Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Capitol Critters"

I've mentioned Capitol Critters before - specifically, in my review of Fish Police. I brought it up as one of the three cartoon shows greenlit (the other being Family Dog) to cash in on the success of The Simpsons. The show was produced by Steven Bochco Productions and Hanna-Barbera for ABC, which began airing the show in January 1992. Seven of the thirteen episodes made were aired before ABC cancelled the show. Later, all thirteen episodes aired on Cartoon Network.

Why didn't the show become the next Simpsons? Well, the obvious answer is "maybe it just wasn't good", but my theory is that it just didn't look appealing to the audience that ABC was hoping to get. If it had been a Saturdays morning cartoon show, chances are it would've done at least slightly better in ratings. But when your best idea for competing with an edgy show like The Simpsons is a bunch of cutesy cartoon mice, maybe you should go back to the drawing board. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people seeing ads for the show brushed it off as a knock-off of An American Tail or something like that.

Okay, it's not JUST mice. There are also rats and cockroaches. And they all live in the basement and walls of the White House. I would make a political joke here, but I'm not clever enough to think of one. The main character is Max, a young mouse from Nebraska voiced by Neil Patrick Harris, who lives with his hippie cousin Berkeley (Jennifer Darling), a rebellious rat named Jammet (Charlie Adler), and Jammet's mother Trixie (Patti Deutsch). Other characters include lab rat Muggle (Bobcat Goldthwait), a "hip" cockroach named Moze (Dorian Harewood), and the White House's resident cats (both Frank Welker), who are caricatures of George H.W. Bush and Dan Quayle.

The show does (or at least did) have a small fanbase thanks to the aforementioned reruns on Cartoon Network. Does it deserve that fanbase, or is it as weak as Fish Police? Let's find out. We'll be watching the sixth episode of the show, "Opie's Choice"... which, from the sound of its description, appears to be a metaphor for drug addiction. Yep, it's one of THOSE episodes...

We start off with Max getting ready for bed. Before he can doze off, Muggle shows up in his room and laments that he can't find his mousehole. You see, he went out to get a glass of water because he had cottonmouth... literally. He pulls a cotton ball out of his mouth. That's... kind of funny, I guess?

"Narf!"

As Max is leading Muggle back to his mousehole, they suddenly encounter a squirrel who is clearly on crack. Seriously, just look at him:

Well, maybe he's not on crack. Maybe he's just sleep-deprived. It would explain the bags
under his eyes...

Why do so many cartoon squirrels act like they're on crack? This guy, Twitchy from Hoodwinked!, Hammy from Over the Hedge... I guess animators just find hyperactive squirrels funny or something?

Anyway, the squirrel introduces himself as Opie, and he asks if they've seen Jammet around. At the moment, Jammet and his pals are giving one of the cats a hotfoot. Yes, a hotfoot. He takes out a match, lights it, and sticks it between the cat's toes. I can tell this is going to be a very likeable character.

Seriously, maybe it's just the animal lover in me talking, but I think even Jerry would draw
the line at giving Tom a hotfoot.

The cat is also covered in bandages, and has casts on all four paws. Is this meant to imply that Jammet and his buddies cause the cat physical pain often? Even if it doesn't, they still come across as jerks for picking on an already injured animal.

After commiting an act of animal cruelety, Jammet and his amigos come across Max and Opie. Jammet tells Max to scram, then once he and Opie are alone participates in some good ol' fashioned drug dealing. Oh, sure, Opie is giving him acorns instead of money for the drugs he's going to supply him, but it's still for all intents and purposes drug dealing. One of our main characters is a drug dealer.

So not only does Jammet abuse already injured animals, he's also a drug dealer. Such an
appealing character, isn't he?

The next morning, Jammet takes Max out to show him the White House's "Easter Parade". Faceless humans haul wheelbarrows and wagons full of Easter Eggs. Max deduces that they're getting ready for the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Ah, so this is an Easter special of sorts? I should've known. Nothing says Easter like drug-dealing rats and crack-addicted squirrels. Actually, since this takes place on Easter, maybe I should've waited until April to post this review...

Jammet wants to steal all the Easter Eggs for himself. I don't know what a rat would want with Easter Eggs. Are they real, painted eggs, or the plastic kind that you hide candy in? If it's the latter, maybe he wants the candy inside. If it's the former... I don't know, maybe he plans on making the world's biggest omelet? "Jammet, these are Easter Eggs. Hundreds of disadvantaged kids look forward to this!" Max protests. "Might as well be swiping Tiny Tim's Christmas dinner!" Jammet, of course, doesn't listen, so Max storms off.

Side note, with all due respect towards Charlie Adler, I find Jammet's voice really grating. Half the time, I can't even make out what he's saying.

Ever wanted to hear Ickis act "street"? Congratulations, this is the show for you.

