Let's Watch This: "The Blue Elephant" (2007)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

I was originally going to write a review of The Ant Bully this week, but as it turns out there is no way to watch the full movie online. The only streaming service it's on is Amazon Prime, and you have to pay to watch it on there. Same goes for YouTube. So unless it pops up on Tubi or something, we're gonna have to wait on that review.

I remember buying The Blue Elephant on DVD when I saw it at WalMart (or maybe it was actually Target, I don't know), mostly because I've always loved elephants and animation so putting them together was a great way to get me to buy something. Oddly enough, I never actually WATCHED the movie. I don't think I even took the DVD out of its case.

It wasn't until years later, when I was compiling a list of obscure animated films to review on my blog, that I found out The Blue Elephant got its start as a Thai animated film called Khan Kluay, and that it was based on the story Chao Phraya Prap Hongsawadee by Ariya Jintapanichkarn. The film took three years to make, and was directed by Kompin Kemgumnird, who'd previously worked on Tarzan, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and Ice Age.

Somehow, the Weinstein Company got ahold of the movie and decided to give it an English dub and a direct-to-video release here in the U.S. As for the original Thai version, it eventually got a sequel and a spinoff TV series, the former of which ALSO got an English dub and was released here as Elephant Kingdom. Today, you can find The Blue Elephant free to watch on YouTube. Is the film any good? Let's find out, shall we?

The film starts off with what appears to be a shadow puppet show. According to the narrator, long ago in the faraway kingdom of Siam there lived a legendary elephant named Khan Kluay. Some say that he was just a myth, but the narrator says that Khan Kluay was real - he should know, he was there. It all began when Siam was invaded by Burma...

Then we cut to a young elephant carrying water back to her herd. Nuan (voiced by Amy Carlson), another member of the herd, has just had a baby. With their pastel color schemes, you might initially mistake them for Heffalumps. I get it, though - it'd probably be harder to tell them apart if they were all just brown-ish grey like real elephants are. Plus, it makes for a more visually-appealing movie.

These elephants also have the uncanny ability to speak without moving their mouths, a
pretty big indicator that the film was dubbed from another language.

"He's a handsome boy, Nuan," the herd's matriarch (Cindy Robinson) says. "Large eyes, thick skin, strong back... but I sense his true strength lies within. We shall name him Khan Kluay: 'great heart'." Okay, well, I sure hope Nuan didn't have another name in mind for HER son... just because you're the leader doesn't mean you get to make all the naming decisions, Matriarch. What if she wanted to call him Sheldon or something?

We cut to a few years later. While the other young elephants are practicing their brawling, Khan, voiced by Thomas Sharkey, is playing hide-and-seek with some frogs... one of who winds up with an elephant's butt falling on top of him. Ouch.

"I might just look really annoyed, but I'm actually in horrible pain!"

As if the poor frog hasn't suffered enough, the young elephants then proceed to inflate him like a balloon and start tossing him around like a volleyball. Khan attempts to save the frog, but doesn't actually do anything, instead just letting the frogs do the actual saving. Here it becomes clear that one of the young elephants - specifically, that orange-y one with the weirdly hairy back named Marong (Troy Baker) - is the film's stock dimwitted bully character whose main purpose is to make things harder for Khan.

Remember that one obnoxious zebra who gave Khumba a hard time? Marong is basically
that character, but he's an elephant.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" the young elephants chant, and Marong is all too happy to beat Khan up. Fortunately, Khan manages to avoid getting a smackdown by simply dodging Marong's blows, eventually sending him tumbling down the hill and into the pond. "This means WAR!" Marong declares. "Hey, you, come back and fight! I guess being a coward runs in the family!"

This hits pretty close to home for Khan. It was previously mentioned that his father is out fighting in the war against Burma, which is a pretty brave thing to do. Despite this, Marong claims that Khan's dad "turned tail in the middle of battle", which makes him a "chicken". This makes Khan MAD, and it leads to that fight Marong and the other young elephants so desperately wanted to see.

"I'm just gonna kick randomly and hope my foot flies into somebody else's face! It's not the most
effective way of fighting, but it's worth a shot!"

Their little brawl catches the attention of a little bird named Jai voiced by Martin Short, who also serves as the film's narrator. Little did Jai know at the time that this little blue elephant would change his life forever.

Khan returns to his mother with... well, his face looks pretty much fine, but I think the indication is supposed to be that he has a swollen eye or something. "How many times do I have to tell you that fighting is wrong?" Nuan asks. Hey, don't blame him - Marong started it. Khan even points this out, but Nuan won't listen. "Excuse me, ma'am, but sometimes you've GOTTA fight," Jai pipes up, but Nuan's not in the mood to listen to HIM either.

Taking out some of his "business cards"... the first of what I imagine will be many examples of the film's anachronistic humor...

The Burmese-Siamese wars were fought from the 16th to the 19th centuries. I'm pretty sure
that was long before "business cards" became a thing.

...Jai explains that he's one of the king of Siam's royal military birds. The matriarch says that, if Jai really IS a royal military bird, he must know about Khan's aforementioned father, Pran. Checking his record book, Jai identifies him as a hero in the Battle of Ayutthaya. Just then, Marong and his chums run in with the news that there are soldiers around.

