Let's Watch This... Again: An Episode of "Mighty Max"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Wow, it's been a while since I've done a re-review, hasn't it? I wonder why that is. Let's fix it...

Mighty Max, created by Mark Zaslove and Rob Hudnut, was based on a toyline that was kind of like Polly Pocket but for boys. It premiered in September 1993 as part of a syndicated children's block called "Amazing Adventures" and received two seasons and a total of forty episodes. The premise? I'm going to be lazy and copy-paste the description from my first review: a kid named Max, voiced by Rob Paulsen, gets a small statue of a bird one day in the mail. It's inscribed with Egyptian hieroglyphs that translates to, essentially, "Congratulations, kid. You're the Chosen One. Go to the mini-mall and wait for a sign." Max is so shocked that he drops the statue, and inside as it turns out was a magic baseball cap that allows Max to travel through space and time. Long story short, he winds up meeting a magic fowl named Virgil (voiced by Tony Jay) and a Viking named Norman (voiced by Richard Moll). They travel around the world defending it from such foes as brain-sucking aliens, werewolves, a giant octopus, crazy scientists, etc.

I previously reviewed the twenty-fifth episode of the show, "Tar Wars", in which Max and his compadres ventured into the La Brea tar pits and encountered a caveman and a saber-toothed tiger. I found the episode just okay. That was back in 2019, so today I'm going to review another episode of the show, this one part of the first season: the sixth episode, "Rumble in the Jungle". Will I like this one more? Let's find out!

We start off in the jungles of Africa - somewhere in the Congo, I believe - where Max's mother (Tress MacNeille) is being chased by what appear to be members of Tarzan's fan club. Eventually, they corner her in front of a large rock and carry her off, as per the orders of this gorilla watching from nearby. Who IS this strange ape?

Marvin the Martian called, he wants that thing from the top of his helmet back.

Then we cut to Max, lounging in a hammock in his backyard. So apparently Max's mother just left him at home, by himself, while she went off to Africa? I don't know how old Max is supposed to be, but even if he's a teenager, I don't think leaving him at home alone while you go to ANOTHER CONTINENT is a good idea - his father is never seen or mentioned, so apparently his mother is all he's got. Great parenting, Max's mom!

Suddenly, Max sees an airplane doing some skywriting aimed directly at him. It tells him to go to the library and "turn left at Shakespeare". I assume that somewhere in Max's town there's a street named after William Shakespeare and that's what they mean. Either that or there's a section of the library exclusively for Shakespeare's works and he has to turn left when he finds it.

"Oh, crap, I was supposed to write 'SURRENDER DOROTHY', wasn't I? Ah well,
I'm sure the Wicked Witch will understand..."

We never actually see Max at the library, however, we just cut to him being spit out of a portal in the middle of a Roman colosseum. Virgil and Norman are there too, and Virgil tells Max that his mother is in a "great deal of jeopardy"... according to some scrolls he's reading, that is.

"This scroll says that our show is going to fall into obscurity after it's taken off the air
in 1994. We won't even get a DVD release!"

So off Max, Virgil, and Norman head to the Congo, which is apparently very close to Rome seeing as they're able to get there pretty quickly. Unfortunately, the path they're crossing gives way and they fall into the brush below. After that, they find an abandoned jeep, with a tank still full of gas AND the keys still in the ignition. "This reeks of foul play," Virgil claims. Seeing as you're a bird, shouldn't that actually be "FOWL play"?

Please laugh. I'm trying so hard...

Sorry, Max, you're too young to have a driver's license. I think. I still have no idea
what age you're supposed to be.

Then those George of the Jungle cosplayers we saw chasing Max's mother before show up again and give chase. Max momentarily calms them down with the power of rock 'n' roll (good thing he brought his handheld radio), but then that gorilla in Roman duds shows up again in a zebra-pulled chariot and says in the voice of Dr. Claw that rock 'n' roll is the work of evil spirits. "Must prefer Sinatra," Max mutters. Actually, I think a gorilla's favorite genre of music is swing. Get it? 'Cause they're always swinging on vines? At least in cartoons?

...that was at least sort of funny, right?

A screencap from that cult classic, King Kong vs. Emperor Nero.

Fortunately, my jokes aren't the worst ones here: Norman then randomly chuckles and says, "Monkey see, monkey DO." Apparently, he needs to read up on his primate facts, because as we all know, gorillas are APES, not monkeys. Max, Virgil, and Norman make a run for it, the gorillas and cavemen in hot pursuit, eventually diving into a river to get away. But because it's a river in something animated, it leads to... let's see if you can guess. Is it..

A) A waterfall

B) A gift shop

OR C) The house of Max's weird uncle who collects dirt in jars?

If you guessed B or C, I think you need to watch more cartoons...

And why don't people ever put signs in front of rivers reading "WARNING: THIS RIVER LEADS
TO A WATERFALL. DO NOT SWIM IN IT" or something like that?

Over the falls they go, pleasing the Dr. Claw-voiced gorilla. Of course, as soon as the simians leave they emerge from the water, and Virgil suggests that perhaps Max's mother had the misfortune of running into the gorillas as well. "Let's make like an ape and follow them before they get away!" Max says, and they wind up following them to this charming place:

"This is AMAZING! A whole alternate gorilla civilization!" Virgil clucks. "How extraordinary!" Sneaking inside, they discover that the caveman are the gorillas' slaves, forcing them to build things and tying them to posts when they do things to make them mad.

Wait a minute... intelligent anthropomorphic gorillas enslaving primitive humans? I think it's pretty obvious what science fiction movie this episode was inspired by...

Spoiler alert, Max: it was Earth all along! Those maniacs, they blew up the Statue of Liberty! Darn them! Darn them all to Heck!

"I wanna know...
Can you show me?
I wanna know about these strangers like me..."

One of the cavemen shows Max where his mother is - locked in a cell, having to deal with mosquitos. But before they can get them out, the gorillas show up and the leader is all "OH NO YOU DON'T!".

