Let's Watch This: "The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf" (1997)

Much like the Zoomer Crew, you probably have no idea who Ozzie the elf is. That's okay, neither do I. From what I've heard, the character was created for Santa Claus' website. The folks at Will Vinton Studios - now known as Laika, the folks who gave us Coraline and The BoxTrolls - apparently found out about Ozzie and thought "This guy could totally carry a Christmas special!". And thus, December 1997 saw the airing of The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf on ABC.

Directed by David Bleiman and Ken Pontac, the special is an interesting time capsule for that time in the 1990s when the internet was a brand spanking new thing. Y'know, back when we used AOL Online and Ask Jeeves and all that stuff? Now that the internet has taken over the world, a Christmas special focusing on it isn't such a huge deal anymore. I don't think the special ever re-aired, I don't even think it's ever been released on VHS. But you can find it on YouTube.

So, is The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf any good? Well, if nothing else, it's got a great voice cast: Jim Cummings, Cam Clarke, Rob Paulsen, Dan Castellaneta, Kath Souice, and Tom Kenny all lent their voices to it. But as The Nuttiest Nutcracker and Delhi Safari showed us, good voice casts don't automatically make for good productions. But let's watch the special for ourselves and see if there's anything or substance.

The special begins with Ozzie (voiced by Cam Clarke) and two other elves getting off a bus at the North Pole. And we run into this special's first problem - UGLY CHARACTER DESIGNS. Seriously, look at these guys:

Oh, yeah. THESE terrifying things were going to become beloved holiday icons like Rudolph, Frosty, and the Grinch! I wouldn't be surprised if everyone who sat down to watch the special immediately flipped to another channel upon seeing these purple-skinned monstrosities.

Initially, the North Pole just looks like a frozen wasteland, but then a female elf greets the three new recruits and gives Ozzie a bell that, when he puts it on, causes Santa's home turf to magically appear before his very eyes. What sort of sorcery IS this?!

"THAT is FRESH!" Ozzie exclaims, because that's what all the cool kids were saying in 1997, right? Oh, and then he goes "Um, DUH!", just to remind everyone that this isn't your granddaddy's stop-motion Christmas special. This one is HIP! And WITH IT!

After this special, Ozzie went on to star in Reboot. His character's name was Bob.

As he and the other elves are taken on a tour of Santa's village, Ozzie complains that the whole place is "totally version 1.0" and that he wants to help Santa "get the joint jumping". Eventually, they arrive at the reindeer stables. Comet (Dan Castellaneta) suggests that they give the elves a thrill by demonstrating their levitating powers. Fortunately, the reindeer aren't as creepy-looking as the elves.

I did say "AREN'T AS creepy-looking". I did not say "not creepy-looking at all."

The elves are taken to Elfworks, a building furnished in early Keebler where the elves work hard on toys. A Tom Kenny-voiced elf tells an elderly elf named Morty (Jim Cummings) to take Ozzie to the clothiers' unit so he can start working on a cutesy teddy bear named "Beary Sweet". Though I'd say "Beary CREEPY" is a more fitting name for it. I know I keep harping on the character designs, but I think that toy is more likely to SCARE kids than make them happy.

Equally creepy is when Ozzie looks directly at the screen. It's like he's staring into my soul,
even with his pupils pointed in different directions...

Ozzie's supervisor, Clover (Kath Souice), overhears him trash-talking what looks like Furby and Teddy Ruxpin had a baby and starts chewing him out. Honestly, though, it's hard to take this character seriously as one of those "tough boss you don't want to get mad" characters when their name is "Clover" and they sound like Lil from Rugrats.

Maleficent's early years.

Ozzie complains about how much he hates his job as he inspects Beary Sweet dolls, then he takes the head off one and finds... Bubble Tape inside it?

No, seriously, what IS that? It looks like Bubble Tape to me.

And then he spots a box of spare parts...

"Spare parts" my foot. Those are obviously completed toys!

And the wheels in his head begin turning... oh, wait, Ozzie probably wouldn't approve of such an "outdated" expression. Let me think... uh, the speed dial in his head starts up? Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing.

And just when you think Ozzie can't get even MORE terrifying, he makes this face...

This character could be the villain in a Christmas-themed horror movie. No, seriously, think about it. What if somebody did a horror movie where the villains were characters from a stop-motion Christmas special (because that's the thing in horror nowadays - take something cutesy and known for appealing to kids and make it EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!)? Ozzie could be the Big Bad.