"I don't know, but I've been told..."
"I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!"
"Harvey Weinstein's a sleazy toad!"
"HARVEY WEINSTEIN'S A SLEAZY TOAD!"

These soldiers are Burmese, and according to Jai they've taken young Prince Naresuan (also Troy Baker) prisoner. "When humans fight, we all suffer," the matriarch says. Don't I know it... okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

The elephants head into the jungle where they'll be safe. As the others snooze, Khan asks his mother who this "Pran" guy is... wait a minute, he doesn't know the name of his dad? "He's... he's my father, isn't he? And he did something bad?" he guesses. "That's why everybody acts so weird whenever somebody mentions his name! He ran away in the middle of a battle, didn't he?" Nuan insists that Khan's father is a hero. Problem is, he was taken prisoner, so Nuan goes all King Triton and tells Khan to stay away from the dangerous humans. Yes, it's one of those "animals think humans are evil" movies. But considering how many elephants have been poached by humans over the years, I think the elephants' fear of them is justified.

Is this the part where she starts singing "Baby Mine"?

So even though Nuan told Khan to stay away from humans, what does Khan do? He sneaks off while his mother's asleep, determined to find his father... which involves entering the Burmese raiders' camp. Khan, you fool. He sees a bunch of pigs, chickens, and cows in cages and stuff, presumably so the raiders have something to eat, and asks one cow who sounds like Miss Piggy if she's seen his father. One ornery steer tells him that the elephants are in tents with tusks. And sure enough, he does find an elephant in there, covered with battle scars and glowing red eyes.

"You wanna know how I got these scars?"

Outside, the Burmese raiders hear the bellows coming from the tent. When they go to check it out, they find Khan and start chasing him around the camp. Fortunately, he manages to hide out in the tent where Prince Naresuan is being held prisoner. I can't help but notice that the kindhearted Siamese prince has normal-looking features, but the Burmese raiders all look like racist caricatures. I also can't help but find that problematic.

Also, why are both the Siamese prince and the Burmese raiders voiced by white guys?
I'm getting flashbacks to Quackerz...

Prince Naresuan forbids the raiders from entering his tent to look for the elephant, but alas, they spot Khan as he sneaks out of the camp and once again give chase. He manages to get away... by falling off a cliff and into the water below.

Poor Khan has been separated from his herd. In the morning, he comes across another elephant - a PINK elephant, to be precise. No, he's not drunk, the elephant is pink because otherwise we wouldn't be able to tell that it's a girl. Obviously.

Then again, the eyelashes and the flower might have also done the trick.

This is Kon Suay (voiced by Miranda Cosgrove), and with her help Khan manages to make it home quite quickly. I was expecting it to take him the whole movie, but nope, he's back in just a few seconds. But what's this? The other elephants aren't there. Jai's narration explains that they must have been chased off by those pesky Burmese raiders. On the bright side, Kon Suay says that her father knows every inch of this jungle, so maybe he can help Khan find his mom. Khan goes all Golden Girls and thanks her for being a friend.

When they arrive at Kon Suay's home, Khan discovers that her father is NOT, in fact, an elephant - he's a human being!

What a twist!

Did Kon Suay's mother have a thing for humans and marry this guy? We'll have to find out later, it's much more important to have another chase scene between Khan and an ugly-looking dog.

Meanwhile, Prince Naresuan is taken to the raiders' capital city in Burma, where he shall live at the mercy of Burma's evil prince, Minchit Sra (Troy Baker again) until his family complies with their wishes. What are they going to do with him? Again, we'll have to find out later, we cut back to Khan. Apparently this little village where Kon Suay's father lives is keeping other elephants and using them as slave labor. The fiends!

Suddenly, we get an appearance from GAH! What the heck am I looking at?!

That is terrifying. I'm going to be seeing it in my nightmares. Thanks a lot, movie.

Kon Suay shows up as Khan is being tortured by the demonic baby from the pits of the Uncanny Valley. She insists that her father will help him find his mother once he's healed, but Khan is unconvinced - he lives in a village full of humans who use elephants as slave labor. "In this village, elephants are free," Kon Suay says. "You can't judge people until you get to know them." In response, Khan tells Kon Suay to beat it, and she does, taking the terrifying baby with her.

As the summer makes way for the fall, Khan continues to heal. Eventually, his leg is all healed, just in time for bandits to invade the village. Kon Suay's father (Carl Reiner) urges Khan to stay hidden lest the bandits find him and drag him off to Burma to be a slave for their army. But as we've established, Khan is not very good at following directions, and sneaks out to find his mother.

Holy crap, Garfield has been hitting the steroids!

Why do so many of my reviews have jokes about steroids in them?

Jai's narration explains that the soldiers of Burma were nothing more than bandits and that their so-called "taxes" were just an excuse to rob their villages, bringing along their tiger and their... what exactly are these purple animals supposed to be? One of them calls himself a "big bad wolf", but when have you ever seen a wolf with spots and a striped lemur-esque tail? I want to say they look like demonic coatis, but coatis don't live in Asia so that can't be it. I have no idea what they are.

Has there EVER been an animal, any sort of animal, in Asia that looked like this?

