Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Fish Hooks"

Pop quiz: what do the folks that run Disney Channel love? The answer is SHOWS THAT TAKE PLACE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Ever since the way beginning of the 2000s, Disney Channel's programming has been at least ninety-two percent shows that take place in high school or star kids that go to high school. I think the only tweencom of theirs that DIDN'T focus on some kid in high school was The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (I could be wrong, it's been years since I've watched that show). And most of the cartoons that they showed focused on kids in high school, too. Let's see... The Emperor's New School had Kuzco going to a high school, I'm pretty sure Jake Long went to a high school, Kim Possible is a high school student... it's actually kind of incredible that they were willing to greenlight a show that A) starred kids who were obviously not in high school yet and B) took place over summer vacation which means that they couldn't show the school that they went to at all (Phineas and Ferb).

Which brings us to today's cartoon, Fish Hooks.

Fish Hook revolves around one main joke - they're fish. In high school. That's pretty much it. Episodes focus on such subjects as...

- The girl fish wants to get a perfect picture in the yearbook

- Final exams are approaching, and the main male fish's grades are crappy

- The main male fish's brother becomes a goth

- An Equestria Girls knockoff episode where the characters become humans (or something like that)

- An episode about a school musical

Personally, I've never watched an episode of this show because I always thought that it looked kind of lousy. But I know that there are folks who like it, so I figured "What the heck? I'll give it a watch." Who knows, maybe I'll like it. MAYBE.

The episode that we'll be watching is called "Underwater Boy".

One thing that I do like is that they list the voice talents at the beginning of the episode right after the title card. That's pretty neat - I can't think of any other show that does that...

The episode begins - where else? - at Fishwater High School, where the main male fish Milo (voiced by Kyle "Cory of In The House fame" Massey) is dressed like a magician for some reason. Then the football team comes into the building, led by their coach Richard Simmons Fish. Everybody loves the football team, especially their "MVP", Jocktopus (John DiMaggio).

"Make way for the cliched 'football-playing jock who's also the school bully'
character!"

Much of this scene consists of the characters squealing, yelling, or just SHOUTING REALLY LOUD. It's pretty grating.

Eventually, Milo's brother Oscar (voiced by Rick and Morty creator Justin Roiland) shows up, and Milo says that he's just had a "major life-changing realization". "Please don't tell me that this has anything to do with joining the football team," Oscar begs. But wouldn't you know it, it DOES. They go to see the girl fish Bea (Chelsea Staub), who as it turns out is ALSO totally into football. Oscar tells her that Milo wants to join the football team, but he doesn't know how to play. "I'm just in it for the GA-LO-REEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Milo says in a rather annoying fashion.

Bea's all "I'll help. What DO you know about football thus far, Milo?" As it turns out, all Milo knows about football is that it involves getting the football over the goalpost. Then you dance. And then he starts dancing. It should be pretty obvious to you my know that Milo's not exactly the smartest fish in the tank.

Also, I know this might be considered a nitpick, but why do Oscar and Bea have hair?
They're fish. Fish don't have hair.

Bea correctly says that this is likely going to be a lot more work than she initially thought, but Milo's all, "Nah, I'm a quick learner!" Four hours later, Bea's tank looks like this:

Regardless, Milo apparently knows how to play football now. He heads off to the tryouts, and there's a funny gag where he initially thinks that he's not the smallest guy trying out - only for it to turn out that the tiny fish next to him is in fact a pufferfish.

Richard Simmons Fish (no, that's not his name, but it's just Richard Simmons as a fish, so I'm just gonna call him that) tells Milo to show them what he's got. Milo then proceeds to dribble the ball, whack it with a tennis racket, and, um, surf on it. What the heck did Bea teach him?

"I'M A LUNATIC! CAN YOU TELL?!"

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PLAY FOOTBALL!" Jocktopus points out, but Richard Simmons Fish doesn't care and just cheers Milo on. Milo gets out a catcher's mitt and catches the football, then hikes it and starts dancing. Richard Simmons Fish likes what he sees, even though Jocktopus says that what Milo did is not football. I hate to agree with the school bully, but what Milo did shows that indeed he does not know how to play football.

