Let's Watch This - "Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers"

Let's talk a little about DisneyToon Studios. It had potential. It really did. It could've done great things, but instead it got pigeonholed into making direct-to-video sequels to Disney movies that weren't asking for them. And once THOSE came to an end, it were pretty much stuck doing the Planes and Tinker Bell movies before getting shut down.

But when it made a good movie, it made a good movie. It's the studio responsible for A Goofy Movie, for one thing. And in 2004, it gave us a certain movie called Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers.

This movie was apparently being developed for a while. At one point, Jose Carioca was one of the Musketeers. It was released in honor of Mickey Mouse's 75th birthday. Apparently, before this was released Disney was planning to celebrate that occasion with a film called The Search For Mickey Mouse. Let's talk a little about that: it would've been about Mickey getting kidnapped, so Minnie hires Basil of Baker Street from The Great Mouse Detective to find him. The movie would've focused on Minnie, Basil, Donald and Goofy searching the world for Mickey and encountering every animated character to ever appear in a Disney film. They weren't able to come up with a good script for the film, and they decided that a film where a bunch of different Disney characters show up every five seconds sounded too gimmicky. And, to be honest, I agree. It would be like having a sequel to Wreck-It Ralph suddenly turn into an advertisement for Disney's most popular franchises (such as, for example, the Disney Princesses, Star Wars, and Marvel). Wouldn't that be incredibly stupid?

Veteran Disney animator Floyd Norman, who worked on the film, said that, "In an era of warmed over sequels and prequels, this little movie was a breath of fresh air." He also said that the film was deserving of a theatrical release. And you know what? He's right. If The Jungle Book 2 was considered worthy of a theatrical release, then why not this?

And honestly, I think the fact that it was a direct-to-video release is the reason why this film tends to be overlooked. So today, I'm going to do my part in helping to make sure that people know this movie exists by (what else?) doing a review of it. Let's dive in, shall we?

We start off... uh, behind the scenes of the film, I guess? A turtle (voiced by Rob Paulsen) is sitting in a chair reading a comic book. He tells the narrator of the film that he promised to include some of his songs, but the narrator just whacks him over the head with his lute. Fortunately, he gets his comeuppance via a convenient trapdoor, and SOMEBODY has to be the narrator, so the turtle steps in. "Today," he tells us, "I will tell you the story of... the Three Musketeers!"

Boy, this Masterpiece Theater reboot isn't at all what I expected it to be...

Our story begins in the gutter, where street urchins Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy - plus their dog Pluto - struggle to survive. Suddenly, they're attacked by scoundrels, but the Royal Musketeers show up and save them. Afterwards, one of the Musketeers gives Mickey a gift: his very own Musketeers hat. From that day on, Mickey, Donald and Goofy dream of being Musketeers.

"Disney Babies, we make our dreams come true..."

But before that dream can come true, our three heroes must learn the real meaning of the Musketeer Creed - "All for one and one for all." And the turtle (his name is the Troubadour, by the way) just so happens to have a song about that.

Quick question - why are all of the Musketeers Goofy clones?

This leads to our first musical number, "All For One and One For All", performed by the Troubador and the Musketeers. Nearby, Mickey (Wayne Allwine), Donald (Tony Anselmo) and Goofy (Bill Farmer) are watching the Musketeers. Mickey says that they'll be part of that someday, but for now, they're janitors. Goofy and Donald say that Musketeers need guys that are clever and brave like them. WACKY SHENANIGANS promptly ensue, and eventually Captain Pete (Jim Cummings) winds up landing in the room in his bathtub. Don't you just hate it when your bathtub suddenly falls through the floor?

Pete chew them out for being incompetent as janitors, but Mickey says that they were just practicing so that they could be Musketeers. Pete, after laughing incredibly hard for a few seconds, tells them that they will be Musketeers the day that warthogs learn how to fly a plane. According to him, there are three reasons why they would make lousy Musketeers - Donald's a coward, Goofy's a doofus, and Mickey is too small.

Meanwhile, Princess Minnie Mouse (Russi Taylor) is sitting on her throne swooning about how someday she shall find her one true love. We never see a king or queen, which makes one wonder why Minnie is just a princess as opposed to a queen (other then the whole "queens = evil, princesses = good" mindset that animation studios had at the time). Her lady-in-waiting, Daisy Duck (Tress MacNeille) tells her that a lady of her stature must be courted by a gentleman of royal blood. Even though that doesn't always work out - I mean, hasn't she seen Aladdin?

Minnie, like Jasmine before her, is all "I want to marry for love!" and Daisy's all "But how will you know who your true love is?!" Minnie's all, "I'll know."

