Let's Watch This: "Animalympics" (1980)

Hey, have you been watching the Olympics? I haven't seen much of 'em. But since the Olympics are going on, it seems like a great time to do a review of a movie that I've had on my "to review" list for a while now. That movie is Animalympics!

Are you familiar with Steven Lisberger? He's the director of Tron. But before Tron, he directed THIS little movie at his production company, Lisberger Productions. How did this come to be? In 1978, NBC commissioned Lisberger Productions to make two half-hour TV specials about animals competing in the Olympics to be paired alongside coverage of both the 1980 Winter Olympics and the Summer Olympics, which were held in Moscow. But then the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan and the United States boycotted the Moscow Summer Olympics as a result, so NBC cancelled its coverage of the Olympics and the TV specials. So Steven Libserger and producer Donald Kushner decided to make the specials into a movie.

A lot of animators who worked on this went on to do bigger things. Among the folks who animated on Animalympics were Roger Allers (the director of The Lion King), Brad Bird, Chuck Harvey (a character animator on The Little Mermaid), Disney animator Dan Haskett, Bill Kroyer, and Tom Sito. Neat, huh?

Is Animalympics any good? I don't know, I've never seen it before. Let's give it a watch, shall we?

The movie starts off on a dark night at the remains of a Roman colosseum atop a mountain. In the colosseum, a dragon is sleeping. I didn't know there were dragons in Rome.

A narrator reveals that this mountain is Mount Animalympus. As the dragon snores, flames come out of its mouth, and somebody collects those flames with a torch - and from there, the torch begins its journey through the four corners of the animal kingdom. We get a surprise cameo appearance from Wile E. Coyote.

Or maybe that's his identical twin brother?

The narrator welcomes us to the Animalympics, presented by the network ZOO - the network that brings out the beast in sports. Anchorturtle Henry Hummel (Michael Fremer) appears to give us a look at Animal Olympic Island (shouldn't that be "Animalympic Island"?), the setting of the first Animal Summer Games. Also reporting on the games are birds Barbara Warblers (Gilda Radner) and Rugs Turkell (Billy "Mike Wazowski" Crystal) and dogs Keen Hacksaw (Harry Shearer), Brenda Springer (also Gilda Radner) and Melee (also Michael Fremer).

Before starring in Rocko's Modern Life, Filburt took a few odd jobs to put bread on
the table.

At Pawprint Stadium, a huge crowd is waiting for the games to begin. A rhino shows up with the torch, and the mayor of Animal Olympic Island, a walrus, gives a speech. He appears to be a parody of Richard Nixon... who was a president, not a mayor, but he wasn't a walrus either so we'll let it slide.

"Aroooooo!"

The first event of the Animalympics is a fourteen-day footrace. Competing in the race are goat Rene Fromage (Michael Fremer), who's considered so attractive that even females of other species are always running after him...

Now I'm curious... what WOULD happen if a cow mated with a goat?

...and Kit Mambo (Michael Fremer), a lioness who will be the first of MANY characters in this movie who I'm sure have become very popular in the furry fandom. Especially since the camera likes to focus on her rear end.

And this character predates Lola Bunny by sixteen years. Sorry, Lola - you're NOT the
character single-handedly responsible for the creation of furries.

Who will win? Well, lionesses can run up to forty-five miles per hour. It's more complicated with goats - different breeds of goats run at different speeds. Larger breeds of domestic goats can run fifteen miles per hour, so I'm betting on Kit. There don't appear to be any cheetahs participating in this event. Presumably, they were disqualified because if they competed it'd be pretty obvious who would win.

The race starts up, but we don't get to see how anyone's doing - instead, they cut to the gymnastics part of the games. Keen Hacksaw is standing next to a mink by the name of Cora Lee Perrier (Gilda Radner). She, too, is likely very popular with furries.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is where the folks behind Animaniacs got the idea of
Minerva Mink from. Like, they were watching this movie and as soon as she popped up, they
said, "You can make a mink hot? That's a great idea for a character!"

Cora isn't competing in the games. She's doing an interview with Tatyana Tushenko (Gilda Radner), a sable who gets a perfect ten score for her performance. But can she beat Isla Blintz, a hippopotamus who's ALSO competing in the gymnastics portion of the games? After all, Fantasia proved that hippopotamuses can perform ballet.

Alas, she only winds up getting a 4.5. because she's fat. Poor Isla... hippos have been discriminated against for their weight for far too long. Did you know that hippos are the most dangerous animal (aside from flies that carry diseases) in all of Africa? Hey, you'd probably snap like a twig too if you were always being made fun of for how fat you are in animation.

If it makes you feel any better, Isla, I thought your performance was good.

Keen even decides to kick her while she's down. He quips, "4.5... is that her score or the reading on the Richter Scale?" I'm sorry, but that just seems needlessly mean. I mean, look at Isla. She's crying, and Keen is making jokes about her.

"Fat-shaming, am I right? Nyuck nyuck nyuck!"