Richard Simmons Fish announces that Milo is on the team... as their waterboy. "FINALLY, SOME JOCKTO-JUSTICE!" Jocktopus shouts as he slithers off. "Now wait just a minute!" Milo protests... right before he and Richard Simmons Fish just stand there making blank expressions (I guess that's supposed to be them "waiting a minute"). Then Milo complains, "Waterboy doesn't even have to do with anything! I mean, we're already underwater!" But Richard Simmons Fish claims that being waterboy is Milo's "destiny". Then Milo makes this face:

Yeeeeeeeeeeesh...

Milo says that he's quitting the team, and we cut to him at home playing video games. I don't know how video games work underwater. Anyhow, Milo complains that if he stayed as the waterboy he never would've gotten the attention that he wants. Oscar's all "It's not about the ATTENTION! Even if you're just the waterboy, you're still part of the team!" To demonstrate just how important Milo is to the team, in fact, Oscar made a pie chart. And if you take a piece - Milo's piece - away from the pie, it's not a pie anymore. It's just a Pac-Man shape. Milo realizes that he's right - he must embrace his role as waterboy! And then he eats the pie chart because he's an idiot and he doesn't understand that it's not a real pie.

Milo shows up at the field, only to discover that the team's not there - they're playing at the Gecko tank (insert some sort of GEICO reference here). And it's burning hot in the Gecko tank, which means that Milo and the water that he has with him are going to be very, very important to the team today. The geckos look like this:

They also have accents of some sort. I think they're French accents, but I could
be wrong... and no, I don't know why a gecko would be French.

The team is struggling without Milo and his water, and as a result the geckos are clobbering them. The geckos, as it turns out, have water, but they'll only give it to them if they forfeit the game. Thankfully, Milo makes it there just in time and rehydrates the team. Long story short, they win and the Gecko Coach (Dave Wittenberg) - or rather, the Geckoach (ha ha ha ha ha that's not funny), as the credits call him - shouts, "I WILL INVENT A TIME MACHINE AND MAKE YOU SORRY, FRESHWATER HIGH SCHOOL!"

I like the design of that one fish on the right of Jocktopus.

Milo is a hero, and he says that he couldn't have done it without his team - and Richard Simmons Fish, who he promptly dumps water on. Then Bea points out that the water that Milo just used to soak Richard Simmons Fish was the last of the water. Uh-oh...

And then we cut back to Oscar, who's playing a video game. He tells us that he doesn't do football. The end.

I'll admit, that wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a GOOD show. It suffers from many of the same problems show like My Gym Partner's a Monkey have - throwing things popular in other cartoons at the viewer in the hopes that it'll get a laugh. Randomness, characters shouting near-constantly, characters acting like idiots... Milo in particular can get pretty grating. The only character I honestly kinda liked is Oscar. He was okay. Aside from that, there really isn't much going for Fish Hooks.

My apologies for this not being a very funny review. I'll have to review something REALLY bad next time to really get the funny side of my brain going. Let's see, what can I review next time?

That'll do.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Father of the Pride"

How was I introduced to Father of the Pride? Well, one time I was in a Wal-Mart or a Target (I can't remember which) and I was in the DVD section and I saw a DVD of the show. Due to the art style and the DreamWorks logo being on it, I assumed that it was some sort of Madagascar spinoff and went on my way. Since that little anecdote is out of the way, let's talk about what Father of the Pride actually IS.

Father of the Pride was DreamWorks Animation's attempt at creating the next Simpsons. Jeffrey Katzenberg thought up the idea on a visit to Siegfried and Roy's Secret Garden in Las Vegas. It stars a family of white lions: the bumbling dad Larry (voiced by John Goodman), the closer to Earth wife Kate (voiced by Cheryl Hines), the teenage daughter Sierra (Danielle Harris), the young son Hunter (Daryl Sabara), and Larry's father-in-law Sarmoti (Carl Reiner). Larry is part of Siegfried and Roy's show. So it's kind of like The Lionhearts, but for adults - right down to only getting one season. And this was the 2000s pre-Kung Fu Panda DreamWorks Animation, which had a habit of being pretty hit-or-miss... sometimes you'd get the first two Shrek movies, other times you'd get Shark Tale or Bee Movie. So there's a red flag right there.

