Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Donkey Kong Country"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

I'll be honest, I've never played an actual Donkey Kong game. My experience with Donkey Kong basically amounts to my usually choosing to play as him when I play Mario Kart Wii (it's always either him or Yoshi. I think it mainly stems from the fact that I love animals). So if you're going into this review wondering how faithful the show is to the games... well, I can't tell you that.

But what I can tell you is that Donkey Kong Country was co-produced by Nelvana, Medialab Studio L.A. (the first season, at least), and WIC Entertainment, with the participation of Teletoon. It premiered in France on September 4th, 1996, then aired in America on Fox Family starting I think some time in August 1997. And here's an interesting fact for you - it was one of the first television shows to be animated with motion capture technology.

The show takes place on Kongo Bongo Island, where Donkey Kong (voiced by Richard Yearwood) and his best pal Diddy Kong (Andrew Sabiston) protect a magical artifact known as the Crystal Coconut from the villainous King K. Rool (Ben Campbell), who wants to steal it so he can take over the island, and his Kremlin army. Other characters include the cantankerous Cranky Kong (Aron Tager), the laid-back Jamacian accented Funky Kong (Damon D'Oliveira), K. Rool's twin brother Kaptain Skurvy (Ron Rubin), and D.K.'s short-tempered love interest who looks nothing like she did in the games, Candy Kong (Joy Tanner). Forty episodes were produced, and each of them features two songs.

Maybe this CGI looked impressive back in the 1990s, but nowadays... yeesh.

Since its cancellation, the show has gained a reputation for being "So Bad It's Good", with its fanbase loving it for its bizarre animation and writing. As for me, I've never seen a single episode - again, never played any of the games, so I didn't have much motivation to seek it out - until today. Is Donkey Kong Country worth going ape over? Why don't we watch the sixth episode, "Booty and the Beast", and find out?

The episode begins with a pirate ship that, judging from the crocodile-shaped mast, must belong to the aforementioned Kaptain Skurvy. And sure enough, it does! And he launches into a musical number... jeez, we're getting our first song already?

Okay, well, is it at least a good song? Not really. Kaptain Skurvy isn't much of a singer, and the incredibly awkward dance moves that he and his crew pull off during the song aren't doing it any favors either. I also find myself distracted by Skurvy's bare chest. Why does he have pecs? Isn't he a REPTILE?

Lagoona Gator sure fell on hard times after getting kicked out of Typhoon Lagoon...

The ship pulls up to Kongo Bongo Island, then we see Cranky Kong inside his hut, lamenting that nobody ever comes to visit him. Suddenly a cannonball comes flying through his front door. Kaptain Skurvy barges in and demands that Cranky hand over the Crystal Coconut, soon followed by his crew members - all two of them - and his parrot, Polly Roger (Rick Jones). Methinks Kaptain Skurvy isn't very creative when it comes to naming his pets.

No, seriously, why does Skurvy have pecs? He's a crocodile! I don't care if they call him
a "Kremlin", he's for all intents and purposes a crocodile! Crocodiles should not have pecs!

Skurvy claims that his great-great-great-grandfather, also named Skurvy, stashed the Crystal Coconut on Kongo Bongo Island. "I don't have the coconut, Squid Breath! Now get out of my house!" Cranky exclaims, but Polly manages to open up the globe that Cranky keeps the Crystal Coconut inside. Although it looks less like a "Crystal Coconut" and more like a disco ball to me...

I like how the "legs" of the globe are bananas. That's a nice detail.

Cranky is all "You can't have it!" and Skurvy is all "We're taking it and you can't stop us, muah-ha-ha!" and then guess who shows up?

So now it's time for an epic battle between Donkey Kong, Diddy, Cranky, and the pirates, right? Well, no. D.K. just knocks Skurvy out with ease and then we cut to the outside of Cranky's hut as we hear the pirates getting beaten up. And then the pirates run out in a panic. This is why pirate captains should have crews that consist of more than two members.

"RUN AWAY! THEY'RE STARTING UP AN AWFUL MUSICAL NUMBER ABOUT
BANANAS!"

Unbeknownst to the pirates and D.K., King K. Rool is spying on them with a telescope. And now that he knows where the Crystal Coconut is, he and his Kremlin army can finally get their hands on it!

Oh, and K. Rool has pecs too. Could we please NOT give reptiles pecs? It's grossing me out...

Here's a joke for you: what do you call a crocodile who's also a detective? An investi-gator.
Ba-dum ksssssssssh.

And what is his newest plan to steal the Crystal Coconut? He shall fire his minion, Klump, out of a cannon, sending him right into Cranky's hut so he can grab the coconut. And Klump is also tied to a bungee cord, so as soon as he grabs it he'll be whisked right back to where K. Rool is before the Kongs can do anything to stop him. And guess what? It actually WORKS!

If you're gonna give the reptiles pecs, could you at least give them some shirts
to wear too? I don't like looking at their pecs...

Cranky tells D.K. to get the Crystal Coconut back. Here's a question, Cranky... why don't YOU get the coconut back? Why is it all up to D.K.?

