Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Hey, paisanos! We're reviewing The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

You're probably familiar with this show already if you spend a lot of time on the internet. The Super Mario Bros. Super Show premiered in syndication on September 4th, 1989, created by Andy Heyward for Nintendo, Saban Entertainment, and DIC Enterprises. In fact, this was the first of THREE cartoons starring the iconic plumber to be created by DIC. Maybe we'll review the other two cartoons another time, maybe we won't. We'll see.

Each episode started and ended with a live action segment starring Mario and Luigi, portrayed in both animation and live action by Captain Lou Albano and Danny Wells respectively. This would show their lives in Brooklyn before they arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, doing odd jobs for folks like Dr. Frankenstein, Inspector Gadget, and Cyndi Lauper. Sandwiched in between these live action bits were an animated segment where Mario and Luigi would help Princess Peach... I mean, Toadstool (voiced by Jeannie Elias) and her servant Toad (John Stocker) protect the Mushroom Kingdom from the evil Bowser... I mean, King Koopa (Harvey Atkin). The writers mostly used this as an excuse to do spoofs of various books, films, what have you.

Apparently, Nintendo was reluctant to do the show from the start and decided to end the show after production of the first season (consisting of sixty-three episodes) - which is why DIC made two more shows based on Super Mario Bros 3. and Super Mario World instead of just making more seasons of THIS show. Today, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show is mostly well-known for how corny it supposedly is. Ah yes, and every episode released on Friday had an animated segment based on The Legend of Zelda instead. I'm going to review an episode that doesn't have a Legend of Zelda segment because I've never played any of those games, ergo I don't think I'm a good choice to review an episode of a show adapting them.

Actually, we'll be reviewing the sixth episode, which consists of the segments "The Mario Monster Mash" and "Rolling Down the River". Does The Super Mario Bros. Super Show live up to the "hype"? Let's find out!

We start off with Mario and Luigi talking about how their new neighbor, Dr. Frankenstein... or rather, Dr. Frank N. Stein wants their help with his new experiment. It takes Mario a few minutes to figure out that, hey, this guy is in fact the character from Mary Shelley's iconic novel about a guy who creates a monster out of various body parts and brings it to life. Also, he's from Transylvania, because that's where all monsters come from, isn't it?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think these guys look much like Mario and Luigi from
the games. I mean, I don't recall Mario having a PERM...

Dr. Frankenstein (Eugene Liebowitz), who looks like Larry from the Three Stooges, shows up accompanied by a flash of lightning - and horror of horrors, he brought his monster (Craig Armstrong) with him!

"Hey, I thought you were delivering me to Universal Studios!"

What sort of wacky shenanigans will occur now that Frankenstein's Monster is running around Mario and Luigi's home? We'll have to find out later, because the animated segment is starting up!

Did you know that Mario was named after real estate developer Mario Segale? Apparently,
the guy was such a recluse that the game developers thought it'd be funny to give their character
the same name.

First we get a second intro sequence that explains how Mario and Luigi got to the Mushroom Kingdom in the first place. They were sucked down the drain during one of their plumbing jobs and wound up there (I wonder if their client knew that their bathtub had a portal to another world in it) just in time to unwittingly save Princess Toadstool and Toad from King Koopa. Then the actual segment begins.

It's a beautiful day in River World, the region of the Mushroom Kingdom where this episode is taking place (considering that the show also had locations like Spy Land and Car Land, the folks of the Mushroom Kingdom must not be very creative when thinking of names). According to Mario's voice-over, Princess Toadstool is being held captive by King Koopa as per usual... or should I say CAPTAIN Koopa, who's holding her aboard his riverboat, the Sinister Star. He tells his first mate, Mouser (also John Stocker), that he knows the Mario Brothers are going to show up and rescue the princess, so he's just going to have to capture them before they do. After all, it wouldn't be much of a rescue if THEY got captured too, would it? It's not like the three of them could find some way to escape...

He looks like an evil Ord from Dragon Tales, doesn't he?

Unbeknownst to King Koopa, Mario and Luigi are already aboard the riverboat - in disguise, playing "Go Fish" with two Koopas and a Goomba. They're keeping them busy while Toad, who's also on board, saves the princess. Since Toad is the comedic sidekick, wouldn't it make more sense is HE distracted the bad guys and MARIO, the main character, saved the princess? I guess Mario likes to go against the norm...

