Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Fish Police"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the show I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this show, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Pop quiz - when something animated is popular, what does it result in?

A) People trying to cash in on its success by making things that are very similar to it

B) People not giving a rat's tail

OR C) People becoming obsessed with clam chowder

For those of you who chose A... congratulations! You've read a lot of my blog! I really appreciate that.

Anyway, today's review is of something that, like Road Rovers and Jabberjaw, owes its existence to another cartoon. In this case, it's The Simpsons. That show was EXTREMELY popular in the early 1990s, and when channels like CBS and ABC saw how much money it was making FOX, they decided to have some cartoons made for THEM to air in prime-time. The shows didn't have to be similar to The Simpsons (the characters didn't even need to be yellow), they just had to be ANIMATED.

This is what led to the creation of Capitol Critters, Family Dog, and the show that we'll be looking at today...

Fish Police is actually based on a comic book created by Steve Moncuse. It was produced by Hanna-Barbera and premiered on CBS. Was it the next Simpsons as CBS had hoped it would be? To say it wasn't would be an understatement - only three episodes were aired of the six that were made! On top of that, Steve Moncuse admitted to disliking the series because it didn't have much in common with the comic book. It even wound up in the 2004 book What Were They Thinking? The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History (which also includes such programs as The Star Wars Holiday Special, The Flying Nun, and The Chevy Chase Show).

The show focuses on a fish named Inspector Gil (yes, a fish named "Gil". How original), voiced by John Ritter. He works for an underwater police department, solving various crimes and tangling with eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil sea creatures. Is the show really that bad? That's what we're here to find out!

We'll be watching the fifth episode of the show, "The Two Gils". Get out the tartar sauce and brace yourselves for a lot of ocean life puns, 'cause this is Fish Police.

The episode opens in Underwater New York City. Uh oh, an underwater version of New York City? The only other animated ANYTHING to have an underwater version of New York City is Shark Tale, and we all know how THAT movie turned out.

Another comparison to Shark Tale rears its ugly head with the show's the character designs. You have to be careful when anthropomorphizing fish - if you anthropomorphize them too much, they start to look less like fish and more like weird miscolored humans with fins. Case in point, the designs of the fish in this show. I don't like the way they turned the fins into "ears", it just looks WRONG for a fish to have ears. And why do they have FINGERS? Even Shark Tale didn't give their anthropomorphic fish fingers!

Anyhow, we see Inspector Gil buying a newspaper and then swimming into the diner that his girlfriend Pearl (Megan Mullally) works at. Is it some sort of rule that every animated anything that takes place underwater needs to have a character named "Pearl"? Finding Nemo has a Pearl, SpongeBob SquarePants has a Pearl... even the Little Mermaid TV series had a Pearl. Very odd...

Did you know that Megan Mullally was offered a role in Finding Nemo but wound up
being let go? Just think, she could've been the only voice actor here to go on to lend their
voice to a much better animated production starring fish.

Pearl tells Gil that her parents are visiting and she wants them to meet Gil. She also mentions that she'd LOVE it if he took them all to the Shell Shack. After all, they have a TALKING DOG.

Then we cut to... an underwater mafia. Boy, the Shark Tale comparisons are making themselves by this point. This mafia isn't run by a shark version of Robert De Niro, but rather by a squid named Biscotti Calamari (Hector Elizondo). The shark's name is Sharkster (again, very original name) and he's apparently voiced by Tim Curry but it doesn't sound anything like Tim Curry to me. And the fat guy in the tuxedo's name is Mussels Marinara, and he's voiced by Frank Welker. I also have no idea what kind of sea creature he's supposed to be.

He's the orange one in the back. Despite his name, he is clearly not a mussel.

They're interviewing this fish named Bill (also John Ritter) who just so happens to look similar to Gil. From my understanding (and the title of the episode), they want to have Bill steal Gil's identity so that he can have a mole on the police force. Bill doesn't sound much like Gil despite being voiced by the same guy, but if I know my "CHARACTER A impersonates CHARACTER B and despite how obvious it is that they're not CHARACTER B everybody falls for it" episodes, chances are that won't be a problem for them.

Fortunately, the shark isn't as human-like as the fish in this show, though I do
have to raise an eyebrow over its having hair.

