Let's Watch This: "The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas" (2000)

What the heck is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas?

Well, first of all, it's not just the Zoomer Crew's first Christmas, it's the Zoomer Crew's first ANYTHING. I can't find anything online about a Zoomer Crew TV show or any other Zoomer Crew specials or even a series of Zoomer Crew books. Who the heck are the Zoomer Crew?

Actually, this special was the creation of Riverstar Entertainment Company. It was directed by Bill Hutten, who prior to this worked on productions like The Flintstones, the 1980s Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tiny Toon Adventures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and several Pink Panther cartoons. Bill also wrote the script along with voice actress Mona Marshall. None of this actually explains who the Zoomer Crew are. I guess they're just another example of characters introduced for this one special, presumably in the hopes of appearing in MORE specials after that (and likely also sell some plushes), only for things to just kind of fizzle out. Kind of like the Soulmates. We can't all be Rudolph or Frosty.

Well, whatever it is, it exists, and SOMEBODY'S gotta do a review of it. This is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas.

The special starts off... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! We eventually come across a group of aliens in their ship getting some sort of distress call. I guess these three are the titular Zoomer Crew - the furry brown one's name is Zowie, the zebra-like one's name is Z-Bee, and the square-shaped one's name is Spoo. By the way, Spoo speaks almost entirely in gibberish.

Shouldn't the one on the left be filming ads for Fruit Stripe Gum?

The three cutesy aliens call up their commander to tell him about the distress call. He tells them that it's actually an email from a planet called "Earth", which surprises the aliens - there are planets that still use email? According to the commander, Earth's technology is not nearly as advanced as the technology on their home planet, Zaedown. And the dominant species on Earth is known as the human being. They're basically friendly and caring, but they may also be childish and selfish. And then there are the kind that are incredibly nasty and unpleasant. You can usually find them on Twitter and Discord.

"Are they intelligent?"

"No. But they're very delicate. In fact, every time an asteroid strikes their planet, they have
to begin life all over. Fascinating, isn't it?"

The commander tells the Zoomers to review their primary mission - to give help when somebody seeks it, to be friendly when they do, to explore and learn of the here and beyond, and to share what they find with others.

"BUY OUR TOYS!"

Then the commander says that there's an unusual amount of activity on the northern part of the planet... which is also rumored to be the home of somebody called "Santa". Hmmm, I wonder what sort of trouble Santa is having now... financial problems again? Is Angris McBragg back for revenge?

The crew's early 2000s CGI that probably looked at least somewhat impressive when the special came out but now looks like it was grabbed from a computer game with a really small budget spaceship lands on Earth, and the Zoomer Crew get to see snow for the first time. After some WHACKY SHENANIGANS, the three come across a house belonging to two kids named Joey and Annie. Then they wind up walking into a snowman and knock its head off, which freaks them out because they think it's a human being that they accidentally beheaded. This is the height of comedy in this special.

They climb into the house and hide out amongst the kids' toys just as Joey and Annie... dear lord, what is going on with Annie's hair?!

Seriously, LOOK AT IT! What possibly convinced Annie's parents to make Bozo the Clown their hair stylist?

Anyhow, one sneeze from Spoo winds up blowing the aliens' cover, and the kids are... oddly not all that surprised by the fact that there's a mop-topped Ewok, a pink-striped dinosaur, and what would happen if Gumby and Anger from Inside Out had a baby in their room. Annie assumes that they're funny-looking elves sent by Santa to tell them that he got their email. It isn't until Joey finds out they're aliens that he gets nervous, even though these are quite possibly the least threatening aliens in the world.

I know I'm harping on this, but could somebody get Annie to a barber?

The Zoomer Crew explain to the kids that they travel around the galaxy, and then the kids tell them about Santa Claus and Christmas trees. Only problem is, Joey and Annie can't find the stand for their Christmas tree. Yes, the main conflict in this special is two kids' lack of a Christmas tree stand. Surely you can find one for cheap at Wal-Mart or something. Then again, considering that these kids seem to live in the middle of nowhere...

