Let's Watch This: "Babes in Toyland" (1997)

When you hear "Babes in Toyland", there's a pretty good chance you think of the 1961 Disney movie starring Ed Wynn, Ray Bolger, Tommy Sands, and Annette Funicello. Well, you might or might not have already known this, but that movie was actually an adaptation of an operetta composed by Victor Herbert. It wasn't even the first movie adaptation of the operetta, that honor goes to a 1934 film starring Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. Before and after the Disney movie, there's been several different movie adaptations of Babes in Toyland - most of them for television, but there was also an animated adaptation of the story. A direct to video animated adaptation, directed by a Mr. Bluth...

...actually, not THAT Mr. Bluth. I'm actually referring to his brother, Toby Bluth.

Actually, Toby Bluth was a co-director - the other two co-directors were Charles Grosvenor and Paul Sabella. It was produced by MGM Animation, with animation provided by Wang Film Productions, and released on October 14th, 1997. Apparently they were originally going to release it in theaters, but that didn't pan out. That's not a good sign, is it? Like, does that mean the higher-ups at MGM watched the film once it was completed and said "This is bad, if we put it in theaters it's guaranteed to be a flop."?

I suppose I should mention that I've never seen any of the other Babes in Toyland movie adaptations. My knowledge of the operetta basically amounts to that the Disney version is where the wooden soldiers in the Christmas parade at Disney World came from. So don't expect this review to make a lot of comparisons to the other versions of the story. It's an obscure animated movie, that's all the reason I need to do a review of it. Let's head to Toyland!

The movie starts off with the camera panning across a starry night sky until it reaches the moon. Sitting on the moon is a top hat, and what emerges from that top hat is... not a rabbit, as you'd expect, but an egg. Goes by the name of Mr. Dumpty. Did any of what I just said make any sense? Even the moon looks confused...

Mr. Dumpty's been practicing the DreamWorks Face long before he appeared in Puss in Boots.

Suddenly, a shooting star knocks Mr. Dumpty (voiced by Charles Neilson Reily) off the moon, and he has a big fall. With any luck, all the king's horses and all the king's men will be able to put Mr. Dumpty together again. Or maybe they won't have to, he lands safely in a sentient train driving through the clouds... at least one of which is also sentient. Is EVERYTHING sentient in this movie?

I know I already made this joke in my re-review of Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi, but... what is this,
Pee-Wee's Universe?

Among the folks on this train to Toyland are the dish and the spoon that ran away after the cow jumped over the moon, the Three Bears, and two children named Jack (Joseph Ashton, also the voice of Otto Rocket) and Jill (Lacey Chabert). Suddenly, the train has to stop because Tom, Tom, the piper's son is standing in the middle of the tracks. Mr. Dumpty spews some exposition about how Tom (Raphael Sbarge) should've been back days ago, somebody named Mary is really worried. Tom explains that he was flying in a hot air balloon over the Goblin Forest, making great time, when an arrow suddenly put a hole in the balloon. The Goblin Forest? Sounds like a very spooky place. I do hope we get to see it at some point during this movie.

Holy Toledo, when did Mighty Max take steroids?!

After Tom climbs aboard, he strikes up a conversation with Jack and Jill. Apparently he's the "chief executive toymaker" of Toyland. "They got a huge factory with big machines and hundreds of workers who report to ME!" he claims. "AND I'm a very close personal friend of Santa Claus!" Ah, so THIS is where Santa gets all those toys he gives out. And here I thought they were made by elves.

The train arrives in Toyland, and as soon as he gets off Tom is greeted by his boss Mary (Cathy Cavadini) and her little lamb. Tom is totally into her.

They have the same haircut, so they must be an item.

Tom has a big toy order from Santa Claus, and there are only three days until Christmas so they'd better get on it pronto. As for Jack and Jill, they came to Toyland because they're going to live with their uncle. And what a place Toyland is - full of sentient toys, nursery rhyme characters, and strange architecture. Here, if you see a big pink elephant, it doesn't mean that you're drunk! It's practically paradise... except for the presence of the creepy clowns.

It's like F.A.O. Schwartz on a limitless budget.

After a musical number, Mr. Dumpty offers to take the kids to their uncle's house. And who is their uncle? To the egg's horror, it's Barnaby - and Barnaby just so happens to be the name of a crooked man who lives in a spooky-looking house guarded by a sentient bear trap.

"I'm not your uncle Barnaby, I'm Ebeneezer Scrooge! Come back after I've been visited by the
three ghosts!"

So why are Jack and Jill stuck with this obviously evil guy? Well, they're orphans, and Barnaby (Christopher Plummer) is the only other family they have. But he refuses to take them in until he discovers Jack has money to pay for their keep. "Scramble, Egghead! Beat it! Egg-xit!" he tells Mr. Dumpty. Get it? Because he's an EGG?

