Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Spliced"

Ladies and gentlemen, do I have a lousy cartoon for you today.

Spliced is another show from the folks at Nelvana - for those unaware, that's the same company that spawned Little Bear, Rolie Polie Olie, and Franklin. In Canada, it aired on Teletoon and Cartoon Network, but here in America, it aired on Qubo alongside shows like Veggietales and another show that I've taken a look at on this blog, Ned's Newt. It's sort of a comedic take on The Island of Dr. Moreau.

The extremely catchy theme song gives the show's plot:

"On a tiny little island in the ocean called Pacific
There's a mixed-up group of creatures who are really quite horrific
Mixed together with whatever crap was found or could be grabbed
Reinvented in the bowels of a lab!"

Yes, the song actually has the word "crap" in it. Don't ask me how they were able to get away with THAT.

Anyhow, the song also explains that the "spliced" animals were created by some crazy doctor who got taken away by the authorities, leaving his creations to... do whatever it is that they do. The main characters are some sort of rodent/squid-hybrid thing named Peri and a cow/pig/chicken/shrimp-hybrid named Entree. They're the stereotypical "skinny idiot and fat idiot" duo a la Ren and Stimpy or Fanboy and Chum-Chum.

So, is Spliced any good? Spoiler alert: not really, no. Why isn't it any good? I think the best way to explain why is through a review of one episode...

The first segment of this episode is a Peri and Entree cartoon called "Amazon".

It's a beautiful day on the island. The only "normal" animal there, a platypus named Patricia (Katie Crown), is thinking of taking a vacation - but it's so perfect there, so she doesn't think she should leave. Then Peri (Rob Stefaniuk) and Entree (Joe Pingue) show up. And they're, uh, giants.

Okay...

I can't even think of a joke here. Honestly, I think the screencap just speaks
for itself...

Patricia asks if Giant Skinny Idiot and Giant Fat Idiot were playing in the doctor's lab again, and Entree eats the mayor of the town, Two-Legs Joe (Pat McKenna). For some reason. Peri and Entree go off on their destructive rampage, and Patricia decides that maybe she SHOULD take a vacation.

She asks this little furry creature named Fuzzy (Julie Lemieux) if he can watch her house while she's away, but as it turns out Fuzzy's going on a trip too.

Fuzzy, as you can see, kind of looks like if you spliced Sam-I-Am and Wander.

Patricia goes around asking everybody if they can watch her house, and then Peri and Entree, now back to normal size, say that THEY can do it. Patricia is understandably reluctant to let them, but Peri is all "Come on, let us do it!" So she does, and tells them to A) let air in, B) water the plants, and C) feed her little mole/hamster-hybrid things - who are just as afraid of Peri and Entree as I am.

Patricia goes off on her vacation, where she meets... this guy.

He looks like the mascot of some sort of Frosted Flakes knockoff you find
at grocery stores...

Meanwhile, Peri and Entree are doing a really lousy job of taking care of her house, and are mainly just making a mess of things. Like, at one point Entree does THIS.

I think even Homer Simpson would be baffled at just how much of an idiot
this guy is...

Entree pours a truckload of Goldfish Crackers into the mole/hamster-hybrids' cage. Peri tells him that it's a bit too much, but Entree says, "Wouldn't you love it if someone poured delicious food all over YOU?" In addition, he also floods the house in order to keep the plants hydrated and turns up the thermostat "so it'll be nice and toasty for Patricia when she comes home". Now they don't have to do anything for a week!

Hear that? It's the sound of Stimpy, Patrick, and Heffer facepalming in unison. And likely also preparing to sue Entree for ripping them off.

Well, anyway, one week goes by and Peri and Entree decide to check on Patricia's house. Which now looks like this.

"Was all this here before?" Peri asks, to which Entree (who sounds like a bad impression of Muppeteer David Rudman, for what it's worth) replies, "Yeah." Upon noticing that the house now has a WATERFALL in it, Peri asks when Patricia gets back. "In a week," Entree reassures him. "At least that's what she said a week ago." Okay, can we just get to the part where she comes back and gets ticked off at them already? We all know that's what's going to happen, so why are you dragging it out?

Peri and Entree find Patricia arriving back in town and tackle her. "Why don't you take some more time off, like another day?" Entree suggests. Patricia, being the sane one here, demands to know what Peri and Entree did. Upon seeing what happened to her house, she's pretty ticked off.

I swear that I've seen that exact same face in a hundred different cartoons before...

Peri hears some drumming and starts dancing like an idiot. As it turns out, the mole/hamster things are now a native tribe a la the pigs from Muppet Treasure Island who promptly chase after Peri, Entree and Patricia. Tweedledee and Tweedledum escape, but the platypus winds up getting captured. Entree is perfectly willing to just let the mole/hamsters carry her off, but Peri is all, "Dude, we've gotta save her!"

After dressing up in... army duds, I guess? They go in to save Patricia... and promptly get knocked out by poison darts.