Meanwhile, Gil heads back to his office to meet up with his secretary Goldie (Georgia Brown), Pearl's younger brother Tadpole (Charlie Schlatter), and undercover cop Detective Catfish (Robert Guillaume, who you might recall as the voice of Rafiki from The Lion King). They chat about Gil's meeting Pearl's parents, then Gil and Catfish are summoned to the office of their boss, Chief Abalone.

Chief Abalone is your stereotypical "gruff police chief who always seems to be in a bad mood" character that we've seen in a million other cartoon shows. Being voiced by Ed Asner is basically the one thing he has going for him.

I know I keep harping on the character designs, but... seriously, that's supposed to be
a fish?

"You two ever hear of the 1897 Trawlers?" Chief Abalone asks them. Indeed, Gil and Catfish have - they were the worst team in baseball history (make up your own joke here, I don't know much about today's baseball teams), so bad that they only made one baseball card. And that now very valuable baseball card is floating into Underwater New York City to be auctioned off. But until the auction, it'll be on display at Snapper Stadium, and Chief Abalone gives Gil and Catfish the job of guarding it and then transferring it to the bank. Gee, I sure hope that won't conflict with Gil's meeting Pearl's parents...

After writing this review, I came across an article discussing the show on The Avacado that pointed out Gil looks a bit like one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The author of the article theorized that this was intentional on CBS' part in an attempt at repeating that show's success as well as that of The Simpsons. I didn't notice that myself until I read that article, but, honestly, Gil DOES look sort of like a Ninja Turtle. Coincidence? I dunno, probably...

I can't think of a funny comment to make here that isn't related to how little any of these
three characters look like fish (I know you're probably getting tired of me complaining about
the character designs), so instead, here's a fish joke: why are fish so easy to weigh? Because
they have their own scales. Please laugh, I'm trying so hard.

As for Bill, his transformation into a Gil clone is almost complete - right after a trip to the plastic surgeon... oh, I'm sorry, should that actually be "plastic STURGEON"? I'm honestly surprised that the show didn't make that joke itself. Maybe they thought it was too obvious or something?

This is just like Muppets Most Wanted! Remember that movie? Remember how awful it was?

The next day, Gil is confused by the newspaper-seller guy asking why he needed another paper, and why the dry-cleaner gave his tie to somebody else. Gee, I'm sure the audience would be very interested in this mystery right now if it weren't for the fact that WE ALREADY SAW THE BAD GUYS PLOTTING TO HAVE SOMEBODY STEAL GIL'S IDENTITY.

Why did they even need to have the guy steal Gil's identity anyhow? Biscotti wants a mole on the police force, so why doesn't he just have some random fish, y'know, JOIN the police force? It doesn't have to be one of his goons, who the rest of the force would likely recognize. It could just be some random fish off the street like Bill supposedly was. Wouldn't that be a lot easier?

Things get even more confusing for Gil when he swims into Pearl's diner, only to be asked by her how many bowls of Corn Flakes he can eat in one day. Oh, and you see that crab sitting next to Inspector Gil? His name is Crabby. Boy, a fish named Gil, a shark named Sharkster, a crab named Crabby... the names in this show sure are creative, aren't they?

Maybe that newspaper will fill Gil in as to what's going on... that is, if the crab isn't too
SHELLFISH to share it. Get it? SHELLFISH? Nyuck nyuck nyuck...

Crabby (Buddy Hackett) rants that the whole ocean's gone crazy. "It says here," he claims, "Dat da Snappers' owner, George Steinfluke, is willin' to pay a fortune for dis 1897 Trawlers' baseball card!"

Okay, so for those of you who haven't already figured it out, Bill already paid Pearl's diner a visit and had himself some Corn Flakes. And here's something else you might find interesting: this show is about FISH.

Next, Biscotti tells Bill to go into the police station and bring him all the files they have about him. So he does, but Goldie spots him and demands to know what he's done with the real Gil. "You've never been in before 9:30!" she declares. But all he has to do is give her some lie of an answer and all suspicions go flying out the window. Catfish is completely fooled, too. Then the real Gil shows up, and when Catfish indicates that they already talked a few seconds ago, he becomes even MORE confused.