We then cut to the Bluster Barrelworks Factory, where Candy is working hard making barrels. As she's working, another Kong named Bluster (Donald Burda) barges in and DEAR LORD WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!

Seriously, that is one ugly-looking ape (both of them are pretty freaky-looking now that I think about it), even for this show and its awful CGI. The body isn't too bad, but that HEAD... why does it hardly have any fur? And why that hairdo? And that mustache... yeesh. It doesn't even look like a gorilla as much as it looks like some sort of weird halfway point between gorilla and human.

Okay, so Bluster's shtick is that he's an arrogant, self-absorbed windbag who runs the barrel factory and has the hots for Candy. He was not in the games, they created him for the show. Oddly, he and D.K. seem to be the only apes on the island who don't wear clothes. I mean, D.K. has a tie and Bluster has cuffs, but that's about it. I know it really doesn't matter whether or not they wear clothes since, y'know, they're apes, but it's a bit of a headscratcher...

K. Rool comes in and declares that he and his army are seizing the factory because he has the Crystal Coconut. Bluster promptly starts groveling in front of him, which is meant to show that he's a massive coward, but to be fair, the Crystal Coconut is a powerful artifact that can grant wishes, so it's not like Bluster's fear is unwarranted. K. Rool could easily use the Crystal Coconut to wish that Bluster's head would explode or something. Even ignoring that, K. Rool and his army are, again, for all intents and purposes CROCODILES. Even without that coconut, K. Rool could just bite Bluster's head off with his powerful jaws.

Come to think of it, why didn't he just do that? Knock on Cranky's door, bite his head off as soon as he answers it, and then steal the coconut? Well, I mean, obviously he'd never get away with that on a kids' show, but still...

I'm just now noticing that K. Rool doesn't have a tail. That can't just be the only thing
separating Kremlins from crocodiles, since the other Kremlins we've seen so far DO have tails,
so what's K. Rool's deal? Is this explained in another episode?

K. Rool explains his plan - they'll reconfigure the factory to manufacture thousands of EXPLODING barrels. He'll stockpile so much ammunition that no one will stand in his way. Then he shall "blast the apes back to the Stone Age". And then... I don't know, profit?

The factory starts making exploding barrels as K. Rool stands there cackling, and then we cut back to Cranky's hut... where D.K., Diddy, and Cranky are still just standing there talking about how they need to get the coconut back. Why aren't they, y'know, DOING JUST THAT? Why did they not immediately chase after K. Rool when he ran off with the coconut? What, did they need to eat lunch first or something?

"WHAT?! Illumination Entertainment cast FRED ARMISEN to do my voice in
The Super Mario Brothers Movie?!"

There seems to be a flaw in K. Rool's plan, however - the exploding barrels go ka-boom before they're even off the assembly line, thanks to the stamper that stamps an "OK" on the top. As soon as it makes impact, the barrel blows up. So now K. Rool can't actually USE them to "blast the apes back to the Stone Age". Oddly enough, however, K. Rool seems to be actually PLEASED by the barrels blowing up. Is watching barrels explode just how he gets his kicks?

Oh, goody, I have something new to be freaked-out by - D.K.'s teeth.

D.K. and Diddy show up at the factory. "Time for you to take a walk, K. Rool!" D.K. declares. "And leave the coconut behind while you're at it!" Diddy adds. Clearly trash-talking is not their strong suit. Why not "We're gonna go ape on you!" or "How about a little gorilla warfare?!" or something?

And how does K. Rool react to D.K. and Diddy's threatening him? He starts pressing random buttons on the control panel, of course! I'm starting to think that even HE doesn't know what he's doing by this point...

"What does THIS button do?! What does THIS button do?! What does THIS button do?!"

More barrels start going off, and in the chaos K. Rool and Klump run out of the factory and hop into a nearby mine car. Also, they've taken Bluster as their hostage. D.K. and Diddy pursue them into the mine.

Is it weird that I think Seth Rogen actually fits Donkey Kong better than the voice they gave him here?

I dunno, I just think Seth's voice sounds more fitting for a big gorilla. Richard Yearwood's
voice for D.K. just sounds like some guy off the street.

Bluster does something useful for once and threatens K. Rool and Klump with a blunderbuss he finds in the mine cart. He actually intimidates them... for a few seconds. Then Klump throws the Crystal Coconut at him, knocking him out of the mine cart. Congratulations, you just got rid of the thing you came to the island to steal in the first place! Even K. Rool yells at Klump for his stupidity.

Upon seeing D.K. and Diddy in the mine cart behind them, K. Rool uses the blunderbuss, which unleashes... some sort of blue dots that eat the mine cart? Huh?

Even D.K. and Diddy look confused by this.

K. Rool and Klump get away, but Bluster has the Crystal Coconut so... mission accomplished, I guess? But when D.K. and Diddy return it to Cranky, he tells them they can't come in. Because the pirates... remember them? They're still in this episode... came back and they're holding him hostage. And for whatever reason, Cranky doesn't just say "You can't come in because the pirates are back and they're holding me hostage!", he just says they can't come in without giving them a reason.