Barnaby makes something very clear to Jack and Jill: he detests fun, he abhors laughter, he despises noise and music, he hates candy, but what he especially loathes is toys... which begs the question of why he lives in a place called TOYland. Maybe housing prices are just really good there. He also makes them sleep in the rat-infested attic and threatens to feed them to the goblins if they make any noise, noise, noise, NOISE. Maybe Jack and Jill would be better off living with the Three Bears or something...

Jack, Jill, Mary, and Tom start singing about dreams. I'm not sure if this song was from the original operetta or if they wrote it for this adaptation specifically, like I said I've never seen any of the other Babes in Toyland adaptations. It's a nice song, though.

I sure hope Barnaby doesn't hear Jack and Jill singing - he did tell them not to make any noise
or else he'd feed them to the goblins.

So what is Barnaby's motivation? He's obviously the villain, so he's gotta have a motivation. Well, he wants to buy the toy factory just so he can destroy it... kind of like how Disney bought Blue Sky Studios just so they could destroy it. Yes, I'm still angry about that. He heads into town, leaving Jack and Jill to deal with his nasty cat Azarel... I mean, Scat (Susan Silo). They manage to outwit the cat pretty easily and head to the toy factory themselves.

At the factory, Mary tells Barnaby that the factory is not for sale, but Barnaby claims that if they don't sell it they'll just have to close it down because there are no toy orders from Santa Claus... are there? You know how Tom said that his hot air balloon was shot down while it was flying over the Goblins' forest? It would seem that Barnaby arranged that so the toy factory wouldn't get Santa's order. But his plan failed, as he promptly finds out. In your face, Barnaby!

Wah wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

"Take your money and get out," Mary tells Grimsby from The Little Mermaid's evil twin. I wonder, is Santa Claus the only guy this factory gets orders from? Do they also supply toys to stores like Toys R Us and Wal-Mart?

Jack and Jill arrive at the toy factory just as Barnaby is storming out, but fortunately he doesn't see them. It's time for Tom to take them on a tour of the factory - and another song that culminates in Tom building a large wooden soldier, one of a thousand that Santa wants. Mary says it would be impossible to make a thousand of them in two days, but Tom claims it can be done. Unfortunately, Barnaby shows up and drags Jack and Jill back to his house, threatening to feed them to the goblins again if he sees them at the toy factory again.

And now it's time for Barnaby to sing about how much he hates toys and how he shall rid the world of them... and for three beatnik candlesticks to sing about how crooked Barnaby is. Yes, beatnik candlesticks. Because why not?

"Man, I don't dig what that square is cookin' up!"

"Yeah, Daddy-O, he's a zonk on the head!"

"Other beatnik slang!"

After the song, two pirates who up at Barnaby's door. The one with an accent I can't figure out what it is is Rodrigo (Bronson Pinchot), the big fat one is Gonzargo (Jim Belushi). They're answering Barnaby's ad for two dimwitted henchmen to do his bidding. Because you can't be an animated movie villain without two dimwitted henchmen to do your bidding.

Pain and Panic these two are not, though.

Meanwhile, the kids manage to sneak out of the house and, after a close encounter with the sentient bear trap, make a run for the toy factory to help with those wooden soldiers. Nobody knows that Gonzargo and Rodrigo have snuck into the factory, dressed in sheep costumes, so they can sabotage the machinery by throwing a wrench with the head of a monkey... a monkey wrench, in other words... into the gears. I'm not sure if they actually needed the sheep costumes seeing as nobody in Toyland knows who they are, but maybe they're just furries?

Or would somebody who wears a sheep costume actually be considered a woollie?

Jack and Tom manage to get the monkey wrench out of the gears before all the machinery goes ker-blooey. Good guys: one. Barnaby: a big, fat zero. Jill correctly guesses that the strange-looking sheep who are actually just Barnaby's minions in disguise put the wrench in there, so she and Jack chase after them. They try hiding in a flock of sheep, but an angry ram sends them flying right towards the kids, who are standing on a hill with a well nearby. Eventually, they fall into the well and Jack and Jill go tumbling down the hill. Jeez, I almost forgot that these two were meant to be Jack and Jill from the nursery rhyme. I feel silly.

And then guess who shows up?

Are we sure this guy is really their uncle? I don't see a family resemblance...

Barnaby orders Tweedlee and Tweedledum to take the kids to the Goblin Forest. Fortunately, Mr. Dumpty spots them and runs to tell Tom and Mary what's going on. Why he doesn't just attempt to take Rodrigo and Gonzargo on himself? I'm guessing the fact that he's an egg means he's not much of a fighter.

