Let's Watch This: An Episode (Or Two) of "Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys"

Yes, this is ANOTHER show about monkeys in space. Before Rocket Monkeys and Space Chimps, there was a little cartoon called Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys.

This show was produced by Hallmark Entertainment and Monkeyshine Productions, Inc., airing in syndication as part of Bohbot Entertainment's Amazin' Adventures animation block. You might recognize the creator, Gordon Bressack, from his work on Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. It premiered in 1996 - on August 16th in the United Kingdom and on September 7th in the United States - and received one season of twenty-six episodes.

So what exactly is the show's plot? Well, during the 1960s, when people were sending primates into outer space, one rocket with a chimpanzee in it veered off-course and wound up being discovered by the most intelligent race in the entire universe, a race of aliens so advanced that their name is unpronouncable, so everybody just calls them the "     ". They gave the chimpanzee enhanced intelligence, weapons, fancy sci-fi technology, and the name of Captain Charles "Chuck" Simian (voiced by Jerry Doyle) - and the mission of protecting the universe from the evil Lord Nebula (voiced by Michael Dorn), a half-human/half-black hole who wants to swallow the universe in a "Big Crunch" and then remake it in his own image. Charles is aided by a group of primates... as in, not just monkeys, so the show's title being Captain Simian and the Space MONKEYS is a bit of an oddity, but that's just a nitpick. There's...

- Spydor (Dom Irrera), a wisecracking spider monkey with a habit of picking pockets and thinking up get-rich-quick schemes.

- Shao Lin (Karen Maruyama), a golden snub-nosed monkey and the only female member of the team, skilled in martial arts and full of Buddhist wisdom.

- Gor-illa (James Avery), a creatively named gorilla with the strength of... well, a gorilla but is nonetheless very gentle and naive.

- And Dr. Splitz/Splitzy (Maurice LaMarche), an orangutan with a split personality. Dr. Splitz is a scientific genius, Splitzy is a yokel mechanic.

Here's the TL,DR version of what I just typed: it's basically Star Trek meets Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except with simians instead of reptiles.

I feel like this is one of those shows where the first episode you watch has to be the pilot - otherwise, there's a very good chance that you'll have absolutely no idea what's going on. And wouldn't you know it? The pilot episode is a two-parter. And I'm not just going to review one part of a two-parter, that would be incredibly stupid. And hey, it wouldn't be the first time I reviewed two episodes of a show in one review on my blog, so we're watching the first episode (or the first two episodes if you consider the two parts separate episodes) of Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys: "Yes, We Have No Bananas" and "Yes, We Still Have No Bananas".

The episode starts off with somebody in a spaceship trying to fly away from... this.

Seriously, what IS that? Some sort of offbrand Starship Enterprise?

Wouldn't you know it, I review the first episode and I STILL have no idea what's going on. Anyway, the whatever it is starts firing lasers at the spaceship, causing it to crash land on an alien planet. The pilot of this strange craft takes off his helmet, revealing to the audience that he's a monkey. Though considering we already heard monkey noises as the spacecraft got hit with the lasers earlier, we probably could've guessed that for ourselves.

Actually, this is Charles, the titular Captain Simian. I actually forgot that he was a chimpanzee since he looks more like a regular monkey to me. He's not out of the woods yet - Kylo Ren's backup ship is still firing lasers at him, sending him scrambling into some kind of alien forest to hide. He calls up Houston to give them - and us - some exposition: basically, everything I already told you at the beginning of this post. For those of you who need a refresher, chimp goes into space, goes off-course, found by aliens who give him super-intelligence and made him more anthropomorphic.

Here's what the "       " (all voiced by Oliver Muirhead) look like, by the way. I think I saw similar-looking creatures during the Paraphanelia Wagon sequence in Halloween is Grinch Night.

"Grinch is gonna getcha, Grinch is gonna getcha, yes indeedy fa-la-la! RAH!"

The "         " explain to Charles that he shall now be the defender of the universe. They give him a cool spaceship and dub him "Captain Simian". But if you can believe it, he initially wants to use the spaceship to go back to Earth. Dude, these mystical super-advanced aliens offered you the role of PROTECTOR OF THE UNIVERSE. I know it seems a bit daunting, but that's not an offer you can just turn down.

Is it just me, or does Charles/Captain Simian kind of look like Chris Pratt? I dunno, I think it's the hair.

Calling it now, if they ever do a reboot of the show, Chris Pratt is who they'll cast as
Captain Simian.

Next, the "          " fill Charles in as to who he'll be protecting it from: Nebula, a former "Class 2" humanoid of unparalleled evil. Apparently, that was his ship we saw shooting lasers at Charles earlier, and he wants to get his hands on something called "the anti-force"... or at least he would if he HAD hands.

If your cat hacks up something that looks like like this, I would recommend taking them to
the vet.

Helping Nebula out with his evil plan is Rhesus 2 (Malcolm McDowell), a rhesus monkey who was also sent into space and who Nebula made an intelligent cyborg. He walks around with his brain sticking out of his head, and he can even take it out and swap it for another one... that can crawl around on its own. I don't know what the most disturbing part of that sentence is.