The leader of the bandits, Ajan (Richard Epcar), tells them to take everything in the village - their food, land, and lives belong to the king of Burma, he claims. I was expecting them to find Khan and drag him off to Burma, but nope, he manages to sneak off into the jungle. Elephants are surprisingly stealthy. And guess who he runs into again? Jai! Just then, they hear an elephant's trumpet and discover that Kon Suay and that terrifying baby are being attacked by those purple animals, who Jai calls "weasels". They don't look like weasels to me at all, but y'know what, I'll take it. I have no idea what else they could be.

The Heffalumps and Woozles have turned on each other!

Khan and Jai do their best to fight off the "weasels", but just when it seems like they're outnumbered, Kon Suay's father shows up on another elephant, accompanied by the other villagers, to save them. Jai recognizes Kon Suay's father as Tian, the elephant trainer, and seeing them take care of Kon Suay makes Khan start to think that maybe humans aren't so bad.

Later on, Jai tells Khan about how he's been at the front lines, where there's a lot of hostility to be worked out. When Khan brings up that Pran is his dad, Jai reveals that the royal elephants live in the city, so maybe that's where he'll find his parents. But to see the royal elephants, you have to BE a royal elephant. So, in other words, you have to be Babar? He's a king, so he qualifies as a royal elephant, doesn't he? (Note to self: review something with Babar in it).

Prince Naresuan escaped from the Burmese off-camera and reclaimed the throne, and he has asked Tian to train the strongest elephants in the land and prepare them to become members of the royal elephants - after all, Siam will need large, powerful animals like elephants if they're going to take back their independence. This means that it's training montage time!

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight..."

The king of Burma is outraged by Prince Naresuan's freedom, and his demands for the people of Siam get worse and worse. But they, especially Khan, grow stronger and stronger. Eventually, Khan has gotten larger and gained an impressive pair of tusks (he's also now voiced by Jeremy Redleaf). Strangely, no one else seems to have aged a day. Even Kon Suay doesn't look much older...

Ticket sales for the Radio City Music Hall have increased dramatically since the introduction
of the All-Elephant Rockettes.

Oh, and as you could probably have guessed, Khan and Kon Suay are an item now. It seems that Jai's gonna get a girlfriend too, as a female dove shows up and he starts flirting with her. She's there to deliver a message to Tian - that Prince, or rather KING Naresuan has declared their independance. Siam is free! Which I guess means all that training was for nothing, but what are you gonna do?

Everybody dances awkwardly to celebrate being freed from the Burmese. But the bandits show up again the next day, only for the villagers to give them an egg and nothing more. They can't retaliate against the villagers either, lest they ignite the wrath of the elephants. There's just one problem... remember that tiger from earlier? Yeah, the bandits still have the tiger with them, and tigers are known for being very dangerous.

Incidentally, it's revealed here that the tiger's name is Snowball. Somehow, I feel like that name would be more fitting for a WHITE tiger. Since, y'know, snow is white.

That one villager is oddly happy about being chased by a tiger.

Fortunately, Khan manages to defeat the tiger. Unfortunately, Ajan holds Tian at gunpoint. Fortunately, Khan saves Tian by... forcing Ajan to smell his foot. Um, okay then. "You're gonna regret this. The king of Burma will have your heads!" Ajan snaps, but the villagers just send him and the other bandits packing.

The next morning, some of the villagers and elephants head off to help protect Siam. When they arrive in the capital of Siam, Jai tells him that the king is holding a contest to find the strongest royal elephants. The first challenge? Lifting ten tons of logs, which results in a tie between Khan and another elephant named Mongo. Next they have to push the logs, which leads to another tie. And how's this for a coincidence? Nuan is in the capital of Siam too, as one of the worker elephants.

Eventually, it all comes down to Khan and Mongo. They have to push twenty tons of wood across the field. Nuan catches a glimpse of Khan and is thrilled to see her son okay, but just as Khan runs over, Nuan gets dubbed a "rogue elephant" and dragged away. It seems like Khan might be as well when he attempts to save her, but then King Naresuan (now voiced by Richard Epcar) shows up and recognizes him. "This elephant, like our country, might be small in size," he says (are you sure about that?), "But his heart is great. He fought against overwhelming odds, not for greed or for power but to protect a loved one. We must follow his example. We must fight for our friends. For our families. We must fight to set our children free. My people, today I have found my royal elephant!"

As everyone else is getting ready for battle, Khan, Nuan, and Jai are trying to find Khan's father. "I should have told you about your father, Khan. I just wanted to forget the war," Nuan says. "What it did to our family. I wanted YOUR life to be different." Eventually, they're able to find the building where Pran should be located. They don't find him, but they DO find another royal elephant who knew Pran. He leads them to the Hall of Heroes, where the remains of the greatest warriors are kept. "Up there, lad. See that painting in the distance? That is your father on the left," he explains.

The painting depicts Pran and the other royal elephants marching out to face the invaders. "We might have won, too," the royal elephant says. "But then, HE came... the Black Elephant. Tusks like tree trunks. Eyes like burning coals. He fought to live and lived to fight." He's referring to that scary battle-scarred red-eyed elephant who Khan encountered before. He might've been killed had it not been for Pran, who bravely fought the Black Elephant.