The series debuted on NBC in the August of 2004 after heavy promotion during NBC's coverage of the Summer Olympics. DreamWorks had high hopes for it, but it failed for a couple of different reasons...

1) There had been so much advertising for the show that by the time it actually aired, audiences were tired of it.

2) Before the premiere, Roy was attacked by one of his tigers, which made DreamWorks and NBC reluctant to go through with the show, but Roy and Siegfried urged them to go for it. Despite that, after what had happened audiences weren't very comfortable with watching a cartoon about Siegfried and Roy's lions.

3) Many airings of the show's episodes were interrupted by updates on the 2004 presidential election.

4) The show was very expensive and time-consuming to make. Each episode cost an estimated minimum of $2 million to produce.

5) The Parents Television Council launched a campaign against the show. Why? Well, even if the show was intended for adults, it was still a DreamWorks Animation production and advertised as being "from the creators of Shrek", which could've resulted in parents assuming the show was family-friendly and letting their kids watch it.

6) The show itself got negative reviews besides all of this.

So the show wound up getting cancelled after one season. A few years back, I decided like an idiot that I would watch the show and see if it was any good. I watched two episodes: one focused on Larry and Kate assuming that their daughter was taking catnip, which was apparently a drug for lions. The other had Donkey from Shrek showing up for some reason (and yet, as far as animation studios participating in self-promotion goes, it still doesn't make me cringe as much as Ralph Breaks the Internet). I was tempted to do a review of the latter episode, but instead today we'll be watching the episode "And the Revolution Continues".

The episode begins with Larry watching home movies of Sierra when she was a cub, much to Sierra's embarrassment. After demonstrating for first-time viewers that her personality is that of every other teenage girl on TV, Larry mentions that Siegfried and Roy are taking him, Sierra, and her mother out to dinner that night.

I'm not comfortable with the fact that they made the daughter lion so curvy.
Did they really want adults to be attracted to a character that A) is a lion
and B) is a teenager?

Meanwhile, little Hunter is playing with his Lord of the Rings action figures. Because it wouldn't be a 2000s DreamWorks production that isn't Kung Fu Panda or a traditionally animated film without some pop culture references! Sarmoti is bummed because he had to give up a date with a "sure thing" in order to watch Hunter while the others go out to dinner. "This gal's easier to get into than Florida State!" he says.

Uh... I don't get it. Florida State... that's a college, right? Is it known for being easy to get into? Huh?

Boy, Kimba the White Lion has really let himself go...

Cut to that night at the restaurant. Apparently, Siegfried and Roy can just bring ferocious carnivores into a public restaurant without freaking anybody out. I know the lions aren't going to eat any of the other customers, but I'm pretty sure bringing a man-eating beast like a lion into a public restaurant is frowned upon. Anyway, Sierra goes over to a lobster tank and makes small-talk with one lobster voiced by Danny DeVito. I like Danny DeVito, so maybe this won't be so bad after all...

Then again, I like John Goodman too but even he couldn't keep people watching
this show...

As Larry and Kate talk about how Sierra doesn't like Larry anymore, the lobster, whose name is Emerson, tells Sierra that he's not afraid of being eaten - he's afraid of being silenced. What he means by this is that he's a political prisoner, "FBI File #16324". "The liberal media won't touch me!" he says. "This face won't sell ties!" Then he gives Sierra some newsletters in a bottle and asks her to deliver them for him.

