Let's Watch This: "Everyone's Hero" (2006)

I've admittedly never been a huge baseball fan. My father and sister, on the other hand? They LOVE the Yankees. Just love 'em. Often we've all been down to Yankee Stadium to see a game, which I've always found a lot of fun. We've even met Johnny Damon!

And yet, to my knowledge, my father and sister have never seen Everyone's Hero. Considering that it wasn't able to make back its apparently forty million dollar budget, they aren't the only ones.

Anyhow, let's talk about Everyone's Hero. This is a movie about Babe Ruth... or rather, a kid who worships Babe Ruth and embarks on a journey to return his lucky baseball bat. Actually, here's all you need to know about the movie: the baseball bat is alive and voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. And there's also a baseball that's alive, too, and it's voiced by Rob Reiner. It's also got Robin Williams, Richard Kind, Raven-Symone, William H. Macy, Jake T. Austin, Mandy Patinkin... and it's directed by Christopher "Superman" Reeve.

Now I know good casts do not automatically equal good movies. They can be the only redeeming thing ABOUT a movie (for example, Dehli Safari's only redeeming factors being the performances of Tara Strong, Tom Kenny, Brad Garrett and Troy Baker), but just because you've got talented folks like Richard Kind and Robin Williams does not mean that your movie is going to be a success. Case in point, this film was a box office bomb (maybe the talking baseball bat voiced by Whoopi Goldberg scared people away) and mixed reviews. But hey, maybe the movie is actually very good! Or maybe it isn't. Let's find out...

The film begins with - what else - a game of baseball... except from the baseball's point of view. After that, we cut to a bunch of kids having a baseball game of their own, one of them being our main character. His name is Yankee Irving (voiced by Jake T. Austin), and he apparently isn't all that popular with the other kids because, like most protagonists of baseball-focused films, he's not very good at baseball.

You might recall that Jake T. Austin was also the voice of Fernando from Rio.

After two strikes, Yankee starts fantasising about actually batting for the New York Yankees. He winds up striking out again and the other kids ditch him. Then he finds a baseball under an old broken down car. "Guess nobody wants YOU in the game, either," he tells it.

Suddenly, we cut to a newsreel telling us about the Yankees' "splendiferous" winning streak, thanks to Babe Ruth and his lucky bat. Which is rather fortunate, considering that they're in the World Series, playing against the Chicago Cubs. I checked, and yes, this is accurate - the Yankees did indeed play the Cubs during the 1932 World Series. I don't know why I looked that up. I guess it's because I wasn't willing to take the movie's word for it, despite the fact that it was clearly written by people who know much more about baseball than me. Maybe it's because I figured "Well, hey, it's got a talking baseball bat in it, they might've taken more creative liberties."

I feel like I should know who that guy next to Babe Ruth is supposed to be.
Anybody know who it is?

This makes the owner of the Chicago Cubs, Napoleon Cross (voiced by Robin Williams), very very angry. He complains as he watches the newsreel about how popular Babe Ruth is. His image is on everything, even underpants!

Babe Ruth underpants: for the guy who's just a biiiiiiiiit too obsessed with Babe Ruth
in your life!

Napoleon hates Babe Ruth because he wants a World Series trophy, which Babe Ruth just so happens to have. Also in the room is a pitcher for the Cubs, Lefty Maginnis (voiced by William H. Macy). His schtick is that he cheats. So he's basically the Dick Dastardly of baseball.

Then Napoleon figures out that Babe Ruth has a lucky charm - his bat. So all they've gotta do to win the World Series is take away his bat. "Babe without bat... is NOTHING! Without that bat, he's just big and fat!" he exclaims. I dunno if this guy has any room to talk about somebody being "big and fat". Well, maybe he's not big (he's actually pretty short), but he is indeed fat. Then again, that's probably supposed to be the joke. Anyhow, he orders Lefty to steal the bat.

You know, it's actually kind of jarring having Robin Williams voice a villainous character. I think this is the only time he ever did that. Usually, he voiced friendly, heroic characters like the Genie from Aladdin, Fender from Robots, Batty from FernGully: The Last Rainforest, and Ramone and Lovelace from the Happy Feet movies. I just find it hard to wrap my head around a villain having his voice.

Okay, back to the movie. Yankee returns home to sulk about how much he sucks at baseball, but then he discovers that the baseball he found is alive! He's terrified, because who wouldn't crap their pants at a baseball suddenly coming to life and speaking in the voice of Rob Reiner?

Say hello to the film's wacky comic relief character.