I'm no marine biologist, but I'm pretty sure that fish do not have belly buttons. Of course,
they also don't talk or wear clothes, so I guess it's stupid to bring it up...

Bill returns to Biscotti's limo empty-handed - instead of just a file, the police force has a whole file cabinet drawer on him. But he DOES know about Gil and Catfish's transferring that valuable baseball card to the bank. Hmmm...

We see Gil and Catfish delivering the card to the bank's security guard, who is a sea turtle voiced by Don Knotts...

And who also likes to watch Tom and Jerry cartoons, apparently...

...and he shows them the bank's new fancy security system, which includes a camera disguised as a can of creamed corn. Y'know, a can-cam. This is the closest the episode comes to being funny.

Meanwhile, Pearl, Tadpole and their parents have arrived at the Shell Shack. There are no talking dogs there, but there IS a fish version of Jessica Rabbit. I'm sure all the fish equivalent of furries that are watching this (what do you even call the fish equivalent of a furry? A scaly?) are pleased.

Yeesh, the Angelina Jolie fish in Shark Tale was bad enough.

Pearl tells her parents about what a great guy her boyfriend is... just before they spot him making the moves on the Jessica Rabbit fish. Must be spawning season in Underwater New York City. Tadpole swims over to get his attention, and he says that he'd LOVE to meet his girlfriend's folks. For those who haven't guessed by now, this is not Gil, it is Bill. And Biscotti, Sharkster, and Mussels are watching this all go down at a table nearby... what was their plan here? Have Bill impersonate Gil at the Shell Shack so that he could flirt with Jessica Rabbit fish? I know Jessica Rabbit fish is in league with them, but what exactly does this have to do with getting Biscotti information about the police force?

It's always so awkward when your family meets your boyfriend's family. Especially when
his family includes a mobster squid and a shark in an admittedly awesome suit.

Biscotti pulls Bill away with his tentacles, making him the only character in the episode to actually take advantage of their being an animal that lives in the ocean as opposed to a human being. Then Mussels tells Biscotti that the real Gil just swam in with a bouquet of flowers, and when Pearl sees him she starts giving him a hard time about how much of a tool he just acted like and throws him out of the Shell Shack. Gil swims around all night wondering what the heck is going on. He senses that there's something fishy about all this... hey, if the show's not going to make obvious fish puns, then there's no reason why I shouldn't. Maybe they actually did make that pun in another episode, I don't know.

When he shows up at work, he's summoned into Chief Abalone's office. Apparently the valuable baseball card was stolen. Gil insists that the bank's security system "had more cameras than a bus full of Japanese tourists", but Chief Abalone assures him that the cameras were on, and they caught exactly who the thief was - Bill, who everyone thinks is Gil.

Okay, wait. Biscotti's plan was to have Bill impersonate Gil, then frame Gil for a crime he didn't commit, and then continue to impersonate Gil as a member of the police force so he could have a mole? I know he's obviously trying to get the real Gil out of the way, but that just makes things more confusing - what, did he think the police force would throw Gil in prison and then release him from prison and re-hire him? And while I'm asking questions, how come the rest of the police force didn't arrest Bill on the spot when they know he (well, they think it's Gil, but that's because they think Bill is Gil and... eugh, my head hurts) was the one who stole the card? Why isn't Bill or Gil in jail right now?

Maybe they would've been better off just keeping it at Snapper Stadium...

Gil insists that the fish who swiped the card isn't him, but Chief Abalone isn't convinced. "I'm sorry, Gil, but I'm gonna have to place you under arrest," he says. So only now is Gil thrown in jail.

Fortunately, Tadpole and Catfish figure out that the card-stealing Gil isn't the real Gil. How? Well, the card-stealing Gil was left-handed, and the real Gil is not. And Tadpole remembered how Bill was acting around the Jessica Rabbit fish. Now all Gil has to do is find the card, and find the imposter. And finding the card won't be that hard - the Snappers are in town, and their owner is George Steinfluke, the richest baseball card collector in the ocean. So obviously the fake Gil is gonna try and sell the card to George.