Considering how many pop culture references Max made in "Tar Wars", I fully expect
him to make a Planet of the Apes reference himself at some point.

The gorillas take them to the alpha male of the pack, voiced by Jim Cummings, who does not believe their claims that they come from "beyond the valley". The one in Roman gladiator garb insists that Max and his crew "bring evil thoughts" and that they must be eliminated. "Might doesn't always make right, Bonzo!" Max snaps (for those unaware, this is a reference to the 1950s film about a chimpanzee Bedtime For Bonzo). "We can do things in our world you guys never even DREAMED OF!" For example, they have telephones and laws and airplanes. On the other hand, the gorillas don't have Twitter. Or Discord. So who's better off?

"They bring evil sorcery! They must be destroyed before their words and deeds harm us!" the roman gladiator gorilla declares. The alpha male, however, isn't sure what to think, so he tells them to just lock Max, his mom, Virgil, and Norman up until he makes his decision.

So when does he start singing "I Wanna Be Like You"?

The good guys are able to escape their cell with ease, then Norman gets to quench his thirst for violence by attacking the gorilla guarding it. Then they run into that caveman who helped them before. He gives Max a rock, which as Maxine can tell you make great gifts. In return, Max gives the caveman a comb. "Gee, I hope this doesn't mean we're engaged or anything..." he says, the first line out of his mouth that I actually find funny.

But as they're trying to escape, a gorilla spots them and sounds the alarm. It seems like the gorillas have them trapped... even though one of them is a big, strong Viking who effortlessly plowed through a bunch of the apes just a few seconds ago, but seeing them gives the primitive human slaves the determination to rise up against their gorilla captors, pelting them with rocks and stuff. Is this what they call "gorilla warfare"? Ba-dum kssssh.

"If you have any poo, fling it NOW!"

Eventually, Norman manages to topple over the giant stone gorilla head on top of the temple they're standing on, sending it falling down onto the apes, but even THAT isn't enough to take them out. Geez, I know gorillas are strong, but they're not made of iron. Fortunately, the alpha male shows up and tells everyone to knock it off - but he's still going to have the good guys executed. Max insists that if they just let them leave, they'll never return to the Kingdom of the Apes, but the roman gladiator gorilla... y'know what, since they never mentioned this guy's name, I'm going to call him Larry... doesn't believe there is anywhere outside the kingdom for them to go. "It was only twenty to one! You wouldn't be so tough by yourself!" Max tells him. "Fair enough!" Larry snaps. "I'll fight YOU!" Dang it, Max, what have you gotten yourself into?

"C'mon, couldn't we settle this over a tall frothy glass of Um Bongo? They drink it in the
Congo, don't they?

Max knows that he's no match for, as Virgil puts it, a bloodthirsty eight-hundred-pound gorilla wanting to tear him limb from limb, but don't worry, he has a plan. He asks Virgil for their "portal map", and as soon as Virgil hands it to him, he... makes a run for it. Did he really need the portal map to do that? Well, anyway, he finds the jeep from before and drives off in it, but Larry still manages to catch up. Fortunately, the portal map tells him where to find a portal he can send Larry through.

When Max returns, the alpha male offers to let him take the throne, but Max says he just wants to head home and get a pizza. And for the gorillas to treat the cavemen as equals. The alpha male agrees. Huzzah!

Oh, and in case you're wondering where the portal send Larry to... well, it's SOMEWHERE in the middle of the desert, we know THAT. My headcanon is that it's what eventually became the actual Planet of the Apes. This was a prequel the whole time.

"Dang it, I forgot to TiVo my soap operas..."

When Max gets home, he tells the audience about gorillas and how they're the largest primates on earth. Did you know that there are only 50,000 lowland gorillas and only 320 mountain gorillas left in the whole world... not counting his Aunt Matilda, of course (I hope his mom didn't hear him say that)? "Always do what you can to help the world's wildlife," he tells us. Unless they're anthropomorphic warriors who enslave cavemen and want to have you executed, of course.

What's the Verdict?

I personally liked this episode of Mighty Max better than "Tar Wars". Max was a lot less annoying (I actually found a couple of his quips funny!) and there were a lot less pop culture references. I'm shocked they resisted the urge to make a Planet of the Apes joke. Plus, this episode has Jim Cummings lending his voice to it, and you know what a big fan of him I am. I do wish Virgil had a bit more to do, because he's pretty awesome, and I would've liked some sort of explanation as to how this tribe of anthropomorphic gorillas actually got started... why did these gorillas evolve but seemingly no other jungle animals did? Why are the humans still primitive cavemen?

If you'd like to watch Mighty Max for yourself, you can find episodes on YouTube in varying quality. Apparently, there wasn't ever a DVD release and I don't think it's on any streaming platforms, so that's the only way you can watch it right now. Enjoy.

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Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Replacements"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Do you remember that episode of Class of 3000 I reviewed? The one where the kids have their teachers replaced with unqualified celebrities? Well, I have another question for you - what if there was an entire SHOW based on the idea of replacing people with unqualified celebrities? Actually, there IS. And it's called The Replacements!

Created by children's book illustrator Dan Santat, this show focuses on two siblings, the eleven-year-old Todd (voiced by Nancy Cartwright) and the thirteen-year-old Riley (voiced by Grey DeLisle-Griffin). While cleaning the floors of the orphanage where they lived, they found a comic book with an ad for a corporation called Fleemco and their "replacement service". They mail the ad back and get two new parents, a British secret agent named Agent K (Kath Souice) and a dimwitted daredevil named Dick Daring (Daran Norris). They also get Fleemco cell phones that allow them to call up the company's CEO, Conrad Fleem (Jeff Bennett), and request for whatever person or animal they don't like to be replaced with someone cooler. This usually leads to WHACKY SHENANIGANS and the kids learning a valuable lesson about appreciating what you already have or whatever. I wish I had a Fleemco phone, I would use it to replace Donald Trump with somebody who would actually do a good job of running this country.