We get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS of Yankee chasing the baseball around his room. He shows his mom (Christopher Reeve's wife Dana), but apparently she can't hear the baseball talk. She jokes that she can hear the meatloaf she's cooking talking, to which the baseball says, "Talking meatloaf?! Food can't talk! Except beans, they can make themselves heard!" Ha ha ha, fart joke.

So, in addition to the whole "sucks at baseball" thing, Yankee is bummed about something else - his dad has to work extra hours. His mother lets him deliver his dinner to him, so he puts the talking baseball in his underwear drawer and heads out. Oh, and do you know just WHERE, exactly, his dad (Mandy Patinkin) works? Hint: it's somewhere in New York.

No, not there.

Not there either.

That's not even in New York.

Alas, no. There aren't any Muppets in this movie (although Mandy Patinkin did appear in an episode of Sesame Street and was also in that Elmo in Grouchland film).

That's right, Yankee Stadium! Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

So, we have a sweet scene with Yankee and his dad having dinner together. Yankee tells his dad that he found a talking baseball who he calls "Screwy", then admits that he thinks he sucks at baseball. His dad gives him a pep talk, then shows him the team's locker room. We get a... pop song? At least, I think it's a pop song? Anyway, a song starts playing as Yankee sees Babe Ruth's beloved bat, Darlin'. Then it's time to head home, but Yankee's having such a good time that his dad offers to let him stay in the locker room while he puts his things away, then they'll meet at the gate. Once his dad leaves, a security guard shows up and tells Yankee to scram. But it's not really a security guard, it's actually Lefty Maginnis! Dun-dun-dun!

Cut to the next morning. We get a spit joke (eugh), immediately followed by a fart joke (eugh again). Yankee asks Screwy to give him some pointers, but Screwy refuses because he hates baseball. Despite, y'know, BEING a baseball. By the way, are we ever gonna get an explanation as to why the baseball talks? We're not supposed to assume Yankee's just imagining it, right?

"Baseball's only gonna break yer heart," Screwy insists. "Did you know I made it to the majors? I remember it like it was yesterday. The sun was shining... forty-thousand fans screamin' as I'm tossed to the mound... It was like a dream come true. All I ever wanted was to be a home run ball. And on the very first pitch... CRACK! I'm on my way! Going, going... foul! That's right, kid. Foul ball. Right out of the park. Dreams and everything... vanished. And did anyone ever come look for me? No. They left me out there to rot."

"So, what did you do during quarantine?"
"I watched a movie where a talking baseball tells a kid his tragic backstory."

Meanwhile, Yankee's parents have received a visit from a Mr. Robinson (Robert Wagner) and policeman Officer Bryant (Ritchie Allen). They say that someone broke into the Yankees' locker room and stole Babe Ruth's bat. When Yankee tells them about the security guard who as we know is in fact Lefty Maginnis, they become convinced that Yankee stole it despite his parents' objections. Screwy, meanwhile, complains about Yankee forcing him to eat meatloaf. How does a baseball eat? I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out why it can TALK.

"What am I gonna tell Babe? We need to pack all the gear for Chicago TODAY!" Mr. Robinson says. Then he decides to fire Yankee's dad, and predictably do not listen to Yankee's claims about this mysterious security guard. Because if they did, the movie would've likely been over quite quickly.

Is it just me, or does this guy kind of look like Ben Stein?

Oh, and Yankee's dad thinks that Yankee took the bat now, too. Yeah, just brush off your son's claims that a security guard took it. He says that there was no security guard on duty, shouldn't this imply that the mysterious security guard might just be the thief? You know, that he snuck in to take the bat? Just sayin'.

Then Yankee figures it out - that security guard from last night looked exactly like pitcher for the Cubs Lefty Maginnis, who he just so happens to have a baseball card of! "Lefty stole the bat so Babe can't hit!" he exclaims. He's about to tell his dad, but Screwy reminds him that he doesn't have any proof, so the chances of anyone believing him are quite slim. So he decides to sneak out of the house, go to the train station where the Cubs will be, and search for Lefty. This results in some more WHACKY SHENANIGANS as Yankee and Lefty sneak out through the window.

Once at the train station, Yankee manages to spot Lefty just as he's getting on the train. They manage to sneak aboard, grab the suspicious case that Lefty has with him, and run off with it. So, movie over, right?

Did you know that more than eight hundred languages are spoken in New York
City? I know that's not particularly interesting, but I couldn't think of anything
else to say here...

Wrong. The train's already left the station, and Lefty's after Yankee. He and Screwy manage to jump the train and onto another one, but so does Lefty, who climbs onto the roof. After some more WHACKY SHENANIGANS, he manages to get inside the train and corner Yankee. But fortunately, Yankee and Screwy manage to jump onto a THIRD train, and when Lefty follows he winds up getting clobbered by a sign.

