Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Replacements"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Do you remember that episode of Class of 3000 I reviewed? The one where the kids have their teachers replaced with unqualified celebrities? Well, I have another question for you - what if there was an entire SHOW based on the idea of replacing people with unqualified celebrities? Actually, there IS. And it's called The Replacements!

Created by children's book illustrator Dan Santat, this show focuses on two siblings, the eleven-year-old Todd (voiced by Nancy Cartwright) and the thirteen-year-old Riley (voiced by Grey DeLisle-Griffin). While cleaning the floors of the orphanage where they lived, they found a comic book with an ad for a corporation called Fleemco and their "replacement service". They mail the ad back and get two new parents, a British secret agent named Agent K (Kath Souice) and a dimwitted daredevil named Dick Daring (Daran Norris). They also get Fleemco cell phones that allow them to call up the company's CEO, Conrad Fleem (Jeff Bennett), and request for whatever person or animal they don't like to be replaced with someone cooler. This usually leads to WHACKY SHENANIGANS and the kids learning a valuable lesson about appreciating what you already have or whatever. I wish I had a Fleemco phone, I would use it to replace Donald Trump with somebody who would actually do a good job of running this country.

The Replacements premiered on Disney Channel in July 2006. Two seasons were produced, the first one having twenty-one episodes and the second one having thirty-two, making for a total of fifty-two (though all but two of the first season's episodes consisted of two shorts, so technically it's actually seventy-one in all if my math is correct). I remember hearing about the show when it was on (mostly, I saw ads and comics based on it in Disney Adventures magazine), but I never actually watched it. Now that I think of it, I didn't really watch much of Disney Channel's cartoons - not the stuff they were airing as part of their Playhouse Disney block, the other cartoons - AT ALL during this time period. I remember watching Lilo and Stitch: The Series, The Emperor's New School, and at least one episode of The Buzz on Maggie... oh, and Phineas and Ferb, of course... but aside from that? I think I mostly watched Toon Disney as opposed to Disney Channel during the 2000s. I knew about Kim Possible, The Proud Family, Dave the Barbarian etc., but I don't think I ever watched a single episode of them until long after they were off the air. I wonder why that is. Nonetheless, the show seems pretty well-liked online. According to TV Tropes, the second season is better than the first, but the second season isn't on Disney Plus whereas the first season is (I have no idea why that is), so I'm going to review an episode of the first season. Why don't we watch the twenty-first episode of the show, which consists of the segments "Clue-Less" and "Conrad's Day Off"?

"Clue-Less" begins with Riley setting up for her mystery dinner party. Todd is miffed that he wasn't invited, Riley's justification being that they're going to use "logic and reasoning and other big words [he] wouldn't understand", but he's got better things to do with his time anyway - like hanging out with his new Robo-Cat, named the year's Most Obnoxious Toy by three different magazines. This episode aired in 2007, which means that the Robo-Cat managed to beat out such toys as the Elmo Giggle and Shake Chair (it was a chair with Elmo's face on it that giggled. Not sure where the appeal is in that) and Floam (remember that stuff? It looked so fun in the ads but was disgusting when you actually put your hands in it!).

It can do everything a real cat does... except eat your lasagna, since it's a robot and
doesn't have a digestive tract.

Just then, it starts to rain, even though the weather forecast yesterday called for a sunny day. The reason? Todd apparently replaced the TV weatherman with a Jerry Seinfeld parody. Don't judge him.

Then the doorbell rings, and Dick opens the door and lets everybody in. First to enter are Riley's friend Abbey Wilson (Erica Hubbard) and Todd's best pal Jacobo Jacobo (Candi Milo), then the Japanese-American Robocop cosplayer Tasumi (Lauren Tom) and Todd's nemesis Buzz Winters (also Grey DeLisle-Griffin). They're all playing characters with names based on the characters in Clue. Because that's what this episode is a parody of. The board game, not the 1985 movie.

