NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.
NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the special I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.
NOTE #3: If you like this special, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.
Well, it's that time of year again! I know the world seems to be under the impression that the holiday season starts in October, but as far as I'm concerned, the day after Thanksgiving is when Christmas begins. And that means it's time for me to dig up obscure Christmas specials and movies and do unfunny reviews of them!
What the heck is Donner? Usually, when a Christmas special focuses on a reindeer, they have an original name like Rusty, or Robbie, or what have you. For this special, the main character is a member of Santa's team. Why Donner specifically and not Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, or Blitzen? Considering that most descriptions of the special online describe it as being about a reindeer with an identity crisis, my guess is that somebody pointed out that while everyone knows what a Dasher (someone who dashes, natch), a Prancer (someone who prances) or a Comet (a rock flying through outer space) is, nobody quite knows what a Donner is. I suppose it could be somebody who DONS clothing?
The special aired on ABC Family on December 1st, 2001, a co-production between the network, animation studio Sunbow Entertainment, video game developer Rainbow Studios, and TV-Loonland AG. It was written by Kevin Munroe, who went on to direct the 2007 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Donner is avaliable on DVD, but apparently only in Germany, and its biggest claim to fame now seems to be that Jimmy Kimmel is in it - and this was BEFORE his show debuted in 2003. You can currently find it on YouTube.
Is Donner any good? I don't know. Let's give it a watch and find out. This is Donner.
It's a beautiful day at the North Pole. Or at least it WOULD be beautiful if it weren't for how ugly the CGI animation is. As I've said before, since the technology is always evolving, CGI that looks impressive in the early 2000s (assuming it even looked impressive back then) isn't going to look impressive in the 2020s. In addition, these character designs clearly would've worked better in 2D.
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| It looks like his eyeballs are struggling to stay in his head. And talk about an overbite - at what point do we start calling it a BILL? |
In the reindeers' swanky mansion - wait, they get to live in a MANSION? I always thought they lived in a stable like horses...
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| Heck, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer depicted Rudolph and his parents as living in a cave. This is a huge upgrade! |
Anyhow, the reindeer are hanging out and listening to the radio, until a voice interrupts the music playing and shouts, "OKAAAAAAAAAAY, YOU SORRY EXCUSES FOR REINDEER! OUT FRONT IN FIIIIIIIVE MINUUUUUUUUUTES!", which causes the reindeer to freak out. We have Dasher (voiced by Mark Hildreth), whose idea of being dashing is to have a blonde pompadour and a chin that Jay Leno would be jealous of...
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| And chest hair. Ew. |
Comet (voiced by John Taylor), who seems to be an adrenaline junkie judging from the giant rocket thing strapped to his back...
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| I thought RUDOLPH was the red-nosed reindeer, not Comet. |
Vixen (voiced by Nicole Oliver), a little something for the Furries in the audience...
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| She's probably the character with the most fan art online. |
Prancer (also Nicole Oliver), who's a... hippie? I'm guessing there's a joke here, but I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just "hippies are funny"?
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| Maybe she's been PRANCING through fields of marijuana? |
Rounding out the team are Dancer (also Mark Hildreth), who's dressed like John Travolta's character in Saturday Night Fever, and Cupid (Mark Acheson doing a Barry White impression), blissfully sniffing a flower.
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| Why don't any of the reindeer have ears? |
They're apparently doing some training for the big flight on Christmas Eve, and their leader is Blitzen (also Mark Acheson), quite possibly the most top-heavy reindeer in existence. Seriously, he's roughly the size of a barge!
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| Yeah, the muscles are impressive, but every reindeer knows that it's the size of the ANTLERS that really get the girls' attention! Those tiny twigs on the sides of your head aren't gonna get the job done, Blitzen... |
There's only one reindeer AWOL - Donner, voiced by Richard Ian Cox, who shows up looking like he just stepped out of the shower. All of the other reindeer laugh at him, even though he isn't any more ridiculous-looking than THEY are. If anything, he's LESS ridiculous-looking, which isn't really saying much.