Next up is the Asian contestant Bruce Kwakimoto, a penguin. I didn't know penguins lived in Asia (outside of the ones in zoos and aquariums, obviously). His gymnastics routine is actually just him doing a bunch of kung fu poses. Does the Animalympics have a martial arts portion? I think he might fit better in that...

Martial arts, surfing, tap-dancing... is there anything that penguins CAN'T do?

After Bruce, circus performer elephant named Ludmilla Steppanyatova does her routine, but - because she's FAT, just like Isla - she fails miserably at it. "There you see the heavy price that athletes pay for their mistakes!" says Keen. Enough with the body-shaming, Keen. Remember, folks, if you're overweight, you'll never be good at gymnastics.

Tatyana and Bruce take home the gold, and then koala Burnt Woody (Harry Shearer) takes us on a tour via helicopter of Animal Olympic Island. As it turns out, it's built on the lost continent of Atlantis. I don't recall them ever mentioning that in Atlantis: The Lost Empire.

Then it's time for the figure skating part of the games. Barbara Warblers is joined by penguin Art Antica (Billy Crystal), who introduces a husband and wife team consisting of a lizard and a chicken. Uh, okay then. After they perform, flamingo Dorie Turnell (Gilda Radner) takes the ice, and she proves to be quite a skater for a bird usually found in warmer climates.

I guess while other birds were flying south for the winter, she stayed home
and practiced her figure eights.

Dorie wins a gold medal, and then it's time for the Track and Field portion. Among those competing is Bolt Jenkins (Michael Fremer), an alligator who sounds like a bad John Travolta impression and who started life as a handbag. Living in a sewer most of his life, he was inspired by a broadcast of Boris Amphibiennsky's record-shattering high-jump to join the Animalympics.

Apparently, he was also a Looney Tunes character for a while.

Who will win the high jump? Bolt or returning champion Boris? Believe it or not, Bolt winds up beating Boris - not bad, considering that he's an alligator and Boris is a frog (not that alligators are bad jumpers, it's just that, y'know, Boris is a FROG). He promptly receives a licensing deal.

And is it just me, or does the cereal's being made from geckos seem really, really disturbing? In a world of anthropomorphic animals, it's okay to eat other animals? In that case, what's stopping Kit from having Rene for lunch?

"Toasted Gecko Flakes: the cereal that saves you fifteen percent or more on car insurance!"

Most of the other games in the Track and Field portion are shown in a montage, then we get the Hundred-Meter Dash. Bolt is competing against a rabbit, a horse, and what I think is a mountain lion. Bolt wins, but he gives the medal to the mountain lion and says that he's much better than him. That was nice of him.

It's just as well, I'm pretty sure mountain lions are faster than alligators anyway...

As night falls on Animal Olympic Island, everyone takes a breather from the games by heading to the Noah's Ark Disco (yes, that's really what it's called). And y'know how earlier we had a lizard and a chicken who were married? Well, that's nothing compared to the strange couples we see here. Look at this octopus making the move on FOUR chickens!

"You know what they say about animals with three hearts, don't you? They say we can love
four girls at once..."

Next we get some highlights from the soccer game. Rolf Shmecker, a dog, is the captain of one team, a rat named "Whiz" Rizzo (not to be confused with Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets) is the captain of the other. The dogs trounce the rats, then play against a team of llamas.

In case you're wondering about the footrace, Rene and Kit are in the lead. Both are focused on winning... but also starting to have feelings for each other, their not being the same species be darned. Rene has a trippy fantasy sequence, and at one point we see what is clearly a human. Only from the back, yes, but it's clearly a human. So humans DO exist in this world of anthropomorphic animals? Or, since this is just a fantasy sequence, are humans considered mythical creatures like dragons and unicorns? Wait, we saw a dragon at the beginning of the movie... if dragons exist, maybe unicorns and humans do too.

After Rene's acid trip, Brenda Springer and horse movie star Bjorn Freeborg talk about the skiing event of the games. Frog skier Jimmy Ribbett is good, but it's dog skier Kurt Wuffner (Michael Fremer) who's expected to bring home the gold.

And he does!

However, Kurt goes missing after climbing Pike's Peak. Maybe he was abducted by a yeti or something? We'll have to find out later, for now it's time for the bobsledding portion of the Animalympics. The Calamari Brothers, a group of octopi who can somehow survive on dry land (maybe they're fine because they're surrounded by snow, which is water... it worked for SpongeBob and Patrick in one episode), are competing in this part.

Incidentally, during the Calamari Brothers' backstory, we see them serenading a feline who looks a LOT like the Pink Panther. I don't think it actually IS him - he isn't pink and has an awful sense of fashion, so it might just be a relative or something.

The good news is, octopi don't have bones, so there's no risk of them breaking any.