Equally disturbing is that Nebula had a Rhesus 1 before Rhesus 2... and their remains are still splattered on the floor nearby, a puddle of blood, bones, brains and eyeballs. Thanks for the Nightmare Fuel, Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys!

The "             " provide Captain Simian with a glowing orb called the Orbitron (Jeff Bennett) to aid him in his quest, then head off to the tenth dimension. The Orbitron explains that it is capable of more than four thousand functions - none of those functions, of course, being just zapping Nebula and blowing him to smithereens. After all, it wouldn't be much of a cartoon if the main villain got defeated in the first episode.

"No, I do not have Glinda the Good Witch riding around inside me!"

The Orbitron then points out that Captain Simian will need a crew, so he'll scan his mind and provide some candidates for him to choose. "All I know are earth and monkeys," Captain Simian tells it. "And I need them in less than eight minutes." This is because Nebula and Rhesus 2 are in the process of destroying the force field that protects the planet they are currently on. To get the candidates there, the Orbitron has a wormhole that leads directly to Earth. How convenient.

Whoa, Captain Simian. Take a few steps back, we don't need to see every pore on your
face. Also, nice cheekbones.

Candidate #1 is a spider monkey, the aforementioned Spydor, who lives in New York City. Specifically, he's one of those cartoon monkeys that dances around in a vest and fez while somebody plays an organ grinder. Is this still a thing? I don't think I've ever seen somebody playing an organ grinder while a monkey dances in real life. Heck, is it even legal for somebody to have a pet monkey nowadays?

"If you don't keep dancin', my ORGAN grinder is gonna be a MONKEY grinder!"

The spider monkey is beamed up by the Orbitron, who then shows Captain Simian the next candidate - Shao Lin, who lives in Tibet and is considered a goddess. This is where things get confusing - Spydor is a non-anthropomorphic monkey, and Charles needed to be turned anthropomorphic by the "           ". But Shao Lin already looks pretty anthropomorphic to me. Why is there an anthropomorphic monkey in the same world as non-anthropomorphic monkeys?

We see her standing alongside humans - she's very tall. I'm pretty sure golden snub-nosed
monkeys aren't that tall!

Candidate #3? An orangutan, Splitzy, who lives in a zoo and is being mocked by a kid who thinks it's funny to spray soda at animals locked in cages. The kid also doesn't know much about animal biology, because he keeps calling Splitzy a monkey. Orangutans, as we all know, are APES, not monkeys. They don't have tails. They're also stronger than humans, so that kid better hope Splitzy doesn't escape and attack him.

Okay, Captain Simian specifically said he needed MONKEYS. Why is the Orbitron showing
him an ape?

And finally, we see Candidate #4, a mountain gorilla who tries to scare off some poachers by channeling King Kong, but is initially unsuccessful... until the poachers threaten his little brother.

I can't think of anything funny to say about this screencap, so here's a gorilla joke: what do you
get when you cross Magilla Gorilla with Harry Houdini? An esc-ape artist. Ba-dum kssssssssh.

The gorilla is beamed up as well, leaving the poachers at the mercy of hungry lions. Once each of the candidates has been beamed up, Captain Simian and the Orbitron give them an intelligence boost and the ability to talk. The first thing each of them says is that they want a banana - 'cause they're primates, get it? If they were elephants, they'd be asking for peanuts. Captain Simian tells them that there are no bananas in space and that the fate of the universe is in their hands. Spydor compares Shao Lin to Princess Leia, demonstrating that he's the smart-mouthed comic relief of the team.

So how long until one of them makes a joke about flinging their waste at people?

After the Orbitron fills them in off-camera as to what's going on, Rhesus 2 shows up to end Part 1 on a cliffhanger. On to Part 2... but first, a word from our sponsor!

Oh, wait. This blog doesn't HAVE a sponsor. Never mind, then...

After Captain Simian recaps the first part for us, Rhesus 2 starts firing lasers at the Space Monkeys, but then decides to make them an offer. If they give him the anti-force, he'll only destroy their bodies. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste," he says, just before his brain launches out of his head and attacks Captain Simian. Rhesus 2, when people say to "use your brain", I don't think that's quite what they meant...

And by the way, nobody wants to see your exposed brain. Could you borrow a helmet from
Mojo Jojo or something?

Then some robots emerge from Rhesus 2's ship to fight the Space Monkeys, who promptly make scrap metal out of them. Rhesus 2 attempts to take Shao Lin hostage, because of course it's the girl who he's trying to take hostage. But you do recall that I said Shao Lin is skilled in martial arts earlier, don't you?

"I'm just going to assume that because you're a girl, you're totally helpless and I can hold
you hostage no problem!"

Yep, Shao Lin goes Kung Fu Panda on his robotic tush. Rhesus 2 scampers back to his ship, claiming that Nebula WILL get the anti-force, and he WILL use it to destroy everything so THERE. The Orbitron suggests that they all head to THEIR ship and get off the planet before Nebula continues his attack on it. So they all do that, although Shao Lin needs some convincing because she thinks that, as a goddess, she shouldn't have to take orders from Captain Simian.

