Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa"

Remember how back in my review of Road Rovers, I said that I would review a cartoon called Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, guess what we're reviewing today!

Soooooooooo, what IS Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, the show was created by comic book writer and artist Ryan Brown, who's best known for his work on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics. It premiered on ABC in 1992 and ran for two seasons, each one consisting of twenty-six episode. Then for a while, reruns aired on Toon Disney. What's the show about? Well, here's a picture of our main characters:

They're cows. They're anthropomorphic cows. They're dressed like cowboys. There you go. It's a show about anthropomorphic cows that are cowboys.

Okay, so there's more to the show than that. As the theme song explains, a comet - I mean, a "cow-met" - landed in the Southwestern United States, and everything on the mesa that it created was "cow-metized" by the light and evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - in other words, now they can walk around on their hind legs, they can talk, they wear clothes, they presumably can also solve complex math problems, stuff like that. And they decided to create a city called "Moo Mesa" and act like humans did in the old west. There. Now you're all caught up.

But is the show any good? I don't know, I've never watched a single episode until now. So we'll be watching an episode of the show today.

That episode is known as "Dances With Bulls". How can anybody dance with bulls? They've got two left feet!









I know, I know, but I just couldn't resist.

There's a swingin' party goin' on down at the local saloon. Four sheep who look like rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronics are playing music on the stage, Mayor Bulloney is excited because he's just been re-elected, and the buffet is all-you-can-eat (for just two bits).

This is Mayor Bulloney. Is it just me, or does he look less like a bull and more like
a purple rabbit with horns?

However, the townsfolk ain't happy - the mayor has taken a page from Prince John's book and taxed them 'til they didn't have any more money. The mayor insists that the money he took from them is going to help the poor and needy and blah-blah-blah, but that's a load of bullcrap (get it?). In the backroom, we see three shady-lookin' fellas counting the money. There's a big red bull (voiced by Joe Piscopo), a buzzard in a nice suit and a top hat, and a giant scorpion. And the red bull's name is - get ready for this - Sheriff Terrorbull. I think even Fozzie Bear would find that pun awful.

"It sure was nice of the mayor to give us all the money he taxed out of the townsfolk
just for the heck of it!"

And because it's a cartoon, the buzzard (voiced by Danny Mann) looks more like a vulture than a buzzard. This is what a buzzard looks like:

Now, here's the buzzard in this show plus some more cartoon buzzards:

Do all animators just think that buzzards and vultures are the same thing or something?

The giant scorpion is in my opinion the best of the three shady-lookin' fellas. Why? Because he's voiced by Jim Cummings. Obviously.

I also like his design. He kinda reminds me of Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets.

A female cow named Lily (Charity James) - who looks more like a human being with some cow features than an actual cow - is greeted outside the saloon by Marshall Moo Montana (Patrick Fraley) atop his non-anthropomorphic horse, which is weird considering that one of the townsfolk we've seen thus far was an anthropomorphic horse (or maybe it was a donkey or a mule, but still). Isn't that kind of weird? Why are there both anthropomorphic and non-anthropomorphic horses? Are there also non-anthropomorphic cows, too?

Marshall's not heading inside the saloon because he just heard about some cattle rustlers a-rustlin' nearby. But he does give Lily a burlap hat as a birthday present. She thinks it's hideous, but like she says, it's the thought that counts.

Inside the saloon, another female cow named Cowlamity Kate (Kay Lenz) - which is an even LOUSIER pun - tries to improve the hat by adding Lily's grandmother's brooch to it. She, too, looks less like a cow and more like a human being with a cow's face.

In fact, she kind of looks like Francine from Arthur...

But then the party is interrupted by... Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland and his brothers!

Look at the expression that the one on the left has right now. That's an
"I'm an idiot" expression right there.

Actually, these guys I guess are supposed to be Gila Monsters (despite the fact that they don't look anything like actual Gila Monsters), seeing as a pig who looks like Porky in cowboy garb calls them the "Gila Hooligans". They're the kind of bandits who'll demand that you hand over your stuff to them, but do it in a polite fashion. And the leader has a Shere Khan-esque voice that I believe is ALSO provided by Jim Cummings, but I could be wrong.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaage!" the mayor complains. The Gila Monsters steal Lily's brooch - and her hat - then apologize to the mayor for any inconvenience that they've caused. The three shady fellas from before - you know, Terrorbull, the buzzard and the giant scorpion - emerge from the backroom and try to fight the Gila Monsters, but they don't have much luck.