Alas, Pran was no match for the Black Elephant and wound up killed. "Khan will not throw his life away on a battlefield," Nuan declares. "Pran did not throw his life away. He sacrificed himself for me, and for YOU," the royal elephant insists. "He fell, but he lives on in our hearts. He can only truly be forgotten if you make his sacrifice meaningless. War is never good, but sometimes, when your home is threatened, when your loved ones are in danger, sometimes you have to take a stand." Khan realizes what he must do...

I'm just kidding, he and King Naresuan lead the good guys into battle. The Burmese have them outnumbered, but they're not going down without a fight. Arrows fly. Swords clash. Elephants brawl. Eventually Minchit Sra shows up on the back of the Black Elephant. Why is he called that, anyway? He's not black. He's red.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know how the quote goes."

It's really hard for me to describe an intense battle and make it sound exciting, the best I can do is "They fight. It seems like the bad guy might have the upper hand, but the good guy triumphs." Let's see what I can do...

"For Nuan, my mother. For Kon Suay. For my country... and FOR. MY. FATHEEEEEEER!" Khan shouts as he finally manages to take the Black Elephant down. The air is filled with the sound of his triumphant trumpet, the winds swirling around him as though he were in the eye of a tornado.

"Your king is defeated! The war is over! PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS!" Jai declares. The Burmese soldiers do so, because I guess they can hear what the animals are saying? Khan has avenged his father and saved their country. King Naresuan appoints him "Lord Protector of Siam". He returns to the village to be with Kon Suay, and legend says that his descendants live to this very day. And then the film just... ends.

According to the end credits, the screenplay for the english dub was written by Evan Spiliotopoulos. IMDB tells me that he also wrote the screenplay for the live action Beauty and the Beast remake, Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers, and Pooh's Heffalump Movie (which makes those Heffalump jokes I made kind of ironic, doesn't it?). Just thought I'd bring that up.

What's the Verdict?

The Blue Elephant is okay. I usually associate direct-to-video CGI animated films with total crap (can you blame me?), but this one clearly had some effort put into it - even the english dub avoids being another Doogal in spite of the film having the Weinstein Company's name on it. The characters are fine, if not particularly interesting. Most of the voice actors do a good job, with Martin Short in particular being a highlight (I like Martin Short. So sue me). I think what bogs the film down mostly is its mediocre animation. The elephants aren't so bad, but the humans are pretty spooky-looking. Also, the jokes aren't very funny, though they could've been a lot worse - I didn't see ONE pop culture reference, which is quite an accomplishment since, again, this was made by the same company that gave us Doogal.

Maybe we'll look at Elephant Kingdom another time, maybe we won't, I'm not sure. If you want to watch this film for yourself, like I said, you can find it on YouTube. It's nothing spectacular but I think it's worth watching at least once, especially if you're like me and love elephants.

Before we end the review, I should mention that it was brought to you by...

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Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The Get Along Gang"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Somebody requested that I review The Get Along Gang, and I am nothing if not a people-pleaser. Unless that person who wants to be pleased is someone who likes Jellystone!, then they're just gonna have to put up with me.

The titular Get Along Gang consisted of six anthropomorphic animal kids: Montgomery Moose (voiced by Sparky Marcus), Dotty Dog (voiced by Bettina "Rainbow Brite" Bush), Bingo Beaver (voiced by a young Scott Menville), Zipper Cat (voiced by Robbie Lee), Woolma Lamb (voiced by Georgi Irene), and Portia Porcupine (voiced by Sherry Lynn). They were first created in 1983 by Tony Byrd, Tom Jacobs, Ralph Shaffer, Linda Edwards, Muriel Fahrion, and Mark Spangler for a series of greeting cards by American Greetings. Loosely inspired by the Our Gang short films, the cards sold well enough for Nelvana to produce a pilot for a cartoon show starring the characters, which aired on Nickelodeon in May 1984. After the pilot, production of the show was handed over to DiC, and the show began airing on CBS. Only thirteen episodes, each one consisting of two segments (making for a total of twenty-six segments in total), were produced before the show was canned and greeting card sales started to decline. Attempts at relaunching the franchise since then have been washes. Sorry, Get Along Gang... we can't all be the Care Bears.

This show was made during that time period in the 1980s when cartoons had to focus mostly on learning valuable life lessons about getting along, working together, group harmony, and things like that. Garfield and Friends writer Mark Evanier talked about this sort of thing on his blog in a post talking about his time working on the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon that premiered a year before (note to self: review that cartoon at some point). Specifically, he said, "There are those our there who attempt to influence the content of childrens' television. We call them 'parents groups', although many are not comprised of parents, or at least not of folks whose primary interest is as parents. Study them and you'll find a wide array of agendum at work... and I suspect that, in some cases, their stated goals are far away from their real goals. Nevertheless, they all seek to make kidvid more enriching and redeeming, at least by their definitions, and at the time, they had enough clout to cause the networks to yield. Consultants were brought in and we, the folks who were writing cartoons, were ordered to include certain 'pro-social' morals in our shows. At the time, the dominant 'pro-social' moral was as follows: the group is always right... the complainer is always wrong. This was the message of way too many eighties' cartoon shows. If all your friends want to go get pizza and you want a burger, you should bow to the will of the majority and go get pizza with them. There was even a show for one season on CBS called The Get-Along Gang, which was dedicated unabashedly to this principle. Each week, whichever member of the gang didn't get along with the gang learned the error of his or her ways." This was what led to the creation of the Buddy Bears in Garfield and Friends, although Mark said that while he did cross swords with Standards and Practices and argued a lot "with one particular lady at ABC", none of this actually inspired the Buddy Bears. "Sometimes when you're a writer and you have strong feelings about something, you just find yourself writing about it," he explained.