The Replacements premiered on Disney Channel in July 2006. Two seasons were produced, the first one having twenty-one episodes and the second one having thirty-two, making for a total of fifty-two (though all but two of the first season's episodes consisted of two shorts, so technically it's actually seventy-one in all if my math is correct). I remember hearing about the show when it was on (mostly, I saw ads and comics based on it in Disney Adventures magazine), but I never actually watched it. Now that I think of it, I didn't really watch much of Disney Channel's cartoons - not the stuff they were airing as part of their Playhouse Disney block, the other cartoons - AT ALL during this time period. I remember watching Lilo and Stitch: The Series, The Emperor's New School, and at least one episode of The Buzz on Maggie... oh, and Phineas and Ferb, of course... but aside from that? I think I mostly watched Toon Disney as opposed to Disney Channel during the 2000s. I knew about Kim Possible, The Proud Family, Dave the Barbarian etc., but I don't think I ever watched a single episode of them until long after they were off the air. I wonder why that is. Nonetheless, the show seems pretty well-liked online. According to TV Tropes, the second season is better than the first, but the second season isn't on Disney Plus whereas the first season is (I have no idea why that is), so I'm going to review an episode of the first season. Why don't we watch the twenty-first episode of the show, which consists of the segments "Clue-Less" and "Conrad's Day Off"?

"Clue-Less" begins with Riley setting up for her mystery dinner party. Todd is miffed that he wasn't invited, Riley's justification being that they're going to use "logic and reasoning and other big words [he] wouldn't understand", but he's got better things to do with his time anyway - like hanging out with his new Robo-Cat, named the year's Most Obnoxious Toy by three different magazines. This episode aired in 2007, which means that the Robo-Cat managed to beat out such toys as the Elmo Giggle and Shake Chair (it was a chair with Elmo's face on it that giggled. Not sure where the appeal is in that) and Floam (remember that stuff? It looked so fun in the ads but was disgusting when you actually put your hands in it!).

It can do everything a real cat does... except eat your lasagna, since it's a robot and
doesn't have a digestive tract.

Just then, it starts to rain, even though the weather forecast yesterday called for a sunny day. The reason? Todd apparently replaced the TV weatherman with a Jerry Seinfeld parody. Don't judge him.

Then the doorbell rings, and Dick opens the door and lets everybody in. First to enter are Riley's friend Abbey Wilson (Erica Hubbard) and Todd's best pal Jacobo Jacobo (Candi Milo), then the Japanese-American Robocop cosplayer Tasumi (Lauren Tom) and Todd's nemesis Buzz Winters (also Grey DeLisle-Griffin). They're all playing characters with names based on the characters in Clue. Because that's what this episode is a parody of. The board game, not the 1985 movie.

Dang it, Dick, don't you know that it's a bad idea to put a watermelon in front of
somebody holding a mallet? You're just ASKING for it to get smashed.

Even though all the invited guests have arrived, the doorbell rings again, and when Dick answers it, who should be at the door but... an alien?

Nope, it's not an alien. It's Shelton (Jeff Bennett doing a Jerry Lewis impression), the character whose entire shtick is that they're a gigantic nerd. Remember, this was made in the 2000s, when everyone thought it was okay to make fun of nerds. It's the same mindset that gave us The Big Bang Theory.

Even My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic made fun of nerds in one episode.

The dinner party gets started, but before Riley can tell anyone what heinous crime that someone in the room committed, the robot cat zips into the room and starts wreaking havoc. Todd can't shut it off because it's stuck on the highest level of obnoxiousness, as seen here:

You'd think the highest level of obnoxiousness would be "Chris Rock" or "People Who
Hate Hanna-Barbera But Consider Jellystone To Be The Funniest Thing Ever". I'd take a
game show host over either of them any day.

While the robot cat is running amok, the lights go out. Riley gets a lantern, revealing that someone took advantage of the power outage (that's why the lights went out, right? It's raining, after all) to smash the robot cat to pieces! Horror of horrors!

Tell me, do YOU know who done it? I was gonna say I think it was Buzz, since he has a mallet and is Todd's nemesis, but then I realized he was too obvious of a suspect. The writers of this show probably have a lot more respect for our intelligence than THAT.

Don't worry, robot cats have nine lives.

Todd sobs over the smashed remains of his robot cat, and then Jacobo enters the room and asks what's going on... okay, I think it's pretty safe to say that HE'S the culprit. If somebody apparently wasn't in the room when the heinous crime was committed, they're usually the one who did it.

Riley is annoyed that her dinner party has been hijacked by Todd's toy getting destroyed, but considering that HER idea of an engaging mystery was somebody stealing a hanky, I'd say this is for the best. Everybody starts arguing over who did it. Todd says that it must be Buzz, but Jacobo urges them not to jump to conclusions. Taking out a magnifying glass, he finds out that the robot cat wasn't smashed by a mallet, but rather STEPPED ON.

Okay, I don't know much about robotics, but I'm pretty sure that robotic toys are pretty sturdy. Simply stepping on one would likely not destroy it. Even if the person who stepped on it was wearing size six shoes.

"Riley, why do we all have to do the Hokey Pokey?"
"Hey, it's MY dinner party..."

After inspecting everyone's shoes, Riley discovers that the only one NOT wearing a size six shoe is Buzz (he has dainty feet) - ergo, he couldn't have been the smasher. Called it.

Now, who had a motive for destroying the robot cat? When everyone arrives, Tasumi recoiled at the sight of it and told it to stay away from her, so clearly it must have been HER, right? Nope, the exoskeleton of Tasumi's Robocop getup and the exoskeleton of the robot cat have the same magnetic polarizations, ergo they repel each other. She explains this to everyone in her stereotypical fake Japanese accent. I know this was the 2000s, but I can't help but find it problematic that the show cast Lauren Tom, who is Chinese-American, as a Japanese character, the mindset apparently being "Well, Chinese and Japanese are both Asian, so it's all the same thing, right?". Was the actually Japanese-American voice actress Janice Kawaye too busy or something?