The Gila Monsters leave, and the townsfolk run out after them. The mayor isn't going to let those reptiles walk off with the money that HE stole from the townsfolk and therefore is legally his. "There's only one bull in Cowtown who can return my cash and bring those desperados to justice!" he says. "I need the strongest, the bravest, the most trustworthy bull alive!" That bull is Marshall Moo Montana. Terrorbull is all, "But I can catch those lizards no problem!" but the mayor's all "I want this job done RIGHT. Get me Marshall Moo Montana!"

We then cut to the three titular C.O.W.-Boys overlooking the desert. "If I know anything about gilas, it's that they're shady characters who like the heat!" Marshall Moo Montana says. Dakota, who's ALSO voiced by Jim Cummings (which automatically makes him awesome), goes "Yup."

"Quick-Draw McGraw can suck it. I'M the best anthropomorphic farm animal
cowboy in all of animation!"
(I'm just joking, of course. Quick-Draw rules)

"So what's the plan, Marshall?" Tenderfoot (Jeff Bennett) asks. "I'll search north. You and Dakota ride east," Marshall Moo Montana replies. They'll meet up at the Dry Heat Well. So they ride off, but little do they know that they're being WATCHED!

Specifically, they're being watched by the Terrorbull, the buzzard and the scorpion of unusual size. Terrorbull tells the buzzard and the scorpion to follow Dakota and Tenderfoot. "If Montana thinks he's gonna humiliate me by catching those hooligans first," he growls, "He's got another thing coming!"

We then cut to the Gila Monsters just chillin' in the middle of the desert. Both Montana and Terrorbull are watching them from behind rocks. Oh yeah, and one of the Gila Monsters sounds like Wakko Warner. I don't know if it's Jess Harnell or not, just thought I would point that out...

Montana emerges from behind the rock with his gun in the air, and he's all "You're gonna be behind bars!" Then Terrorbull is all, "NOT SO FAST, MONTANA! I'M gonna bring these guys to justice!" But the Gila Monsters are able to outwit them, tie them up, and leave them in the middle of the desert where they'll be roasted by the scorching heat. And then it's off to McDonald's with them!

Terrorbull blames Montana for the mess that they've gotten themselves in. However, Montana points out that he punctured a hole in one of the Gila Monsters' saddlebags, and as a result coins and jewels have spilled out. They'll use those coins and jewels to find the Gila Monsters. Terrorbull has other ideas, though - he tries to make a boulder fall on top of them in the hopes that it'll free them, but the boulder misses - which is for the best, in my opinion, because I think that had it fallen on them the result wouldn't have been two freed cows but rather two squashed cows. Hasn't the red bull seen any Wile E. Coyote cartoons?

Montana insists that they've gotta work together - and he's got a plan. Terrorbull's all "NO WAY!", but then he sees non-anthropomorphic buzzards circling overhead (bringing us back to the whole "there are anthropomorphic horses AND non-anthropomorphic horses? Isn't that weird?" thing from before) and he changes his mind. The plan, as it turns out, involves them dancing. Don't ask.

"This is, without a doubt, THE strangest date that I have ever been on."

I'm just now realizing that this is why the episode is called "Dances With Bulls".

Then we cut to Tenderfoot playing a guitar and singing about how the sun is too dang hot. He and Dakota are concerned because Montana still hasn't shown up. Tenderfoot asks to climb onto Dakota's shoulders so he can get a closer look, but instead Dakota lifts him up by one of his horns. As a result, Tenderfoot spots Montana and Terrorbull rehearsing for Dancing With the Steers (get it? It's like Dancing With the Stars, but it's... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny) - and there are storm clouds arriving in the area! So they hop aboard their horses and ride off to help Montana.

Meanwhile, Montana and Terrorbull are sweltering in the heat. Then we hear Jim Cummings singing about the situation. Why, I don't know, but I'm not going to complain that we get to hear Jim Cummings sing. It's a well-known fact that if something has Jim Cummings singing in it, it's automatically a hundred times better.

Anyway, Terrorbull starts hallucinating. He sees a cactus as a fountain (which results in the predictable "ha ha, he just sat on a cactus" gag) and a signpost as a giant ice pop (and promptly gets splinters in his tongue. OUCH!).

"Duh, giant ice pop!"

Then we see what the buzzard and the giant scorpion are up to. There's a twister headin' their way. However, the scorpion isn't afraid of any stupid twister - he's more concerned about what Terrorbull will do to them if they don't catch those C.O.W.-Boys. Guess he's never seen The Wizard of Ox (get it? It's like The Wizard of Oz but... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny either)...

