Let's Watch This: "Jungle Shuffle" (2014)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Y'know what it's been a while since I've reviewed? An obscure direct-to-video animated movie. Preferably one made in another country and then brought over to the US. Let's fix that!

Jungle Shuffle is a Korean animated film directed by a Mr. Taedong Park and a Mr. Mauricio De la Orta. One admittedly pretty cool thing about it is that its main character is a coati, which I've always considered to be a very underrated animal. I've liked coatis ever since I first saw them in episodes of Zoboomafoo, but you didn't see them in animation that much until recently. Aside from this, there's also a 2021 animated movie called Koati, I think there's a coati or two in Encanto... is that about it?

You can currently find the full movie on YouTube. It's been on my "to review" list for a while, and let me tell you, it's quite an experience. Let's start the review, shall we?

The movie starts off with a female vocalist singing in "doo-doo-doo-doo-doo"s and "nah-naaaaaaaaaaahs" as two little coatis, one orange and one pink (neither color a coati is in real life, but who cares?), run around laughing. They run through a flock of jungle birds, who promptly fly into the air and... merge into a big white eagle? Huh? Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bad idea to start off a movie with something incredibly weird like this without telling the audience what's going on.

I think the bright colors in this screencap are giving me a migraine.

When night falls on the Mexican rainforest where this movie takes place, we see more coatis fleeing in terror from vehicles driven by - you guessed it - poachers. Yep, this is another one of those animated movies that shed light on how awful poaching is. Most of the coatis manage to get away, but one is caught in a net and dragged off by the poachers. The king of the coatis, simply known as Coati King (voiced by Rob Schneider), dubs humans the most dangerous creature in the jungle. At the risk of sounding like I just stepped onto a soapbox, I can't say I don't agree.

Maybe Coati King should lay off the eggs and various small vertebrae for a while.
He's looking a little chubby.

There's only one way the coatis can protect themselves from the eeeeeeeevil humans, Coati King tells another coati named Artex (voiced by Eric Lopez) - they must build a statue of the "great guardian". Which guardian would that be? Star-Lord? Rocket Raccoon? Groot? Or maybe one of the Owls of Ga'Hoole? Coati King doesn't specify. He just says that they must build a statue in the guardian's honor - and when he says "they", he means "just Artex". After all, kings don't do manual labor.

Artex agrees to build the statue, but he'd like something in return - Coati King's daughter's paw in marriage. Hmmm, I wonder who Coati King's daughter could be. Surely they're not actually the love interest of the film's main character, are they? Well, anyhow, the coatis get to work building the statue, and I gotta say, it's pretty impressive for something made mostly out of twigs.

Although it doesn't look much like Rocket Raccoon, if that's indeed who Coati King was
referring to. It'd make sense, seeing as coatis are related to raccoons...

That orange coati from before, Manu (voiced by Brianne Brozey), shows up again to admire the statue, but Artex tells him not to get anywhere near the statue. In fact, the king made it a LAW that he's not allowed near it. For some reason. Is Manu known for being incredibly clumsy? Does he have a habit of destroying statues? Or did the king just feel like picking on him?

Statue divided by Manu equals Skull and Crossbones? I don't remember learning THAT
in math class...

So what does Manu do? He climbs up to the top of the statue. Upon realizing that the humidity is rising, he tells the other coatis to tie down the ropes holding the statue because it's going to rain. But the others, particularly Artex, don't listen to him. I guess this is one of those animated movies where the main character is an outcast. Manu, Flik, Khumba, Dumbo, and Rudolph should start a support group.

After Manu scampers off, the King shows up, accompanied by his daughter, who I think is supposed to be the pink coati from before except she's purple now for some reason. Her name is Sacha, and she says in the voice of Annie from It's Pony (Jessica DiCicco) that she is NOT in love with Artex. Which is likely because he seems to be older than her, which makes Artex's having the hots for her kind of creepy now that I think about it...

You're probably wondering why Artex appears to be wearing a string of bacon around
his neck. Well, there's an answer to that question. Unfortunately, I have no idea what it is.

Then it starts raining, and as everyone else scatters, Manu shows up to protect Sacha with a makeshift umbrella. Yeah, Manu and Sacha are totally into each other. Probably because Manu is, according to Sacha, the only one who really listens to her.

There's something really awkward about watching two kids flirt with each other. I mean, in The Lion King, Simba and Nala weren't in love from the start - in fact, when they were little, they were disgusted when Zazu told them they would be married one day. It wasn't until they were older that they "felt the love tonight". Same goes for Mumble and Gloria in Happy Feet. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I think they're a little young to be talking about "running away together" and Manu proving to Coati King that he's good enough to date his daughter.

Of course, puppy love is a thing... though, since a young coati is called a "kit",
would this actually be "kitty love"?

Alas, Artex shows up with his bodyguards to ruin the moment, and after Manu accidentally pelts him with fruit we get a chase sequence that culminates in the bodyguards knocking Coati King off his throne... which he blames Manu for.

Then we cut to a bamboo hut somewhere in the jungle. Inside is this really ugly sweaty guy arguing with someone over the radio. They're talking about experimenting on animals and a "gene-fusion booster device". The guy on the radio also mentions that he needs a coati - a FEMALE coati, which pretty much guarantees that he's going to cross paths with Sacha at some point. He also needs a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar. This sounds like the set-up to a bad joke: "Okay, so a coati, a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar walk into a bar..."

So THIS is where Al wound up after his Toy Barn closed.

So Sweaty McSounds Like a Bad Impression of Jason Alexander (voiced by Joey D'Auria) - that's not the character's actual name, but it's what I'm calling him - apparently runs some sort of... poultry business? He wants to create a Super Chicken...

