Let's Watch This: "Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond" (2016)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Well, here we go. The sequel to Frog Kingdom, a movie that as you know I found to be total crap. So why am I reviewing a sequel to a movie I don't like? Because it exists, and SOMEBODY has to do it. Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Either or.

There's very little information about this movie online. Apparently, it was originally called The Frog Kingdom 2: Sub-Zero Mission but they changed the name for some reason. Peng Fei and Zheng Liguo directed and produced it, and it doesn't seem like any of the voices from the original returned. For one thing, Freddie (the annoying male lead) and One-Eye (that drill sergeant frog who was secretly in league with the evil snake) are now voiced by the guys from SMOSH. Reminder: Rob Schneider said "yes" to Jungle Shuffle, Norm of the North, Dino Time, and the FIRST Frog Kingdom but he said "no" to THIS. That's not a good sign, is it?

Okay, okay. I shouldn't assume the film is bad just because it's a sequel to a film I know is bad, should I? Maybe there's something of substance here. Let's watch Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond and find out.

The first thing this film does is take a wrecking ball to the fourth wall. Two frogs appear and start talking about the humans in the audience. The fat frog is worried that the humans will eat them. Don't worry, fat frog, you're safe around me - I've never eaten a frog. I don't care how good their legs supposedly taste.

"You'd think these people would have better things to do than sit here reading a blog about animation."

"Hey, it's the internet. They could be doing a lot worse."

"Good point. At least they're not looking at social media..."

After deciding that we, the viewers, are friendly, the frogs decide to introduce us to the Frog Kingdom. A narrator then shows up and says, "In a world far, far away from human beings, there is a beautiful place called Frog Kingdom. For thousands of years, the frog clan has lived here... full of joy, and wonder... what a wonderful life they have." Y'know, aside from the evil snake who tried to freeze them all not long ago.

Little do the happy frogs of Frog Kingdom know that there's a conspiracy afoot. But we'll have to learn more about the conspiracy later. For now, we cut to Princess Froglegs... now just called Frog Princess and voiced by Ambyr Childers as opposed to Bella Thorne... doing some archery practice. Her target is walking Aladdin reference Prince Froggie Ababwa (now voiced by Jon Lovitz), presumably for no other reason than because she thinks it's funny to make him nervous.

Who does she think she is, William Tell?

Then another frog shows up and gives the General a message. Something about a "Crystal Frog". Oh yeah, and Froglegs' pal Bestie from the previous movie is there, too. But she's orange now for some reason.

We then cut to the palace, where the Frog King (Jay Sheldon as opposed to Keith David) is being told about this strange "Crystal Frog". Froglegs (yeah, I'm still calling her that. I don't care if she's just called "Frog Princess" in the movie) shows up after he gives the order to set up an emergency team to investigate the situation. The Frog King doesn't want to tell her about the "Crystal Frog" because she's still too young to know about the family's biggest secret. Too young? I call bullfrogcrap. Wasn't Froglegs the one who saved their village from the aforementioned evil snake? Of course, Freddie and the king fought the snake too, but Froglegs did just as much work in that situation as they did. I think she's capable of dealing with this "Crystal Frog", whatever it is.

"Yeah, I know you saved our village and all, but I still don't think you're ready to deal with
the Crystal Frog. Sorry, them's the breaks..."

Froglegs and the king argue some more, then Froglegs storms off in a huff and the king laments that she can't control her temper. We then cut to Freddie, now Anthony Padilla as opposed to Cameron Dallas, and his tadpole buddy Boogie, who run into the musclebound frog who was probably on steroids and the sunglasses-wearing frog with the mohawk from the first movie (now voiced by Chi-Ren Choong and Joshua Johan). Their names are revealed to be Muscles and Devo - the latter of which makes me feel obligated to include this in the review...

Okay, so Muscles and Devo tell them that Inspector Noggin, the dimwitted frog who was tasked with finding Froglegs in the first movie, summoned them to the Frog Kingdom. Something about a "Crystal Frog", and when Muscles looked it up online, he couldn't find anything. Wait, frogs have access to the internet now? Do they have tiny computers or something?