Well, Tom and Mary better hurry up and save the kids - Gonzargo and Rodrigo have already taken them to the Goblin Forest, where they must face off against the eeeeeeevil goblins, led by the terrifying Goblin King.

"You were expecting David Bowie?"

For some reason, Tom and Mary don't bring anyone else with them. I mean, we saw bears and at least one wolf working at the toy factory... why not have them come with you? They might be cutesy anthropomorphic bears and a wolf, but they're still bears and a wolf. Surely THEY have a fighting chance against the goblins. Y'know, with their claws and sharp teeth.

Before the Goblin King can gobble the kids up, Tom shows up and tries to fight him. Wow, Tom's got guts. He doesn't put up much of a fight, but he does allow Jack, Jill, Rodrigo, and Gonzargo to make a run for it. Mary manages to hold off the goblins with a flashlight... because goblins are allergic to light, it would seem. Just like Gremlins. Back in Toyland, Barnaby is trying to wrestle the key to the toy factory away from Mr. Dumpty, eventually managing to trap him on a high wall... oh no, is this going where I think it's going?

Ee-yup. Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall. We don't see his smashed remains, but Barnaby just committed egg-icide. And now the toy factory is his, right? Wrong! The good guys show up just as he's about to head inside.

And Rodrigo and Gonzargo are good guys now, apparently.

Barnaby storms off, and instead of, y'know, having him thrown in Toyland Jail or something, they decide to just let him go. I know you've still got toys to make, but why are you just letting him walk off scott-free? He's probably still gonna try to sabotage the factory again. Ah well, for now they've managed to make all one thousand soldiers. Tom and Mary celebrate by singing a romantic ballad... uh, isn't Humpty still smashed? Aren't they going to call up the king's horses and the king's men to put the poor egg back together? Or at least make a decent omelette?

Tom and Mary's makeout session is interrupted by the arrival of a whole army of goblins. And who's marching alongside them? Barnaby! See, THIS is why you should've thrown him in Toyland Jail.

Why don't the goblins eat Barnaby? They don't seem particularly picky when it comes to eating
humans...

"GOBLINS... GOBLINS... ATTAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" the Goblin King roars, unleashing the goblins onto the streets of Toyland. They run around wreaking havoc for a few minutes before the Goblin King orders them to destroy the factory. It seems as though there's no stopping them... until Mary remembers the wooden soldiers.

I sure hope they're not flammable...

The wooden soldiers and all the toys in the factory march out of the factory and do battle against the goblins. Most of the goblins flee, which makes Barnaby turn on the Goblin King... who promptly shows him why ticking off a rejected Gargoyles character is a bad idea.

He looks like if the genie version of Jafar from Aladdin drank the Grimace Shake.

Long story short, Barnaby and the Goblin King fall off the clock tower but survive because of course they do. Then the kids and the soldiers bathe the Goblin King in beams of light and he explodes, leaving only a puddle of purple goo on the ground. Barnaby is chased off by the goblins. There is much rejoicing.

But wait - what about Mr. Dumpty?

And he's stainless now, too! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Santa Claus shows up to collect the wooden soldiers and throw pixie dust everywhere that conjures up Christmas decorations. I guess Tom and Mary hook up and take in the kids. Humpty Dumpty hops aboard the moon and leads everyone in a triumphant reprise of the Toyland song from the beginning. Oh, and according to the credits, Jeff Bergman did some ADR on this. That's pretty cool.

What's the Verdict?

This is definitely one of those movies that was clearly made because some studio saw how much money Disney's animated movies were making in the 1990s and said "We gotta get in on this!" - the same category as something like Thumbelina or Quest For Camelot, or even other direct-to-video animated movies like The Scarecrow. Similar character designs (Mary, in particular, looks like a fusion of Ariel and Belle), similar whimsical tone, similar songs (villain song, romantic ballad, etc.), they even chose to adapt something that Disney already did an adaptation of. But does that make it a bad movie?

I don't think so. The animation is pretty good (not on par with Disney's work at the time, but better than most of their direct-to-video sequels), most of the characters are likeable, the voice actors all do a great job (with Cathy Cavadini and Charles Neilson Reily, in particular, being standouts), the songs are fine, and there are a couple good jokes in there. It's nothing Oscar-worthy, but I personally thought this Babes in Toyland was pretty good for what it was. If you're looking for something to put you in a good mood - or something to show your kids around the holidays when you've already watched the Charlie Brown specials and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer two or three times - I'd recommend seeking out Babes in Toyland. You can find the full movie on YouTube.

Probably for the best this wasn't released in theaters, though... it would've sucked if this film wound up being a box office bomb like most of the other "trying to be Disney" animated movies at the time were. In fact, I think a lot of 1997's animated movies underperformed. I wonder why that is...