...no, not THAT Super Chicken. He's got a poster in his hut of the desired "super chicken" that he wants to sell in grocery stores. It's very fat, with extra-thick legs and extra wings. It's like a mutant. An X-Hen, if you will.

Then we actually get to SEE the guy who Sweaty was talking to on the radio in his laboratory. Say hello to the aptly named Dr. Loco (also Rob Schneider), who prances around his lab laughing about how he'll create a chicken as big as a jaguar, as healthy as an eagle, and with the ability to lay more eggs than an alligator. His previous attempts at creating such a chicken were washes. I mean, just look at this thing:

Oh, no! He captured Entree from Spliced and stuck him in a giant test tube!

...actually, Entree sucks, so this isn't a bad thing at all. Good on you, Dr. Loco.

Back in the coatis' domain, Coati King claims that Manu kidnapped his daughter, jeopardized her safety, and put all of his fellow coatis in danger. I don't know where he got this idea, because none of that happened... with the possible exception of the second one, but that was more Artex and his bodyguards' fault than anything. Sacha tries to defend him, telling her father that she loves him and that they'll get married one day, and that Manu is good and stuff. But Coati King is all "I'M NOT LISTENING, YOU WILL MARRY WHO I TELL YOU TO AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!". As they're bickering, one of the ropes holding down the statue comes loose and despite Manu's best efforts, the entire statue winds up falling apart.

"My king, what we need now is a strong leader, a decisive ruler, who is not afraid to take care of a little, furry problem," Artex says. Coati King agrees and banishes Manu from the village of the Skittles-colored coatis - and then tells Artex that he won't be able to marry Sacha until he rebuilds the statue and makes it stronger and bigger this time. Ha ha, serves him right. Especially since this was really all his fault in the first place.

So two coati guards take Manu to another part of the jungle far, far away from the coatis' domain, and then they leave him there. Quick question, where are Manu's parents? Don't THEY get any say in this?

"Sooooooooooooooooooome-wheeeeeeeeeeeeere, ooooooooooout theeeeeeeeeeeere,
Beneath the paaaaaaaaaaaale mooooooooon-liiiiiiiiiight..."

On the bright side, that white eagle from before magically appears and shields Manu from the rain with his wing. Thanks, mystical white eagle.

Through a montage, Manu learns how to survive in the jungle, having to deal with snakes, farting skunks, and the most terrifying slug ever.

Hello, nightmare fuel.

Years go by, and eventually Manu and Sacha are teenagers. Manu is now voiced by Drake Bell and Sacha... well, the credits state that it's still Jessica DiCicco, but Wikipedia and IMDB claim that it's now Alicia Silverstone. I have no idea what to make of this... it doesn't SOUND like Jessica DiCicco and Alicia's name is on the DVD cover, but if it's her, why isn't she listed in the credits?

Oh, no! There are humans in the jungle! Specifically, a burly bearded poacher named Helms (Michael McConnohie) and his minion Pacal (Eddie Santiago). Helms shoots a jaguar named Kam (Debra Wilson) with a tranquelizer dart, and when Sacha shows up to investigate, she gets tranquelized as well. Fortunately, Manu happens to be nearby, and he's not letting them take Sacha without a fight.

And presumably, Coati King hasn't noticed that his daughter is missing yet?

Unfortunately, Helms has a GUN, which he promptly uses on Manu. Don't worry, Manu survives, but Helms drives off with Sacha and the jaguar... only for Manu to climb onto the back of his truck a few minutes later. In addition to Sacha and the jaguar, Helms has also captured a crazy monkey with a Chinese accent named Chuy (Rob Schneider... yes, the Chinese character is voiced by a white guy, that's not politically correct), a grey-skinned iguana with a dark sense of humor named Tuana (also Rob Schneider, he's all over the place in this movie), and a sassy purple toucan named Louca (Derek Stephen Prince doing a weird accent that I can't identify). Suddenly, a JAGUAR jumps in front of the truck, and when Helms hits the brakes, Manu and Chuy go flying off. After the truck drives off, the jaguar, whose name is Balaam (Chris Gardner), blames Manu for the humans taking his mate and chases him up a tree.

Fun fact - for the longest time, I thought that all jaguars were black. This is because whenever
a jaguar showed up in Zoboomafoo, it would be a black jaguar... although I'm pretty sure they do say
in one episode that most jaguars are orange.

After Balaam leaves, Chuy pops up and establishes himself as the film's WHACKY COMIC RELIEF. Just because you didn't give the character squinty eyes doesn't mean he's not an offensive Chinese stereotype.

Also, as I've said before, MONKEYS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY FUNNY.

And then guess who shows up? None other than Artex, who blames Manu for Sacha getting captured. Is that just the coatis' motto? Whenever anything goes wrong, it's always Manu's fault? Fortunately, Manu is not taking any of Artex's crap and says, "Why don't you go back to sucking up to the king and let ME rescue the princess?" "Ha! You couldn't rescue a coati girl if she was captured by humans!" Artex snaps. "Which is... exactly what happened." Clearly Artex isn't very good at insulting people... er, animals.

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Kam and Sacha wake up and have to deal with Tuana and Louca's unfunny jokes.

Is the toucan a boy or a girl? I legitimately can't tell...

Back in the coatis' domain, Artex tells the king that Sacha has been taken and that he tried to prevent it. I have just one thing to say to you, Artex...

But Artex's polluting the air with his filthy lies will not go unpunished - the king comes to the conclusion that Artex will venture into the jungle to bring his daughter back. If he succeeds, he can become king.

Then we cut back to Manu and Chuy, who are searching for the truck. Manu's entire personality now is that he's frustrated by Chuy. I mean, I kind of am too, but at least the monkey's trying to help. No need to be hostile towards him, Manu. Besides, it could be worse - you could have a certain OTHER spider monkey for a sidekick...