Ozzie transforms the Beary Sweet doll into a sharp-toothed, evil-looking terror riding what looks like a cross between a monster truck and a lawn mower. Clover is understandably enraged - I mean, he wasn't actually doing his job and while one could make the argument that he was just creating a new toy, I don't think any kids are gonna want that thing under their Christmas tree - so she drags him to Santa (Jim Cummings)'s office so he can decide what to do with him.

There's only so many times I can say that the character designs in this special are creepy,
but... yeesh.

Clover and Ozzie show off Ozzie's terrifying new version of Beary Sweet (which burps a lot, by the way... because burping is automatically funny, right?)...

The perfect toy to traumatize your kids with!

And believe it or not, Santa is actually AMUSED by it. Then Ozzie notices how long the "Naughty and Nice" list is, which Santa admits makes it hard to keep track of all the kids in the world. This gives Ozzie an idea - with the right computer system, keeping track of the kids would be much easier. Heck, Santa could even set up a home page so the kids can send him emails. "Long as I've got the hardware, I can wire ya into the net!" he insists. "No sweat!"

Side note, Santa sounds a LOT like Pete.

Santa agrees, and then says that Clover can work alongside Ozzie to get that computer system going. Clover is not happy. In fact, she's so enraged that she makes a joke about Ozzie HANGING HIMSELF. Jeez, that was incredibly dark...

We're treated to a montage of Ozzie whipping up Santa's home page on his laptop, Santa checking his email, Elfworks being renamed "Elftech Industries", machinery being brought into the workshop so the elves can make more of Ozzie's Beary Horrifying monstrosities... I expect a lot of kids who asked for Beary Sweet dolls to be disappointed on Christmas morning. Disappointed and terrified.

For those wondering, yes, Santa's Home Page still exists. It doesn't look like that anymore, though...

Clover complains that the new, technologically-advanced toymaking factory is "cold and hard" - not what Christmas is supposed to be. I know we're intended to side with Ozzie, but I can't help but agree with Clover. It's one thing to use technology to make things like keeping track of all the kids in the world easier, but when you're basically letting it take over, you're likely to wind up like the humans in WALL-E. In fact, I have the uneasy feeling that we humans are destined to become like them: fat, lazy, and relying on technology for everything. And how did that work out for them, huh?

Ozzie simply tells Clover to "get with the program", then prevents Morty from touching a button labeled "DO NOT TOUCH!". Morty says that with the fancy machinery doing his job, he's got nothing to do but sit around and watch. Ozzie is apathetic, which prompts Clover to finally and I mean FINALLY read him the riot act.

"Do you know how long that sweet old elf's been working here for millions of little kids who don't even know he exists?!" she demands. "Of course not! And you don't care! All you care about is YOU! And that's about as FAR from Christmas spirit as you can get!"

"And by the way, with how quickly technology advances, your fancy machinery is going to look
really, really outdated by the 2010s! Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!"

Alas, Ozzie still doesn't quite get it through his thick head. "Don't harsh my mellow, Clover," he says, because kids were saying that in 1997 too, right? "Production's way up, and we're making twice as many toys as we did the old-fashioned way!" But as Clover points out, they don't have any HEART in them - just like Ozzie. Also, they're terrifying. Which is another thing that they and Ozzie have in common.

Then Santa shows up with a new request for Ozzie: maybe he could upgrade his sleigh, too? Add a cup holder and one of them fancy music machines? Yeah, how did have a fancy high-tech sleigh work out for Santa Cow in The Moo Family Holiday Hoedown again? From what I recall, not so good...

We cut to Ozzie showing the reindeer his idea for a new and improved sleigh...

"Boy, this movie is terrible."

"I told you we should've went to see Hercules instead..."

Ozzie's idea is to replace the sleigh with some sort of jet-rocket-ship-thing that gets around the world must faster than a sleigh pulled by reindeer. And since it doesn't need reindeer to pull it, that means the reindeer are all going to be pink-slipped. Is it not in the Christmas spirit to hope that this leads to the reindeer all rising up against Ozzie and beating the crap out of him? Then taking a giant novelty candy cane to his fancy machinery?

Ozzie's reign of terror continues as he builds the jet-rocket-ship-whatever and lets Santa take a test flight. Santa uses the jet-rocket-whatever's present-delivering system to send gifts raining down on the elves like bombs, sending them all into a panic. Truly Ozzie has brought many improvements to Santa's village!

Then one of the presents hits that "DO NOT TOUCH!" button from before, and even more chaos ensues. I wonder if this is going to be a problem for Ozzie...