Anthropomorphic mushrooms aren't known for their baking skills.

King Koopa isn't fooled by Toad's disguise (maybe because a fake mustache does not a convincing disguise make) and throws him into the cell where Princess Toadstool is. Meanwhile, Mario and Luigi are still playing cards with Raphael and Leonardo, who very quickly find out that those two guys with Brooklyn accents and bushy black facial hair are, in fact, the Mario Brothers in disguise!

I think these Koopas need glasses if they were actually fooled by the brothers' disguises.

Mario and Luigi are chased by the bad guys until they're finally cornered near the top of the riverboat. Luigi asks what they're going to do now, to which Mario says "When in doubt, JUMP!". Then, instead of seeing Mario and Luigi jump, we cut to the exterior of the riverboat and hear that Mario jumping sound effect multiple times, which continues as we cut back to the bad guys gaining on Mario and Mario and Luigi just standing there... THEN they finally jump off the riverboat. How strange.

After landing in the water, Mario and Luigi have to deal with a very large very hungry fish. But then they're saved by the captain of another riverboat (also Harvey Atkin), who introduces himself as Mark Twang (not to be confused with Mark TWAIN). His boat was competing in a boat race against the Sinister Star to become "King of the River"... I assume that this is a reference to one of Mark Twain's books... until King Koopa sabotaged his boat's steam engine. Ah, so THIS is King Koopa's goal in the episode. I'm not sure why ensuing his victory in a boat race involves kidnapping Princess Toadstool, but maybe it's just a force of habit for him by now.

"Indiana Jones?! Mama mia, you've aged well!"

Speaking of King Koopa, he brings Princess Toadstool and Toad out of their cell and onto the deck to gloat about how Mario and Luigi are probably fish food by now, giving Princess Toadstool and Toad the perfect opportunity to jump off the boat and escape themselves - which they don't take because apparently they've been taking Stupid Pills. Mouser tells King Koopa that Mark Twang's boat is on their tail. Mario and Luigi managed to fix the steam engine, and when King Koopa sees them with Mark Twang he's so outraged that he stomps on his telescope (as one does).

It has a tongue?

Princess Toadstool and Toad tell King Koopa that he might as well give up because the Mario Brothers will save them. King Koopa replies that he has a big surprise for the brothers - a Black Pit Bob-Omb!

Pictured: a Black Pit Bob-Omb (not to be confused with a Very Very Dark Grey Pit
Bob-Omb).

"Down the drain with those pesky pipe-pushers!" King Koopa declares before he throws the Black Pit Bob-Omb into the water... wouldn't that extinguish the fuse? Apparently not, as the Bob-Omb still goes off, creating a large hole with waterfalls for walls in the middle of the river. Mark Twang can't stop the current from pulling them into the hole, but maybe Mario's plunger can be of some assistance!

"I HAVE-A THE POWER!"

Mario ties the plunger to a rope, then he and Luigi shoot it out of a cannon, causing it to go flying towards a rock on land that just so happens to have a convenient bullseye on it. Thus, the good guys' boat is prevented from going into the hole. Mario: one, King Koopa: zilch. He doesn't care, though, they still can't get around the giant hole in the river, meaning that King Koopa will be crowned King of the River. Hey, wait a second... isn't he already the King of the Koopas? If he's already king, why does he want to be King of the River? What, will that mean the fish in the river will have to obey King Koopa's orders too?

"It ain't over 'til it's over, Lizard Lips!" Toad barks. "Stop wisecrackin', mushroom, or I'll turn ya into soup!" King Koopa snaps (or maybe he said "soap", I'm not sure). As for Mario, Luigi, and Mark Twang, they decide to go to the mouth of the river - not an actual mouth of the river, which for those unaware is what the end of a river is called, but rather an actual person. She's a fortune teller with terrifyingly large lips.

After this, her lips went on to star in ads for Dairy Queen.

Unfortunately, the Mouth of the River's advice isn't particularly helpful. She just says that there won't actually be a hole in the middle of the river if the river goes around it. When Luigi asks how that's possible, she replies, "You're askin' ME? YOU'RE the plumbers!"

So what do Mario and Luigi do? They set up a giant set of pipes to fill up the river so that it goes AROUND the hole... somehow. I'm not sure. Just go with it.