Once the ship takes off, they have themselves a little dogfight with Rhesus 2, and then the Orbitron says that he knows how they can defeat him... that is, if Captain Simian asks politely. Before there can be any polite-asking, Gor-illa accidentally smushes it. But they still manage to get Rhesus 2 off their tail... only for another laser to take their ship out, sending them to another planet. Nebula shows up and demands that they give him the anti-force. He didn't ask politely? The Orbitron would not approve.

A great way to tick Nebula off is by bringing up that Disney movie called The Black Hole - and,
specifically, how it was a box office bomb.

Captain Simian is all "We're not giving you the anti-force!" and then Nebula is all "I'll get the anti-force somehow, and then the universe shall be MINE!" and then leaves. So what's Captain Simian's plan now? They're gonna get the wormhole working again and go back to Earth. Okay, let's see where he's going with this...

As Dr. Splitz/Splitzy tries to fix the wormhole-making machine, he figures out that it causes space-time displacement at whatever coordinates are programmed. So this must be the anti-force. Hopefully Nebula doesn't know that. Once the wormhole is working again, they all go through it... except Captain Simian, who tells Shao Lin that he can't go back to Earth with Nebula running amok. He even makes a Casablanca reference. Because, hey, it exists, right?

Captain Simian's new plan is to fly the anti-force into the nearest sun before Nebula can get ahold of it. He takes off in a rocket, Nebula's ship starts firing lasers at him, and... yeah, this is where we came in. So is Captain Simian doomed? Nope - guess what emerges from a wormhole?

Now available at your local Toys 'R' Us!




Provided you live in 1996, that is.

Inside the ship are Shao Lin, Dr. Splitz/Splitzy, Gor-illa, and Spydor, who pick up Captain Simian and show him that they made a few adjustments to make the ship more simian-friendly - specifically, they filled it with plant life. Apparently, by leaving the wormhole open, they were allowed two-way travel and the four (or five, if you count Splitzy as a separate character) got lost in time and space. But that did allow them to relive the 1970s.

"Sorry, Spydor, but I don't think those new uniforms are gonna work for us."

The Orbitron is fixed now, too - and it likes to imitate Steve Martin for some reason. And Dr. Splitz/Splitzy has a plan to get rid of Nebula's goons. A plan that involves... a disco ball?

"Here's the plan: Gor-illa, Spydor and I will distract them with our funkylicious dance moves. Then
you and Shao Lin will punch their lights out!"

As the ship flies towards the sun, it splits apart into five ships, allowing Captain Simian to be the only one risking their life - and allowing the others to take out some of the enemy ships. Captain Simian shoots the disco ball, which has the anti-force inside of it, towards the sun... only for Rhesus 2 to swoop in and snatch it up in HIS ship. Wah wah wah wah WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH...

The ship reforms back into one, and the good guys make their getaway. Nebula gobbles up the disco ball with the anti-force inside. But it absorbs HIS power, not the other way around, reducing him to just a puny pathetic human with a black hole-colored body. And then his ship explodes. The Space Monkeys' plan worked like a charm.

With the anti-force destroyed, of course, there's no more wormholes, which means they can't go back to Earth. But, Captain Simian says, they'll find a way back there someday. Unless, of course, the show gets cancelled after just twenty-six episodes.

What's the Verdict?

From the unbelievably stupid-sounding name, you'd probably expect Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys to be crap, right? Well, you'd be wrong!

This was actually quite good! The show somehow resisted the urge to rely entirely on "dur hurr monkeys are funny" to get laughs and actually took itself seriously for the most part - and the jokes it DID include are, for the most part, pretty funny. The characters were all engaging, with the villain in particular being really cool, the animation is decent, and the voice actors all do a great job. And am I the only one who gets Road Rovers vibes from it all?

So, yeah. I recommend checking this show out. You can find it on Tubi and Amazon Prime. Go in with an open mind and you might just find yourself liking it. Certainly much better than Rocket Monkeys.

By the way, yes, the show did do a Planet of the Apes parody episode. It was called "Planet of the Humans".

Let's Watch This - "Charlie Brown's All Stars!" (1966)

Considering how many Peanuts television specials there are, it's surprising that I've only reviewed one of them on this blog thus far. I mean, a good chunk of them are pretty obscure, and not all of them are all that great. For every A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, there's a Happy New Year, Charlie Brown. So why HAVEN'T I looked at more Peanuts specials? Maybe because the Rowdy Reviewer of TV Trash fame has already made a name for himself reviewing these iconic specials (and let me tell you, there are few things as satisfying as watching him call out the needlessly cruel treatment of Charlie Brown), I don't want to step on his toes.

But as a big fan of Peanuts - ironic, seeing as I'm allergic to the franchise's namesake - so I've decided to look at more TV specials starring Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and their friends. Today, I'm looking at the second ever Peanuts TV special (the first, of course, being A Charlie Brown Christmas), Charlie Brown's All Stars!.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of the story arcs in the comic strip about Charlie Brown's baseball team. Most of them are for all intents and purposes the same: Charlie Brown and his team are playing in a game of baseball, everyone on his team sucks, they lose and they all pin the blame entirely on Charlie Brown, he mopes about how he's the "goat". Ha ha? So I've never really been into the specials that focus on Charlie Brown and his friends playing baseball. Fortunately, there aren't a lot of them. But this is still considered one of the more well-liked Peanuts specials... I think. And there was always ONE thing about it that I've always loved, but I won't give it away just yet. This is Charlie Brown's All Stars.