Yeah, I'd gladly take a Chinese stereotype over this guy.

They don't find the truck, but they DO find Balaam, who after some WHACKY SHENANIGANS gives chase. After they get away from the jaguar, they go over a waterfall because of course they do. In fact, they go over TWO waterfalls. After that, they run into... what the heck?

Are those... gorillas with bear ears? Gorillas don't live in the Mexican rainforest, they live in Africa. And they don't have bear ears. When we see them from the back, it's revealed that they have tails... and they take Manu and Chuy to some ruins where a bunch of other, smaller monkeys are... and one of them is PURPLE. Did Grape Ape and Donkey Kong have children with Ewoks or something?

The king of the monkeys and whatever those three bear-eared gorilla things are (Rob Schneider) is very annoyed that a coati and his Chinese stereotype sidekick have interrupted his daughter's birthday party, but his daughter (Amanda Troop) isn't too bothered because she thinks Chuy is adorable. They decide to sacrifice Manu to their "quartz god", and so their high priest actually summons a spirit from the underworld. No, really. Look at the screencap!

Y'know, I will say this about the movie: it's not good, but at least it's not boring either.

The sacrifice is interrupted by the arrival of Balaam, who scares off most of the monkeys. The king's daughter decides to save Manu and Chuy, showing them a secret exit door that leads to a temple full of Indiana Jones booby traps - up to and including a giant ball that they have to run from!

If somebody says "Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?!", I'm turning the movie off.

After getting out of the Temple of Doom, Manu, Chuy, and the king's daughter discover a bunch of humans chopping down trees. That sweaty guy from before is there, too. Manu and Chuy hitch a ride on the back of a truck that's going to Dr. Loco's lab, and eventually they spot the truck that Sacha is on... but it goes in a different direction and eventually winds up at a rickety-looking rope bridge over a gigantic chasm.

I'm getting anxious just LOOKING at the thing.

Manu and Chuy follow the truck across the bridge and manage to climb aboard, but the bridge collapses just before they can get to the other side. Long story short, the truck and its riders apparently make it to safety, but Manu and Chuy do not. Wow, did they just kill off the main character? Of course not, they grabbed a hanging branch on the way down, and after a run-in with a flock of bats, manage to land safely. Manu gets mad at Chuy again and storms off into a cave full of giant crystals.

Meanwhile, Artex somehow winds up inside a helicopter that Sweaty uses to get the "gene-fusion booster device" thingamajig to Dr. Loco. We get a fart joke, because we really needed that, didn't we?

I've got good news, though: the movie seems to be half-over.

Sacha, Tuana, Louca, and Kam manage to pop one of the truck's tires by throwing a nail at it, resulting in them needing to park so Helms (or, as Pacal calls him, Senor Jack) can force Pacal to fix the tire. Helms gets attacked by Balaam. As for Manu, he's walking through the cave being all "Oh, it's hopeless, I can't do it!" but then the magical white eagle appears to give him a pep talk. Voiced by Fred Tatasciore, he introduces himself as Cusumba, guardian of the jungle, he gives a big speech that goes like this: "The sun has given us life. And though we all look different, its light connects us all. And we all feed off its energy. Thousands of different species coexist in a natural balance. None of us is ever truly alone, not even you, Manu. The jungle was always there for you. Now, is is time for YOU to be there for THE JUNGLE. But you can not do this alone... and you don't have to. The jungle is not your only friend out there... is it?"

I have no idea what any of that meant. But it's Fred Tatasciore doing the voice, and I'm a huge fan of Fred's, so Cusumba is okay in my book.

"Oh, and use the force or something like that."

The helicopter lands at Dr. Loco's laboratory, so Sweaty can give Dr. Loco his gene-fusion booster whatever (the only one in the world!). He tests it out on a lizard, a frog, and duck, resulting in the creation of this thing:

That's it? A tiny lizard with wings and a rooster's comb? What kind of lizard/frog/duck hybrid creature is THAT?

Also, here's an amusing observation - Dr. Loco told Sweaty that he needed a female coati, a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar when Manu and Sacha were little. It's been years since then, as evidenced by Manu and Sacha now being teenagers. Sweaty and Helms sure took their sweet time getting him those animals (and doesn't he only have ONE toucan?). They must be huge procrastinators...

Then Helms shows up with Sacha, who Dr. Loco dubs the key to his formula. Meanwhile, Manu emerges from the cave and reunites with Chuy, who has enlisted the help of the monkeys from before. The king monkey explains that he, too, was once the humans' captive - Dr. Loco did experiments on him that gave him superintelligence, unimaginable pain, a way to speak to the "mighty quartz", and sugar cravings. But he managed to escape - minus his arm (and his dignity).

I actually didn't notice until now that he was missing an arm.

They sneak into Dr. Loco's laboratory, walk by a bunch of prison cells where other animals are held... and then the monkey king locks THEM in a cell, too. Wait, he's a bad guy now? Huh? What does he even have to gain from this?

Balaam is in the cell, too, but he doesn't want to eat them anymore. They watch as the humans take Sacha and Kam to Dr. Loco's lab. "Next time you see her, she'll have a jaguar tail!" the king monkey boasts. Fortunately, after everyone else leaves, Pacal sets Balaam, Manu, and Chuy free, showing them (and the audience) that not all humans are bad. It's just a select few. Just like in real life - for every Kevin Spacey, there's a Keanu Reeves or a Henry Winkler.

Manu and Chuy free all the other locked-up animals, and then Chuy pulls a lever that releases... this thing:

This thing, called a "Chimera" in the credits (and voiced by Fred Tatasciore as well), attempts to eat Artex, but Manu saves him. The Chimera tears up the place, draining the power from Dr. Loco's lab and sending Helms running for his life - which allows Manu, Chuy, and Balaam to sneak in. After dealing with Dr. Loco, the monkey king, and Sweaty, they try to free Sacha and Kam while Helms returns with a machine gun, only to get chased out by, y'know, the ferocious carnivorous big cat.