So, why is The Get Along Gang so infamous? Why don't we watch an episode of the show and find out? Specifically, we'll be watching the second episode, which consists of the segments "Caboose on the Loose" and "Montgomery's Mechanical Marvel". This is The Get Along Gang.

We start off with Portia and Bingo playing marbles, with Bingo doing some sort of "special super-shot" that sends a marble flying into Zipper's mouth. For some reason, this leads to Zipper nagging Bingo about how betting is "for suckers" - apparently one of Bingo's character traits is that he has a betting problem. Better keep this kid out of Vegas, then.

After that, Montgomery, Dotty, and Woolma show up with some great news: they're having a rowboat race in the park tomorrow, and Montgomery signed up!

It really annoys me that they gave the moose a dog/bear nose. What, a moose can't
be cute if it just has its usual big nose? I believe Disney proved that is false.

Bingo is so sure that Montgomery will win, he tells him that he's gonna get a big surprise ready for after the race. Dotty claims that Montgomery won't win unless he trains, and then Bingo is subjected to WHACKY SHENANIGANS!

"Bingo, what are you doing?"
"Oh, y'know, just hanging around?"
"Boooooooo!"

"How's about you help by not helping, okay, Bungo?" Zipper snaps. Jeez, what is this cat's problem? He's done nothing but chew out Bingo for the smallest of things since the episode started. I know cats in cartoons more often than not have a bad attitude, but Zipper's really starting to annoy me.

We then cut to the show's antagonists, Leland Lizard (Nicky Katt) and Catchum Crocodile (Timothy Gibbs). Catchum is your typical 1980s cartoon bully, the kind who probably would've been the one selling drugs if this show had a "drugs are bad for you" episode. Leland is his wimpy, milquetoast sidekick. You'll notice that they, the bad guys, are reptiles whereas the Get Along Gang, the good guys, consist entirely of mammals. This is because, at this point in the animation industry, reptiles weren't considered cute like mammals are. Unless they were turtles, that is.

I know it's kind of silly to bring realism into a show with talking animals, but why is the
lizard almost as big as the crocodile?

I figured the majority of the episode would be focused on Montgomery training for the race, but instead, we promptly cut to the next day, just as the race is about to begin. Catchum's in the race, too, and because he's a two-dimensional cartoon bully, he's decided that the only way he can win is by cheating - he hides in the water and takes a saw to Montgomery's oar. And believe it or not, he wins the race. I thought cheaters never prospered. Wacky Races lied to me!

And how come nobody noticed Catchum get out of his boat and jump into the water, or the saw sticking out of the water cutting away at Montgomery's oar?

Incidentally, I wrote this review on August 14th - which is World Lizard Day. I swear it's
just a coincidence that I chose to write a review of a cartoon with a lizard in it.

Later, the kids are sitting in their clubhouse moping when Catchum barges in and declares that he's taking over their clubhouse. How does winning a rowboat race give you the right to steal somebody's clubhouse? Well, Bingo made a bet with him that if Montgomery won the race, Catchum would give him ten gallons of "chocolate woodchip ice cream"... but if Montgomery DIDN'T win, Catchum would get their clubhouse.

I think this calls for that clip of multiple people slapping their foreheads in unison...

"Bingo had no right to bet the clubhouse without asking all of us first!" Dotty complains. Can't they just, I don't know, refuse to give Catchum their clubhouse? Somehow, I doubt Catchum would've actually given Bingo the ten gallons of ice cream if Montgomery had won. But according to Montgomery, Bingo's word is the club's word, and so long as there wasn't any cheating, it's a fair bet. "You heard him, Get Along Gang! So GET ALONG!" Catchum snaps.

After the Get Along Gang leaves, Catchum whips out a birthday cake and party hats. I didn't know it was his birthday. Or maybe it isn't and he doesn't know that you're only supposed to put candles on a cake when it's somebody's birthday. Oh, wait, it could be his UNbirthday. In that case, it's fine.

"A very merry unbirthday to me!"

Zipper finds Bingo moping at the dock and points out to him how stupid it was for him to bet the clubhouse. He also reveals that he found Montgomery's oar floating in the water, and Bingo notices that it's been sawed through. Clearly, this must mean that Catchum cheated. Uh, small problem, guys... while we, the audience, know that Catchum is a cheating cheater from Cheatanooga, you don't have any proof that he's the one who sawed through the oar yet. How do you know it wasn't, say, a mischevious trout?

Bingo runs back to the clubhouse and confronts Catchum, who promptly throws the cake at his head... way to waste food, Catchum. Bingo ducks, so the cake hits Leland instead, sending him flying over to the caboose's steering wheel. This somehow causes the caboose to start rolling downhill. Cartoon logic, just go with it...

Meanwhile, Zipper finds Montgomery, Portia, Woolma, and Dotty at the ice cream shop and tells them that Catchum tricked them. That means they have the clubhouse back! That is, if they can stop it from rolling down the track.