Come to think of it, is it also problematic to have the Asian character dressed up
like a Power Ranger?

Dick shows up with a pizza, and Jacobo suggests that maybe HE did it. After all, the butler always does it in mystery novels. Then Riley points out that he couldn't have done it because he was out getting pizza. Then Buzz and Tasumi decide that it must have been Jacobo, who left the room to get a screwdriver yet came back without one. This is the cue for Agent K to appear - she was in the garage trying out her new video spyglasses, and she saw Jacobo enter the garage and do... um, this...

Jacobo has some weird hobbies...

After whatever that was, Riley says that it couldn't have been Shelton either because he's a wimp (he can't even smash an egg, let alone a robot cat!), so clearly it must have been Abbey. Before the lights went out, the robot cat spilled grape juice on her dress, so clearly she must have smashed it in revenge. But Abbey insists that if she wanted to get back at someone, she wouldn't commit robocide, she'd just make fun of them behind their backs.

That only leaves one suspect: Riley. And oh look, Jacobo just found a single strand of red hair in the robot cat's smashed remains...

Isn't it kind of funny that what we call "red hair" is actually orange?

Why did Riley supposedly do it? Because she'd been planning her stupid mystery dinner party for weeks, and when the robot cat stole her thunder, she got MAD! So, when the power went out, she seized the opportunity to smash the robot cat with her size six shoes, and then spent the night grilling them to cover up her crime. The others start beating the crap out of her... wait, so Shelton's too wimpy to smash an egg but he can help deliver a beatdown to somebody? Odd... tie her up, and hoist her over their heads, presumably with plans to throw her into a volcano. Assuming they can find a volcano nearby, of course.

But then Todd reveals that Riley didn't do it, HE did. He used a screwdriver to set the robot cat to its highest annoyance setting, then left the room claiming that he'd get the manual only to shut off the power, run back in, smash the robot cat, and sneak back out before Riley lit her lantern. Why? Because he was mad at Riley for claiming that a mystery dinner party is "not [his] thing". Congratulations, Todd, you destroyed your own toy just to prove a point to your annoying big sister.

Of course, this backfires on Todd spectacularly. Riley praises him for proving her wrong and then suggests that the turn off the lights and smash ANOTHER one of his toys. To Todd's dismay, everyone is on board with that. Next segment...

So how does "Conrad's Day Off" begin? Todd calls up Conrad to complain that his math homework is dull and boring, he needs a math teacher who can make math FUN. In that case, what Todd needs is for the characters from Schoolhouse Rock to show up in his house. Now THAT show made math fun!

"Let me just pick someone from my Wall of Cartoon Stereotypes... how about the
opera singer? I'm sure SHE knows a lot about algebra..."

Thus, Todd's math teacher winds up being visited by a Discount Zapp Brannigan who's traveling to the center of the earth. He is accompanied by a highly attractive assistant and... a monkey. Presumably, the monkey is only there because, as we've established, the animation industry is convinced that monkeys are the funniest thing ever. They are not.

And why would somebody who's traveling to the center of the earth even NEED a monkey?
Wouldn't an animal that's known for digging tunnels very well, like a mole, make more sense?

The math teacher heads off with them to journey to the center of the earth and stop the earth's core from overheating ("It's a statistically impossible dream come true!" he says) and Todd's math class is now being taught by a rodeo clown - complete with a bull to chase him around the classroom. I sure hope none of the students in that class are afraid of clowns like I am. Now Todd is learning about fractions! Somehow.

Todd is very happy, but Conrad admits that he's been on call 24/7 since he gave Todd and Riley their phones. So he decides to take the next two days off. Which means no replacements for the next forty-eight hours. As for the rodeo clown, the bull chases him into the hallway, then starts chasing after Riley, who runs right into her teacher, Mr. Vanderbosh (Rob Paulsen)... which causes him to split his pants? Riley must be very strong if her just running into somebody's backside creates a hole in their trousers.

No student should have to see their principal's underwear.




I just realized that sounds much creepier than I intended for it to.

Mr. Vanderbosh promptly gives Riley a "double-detention" for running in the halls and then going "But... but... but..." (which he assumes is her making fun of his underwear being revealed to the world). Since she doesn't know that Conrad is taking time off, she considers calling FleemCo to replace her teacher with a leprechaun or something, but eventually decides that it's the coward's way out and that they can't rely on Conrad to solve all of their problems.

Riley heads down the stairs to the detention room, and as soon as she does, Jacobo shows up to tell Todd about the horrors of double-detention: deep within the earth's crust where the sun's rays have never reached lies a pit of despair and the people either evolved from frogs or eat them. Todd decides that he must help Riley... and then remembers that Riley has always been a total wet blanket who never supports him and decides against it. So what if she has to travel the River Styx?

I think I was only ever in detention once. It did not involve me going below the earth's crust.

So what is detention like? As it turns out, students who get detention are forced to do the school's laundry. That's right, apparently this school participates in child labor. I believe that's frowned upon. And Riley can't even tell the principal because he's in on it, forcing Buzz to make "My Child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers. As for Riley, she's on furnace duty and must spend her double-detention shoveling coal.

Suddenly relying on Conrad to solve all your problems doesn't seem so bad anymore,
does it, Riley?

"Mr. Vanderbosh, I'm not serving double-detention!" Riley says. "Because... this is unfair! And YOU'RE unfair! Your glasses that match your shoes AREN'T AS HIP AS YOU THINK THEY ARE!" But does Mr. Vanderbosh listen? Nope. He tells Riley that now she has triple-detention, which means she's going to be locked in a cage and forced to act like a hamster. No, really. What kind of school IS this?

I think even the teachers at Wayside would be weirded-out by this...