Then Max comes across Opie... singing a rock song? Uh, okay then... clearly, Opie has overdone it on the sugar, because he's acting even MORE like a crack addict than he was at the beginning of the episode. I think we need to have Garfield, ALF, the Chipmunks, and the Muppet Babies show up and sing a song to him about saying no to drugs...

Hello, new nightmare fuel.

After subjecting Max to more of his failed standup comedy routine, Opie dashes off. Max correctly guesses that Jammet has something to do with Opie's being, y'know, off his rockers and goes to confront him. Jammet reveals that he's in possessions of something called "Pep Ups".

Dun dun dun!

He found them a few months ago on the sidewalk. Muggle explains that they're caffeine pills, most widely used as a stimulant to the central nervous system. The White House guards take 'em to stay awake. But when a squirrel takes one, they become... why don't I just show you the screencap again?

"Jammet, have you seen him today?!" Max demands. "He can't even tell what a TREE looks like! I can't believe you give these things to him!" "I don't," Jammet replies. "I SELL 'EM to him! Where do you think I got all those nuts?"

Wait a minute... squirrels collect nuts to store for the winter, so they won't go hungry when the snow comes... if Opie is giving all of the nuts he finds to Jammet, does that mean... oh, jeez. Not only is Opie slowly going insane from all the caffeine pills Jammet has him addicted to, but he's gonna STARVE! Jammet is EVIL. Quite possibly the most evil character in anything I've reviewed on this blog. Like, on par with Phango, Nigel, Napoleon Cross, Mombi, Dr. Paradigm, and the bad guy from Top Cat: The Movie!

I guess you could say that the "Pep Ups" make Opie NUTS. Obvious joke, I know...

Then Opie shows up and says that he could really use another "Pep Up", but he doesn't have any more nuts to give Jammet. However, Jammet gets an idea... he can use Opie to steal all those Easter Eggs. If Opie gets him the eggs, he'll give Opie a "Pep Up". Opie agrees. After Opie leaves, Max yells at Jammet for being the scum of the Earth. "He's HOOKED! Can't you see that?!" he snaps. "He gave you all his nuts! What's he gonna do this winter?! What if he has a FAMILY?!" Jammet, of course, doesn't listen. I'm actually starting to hope for Tom or Sylvester to come along and eat this little rat.

Max is so disgusted by Jammet (what kind of a name is that, anyway?) that he declares he doesn't want to live with him anymore. "Good! I'm gonna need the space!" Jammet barks. Attention, showrunners: there's a difference between a character who's a massive jerk but still fun to watch (Squidward, Kuzco, Zapp Brannigan) and a character who's so much of a jerk that you actually become uncomfortable by how despicable they are. And yes, I get that Jammet is supposed to be in the wrong here, but he's still one of the show's main characters. It's not a good idea to have one of the show's main characters be this vile, otherwise there's a good chance people aren't going to want to keep watching the show - because if they keep watching the show, they'll see more of him and his vile actions. I don't see how Jammet could possibly redeem himself by this point.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I don't mean the politicans,
just Jammet.

As the school buses show up at the White House, Opie runs out to get his hands on those eggs. Max tries to talk some sense into him, but it doesn't do any good.

Did you know that Neil Patrick Harris also voiced a kid in an episode of Captain Planet?
No, really. Look it up.

Suddenly, we see some mouse-shaped shadows cast themselves on a wall. They're talking about how Max MUST be the one who's selling Opie the "Pep Ups"... uh-oh, is Max going to get framed for Jammet's actions? Is he going to go to Mouse Jail or whatever? Or, considering that one of them takes out a knife, are they going to kill Max?

No, don't go after Max! The sleazy rat with the baseball bat and the turtleneck is the one
you want!

The shadows, at it turns out, belong to a group of rat gangsters. "When squirrels down here want the Pep Up, they get it from ME," one of them snarls. "I do right by them. I work hard, I run a good business, and when a little freak like you tries to take away my business, I gotta take him to school." And by "take him to school", he means force feed Max some "Pep Ups" as a taste of his own medicine. Oh, no...

Why couldn't they have done this to Jammet? It would've been far more satisfying...

After Max is subjected to "Pep Ups", we cut to Opie delivering two eggs to Jammet... who seems to have done pretty well swiping the eggs himself, so I don't know what he needed Opie's help for. Jammet refuses to give Opie any more "Pep Ups" until he gets him some more eggs. Suddenly, Muggle rushes in screaming about how the gangster rats attacked him and Max because they thought Max was the one selling "Pep Ups" to Opie and how they made Max eat some himself. Jammet makes a shocked expression that I guess is supposed to imply that he's concerned for Max... honestly, though, I'm not buying it. He saw how the "Pep Ups" affected Opie and he didn't give a rat's tail (no pun intended) about what Max thought of the situation. And NOW, all of a sudden, he's showing concern for someone who's in danger because of him? I call bull.

"Wait, are you tellin' me that my actions have CONSEQUENCES?!"