Once they're seated, Miguel and Tulio... I mean, Siegfried and Roy tell the lions that Barbara Streisand is coming to town, and they're going to put on a private magic show for her. To celebrate, they have ordered for the lions a bust of Barbara Streisand's head made out of salami. From what I can gather, the main joke of this scene - and pretty much every scene with Siegfried and Roy in it - is that Siegfried and Roy act like idiots and have funny accents. So if you don't find either of those things funny, my advice for you is not to watch this show.

By the way, despite how involved they were in the show Siegfried and Roy didn't voice their animated counterparts. Instead, Siegfried is voiced by Julian Holloway and Roy is voiced by Futurama voice actor David Herman (he's the voice of, as Professor Farnsworth would say, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEERNSTROM!).

Look at this. It looks like a mannequin you'd find in a Las Vegas gift shop
or something...

Meanwhile, Sarmoti  has decided to take Hunter to a bar. Get it? 'Cause Hunter's just a kid, and a bar is totally inappropriate for a kid! Ha ha ha!

No, I don't know why Hunter has a Cone of Shame. Maybe they explained that
in the first episode.

Sarmoti leaves Hunter with some darts to establish what an unfit babysitter he is while he goes over to the bar and flirts with a lioness (voiced by Jennifer Coolidge). After she claims that they can't date because he's afraid of commitment, he decides to do some lying and claim that he's raising his grandson all by himself. It works.

As Larry, Kate, and Sierra leave the restaurant, Sierra reads some of the newsletters and realizes that the FDA is indeed in the pocket of the pharmaceutical industry. Larry sees her desire to save Emerson as an opportunity to make Sierra like him again and sneaks back into the restaurant to save Emerson.

Once Emerson is safe and sound at the lions' place, he dubs Larry an idiot for buying beer that comes in a six-pack because the plastic rings are dangerous to sea life. "We need to engineer a campaign to cut these plastic rings before they're disposed of!" he says.

Suddenly, I have a craving for seafood...

By morning, Sierra has whipped up posters for arctic drilling, medicare, cloning, and other issues like that. "You know, kid, you've got a SPARK!" Emerson tells her. "You can really change the world!" As Larry comes over and picks up the TV remote, he says, "You know how I heal the world? With laughter!" Well, that's great and all, but how about actually SUPPLYING THAT LAUGHTER? Because so far, I haven't laughed at this show ONCE.

Anyhow, Larry tries to turn on the TV so he can watch some George Lopez, but it won't turn on. He asks what's wrong with the TV, to which Emerson replies, "You mean the mind control box? I cut the cord! Your mind is a vase! Fill it with FLOWERS, not with LIES!" Larry is not pleased by this, but he knows that if he boils Emerson in a pot and eats him with a side of butter Sierra will be mad, so he just has to shut up and take the lobster's rambling about politics and the issues and crap like that.

Please eat him. Please. Do it, Larry!

Meanwhile, Siegfried and Roy get an unwelcome visit from their annoying friend Dick Cheney. Yeah, he's in this show too. Don't ask why, I have no idea. And much like with Siegfried and Roy, he's voiced NOT by the actual Dick Cheney but rather by the great Mark Moseley. I guess either the actual Dick Cheney read the script and didn't want to be involved or (far more likely) they didn't even ask him if he was okay with them using his likeness. I wonder if he ever even saw this episode.

They also mention Al Gore at one point. That's not really interesting, but I
couldn't think of a funny comment to make here, so...

Cut to the whole lion family, plus Emerson, at the bar. Emerson complains that there's no "aquatic access" so sea creatures can get around the place. We also get TWO - count 'em - TWO jokes about how Sarmoti taught Hunter inappropriate expressions. Get it? It's funny because a kid just used the phrase "that time of the month". Why don't you just have him start cursing while you're at it?

That night, Larry is woken up by Emerson and Sierra holding some sort of rally against the bar and its not having any aquatic access or whatever. There's a zebra who sounds like Bender from Futurama, and he suggests that they torch the place.

I was gonna make a joke about Marty from Madagascar here, but the zebra sounds
so much like Bender that I couldn't resist making this joke...

"BITE MY FURRY BLACK-AND-WHITE [CENSORED]!"