Then we cut back to the saloon. The mayor's ticked-off that Montana hasn't returned with the money, but Lily insists that he'll be back.

Back to Montana and his dance partner. They see the twister coming their way and Montana comes up with a plan that just winds up causing them to fall into the river. Fortunately, Tenderfoot and Dakota overhear them and Dakota's able to get them out.

And now, here's a screencap of Dakota for no other reason than because we haven't had one yet:

I think he's my favorite character in the cartoon.

Then Montana and Terrorbull spot the Gila Monsters robbing a stagecoach. After the horse helps Montana get his gun, he and Terrorbull try to stop the Gila Monsters, only for the leader to point out that it's three against one. Well, actually, it's three against two, but then again, Terrorbull doesn't have a gun, so maybe they're not counting him?

Montana uses his gun to help him and Terrorbull get free. Now it really IS three against two... no, make that three against FOUR, as Tenderfoot and Dakota show up. And then the buzzard and the giant scorpion show up too, so it's three against SIX! And the leader of the Gila Monsters makes this pose that reminds me of Marvin the Martian.

"You're making me VERY angry... very, VERY angry..."

Long story short, they defeat the Gila Monsters. Dakota continues to be awesome. The townsfolk get their money back, which ticks off the mayor because he thinks that money is HIS. Terrorbull does this:

"Y U MAD, MAYOR?"

Lily gets her brooch - and her hat - back. Everyone's happy. Well, except the Gila Monsters, presumably. The end.

So, that was Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It was alright. Not great, but alright. The characters are all tolerable enough, though I'm kind of miffed that Tenderfoot and Dakota didn't get more to do. Especially Dakota. He's awesome. The voice actors all do a good job, with Jim Cummings per usual stealing the show. I don't really have any complaints, I just found the show just okay.

Before we end this review, I suppose I'd better make this obvious but pretty much mandatory (since it's about cows) joke:

It needed more cowbell.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Mighty Max"

In 1993, animation was more popular than ever. It was this year that gave us such beloved shows as Animaniacs, Bonkers, 2 Stupid Dogs, Beavis and Butt-Head, The Animals of Farthing Wood, Rocko's Modern Life, and TWO Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons. It was also this year that the first Veggietales video was released. And in theaters, we saw the release of The Nightmare Before Christmas, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm... which was a box office bomb, admittedly... but hey, we also got, uh... what other animated movies were released in 1993?

Uh, okay... anything else?

Well, okay, maybe 1993 wasn't such a great year for animated MOVIES*, but it was a fantastic year for animated TV SHOWS. And today, we're gonna take a look at a cartoon from 1993 that is fondly remembered but didn't become a huge hit: Mighty Max.

What's the premise? Well, apparently, this kid named Max gets a small statue of a bird one day in the mail. It's inscribed with Egyptian hieroglyphs that translates to, essentially, "Congratulations, kid. You're the Chosen One. Go to the mini-mall and wait for a sign." Max is so shocked that he drops the statue, and inside as it turns out was a magic baseball cap that allows Max to travel through space and time. Long story short, he winds up meeting a magic fowl named Virgil and a viking named Norman. They travel around the world being awesome and defending the Earth from an evil dude named Skullmaster. The show features the talents of Corey Burton, Tim Curry, Tony Jay, Tress MacNeille, Frank Welker, and Rob Paulsen as the voice of Mighty Max himself.

Why didn't this show become a bigger hit? I honestly have no idea. I mean, it doesn't even have a DVD release (yet, anyway). Apparently, the merchandise was more popular than the show itself. Let's watch an episode of this show so we can figure out why it didn't become as successful as some other 1993 cartoons.

The episode that we'll be watching is called "Tar Wars". You know, just like that gag in the movie adaptation of The Flintstones? When they're entering the drive-in at the beginning and there's a poster reading "Now Showing: TAR WARS" outside? And in the Nostalgia Critic's review of it, he complains that he wants to watch "Tar Wars" instead? Remember that?

Well, anyway, here's the episode...

The episode begins at the La Brea Tar Pits, a place that I have never been to because I don't live in California or anywhere even remotely close to California. Right next to it is a construction site where they're building a subway.

No, no, the underground train type of subway, not the sandwich shop type of subway.

Apparently, they're building the subway so that it'll go under the La Brea Tar Pits, despite the fact that as one of the construction guys points out no way anything's gonna break through a million years of tar and solid granite. Of course, immediately after the guy says that, something does indeed break through the tar and solid granite - this thing!

"Like, zoinks, Scoob! It's Bigfoot!"