"I don't know how, but something tells me this is Bingo's fault..."

The caboose eventually flies off the track and onto a conveniently-placed raft, which travels down the river towards a waterfall - remember, rivers in animation ALWAYS lead to waterfalls. Montgomery manages to polevault aboard, and Catchum tells him that he can have the clubhouse back if he just saves them... then does a 180 and decides to jump off via pogostick. Long story short, the other members of the Get Along Gang manage to save Montgomery and Bingo with a rope.

Now, how will they get the caboose out of the water? Easy - the tracks aren't far, Montgomery points out, so they can just push it there. So, we're supposed to believe that these kids can lift a caboose off a raft and onto dry land, then push it all the way back to the train tracks? Unless all six of these kids are on steroids, I'm calling shenanigans. Especially since the segment ends before we can even see them attempt it.

"Montgomery's Mechanical Marvel" begins with the Bingo, Zipper, Dotty, Woolma, and Portia waiting to see Montgomery's creation for the science fair - apparently, he wins the science fair every year.

"In hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have mounted Montgomery's head to the outside of
the clubhouse."
"But he looks so good up there!"

So what does Montgomery's project turn out to be? A robot. Yes, he actually managed to build a robot. Usually, in cartoons, kids who enter science fairs make paper-mache volcanoes and small stuff like that. This young moose somehow managed to build a ROBOT. A robot who even seems to have artificial intelligence. Forget winning the science fair, Montgomery should be getting a Nobel Prize or something!

He also named the robot "Hermey", presumably after his favorite Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer character.

If he's named Hermey, shouldn't he have an "H" on his sweater instead of an "M"?

Everyone is very impressed by Montgomery's robot. Unbeknownst to them, who should be slithering over to take a peek at his project but Catchum and Leland. Yes, Catchum is entering the science fair too, and once again he's going to cheat. Clearly he learned nothing from the events of the previous segment.

Catchum and Leland spot the Get Along Gang playing baseball with Hermey, and upon discovering that Montgomery built, y'know, a ROBOT, Catchum gets an idea: he'll disguise Leland as a robot. Apparently he's hoping that the judges at the science fair either need glasses or are very, very stupid.

"Doro armigoto, Mr. Roboto!"

Meanwhile, the Get Along Gang take their mechanical marvel into town to get some ice cream, but upon seeing it, an old lady rabbit panics and calls up Officer Growler (Don Messick) about the strange "monster" walking around. He doesn't see Hermey, but he DOES see Leland in his robot costume and thinks that HE'S the monster he was called about. And then he... does nothing about it? Uh, okay then...

We then cut to the science fair. Portia talks to Woolma about all the funny inventions on display there, but we don't actually get to see any of them because I guess there just wasn't enough time in the episode for that. The judges announce that they've narrowed it down to Hermey and Catchum's "robot". Portia and Dotty recognize Leland in that metal getup because, unlike the judges, they're not idiots. But just to make sure he wins, Catchum sneaks backstage and starts sabotaging Hermey, pulling wires out of his back. It's futile, Dotty manages to make Leland sneeze, revealing to everyone that he is not, in fact, a robot. And here's something else that might surprise you: the White House is painted WHITE.

The judges apparently didn't see this, or Catchum and Leland promptly running off. Wow, these guys are even dumber than Bingo. Instead, they just say they'll see Hermey perform first. Since Catchum sabotaged Hermey, this results in WHACKY SHENANIGANS!

Insert reference to that scene from The Exorcist here.

"Hermey's circuits are overloading! There's no telling WHAT he might do!" Montgomery exclaims. Eventually, Hermey starts chasing after Catchum and Leland, cornering them in the ice cream shop, but the Get Along Gang manage to catch him in a snare trap. Portia presses the red button in Hermey's back, shutting the robot off. The day is saved, and Catchum and Leland are punished by being forced to clean up the town. Huzzah.

What's the Verdict?

Y'know, I've said this before, but the hardest reviews to write are the ones of things that are mediocre. It's difficult to make saying "this isn't the worst thing ever but it's not particularly good either" funny.

This is one of those examples. If I could sum up The Get Along Gang in one sentence, I would say this: it doesn't stand out at all. There's nothing here we haven't seen in other 1980s cartoons. Cute animals? Lotta other cartoons starring cute animals from the 1980s. A gang of kids learning life lessons? Potato Head Kids might not have been anything spectacular but it was at least slightly more interesting than this. The characters are dull, the animation is fine but nothing to write home about, and the jokes aren't funny at all. I wouldn't say this show is awful, but unless you're under the age of seven, I would not recommend watching it. There are better cartoons worth your time.

I will say this, though... I didn't notice any of the "complainer is always wrong" thing people say this show was obsessed with in this episode at all. The closest they came was Montgomery saying that the gang would fix whatever problem they had by "working together" or whatever in both segments. Granted, this was an early episode, so maybe it got more prominent as the show went on...

Let's Watch This... Again: An Episode of "Mighty Max"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Wow, it's been a while since I've done a re-review, hasn't it? I wonder why that is. Let's fix it...