Larry tells the Bender-voiced zebra and the other animals that they all need a hobby and to get the heck out of his house. Then Sierra reveals that she's not going to school anymore because blah-blah-blah political crap. Larry tells her that she has to go to school because, in his own words, "Trying to stay awake while the teacher says boring stuff builds character! END OF DISCUSSION!"

Larry is just as fed up with Emerson as I am and decides to kick him out. Alas, Sierra won't let him. Meanwhile, Sarmoti is chilling with the lioness he met at the bar, but Hunter keeps distracting him, so he distracts the kid with a bottle of alcohol and some cigarettes. Grandpa of the year, everybody!

As for Larry, he's decided to take Emerson to the Mirage Aquarium.

Meh. I prefer the Living Seas at EPCOT.

He tosses Emerson into the tank. Siegfried and Roy, meanwhile, are hanging out with Barbara Streisand... and apparently the Mirage Aquarium doubles as the restaurant from before's lobster tank or whatever, because she spots the lobster and announces that she wants him for dinner. And no, they didn't get the actual Barbara Streisand to voice herself either (Jeannie Elias does her voice here).

What exactly is the point of having a celebrity appear on your show "as themselves"
if you're not going to actually ask the celebrity if they'd like to voice their caricatures?
What, did they just pick Barbara Streisand's name out of a hat or something?
And weren't they at all afraid that she might see the show, get offended, and sue them?

Back at the house, Sierra chews Larry out for what happened to Emerson and storms off, then Larry's best friend, a gopher named Snack (voiced by Orlando Jones)... yes, that's really his name... shows up and gives Larry some good news: Emerson hasn't been eaten yet! Barbara plans on eating him tonight at the villa! And coincidentally enough, Siegfried and Roy are taking Larry to the villa tonight, so he can save Emerson!

I'm not even going to tell you how the rest of this scene goes, because
there's no way that I can keep this blog PG if I tell you about the joke that comes next.

Oh, and then Kate finally finds out about Sarmoti's using Hunter to hook up with a girl. Alas, Sarmoti takes off before she can read him the riot act. Darn, I was really hoping she and/or Larry would beat the crap out of him.

Siegfried and Roy arrive with Larry at the villa where Barbara is staying, and Larry puts his plan to save Emerson into motion. He signals Snack to cut the power, resulting in another appearance from Dick Cheney. While Siegfried and Roy are (what else?) acting like idiots, Larry frees Emerson, who promptly battles a hungry Barbara. Blah blah blah, stuff happens and Sierra thinks that her dad is awesome for saving Emerson. Emerson, by contrast, isn't grateful at all, and this makes Sierra realize how much of a jerk Emerson is. She throws him into a storm drain and that's the end of that plotline. I hope Danny DeVito at least got a nice paycheck.

Then we cut to Hunter and his friends playing with the Lord of the Rings action figures. Kate has forced Sarmoti  to dress as Gandalf. He offers to buy the kids some beer, but Hunter tells him that there's no alcohol in Middle Earth. Sarmoti says, "Crap." And then the episode ends.

I had no idea that Sarmoti auditioned for Gandalf!









Clearly, they made the right choice in casting Ian McKellen over him.

This sucked. For one thing, there's no reason for this to star animals - my best guess is that we're supposed to find it funny that a lobster of all things is arguing about politics, but it's not. It's just stupid. Siegfried and Roy are not funny, they're ungodly annoying. Grandpa Lion is not funny, he's an unlikable jerk. I can tolerate the other characters fine, even if they're just blatant stereotypes. The animation is blah. Every joke falls flat. The cliches are blatant. John Goodman and Danny DeVito are clearly trying their hardest but they can't make anything good with this script. It's just... who was this supposed to appeal to? I don't think an adult would want to watch a computer-animated lion make raunchy jokes, and it's certainly not appropriate for kids. Even if the show hadn't been protested, I don't think it would've become as popular as something like The Simpsons or Family Guy. I guess it was an interesting experiment for DreamWorks, but it's unappealing, unfunny, and just unpleasant.