By the way, I should mention that the Rowdy Reviewer did a review of this special himself, and while I haven't watched his review in years I do remember most of the points he made. As a result, I'll probably be bringing up many of those exact same points, but I'll try not to parrot him too much.

So, the special starts off with Charlie Brown (voiced by Peter Robbins) standing atop his pitcher's mound. He pitches the ball... and whoever it is that's up to bat hits it. You ever notice that we never see the other team in these baseball story arcs? And how come every single one of them seem to be master baseball players? Who does Charlie Brown's team play against, the Baltimore Orioles or something?

In fact, whoever it is that's up to bat is apparently such a good hitter that Charlie Brown has to run off the baseball field, through his neighborhood, and through somebody's house in an attempt to catch it. But eventually, it does indeed land in his glove...

Huzzah!

...only to fall out five seconds later, which apparently means he didn't catch it. And then the rest of his team - Lucy (Sally Dryer Baker), Snoopy (Bill Melendez), Patty (Lynn Vanderlip), Violet (Karen Mendelson), Schroeder (Glenn Mendelson), Linus (Christopher Shea), Frieda (Ann Altieri), Shermy (Gai DeFaria), and 5 - walk up to him with angry expressions and shout "YOU BLOCKHEAD, CHARLIE BROWN!".

Hey, jerks, at least he actually made the attempt to catch it. None of YOU did. I mean, while he was running after the ball, we saw Patty, Violet, and Freida playing jump rope as though they weren't in the middle of a baseball game. Where the heck was everyone else as he was trying to catch the ball?

After that, we see Charlie Brown, Linus, and Lucy discussing the baseball season that starts tomorrow. Linus has worked up a few statistics - the previous year, their opponents scored THREE THOUSAND runs to Charlie Brown's team's total of six runs, FORTY-NINE HUNDRED hits to Charlie Brown's team's eleven hits, and FOUR errors to Charlie Brown's team's three hundred and seventy-five errors. In total, Charlie Brown's team lost nine hundred and ninety-nine straight games. Okay, seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that the teams Charlie Brown and his friends play against are children of the same ages. Charlie Brown is eight, right? What eight-year-old is THAT GOOD at baseball?

Are the other kids on steroids or something? How are they such masters of baseball?

Then Lucy has the audacity to claim that it's all Charlie Brown's fault their team never wins any games. Because whenever Charlie Brown's team loses a game, everyone pins the blame on him. And the baffling thing is, the strip repeatedly attempts to validate them - it's a Running Gag that whenever Charlie Brown isn't at one of his team's baseball games, they win. And in one storyline when Linus was the pitcher instead of Charlie Brown, the team was doing much better. The indication here is that Charlie Brown is the only thing keeping his team from being more successful. There's just one small problem with that... EVERYONE ON HIS TEAM SUCKS. It's been shown multiple times that Lucy apparently becomes a massive idiot whenever she steps onto the baseball field, Snoopy falls asleep a lot, and none of the other kids are any better. Look at some of these strips:

That's six strips - SIX STRIPS - that demonstrate what horrible baseball players Lucy, Snoopy and the others are. But apparently Charlie Brown's presence is the only reason his team doesn't win more games? I call bull.

Charlie Brown even points out that night that he's got five boys, three girls (actually four), and a dog who can't throw - but every time they lose, HE gets the blame. They never let him forget the mistakes he makes. And I do mean NEVER. I think that's the motto of everyone in Peanuts: when in doubt, blame Charlie Brown.

Meh, I always liked Earl from Mutts better anyway.

The next day, it's time for the first baseball game of the season, and everyone is ALREADY talking about how Charlie Brown is supposedly the only reason they don't win any games. Charlie Brown decides to arrange a demonstration on how to avoid double plays with Linus and Snoopy, but everyone's too busy griping to care. Freida complains about how nobody in the stands can see her naturally curly hair, and Schroeder just wants to go home and play his piano. Wow, just three minutes in and already everyone except for Charlie Brown has demonstrated how despicably unlikable they are.

Also, Sally (Cathy Steinberg) just appears out of nowhere during this scene, even though she's never been on the baseball team.

Maybe she just came by to watch the game?

Pigpen (Geoffrey Ornstein) tells Charlie Brown that the other team - who, again, we never see - has shown up, which means it's time for Charlie Brown and his team to get their clock cleaned. Charlie Brown pitches the first ball of the season, and whoever's up to bat hits it clear over the backstop. Lucy blames Charlie Brown for this, as if it's Charlie Brown's fault that this kid is apparently Ty Cobb and Rogers Hornsby combined.