Trixie says that she's going to have Jammet dissected (please do!) and the rodents all race off to save Max. Trixie and Berkeley get chased by some dogs, only for Jammet to come in and start interrogating the dogs for information on Max's whereabouts. He ties their whiskers in a knot, and as they're walking off they wonder how they're going to explain this. Okay, I'll admit that was pretty funny.

I do have a question, however: how come in this world, the mice, rats, squirrels, dogs, and cockroaches can talk but the cats don't? Or do the cats just have a different language?

Is it too much to ask that the dogs eat Jammet? I don't know if dogs eat rats, but I will forgive
any inaccuracies if it leads to Jammet getting his just desserts.

Eventually, Jammet comes across the tree where Opie lives and meets his mother and sibling. They're starving because Opie gave all their nuts to Jammet to get his hands on those sweet sweet "Pep Ups". This is meant to be Jammet's big "realizes he did something wrong" moment, but... honestly, it falls flat because earlier in the episode he was shown not caring when Max brought up the possibility of Opie starving in the winter because of him. How did we go from "straight up evil rat who gets a squirrel addicted to caffeine pills and shows no remorse over it" to "realizes the consequences of his actions and feels bad about it"?

What if Jammet had straight-up murdered Opie? Would this scene still "redeem" him in
the audience's eyes?

We cut to Opie still out collecting eggs, and he comes across an unconscious Max. I guess the "Pep Ups" have a different effect on mice than they do on squirrels. He brings Max back to the other rodents, and Muggle tries to nurse the poor mouse back to health - fortunately, he knows everything there is to know about every drug ever made. And the antidote for "Pep Ups" is, apparently, water. So all Opie needed to get better was to go to the closest pond, puddle, what have you and take a sip?

Jammet decides to get rid of the "Pep Ups" despite Opie the addicted squirrel's objections. Then he goes into a rant about how his vileness resulted in Max getting sick, then goes up to one of the cats and kicks it in the face. "I'M RIGHT HERE, YA FLEA-SUCKIN' PINHEAD!" he shouts at it. "TAKE ME OUT! EAT ME!"

Unfortunately, it doesn't. Honestly, though, that's probably for the best - this episode is dark enough already without them having a rat commit suicide.

"Sorry, pal. I don't eat characters like you. They taste rotten."

Get it? Rotten? Because Jammet is such a despicable creature? Thank you, I'll be here
all week...

Chuck E. Sleaze is so ashamed of himself that he decides to give all the nuts and Easter eggs to Opie's family so they won't go hungry. As well as a TON OF OTHER FOOD! Seriously, where the heck did he get all that?! No, seriously, WHERE?! Did he raid the White House kitchen? Did he cook all of it himself? I need information!

Don't worry, Max pulls through eventually. "He's awake, and he's talking, and he's wetting Jammet's bed!" Muggle tells Trixie. Speaking of Jammet, he's still trying to commit suicide, and it looks like he's finally gotten a cat to gobble him up...

That cat's supposed to look like George H.W. Bush...

I don't see the resemblance.

Berkeley tells Jammet that Max is okay, and the cat... DOESN'T eat Jammet, actually, he just launches him through a wall. Jammet assures Max that he's through selling "Pep Ups", they eat an Easter Egg, and those gangster rats get no comeuppance and are still out there peddling "Pep Ups" to unsuspecting squirrels. Happy ending? I think not.

What's the Verdict?

If this episode is any indication, I don't think Capitol Critters had any chance of being the next Simpsons. For one thing, it's not a good idea to have one of your main characters gleefully selling what is for all intents and purposes a drug. There are lines that you don't have your main characters cross if you want them to still come across as likeable. They could've given us an episode about the dangers of taking drugs without making one of the main characters scum. Aside from that, the other characters are dull, most of the jokes aren't funny, and I would hesitate to call this Neil Patrick Harris OR Charlie Adler's best work. The animation's pretty good, I'll give it that. But as a whole, Capitol Critters doesn't have a whole lot going for it. I give 'em credit for teaching a good lesson, but I doubt most people in 1992 were in the mood to have a cartoon mouse preach at them about how caffiene pills are bad for you. It's not the worst cartoon I've ever watched, but there are far better ones worth your time.

I was going to end this review with a drawing of a far more likeable cartoon rat, Remy from Ratatouille, whacking Jammet on the head with a sledgehammer, but my attempt at drawing that turned out poorly (I can't draw sledgehammers very well, for one thing). So here, have this drawing of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird:

It doesn't have anything to do with Capitol Critters, but it's a pretty accurate representation of what Opie was like in this episode.

P.S. No, I'm not doing a review of Family Dog. I tried to, but the episode I watched gave me zero material to get jokes out of. It mainly consists of a poor dog getting put through the wringer both mentally and physically - and the dog doesn't even talk or do anything anthropomorphic, so it feels like you're watching a real dog being tortured. I wouldn't recommend watching it at all.