Let's Watch This: "A Hollywood Hounds Christmas" (1994)

Who the heck are the Hollywood Hounds? I have absolutely no idea. When I Googled them, the only things I could find that weren't related to this special were DVD collections of various movies starring dogs. My initial guess was that they were characters created for this one Christmas special, perhaps with the hope of there being a whole line of specials or a TV show based on them, only for that not to happen. Y'know, like the Zoomer Crew or the Soulmates. But I also found these:

Plush toys labeled "Hollywood Hounds"-related, one of which is very clearly supposed to be one of the dogs on the VHS cover! Somehow, I doubt they made plush toys of characters just from a one-off special (unless there were a lot of Zoomer Crew plush toys in stores when that special first aired). So here's my new theory: "Hollywood Hounds" was a toy line, perhaps an attempt to cash in on the success of Pound Puppies, and this special was made in an attempt to promote the toyline and maybe get a Hollywood Hounds cartoon show started up. If I'm wrong about this, somebody please let me know (the Christmas Specials Wiki claims that it was "based on the Hollywood Hounds storyline created by Jacob R. Miles III of Cultural Exchange Corporation". Make of that what you will).

Well, however this special came to be, you might recognize the name of the director, Kent Butterworth. He's also directed episodes of The Simpsons, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. A Hollywood Hounds Christmas aired on December 16th, 1994. You can currently find the special on YouTube, Tubi, and Pluto TV. Is it any good? Let's find out, shall we?

The special starts off with an intro like you'd expect a TV series to have, consisting of various clips from the special accompanied by a song about Christmas and these Hollywood Hounds characters they're hyping up so much. After that, we see the cowboy clothes-clad Hollywood Hound, Dude (voiced by Jeff Bennett, I believe?), arriving in Los Angeles on the back of a truck a few days before Christmas. My guess is that he came to LA because he wants to be a famous country singer... but don't most folks who want to be famous country singers go to NASHVILLE?

Then again, if he went to Nashville he wouldn't be a HOLLYWOOD Hound...

As soon as Dude gets off the truck, he is approached by a nasty-looking dog named Vic Vicious (voiced by Jess Harnell), who demands that he pay him for taxes - because this guy is clearly a trustworthy tax collector, right? I don't even know what dogs do with money, or how they get money, but Vic doesn't seem too phased by Dude telling him that he doesn't have any money, instead telling him to hand over the guitar.

Just go all El Kabong on him and smack Vic on the head with your guitar.

Dude refuses to give Vic his guitar, so Vic calls upon his bulldog pal Muttski (Frank Welker, if I'm not mistaken) to take the guitar by force. One chase scene later, Dude is saved by a dog who looks like Carlton Banks - and apparently has his clothes designed by C-Bear. His name is Cuz.

I'm sure this dog was designed to resemble SOME musician who was popular in the 1990s, but
I can't put my finger on who... maybe Prince? Was he popular in the 1990s?

Dude explains to Carlton... I mean, Cuz that he hails from Nashville - and apparently couldn't find any success there? I guess we can't all be Blake Shelton. Cuz says that his owner, Michael, would be happy to take him in, even though he already has at least two pets - in addition to Cuz, he's also the owner of the third, and only female, Hollywood Hound, Rosie (Candi Milo)... who, according to the description on the back of the VHS, is actually a cat, not a dog. Which makes the name of the group being "the Hollywood HOUNDS" kind of weird in hindsight...

This is Michael. I do not think he's meant to be a young Michael Jordan (otherwise this special
would likely be about dogs playing basketball instead of dogs forming a band).

Okay, so obviously Dude's skilled in country western music. What are the other two's talents? Cuz plays the blues, and Rosie likes salsa music. When they combine their talents together, the resulting cover of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" makes One Direction sound like a flock of screeching seagulls. But Dude doesn't want to be part of a trio: "I'm a solo act! A lone wolf," he says.

Suddenly, who should drive up to Michael's house but a... I feel like I should know this already, but what kind of car is that?

I want to say a sedan, but I'm not sure...

I initially thought some big music producer would step out of the car and immediately offer to be the Hollywood Hounds' manager, because that's usually how it goes in cartoons, but instead it's Michael's father. He says that the school where he works had to cut the music program, which means that he's out of a job. That means they won't be able to afford Christmas presents. Maybe they could take Maxine's advice and make the presents themselves - who doesn't love painted rocks?

Michael says it doesn't matter if they can't afford presents so long as they're together. Dude disagrees, saying, "Togetherness is one thing, but whoever heard of a Christmas without presents?" Cuz says that they should just be happy they have food and a roof over their heads, but Dude claims that's not what Christmas is about. SOMEBODY needs to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Could we get Linus Van Pelt in here?