And a little purple monkey. That one's less justifiable.

As Manu is attempting to free Sacha and Kam from the machine that'll fuse them with a bunch of other animals (I don't see any CHICKENS in there, so don't ask me how this is going to create a super-chicken), Dr. Loco shows up in the helicopter and grabs the machine with a giant magnet - but in the process, Manu winds up pulling the lever that opens the hatch, freeing everyone except Sacha. Chuy tells the other monkeys that their king is in cahoots with the humans (apparently their paying him in candy makes up for their subjecting him to painful experiments), but before they can beat the crap out of him and Helms they manage to grab ahold of the machine as Dr. Loco flies overhead.

"We're gonna GO APE on you!"

"Uh, Larry? We're not apes, we're monkeys."

"I know, but I couldn't help myself..."

The bad guys get away, and then the Chimera shows up again. "He may look different, but he's one of us!" Manu claims. "I know what it's like to feel unwanted. You feel angry and alone. But none of us is ever truly alone." Yes, Manu actually manages to tame this savage beast. Eat your heart out, Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon!

Manu and the Chimera battle the bad guys while the other animals attack the humans who were cutting down the trees. Even Sacha gets in on the action by biting Helms' shoulder. Long story short, Manu rescues Sacha and the bad guys are forced to parachute out of the helicopter before it smashes into the chicken farm that they were having built... and land in a hill of fire ants. Dance party ending time!

So I guess the coati king is okay with Manu and Sacha being an item now?

What's the Verdict?

I do have to give this film credit for how unhinged it gets in the third act. Between the monkey king randomly becoming a twist villain, the presence of the Chimera, and the madcap climax, it's certainly much more fun to watch than anything I've seen in these obscure direct-to-video CGI films so far.

But the majority of the film isn't good enough to make getting to that third act worth it. The animation is better than it is in, say, Go Fish!, but that's not saying much. The animals (most of 'em, anyway, the jaguars are kind of iffy) look okay, but the humans look like they stepped out of a Playstation 3 game. The characters range from dull to unlikable to kind of annoying. Dr. Loco is kind of fun, but he doesn't get much screentime until (again) the third act. Most of the jokes aren't funny. The voice acting is a mixed bag - unsurprisingly, the professional voice actors (Fred Tatasciore, Brianne Brozey, Jessica DiCicco) all do well whereas the celebrities range from "well, at least they're TRYING" (Rob Schneider) to pointless (Drake Bell). So, no, as a whole I would not recommend watching Jungle Shuffle, but there are some good things I can say about it. There are worse animated films.

But wait, there's more! Since I recently uploaded my two hundredth review (this is review numero two hundred AND ONE!), and I love doing crossword puzzles, I thought it would be fun to create a crossword puzzle for those of you who read my blog to do. This allows you to test your knowledge regarding my blog and see how much you know about obscure cartoons and animated movies. And so, I present to you, The Animation and All Things Related Crossword Puzzle:

https://crosswordlabs.com/view/the-animation-and-all-things-related-crossword-puzzle

Remember, there's no shame in looking up any of the answers. I do it all the time!

Let's Watch This: "Treasure Planet" (2002)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Treasure Planet is one of those animated films that really deserved better. It was a passion project for John Musker and Ron Clements, who kept pitching an adaptation of Treasure Island IIIIIIIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE multiple times over the years (it wasn't until Roy E. Disney backed them up that Michael Eisner agreed to let them do the movie - right after Hercules was completed). They compiled a crew of very talented animators and actors. New technology was created for it - they took the "Deep Canvas" thing used for Tarzan and used it to create a process called "Virtual Sets", which allowed them to create entire 360-degree sets before they began staging the scenes. There were tie-ins with McDonald's, Pepsi-Cola, Kellogg's, and even Dreyer's - just like Finding Nemo after it, Treasure Planet had its own ice cream flavors!

And what happened? Despite the positive reviews from critics, the film was a box office bomb, making just $109.6 million on a $140 million budget, and promptly became a footnote in Disney history. WHY? Why didn't this film do better? Most people claimed it was because it was hand-drawn and not CGI like Shrek or Ice Age (the same explanation given as to why Atlantis, Brother Bear, and Home on the Range underperformed*). But y'know what OTHER animated film Disney released that year that was hand-drawn? Lilo and Stitch. And THAT made a ton of money. Another excuse given was "maybe the film just wasn't that good". But if being a crappy movie was all it took to be a box office bomb, why do so many of Disney's live action remakes make billions?

"Meega just made a billion dollars! Get ready for
a live action remake of Encanto, suckers!"

So why did Treasure Planet actually underperform? Well, for one thing, Disney released it in November 2002, around the same time as The Santa Clause 2 and the second Harry Potter movie. If you release your movie around the same time as a Harry Potter film, no duh it's not going to make much money (and yet Disney did THE EXACT SAME THING in 2011!). Apparently, the marketing wasn't great either - this video suggests that Disney might've actually sabotaged the film so they'd have an excuse to abandon hand-drawn animation.

John Musker suggested in an interview that a preview screening very close to 9/11 might've damaged the film: it's a film where "armed people take over a vessel", after all. He and Terry Rossio, who worked on the film's story, also offered the theory that maybe the film's turning Jim Hawkins into a moody teenager might've turned people off as well. As Terry put it, "Treasure Island, the book, is a boy's adventure, about a young cabin boy who matches wits with a crew of bloodthirsty pirates. All of the key scenes are made more dramatic by the fact that it's a young kid who is in danger, it's a kid who single-handedly steals the pirate ship and sails around the island, it's a kid who faces difficult choices and impossible tasks and somehow wins the day... imagine the trailer for Treasure Planet with an actual kid in that central role. A little kid fighting off alien pirates, a little kid going off into space, a little kid outwitting a cyborg named Silver. There's a kick there, an interest that you don't get with the sullen teen extreme sports guy."