Charlie Brown keeps a-pitching and the other team keeps hitting home runs. Lucy manages to catch one ball completely by accident, then Snoopy gets out his supper dish and demands that Charlie Brown feed him despite how busy he is at the moment. But hey, at least he catches a ball in the supper dish. What's this? Lucy and Snoopy actually being competent at sports (sort of, since Lucy only caught the ball by accident)? Quick, check outside to see if there are any flying pigs.

Eventually, the other team hits a "high fly ball". Everyone screams for Charlie Brown to catch it as opposed to, y'know, actually making the attempt to catch it themselves. I don't see why it's all up to Charlie Brown. And of course, the ball winds up bouncing off of Charlie Brown's glove and lands on the ground AGAIN. So once again, they lose, and Charlie Brown is the goat.

Somebody else could've tried to catch the ball instead of just standing there and
threatening to kick Charlie Brown if he didn't catch it.

Somehow, the other team scored a hundred and twenty-three to nothing. As a result, Violet quits the team. Then Lucy quits too. Then Shermy, who suggests that Charlie Brown gets some sort of neuronic pleasure out of losing all the time (who is he, Sigmund Freud?). Then Snoopy.

I would like to take this moment to point out how unbelievably unlikable Snoopy was during this time period. You always see cute images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown hugging and being best pals, but during the 1960s, Snoopy was just as much of a jerk to Charlie Brown as everyone else was. Remember that scene in A Charlie Brown Christmas where he's laughing at Charlie Brown along with everybody else? Always ticks me off. In fact, Snoopy is such a jerk here that he actually encourages Charlie Brown to quit the team.

Honestly, though, if I were in Charlie Brown's position I would be HAPPY that Violet, Lucy, Shermy, and Snoopy all quit. As we've established, they suck at baseball. Now is Charlie Brown's chance to replace them with much better players. But anyway, Linus emerges from the hardware store that Charlie Brown is in front of and says that the owner, Mr. Hennessey, wants to sponsor their team. That means they'll get real uniforms and everything!

What exactly IS the name of Charlie Brown's baseball team, anyway? Is it ever mentioned
in the strip?

Linus then does a 180 and tells Charlie Brown to forget it because nobody else will want to play baseball again. So instead, he and Snoopy decide to take a dip in Linus' inflatable pool... which somehow turns into an ocean when Snoopy dives in with his surfboard.

"Everybody's gone surfin',
Surfin' USA..."

Shermy, Schroeder, Pigpen, and 5 are riding around on their skateboards. Patty, Violet, and Freida are playing jump rope again. Charlie Brown shows up to tell everyone about Mr. Hennessey wanting to sponsor their team, but Violet declares that they'll never play baseball on the same team as Charlie Brown again. Again, Charlie Brown, I say give these guys the middle finger and get some NEW players. You don't need these tools. And why does Sally look ticked off like the other kids? Again, she was never on the baseball team. Is it mob mentality or something?

Isn't it dangerous to ride a skateboard with your eyes closed?

Eventually, Charlie Brown DOES manage to tell them that Mr. Hennessey wants to sponsor the team, which means they'll play in a real league and get uniforms. All of a sudden the other kids WANT to play on his team now, even Lucy, who says that if they get the uniforms they'll give Charlie Brown another chance.

Later, Charlie Brown gets a call from Mr. Hennessey about the uniforms. But there's a catch - apparently, the higher-ups in the league will only let them have the uniforms if Charlie Brown kicks the girls and Snoopy off the team. This was the 1960s, you see, when girls and dogs playing baseball was frowned upon. "But Mr. Hennessey, they're my friends! And he's my faithful dog!" Charlie Brown claims. Excuse me while I go laugh my head off. Lucy, Violet, Patty, and Freida, Charlie Brown's "friends"? Snoopy being a "faithful dog"? What a load!

Instead of kicking the girls and Snoopy off his team because A) they're jerks and B) they suck at baseball anyway, Charlie Brown has to turn down the uniforms and the chance to play in a real league. He fills Linus in, and Linus isn't particularly helpful. Although he's not wrong that the other kids, particularly Lucy, are going to be ticked off when they find out. But then Charlie Brown gets an idea. He won't tell them until after the next game, believing that all they need is one victory and they'll forget all about the uniforms. Doesn't sound like such a good idea to me, but what do I know? I'm not a baseball player...

And once again, why is Sally there? Did Charles Schulz forget that she wasn't on the
baseball team?

At the next game, Charlie Brown has Linus scout out the other team so he can find out their weaknesses. But because Linus is suddenly a moron, he winds up scouting his own team. Just as well, with their luck the other team probably doesn't HAVE any weaknesses.

The game starts up and the other kids actually manage to get some hits - except for Lucy and Linus, both of whom still suck. Snoopy even hits a home run!

"ALL HAIL SNOOPY!"

Now they're only one run behind, and it's up to Charlie Brown to win the game for them because of course it is. After two strikes, he hits the ball and steals the first three bases. He wonders if he should try to steal home, unaware that Lucy and Patty are talking about how stupid it would be if he tried to steal home. He makes the attempt. "SLIDE, CHARLIE BROWN, SLIDE!" the other kids shout. He slides... but fails miserably. So they lose the game, and guess who everybody gets mad at?