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| I bet they don't even let him join in any reindeer games, those jerks. |
Vixen brings up to Blitzen that Donner had a suggestion the other day. "Well, it's just that we've been training awfully hard already..." Donner says sheepishly. "Three hundred and sixty-three days, in fact... and, we've been pushing ourselves all year, heh... I, huh huh... I thought that... maybe... we could take the day off. Relax! Play some video games, eat junk food and sit in the jacuzzi!" And Blitzen thinks that it's a GREAT idea!
Just kidding. He's furious.
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| Seriously, has Blitzen been taking steroids? |
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, DONNER?! WHY AREN'T YOU LIKE THE OTHER REINDEER?! JUST WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!" Blitzen roars in Donner's face. Then he tells the other reindeer to run their "lumpy, out of shape" bodies (none of them appear to be out of shape. Just look at Vixen's figure!) around the training course until they "puke candy canes". TWICE.
So now Donner is wondering just what is "major malfunction" is. When the reindeer practice their flying, he discovers the answer: he can't fly. Just like Rusty. Maybe they should start a support group.
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| I know this came out first, but Donner looks a lot like Scrat from Ice Age. |
Once word gets out around the North Pole that Donner can't fly, he's even MORE of an outcast. Not just the reindeer, the ELVES are mocking him too. After Donner gets picked on by these two...
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| Oh, goody, ANOTHER character for furries to drool over! |
...he encounters two elves who come flying out of the workshop, covered in ash. One of them is Skeezer, voiced by Jimmy Kimmel. The other is Tubby, voiced by Scott McNeil, who as Donner points out is awfully big for an elf ("Vitamins. The kid can't get enough of 'em," Skeezer explains). They have a habit of making toys that EXPLODE, so they're on a "fact-gathering hiatus" from the workshop. Among their inventions are the open-heart surgery 3D puzzle and the juggling chainsaws playset.
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| This might be considered a hot take, but I have to say it: anyone who has ever attempted to juggle chainsaws must be out of their mind. |
According to Donner, they were previously demoted to the wrapping department - preparing pre-cut pieces of tape for the elves who do the ACTUAL wrapping. Presumably because, knowing these two, they'd probably find a way to screw the wrapping up too. But Skeezer has an idea - if they can get Donner to fly, maybe he can put in a good word for them to Santa. Donner isn't sure, and I don't blame him, but what other choice does he have?
Actually, he has a few more choices: finding the Winter Warlock and asking for that magic corn, getting a magic feather from a flock of crows, going to a George Lopez-voiced toucan for flying lessons...
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| "Oh, my goodness! What are Dasher and Vixen doing?!" "They're... they're PICKING THEIR NOSES!" (And you thought it was going to be something dirty, didn't you?) |
After the three of them spy on the other reindeer, Skeezer says that he knows what the problem is. "I see INDIVIDUALS! I see PERSONALITIES! I see reindeer who know who they are and aren't afraid to show it to the world!" he claims. By contrast, Donner doesn't have a "hook" or a "pop" or any "pizazz". He doesn't know who he is, which means he's having an identity crisis, which leads to a crisis of confidence.
Well, whatever the reason Donner can't fly is, they'd better figure it out - Blitzen is planning to replace him with one of those reindeer who picked on him earlier. His name is Brock (also Scott McNeil).
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| Isn't it kind of funny how some of the reindeer have hair and others don't? Are Donner and Dancer considered bald? |
"If you wanna know who you are on the INSIDE, then you gotta change the way you look on the OUTSIDE," Skeezer tells Donner. "I call it psycho-external-acouchment-behavioral-modification. Pretty catchy, huh?" First, he dresses Donner up like... this:
I believe this is called the "Why You Should Never Let a Brooklyn-Accented Elf With a Unibrow Choose Your Outfit" Look. I have no idea WHAT this outfit is supposed to indicate about Donner's personality, and sure enough, it doesn't give him the ability of flight.
Nor does dressing him like a cowboy...
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| Your Woody impression needs work, Donner. |
Or a professional ice skater...
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| I don't think I ever got the hang of ice-skating. That's not particularly interesting, but I couldn't think of anything funnier to say here... |
Or Neo from The Matrix. Get it? It's funny because The Matrix exists.
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| It wasn't even all that funny when Shrek made a Matrix joke. What made the writers think it'd be funny when THEY did it? |
Not helping Donner's mood at all is his discovery that the other reindeer are kicking him out of their swanky mansion and letting Brock move in. Now the poor guy has to sleep outside on boxes of his stuff, with snow falling on him. Jeez, even RUDOLPH wasn't treated this lousily.