I'm sorry that I didn't see Treasure Planet in theaters. I was very little, I didn't make the decisions on which animated films my family went to see in theaters (we DID see Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron and The Wild Thornberrys Movie in theaters that same year, so don't say we didn't do our part for hand-drawn animation!). In fact, for some reason, I never actually watched this film until... 2020 or 2021, I think? And I liked it. And now I'm going to watch it again, because I had a poll on DeviantArt for which movie my 200th review should be of and Treasure Planet got the most votes. This is Treasure Planet.

The movie starts off with narrator Tony Jay telling us that on the clearest of nights, when "the winds of the Etherium" were calm and peaceful, merchant ships carrying solar crystals were pursued by pirates. And the most feared of all these pirates - by which I mean "yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me, shiver me timbers, hook for a hand" pirates, not "I'm going to steal music off the internet" pirates - was the notorious Captain Flint. And no wonder, just LOOK at the guy!

"Hello, kids! I'll be seeing you all in your nightmares tonight!"

It's then revealed that this is all part of a storybook that young Jim Hawkins is reading. His mother, Sarah Hawkins (voiced by Laurie Metcalf), comes in and points out that he's supposed to be asleep, but she's no match for Jim's adorableness.

You probably noticed that there's a Stitch doll in Jim's bedroom. Considering that
this movie was made around the same time, the filmmakers probably didn't know how much
money Disney would make off of Stitch merchandise yet. Kind of funny when you think about it.

The book claims that after stealing all the loot from the merchant ships, Flint and his ship vanished without a trace. Legend has it that his treasure, "the riches of a thousand worlds", is hidden somewhere at the farthest reaches of the galaxy, on a planet known as... drum roll, please... Treasure Planet. Honestly, if Flint didn't want other people going after his treasure, maybe he shouldn't have hidden it on a planet with the word "TREASURE" in its name. He must be pretty stupid.

So after this cute moment of Jim Hawkins as a tyke, we cut to him as the aforementioned moody teenager, now voiced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He's flying around with his earring and his ponytail and his presumably leather jacket (these things don't make him "cool", they just make him look like a tool), doing something called "solar surfing" - basically parasailing but you're doing it in the air and apparently it could get you arrested.

"All this for a loaf of bread?"

We then cut to the Benbow Inn, owned and run by Mrs. Hawkins. It's here that we meet one of the film's most divisive characters (not THE most divisive, we'll get to him at some point in the third act) - the doglike Dr. Delbert Doppler, voiced by David Hyde Pierce. I've seen some folks online dub him annoying, but I personally don't have a problem with him. That design does take some getting used to, though...

I think Dr. Doppler is supposed to be this film's equivalent of Dr. Livesey from the original novel. I assume they renamed him because "Doppler" is a funnier word than "Livesey" is.

I wonder if he's the evolved form of a... whatever Goofy is.

The door to the inn swings open, revealing Jim and those two police robots, who tell Mrs. Hawkins that he was "operating a solar vehicle in a restricted area" - a violation of his probation. His solar surfer has been impounded and if he gets into any more mischief, he's getting a one-way ticket to Juvenile Hall.

When the police bots leave, Jim acts all emo and Mrs. Hawkins complains about all the run-ins with the law he's been having. She gives us some exposition about how Jim's been like this ever since his father left. Yep, the dad just... left. No explanation is given as to why. As Jim is being all angsty, he suddenly sees some sort of strange spacecraft land. When he approaches it, out pops this charming fellow:

"Heeeeeeeeeeee's a-comin'."

"Who? Long John Silver?"

"Worse. Bob Iger! As soon as Eisner gets kicked out, they're puttin' HIM in charge of
Disney! We're gonna get a ton of live action remakes and crappy replacements for beloved
Disney World attractions!"

This is Billy Bones (Patrick McGoohan), who rambles to Jim about how there's a fiendish cyborg after his treasure chest. Jim helps him into the inn, where he opens his chest and pulls out a strange round object wrapped in cloth.

"Beware the cybooooooooooorg..." he hisses just before he dies. And then ANOTHER ship approaches the Inn. Presumably, the folks on that ship aren't just there for a good meal...

"I hope this place has vegan options."

Jim, his mother, and Doppler make a run for it as the shadowy figures who emerged from the ship barge in and start ransacking the place, which leads to it being set on fire. Fortunately, they manage to get away. When Jim unwraps the strange round object wrapped in cloth, he discovers that it's some sort of spheric Rubix Cube - does ANYBODY know how to solve one of those things? I'VE certainly never been able to. Anyhow, he starts fiddling around with it and this happens...

Doppler identifies this strange light show as a map. He also identifies the planet that they're on, Montressor, on the map, as well as the Magellanic Cloud, the Coral Galaxy, the Cygnus Cross, the Kerian Abyss - and, of course, Treasure Planet. It's not just a legend after all! It exists!

"Mom, this is it! This is the answer to all our problems!" Jim exclaims. With that treasure, they could rebuild the inn! Mrs. Hawkins thinks this is all ridiculous, but Dr. Doppler's on board. He'll use his savings to finance the expedition, commission a ship, and hire a captain and crew. "All my life, I've been waiting for an opportunity like this!" he says. "And here it is, screaming, 'Go Delbert! Go Delbert!'"

I think this line was ad-libbed by David Hyde Pierce.

Mrs. Hawkins, of course, still thinks that this idea is insane, but Jim insists that this is his chance to make it up to her. And then Doppler goes all Calvin's Dad and says that a few months in space would build character.