This is the cue for the Troubadour to sing a song about love, channeling Pepe Le Pew. However, she doesn't know that Pete's three henchmen, the Beagle Boys (Maurice LaMarche and Jeff Bennett), are preparing to drop a safe on her. Their calculations are off, of course, so their plan fails.

How is this screencap not a meme yet?

Pete is furious - he told them to keep Minnie safe, not drop a safe on her. You see, Pete's plan is to kidnap the princess by the time of the opera tomorrow night.

Ah yes, and whenever Pete mentions the opera, it randomly cuts to a poster of the opera accompanied by singing. It's a great running gag.

So anyhow, Pete plans on kidnapping the princess so that he can become king (which again makes me question where the actual king and queen are). He has his Lieutenant, Clarabelle Cow (April Winchell) send the Beagle Boys down a trapdoor, then gets summoned by Minnie to the palace.

Minnie tells him that she wants Musketeer bodyguards - and in ten minutes. Pete knows that having any of the ACTUAL Musketeers, all of whom are extremely competent, would ruin his plans, so he comes up with an idea.

STEP 1) Make Mickey, Donald and Goofy, who are incompetent, Musketeers
STEP 2) Make them Minnie's bodyguards
STEP 3) Kidnap Minnie (since Mickey, Donald and Goofy are incompetent and probably won't be able to save her)
STEP 4) Become king
STEP 5) I dunno, profit?

Meanwhile, Mickey tells Donald and Goofy that someday they shall prove to Pete that they're fit to be Musketeers. This is Pete's cue to barge in and announce that he's going to make the three of them Musketeers, much to their thrill.

"Hey, Mickey, is it weird that we're the only two Musketeers who aren't dogs?"
"Nah, don't worry about it, Donald..."

Once at the palace, as Pete is "schmoozing" the princess (as he puts it), Mickey tells Donald and Goofy A) that they have to make a good first impression and B) to stay alert because the place could be crawling with villains. Goofy is promptly frightened by a suit of armor, assumes that it's a bad guy, and attacks it.

To be fair, suits of armor ALWAYS come to life and attack people in movies,
so I don't really blame Goofy for being nervous.

After a big speech about how he found these guys and just KNEW that they'd be great Musketeers, Pete introduces Minnie to her bodyguards. Of course, you can see where this is going - Minnie sees Mickey and the two fall in love, complete with a fantasy sequence accompanied by the same music that you ALWAYS hear in a cartoon whenever somebody falls in love.

The fantasy is interrupted by Daisy announcing that it's time to cut the cheese (no, really. She actually says that). Because on the plate that Daisy's holding there's a knife, our heroes assume that she's a bad guy and attack her. Minnie tells them to knock it off.

AAAAAAAAAAND now I'm imagining what the movie would be like
if Daisy was secretly working with Pete.

Pete is thrilled that his plan is off to a good start, which means that it's time for his villain song. This song is called "Petey's King of France", and it's in my opinion the best song in the movie. Mainly because it's performed by Jim Cummings.

After the musical number, Pete tells the Beagle Boys that it's time to put Step 2 of his plan into motion - kidnapping the princess and FAST, since the opera is tomorrow night (cut to the poster and the fanfare). Specifically, he tells them to grab her and lock her in a tower where no one will ever be able to find her (hey, it worked in Tangled).

At the moment, Mickey, Donald and Goofy are protecting Minnie as she and Daisy go for a carriage ride through the country. Minnie is blabbering on about how she's in love with Mickey, but Daisy points out that he's (GASP!) a commoner. "A forbidden love! How romantic..." Minnie swoons.

It's around this time that the Beagle Boys strike. Donald hides in the carriage while Mickey and one of them engage in a little swordfighting, resulting in a funny gag where the Beagle Boy slices off all of Mickey's clothes, leaving him in nothing but his iconic red shorts.

And then he makes that iconic pose of his. You know the one.

The Beagle Boys are able to get rid of Mickey, Donald and Goofy and ride off with Minnie and Daisy. Mickey's all "I DON'T THINK SO!" and gives Donald and Goofy a pep talk before the three run off to save the princess.

Oh my god, the tower that the Beagle Boys hide Minnie and Daisy in even LOOKS LIKE the one from Tangled.

I mean, it's a different color and all, but still...

Goofy attempts to break down the door, resulting in WACKY SHENANIGANS. The Beagle Boys throw Minnie and Daisy into a cage and decide to have a little fun with the Musketeers.

Ah yes, and did I mention the film's OTHER running gag involving Donald shapeshifting into a chicken?

Good thing the Great Gonzo isn't around...