Not wanting to be treated like a literal guinea pig, Riley dives into a laundry basket and calls up FleemCo... only to wind up listening to an answering machine. Looks like she's stuck in detention... or IS she? Mr. Vanderbosh suddenly gets a call from Todd, who tells him that he's won a sweepstakes and that he must leave detention to claim his prize. When Mr. Vanderbosh says that he's never entered a sweepstakes in his life, Todd says that actually, he won a cruise around the world, to which Mr. Vanderbosh reveals that he's not a big fan of cruises. But he DOES decide to take the week off from his teaching job to track this mysterious prank caller down. Mission accomplished, I guess?

After Mr. Vanderbosh leaves, Todd arrives at the detention room in disguise (he's standing on Jacobo's shoulders and wearing a trenchcoat), only for Mr. Vanderbosh to show up again. Todd admits to him that it's his fault she got detention (kind of - Conrad didn't HAVE to send the bull with the rodeo clown, did he?) and tells Mr. Vanderbosh to let her go. Mr. Vanderbosh refuses on the grounds that Riley insulted his shoes and glasses, which Todd and Jacobo do as well, resulting in all three of them - and the bull - getting QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

QUADRUPLE-DETENTION!

And how will they be serving their QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION, QUADRUPLE-DETENTION? By GRADING HIS POP QUIZZES!

None of this would have happened if Conrad had just sent the cast of Schoolhouse Rock
to replace Todd's math teacher like I suggested...

During the credits, Tashumi gives a lecture about composure. Which means we have to listen to her stereotypical fake Japanese accent again. I still find it problematic.

What's the Verdict?

The Replacements is a mixed bag. I didn't care much for "Clue-less", but I thought "Conrad's Day Off" was better. It was a lot funnier. I think the main problem with the show, or at least this episode, is that the really interesting characters - Dick and Agent K - aren't given much to do. Instead we have to focus on Todd and Riley, who aren't as engaging, but I stomach them fine. Their friends are just obnoxious stereotypes, particularly Tashumi (Lauren Tom is a great actress, but this is not one of her better roles). Still, the animation is fine, the voice actors all do a pretty good job with what they're given, and there isn't anything straight-up AWFUL about the show. Will I be watching more episodes of it? I'm not sure. Maybe. Like I said, this show apparently gets better in the second season. For now, I'm giving it three and a half stars out of five.

Fun fact: apparently, Will Arnett was originally cast as the voice of Dick (the showrunners were also hoping to get his then-wife Amy Poehler to voice Agent K, but she turned them down). When the show got picked up, Will became too busy, and they replaced him with Bryan Cranston, who in turn was for some reason replaced by Daran Norris. In hindsight, maybe it was for the best... seems kind of pointless to cast a celebrity as Dick when he's basically a supporting character.

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Or you could always just listen to it on Spotify, honestly, who still uses CDs in the 2020s?

DISCLAIMER: It should be obvious, but this is not a real album. Please do not call 555-I-WANT-TO-TORTURE-MY-EARDRUMS-681-3755, assuming that's even a real phone number, and demand an album from them. And don't send $18.98 to Bob Iger's house either, he's got enough money already.

Let's Watch This: "Jungle Shuffle" (2014)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Y'know what it's been a while since I've reviewed? An obscure direct-to-video animated movie. Preferably one made in another country and then brought over to the US. Let's fix that!

Jungle Shuffle is a Korean animated film directed by a Mr. Taedong Park and a Mr. Mauricio De la Orta. One admittedly pretty cool thing about it is that its main character is a coati, which I've always considered to be a very underrated animal. I've liked coatis ever since I first saw them in episodes of Zoboomafoo, but you didn't see them in animation that much until recently. Aside from this, there's also a 2021 animated movie called Koati, I think there's a coati or two in Encanto... is that about it?

You can currently find the full movie on YouTube. It's been on my "to review" list for a while, and let me tell you, it's quite an experience. Let's start the review, shall we?

The movie starts off with a female vocalist singing in "doo-doo-doo-doo-doo"s and "nah-naaaaaaaaaaahs" as two little coatis, one orange and one pink (neither color a coati is in real life, but who cares?), run around laughing. They run through a flock of jungle birds, who promptly fly into the air and... merge into a big white eagle? Huh? Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bad idea to start off a movie with something incredibly weird like this without telling the audience what's going on.

I think the bright colors in this screencap are giving me a migraine.

When night falls on the Mexican rainforest where this movie takes place, we see more coatis fleeing in terror from vehicles driven by - you guessed it - poachers. Yep, this is another one of those animated movies that shed light on how awful poaching is. Most of the coatis manage to get away, but one is caught in a net and dragged off by the poachers. The king of the coatis, simply known as Coati King (voiced by Rob Schneider), dubs humans the most dangerous creature in the jungle. At the risk of sounding like I just stepped onto a soapbox, I can't say I don't agree.

Maybe Coati King should lay off the eggs and various small vertebrae for a while.
He's looking a little chubby.

There's only one way the coatis can protect themselves from the eeeeeeeevil humans, Coati King tells another coati named Artex (voiced by Eric Lopez) - they must build a statue of the "great guardian". Which guardian would that be? Star-Lord? Rocket Raccoon? Groot? Or maybe one of the Owls of Ga'Hoole? Coati King doesn't specify. He just says that they must build a statue in the guardian's honor - and when he says "they", he means "just Artex". After all, kings don't do manual labor.

Artex agrees to build the statue, but he'd like something in return - Coati King's daughter's paw in marriage. Hmmm, I wonder who Coati King's daughter could be. Surely they're not actually the love interest of the film's main character, are they? Well, anyhow, the coatis get to work building the statue, and I gotta say, it's pretty impressive for something made mostly out of twigs.

Although it doesn't look much like Rocket Raccoon, if that's indeed who Coati King was
referring to. It'd make sense, seeing as coatis are related to raccoons...