Side note, apparently DreamWorks Animation and Jeffery Katzenberg really want to forget that this show ever happened, at least if TV Tropes is to be believed. So even they don't feel any pride over Father of the Pride.

On the bright side, the theme song is an awesome cover of "Viva Las Vegas" by John Goodman. So there's that.

Let's Watch This - "You're In The Super Bowl, Charlie Brown" (1994)

Tomorrow is the biggest day of the year for football fans - Super Bowl Sunday! For those unaware, that's the day that the Super Bowl airs. Everybody watches the Super Bowl... or at least, the majority of people watch the Super Bowl. Some for the actual game, others for the commercials.

And do you know what ELSE the majority of people watch? Peanuts television specials. There's a reason why every year, at least one channel airs It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown around Halloween, then A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving around Thanksgiving, and A Charlie Brown Christmas around Christmas. Because people love those specials. By contrast, nobody liked that 2013 Holiday special with Lady Gaga and the Muppets, hence why that to my knowledge has only aired once (though I think it did wind up on Netflix for a while).

Because people love seeing Charlie Brown and his friends in animated television specials, there have been millions of those things. Some you're likely to recognize if I mention 'em - You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown? Yeah, you've probably seen that (I'm pretty sure they used to air it after It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown). Charlie Brown's All-Stars? You might've seen that once. Now I'll name a few Peanuts TV specials that aren't as iconic - It's a Mystery, Charlie Brown? Have you ever seen that? How about She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown? No? Well, there's You're the Greatest, Charlie Brown... never seen that? Well, have you watched It's Spring Training, Charlie Brown? Not even once, huh? Well, surely you've seen It's the Girl in the Red Truck, Charlie Brown (which doesn't even star Charlie Brown, by the way) at least once, right? No? Well, how about You Need to Grow a Spine, Charlie Brown? Have you seen THAT one? Of course you haven't, because I just made that one up. But here's one that actually does indeed exist - You're in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown. Have you seen You're in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown?

This special, the 37th one starring Charlie Brown to be made, premiered in the January of 1994 as a tie-in with that year's Super Bowl. It's only been released on VHS once. And at participating Shell gas stations. The problem with this is, well, who the heck buys a VHS at a gas station? Is there really anybody who goes to a gas station and says, "Hey, while I'm getting my car's tank refilled, I'll see what the movie selection they have here is like?"

Anyhow, the special never got a DVD release. Why? Well, Warner Home Video - the company that currently has dibs on DVD releases of the Peanuts TV specials - doesn't have distribution rights to it. When Paramount Home Entertainment held the rights to release DVDs of the Peanuts TV specials, THEY didn't have distribution rights to it either. This might be because at one point in this special we see the NFL logo, and the characters wear football helmets with the logos of actual NFL teams on them (for example, we've got Pig-Pen wearing a Green Bay Packers helmet) and as a result if either company were to release it on DVD they'd have to pay royalties to the NFL.

So anyhow, this is a special that exists. And by the way, the title is a big fat lie - the special's not about Charlie Brown and his friends playing in the Super Bowl (though I think that's for the best, since had they did a special with that premise they likely would've pulled a It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown and have Lucy cost them the game by pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown). So what IS it about? Well, let's take a look at it and we'll see. This will be just as exciting as watching the actual Super Bowl!

Well, only there aren't any commercials. Nor is there a halftime show. But maybe you can get some buffalo wings to eat as you're reading this. I'll wait.














You back? Good. Let's dive in.

The special begins with Snoopy (Bill Melendez) serving as the coach of a football team consisting of Woodstock and his identical-looking bird friends. They're playing in a tournament for the AFL - that's the Animal Football League. The first rival team to take them on is a bunch of cats.

"Why are we here again, Linus?"
"I have no idea, Charlie Brown. I have no idea..."

I like the design of the cats that the birds are playing against. I especially love how dumbfounded they look... though, to be fair, you'd probably be dumbfounded too if you were clobbered in a football game against tiny yellow birds.