That's right, Charlie Brown! Nobody gets mad at Linus and Lucy even though they also contributed to the team's loss by sucking.

So how come Snoopy was able to slide to home base but Charlie Brown wasn't?

"If it weren't for those uniforms we're gonna get, we'd quit right now!" Lucy snaps. Violet even claims that if they had the uniforms, they wouldn't have lost. How exactly does having uniforms increase your chances of winning? I don't know, but Charlie Brown admits that they aren't getting new uniforms, angering everyone even more... including Linus, even though he knows WHY Charlie Brown turned down the uniforms.

Everyone storms off, seething over Charlie Brown costing them the game and their uniforms. Fortunately, this leads to the most satisfying moment in the entire special. Alas, it doesn't involve Charlie Brown snapping and going on a violent rampage. Instead, Linus suddenly remembers WHY Charlie Brown turned down the uniforms and angrily tells the other kids that he was looking out for their feelings. "The only reason Charlie Brown turned Mr. Hennessey down was because he'd have to get rid of Snoopy and you girls! Mr. Hennessey said that the league wouldn't accept girls and dogs on the team!" he informs them, much to their shock. It doesn't quite make up for Linus' joining the other kids in lambasting Charlie Brown a minute ago, but it's nice seeing them getting served a slice of humble pie.

"Gee, maybe we should've let Charlie Brown explain WHY he turned down the uniforms!"

Schroeder, feeling guilty, proceeds to read the girls and Snoopy the riot act. "You girls are very thoughtless," he says. "Don't you think Charlie Brown has feelings? All of you are the most thoughtless bunch I've ever known! You don't care anything about Charlie Brown! He's been loyal to you because he thinks you're his friends. But do you ever act like friends? No! Those uniforms meant as much to Charlie Brown as they did to YOU! Probably MORE!" Well said, Schroeder. Very well said. It would've been more satisfying if Shermy, Pigpen and 5 were here too considering they were ALSO jerks to Charlie Brown, but this is the only time I can think of where ANYONE in the franchise was called out for their treatment of poor Chuck.

You tell 'em, Schroeder!

The girls and Snoopy feel bad about what colossal jerks they were to Charlie Brown, so they decide to make it up to him by making him a uniform themselves. Linus, who is suddenly gigantic, points out that they don't have any fabric to make the uniform out of. "Oh, yes, we do..." Lucy says just before snatching Linus' blanket. Considering that Linus was acting really inconsiderately to Charlie Brown in this special too, I can't help but find this cathartic.

After whipping up the uniform out of Linus' blanket, the kids present it to Charlie Brown. "It's beautiful..." he says, then declares that tomorrow's game will go much better for them.

I still think Charlie Brown should've kicked them all off his team and gotten the uniforms
anyway.

But the next day, it rains, and Charlie Brown is stuck standing in the downpour atop the pitcher's mound, believing that everyone else will eventually show up and they can get the game going. Hey, if nothing else, you've gotta admire his optimism.

What's the Verdict?

Charlie Brown's All Stars! is a mixed bag. The characters all look crudely-drawn, most of the jokes aren't particularly funny (not even the ones taken from the comic strip), and everyone except for Charlie Brown and Sally is unlikable even for a Peanuts production. It's worth watching just to see Linus and Schroeder read everyone else the riot act, but as a whole the special doesn't have the same charm to it as A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, or It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. There are much better Peanuts specials worth your time, though there are obviously worse too.

Seriously, though, did they have to make Snoopy in particular such a jerk here? It practically makes me ashamed to be a Snoopy fan.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Rude Dog and the Dweebs"

In the 1980s, artist Brad McMahon was under contract with Sun Sportswear. They wanted him to create a mascot for their surfboard and surfing-related clothing. The result - a character who I really want to call a Spuds MacKenzie knockoff with ATTITUDE but this character actually precedes Spuds MacKenzie by a year.

This character, Rude Dog, was a hit. You can still buy Rude Dog merchandise at rudedog.com. But during the height of the character's popularity in 1989, somebody said, "Hey, what if we made a cartoon show about Rude Dog?". The result was Rude Dog and the Dweebs.

Rude Dog and the Dweebs premiered on September 16th, 1989. It was produced by Marvel Productions, with animation provided by AKOM. The show placed Rude Dog, voiced by Rob Paulsen, in the middle of Beverly Hills, driving around in a pink Cadillac and living in a garage with seven new dogs known as the Dweebs. The Dweebs consisted of a dachshund named Caboose (voiced by Frank Welker), a bulldog named Winston (Peter Cullen), a fox terrier who sounds like Jack Nicholson for some reason named Reggie (Mendi Segal), a great dane named Barney (Dave Coulier), a beagle named Satch (Jim Cummings), a girl dog named Ditzy Kibble (Ellen Gerstell), and a chihuahua named Tweek (Hank Saroyan). The dogs' foe was a dogcatcher named Herman (also Peter Cullen) and his rottweiler assistant Rot (also Frank Welker).