Dang it, Dick, don't you know that it's a bad idea to put a watermelon in front of
somebody holding a mallet? You're just ASKING for it to get smashed.

Even though all the invited guests have arrived, the doorbell rings again, and when Dick answers it, who should be at the door but... an alien?

Nope, it's not an alien. It's Shelton (Jeff Bennett doing a Jerry Lewis impression), the character whose entire shtick is that they're a gigantic nerd. Remember, this was made in the 2000s, when everyone thought it was okay to make fun of nerds. It's the same mindset that gave us The Big Bang Theory.

Even My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic made fun of nerds in one episode.

The dinner party gets started, but before Riley can tell anyone what heinous crime that someone in the room committed, the robot cat zips into the room and starts wreaking havoc. Todd can't shut it off because it's stuck on the highest level of obnoxiousness, as seen here:

You'd think the highest level of obnoxiousness would be "Chris Rock" or "People Who
Hate Hanna-Barbera But Consider Jellystone To Be The Funniest Thing Ever". I'd take a
game show host over either of them any day.

While the robot cat is running amok, the lights go out. Riley gets a lantern, revealing that someone took advantage of the power outage (that's why the lights went out, right? It's raining, after all) to smash the robot cat to pieces! Horror of horrors!

Tell me, do YOU know who done it? I was gonna say I think it was Buzz, since he has a mallet and is Todd's nemesis, but then I realized he was too obvious of a suspect. The writers of this show probably have a lot more respect for our intelligence than THAT.

Don't worry, robot cats have nine lives.

Todd sobs over the smashed remains of his robot cat, and then Jacobo enters the room and asks what's going on... okay, I think it's pretty safe to say that HE'S the culprit. If somebody apparently wasn't in the room when the heinous crime was committed, they're usually the one who did it.

Riley is annoyed that her dinner party has been hijacked by Todd's toy getting destroyed, but considering that HER idea of an engaging mystery was somebody stealing a hanky, I'd say this is for the best. Everybody starts arguing over who did it. Todd says that it must be Buzz, but Jacobo urges them not to jump to conclusions. Taking out a magnifying glass, he finds out that the robot cat wasn't smashed by a mallet, but rather STEPPED ON.

Okay, I don't know much about robotics, but I'm pretty sure that robotic toys are pretty sturdy. Simply stepping on one would likely not destroy it. Even if the person who stepped on it was wearing size six shoes.

"Riley, why do we all have to do the Hokey Pokey?"
"Hey, it's MY dinner party..."

After inspecting everyone's shoes, Riley discovers that the only one NOT wearing a size six shoe is Buzz (he has dainty feet) - ergo, he couldn't have been the smasher. Called it.

Now, who had a motive for destroying the robot cat? When everyone arrives, Tasumi recoiled at the sight of it and told it to stay away from her, so clearly it must have been HER, right? Nope, the exoskeleton of Tasumi's Robocop getup and the exoskeleton of the robot cat have the same magnetic polarizations, ergo they repel each other. She explains this to everyone in her stereotypical fake Japanese accent. I know this was the 2000s, but I can't help but find it problematic that the show cast Lauren Tom, who is Chinese-American, as a Japanese character, the mindset apparently being "Well, Chinese and Japanese are both Asian, so it's all the same thing, right?". Was the actually Japanese-American voice actress Janice Kawaye too busy or something?

Come to think of it, is it also problematic to have the Asian character dressed up
like a Power Ranger?

Dick shows up with a pizza, and Jacobo suggests that maybe HE did it. After all, the butler always does it in mystery novels. Then Riley points out that he couldn't have done it because he was out getting pizza. Then Buzz and Tasumi decide that it must have been Jacobo, who left the room to get a screwdriver yet came back without one. This is the cue for Agent K to appear - she was in the garage trying out her new video spyglasses, and she saw Jacobo enter the garage and do... um, this...

Jacobo has some weird hobbies...