Mighty Max, created by Mark Zaslove and Rob Hudnut, was based on a toyline that was kind of like Polly Pocket but for boys. It premiered in September 1993 as part of a syndicated children's block called "Amazing Adventures" and received two seasons and a total of forty episodes. The premise? I'm going to be lazy and copy-paste the description from my first review: a kid named Max, voiced by Rob Paulsen, gets a small statue of a bird one day in the mail. It's inscribed with Egyptian hieroglyphs that translates to, essentially, "Congratulations, kid. You're the Chosen One. Go to the mini-mall and wait for a sign." Max is so shocked that he drops the statue, and inside as it turns out was a magic baseball cap that allows Max to travel through space and time. Long story short, he winds up meeting a magic fowl named Virgil (voiced by Tony Jay) and a Viking named Norman (voiced by Richard Moll). They travel around the world defending it from such foes as brain-sucking aliens, werewolves, a giant octopus, crazy scientists, etc.

I previously reviewed the twenty-fifth episode of the show, "Tar Wars", in which Max and his compadres ventured into the La Brea tar pits and encountered a caveman and a saber-toothed tiger. I found the episode just okay. That was back in 2019, so today I'm going to review another episode of the show, this one part of the first season: the sixth episode, "Rumble in the Jungle". Will I like this one more? Let's find out!

We start off in the jungles of Africa - somewhere in the Congo, I believe - where Max's mother (Tress MacNeille) is being chased by what appear to be members of Tarzan's fan club. Eventually, they corner her in front of a large rock and carry her off, as per the orders of this gorilla watching from nearby. Who IS this strange ape?

Marvin the Martian called, he wants that thing from the top of his helmet back.

Then we cut to Max, lounging in a hammock in his backyard. So apparently Max's mother just left him at home, by himself, while she went off to Africa? I don't know how old Max is supposed to be, but even if he's a teenager, I don't think leaving him at home alone while you go to ANOTHER CONTINENT is a good idea - his father is never seen or mentioned, so apparently his mother is all he's got. Great parenting, Max's mom!

Suddenly, Max sees an airplane doing some skywriting aimed directly at him. It tells him to go to the library and "turn left at Shakespeare". I assume that somewhere in Max's town there's a street named after William Shakespeare and that's what they mean. Either that or there's a section of the library exclusively for Shakespeare's works and he has to turn left when he finds it.

"Oh, crap, I was supposed to write 'SURRENDER DOROTHY', wasn't I? Ah well,
I'm sure the Wicked Witch will understand..."

We never actually see Max at the library, however, we just cut to him being spit out of a portal in the middle of a Roman colosseum. Virgil and Norman are there too, and Virgil tells Max that his mother is in a "great deal of jeopardy"... according to some scrolls he's reading, that is.

"This scroll says that our show is going to fall into obscurity after it's taken off the air
in 1994. We won't even get a DVD release!"

So off Max, Virgil, and Norman head to the Congo, which is apparently very close to Rome seeing as they're able to get there pretty quickly. Unfortunately, the path they're crossing gives way and they fall into the brush below. After that, they find an abandoned jeep, with a tank still full of gas AND the keys still in the ignition. "This reeks of foul play," Virgil claims. Seeing as you're a bird, shouldn't that actually be "FOWL play"?

Please laugh. I'm trying so hard...

Sorry, Max, you're too young to have a driver's license. I think. I still have no idea
what age you're supposed to be.

Then those George of the Jungle cosplayers we saw chasing Max's mother before show up again and give chase. Max momentarily calms them down with the power of rock 'n' roll (good thing he brought his handheld radio), but then that gorilla in Roman duds shows up again in a zebra-pulled chariot and says in the voice of Dr. Claw that rock 'n' roll is the work of evil spirits. "Must prefer Sinatra," Max mutters. Actually, I think a gorilla's favorite genre of music is swing. Get it? 'Cause they're always swinging on vines? At least in cartoons?

...that was at least sort of funny, right?

A screencap from that cult classic, King Kong vs. Emperor Nero.

Fortunately, my jokes aren't the worst ones here: Norman then randomly chuckles and says, "Monkey see, monkey DO." Apparently, he needs to read up on his primate facts, because as we all know, gorillas are APES, not monkeys. Max, Virgil, and Norman make a run for it, the gorillas and cavemen in hot pursuit, eventually diving into a river to get away. But because it's a river in something animated, it leads to... let's see if you can guess. Is it..

A) A waterfall

B) A gift shop

OR C) The house of Max's weird uncle who collects dirt in jars?

If you guessed B or C, I think you need to watch more cartoons...

And why don't people ever put signs in front of rivers reading "WARNING: THIS RIVER LEADS
TO A WATERFALL. DO NOT SWIM IN IT" or something like that?

Over the falls they go, pleasing the Dr. Claw-voiced gorilla. Of course, as soon as the simians leave they emerge from the water, and Virgil suggests that perhaps Max's mother had the misfortune of running into the gorillas as well. "Let's make like an ape and follow them before they get away!" Max says, and they wind up following them to this charming place:

"This is AMAZING! A whole alternate gorilla civilization!" Virgil clucks. "How extraordinary!" Sneaking inside, they discover that the caveman are the gorillas' slaves, forcing them to build things and tying them to posts when they do things to make them mad.

Wait a minute... intelligent anthropomorphic gorillas enslaving primitive humans? I think it's pretty obvious what science fiction movie this episode was inspired by...