"Sufferin' succotash, we're being beaten by birds!"
"I hate Mondays..."

Seriously, it's incredible how much ease the birds have in taking the cats down. Also, during this scene the animators apparently got lazy because they just replay the same exact clips of the birds pummeling the cats. They don't even try to hide it. Eventually, the birds win and they celebrate by dousing Snoopy with "Chirpade".

After that, we cut to Charlie Brown (Jimmy Guardino) and Lucy (Molly Dunham). Lucy has a football. You know the drill... she's all "I'll hold the football, and you come running up and kick it." And then he's all "I'm not that stupid, and I find the fact that you think I'm that stupid insulting to my intelligence. You're gonna pull it away and then I'm gonna hurt myself." Then she talks him into it, blah-blah-blah, "This time I'm gonna kick that football clear to the moon!"

Before Charlie Brown can kick it, however, they're suddenly interrupted by Peppermint Patty (Haley Peel), Marcie (Nicole Fisher), and Franklin. Peppermint Patty has a flyer for a "Punt, Pass and Kick" Contest, and she thinks that they should all enter. The first prize is a new bicycle and a trip to the Super Bowl. Marcie says that she sucks at football and that if she entered, she wouldn't win. Linus (who A] showed up while Peppermint Patty was talking and B] is voiced by John Christian Graas) then takes a look at the flyer and points out that it says whoever wins will get a chance to be in the finals at the Super Bowl. Then Lucy takes a look at it, and Charlie Brown tries to kick the football while she's distracted... alas, she pulls it away again, and Charlie Brown hurts himself. Rats.

Marcie says that she's not sure if she wants to go to the "Splendid Bowl" anyway, and then we cut to Charlie Brown and Linus doing some practicing.

Is it just me, or is that football unusually large? Seriously, just look at it.
It's almost as big as Linus' head!

While they're practicing, they wind up running into a girl who Linus and Charlie Brown are instantly smitten by. How many times now has Linus met some girl who he's instantly smitten by? I swear, it's happened to him even more than it's happened to Charlie Brown. He should learn by now that these romances with one-shot characters never work out.

I love Charlie Brown's expression here... is he trying to look seductive?
Because that's what I think he's trying to do...

The girl introduces herself as Melody Melody (Crystal Kuns). "I've been watching you," she says. "For years now, actually." Well, okay, she doesn't actually say that last part, but wouldn't it have been creepy if she had?

They go to an ice cream shop for hot fudge sundaes, and Charlie Brown and Linus tell Melody Melody about the contest. She says that she'll be rooting for them. Linus replies by dubbing Melody Melody the most beautiful girl that he's ever seen. But enough about that, how are the birds doing?
Well, now they're playing against a team of dogs.

"Hey, uh, Ted?"
"Yeah, Fido?"
"Isn't it kind of weird that those birds have a dog - as in, one of US - for a coach?"
"Yeah, but hey, our coach is a rhinoceros. Who are WE to judge?"

(NOTE: I know that the TV Trash review of this special already pointed this out.
Please forgive me for my uncreativity)

Of course, the birds clobber the dogs, too. And we get more reused clips - in fact, I'm pretty sure they even reused some animation from the earlier scene with the cats. Disney isn't the only company to recycle animation, it would seem. Also, at one point a dog makes this face:

The birds win again, and once again Snoopy gets doused with Chirpade. "And remember," the announcer says (yeah, there's an announcer, too. I should've brought that up earlier), "Chirpade is all-natural, so you should feel free to go au naturel." A joke about being naked. Classy, fellas. Real classy.

Then we finally get to see that contest that they've been building up to this whole special. Everybody is warming up - Linus is doing jumping-jacks AND having a spazz-attack at the same time, Charlie Brown is doing this weird thing with his arms, that kid in yellow is, uh, imitating a chicken and Lucy is touching her toes.

Though in this screenshot, it looks more like she's holding her pants up...