"So, you think Ross and Rachel are ever gonna hook up?"

"Nah, she's got more chemistry with Joey..."

While watching TV, the Hollywood Hounds (plus one... let's call her a "California Cat") see a commercial for a pet food called Mushy Chow. The commercial announcer says that Mushy Chow is looking for dogs and cats who have musical talent to star in their annual Christmas commercial. Auditions will be held Saturday at the Pet TV studio in Hollywood, and the grand prize is a recording contract, a shopping spree in the pet store of your choice, a year's supply of Mushy Chow, and one thousand dollars in cash, hintidy-hint-hint-hint.

"Hey, are you a dog whose owner's father just got fired and desperately needs some money? Hi,
I'm the solution to your problem!"

The next morning, Dude sneaks off to the Pet TV studio, intending to audition by himself... but Cuz and Rosie wind up tagging along anyway. Suddenly, a truck with "CITY POUND" written on it shows up and snatches Cuz and Rosie in a net. This raises the question of how exactly city pounds work in this world. Dude, Cuz and Rosie, even if they're pets, are anthropomorphic - they wear clothes, they talk, they walk on two legs. So why is the dogcatcher allowed to just drive up and capture Cuz and Rosie in a net? Isn't this basically kidnapping? Would the folks running the city pound be willing to put down two animals who talk and wear clothes? Do talking animals just not have legal rights or something?

And why is the dogcatcher also nabbing a CAT? Did he mistake Rosie for a Shiba Inu?

Dude is subjected to WHACKY SHENANIGANS as he chases the truck, complete with another appearance from Vic and Muttski. He offers them a deal - if they help him save Cuz and Rosie, he'll give them his guitar. Vic agrees. Say, how come Dude, Cuz and Rosie wear clothes but Vic and Muttski just walk around naked? Are they nudists?

If they are, I'm not judging them, it's just a headscratcher...

After saving Cuz and Rosie and giving Vic his guitar, Dude and his amigos head for the Pet TV studio, where they find a bunch of other pets - and their owners, all of whom look eerily similar to them - waiting to audition as well. Vic is nice enough to give Dude his guitar back (he and Muttski were originally going to audition as well, but they're not very good singers) and suggest that they call themselves "the Hollywood Hounds", even though Rosie as she points out is not a hound. He even offers to be their manager!

There's just one problem - also auditioning for the commercial is a bratty girl (Jania Foxworth) and her poodles who can yip "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and she's determined to make sure SHE wins the prizes, not those Hollywood Hounds. Uh oh, I smell an antagonist!

An antagonist who looks like she just stepped out of a Dr. Seuss book at that!

So what is her evil plan? She sneaks into the audio room while the Hollywood Hounds are auditioning and somehow replaces their music with the sound you make when you wave your arms over a bunch of glasses filled with water. You know that sound, right? I don't know what black magic she's using to pull this off, but the judges tell the pets that they don't need to hear anything else. Then when the poodles audition, the judges make them the winners, even though their act made them fall asleep. The girl's mission was a success!

But is that enough for her dad (Frank Welker)? Oh, no - he also ambushes the Hollywood Hounds, puts them on leashes, and gives them to his daughter as new pets. Fortunately, Michael and his father show up and are all "I don't think so!" The girl's dad tries to bribe Michael's dad with some of that sweet sweet moolah, but Michael's dad will not be bribed. Especially not by the fathers of Offbrand Veruca Salts.

"By the way, Mr. Snooty Fat Guy?! The Mask called, he wants his suit back!"

The girl throws a tantrum over not getting more pets, and then she, her father, and their poodles are pummeled by bags of Mushy Chow. And then doused with water from a fire hydrant. Dude has now learned the True Meaning of Christmas - it's not about money or presents, it's about being together and being grateful for what you have. Michael's father also invited the dogcatcher over for Christmas dinner, understandably freaking out the pets, but he assures them that he takes Christmas off (plus, I don't think dogcatchers are allowed to capture pets in their own homes). We end with a musical performance from the Hollywood Hounds.

WARNING: if you watch this special yourself, you are going to have this song stuck in
your head for a while.

What's the Verdict?

I'm going to divide this into two sections. What I liked about it, and what I didn't like...

What I liked:
- The animation is good.
- The characters are likeable (if a bit underdeveloped).
- The voice cast consists of talented people like Jess Harnell, Jeff Bennett, Candi Milo, and Frank Welker. That's always a plus.
- I give them credit for not going the obvious route and having the dad get his job back somehow at the end. Although that does make me a bit worried about what he's gonna do to pay the bills.
- I also give them credit for NOT shoehorning in a bunch of pop culture references and "racy" humor like so many other 1990s Christmas specials. This was the time period where the Animaniacs style of comedy was in full swing (the special came out just ONE YEAR before Jingle Bell Rock, for crying out loud). They could've thrown in a bunch of references to famous musicians or had the dogs make jokes about how horny they are or whatever, but they didn't. How refreshing.