Although, access to the internet does explain how these frogs who supposedly live far, far away
from human beings know about Pinocchio, French bistros, Indiana Jones, and Vanilla Ice.

When they get to the Frog Kingdom, an earthquake hits out of nowhere.  Buildings crumble, a tree falls, and these evil amphibians who Freddie identifies as "the Big Four" attack, accompanied by a pangolin. After the bad frogs leave, the princess shows up and both Freddie and Ababwa go gaga for her. Freddie even gets a flashback of clips from the first movie set to romantic music!

You'd think she'd be happy to see him, too, since she fell in love with him in the first movie. Oddly enough, she isn't.

"Come on, I only went on ONE date with the Charo toad from Thumbelina! You know my heart
belongs to you!"

Actually, she's miffed because Freddie just left at the end of the first movie instead of marrying her and allowing her to have his tadpoles. Before she can beat him to a pulp, however, the messenger frog gives her a flyer - the very same flyer that has her father so concerned. Clearly, the Big Four want the Crystal Frog. But she ain't gonna stand for that, no sir.

A frog named HuHu shows the king a map to the fabled "Holy Land", where this Crystal Frog can apparently be found. The trek there is very, very dangerous, but the Frog King knows that his frog warrior squad can do it.

Hey, isn't that frog with the boxing gloves a character from Cuphead?

The king explains to them what their mission is: "Long, long ago, frogs had no need to hibernate in winter. But surviving the chilly winter without food was a major concern. So our ancestors created a magical artifact - the Crystal Frog. It let us hibernate in winter and protected us from the freezing cold. It's hidden in the mysterious Holy Land. The crystal balances our ecology - the gate to the Holy Land opens once every one hundred years to absorb energy from the earth and sky. But that moment is the most dangerous. Should the Crystal Frog be removed from its holy sanctuary, its energy will dissipate, and the entire frog race will face extinction. That's why we need to protect it. The one hundred year mark is approaching." Okay, everybody get all that?

The king gives Freddie the map to the Holy Land, and Freddie says that he'll lead the mission on one condition: that Ababwa join them. Which is weird, seeing as they hate each other. Then again, if they encounter some gigantic frog-eating monster on the way there, they could use Ababwa as a sacrifice. "Once you enter the Holy Land, remember these..." the Frog King says. "One frog to protect home. One red heart to stand firm. One chance to take. Humbleness is the only truth." Oy, a riddle. Can't you just say "Do [THIS] because [THAT] will happen if you don't" or whatever?

So off Freddie, Ababwa, Muscles, Boogie, Devo, and Boxing Gloves Frog head to the Holy Land, only for Froglegs to interrupt them and interrogate them as to what's going on. They tell her that they're on a mission to protect the Crystal Frog, and she's baffled that the king would put Freddie in charge since he's supposedly a coward. Y'know, a coward who helped save the kingdom from the EVIL SNAKE. Also, Ababwa says that Freddie almost wet his pants when the king gave him the mission... even though Freddie doesn't wear pants.

See? No pants.

"Just to make sure this cowardly frog doesn't run away, I'm going with you!" the princess declares. And when the king finds out that his daughter is missing, he orders Noggin to find her. Because he was SOOOOOOOOO much help with that in the first movie, right?

First, the good guys travel through the oh-so-cheerily-named Black Forest, which actually isn't as scary as the name implies. There's even a frog resort in it - the Stick To Your Ribbets Resort, and guess who runs this resort?

If you guessed "that sleazy one-eyed frog who was in league with the evil snake and fattening the frogs up to get eaten", you're right! I was expecting everyone except the princess to fall for his tricks again because they're clearly all a few sodas short of a six-pack, but believe it or not, they don't. "A leopard can't change its spots!" Ababwa claims. But One-Eye insists that he's "metamorphized into a good frog" and makes a fart joke. To prove that he's a changed frog, he serves them all a scrumptious meal. Freddie, Ababwa and Froglegs are still suspicious, but Muscles seems pretty convinced.