The next day, Jim and Doppler head to the spaceport, which appears to be a model reused from one of those Star Wars video games. Their ship, the R.L.S. Legacy (tell me, what does "R.L.S." stand for?), is waiting for them, and upon boarding they encounter an alien who communicates... in fart noises. Yeah, I can't defend this scene. It's pretty cringe-worthy.

The crew is already assembled, too. This film's version of Mr. Arrow (voiced by Roscoe Lee Browne) is a rock monster (kind of like the Thing from the Fantastic Four), and instead of Captain Smollett, we have Captain Amelia, a literal catwoman voiced by Emma Thompson.

Can you believe that they rejected her audition for Cats?

Amelia tells Doppler that she'd like to have a word with him in her stateroom. Specifically, she wants to tell him not to mention the treasure map in front of the crew he hired, all of whom look and act like thugs... or, as she describes them, "a ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots". Doppler really should've known better than to listen to the little man who lives in his finger when he was hiring the crew. Hey, I had to make a Muppet Treasure Island joke at SOME point...

So, yeah. Amelia and Doppler aren't getting along. I guess you could say they're fighting like cats and dogs. Ba-dum-ksssh. Amelia says that Jim will be working with the ship's cook - Long John Silver, voiced by Brian Murray... who turns out to be a cyborg. The cool thing about this is that it's a 2D character with CGI limbs, something that I don't think has been done before. To test whether or not this would work, Glen Keane and the other animators took a pencil test of Captain Hook from Peter Pan and composited a CGI robotic arm onto it:

Neat, huh? Even though Jim is suspicious, Silver seems like a jovial sort, and anyone who pals around with a cute little pink blob of goo can't be all bad. Ah, yes, I should mention Morph (Dane A. Davis). Not to be confused with the Aardman character, Morph is one of the characters from the film who always stuck out the most to me. Actually, I think one of the kids in my preschool had a toy of him...

It took me until now to realize this, but... pirates usually have parrots as pets, right?
And parrots are known for mimicking people, right? And Morph's shtick is that
he can shapeshift into other characters and mimic them, right? Ergo, Morph is kind of
like a parrot.

"See to it the new cabin boy's kept busy," Mr. Arrow tells Silver. After he and Doppler leave, Jim starts interrogating Silver about how he met Billy Bones and how he warned him to "beware the cyborg", but Silver claims that it must have been a different cyborg. But for those of you who haven't read Treasure Island or seen any of the other movie adaptations, spoiler alert: Silver's a villain. Morph, on the other hand, doesn't have a bad bone in his body. Or ANY bones, it would seem.

The ship takes off... or should that be "sets sail"? Well, anyhow, it's off, flying through space among the dated CGI space whales...

Flying CGI whales? When did this turn into Fantasia 2000?

Silver puts Jim to work swabbing the deck, and the other members of the crew start menacing him. It seems that the leader of these rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves - and Silver's second-in-command - is Scroop (Michael Wincott), a scary spider-esque alien who, much like Captain Flint at the beginning, likely worked his way into children's nightmares after they saw this film.

Where's a can of Raid when you need it?

Fortunately, Mr. Arrow and Silver show up and get the others to knock it off. After Silver tells Morph to keep an eye on Jim, he heads down below to meet with the other crew members, revealing to the audience that he's their leader and they're planning a mutiny. "You just stick to the plan, you bug-brained twit!" he tells Scroop. "As for the boy, I'll run him so ragged he won't have time to think..."

We get a montage of Silver teaching Jim how to peel barnacles off the ship, tie knots, stuff like that, interspliced with flashbacks to Jim's youth, accompanied by a John Rzeznik song. It's clear that they're starting to warm up to each other, which is going to make Silver's mutiny plan difficult. And y'know what else is gonna make it difficult? A random supernova!

"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state..."

Everyone ties themselves down as the ship tries to get away, but eventually the star devolves into a black hole (insert reference to Disney's 1980s flop The Black Hole here) and starts sucking them in. Mr. Arrow even winds up falling off the ship, no thanks to Scroop cutting his rope. Alas, poor Mr. Arrow. I didn't even get to make an "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!" joke.

Sorry, Mr. Arrow. You're only allowed to survive if you're being played by Sam the Eagle.

The ship gets sucked in... and then Disney Plus decided to throw a bunch of ads at me. Great timing, guys... and the ship escapes, riding the next cosmic wave or whatever to safety. Downside: Scroop claims that Mr. Arrow fell off because "his lifeline was not secure", and Jim blames himself because he checked them all. "I screwed up!" he whines. "I mean, for two seconds, I thought that maybe I could do something right, but... AUGH! I just... just forget it. Forget it." "Now you listen to me, James Hawkins," Silver says. "You got the makings of greatness in ya, but you've gotta take the helm and chart your own course. Stick to it, no matter the squalls... and when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of... well, I hope I'm there... catchin' some of the light comin' off ya that day."

I keep forgetting that his arm is CGI. That's quite an accomplishment, seeing how
dated most of the CGI in this film looks...

The next morning, we get that scene where Jim is in the barrel and overhears Silver and the crew talking about their mutiny. Silver calls out Scroop for disobeying his orders and killing Mr. Arrow, but Scroop knows how to push Silver's buttons. All he has to do is say that Silver's got a soft spot for Jim and Silver snaps, "Now, mark me, the lot of ya... I care about one thing and one thing only - Flint's trove! You think I'd risk it all for the sake of some nose-wiping little whelp?! I cozied up to that kid to keep him off our scent!"

...OUCH. Just... OUCH.

"Boy, I hope that kid isn't within earshot of us. Wouldn't it be troubling if he overheard
you talking about how you were just playing him like a fiddle? I mean..."

"SHUT YOUR TRAP! That only happens in movies!"