The show received one season consisting of thirteen episodes, each one featuring two segments. Why was the show axed? Apparently, there was concern that kids would confuse Rude Dog for the aforementioned Spuds MacKenzie, who was the mascot for Budweiser - an alcoholic beverage, which they feared those kids would promptly start drinking. It got a few VHS releases years ago, but it seems that only in the U.K. was it released on DVD. Nowadays, you can find episodes on YouTube.

Is the show any good? Let's find out. We'll watch the first episode of the show, which consists of the segments "Hello, Mr. Kitty?" and "The Fish Who Went Moo". This is Rude Dog and the Dweebs.

The episode begins with Rude Dog, who sounds exactly like Steelbeak from Darkwing Duck, introducing us to the neighborhood that he and the Dweebs call home. "I woulda started dis cartoon myself, but on dis particular mornin', I was still tryin' to, uh, catch a few Z's," he says. "Unfortunately, da Dweebs were not." They wind up waking him up with all the noise they're supposedly making... honestly, though, I don't think they're being THAT loud.

Scud had it all. Then one day, he was taken in by a boy named Sid Phillips, and his life
was all downhill from there.

Here is where the Dweebs demonstrate their various character traits. Winston is uptight and British, Ditzy is the girl, Barney... likes to play with a toy cow, and Caboose is apparently off his rockers and has train-related hallucinations. Tweek apparently ran out to fetch (get it? Fetch? 'Cause they're dogs?) that day's newspaper for Rude Dog, but apparently he is either the weakest dog in the world or the paper is just incredibly heavy, because he's having trouble lifting it. Not helping much is the presence of Seymour the Cat, a hideous blue cat with the voice of Gogo Dodo from Tiny Toon Adventures.

Ugly little fella, isn't he?

When Tweek returns with the paper, Rude Dog dubs it pitiful that the Dweebs - who are DOGS - are afraid of a CAT. Personally, I have a hard time believing that most of the Dweebs would be afraid of Seymour. I can understand Tweek since he's so much smaller than him, but surely the other Dweebs could take him on. It's not like he's particularly scary-looking.

Well, anyway, Rude Dog and the Dweebs discuss what they could do to keep Seymour off their backs. Satch suggests that they get a dog, giving us our first funny joke in the episode thus far. Alas, the Dweebs don't realize that they're dogs. Ditzy says that while Rude Dog is a dog, THEY'RE Dweebs, as though "Dweeb" is their species (scientific name Canis lupis idiotis). "Dweebs, we are going to the zoo for a little animal education!" Rude Dog decides.

"Mark my words, fellas. Someday, dogs will take over the world! Spaying and neutering
your pets will be outlawed! Every house will be required to have at least one fire hydrant
inside! The roads will be paved with Kibbles 'n' Bits!"

The neon-colored pooches hop into their Pepto-Bismolmobile, and now I'm wondering where Rude Dog even got it. This isn't like Hoze Hounds where anthropomorphic dogs and cats run the world - we see at least one human being in this episode so we know that they do indeed exist, and the dogs and cats can talk but otherwise aren't anthropomorphic. And yet Rude Dog somehow bought a car, let alone got a driver's license? Is it legal for dogs to drive in this world? Are dogs considered legal citizens? If so, why is there a dogcatcher?

Maybe he didn't buy this car. Maybe he just stole it from Barbie.

Speaking of the dogcatcher, Herman and Rot spot Rude Dog and the Dweebs cruising by and decide to go after them. The dogs, of course, have no idea that they're around. Barney apparently thinks that he's a flamingo.

Well, he does seem to be kind of a birdbrain..



Thank you, I'll be here all week.

"Now listen up. We are here ta learn about cats and dogs!" Rude Dog says. "NOT birds! C'mon, Dweebs!" He takes them to see a wolf, explaining that he is the cousin of all dogs, even Dweebs. "You see, you Dweebs gotta stand up to cats like Seymour on your own," he claims, "Just like our relative here, da wolf!"

See the family resemblance?

This, of course, backfires. Satch sees that the lion habitat just so happens to be nearby... so, he doesn't know that he's a dog, or that wolves are dogs, but he does know that lions are cats? Nor does he know not to just walk into a lion's habitat lest you get mauled? Fortunately, the lion doesn't maul Satch - it just growls at him, resulting in Satch figuring out that lions are not to be messed with.

Meanwhile, Herman and Rot have disguised themselves as quite possibly the ugliest rhinoceros ever so they can ambush Rude Dog and his posse. They wind up attracting the attention of an actual rhinoceros, who does not take kindly to their making a mockery of his species. Say, how come in this world, dogs and cats can talk but lions, wolves and rhinos apparently can't? That's a bit of a headscratcher...

"As an actual rhinoceros, I find your impersonation of us incredibly offensive! We do NOT
have polka-dotted buttocks!"

After the rhino physically harms them, Herman and Rot decide to just hide in the bushes and let the dogs just walk right up to them. Rude Dog tells the others that any cat can be dealt with just by acting rude to it. Uh huh. Rude Dog, there's a problem with that advice - I think if you walked up to, say, a jaguar and told it to its face that it was ugly and that its mother is so fat she has her own zip code, it would devour you, or at least tear your intestines out. But Rude Dog insists that he rudeness is the best way of dealing with a cat. To prove it, he walks right into the POLEcat exhibit... and as we all know, "polecat" is another word for SKUNK.