What I didn't like:
- The villains were lame. They show up near the end, do nothing particularly interesting, and are generally more of a nuisance than anything else. What did they add to the story other than to make the Hollywood Hounds fail their audition?
- Where did Vic and Muttski go after the villains showed up?
- Much like with Grojband, since this is a special about a trio of musicians, I would've liked some more music. They didn't even have to be original songs, they could've just had the dogs sing covers of iconic Christmas tunes. Ah well...

So all in all, I thought this special was pretty good. Unless you really hate dogs for some reason (maybe you're a Cruella DeVille sympathizer?), I recommend giving it a watch. Like I said, it's pretty easy to find for something so obscure. It also recently aired on MeTV Toons, so maybe that'll help spread more awareness of it.

This review is brought to you by Mushy Chow. Don't let the fact that it has "mushy" in its name fool you, your dog or cat will love it!

DISCLAIMER: Animation and All Things Related does not actually have a sponsor, nor is Mushy Chow an actual brand of pet food. Do not go into your local PetCo expecting to actually find bags of Mushy Chow on the shelves.

Let's Watch This: "Maxine's Christmas Carol" (2000)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the special I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this special, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Hey, everybody, it's the holiday season! And you know what THAT means, don't you? It means it's time for me to start up the Christmas special reviews! Huzzah!

Do you recognize this character?

If you've ever stepped foot in a Hallmark store, there's a very good chance that you do. But do you know this character's name? For the longest time, I didn't either. It wasn't until very recently that I found out her name is Maxine. She was created by Hallmark artist John Wagner - who based the character on his mother, grandmother and aunts - in 1986 for the Shoebox Greetings card line. Since then, this grouchy-looking old lady and her dog, Floyd, have made mucho moolah for Hallmark, with greeting cards, plush toys, ornaments, and even her own Christmas special. That's right, this cantankerous old lady has made the jump into animation.

A very obscure Christmas special is this. It was written by John Wagner and directed by Tim Eldred, who you might know better for his work on Dragon Tales. It was released direct-to-video on September 12th, 2000... a few months before Christmas, but what are you gonna do? I'm not sure if it ever aired on TV, which might be the main reason for its obscurity. As its name suggests, it's a "modernized" (well, not so much "modern" anymore since it's been two decades since the Y2K thing) take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, because what other Christmas story could you possibly tell with a cranky old curmudgeon like Maxine?

Fortunately, somebody uploaded the special to YouTube. Is it any good, or should some greeting card characters just stay... well, greeting card characters? Let's find out. For my first Christmas review of the year, we're watching Maxine's Christmas Carol!

The special starts off with a look at the town Maxine lives in. The snowflakes are a-fallin', every house is covered with Christmas lights... aside from Maxine's, of course. One neighbor has put up a loudspeaker that plays "Jingle Bell Rock" (which means they owe Buddy the Elf royalties, doesn't it?). Maxine, voiced by Tress MacNeille, retaliates by blaring out some loud and obnoxious rock 'n' roll music from HER loudspeaker, which in addition to demonstrating that she's a Scrooge also demonstrates that she's "not like other old ladies" - yep, THAT stereotype. You know the one. The kind of old lady who does EXTREME SPORTZ and listens to heavy metal bands and stuff.

Honestly, I think it'd be easier to name an animated old lady that DOESN'T fall into the "not like other old ladies" stereotype. The grandma from Hoodwinked, Jon's grandmother from Garfield, Madame Foster, even Granny from Looney Tunes has been turned into this. At what point does it stop being a subversion?

"How come you never smile, Maxine?"

"Because this frown makes millions for Hallmark each year. Why mess with it?"

Maxine receives a package from the town postman, George - which she promptly demands that he throw in a trash can. "Come on, Maxine, don't you have ANY Christmas spirit?" George asks. Maxine's response: "To quote a great, misunderstood genius... BAH HUMBUG!"

Unlike Scrooge, however, Maxine does demonstrate a few seconds later that she's not entirely heartless by defending the kid next door from some snowball-throwing bullies. Afterwards, the boy asks Maxine if she'd like to come over for the big Christmas dinner his parents are throwing the next night. Maxine declines the offer, and for some reason the kid is really, really bummed out about this. I'm not sure why. So the grouch next door "doesn't do Christmas", so what? If she's that much of a grouch, why would you WANT her at your big Christmas dinner? She'd probably complain about the turkey being too dry and crack jokes about your dad's weight the whole time.