For those worried about Kurt, he stumbles upon the secluded valley of Dogra-La, which seems to be populated entirely by pretty female dauschunds. While everyone else is looking for him, the ice hockey section of the games begins. The Eurasian Longhorns are playing against the North American Kodiaks, led by coach Bear McLane (Michael Fremer). The Longhorns have rigged the field with explosives. I'm not exactly an expert on ice hockey, but I'm pretty sure that's a big no-no. Not that it does them any good - the Kodiaks win anyway.

After that, Barbara Warblers interviews Rene and Kit's coaches. I've been very, very tempted to put a steroids joke somewhere in this review, but the movie did it for me... apparently, Rene's coach has heard rumors that Kit's coach has been giving her catnip. It's not quite as funny as Shrek 2's catnip joke, but A for effort.

What's next? Swimming! California otter Dean Wilson (Michael Fremer) is the athlete to beat, but dolphin Mark Spritz (Harry Shearer), who's commentating on the event along with Brenda Springer, thinks that he has fierce competition in the form of orca Ono Nono.

Shamu went down a dark path after the release of that Blackfish documentary.

Dean triumphs. The next event is the high dive, which Dean ALSO wins after another acid trip. Then we take a trip to the Animal Archives, where it's revealed that animals doing athletics goes back thousands of years. Did you know that dinosaurs lifted dumbbells? Or that they wore running shoes? Believe it or not, they did! Although they probably had some difficulty tying the laces with their tiny hands.

Uh... just do it?

Since Kurt is still MIA, it seems that the winner of the downhill skiing event will be taken by a boar named Marcel Pourseau - perhaps better described as the Six Million Dollar Pig. Alas, he winds up wiping out on the way down. But who's that flying in on a handglider? Why, it's Kurt Wuffner! He wins the downhill skiing event, then sails off to find Dogra-La again.

So, how are Rene and Kit doing?

"Do you believe in interspecies dating?"

"Well, I did go out with a warthog once. It didn't work out - he was so pig-headed!"

"I hear you. My most recent girlfriend was a bat. Problem was, she was nocturnal so we
could never agree on what time to go out..."

Next up is basketball. Who will win, the Eurasia team led by bear Pavel Shotski or the North American team led by black panther Dr. Abdul Jones (who ALSO kind of looks like the Pink Panther)? ANSWER: The North America Team. Eat your heart out, Bugs Bunny.

Before the basketball event, we got to see who'd be competing in the boxing event. Famous kangaroo boxer Joey Gongolong (Billy Crystal) was going up against bull Janos Brushtecklel. When we cut back to them, we see that Janos has been creamed - because as we've learned from every boxing movie ever made, it doesn't matter if your opponent is much stronger than you if you're smarter than them.

I imagine that at one point during this match, Joey started singing "I'm Gonna Knock You Out".

As for volleyball, a group of lobsters are going up against a group of chickens. You'd think the lobsters would be at a disadvantage with those claws, but they're actually pretty good at it. Then it's time for weight-lifting, with a steer competing against Ivan the elephant - the husband of Ludmilla. Unsurprisingly, it's the elephant - y'know, the world's largest land animal - who wins.

"Ivan, you've just become the heavyweight champion of the world. What are you gonna do next?"

"I'm gonna star in commercials for Wonderful Pistachios!"

And now we come to fencing. Count Maurice Boar-Deaux ((Michael Fremer) - take a wild guess what kind of animal HE is - is up against Duke Laszlo "Quicksilver" Chardas, who appears to be a flying squirrel. Laszlo is no match for Maurice and his snooty French accent, but the Contessa (Gilda Radner) - some type of bird... a hawk, I think? - swoops in to defeat Maurice and take the medal for herself.

Finally, Rene and Kit cross the finish line together and run off to get married and have goat/lion hybrid babies.

Meh, still a better love story than Bee Movie.

Thus concludes the Animalympics.

What's the Verdict?

Don't go into Animalympics expecting masterful storytelling or a complex plot. It's basically just an excuse to watch cartoon animals play sports. And I personally love cartoon animals, so I'm just fine with that.

This is, as a whole, a very well-made movie. The animation is very nice, with character designs reminiscent of Disney's animated animals (many of the characters here would be right at home in the animated segments of Bedknobs and Broomsticks). It's very impressive that this movie only had four voice actors, yet most if not all of the characters sound distinct from each other - compared to something like Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, where it's pretty obvious how many characters have Tom Kenny's voice. I also give them credit for using a wide variety of animal species (Zootopia's a great movie but had a very limited variety of species, especially since they only used mammals). Is it a flawless movie? Well, no... I would've liked to see some more jokes, and a lot of the jokes they DID have fell flat. It's also a very long movie, with a lot of padding. There are also a few unflattering Asian stereotypes. But all in all, I think Animalympics is a good movie and I'd recommend watching it at least once. Somebody uploaded it to YouTube, and you can also find it on Amazon Prime Video and Tubi.

By the way... when I mention furries, I should note that I'm referring to people who are attracted to cartoon animals, not the other kind of furry (I'm not even one hundred percent sure what the other kind of furry is). And that I am not judging them, or anyone.