Suddenly, the alien in the crow's nest (Onus, voiced by Corey Burton) declares that Treasure Planet is in sight. When Silver heads back down to get his spyglass, he encounters Jim, who sticks a knife in his mechanical pegleg. Dang, I don't recall Jim Hawkins doing that in the original book. Then again, it's been years since I've read it...

"Change in plans, lads! We move NOW!" Silver shouts. The pirates all get mutiny-ing, but Jim has told Amelia and Doppler about Silver's plan, so they're ready for them. Amelia tells Jim to protect the map, and they make a run for the longboats. Unfortunately, Morph decides to be Mr. Mischevious and steal the map for himself. This leads to a scene where he gets caught in the middle between Jim and Silver, both of whom are begging him to give him the map. It's played for laughs, but it actually provides some insight for Morph's character. Who knew one of the most complex characters in the movie would be a floating pink blob?

Long story short, Morph hides with the map in a barrel. Jim reaches in and grabs it, then runs off. Silver lifts his gun at him, but can't bring himself to shoot. They get away in a longboat, but a laser ball from a cannon fired by one of the pirates knocks them off-course and they land in a forest of what appears to be floating mushrooms. Amelia is injured. On the bright side, they have the map... or DO they?

"Psych!"

It was Morph the whole time! Apparently, he hid the actual map back on the ship. Amelia has Jim search for a more defensible position before the pirates show up, leaving Doppler to tend to her injuries. So Jim and Morph head into the bowels of Dagobah, unaware that they're being watched. After a jumpscare, we are introduced to B.E.N. (which stands for "Bio-Electronic Navigator"). He's a robot who was once under the employment of Captain Flint. After he helped Flint bury his treasure, he took out B.E.N.'s primary memory circuit so he wouldn't remember where the treasure was - ensuing that NOBODY other than him knew where it was.

Y'know how I said Doppler was one of the film's most divisive characters? Well, B.E.N. is THE most divisive. I often see people who otherwise liked the film badmouthing him. As for me, I think he can be a bit much, but I stomach him fine for the most part. I'm probably just biased because he's voiced by Martin Short, an actor who I really like. The main problem with B.E.N., I find, is that Martin Short was seemingly directed to shout a good chunk of his lines. Shouting is not automatically funny. But to be fair, if you were stranded on a deserted planet for who knows how long, you'd probably be a bit off your rockers too.

"Bite my shiny metal [CENSORED]!"

Jim and Morph take pity on B.E.N. and allow him to tag along with them - which works out quite well for them, because B.E.N.'s house is exactly the great hiding place that they need! Once they're safe inside, Doppler notices that the markings on the walls are identical to the ones on the map. "I suspect these are the hylogriphic remnants of an ancient culture," he muses. Alas, B.E.N. winds up giving away their hiding spot to the pirates... in his defense, he didn't know they were the guys they were supposed to be hiding from.

"Hide me! There are a bunch of Disney executives coming our way! They want me to play
Jack Frost in their crappy third Santa Clause movie!"

Silver arrives, tells the other pirates to stop blasting, and waves a white flag. Amelia guesses that Silver wants to bargain for the map... which means that he thinks they still have it. When Jim emerges, Silver tells him that he didn't mean any of that "I don't care about the boy, I'm just trying to throw him off our trail, honest" stuff. "If we play our cards right, we can both walk away from this rich as kings," he claims. "You get me that map, and an even portion of the treasure is yours." Jim still doesn't trust him, though, and declares that he's gonna make sure Silver doesn't see even one piece of that treasure.

"And then I'm gonna listen to Linkin Park and complain about how much I hate
the world on the internet! And other things that moody teenagers do!"

"Oh, you still don't know how to pick your fights, do you, boy?" Silver snarls. "Now, mark me... either I get that map by dawn tomorrow, or so help me, I'll use the ship's cannons to BLAST YOU ALL TO KINGDOM COME!" As for Morph, he's so frightened by Silver's outburst that he decides to stick with Jim.

As for Amelia, Doppler hasn't been much help. He's an astronomer, not a doctor... well, he's not THAT kind of doctor, he has a doctorate, it's not the same thing. He and Jim mope about how they're pretty much trapped, but then B.E.N. reveals that there's a back door that serves as an entryway to the miles and miles of machinery that run through the entire course of the inside of Treasure Planet. Advantage: good guys.

Jim's plan is to sneak back to the ship, disable the laser cannons, and bring back the map. After stealing the pirates' longboat, they sneak aboard the ship, and B.E.N. races off to disable the cannons... which is going to be hard since there are so many wires in the ship's control panel to choose from.

Word of advice, B.E.N. - it's usually the red wire. Or maybe it's the green one?

Jim and Morph get the map, but B.E.N. accidentally sets off an alarm, resulting in them getting caught by Scroop. The film basically turns into Alien...

I've never actually seen Alien, so I'm not sure what joke to make here...

And then B.E.N. disables the ship's artificial gravity, sending Jim flying up to the crow's nest. He manages to grab the ship's flag, Scroop crawling up behind him, but thanks to some quick climbing-down skills on Jim's part, it's SCROOP who winds up flying off into outer space. Sayanora, Scroop.

B.E.N. turns the gravity back on and disables the laser cannons, then he, Jim, and Morph return to B.E.N.'s house where Amelia and Doppler are waiting. But guess who's there waiting for them? Silver and the pirates!

Dun dun dun!

Silver finds himself unable to open the map (like I said before, it's like a Rubik's Cube - NOBODY knows how to solve one!), so he has Jim do it for him or else he'll shoot Doppler and Amelia. The map shows them the way to the treasure... or rather, to absolutely nothing. Or maybe the treasure is just invisible? Or somebody already found it and claimed it? Or maybe the real treasure was actually friendship all along?

Or maybe the treasure is actually that magnificent view.