After whatever that was, Riley says that it couldn't have been Shelton either because he's a wimp (he can't even smash an egg, let alone a robot cat!), so clearly it must have been Abbey. Before the lights went out, the robot cat spilled grape juice on her dress, so clearly she must have smashed it in revenge. But Abbey insists that if she wanted to get back at someone, she wouldn't commit robocide, she'd just make fun of them behind their backs.

That only leaves one suspect: Riley. And oh look, Jacobo just found a single strand of red hair in the robot cat's smashed remains...

Isn't it kind of funny that what we call "red hair" is actually orange?

Why did Riley supposedly do it? Because she'd been planning her stupid mystery dinner party for weeks, and when the robot cat stole her thunder, she got MAD! So, when the power went out, she seized the opportunity to smash the robot cat with her size six shoes, and then spent the night grilling them to cover up her crime. The others start beating the crap out of her... wait, so Shelton's too wimpy to smash an egg but he can help deliver a beatdown to somebody? Odd... tie her up, and hoist her over their heads, presumably with plans to throw her into a volcano. Assuming they can find a volcano nearby, of course.

But then Todd reveals that Riley didn't do it, HE did. He used a screwdriver to set the robot cat to its highest annoyance setting, then left the room claiming that he'd get the manual only to shut off the power, run back in, smash the robot cat, and sneak back out before Riley lit her lantern. Why? Because he was mad at Riley for claiming that a mystery dinner party is "not [his] thing". Congratulations, Todd, you destroyed your own toy just to prove a point to your annoying big sister.

Of course, this backfires on Todd spectacularly. Riley praises him for proving her wrong and then suggests that the turn off the lights and smash ANOTHER one of his toys. To Todd's dismay, everyone is on board with that. Next segment...

So how does "Conrad's Day Off" begin? Todd calls up Conrad to complain that his math homework is dull and boring, he needs a math teacher who can make math FUN. In that case, what Todd needs is for the characters from Schoolhouse Rock to show up in his house. Now THAT show made math fun!

"Let me just pick someone from my Wall of Cartoon Stereotypes... how about the
opera singer? I'm sure SHE knows a lot about algebra..."

Thus, Todd's math teacher winds up being visited by a Discount Zapp Brannigan who's traveling to the center of the earth. He is accompanied by a highly attractive assistant and... a monkey. Presumably, the monkey is only there because, as we've established, the animation industry is convinced that monkeys are the funniest thing ever. They are not.

And why would somebody who's traveling to the center of the earth even NEED a monkey?
Wouldn't an animal that's known for digging tunnels very well, like a mole, make more sense?

The math teacher heads off with them to journey to the center of the earth and stop the earth's core from overheating ("It's a statistically impossible dream come true!" he says) and Todd's math class is now being taught by a rodeo clown - complete with a bull to chase him around the classroom. I sure hope none of the students in that class are afraid of clowns like I am. Now Todd is learning about fractions! Somehow.

Todd is very happy, but Conrad admits that he's been on call 24/7 since he gave Todd and Riley their phones. So he decides to take the next two days off. Which means no replacements for the next forty-eight hours. As for the rodeo clown, the bull chases him into the hallway, then starts chasing after Riley, who runs right into her teacher, Mr. Vanderbosh (Rob Paulsen)... which causes him to split his pants? Riley must be very strong if her just running into somebody's backside creates a hole in their trousers.

No student should have to see their principal's underwear.




I just realized that sounds much creepier than I intended for it to.

Mr. Vanderbosh promptly gives Riley a "double-detention" for running in the halls and then going "But... but... but..." (which he assumes is her making fun of his underwear being revealed to the world). Since she doesn't know that Conrad is taking time off, she considers calling FleemCo to replace her teacher with a leprechaun or something, but eventually decides that it's the coward's way out and that they can't rely on Conrad to solve all of their problems.