Once the train arrives at the station, the conductor tells Yankee that if he wants to get back to New York he'll need to get a ticket on a train back. Alas, the ticket booth is closed for the night. But they have the bat, so at least there's that.

"Now I can break the kneecaps of all those other kids who said mean things about me!"

The bat, as it turns out, is sentient as well. As I've said before, she's voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg, everyone - the only woman who can claim to have played a baseball bat, a hyena, a book, a magic mirror, a rabbit, a cow, a goat, a god, and a police officer whose partner is Earl Sinclair from Dinosaurs. Quite the resume she's made for herself, huh?

"Do you know who I am?" she asks Screwy. "I'm Darlin', honey. I'm the Babe's bat. Born of a thousand year-old tree, on the side of Mount Olympus, struck by lightning, and carved by monks using the horn of a unicorn..." Screwy, of course, doesn't believe her story. I'm a bit skeptical myself, but hey, if there are talking baseballs and baseball bats in this world I suppose unicorns and baseball bat-carving monks aren't exactly out of the question.

So, did Babe Ruth know that his bat could talk, too? If not, I'd say that he's in for a
surprise...

Screwy and Darlin' start arguing, then Yankee gives the bat some exposition - if he returns to New York and gives his dad the bat, he'll get his job back. But Darlin' insists that they take her to Chicago 'cause that's where Babe Ruth is. And she just so happens to know that Babe Ruth is a generous man who would likely be happy to get Yankee's dad his job back, maybe even with a big raise, hintiddy-hint-hint-hint. Meanwhile, Yankee's parents are worried sick about their son, and Lefty is still on the hunt for Yankee. Eventually, he makes it to the very same train station where Yankee currently is, where he decides to call his boss. And this, apparently, is what Napoleon does in his spare time:

Meh. It's no "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW, NO! AAAAAAAAW, NO! COUNTRY
BEAR HALL HAS BEEN CRUSHED!".

Lefty lies to his boss and tells him that he's got the bat, then proceeds to laugh over how they blamed Yankee and his dad for the theft. Just in case you didn't get by now that this guy was a donkey's rear end.

You know what I just realized? William H. Macy and Whoopi Goldberg were both in Doogal. And that film was released the same year. That's interesting, isn't it? At least, kind of?

"Mr. Leno, I'm just calling to tell you that you've really let yourself go..."

But then Lefty spots his box under his feet... and then discovers that the bat isn't in it. Then he spots Yankee running off with the bat in his backpack, and it's chase scene time! Fortunately, Yankee manages to get away, and Lefty runs afoul of Mr. Train.

Later, after arguing with Darlin' some more, Screwy gets stolen by a dog and takes him to an abandoned building where there are some hobos. Darlin' assumes that they're pirates. And since they're in Pittsburgh, that makes them PITTSBURG Pirates.

The hobos (voiced by Richard Kind, Ed Helms, and Ron Tippe) give Yankee some beans for dinner, and then they manage to rig up their makeshift radio so they can listen to a baseball game. Because everyone in this movie is obsessed with baseball. Yankee is bummed that Babe isn't doing so good without his bat, but the hobos give him a pep talk.

The difference between bums and hobos is that hobos are willing to work. Bums are
not. Everybody got that?

After that, Yankee decides to head off to Chicago. "Babe's their hero," he says. "He's EVERYONE'S hero!"

By morning, Yankee has become tired and incredibly hungry. Fortunately, there's an apple tree that he can snag breakfast from. Careful, Yankee, with your luck the apple tree's gonna be sentient too and he'll channel the trees from The Wizard of Oz. Then these two jerk kids show up and swipe Screwy.

Does that kid on the left have a five o'clock shadow, or is it just the lighting?

Thankfully, a girl named Marti (Raven Symone) shows up to defend Yankee. This results in a few minutes of the four kids throwing apples at each other, then the bullies bug off... and then run into Lefty and throw an apple at him.

Marti takes Yankee back to her house, where she reveals that her father is none other than Lonnie Brewster, pitcher for the Cincinnati Tigers. Thus, he can help Yankee with his quest - he's in Toledo at the moment, and his team is heading to Chicago tomorrow. But then Lefty shows up at the door claiming to be Yankee's dad. Yankee, I have a few words that might be helpful for you. The first is "restraining" and the second is "order".

STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

Fortunately, Yankee manages to escape as Marti's mom (Cherise Boothe) acts awesome and gives Lefty the business, but alas he manages to escape and chase after Yankee... but not before getting into more slapstick. I've noticed that Lefty is the character in the movie who's on the receiving end of the most slapstick. Must be because he's a villain and ergo we don't feel any sympathy for him.