That orange coati from before, Manu (voiced by Brianne Brozey), shows up again to admire the statue, but Artex tells him not to get anywhere near the statue. In fact, the king made it a LAW that he's not allowed near it. For some reason. Is Manu known for being incredibly clumsy? Does he have a habit of destroying statues? Or did the king just feel like picking on him?

Statue divided by Manu equals Skull and Crossbones? I don't remember learning THAT
in math class...

So what does Manu do? He climbs up to the top of the statue. Upon realizing that the humidity is rising, he tells the other coatis to tie down the ropes holding the statue because it's going to rain. But the others, particularly Artex, don't listen to him. I guess this is one of those animated movies where the main character is an outcast. Manu, Flik, Khumba, Dumbo, and Rudolph should start a support group.

After Manu scampers off, the King shows up, accompanied by his daughter, who I think is supposed to be the pink coati from before except she's purple now for some reason. Her name is Sacha, and she says in the voice of Annie from It's Pony (Jessica DiCicco) that she is NOT in love with Artex. Which is likely because he seems to be older than her, which makes Artex's having the hots for her kind of creepy now that I think about it...

You're probably wondering why Artex appears to be wearing a string of bacon around
his neck. Well, there's an answer to that question. Unfortunately, I have no idea what it is.

Then it starts raining, and as everyone else scatters, Manu shows up to protect Sacha with a makeshift umbrella. Yeah, Manu and Sacha are totally into each other. Probably because Manu is, according to Sacha, the only one who really listens to her.

There's something really awkward about watching two kids flirt with each other. I mean, in The Lion King, Simba and Nala weren't in love from the start - in fact, when they were little, they were disgusted when Zazu told them they would be married one day. It wasn't until they were older that they "felt the love tonight". Same goes for Mumble and Gloria in Happy Feet. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I think they're a little young to be talking about "running away together" and Manu proving to Coati King that he's good enough to date his daughter.

Of course, puppy love is a thing... though, since a young coati is called a "kit",
would this actually be "kitty love"?

Alas, Artex shows up with his bodyguards to ruin the moment, and after Manu accidentally pelts him with fruit we get a chase sequence that culminates in the bodyguards knocking Coati King off his throne... which he blames Manu for.

Then we cut to a bamboo hut somewhere in the jungle. Inside is this really ugly sweaty guy arguing with someone over the radio. They're talking about experimenting on animals and a "gene-fusion booster device". The guy on the radio also mentions that he needs a coati - a FEMALE coati, which pretty much guarantees that he's going to cross paths with Sacha at some point. He also needs a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar. This sounds like the set-up to a bad joke: "Okay, so a coati, a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar walk into a bar..."

So THIS is where Al wound up after his Toy Barn closed.

So Sweaty McSounds Like a Bad Impression of Jason Alexander (voiced by Joey D'Auria) - that's not the character's actual name, but it's what I'm calling him - apparently runs some sort of... poultry business? He wants to create a Super Chicken...

...no, not THAT Super Chicken. He's got a poster in his hut of the desired "super chicken" that he wants to sell in grocery stores. It's very fat, with extra-thick legs and extra wings. It's like a mutant. An X-Hen, if you will.

Then we actually get to SEE the guy who Sweaty was talking to on the radio in his laboratory. Say hello to the aptly named Dr. Loco (also Rob Schneider), who prances around his lab laughing about how he'll create a chicken as big as a jaguar, as healthy as an eagle, and with the ability to lay more eggs than an alligator. His previous attempts at creating such a chicken were washes. I mean, just look at this thing:

Oh, no! He captured Entree from Spliced and stuck him in a giant test tube!

...actually, Entree sucks, so this isn't a bad thing at all. Good on you, Dr. Loco.

Back in the coatis' domain, Coati King claims that Manu kidnapped his daughter, jeopardized her safety, and put all of his fellow coatis in danger. I don't know where he got this idea, because none of that happened... with the possible exception of the second one, but that was more Artex and his bodyguards' fault than anything. Sacha tries to defend him, telling her father that she loves him and that they'll get married one day, and that Manu is good and stuff. But Coati King is all "I'M NOT LISTENING, YOU WILL MARRY WHO I TELL YOU TO AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!". As they're bickering, one of the ropes holding down the statue comes loose and despite Manu's best efforts, the entire statue winds up falling apart.

"My king, what we need now is a strong leader, a decisive ruler, who is not afraid to take care of a little, furry problem," Artex says. Coati King agrees and banishes Manu from the village of the Skittles-colored coatis - and then tells Artex that he won't be able to marry Sacha until he rebuilds the statue and makes it stronger and bigger this time. Ha ha, serves him right. Especially since this was really all his fault in the first place.

So two coati guards take Manu to another part of the jungle far, far away from the coatis' domain, and then they leave him there. Quick question, where are Manu's parents? Don't THEY get any say in this?

"Sooooooooooooooooooome-wheeeeeeeeeeeeere, ooooooooooout theeeeeeeeeeeere,
Beneath the paaaaaaaaaaaale mooooooooon-liiiiiiiiiight..."

On the bright side, that white eagle from before magically appears and shields Manu from the rain with his wing. Thanks, mystical white eagle.

Through a montage, Manu learns how to survive in the jungle, having to deal with snakes, farting skunks, and the most terrifying slug ever.

Hello, nightmare fuel.

Years go by, and eventually Manu and Sacha are teenagers. Manu is now voiced by Drake Bell and Sacha... well, the credits state that it's still Jessica DiCicco, but Wikipedia and IMDB claim that it's now Alicia Silverstone. I have no idea what to make of this... it doesn't SOUND like Jessica DiCicco and Alicia's name is on the DVD cover, but if it's her, why isn't she listed in the credits?

Oh, no! There are humans in the jungle! Specifically, a burly bearded poacher named Helms (Michael McConnohie) and his minion Pacal (Eddie Santiago). Helms shoots a jaguar named Kam (Debra Wilson) with a tranquelizer dart, and when Sacha shows up to investigate, she gets tranquelized as well. Fortunately, Manu happens to be nearby, and he's not letting them take Sacha without a fight.