Spoiler alert, Max: it was Earth all along! Those maniacs, they blew up the Statue of Liberty! Darn them! Darn them all to Heck!

"I wanna know...
Can you show me?
I wanna know about these strangers like me..."

One of the cavemen shows Max where his mother is - locked in a cell, having to deal with mosquitos. But before they can get them out, the gorillas show up and the leader is all "OH NO YOU DON'T!".

Considering how many pop culture references Max made in "Tar Wars", I fully expect
him to make a Planet of the Apes reference himself at some point.

The gorillas take them to the alpha male of the pack, voiced by Jim Cummings, who does not believe their claims that they come from "beyond the valley". The one in Roman gladiator garb insists that Max and his crew "bring evil thoughts" and that they must be eliminated. "Might doesn't always make right, Bonzo!" Max snaps (for those unaware, this is a reference to the 1950s film about a chimpanzee Bedtime For Bonzo). "We can do things in our world you guys never even DREAMED OF!" For example, they have telephones and laws and airplanes. On the other hand, the gorillas don't have Twitter. Or Discord. So who's better off?

"They bring evil sorcery! They must be destroyed before their words and deeds harm us!" the roman gladiator gorilla declares. The alpha male, however, isn't sure what to think, so he tells them to just lock Max, his mom, Virgil, and Norman up until he makes his decision.

So when does he start singing "I Wanna Be Like You"?

The good guys are able to escape their cell with ease, then Norman gets to quench his thirst for violence by attacking the gorilla guarding it. Then they run into that caveman who helped them before. He gives Max a rock, which as Maxine can tell you make great gifts. In return, Max gives the caveman a comb. "Gee, I hope this doesn't mean we're engaged or anything..." he says, the first line out of his mouth that I actually find funny.

But as they're trying to escape, a gorilla spots them and sounds the alarm. It seems like the gorillas have them trapped... even though one of them is a big, strong Viking who effortlessly plowed through a bunch of the apes just a few seconds ago, but seeing them gives the primitive human slaves the determination to rise up against their gorilla captors, pelting them with rocks and stuff. Is this what they call "gorilla warfare"? Ba-dum kssssh.

"If you have any poo, fling it NOW!"

Eventually, Norman manages to topple over the giant stone gorilla head on top of the temple they're standing on, sending it falling down onto the apes, but even THAT isn't enough to take them out. Geez, I know gorillas are strong, but they're not made of iron. Fortunately, the alpha male shows up and tells everyone to knock it off - but he's still going to have the good guys executed. Max insists that if they just let them leave, they'll never return to the Kingdom of the Apes, but the roman gladiator gorilla... y'know what, since they never mentioned this guy's name, I'm going to call him Larry... doesn't believe there is anywhere outside the kingdom for them to go. "It was only twenty to one! You wouldn't be so tough by yourself!" Max tells him. "Fair enough!" Larry snaps. "I'll fight YOU!" Dang it, Max, what have you gotten yourself into?

"C'mon, couldn't we settle this over a tall frothy glass of Um Bongo? They drink it in the
Congo, don't they?

Max knows that he's no match for, as Virgil puts it, a bloodthirsty eight-hundred-pound gorilla wanting to tear him limb from limb, but don't worry, he has a plan. He asks Virgil for their "portal map", and as soon as Virgil hands it to him, he... makes a run for it. Did he really need the portal map to do that? Well, anyway, he finds the jeep from before and drives off in it, but Larry still manages to catch up. Fortunately, the portal map tells him where to find a portal he can send Larry through.

When Max returns, the alpha male offers to let him take the throne, but Max says he just wants to head home and get a pizza. And for the gorillas to treat the cavemen as equals. The alpha male agrees. Huzzah!

Oh, and in case you're wondering where the portal send Larry to... well, it's SOMEWHERE in the middle of the desert, we know THAT. My headcanon is that it's what eventually became the actual Planet of the Apes. This was a prequel the whole time.

"Dang it, I forgot to TiVo my soap operas..."

When Max gets home, he tells the audience about gorillas and how they're the largest primates on earth. Did you know that there are only 50,000 lowland gorillas and only 320 mountain gorillas left in the whole world... not counting his Aunt Matilda, of course (I hope his mom didn't hear him say that)? "Always do what you can to help the world's wildlife," he tells us. Unless they're anthropomorphic warriors who enslave cavemen and want to have you executed, of course.

What's the Verdict?

I personally liked this episode of Mighty Max better than "Tar Wars". Max was a lot less annoying (I actually found a couple of his quips funny!) and there were a lot less pop culture references. I'm shocked they resisted the urge to make a Planet of the Apes joke. Plus, this episode has Jim Cummings lending his voice to it, and you know what a big fan of him I am. I do wish Virgil had a bit more to do, because he's pretty awesome, and I would've liked some sort of explanation as to how this tribe of anthropomorphic gorillas actually got started... why did these gorillas evolve but seemingly no other jungle animals did? Why are the humans still primitive cavemen?

If you'd like to watch Mighty Max for yourself, you can find episodes on YouTube in varying quality. Apparently, there wasn't ever a DVD release and I don't think it's on any streaming platforms, so that's the only way you can watch it right now. Enjoy.

This review was brought to you by...

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