Still hoping for that reindeer uprising...

I've noticed that the title of this special is a bit misleading. Ozzie isn't having adventures online, in fact most of this special isn't even focused on the internet. Perhaps they should've called it "Ozzie the Elf Destroys Santa's Workshop" or "Somebody Please Stop Ozzie the Elf" instead.

Santa initally assumes that the new sleigh is a new toy for the kids, but when Ozzie fills him in, he actually puts his foot down. "Why, those reindeer and I are a team!" he insists. "Santa without the reindeer, why, that's like Christmas without the merry!"

I'm way more satisfied seeing Ozzie have one of his ideas turned down than I probably should be.

"He wanted to KEEP the reindeer? Oh, how could I have been so... DUMB?" Ozzie laments. He goes to tell the reindeer that they're not being fired after all, but they all flew the coop after finding out that they were going to be replaced by Ozzie's fancy technology. Thanks a lot, Ozzie. You've ruined Christmas.

And yet Ozzie tries to pin the blame on Clover for it, because after all, SHE'S the one who told the reindeer that they were going to be fired. I'm sorry, but NO. This is OZZIE'S fault. If he hadn't gotten the idea to replace the sleigh with some sort of fancy rocket sleigh in the first place, the reindeer wouldn't have left. Fortunately, there's a way to contact the reindeer - with the "Master Bell"! Which Santa wears around his neck. After they get it (Santa is napping at the moment and they can't just wake him up and tell him that the reindeer left thanks to Ozzie), Clover gives Ozzie some instructions: "Ring the bell, and think about the reindeer. You have to WANT them to come back, Ozzie." So Ozzie tries that... and it works!

Does this mean no climax where the reindeer rise against Ozzie and whack him with a
giant novelty candy cane? Can't one of them at least punch him in the face or something?

So, problem solved, right? Well, no - Blitzen didn't come back with the other reindeer. Quick, somebody call up Olive and tell her she's needed at the North Pole again.

Actually, Ozzie has an idea - he can use email to contact all of his friends around the world and ask them if they've seen Blitzen. And in his email, he admits that he was so busy trying to upgrade Christmas that he forgot what it was all about. Some kid writes him back telling him that he saw Blitzen under the Brooklyn Bridge, so he and Comet head there.

Oof, the poor guy's developed a gambling addiction. See what you've done, Ozzie?!

When they find Blitzen, he explains that he gambled his bell away in a game of craps. And without a bell, he can never go back to the North Pole. Thus, Ozzie decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and give Blitzen HIS bell, which means that now OZZIE won't be able to go back to the North Pole. Honestly, though, I think that's for the best.

Maybe Ozzie can use his high-tech machinery and computer systems to help cobblers. They use
machinery to make shoes, don't they?

The reindeer fly off, Ozzie walks around with a bummed expression on his face and then, all of a sudden, he's swept up by Santa, who offers him a permanent job at the North Pole. Clover gives him a new bell to get around the whole "bell needed to see Santa's village" problem, and Blitzen reminds the audience that Christmas stories always have a happy ending. Honestly, though, I'm not sure just how happy of an ending it is. Thanks to Ozzie, Christmas almost wound up being ruined. And aren't there still a bunch of terrifying monster truck-riding demon bears zipping around the North Pole? And what about poor Monty? Hasn't he still been reduced to just sitting there watching the machines make toys?

What's the Verdict?

Why didn't this special catch on? Well, for one thing, it's tremendously dated. Between the 1997 technology shown off and awkward slang thrown around, it's really hard to watch it past, I dunno, 2004 and not think "This is so 1990s that it hurts." Maybe I could've looked past that if the special were at least good, but honestly, it's not. Ozzie is a really unlikable character who you frequently want to punch in the face, most of the character designs are ugly, the jokes aren't funny, and like a lot of other bad Christmas specials, it tries too hard to be "edgy" and "with it" that it just gives the whole thing a, to quote Clover, cold and hard feel to it. Is there anything good about it? Well, the voice actors all do a good job with the material they've been given (even if Tom Kenny and Rob Paulsen aren't given much to do - I think Tom had, like, four lines). But aside from that, I wouldn't recommend watching The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf. I'm sure everyone involved had good intentions, but it's one of those Christmas specials that tries too hard and just winds up falling flat on its face.

Here's an interesting fact for you: the special's directors, David Bleiman and Ken Pontac, both worked on Bump in the Night. Which also featured Jim Cummings and Rob Paulsen as part of the voice cast. My advice for you all - watch that show's Christmas special instead.