And presumably, Coati King hasn't noticed that his daughter is missing yet?

Unfortunately, Helms has a GUN, which he promptly uses on Manu. Don't worry, Manu survives, but Helms drives off with Sacha and the jaguar... only for Manu to climb onto the back of his truck a few minutes later. In addition to Sacha and the jaguar, Helms has also captured a crazy monkey with a Chinese accent named Chuy (Rob Schneider... yes, the Chinese character is voiced by a white guy, that's not politically correct), a grey-skinned iguana with a dark sense of humor named Tuana (also Rob Schneider, he's all over the place in this movie), and a sassy purple toucan named Louca (Derek Stephen Prince doing a weird accent that I can't identify). Suddenly, a JAGUAR jumps in front of the truck, and when Helms hits the brakes, Manu and Chuy go flying off. After the truck drives off, the jaguar, whose name is Balaam (Chris Gardner), blames Manu for the humans taking his mate and chases him up a tree.

Fun fact - for the longest time, I thought that all jaguars were black. This is because whenever
a jaguar showed up in Zoboomafoo, it would be a black jaguar... although I'm pretty sure they do say
in one episode that most jaguars are orange.

After Balaam leaves, Chuy pops up and establishes himself as the film's WHACKY COMIC RELIEF. Just because you didn't give the character squinty eyes doesn't mean he's not an offensive Chinese stereotype.

Also, as I've said before, MONKEYS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY FUNNY.

And then guess who shows up? None other than Artex, who blames Manu for Sacha getting captured. Is that just the coatis' motto? Whenever anything goes wrong, it's always Manu's fault? Fortunately, Manu is not taking any of Artex's crap and says, "Why don't you go back to sucking up to the king and let ME rescue the princess?" "Ha! You couldn't rescue a coati girl if she was captured by humans!" Artex snaps. "Which is... exactly what happened." Clearly Artex isn't very good at insulting people... er, animals.

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Kam and Sacha wake up and have to deal with Tuana and Louca's unfunny jokes.

Is the toucan a boy or a girl? I legitimately can't tell...

Back in the coatis' domain, Artex tells the king that Sacha has been taken and that he tried to prevent it. I have just one thing to say to you, Artex...

But Artex's polluting the air with his filthy lies will not go unpunished - the king comes to the conclusion that Artex will venture into the jungle to bring his daughter back. If he succeeds, he can become king.

Then we cut back to Manu and Chuy, who are searching for the truck. Manu's entire personality now is that he's frustrated by Chuy. I mean, I kind of am too, but at least the monkey's trying to help. No need to be hostile towards him, Manu. Besides, it could be worse - you could have a certain OTHER spider monkey for a sidekick...

Yeah, I'd gladly take a Chinese stereotype over this guy.

They don't find the truck, but they DO find Balaam, who after some WHACKY SHENANIGANS gives chase. After they get away from the jaguar, they go over a waterfall because of course they do. In fact, they go over TWO waterfalls. After that, they run into... what the heck?

Are those... gorillas with bear ears? Gorillas don't live in the Mexican rainforest, they live in Africa. And they don't have bear ears. When we see them from the back, it's revealed that they have tails... and they take Manu and Chuy to some ruins where a bunch of other, smaller monkeys are... and one of them is PURPLE. Did Grape Ape and Donkey Kong have children with Ewoks or something?

The king of the monkeys and whatever those three bear-eared gorilla things are (Rob Schneider) is very annoyed that a coati and his Chinese stereotype sidekick have interrupted his daughter's birthday party, but his daughter (Amanda Troop) isn't too bothered because she thinks Chuy is adorable. They decide to sacrifice Manu to their "quartz god", and so their high priest actually summons a spirit from the underworld. No, really. Look at the screencap!

Y'know, I will say this about the movie: it's not good, but at least it's not boring either.

The sacrifice is interrupted by the arrival of Balaam, who scares off most of the monkeys. The king's daughter decides to save Manu and Chuy, showing them a secret exit door that leads to a temple full of Indiana Jones booby traps - up to and including a giant ball that they have to run from!

If somebody says "Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?!", I'm turning the movie off.

After getting out of the Temple of Doom, Manu, Chuy, and the king's daughter discover a bunch of humans chopping down trees. That sweaty guy from before is there, too. Manu and Chuy hitch a ride on the back of a truck that's going to Dr. Loco's lab, and eventually they spot the truck that Sacha is on... but it goes in a different direction and eventually winds up at a rickety-looking rope bridge over a gigantic chasm.

I'm getting anxious just LOOKING at the thing.

Manu and Chuy follow the truck across the bridge and manage to climb aboard, but the bridge collapses just before they can get to the other side. Long story short, the truck and its riders apparently make it to safety, but Manu and Chuy do not. Wow, did they just kill off the main character? Of course not, they grabbed a hanging branch on the way down, and after a run-in with a flock of bats, manage to land safely. Manu gets mad at Chuy again and storms off into a cave full of giant crystals.

Meanwhile, Artex somehow winds up inside a helicopter that Sweaty uses to get the "gene-fusion booster device" thingamajig to Dr. Loco. We get a fart joke, because we really needed that, didn't we?

I've got good news, though: the movie seems to be half-over.

Sacha, Tuana, Louca, and Kam manage to pop one of the truck's tires by throwing a nail at it, resulting in them needing to park so Helms (or, as Pacal calls him, Senor Jack) can force Pacal to fix the tire. Helms gets attacked by Balaam. As for Manu, he's walking through the cave being all "Oh, it's hopeless, I can't do it!" but then the magical white eagle appears to give him a pep talk. Voiced by Fred Tatasciore, he introduces himself as Cusumba, guardian of the jungle, he gives a big speech that goes like this: "The sun has given us life. And though we all look different, its light connects us all. And we all feed off its energy. Thousands of different species coexist in a natural balance. None of us is ever truly alone, not even you, Manu. The jungle was always there for you. Now, is is time for YOU to be there for THE JUNGLE. But you can not do this alone... and you don't have to. The jungle is not your only friend out there... is it?"