After his encounter with the skunk, Rude Dog for some reason decides to walk right up to the bush where Herman and Rot are waiting. They throw him in their truck and drive off... only to let him out a few seconds later because he smells like, y'know, a skunk.

"Sorry, fellas. I just had lunch with the Taco Bell chihuahua, and you know what
that food does to your stomach..."

Rude Dog claims that this is proof of anyone leaving you alone no matter how rude you are. Except that it wasn't rudeness that saved him from Herman and Rot, it was his smell. So, what exactly have we learned from this? Let skunks spray you and everyone will leave you alone?

Okay, next segment...

Rude Dog is woken up from his nap by the Dweebs, who want to tell him something but for some reason have difficulty doing so. Eventually, Barney tells him that they'd like to have a pet. Rude Dog, of course, isn't too keen on the idea - their home is a mess, how can they take care of a pet if they can't even take care of THEMSELVES? Winston suggests that they prove to Rude Dog that they are responsible by cleaning up the garage, but Rude Dog still isn't convinced.

I'm just now noticing that Reggie looks like Porkchop from Doug.

Eventually, the Dweebs manage to wear Rude Dog down, and he agrees to let them have ONE pet. Barney suggests a bullfrog. Satch wants an aardvark. Winston thinks they should get a sea lion. Caboose would like a duck. Tweek begs for a zebra. Ditzy's idea is a koala bear. "Hey, it's gotta be an alligator," Reggie insists - that way, they can have the alligator eat Herman.

Honestly, all seven ideas seem like great choices... who WOULDN'T want a pet koala bear or a zebra? Rude Dog decides that they'll get a fish, which the Dweebs all think is a good idea. He sends Barney out to get the fish, only for Barney to come back with... well, just look for yourself:

Yes, apparently Barney doesn't know the difference between fish and cows. "I think R.D.'s gonna have a cow when he sees THIS fish!" Ditzy laments. But maybe if they teach her to swim, Rude Dog will think she is, in fact, a fish. By now, it should be obvious that the Dweebs are all a few sodas short of a six-pack. WHACKY SHENANIGANS ensue as they try to get the cow in the bathtub, and eventually Rude Dog enters the bathroom and sees the cow. Uh oh...

"Uh, you guys know dere's a cow in da bathtub, don't ya?"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, we can fake it..."

Of course Rude Dog doesn't believe for a second that the cow is a fish and asks Barney why he brought home a cow instead of a fish. Barney explains that he bought the fish, but then on the way home, he saw a farmer who was trying to get rid of the cow because it can't moo. So, what, did he trade the farmer the fish for the cow? What use does a farmer have for a fish? Is this farmer an aquaculturist?

Rude Dog tells them to teach the cow how to moo, then they'll send her back to the farm where she belongs. When their attempt at teaching the cow to moo fails, they all pile into the Cadillac and take her to the farm to talk to the farmer... who is human, and who doesn't question the presence of a talking dog driving a car, raising further questions as to how this world works. Maybe it's just like in the Yogi Bear cartoons, where Yogi and Boo-Boo can talk and walk around on two legs but are still treated like animals.

So, why can't the cow moo? The roof of the barn was leaking, so she slept in the henhouse, and until the new water trough was delivered she drank water from the duck pond. And she ate with the pigs. Apparently, that led her to believe she was some sort of chicken/duck/pig hybrid creature as opposed to a cow? What would such a being even LOOK LIKE?

So the dogs fix the leak in the roof, give the cow a nice hat, and show her a mirror to make her realize that she is a cow, not a chicken/duck/pig hybrid. It works - but now Barney thinks that he's a chicken!

Is this a Running Gag? Barney assuming that he's a bird?

Rude Dog assures the audience that he'll snap out of it by tomorrow - and on the bright side, they can have all the eggs they can eat! Personally, though, I would not eat an egg laid by a dog.

What's the Verdict?

Between the name of the show ("Rude Dog" just screams "trying too hard to be cool") and the fact that it's starring a character created to sell clothes, I went in expecting something really bad. And, to be honest, I'm pretty disappointed. It's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, it's just tremendously mediocre. It's so hard to make a funny review of a cartoon that's just mediocre, as I've demonstrated several times on this blog already.

The main problem with this show is that the characters are not interesting. Rude Dog is supposed to be "cool", but he really just comes across as a massive tool who thinks being snide and cracking jokes every five seconds makes him cooler than he actually is. Being voiced by Rob Paulsen is all he has going for him. The Dweebs are just there to be hive-minded dimwits. Very few of the jokes are funny. The animation is fine, the voice actors are all doing their best, but as a whole there's not much of substance here. It's not gnarly or tubular or whatever the kids were saying back in 1989, it's just a blah show with very little going for it. Even if it weren't for the Spuds MacKenzie confusion thing, I doubt this show would've caught on.

Oh, and here's another fun fact for you - apparently, Rude Dog was the inspiration for Poochie. Yes, the character from The Simpsons. Remember that episode? And yet I still think a show starring Poochie would be more appealing than Rude Dog and the Dweebs.