Okay, spoiler alert: One-Eye is still evil. He's very intrigued when he hears about the Crystal Frog, and while Froglegs sleeps he swipes her map and shows it to the Big Four. Fortunately, Noggin and another frog named Smartypants see them and manage to steal it back. Not very hard, seeing as the Big Four is comprised entirely of idiots. Alas, the yellow poison dart frog identifies Noggin and we get a chase sequence.

Hopefully, that frog doesn't remember that he's poisonous, or it's curtains for Noggin.

Smartypants manages to get away with the map, but Noggin is captured, and One-Eye steals the map again offscreen anyway. And now that he has it, he is going to become KING OF THE WORLD!

...yeah, I don't think you have any chance of becoming King of the World, One-Eye. You're a FROG. Human beings - heck, ANY animal larger than a frog - aren't going to take a frog walking up to them and demanding that they bow down because he's the King of the World seriously.

Anyway, Freddie and Froglegs are led to One-Eye's evil lair by Freddie's pet fly. They save Noggin and he shows them the blueprints of One-Eye's plan. Then One-Eye's lizard henchmen trap them in a cage. One-Eye gloats that he's gonna use the map to find the Crystal Frog, steal it, and become the most powerful frog in the kingdom. Fortunately, when One-Eye and his goons leave, Muscles, Devo, and Ababwa show up and free them. Score one for the good guys.

Of course, One-Eye still has the map, so the score is all tied up.

They chase after One-Eye, but he leads them into ANOTHER trap: this time he's got a machine gun. But they make it to the ammo depot and return fire. They take down the Big Four, but One-Eye gets away. He sees the desert in front of him and thinks up yet another trap.

Boogie and Boxing Gloves Frog escort the Big Four back to the kingdom while the others go after One-Eye. They find two sets of tracks, so they split up: Noggin and Freddie follow the tracks into the desert, and the others follow the other footprints leading AWAY from the desert. Now, as the first movie established, frogs + hot sand + scorching sun is a dangerous combination, and soon Noggin becomes very thirsty. The mirages are no help at all. But Freddie eventually finds the stuff he needs to make a paraglider, which makes getting across the desert much easier. Downside: they wind up flying into a storm, and the paraglider winds up getting destroyed.

As for the others, Muscles and Froglegs fall into One-Eye's newest trap: the mouth of a hungry crocodile.

If Freddie were here, he'd probably be getting some serious deja vu.

But they get the crocodile to vomit them back out by punching its uvula. And then they spot One-Eye and, once again, give chase. Y'know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but even the snake was a better villain than One-Eye is. The snake sucked, but at least he was fun to mock. One-Eye is just pathetic.

Freddie and Noggin find water and catch up with the others. Then they find a boat! But the river they float along has rapids and, because it's a river in something animated, leads to a waterfall.

I would put the "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall." bit from The Emperor's
New Groove here, but it seems a bit too obvious.

After the waterfall, they have to deal with more rapids and - I am not kidding - a GIANT WHIRLPOOL. But what's this? The whirlpool leads into the Holy Land. But One-Eye has gotten there first. Noggin manages to tear off half of his cloak, which it promptly turns out is a PROTECTIVE cloak that protects One-Eye from being instantly frozen as soon as he touches the ice (totally how ice works, as you know). Noggin isn't so lucky.

I will not make a Frozen joke. I will not make a Frozen joke...

With their halves of the protective cloak, Froglegs and Freddie manage to avoid being frozen and chase after One-Eye through an icy tunnel full of monsters. Including... a Xenomorph. Wow, I'm amazed it took them this long to make a pop culture reference, considering how many the first movie had.

Incidentally, Freddie calls it a "two-headed thingamasaurus".

But they don't have to worry about the Xenomorph - it's frozen in place. Can't say the same for the giant ice monster that awaits them in the next room, though.