I have no idea what any of that meant. But it's Fred Tatasciore doing the voice, and I'm a huge fan of Fred's, so Cusumba is okay in my book.

"Oh, and use the force or something like that."

The helicopter lands at Dr. Loco's laboratory, so Sweaty can give Dr. Loco his gene-fusion booster whatever (the only one in the world!). He tests it out on a lizard, a frog, and duck, resulting in the creation of this thing:

That's it? A tiny lizard with wings and a rooster's comb? What kind of lizard/frog/duck hybrid creature is THAT?

Also, here's an amusing observation - Dr. Loco told Sweaty that he needed a female coati, a lizard, five toucans, a spider monkey, and a jaguar when Manu and Sacha were little. It's been years since then, as evidenced by Manu and Sacha now being teenagers. Sweaty and Helms sure took their sweet time getting him those animals (and doesn't he only have ONE toucan?). They must be huge procrastinators...

Then Helms shows up with Sacha, who Dr. Loco dubs the key to his formula. Meanwhile, Manu emerges from the cave and reunites with Chuy, who has enlisted the help of the monkeys from before. The king monkey explains that he, too, was once the humans' captive - Dr. Loco did experiments on him that gave him superintelligence, unimaginable pain, a way to speak to the "mighty quartz", and sugar cravings. But he managed to escape - minus his arm (and his dignity).

I actually didn't notice until now that he was missing an arm.

They sneak into Dr. Loco's laboratory, walk by a bunch of prison cells where other animals are held... and then the monkey king locks THEM in a cell, too. Wait, he's a bad guy now? Huh? What does he even have to gain from this?

Balaam is in the cell, too, but he doesn't want to eat them anymore. They watch as the humans take Sacha and Kam to Dr. Loco's lab. "Next time you see her, she'll have a jaguar tail!" the king monkey boasts. Fortunately, after everyone else leaves, Pacal sets Balaam, Manu, and Chuy free, showing them (and the audience) that not all humans are bad. It's just a select few. Just like in real life - for every Kevin Spacey, there's a Keanu Reeves or a Henry Winkler.

Manu and Chuy free all the other locked-up animals, and then Chuy pulls a lever that releases... this thing:

This thing, called a "Chimera" in the credits (and voiced by Fred Tatasciore as well), attempts to eat Artex, but Manu saves him. The Chimera tears up the place, draining the power from Dr. Loco's lab and sending Helms running for his life - which allows Manu, Chuy, and Balaam to sneak in. After dealing with Dr. Loco, the monkey king, and Sweaty, they try to free Sacha and Kam while Helms returns with a machine gun, only to get chased out by, y'know, the ferocious carnivorous big cat.

And a little purple monkey. That one's less justifiable.

As Manu is attempting to free Sacha and Kam from the machine that'll fuse them with a bunch of other animals (I don't see any CHICKENS in there, so don't ask me how this is going to create a super-chicken), Dr. Loco shows up in the helicopter and grabs the machine with a giant magnet - but in the process, Manu winds up pulling the lever that opens the hatch, freeing everyone except Sacha. Chuy tells the other monkeys that their king is in cahoots with the humans (apparently their paying him in candy makes up for their subjecting him to painful experiments), but before they can beat the crap out of him and Helms they manage to grab ahold of the machine as Dr. Loco flies overhead.

"We're gonna GO APE on you!"

"Uh, Larry? We're not apes, we're monkeys."

"I know, but I couldn't help myself..."

The bad guys get away, and then the Chimera shows up again. "He may look different, but he's one of us!" Manu claims. "I know what it's like to feel unwanted. You feel angry and alone. But none of us is ever truly alone." Yes, Manu actually manages to tame this savage beast. Eat your heart out, Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon!

Manu and the Chimera battle the bad guys while the other animals attack the humans who were cutting down the trees. Even Sacha gets in on the action by biting Helms' shoulder. Long story short, Manu rescues Sacha and the bad guys are forced to parachute out of the helicopter before it smashes into the chicken farm that they were having built... and land in a hill of fire ants. Dance party ending time!

So I guess the coati king is okay with Manu and Sacha being an item now?

What's the Verdict?

I do have to give this film credit for how unhinged it gets in the third act. Between the monkey king randomly becoming a twist villain, the presence of the Chimera, and the madcap climax, it's certainly much more fun to watch than anything I've seen in these obscure direct-to-video CGI films so far.

But the majority of the film isn't good enough to make getting to that third act worth it. The animation is better than it is in, say, Go Fish!, but that's not saying much. The animals (most of 'em, anyway, the jaguars are kind of iffy) look okay, but the humans look like they stepped out of a Playstation 3 game. The characters range from dull to unlikable to kind of annoying. Dr. Loco is kind of fun, but he doesn't get much screentime until (again) the third act. Most of the jokes aren't funny. The voice acting is a mixed bag - unsurprisingly, the professional voice actors (Fred Tatasciore, Brianne Brozey, Jessica DiCicco) all do well whereas the celebrities range from "well, at least they're TRYING" (Rob Schneider) to pointless (Drake Bell). So, no, as a whole I would not recommend watching Jungle Shuffle, but there are some good things I can say about it. There are worse animated films.

But wait, there's more! Since I recently uploaded my two hundredth review (this is review numero two hundred AND ONE!), and I love doing crossword puzzles, I thought it would be fun to create a crossword puzzle for those of you who read my blog to do. This allows you to test your knowledge regarding my blog and see how much you know about obscure cartoons and animated movies. And so, I present to you, The Animation and All Things Related Crossword Puzzle:

https://crosswordlabs.com/view/the-animation-and-all-things-related-crossword-puzzle

Remember, there's no shame in looking up any of the answers. I do it all the time!