Cut to Max in Hollywood. Like I said before, Max is voiced by Rob Paulsen. And while I love Rob Paulsen as much as the next guy, I will admit, I find it kind of weird that this character who's supposed to be a kid has the exact same voice - or at least a very similar voice - that Rob gave Raphael, a TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtle. It's not as bad as, I dunno, when DreamWorks cast Rihanna as a little girl... or when they cast Kevin Hart as a kid... or when Disney cast Sarah Silverman as a little girl... but it's still kind of off-putting. Did they TELL Rob not to sound younger or something?

Anyhow, Max is talking to his mom (Tress MacNeille) on the phone. She wants him to meet her at the museum where I guess she works. But first, he sees Clint Eastwood... only to find out that it's just a cardboard cutout of him.

Or rather, a cardboard cutout of a crappy caricature of him...

Oh, wait, but it turns out one of them ISN'T a cardboard cutout! It's the real deal! But I'm not sure which celebrity it's supposed to be... Max does an Arnold Schwartzenegger impression as he leaves, so I'm GUESSING it's Arnold Schwartzenegger, but I could be wrong.

"Well, might as well go save the world. Probably aren't any movie stars around here anyway," Max says. So he uses his hat to teleport to the La Brea Tar Pits, and almost falls in one only to get saved by Norman (Richard Moll). Virgil (Tony Jay) is there too, and he tells Max that "Danger is near." Max asks in a stupid accent what it is this time that they have to fight, then after some construction guys run out of a large pipe screaming about how there's a monster or a demon or a beast or something starts boasting about how he shall face evil and battle the unknown and blah-blah-blah.

Then Max's mom shows up. "Of all the tar pits of all the cities in the world, she has to walk into MINE," Max quips. It's a reference to Casablanca. Because... that's a movie that exists, right?

Quick question - if Norman's supposed to be a viking, why doesn't he have a
viking helmet? You've gotta dress for the part, Norman!

They all go into the pipe and find a large hole that the whatever-it-is that came out of the tar and granite emerged from. And inside that hole is a cavern.

Shouldn't there be a Fraggle around here somewhere?

"I don't think any movie stars live in this part of town," Max says as they all explore the cavern. Max's mom asks what it is that they're looking for. Virgil says that he doesn't know, but he's sure that they'll recognize it when they find it. They find some cave paintings which Max's mom identifies from being from the Mesesoic Era. Then they find a big ribcage and Max says, "Maybe whoever lived down here ran a rib joint!"

Why is it that every line Max has is so cringe-worthy? Seriously, I should like this character... I mean, he's voiced by Rob Paulsen! But so far, I just find him annoying.

By the way, the mom is lagging behind, and she winds up encountering the whatever-it-is. The others hear her yelling and rush to the rescue.

Here's a screencap of Virgil. In my opinion, he's the best character on the show.

They find the mom, and then the whatever-it-is jumps out at Max.

There's something about this screencap that's making me uncomfortable...

"If I'm not mistaken, and I rarely am, he is neanderthal, a living specimen of human history," Virgil says. Norman decides to battle the neanderthal (voiced by Ron Perlman), and they have themselves a little brawl... and by that, I mean Norman gets his rear end handed to him.

"BAMM-BAMM! BAMM-BAMM! BAMM-BAMM!"

Virgil comments, "He appears to have superhuman strength. Perhaps Norman is in over his head." Normally I would say "No, ya THINK?", but I'm not gonna do that. Virgil is just too awesome.

But then the Neanderthal saves Max's mom from a falling boulder. Turns out he's not a monster, just misunderstood. He offers Max dinner, but Max says that he's "trying to cut down on million-year-old mammoth meat."

Dang it, now I want one of those Turkey Legs that they sell at Disney World...

"We must communicate with this caveman to learn what is happening here!" Virgil the Bird of Awesomeness says. Max then asks the caveman NOT what is happening here but rather what Betty Rubble does to keep her shapely figure. Fortunately, Virgil can communicate with the caveman. He's just that awesome. Oh, and the caveman's name is Gorr. I think. I could've spelled it wrong. Max, of course, makes ANOTHER reference to The Flintstones by calling him "Fred".

Max's mom points out the cave paintings. "They seem to tell a story," she says. "Perhaps this is the clue we've been searching for," Virgil suggests. And because he's awesome, he manages to translate the cave paintings for the audience - a million years ago, a strange meteor landed in the tar pits, and it gave Gorr immortality and incredible strength.

But the meteor gave these same powers to something else... specifically, a saber-toothed tiger that presumably just so happened to be nearby. And guess what emerges from the darkness?