Zowie decides to search the attic for the stand, but all he can find is a Halloween mask. Looks like it's off to the store for a new Christmas stand. But first, it's time for that cliche where they dress the alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing up in human clothes so that nobody notices they're an alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing. You can't have a story about aliens coming to Earth and befriending kids without it.

Maybe they can claim that they're on their way to a South Park fan convention or something...

I'm not convinced that anyone is going to mistake these three for human beings... well, maybe Zowie and Spoo if they see them from a distance, but nobody's going to take a look at Z-Bee's exposed horse face and go "Oh, yeah. That's a human being all right!".

But the kids can't go to the store because they have to eat lunch, so the aliens head to the store for them. When they get to the store, they see a bunch of toys sitting in the window display out front, among them a group of blocks that can stack themselves back up after being knocked over... wait a minute, WHAT? What the heck kind of blocks do THAT? Are these magic blocks or something?

We get a montage of the aliens exploring the store trying to find a Christmas tree in the hopes that a stand will be nearby. Eventually, they collide with a guy who tells them that they'll find the "Christmas tree holder" out front. And by "Christmas tree holder", he means some guy with a cardboard cutout of a Christmas tree, so they bring HIM back to the kids' house.

Perhaps the oddest way to be abducted by aliens.

The kids lament that they can't have Christmas without a Christmas tree stand... and, I'm sorry, but I find the idea of THIS being the thing that the kids MUST have or else they can't have Christmas incredibly stupid. It makes the special hard to take seriously. Fortunately, Spoo has an idea - HE can be the Christmas tree stand while Zowie and Z-Bee make the kids a new one back on their ship. I forgot to mention this earlier, Spoo is a shapeshifter.

...wait a minute. Why didn't he think of this before?

Meh, who cares? Incredibly trivial conflict solved...

That night, Spoo gets to see Santa delivering the toys while holding up the tree. Oh, and we finally get an explanation as to where the kids' old Christmas tree stand went. Turns out, it was in the attic after all and Zowie just didn't find it. Dang it, Zowie. You had ONE JOB!

In addition, a pair of mice are now living in that Christmas tree stand. So even if the kids DID find it, they'd discover that their house has a rodent infestation.

And doesn't their mother ever clean that attic? Why didn't SHE find the Christmas tree stand?

The Zoomer Crew takes off in their ship, filled with holiday cheer and the desire to listen to Mariah Carey music and watch the live action version of The Grinch a hundred times. Suddenly a red streak of light knocks them off course.

Dear lord, Rudolph's made that nose into a weapon!

"Zoomer Crew, this Earth is a wonderous place! Maybe there are MORE humans who could use our help!" Zowie exclaims. And that's it. I take it Zowie's line was meant to be a Sequel Hook, but to my knowledge there are no other Zoomer Crew specials, so...

What's the Verdict?

This just reeks of somebody going, "Hey, y'know what kids love? Aliens. We should do a Christmas special about aliens. Oh, and make sure they're cute and cuddly-looking so we can sell plush toys of them!". In fact, was this ghost-written by those pigeons from Bolt?

Between the dull characters, the incredibly trivial "conflict" that could've been solved if Zowie weren't so incompetent, and the sappy feeling throughout, the entire special is just so BLAH and uninteresting. I'm sure toddlers would like it, but unless you've under the age of six, I wouldn't recommend watching it. I mean, it's not the WORST Christmas special I've ever seen, I doubt it would even make the top five, but it's far from the best. There are a lot of Christmas specials starring aliens (none of which, admittedly, are very well-known either), there's nothing in this one to help it stand out from the crowd.

Okay, enough negativity! We've got a more Christmas specials to look at (it's not even December yet, after all), and I promise they won't ALL be negative reviews. Admittedly, I do have ONE other negative review of a Christmas special written up, but I promise to throw some positive reviews in there too. After all, it's the holiday season - a time for being happy, not for complaining! Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's best that I get the negative ones out of the way before the holiday season really gets going...