Meanwhile, Mussels is telling Biscotti that Bill flew the coop - he cleared out of his hotel room that morning and took everything except the newspaper. "We've gotta find Bill before the police do!" Biscotti declares. "Otherwise he'll drag us into this!" And wouldn't you know it? The newspaper's front page article is about the Snappers being at the local stadium. Wow, if Bill wanted to double-cross Biscotti and make a run for it, maybe he shouldn't have left the newspaper in the hotel room. Bill's a moron.

The name of the stadium they're playing at is "the Fish Bowl". It sure took them a while
to do an obvious fish pun (which I'll admit I do think is kind of funny)...

Gil heads to the stadium in disguise as a souvenir vendor. Coincidentally, Bill is ALSO disguised as a vendor there. He's selling hot dogs (which makes me wonder what hot dogs are made of underwater... sea cows, maybe?). Before Gil can nab Bill, however, he's suddenly grabbed by Chief Abalone, who's also at the game. Fortunately, Chief Abalone also spots Bill about to sell the card to George Steinfluke, making him realize that there is indeed a second Gil swimming around Underwater New York City.

"I'm gonna make a Red Lobster entree out of you, punk!"

Gil and Bill have themselves a brawl, and nobody can tell which is the real Gil... except for Jessica Rabbit fish (she actually has a name, but y'know what, I'm just gonna call her "Jessica Rabbit fish"). She makes out with both of them multiple times. I don't know how that's supposed to prove which one is the real Gil. Maybe she just wanted an excuse to make out with them. Then Gil gets an idea - he tells Bill to show them some I.D., which prompts Bill to take out his wallet and show off his badge. And since Chief Abalone previously confiscated Gil's badge when placing him under arrest, that means Bill has been exposed.

Chief Abalone books Bill for everything he can think of, then Bill says that Biscotti made him do it. Biscotti and Sharkster claim innocence, and since there's no evidence against them they just get to swim off scott-free with no comeuppance. I guess they were saving Biscotti's being thrown behind bars for the series finale (too bad the show was cancelled before they could actually MAKE a series finale).

Also, is it just me, or does Biscotti look a lot like the animated version of the Mask?

He also kind of looks like the Grinch, now that I think about it...

Bill is thrown in jail, and Gil makes peace with Pearl. "Next time some two-bit fish comes into town wearing my face, I wanna make sure that someone can tell us apart," he tells her. The episode ends with Gil and Pearl making out.

On the bright side, this ISN'T the most embarrassing moment of Megan Mullally's career. This is because she was also in Monkeybone.

What's the Verdict?

Why didn't Fish Police become the next Simpsons? Well, that might stem from the fact that it's not a good show. It's not AWFUL, but it's still pretty weak.

Problem number one: if your episode's storylines can be done with humans, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN MAKING THE CHARACTERS SEA LIFE. Seriously, not once does the episode really take advantage of the fact that its main characters are fish. You could've made them all human and the show would be exactly the same.

Problem number two: unappealing character designs. As I've said before, the fish are all way, way too humanoid, and as a result they don't actually look like, y'know, fish. Even anthropomorphic ones. At best, they look like fish that were exposed to nuclear waste or something and got mutated. The other sea creatures (the shark, the squid, the crab, etc.) look fine, though.

On top of that, the episode is tremendously dull. The jokes aren't funny, the characters are uninteresting, it's hard to get engaged in the "mystery" that Gil needs to solve, and there's nothing here that we haven't already seen in other cartoons or cop shows. The voice actors all do their best with the material they've been given, but that's basically the only good thing about the episode.

I wouldn't recommend watching Fish Police. If you want to see a fun cartoon about ocean life, stick with SpongeBob SquarePants. But if you actually want to watch the show for yourself, you can find every episode on YouTube.

By the way, no, I've never read the original comic book series that this was based on (it was published years before I was born, that's probably why). I did notice something interesting on its Wikipedia page, though - apparently, there's hints in it that Gill (yes, "Gill" as opposed to "Gil" - they took away an "L" when they adapted it) was once a human. I don't know if there were any hints like this in the show, but that would explain why he looks more like a miscolored human with fins than a fish. Plus, it's kind of amusing to think that this is some sort of pseudo-sequel to The Incredible Mr. Limpet... which coincidentally enough ALSO had Don Knotts in it.