Eventually, Darlin' manages to knock Lefty out. We get a montage of Yankee traveling and his parents searching for him as a depressing song plays. As it starts to rain, Screwy and Darlin' start arguing again. Yankee agrees with me and tells them to knock it off. Yankee's feeling really bummed, which mainly stems from the fact that, as Screwy points out, he's a ten-year-old boy in the middle of nowhere sitting under a bridge during a rainstorm with a bat who treats him like a pack mule. "Ever thank him for saving you from Lefty? Or carting you all the way back to Chicago?!" he asks Darlin', prompting her to realize that, hey, she didn't do either of those things. So she does that, and gives him a pep talk... and then we cut back to Napoleon. You know what's depressing? This film features a character voiced by Robin Williams who isn't funny.

Lefty calls up Napoleon and argues with him for a few minutes. He also gets struck by lightning. Again, Lefty's a jerk, so I'm okay with that. Yankee's parents arrive at Marti's house, so they're a step closer to finding Yankee. I'm okay with that too (obviously).

We're fifty-six minutes in, for those of you wondering.

Yankee makes it to where the Cincinnati Tigers are and meets up with Lonnie Brewster (Forrest Whitaker), who lets him hitch a ride with them. Aboard the... I think it's a bus, they all play a rousing game of something called "shadowball", which apparently is baseball for mimes. Even Screwy is having fun.

Soon nightfall arrives, and the team makes it to Chicago.

I've never been to Chicago, so I couldn't think of a Chicago-related joke to make here.
So instead, read this article.

Yankee is dropped off at a hotel where the Yankees always stay when they're playing the Cubs, and he finally manages to meet Babe Ruth (Brian Dennehy). Little does he know, however, that Lefty is there, too, and he manages to swipe Darlin' from behind his back. Fortunately, Screwy manages to save her... briefly. Then he swipes her again and manages to drive off with her. And when Yankee attempts to save her, he's grabbed and restrained by Napoleon. We also get a Superman reference, which I guess is obligatory since this was directed by Christopher Reeve.

Pictured: the face of a man who is clearly becoming more and more unhinged.

So now it's the last game of the World Series, and Babe Ruth still doesn't have his bat. Yankee now thinks that Babe doesn't need the bat - who, by the way, calls Napoleon an "angry little troll". I find that very funny - but he's not doing so good. And that makes Napoleon a very happy little troll.

This is making me uncomfortable...

As if Napoleon weren't being enough of a jerk, he then says that he shall feed Darlin' to beavers and tells Yankee that his parents have probably given up looking for him. Once as he leaves the room, Yankee bemoans the fact that he failed, but Screwy gives him a pep talk. "You know, when I landed in that sandlot, I thought, 'That's it. There's nothing left to do but rot.' But then YOU came along. And then, there was all this jumpin' on trains and the thing will the apples and playing ball with the Tigers. You made a believer out of me," he says. This inspires Yankee not to give up.

First, they use Screwie to break the window so they can escape. Then Yankee channels Tarzan and swings on a banner and lands in the middle of the stadium, where he's pursued by security. But, eventually, he manages to get Darlin' to Babe. Then Babe suggests letting Yankee bat for them. We get that cliched "everyone the character met before is hearing this on the radio" scene just as Yankee's parents arrive. Side note, Joe Torre voices the Yankees' manager.

Come on, Yankee! You can do it! Stick it to that fat little troll!

Yankee is understandably quite nervous, and manages to get two strikes. But seeing his parents in the stadium gives him the confidence to hit the ball on the third try and hit a home run. Everyone's happy... except Napoleon, of course. The Yankees win the World Series, Napoleon and Lefty are arrested, and Yankee is a hero. Thus ends what is one of the most expensive middle fingers to the Chicago Cubs ever made.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

It was... okay. Certainly not the worst animated movie I've ever seen (and not nearly as dumb as you'd expect a movie that has a talking baseball bat voiced by Whoopi Goldberg to be), but there isn't much to make this movie more than just a pleasant experience. The animation is just okay. The jokes are just okay. The characters are just okay, with the exception of Napoleon who I found really obnoxious (not one of Robin Williams' better animated characters). If you're a fan of the Yankees, or even baseball in general, I'd suggest watching it at least once. If you're a fan of the Cubs... or the Red Sox, I suppose... avoid it at all costs. If you don't give a crap about baseball and just want to watch an animated film, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to watch it, but there are much better animated films that you could check out. Of course, there are also much WORSE animated films out there, too - such as the NEXT movie that I'll be reviewing... but I don't want to give that away just yet...

Further Reading:

- Animated Antic's review of the film