I'm not one hundred percent sure what the pirates' plan is here, seeing as D.K., Diddy,
and Cranky took them down no problem earlier in the episode...

D.K. and Diddy walk in, and despite the fact that D.K. was able to defeat Skurvy and his crew with ease earlier, he's suddenly powerless against them and allows them to steal the coconut and run out with it. Now they have to get the coconut back again.

So, just a recap... this episode's plot is literally just "CHARACTER A tries to steal the coconut. Donkey Kong stops them. CHARACTER B tries to steal the coconut. Donkey Kong stops them. CHARACTER A comes back and tries to steal the coconut again. Donkey Kong stops them again." Did we really need TWO villains in this episode? Why not JUST Kaptain Skurvy or JUST King K. Rool? Actually, why not JUST King K. Rool? He's a lot more engaging than Kaptain Skurvy...

Anyhow, D.K. and Diddy locate the pirate ship with the help of Funky Kong and his airplane...

This is Funky Kong.

…and then Funky just pushes them out of the airplane, sending them falling from a very large height down to the deck of the ship. I sure hope they weren't HORRIBLY INJURED from such a fall, Funky. Way to be a jerk. Heck, he doesn't even land the plane and help them fight the pirates! He just flies off laughing. What a tool!

And apparently D.K. and Diddy didn't think up, you know, some sort of PLAN to get the coconut back, because the pirates surround them and stuff them in barrels so that Skurvy can toss them overboard as soon as he finds some shark-infested waters. Fortunately, as soon as the pirates leave, THIS THING shows up:

Hellooooooooooooooo, new nightmare fuel.

From what I can gather, this thing is a Klaptrap (Ron Rubin). Wikipedia describes them as "small crocodiles who like to eat wooden surfaces in a manner similar to termites". Unfortunately, this one can't eat the wooden barrels that D.K. and Diddy are stuck in because he has no teeth... Skurvy stole them and threw them in the crow's nest. He sings an awful song in which he tries to make a deal with them - he'll unlock the chains that are keeping them stuck in the barrel, and in return they'll help him get his teeth back.

It's kind of incredible that Bluster has done more to defeat the bad guys in this episode
than D.K. has.

Donkey Kong scarfs down a pile of bananas that the pirates have for whatever reason - apparently bananas are to D.K. what spinach is to Popeye - and now it's pirate-defeating time.

Say hello to Curious George's steroids-addicted cousin, Furious George.

After D.K. and Diddy take down two of the pirates, Skurvy tries to use a cannon on them... only for the cannonball to fly up to the crow's nest, where the Klaptrap, who has found his teeth, devours it... WAIT A MINUTE! I thought Klaptraps ate WOOD. I'm pretty sure cannonballs aren't made of wood.

Well, whatever, the Klaptrap eats the ship, and the pirates wind up sitting on a poorly-rendered rock...

Even the early VeggieTales videos had better graphics than this...

D.K. and Diddy reflect on the events of the episode, then Klaptrap shows up and assures them that he won't eat the Crystal Coconut (why would he? I don't think the Crystal Coconut is made of wood either) because he's not in the mood for dessert... YET. Then he laughs hysterically at the camera, ending the episode on a somewhat creepy note.

"I'll be seeing you all in your nightmares tonight!"

What's the Verdict?

I had really small expectations going in, so I will say that Donkey Kong Country isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I would not, however, call it good. The animation is awful. Typical of motion capture, the characters move really awkwardly and the textures are laughably bad. None of the jokes are funny. The characters are uninteresting, with Donkey Kong himself having very little personality to speak of other than "kind of dimwitted" and Diddy having even less. The only character I sorta liked was King K. Rool, he was actually kind of fun to watch. And the songs are terrible. I'm not just singling out the ones in this episode, I've listened to a couple of the other songs this show featured and they're not any better (I think my least favorite is probably D.K. and Candy's weird love ballad about their love being stronger than a golden banana). Even if you're a fan of the games, I don't think Donkey Kong Country is really worth your time. I didn't even find it "So Bad It's Good".

Oh, but don't take my word for it. Here's one of the songs from another episode of the show, this one performed by Funky about aliens. Listen to this and then tell me with a straight face that it's a good song:

I will say this, though - I don't hate the idea of giving a Donkey Kong cartoon another try. Like I said, I've never played any of the games, so I'm not super-familiar with the franchise, but from what little I do know about it, I think there's enough material, characters, and settings to make a really fun cartoon out of it... or even a movie, especially with how successful The Super Mario Brothers Movie has been (by the way, I haven't seen that movie myself. I'm going to watch it when it comes on demand - I'd rather not pay to see it in theaters because I'm still miffed by how they snubbed Charles Martinet).

Oh, by the way... yes, I know this wasn't technically the first Donkey Kong cartoon. The character also appeared in a segment that was part of a 1983 cartoon called Saturday Supercade. But we'll look at that show another time. I think he was also in an episode or two of Captain N: The Game Master, but I'd rather not touch that show with a ten-foot pole.