Riley heads down the stairs to the detention room, and as soon as she does, Jacobo shows up to tell Todd about the horrors of double-detention: deep within the earth's crust where the sun's rays have never reached lies a pit of despair and the people either evolved from frogs or eat them. Todd decides that he must help Riley... and then remembers that Riley has always been a total wet blanket who never supports him and decides against it. So what if she has to travel the River Styx?

I think I was only ever in detention once. It did not involve me going below the earth's crust.

So what is detention like? As it turns out, students who get detention are forced to do the school's laundry. That's right, apparently this school participates in child labor. I believe that's frowned upon. And Riley can't even tell the principal because he's in on it, forcing Buzz to make "My Child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers. As for Riley, she's on furnace duty and must spend her double-detention shoveling coal.

Suddenly relying on Conrad to solve all your problems doesn't seem so bad anymore,
does it, Riley?

"Mr. Vanderbosh, I'm not serving double-detention!" Riley says. "Because... this is unfair! And YOU'RE unfair! Your glasses that match your shoes AREN'T AS HIP AS YOU THINK THEY ARE!" But does Mr. Vanderbosh listen? Nope. He tells Riley that now she has triple-detention, which means she's going to be locked in a cage and forced to act like a hamster. No, really. What kind of school IS this?

I think even the teachers at Wayside would be weirded-out by this...

Not wanting to be treated like a literal guinea pig, Riley dives into a laundry basket and calls up FleemCo... only to wind up listening to an answering machine. Looks like she's stuck in detention... or IS she? Mr. Vanderbosh suddenly gets a call from Todd, who tells him that he's won a sweepstakes and that he must leave detention to claim his prize. When Mr. Vanderbosh says that he's never entered a sweepstakes in his life, Todd says that actually, he won a cruise around the world, to which Mr. Vanderbosh reveals that he's not a big fan of cruises. But he DOES decide to take the week off from his teaching job to track this mysterious prank caller down. Mission accomplished, I guess?

After Mr. Vanderbosh leaves, Todd arrives at the detention room in disguise (he's standing on Jacobo's shoulders and wearing a trenchcoat), only for Mr. Vanderbosh to show up again. Todd admits to him that it's his fault she got detention (kind of - Conrad didn't HAVE to send the bull with the rodeo clown, did he?) and tells Mr. Vanderbosh to let her go. Mr. Vanderbosh refuses on the grounds that Riley insulted his shoes and glasses, which Todd and Jacobo do as well, resulting in all three of them - and the bull - getting QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

And how will they be serving their QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION? By GRADING HIS POP QUIZZES!

None of this would have happened if Conrad had just sent the cast of Schoolhouse Rock
to replace Todd's math teacher like I suggested...

During the credits, Tashumi gives a lecture about composure. Which means we have to listen to her stereotypical fake Japanese accent again. I still find it problematic.

What's the Verdict?

The Replacements is a mixed bag. I didn't care much for "Clue-less", but I thought "Conrad's Day Off" was better. It was a lot funnier. I think the main problem with the show, or at least this episode, is that the really interesting characters - Dick and Agent K - aren't given much to do. Instead we have to focus on Todd and Riley, who aren't as engaging, but I stomach them fine. Their friends are just obnoxious stereotypes, particularly Tashumi (Lauren Tom is a great actress, but this is not one of her better roles). Still, the animation is fine, the voice actors all do a pretty good job with what they're given, and there isn't anything straight-up AWFUL about the show. Will I be watching more episodes of it? I'm not sure. Maybe. Like I said, this show apparently gets better in the second season. For now, I'm giving it three and a half stars out of five.

Fun fact: apparently, Will Arnett was originally cast as the voice of Dick (the showrunners were also hoping to get his then-wife Amy Poehler to voice Agent K, but she turned them down). When the show got picked up, Will became too busy, and they replaced him with Bryan Cranston, who in turn was for some reason replaced by Daran Norris. In hindsight, maybe it was for the best... seems kind of pointless to cast a celebrity as Dick when he's basically a supporting character.

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