By morning, Donner's ready to throw in the towel, but Skeezer has another idea: they're gonna make him a SUPERHERO!
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| Don't worry, Donner. You might feel silly now, but just wait until the Marvel Cinematic Universe is a thing. SOMEBODY's gonna want to make a movie about you! |
"Look, you like superheroes. You can identify with 'em. They're confident. They're popular. They FLY! It's so simple! It's pure GENIUS!" Skeezer insists. There's one flaw in your plan, Skeezer: superheroes fly because they have SUPERPOWERS. Unless you can find a magic glowing space rock or something that can give Donner the ability of flight (or laser beam eyes, which he can use to smite the other reindeer... hey, it would serve them right), this isn't gonna work.
As everyone gathers around to watch, Skeezer presses a button on Donner's belt that inflates his costume, giving him the appearance of having muscles. Then he takes out a remote control and presses a button on that, revealing that the roof of the building Donner is standing on is now SPRING-LOADED, sending him flying through the air.
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| No, no, Donner, it was a COW that jumped over the moon, not a REINDEER. |
Unsurprisingly, Donner does not gain the ability to actually fly - he lands in the snow once again. "What am I doing? Is this what it takes to fly?! This isn't the real me!" he complains as he climbs out of the snow. "Am I supposed to be different just because I'm wearing a dumb cape?! Or this stupid mask?! Or this RIDICULOUS BELT?!" A ridiculous belt that, after he takes it off and throws it away, turns out to be full of dynamite. He realizes how stupid it is to take advice from elves who make such toys as chainsaw-juggling playsets and a remote-controlled nose.
By the way, love that picture of Skeezer and Tubby in swimwear. I really needed to see Skeezer in a speedo.
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| I've decided that nobody looks good in a speedo. Absolutely nobody. Just wear swim trunks, people. |
For some reason, Donner dubs the remote-controlled nose one of the coolest toys he's ever seen in his life. And this, somehow, makes Donner realize that he shouldn't be ashamed to be himself. So what if he likes video games and comic books and eating pancakes for dinner? "I love walking backwards! I love to lick the sugar off my cereal! And I am PROUD - PROUD - to make funny noises with my armpits!" he tells everyone. "You see?! I LOVE being a kid!" The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie did this moral better, but eh, I'll give 'em credit for trying... and don't worry, Rusty. I too like eating pancakes for dinner.
And because Donner is now proud of who he is, he gains the ability of flight. And all it took was the discovery of a REMOTE-CONTROLLED NOSE of all things!
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| Technically, he's gliding, but it's basically the same thing. |
Since Donner can fly now, he gets to pull Santa's sleigh with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, and Blitzen. The end.
What's the Verdict?
Donner is one of those Christmas specials that tries so hard but, much like Donner's attempts at flying before he realizes who he is, just falls flat. The moral is nice and the voice acting is good. I'll also give them credit for not doing some cliched "we gotta save Christmas!" climax like most modern Christmas specials do. But aside from those things, it doesn't have much going for it. This is another example of them attempting cartoony squash-and-stretch with CGI, but much like with Weird-Ohs and Pet Alien, the budget just wasn't there and the technology was still too primitive in 2001 for them to really pull it off. The reindeer all look like the Honeycomb Monster with antlers, and the elves are just as repulsive. I also loathe every character in this with the exception of Donner himself. Aside from Skeezer and Tubby, they're all just needlessly mean to him, and I know this is going to sound like a weird complaint seeing as two of the most iconic Christmas specials - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas - also have practically everyone being jerks to the protagonist for a good chunk of it, but at least in the first one the characters apologized for it and in the second one they do something nice for Charlie Brown at the end even if they never apologized or even showed remorse for it. Here, we get neither.
Throw in some unfunny jokes (at least there's only one pop culture reference) and a tone that's desperately trying to be hip and cool and failing at it, and you have a TV special that's not worth your time. Ah well, hopefully the next Christmas special that I review will be better...
...seriously, though, a REMOTE-CONTROLLED NOSE? THAT's how everything is resolved? What do you even DO with a remote-controlled nose?