Maxine drives off into town, griping about how much she hates Christmas. I think this song summarizes her dialogue during this scene quite well:

After complaining about the holiday season, Maxine heads into a mini-mall, run by two cheery people who gush over how nice the guy who robbed their store the other night was. He DID wish them a "merry merry", after all...

"I bet they won't have... wow! They have it! CANNED BREAD!"

Then it's off to the coffee shop to pick on the barista. I have to say, we're only eight minutes in and I'm already tired of Maxine's griping. That's not a good sign.

This is Floyd. He's basically the Gromit to Maxine's Wallace.

So how's Maxine, the female equivalent of the Grinch, going to spend her Christmas Eve? Eating microwave burritos and watching kung fu movies... or at least trying to, since It's a Wonderful Life seems to be on every channel. Didn't Elmo Saves Christmas also have a "the only thing on TV is It's a Wonderful Life" joke? Did it really air on TV that much during the 1990s? If so, no wonder they couldn't find a TV station to air this...

By midnight, Maxine has fallen asleep. But something strange is going on... the box that she received earlier is starting to shake like there's something in it. Eventually, it bursts open and a cloud of purple mist starts pouring out of it. What's in that box, a genie?

Fun fact, that's what it looks like when a Grimace Shake makes you gassy.



Did I just make a fart joke? What is the matter with me?

Emerging from the box is... wow, if that's a genie, it's the ugliest one I've ever seen.

Well, maybe not THE ugliest... it's not nearly as scary-looking as Will Smith's Genie.

When Maxine wakes up, she's not at all surprised by the fact that there's a GHOST IN FRONT OF HER. She simply goes "Who are you? And what the heck do you want?" as if they're a door-to-door salesman or something. The ghost explains that she is Marlene, the world's stingiest office manager and Maxine's former employer - according to Maxine, she was killed when a crate of memo pads fell on her head. She laments that ordering a bunch of office supplies over the years brought her nothing but misery (kind of like being on Twitter... or reading my blog, for that matter), and now she's doomed to wander the earth warning others not to do the same thing.

"Be warned, Maxine... once you step into your local Staples, it has its hooks in you.
Don't spend all your money on their merchandise! THE STUFF AT OFFICE DEPOT IS MUCH
BETTER!"

So, yeah. Marlene does the whole Jacob Marley shtick - before the night is through, she tells Maxine, she will be visited by three more ghosts, and if she doesn't stop being such a crab and rediscover the spirit of Christmas, she'll end up sharing her fate for all eternity. Maxine doesn't get the hint and simply makes a bunch of wisecracks.

You know, Maxine being called "crabby" makes me think of Lucy Van Pelt, who prided herself on being crabby. I bet Maxine is Lucy's idol or great-grandmother or something.

Well, whether Maxine likes it or not, she's getting Christmas Caroled. And who should show up a few seconds later is the Ghost of Christmas Past, here a stereotypical valley girl named Tiffani.

"Like, OMG! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past! Isn't that so tubular? Other 1990s slang!"

"See, what happens is, as soon as I find my stupid hat," Tiffani explains, "We go flying back through time and space, and even though it, like, totally messes up my hair, it's soooooooo way cool!" She transports Maxine and Floyd to what Maxine describes as looking like a sappy Christmas card, but is in fact the town where Maxine spent her youth.

So, what turned Maxine into such a Christmas-hater? When she was little, she was waiting in line to see Santa Claus, only for an elf to come out and say that they're closed and that Santa doesn't want to see her. Ouch, who says that to a kid? That elf's a piece of work. Must be one of those South Pole elves...

"Sorry, kid. I gotta get to Elf Practice. If I'm not there, the head elf's gonna yell at me
like he did to Hermey and it'll wind up an internet meme..."

When little Maxine sneaks into the tent, all she finds is a janitor, who she tells what she wants for Christmas: peace on Earth. Sorry, little Maxine, but I don't think we'll ever have that. Not as long as social media is a thing, at least...

Next Maxine, Tiffani, and Floyd watch as little Maxine gives homemade Christmas presents to three other girls... who promptly, and very rudely, reject them. "It was a wake-up call. To think I thought those phonies were my friends," Maxine declares, and Tiffani is so horrified that she quits being a Ghost of Christmas Past and goes back to haunting malls - right after witnessing little Maxine's horrible transformation into the greeting card-selling cranky-pants she is today.

Frightening, isn't it?

After Maxine and Floyd arrive back home, the next ghost pops out of the TV. This one's a monk aboard a flying carpet. I feel like this is offensive in some way...

Well, at least it's not a poltergeist. Usually, when a ghost emerges from your TV, it's a poltergeist.
That's how it went, right? I've never seen that movie...