As the pirates start throwing a fit over the lack of treasure, Jim finds a small divot in the ground where he's supposed to place the map, resulting in the creation of a holographic globe, which is promptly followed by a tear in the fabric of space and time! Makes sense to ME, I don't know why YOU'RE confused...

"Would anyone else like to enter the Fly of Despair?"

Actually, Jim says that it's a portal to the Lagoon Nebula, which is halfway across the galaxy. If he keeps pressing buttons on the globe, it shows him other locations, including his home planet's spaceport. "So THAT'S how Flint did it!" he comments. "He used this portal to roam the universe, stealing treasure." But where is the treasure now? Jim theorizes that it's the center of the mechanism - and by "mechanism", he means the planet. I feel like the whole "you have to dig for it" answer was pretty obvious, I mean, it's called buried treasure for a reason.

Problem is, the planet's surface is as hard as a rock. You can't get to the center by digging, you have to use the portal. So they do that and find the treasure. Huzzah. Time to channel Scrooge McDuck.

"DuckTales, woo-hoo!"

While the pirates bask in their riches, Jim spots Captain Flint's ship and tells B.E.N. that they're getting out of there and they're not leaving empty-handed. Climbing aboard the ship, they find Captain Flint's skeleton (I'll spare you the screencap), still clutching B.E.N.'s primary memory circuit. Jim puts it back in B.E.N.'s head, resulting in B.E.N. getting his memory back... and then remembering that there's a booby trap. To make absolutely sure that nobody would get their hands on his treasure even if they found it, Flint rigged it so that if anyone found it, the whole planet would blow sky-high.

Well, I guess it's easier than just putting a giant lock on the place...

Some sort of laser beam starts cutting the entire room in half, creating a giant chasm that the treasure - and a few pirates - falls into. Jim starts hotwiring the ship's controls, telling B.E.N. to go back and help Amelia and Doppler. Speaking of them, Doppler's wrists manage to slip out of the ropes binding them, and he manages to outwit the pirate guarding them. Go, Delbert! Go, Delbert!

Meanwhile, Silver finds himself in a situation where he needs to choose between rescuing Jim and saving the treasure. He chooses Jim, of course. "Just a lifelong obsession, Jim. I'll get over it," he claims. B.E.N., Amelia, and Doppler show up with the ship, having defeated the remaining pirates, and Jim, Silver, and Morph climb aboard. The day is saved, right?

Well, no... the mizzen sail is destroyed, and the thrusters are only working at thirty-percent of capacity. That means they'll never clear the planet's explosion in time! "We've gotta turn around," Jim says. "There's a portal back there! It can get us out of here!" With Silver's help, he manages to build a makeshift hoverboard and flies off to change the portal's destination from a fiery inferno to... I don't know, the Bahamas? I hear it's lovely this time of year...

"Extreme sports skillz, don't fail me now!"

Of course, Jim pulls it off and they manage to escape. Oh, and by the way, Amelia and Doppler have the hots for each other now. Yes, it IS possible for a dog to fall in love with a cat.

"Do you believe in interspecies dating?"

"Well, I've dated some DOGS before, if that's what you mean..."

Amelia says that she'd be proud to recommend Jim to the Interstellar Academy. As for Silver, he and Morph are currently trying to steal a lifeboat before they get back to the spaceport and he gets, y'know, put on trial and thrown in the slammer. "You never know when to quit, do you?" Jim asks. But, of course, he decides to look the other way. Silver offers him the chance to join them, but he says he's gonna chart his own course. "You're somethin' special, Jim," Silver tells him. "You're gonna rattle the stars someday." Before he heads off, he tells Morph he can stay with Jim and gives him the treasure he managed to salvage so he and his mom can rebuild the inn.

Jim and his friends return home, and the inn is indeed rebuilt. B.E.N. works there now. Jim is now part of the Interstellar Academy. And Doppler and Amelia have had four kids. There was apparently a line here that revealed Doppler gave birth to them, but it was cut. Probably for the best, there's some things about his biology that I don't need to know.

If anyone else out there has the book Disney 365 Bedtime Stories (the 2004 edition),
it actually features a story about the kids.

So all's well that ends well. Everybody dances (B.E.N.'s got some slick moves!) and Jim looks up into the night sky and sees a cloud that looks like Silver's head. The end.

What's the Verdict?

So that's Treasure Planet, and while I wouldn't say it's John Musker and Ron Clements' BEST movie (it's got some heavy competition, after all), it's a pretty good movie. The animation is great - well, the hand-drawn stuff, anyway, most of the CGI is pretty dated. I like the characters, with the exception of that alien that spoke in fart noises, who I could've done without. The passion that the filmmakers had for this idea really shines through, there's a genuine heart to it that a lot of recent movies, Disney or otherwise, lack.

What's my biggest problem with the movie? Well, I think Terry Rossio and John Musker are on to something with the film's portrayal of Jim Hawkins being a turn-off for audiences. I dunno, I didn't find moody teenage rebel Jim Hawkins that engaging, especially since he's surrounded by far more colorful side characters. Was this solely why the film underperformed? No. I still think it was a combination of the lousy release date, the films it was up against (even then, I'm still not sure why people chose to see The Santa Clause 2 instead), and the clumsy marketing. If it had been fully CGI or even live action, it still would've underperformed.

But, until we invent time travel and we can go back to 2002 and ensue that the film does at least a LITTLE better at the box office (enough to be considered profitable, it doesn't need to be an Ice Age-level hit), the best we can do for Treasure Planet is raise awareness of it so folks who've never seen the film before will seek it out. You can find it on Disney Plus, after all.

* I have a book about the animation studio Disney opened in Florida that claims the "people don't like hand-drawn animation anymore" mindset actually got started in 1995, because Pocahontas didn't make as much money as Toy Story. Make of that what you will.