When they wake up, the mole/hamster guys have carried them to the top of a giant toilet and plan on giving them the Flushed Away treatment. They knock Entree in, and as they're about to throw in Peri he's all, "Pleaaaaaaaaaaaase give us another chance! We'll take care of you properly this time, I promise!" Patricia, who is now the leader of the mole/hamster tribe apparently, says that's all she needed to hear. Entree is rescued.

Peri and Entree say that the mole/hamster guys can stay with Entree until Patricia's able to get her house fixed up. Exactly six minutes later, the mole/hamster guys have tied up Peri and are roasting Entree over an open fire. The end.

Then we get... uh, a rap song performed by the lion guy (who sounds like a bad impression of Benjamin Bratt, by the way) Patricia met earlier in the episode? What?

The second segment of the show is... another Peri and Entree cartoon. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay. This one is called "Juice".

The episode begins with Entree having a dream in which he wins the title of "Most Popular Mutant Ever" and then starts playing the cello. Peri wakes him up by zapping him with a cattle prod (great friend you've got there, Entree).

Entree asks Peri if people like him. Peri's all, "Sure! I like you! Of course, I AM a massive idiot..." Entree really wants to be liked, so Peri announces that he will not sleep until his best friend is super-popular.

Several failed attempts at getting people to like Entree later, Entree comes up with a new plan. He dresses Peri up like an alien (which isn't too hard, since Peri already kinda looks like one) and tells Peri that he's going to "save the town" from Peri's "attack" and be a hero.

Boy, this E.T. remake is a lot stranger than the original...

Instead, the townsfolk all beat Peri up in an honestly pretty brutal scene while Entree falls asleep. Peri wants to throw in the towel after that, and to be honest I really don't blame him, but Entree is all, "NOOOOOOOO I MUST BECOME POPULAR!" and comes up with a new plan involving tight pants.

Don't ask me why Entree thinks looking like this will make him more popular.

The pants wind up falling apart, and as a result some milk shoots out of Entree's udders and lands on Peri. The rejected Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends character tells his Patrick ripoff friend that the milk tastes delicious (or as he puts it "like a warm summer's day"). As it turns out, Entree named all of his udders. If you thought Barnyard's giving male cows udders was disturbing, I invite you to give this episode a watch.

So Peri gets the idea to set up a stand and sell Entree's "udder juice", but nobody wants to drink anything that came out of Entree (for obvious reasons). Entree says, "It's just like milk from the store. The ENTREE Store." Patricia ends up trying some and likes it, and then everybody suddenly wants to try some of Entree's "udder juice". Soon Entree is super-popular and we get this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

However, now Entree is so popular that he's not hanging out with Peri anymore. In fact, when Peri comes by and asks if he'd like to do something fun, Entree ASKS WHO HE IS, hands the poor guy a carton, and leaves. I take back what I said earlier about Peri not being a good friend - Entree is definitely the bad friend here. I know that's probably supposed to be the point, but still...

So now everybody is straight-up ADDICTED to Entree's "udder juice" (ughhhhhh...). And to make matters worse, Entree's udder that makes the good milk runs dry! He makes a run for it, his insane fans in hot pursuit, but Peri comes to his rescue. Wow, even after Entree was a jerk to him, Peri still wants to help the guy out. He's super-forgiving.

Peri suggests that Entree give them milk from one of his OTHER udders. Entree says that the milk from those udders doesn't taste good, and Peri says, "THAT'S THE POINT!" and then Entree whines that if he does that he won't be popular anymore.

Blah blah blah, Entree's other udders shoot milk into the other mutants' mouths and they think it tastes awful. Entree has learned a valuable lesson about how popularity isn't everything.

Look at Peri's expression here. You can just tell that he's about to snap like a
twig. I mean, if I had THAT thing as my best friend, I sure would.

And wouldn't you know it? The udder that makes the GOOD milk is running again, and Entree squirts some milk into Peri's mouth. As a result of this, Peri becomes addicted to the stuff as well.

See? What did I tell ya? Having Entree as a best friend has caused Peri to go
insane.

Entree tells his udder to run for it. The udder suddenly gains a mouth and screams, and the episode ends right there.

Oh yeah, and then we get a quick sketch starring "Compuhorse", but you know what? I'm skipping over it. Though it includes Entree getting kicked, which is admittedly pretty satisfying.

Spliced, in my opinion, is not a good show. The animation is typical Flash, all fidgety and flat (heck, the THEME SONG has more fluid animation!). Peri and Entree are both annoying, but I found Peri a lot more likable than Entree in that at least Peri's not a massive jerk. Entree is literally just Patrick except he's not funny at all. Patricia is boring - she's literally just there to be "the girl" of the show and that's it. The other characters barely leave an impression. I didn't laugh ONCE. Like most bad cartoons, the show throws every 2000s-2010s cartoon cliche at the screen in the hopes that it'll make the audience like it - time cards! Random sound effects! Gross close-up shots! Weirdness for the sake of being weird! It's all there, and it results in an obnoxious mess of a show. Much like Entree, this show doesn't have any legs to stand on.

Thank you for joining me for my review of Spliced. In the next edition of "Let's Watch This", we'll be taking a look at one of the lesser-known animated films released in 2010 - Crest Animation Productions' Alpha and Omega. Hope you like Justin Long-voiced wolves.