"I have been sent here to BLOW AWAY your negative aura of crabbiness and fill you with the joys and the healing and the now that we call Christmas," this ghost, the Ghost of Christmas Present, says. Maxine threatens to give him the finger - I wouldn't, Maxine, this is a kids' movie. At least I think it is... off they go!

"If you start singing 'A Whole New World', I'm jumping off this thing..."

The Ghost of Christmas Present (how come the Ghost of Christmas Past gets a name, but the Ghost of Christmas Present doesn't?) takes Maxine and Floyd to a Christmas party, where everybody is having a great time because Maxine isn't there. "Don't you feel that need to be loved?" the Ghost of Christmas Present asks her. "You bet!" Maxine says. "Where's Mel Gibson?"

What is it with Tress MacNeille-voiced characters having a thing for Mel Gibson? In hindsight, Maxine, you're probably lucky that Mel Gibson ISN'T there.

But not everybody is jazzed about Maxine's absence. This is the big Christmas dinner that the boy from before, whose name is revealed to be Billy, invited Maxine to. Since she didn't come, Billy is bummed (rhyme not intended). "You don't want him to have a terrible Christmas, do you? Like the one YOU had when you were his age? Remember?" the Ghost of Christmas Present asks Maxine. Maxine claims that Billy will get over it, to which the ghost asks, "Did YOU?"

I still don't get why Billy is so emotional over Maxine not wanting to attend a Christmas
party. Is she his grandmother or something?

Well, the first two ghosts failed at putting some Christmas spirit in Maxine. Maybe they should've sent the Shirt Tales to handle things. But there's still one ghost to go... but first, a UFO appears over Maxine's house. Yes, this adaptation of A Christmas Carol has aliens in it. Sure, why not?

Your Scroogeiness, Maxine, has made Marvin the Martian very angry. Very, VERY angry.

After getting beamed up into the UFO, Maxine and Floyd encounter three aliens who look like a fusion of Casper the Friendly Ghost and Roger from American Dad!. The aliens, who can talk without moving their lips, dub themselves the Ghosts of Christmas Future and say that they're going to show Maxine the consequences of her rejecting Christmas... which results in Maxine making a probing joke because of course it does.

"Let us make this quick. We are supposed to appear in the Futurama Christmas special as well."

The aliens take Maxine and Floyd to... the Planet of the Apes?

Because... hey, it exists, right?

"Whoops. Too far," one of the aliens says, and then they go back a little to the year 2025... which, coincidentally enough, is next year. In this future, Maxine discovers that Billy is now a rich CEO who hates Christmas... all because a crabby old lady didn't want to come to his family's Christmas party. And that's it. That's all it takes. Maxine doesn't need to see her own tombstone to really get the hint. She admits that she's gonna have to be nice if she doesn't want Billy to wind up like this.

The aliens take Maxine and Floyd to Billy's house, back in the present, so she can go to the party and make Billy's Christmas. Billy gives her a present - a homemade present, that is. "They're the best kind," Maxine says... but for the love of Rudolph, don't stop buying gifts from Hallmark!

And what does the present turn out to be? A painted rock! Because who doesn't like painted rocks? Maybe that's what I'll give everyone this year. Painted rocks.

"It's a great, big, beautiful old rock!"

So Maxine has learned to like Christmas... but the other 364 days, she's still going to be a grouch. After all, being a grouch is what made her such a big moneymaker for Hallmark. The special ends with her throwing a snowball at the camera.

What's the Verdict?

I've noticed a pattern with these really obscure Christmas specials... the more "irreverent" they try to be, the less likely they are to become the next A Charlie Brown Christmas. I already brought this up in my reviews of Holidaze, Ozzie the Elf, and Jingle Bell Rock, but it bears repeating - having a bunch of pop culture references and snark in your Christmas special isn't going to make it more "relevant" and "modern", if anything it's going to make it an even bigger product of its time. Most of the dialogue is just Maxine making annoying wisecracks, a good chunk of the jokes aren't funny, and the attempts at sentimentality (mainly the stuff involving Billy) fall flat and feel very half-hearted. It's almost like making a character whose whole shtick is being crabby a holiday special is a bad idea. It worked for Garfield, but Garfield has a whole comic strip to show that he's not entirely a grouch. Maxine has greeting cards and that's it.

But I will say this in the special's defense: it is a very well-made special. The animation is good. Tress MacNeille is giving it her all. But I still wouldn't recommend watching Maxine's Christmas Carol. There are far better Christmas specials worth your time. And I think it's for the best we didn't get a Maxine Thanksgiving special or a Maxine Easter special too.

Oh, and here's one more fun fact for you: this special got a stage show adaptation, just like The Happy Elf. So clearly SOMEBODY must have watched it and liked it.