"Hey, wanna CHILL OUT? It's very ICE to meet you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! BAD PUNS!"

While dodging the ice monster's attacks, Freddie and Froglegs realize that his job must be to protect the Crystal Frog and remember that stupid riddle from before. This somehow gives Freddie the idea to remove a gem from one of the ice monster's knees, which takes it out... for a few seconds. Then it gets back up and grabs Froglegs. Eventually, however, Froglegs manages to explain to the monster that they're trying to protect the Crystal Frog, like he is, from One-Eye. But they can't stop One-Eye from removing another gem from the monster's forehead.

"Now I can sell this and become rich! Or at least I would if frogs had a use for money. Y'know,
since we're animals..."

So Froglegs and Freddie chase after One-Eye AGAIN - I swear most of this movie has just been them chasing after One-Eye and nothing more. At that moment, Muscles, Devo and Ababwa wind up in the Holy Land as well. Hopefully they avoid getting frozen like Noggin.

Froglegs and Freddie get to the entrance to the sanctuary where the Crystal Frog is, and the gem magically flies out of One-Eye's grasp and unlocks it for them.

"YOU ARE GIVEN PERMISSION TO ENTER NIRVANA. THE PLACE, NOT THE BAND."

But One-Eye gets inside first, and he finds lots and lots of frog statues made out of things like white jade, ruby, and sapphire. "The Frog Kingdom is all mine! Everyone will BOW before me!" he shouts. Wait, I thought the Crystal Frog was the thing that would give you the power to rule the world. Now it's just having a bunch of treasure?

As soon as One-Eye picks up one of the statues, he... freezes solid. Apparently this is because the Crystal Frog was already moved from its original place. I don't know. The room crumbles, and Freddie grabs another statue that he thinks is the Crystal Frog but is clearly not made out of crystal and, again, freezes solid. Now it's all up to Froglegs. She realizes that humbleness and humility are the answer, and then it's revealed that the Crystal Frog was hidden under the staircase the whole time. Wait a minute, what does that have to do with humbleness and humility? Well, with great difficulty she manages to touch the Crystal Frog, which unfreezes Freddie, One-Eye, and Noggin.

"Wait, that's not crystal. It looks like stone."

So the day is saved, right? Wrong. One-Eye steals the Crystal Frog, only to drop it in a chasm. He and Freddie fight while Froglegs tries to save the Crystal Frog. Long story short, Froglegs saves the Crystal Frog and puts it back. And the ice monster is revived, too! The day is saved! Now they just have to get out of there before they all wind up frozen.

Muscles, Noggin, Devo, and Ababwa save Froglegs, Freddie, and One-Eye, and they all head down the river in their boat. One-Eye might be a good guy now. And Froglegs has forgiven Freddie for ditching her the first time. So, all's well that ends well, and Freddie and Froglegs are gonna get married as soon as they get back to the kingdom and yadda-yadda-yadda?

Nope. Freddie jumps off the boat, into the water, and swims away, showing that he has basically learned nothing. Froglegs is furious. And that's it. That's how it ends.

What's the Verdict?

I will say that Arctic Adventure: On Frozen Pond or Frog Kingdom 2 or whatever is at least slightly better than the first film. There are less unfunny pop culture references, Freddie and Noggin are less annoying, and it's much less disgusting (thank goodness they didn't bring back that one frog with the eyes in his stomach. Eugh). Too bad the film still isn't very good. It's another movie that's mediocre at best. Most of the jokes aren't funny, the characters are dull, the plot just sort of meanders around and drags itself out for too long, and the ending isn't satisfying at all. It's not even interesting in how bad it is like Frog Kingdom was, it's just blah. I think I've learned from doing this blog that if a film is going to suck, it should at least suck in bizarre, out of the ordinary ways.

So, yeah. Technically better than Frog Kingdom, but not worth your time. Don't watch it.

Rating: Two frozen frogs out of five. It left me cold.

Oh, and apparently there are two more Frog Kingdom movies. I will not be reviewing them, so don't ask me to.