Mario: two, King Koopa: still zilch.

Only problem is, King Koopa's got too much of a head start for them to catch up. Fortunately, the Mouth of the River has a way around that - she gives Mario and Luigi amulets that she claims are "more powerful than pasta". Which is like saying that somebody is stronger than a sock monkey... most things are, it's not exactly saying much.

The amulets... turn Mario and Luigi's hats and overalls white. Well, I guess they're still more powerful than pasta. I've never seen pasta that could change the color of somebody's clothes.

No offense to Mario and Luigi, but they do not look good in white.

Actually, it seems that the amulets also give Mario and Luigi a power boost, because they're able to get the boat moving faster just by hopping up and down. Then they hop aboard the boat and lift King Koopa into the air, ordering the oversized turtle to let Princess Toadstool and Toad go.

We haven't had a screencap of Princess Toadstool yet, so here you go. I don't know why
she has red hair in the cartoon when she's blonde in the games. Maybe the character designer
has a thing for redheads?

It looks like the day is saved... but then King Koopa yanks off Mario and Luigi's amulets. Now he's in control again, and he forces Mario to walk the plank. Hungry fish with eating utensils and napkins are waiting in the water below. But then who should show up but Mark Twang and the Mouth of the River, armed with a cannon that shoots... turnips. Okay then. Thanks to Princess Toadstool's taking control of the steering wheel, the Sinister Star runs aground and King Koopa goes flying off and into the sand. "What a stick in the mud!" Toad quips... okay, Toad, if you're gonna make one-liners, at least make them have something to do with the situation at hand. He didn't fall into MUD, he fell into SAND.

Mark Twang wins the boat race and is crowned King of the River. Huzzah. We then cut back to the live action stuff, where Mario, Luigi, and Dr. Frankenstein are getting the experiment started. You see, Dr. Frankenstein promised his monster a normal brain... as opposed to, say, the brain of a chicken or something, I guess. Long story short, Mario's brain somehow winds up in the monster's body... or does it? I'm not quite sure WHAT'S going on here. And then Luigi introduces The Legend of Zelda... wait, we're doing a Zelda segment in this episode after all? There's only four minutes left. Doesn't seem like a lot of time for an exciting Link and Zelda adventure.

"Should we do something about that cloud of red smoke in the distance?"

"Nah, let's start making out!"

Like I said, I've never played any of the Zelda games, so I have no idea how accurate any of this is to the games. Basically, Ganon uses flying buckets of water to flood a chamber so that when Link opens the door, the water comes rushing out and propels him and Zelda out of the castle. "Is that what they call a royal FLUSH?" Link quips, nyuck nyuck nyuck. When they go back inside, they discover that Ganon has stolen the Triforce... oh, I get it. It's a teaser for the next Zelda segment, not the actual Zelda segment. Jeez, could they really not think of enough decent material for either of the Mario segments so they had to put in a teaser for the next episode?

Okay, so we cut back to the live action stuff. Sure enough, Mario's brain is now in the monster's body and vise-versa. Dr. Frankenstein gets them back to normal by whacking them on the head with a mallet. Y'know what, I'm not even going to question it...

What's the Verdict?

Sheesh, I wasn't expecting a GOOD cartoon but I was at least expecting something bad enough for me to get a lot of jokes out of. This was just so DULL. The characters were either boring or annoying, the animation is okay but nothing spectacular, the jokes aren't funny, the live action segments are cheesy, I can't think of one positive thing to say about it. No wonder Nintendo tried to shut down production, because this is one of the most mediocre things I've ever seen.

And I'm really getting tired of reviewing cartoons that are just mediocre. Stuff like this, Pig City, Skunk Fu!... these shows give me nothing to work with. I don't know if that says more about the shows or about me as a comedic writer, but I find it easier to get jokes out of something I actually wind up liking than something I don't like. You'd think it would be the other way around...

If you want to watch The Super Mario Bros. Super Show for yourself, you can find episodes on YouTube. It's also streaming on Tubi. But even if you're a HUGE Mario fan, I'd recommend skipping it. If you want a good cartoon based on an iconic video game character from before the 2000s, watch Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog instead. Yeah, it's a bit too bizarre for its own good, but at least it has actual jokes. Ah well. At least this gave us "Do the Mario"...