Linus notices Melody Melody standing nearby. He's all "I bet she's rooting for ME!" and then Charlie Brown is all "Nuh-uh, she's rooting for ME!" and then Linus is all "I love her even more than Sally loves me!" Speaking of which, I'm just now realizing that Sally's not in this special. Where IS she? I know the comics established that she's not particularly good at football, but still...

After that, we cut to Lucy dancing like a marionette before running onto the field to go first in the contest. She manages to throw the ball twelve feet and three inches, but fails epically at kicking it. There's something satisfying about that.

Next it's Franklin's turn, and we discover that his last name is "Armstrong". Huh. Who knew? Maybe if he wins, it'll make up for the fact that in this special he doesn't have any lines. He throws the ball twenty-seven feet and six inches, then kicks it sixty feet and two inches. Peppermint Patty goes next, and after throwing the ball she starts dancing for some reason. "TWENTY-EIGHT FEET, FOUR INCHES!" the kid who's in charge of measuring the distance that the ball goes (also voiced by John Christian Graas) shouts. Then Peppermint Patty kicks it seventy feet and eight inches.

Pig-Pen goes next (no, we don't get to find out his real name. The announcer just calls him "Pig-Pen"). He throws the ball twenty-four feet and three inches, then kicks it forty-five feet and two inches. Marcie goes next, and we find out that HER last name is "Johnson".

Even Marcie looks surprised that we're actually learning her last name.

She throws it eighteen feet and six inches, then can't bring herself to kick it - "What did it ever do to me?" she points out.

Charlie Brown's up next. He throws it SEVENTY-TWO FEET AND SIX INCHES, then he kicks it SEVENTY FEET AND FOUR INCHES. What's this? Charlie Brown actually successful at something?! It must be my birthday!

Linus goes, and he throws it seventy-two feet and eight inches, then kicks it seventy feet and eight inches. "He did it! He did it! He beat Chuck Brown!" Peppermint Patty says. "Chuck Brown"? Doesn't she usually just call him "Chuck"?

Well, it seems as though Linus is going to win this... until the announcer says that there's one more contestant: Melody Melody! She throws it eighty feet and six inches before kicking it seventy-two feet and eight inches - or, as Charlie Brown puts it, "to Kingdom Come." Linus is humiliated, and believe it or not, we actually get to see the announcer. An adult. In a Peanuts cartoon. Technically this isn't the first time, but it's still pretty jarring.

It's just so WEIRD...

Melody Melody wins the bike and the ticket to the Super Bowl. "So long, Linus! Watch me on TV!" she says in a rather annoying fashion before riding off. So, essentially, the whole point of this subplot with Melody Melody was so that the special could end with Linus feeling like trash? What?

Actually, the special's not over yet. Remember the birds? Now they're playing against bison. Bison that look nothing like actual bison. THIS is what an actual bison looks like...

And here are the bison that appear in the special...

Forgot to take a screencap, so I had to find a picture on Google Image Search...

They look like a cross between Binky Barnes from Arthur and the main monster from Where the Wild Things Are.

As you might have guessed, the birds beat the bison and we get more reused clips and animation. Lucy shows up and tells Coach Snoopy that his game plan is all wrong. Ah yes, and at one point the announcer makes a reference to that "Where's the beef?!" thing that apparently was still popular in 1994. Then Lucy gets Chirpade dumped on her. Also very satisfying.

Then we cut to Charlie Brown and Linus at the brick wall. Linus is still bummed out that his dream girl was just leading him on and dubs himself too trusting. Charlie Brown brings up what Lucy said earlier about how you can't go through life not trusting anyone... just as Lucy shows up with a football. The end.

Boy, was that dull. The reused animation and clips, the lack of plot, the whole thing just reeks of BLAH. Is it the worst Peanuts special that I've ever seen? No. At least it's not as frustrating as It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown or Happy New Year, Charlie Brown. It's just very blah.

To end this review, here's a link to TV Trash's review of the special. It's much better than mine.

In fact, here's another review of this special that's a lot better than mine. And another. Maybe I should've given you the link to those earlier instead of making you read mine. Ah well...