Here we see some high school's mascot showing off how much cooler it is than
OTHER high schools' mascots.

Gorr and the saber-toothed tiger start going at it. Norman helps out, too, but eventually they all decide that the tiger is unstoppable and make a run for it. Eventually, Max gets an idea - once they're outside, they find a giant rock and use it to block the entrance to the pipe before the tiger can follow them out. Too bad the tiger just breaks through the rock as though he's the Kool-Aid Man or something. D'oh.

The tiger runs off towards the city, and Virgil points out that they must stop it before it... I don't know, eats Brad Pitt or something. They won't be able to run as fast as him, so they hail a taxi. I like how the taxi driver isn't at all freaked-out that there's a caveman and a saber-toothed tiger in modern times. Maybe he thought Gorr was just some guy in a costume or something?

The taxi driver's voiced by Rob Paulsen too, by the way. He also voices one of
the construction workers at the beginning.

Eventually, Gorr decides to just chase the saber-toothed tiger on foot. Then we cut to... this.

Are these guys supposed to be caricatures too?

Anyhow, they follow the tiger to a hotel. Gorr battles with it some more, Max makes a reference to Guns 'n' Roses, the tiger climbs a curtain and jumps on a chandelier, which promptly falls to the ground (why do chandeliers in cartoons always fall to the ground?), and eventually the tiger runs off, Gnorr in hot pursuit, to an amusement park called "Galaxy World". Virgil suggests that maybe the park is the tiger's old hunting ground.

They go on this attraction called "Pigzilla", starring what appears to be a cross between a wild boar and a dinosaur... and a dragon, considering it has fire breath. In Galaxy World, the pork roasts YOU!

"I'M guh-geh-eh-guh-geh-GOING TO DESTROY YOUR CITY, puh-peh-eh-puh-
peh-PUNY HUMANS! Eh-buh-dee-eh-buh-dee-eh-buh-dee-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!"

Max refers to the tiger as "Tony the Tiger", which makes me hungry for Frosted Flakes. Then the tiger pounces from the top of Pigzilla's head and we get more tiger-battling. Eventually, Max runs into Gorr, who whacks the tiger with his club... into C-3PO and R2D2. I'm not kidding. C-3PO and R2D2 show up!

Well, okay, it's not ACTUALLY THEM... it's just a pair of robots that look very
much like C-3PO and R2D2. But come on, no way is that a coincidence. This HAS
to be a reference to Star Wars.

The tiger gets distracted by a projected comet, and while flash photos are being taken it runs off. Max is all "We've gotta find him!" and then Virgil points out that even if they do, how will they stop him? It's pretty much invulnerable! But Max has a plan...

We're back at the La Brea Tar Pits. Max uses a construction vehicle called a "loader" (the one with the big shovel at the front of it) to dig that meteor that caused this whole mess out of the tar. It attracts the tiger, and then... get ready for this... a bunch of mammoth skeletons emerge from the tar. Max breaks something in the loader and that causes the meteor to fall back into the tar. And that causes the mammoth skeletons to fall apart and slide back into the tar - Max's plan has been, to put it bluntly, an epic fail.

Gorr saves Max from being saber-toothed tiger food, and he and the tiger fall into the tar pit. "He was probably the world's first superhero..." Max says. Virgil agrees, but tells Max that Gorr lives on, protecting the world from the unstoppable saber-toothed tiger. "And I thought I had a tough job," Max says.

Then we cut to Max sitting in a chair by the pool talking to somebody named "Felix" on the phone. Really? That's it? That's how it ends? With Max still complaining about his not seeing any movie stars? Really?

Okay, that actually isn't how it ends... we then get Max telling us that the La Brea Tar Pits actually DO exist, they're the result of crude oil making it to the surface or something like that. A bunch of fossils have been uncovered there, including those of a saber-toothed tiger. Max then jokes that if only braces had been invented back then, nyuck nyuck nyuck. The end.

Well, that was... okay. The jokes weren't funny, but that's my only real complaint... well, that and the episode did drag a little. Just when you think they're finally gonna defeat that tiger, it turns out - nope, we've gotta keep the episode going for a few minutes longer. Also, the ending sucked. And Max is annoying. But hey, it had Virgil. He's awesome. Though he's an owl in a robe with the voice of Frollo, so I guess that's to be expected. Would I recommend watching it? Uh, maybe... if you like action cartoons, I guess.

Let it go, random dinosaur. Let it go...

* Once Upon a Forest, for what it's worth, really isn't that bad of a movie. But it WAS a flop (though that's mainly because it was released around the same time as Jurassic Park), so...