the Wishbones are a happy family now, and you know what THAT means...

Yep, curse lifted. Suck it, Dracula. And by "it", I don't mean somebody's blood.

Since Frank isn't a Frankenstein's Monster clone anymore, his foot slips out of the chain, and the bats free the others from THEIR chains. They all confront Dracula and the bats bite his fingers, which causes them to swell, so he can't just snap his fingers and freeze them all at will. But he can still turn into, um, this thing...

And now it's time for a rousing game of "What does this character design look like the most"? Here are your choices:

- The Easter Bunny from Rise of the Guardians!
- A much less creepy version of the bat thing Rothbart turned into in The Swan Princess!
- The live action remake version of the Beast from Beauty and the Beast!
- A gorilla with bunny ears!
- Somebody's Sonic the Hedgehog OC!
- A weird fusion of the Missing Link from Monsters vs. Aliens and the bad guy from Hotel Transylvania 2!
- A rejected Wuzzle!
- Kangaroo Jack after drinking the Grimace Shake!
- A monster designed for a horror movie, but was promptly thrown out when the filmmakers realized how stupid it looked!
- Something else (please leave your suggestions in the comments section below)!

He's not even a GIGANTIC bat! He's just human-sized! Which, actually, WOULD be considered a gigantic bat, but you know what I mean.

Well, anyhow, Batty here effortlessly beats the Wishbones, but is defeated when the Wishbones open the curtains and lets the sunshine in. While he's writhing in agony from the sunlight, Emma uses the super-powerful snowflake to freeze him like an ice pop.

"BLEH! I WAS FROZEN TODAY!"

This little adventure has given Frank the courage to stand up to his boss. Max's bully has turned over a new leaf and befriended him. Fay hooks up with Jayden. And of course we get a Dance Party Ending. Oh, and in case you're wondering, don't worry, Baba Yaga and Renfield got out.

The end.

What's the Verdict?

Monster Family came so close to being good, or at least okay, but to be honest, it's another movie I'm just gonna have to put in the mediocre category. It does have a couple things going for it - for one thing, the film has genuine heart, which I wasn't expecting since it looks like such a blatant Hotel Transylvania cash-grab. The animation is good, with the exception of the lip-syncing which is frequently off. The voice actors all do a decent job. I particularly liked Jason Isaac and Ethan Rouse's performances.

But there really isn't anything here we haven't seen in other, better movies. The family feels a bit too dysfunctional much of the time. And most of the jokes are not funny. Seriously, when your main running gag is a fart joke, you're doing something wrong. So I wouldn't recommend watching Monster Family unless you really, really like stuff about monsters. It's certainly not the worst animated movie I've ever seen, but you're better off watching the first two Hotel Transylvania movies instead.

Say, wasn't there a Simpsons episode with a very similar premise? Witch turning everyone into their Halloween costumes? I'm not saying the film plagiarized that episode, it's just an interesting observation.