Fortunately, Goofy comes up with a plan that takes out the Beagle Boys and frees Minnie and Daisy. The Troubadour sings another song about love. Kind of redundant since we already had a song about love, but eh, I'll allow it. Mainly because Rob Paulsen is a great singer.

Pete is enraged - Mickey, Donald and Goofy are more competent than he thought they would be. He decides that in order to get rid of the princess, he'll have to pick her musketeers off one by one.

In his spare time, Donald carves topiaries for the Disney Parks.
You've probably seen his handiwork during EPCOT's Flower and Garden Festival.

First, he has Clarabelle lure Goofy into a trap via a shadow puppet of Mickey (Clarabelle's Mickey impression is awful, by the way). Then the Beagle Boys attempt to scare Donald off with Pete masks, but that doesn't work, so they get out a bunch of weapons. It works - Donald makes a run for it, but they capture him and bring him to Pete, who attempts to SLICE DONALD'S HEAD OFF. You know, for kids!

Fortunately, Donald is able to escape. He finds Mickey and Pluto (Bill Farmer) and fills them in as to what's going on. Regardless, Mickey says, "Lie or no lie, Musketeers don't run from danger! And as long as we wear these uniforms, neither do WE!" Donald responds by taking off his uniform, donning his iconic sailor suit, and making a run for it. Mickey tries to encourage him to be brave, but Donald is too scared and dashes off.

Then Pete shows up and clobbers Mickey, taking him to a dungeon which he plans to fill with water. Mickey insists after Pete chains him to the wall that his pals will rescue him, only for Pete to point out that Donald ran off... and inform Mickey that he and his henchmen have already captured Goofy. As he climbs the ladder out of the dungeon, Pete bellows, "I got me tickets to the opera. A little something called... I Just Can't Wait to be King!"

Clarabelle, meanwhile, is preparing to throw Goofy off a bridge and into the river. This doesn't phase Goofy, who is currently falling head over heels for the cow. Thus begins another song in which Goofy expresses his love for Clarabelle, who insists that Goofy will not change her mind one smidge. Regardless, Clarabelle winds up doing a Heel Face Turn and falls for Goofy. After the song, Clarabelle tells Goofy that Mickey is in danger... just as the bridge gives way and they end up landing in a boat that Donald is rowing. Pluto leads Goofy, who's holding Donald, to the dungeon where Mickey is, but Donald is still too scared and hides, only for the Troubadour to sing a song about how Donald is a coward and a traitor and someone to be hated. Eventually Donald snaps, destroys the lute, and tells the Troubadour that he'll show him before running off to join Goofy and Pluto in the rescue mission.

Donald and Goofy are able to save Mickey just in time. Mickey doesn't think they can save the day, but Goofy gives him a pep talk, and then they ride off to the opera. Speaking of which, Minnie and Daisy are just arriving at the opera... where they're grabbed and stuffed into a sack by Pete. Pete's plan is to have one of the Beagle Boys dress up as Minnie and declare that Pete is the king. Say, didn't Ratigan do something similar?

Eh, I'd still rather have Pete as my king than Donald Trump as my president.

Fortunately, Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up and battle the Beagle Boys... on stage, while the opera is going on. Jess Harnell makes a cameo as the voice of a Porky-esque pig who sings "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".

The very model of a modern major general.

Pete decides to get involved, and the battle culminates in a swordfight between Mickey and Pete. Just when it seems like Pete's about to defeat Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up to help. "How's THIS for a coward?!" Donald demands before poking Pete in the eyes. "How's THIS for a doofus?!" Goofy snaps before ramming Pete in the gut. "And I may be small, Pete..." Mickey admits, "But I have friends that make me ten feet tall!"

Pete is taken down. The audience cheers. Mickey and Minnie hook up. Clarabelle appears out of nowhere and hooks up with Goofy. Daisy makes out with Donald. The film ends with Mickey, Donald and Goofy being made royal Musketeers and the Troubadour leading everyone in a quick reprise of "All For One and One For All".

Look at the other musketeers in the background... I just can't get over the fact that
they all look like Goofy. Tell me, is their battle cry "A-HYUCK!"
or "YAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!"?

While there isn't anything groundbreaking about this adaptation of The Three Musketeers, as far as direct-to-video Disney movies go it's one of the better ones. Decent animation, great voice acting, genuinely funny jokes, good songs (even if they're all public domain tunes set to lyrics)... I see no reason why this film didn't deserve a theatrical release. I highly recommend giving it a watch.

That said, hopefully Mickey, Donald and Goofy will get a theatrical release someday (stuff like the Fantasia movies and Fun and Fancy Free notwithstanding). Preferably one that's hand-drawn.