Let's Watch This: "The Happy Elf" (2005)

When I was younger, I watched a Christmas movie called The Happy Elf. And then, if my memory is correct, I never watched it again. But now I actually AM watching it again!

This review is just RIVETING so far, isn't it?

So, what IS The Happy Elf? Well, it's based on a 2003 song by Harry Connick Jr. The song is about one of Santa's elves and how he likes making folks happy. And that's about it. John Rice (who has also worked on shows like BraveStarr, Rugrats, The Simpsons, and King of the Hill), the film's director, apparently heard the song one day and said, "Hey, why don't we make a MOVIE about this?"

The film features the voices of Rob Paulsen, Carol Kane, Mickey Rooney, Kevin Michael Richardson, Mae Whitman, Lewis Black, Candi Milo, and even Harry Connick Jr. himself. And in 2007 it was adapted into a stage musical featuring five (count 'em - FIVE) new songs. Not bad for a direct-to-video movie.

Will The Happy Elf succeed in making me happy? Or will this blast from the past make me wish I'd just left it in the past? Let's find out, shall we?

The movie begins with a guy making his way down the street when he spots two kids fighting. Since this is from 2005, the CGI animation isn't exactly PIXAR quality. Far from it, actually. Though to be fair, it probably looked more impressive when the film came out. That's the problem with CGI - it's always being updated, so what looks incredible in the 1990s won't look as great in the 2010s.

Anyhow, the guy (voiced by Harry Connick Jr.) is all, "Why are you being all naughty? Santa ain't gonna like this!" to which the kids (Rory Thorst and Liliana Mumy) are all, "So what? It's Christmas Eve, and we've been good all year. Santa won't change his mind NOW." The guy tells them that they're wrong because "he checks who's naughty and nice... TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES."

Little known fact: all animated Christmas specials need an on-screen narrator.

Then he adds that Santa makes the second check on Christmas Eve, and that these kids probably haven't heard the story of the Happy Elf. He introduces himself as Little Farley and says, "I'm telling you a story. So close your mouths and open your ears!"

By the way, haven't these kids been taught not to talk to strangers? That's something usually hammered into kids' heads at an early date. I know Little Farley's not gonna do anything bad to the kids, but I'm a bit concerned that neither of the kids are going all "STRANGER DANGER!" on the guy.

The Happy Elf, Little Farley tells us, is a cheerful little fella and one of Santa's helpers. He goes by the name of Eubie, he's voiced by Rob Paulsen, and works at Santa's poorly-rendered workshop. So as the first song, "The Happy Elf" (natch) begins to play, we see Eubie doing his thing.

He's sort of a cross between Buddy from Elf and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Be warned - once this song enters your head, it will never leave. It'll set up shop in there and you won't be able to get it out.

The head elf, Tucker (Kevin Michael Richardson), tells Eubie to knock it off, to which Eubie says that he's just so excited about Christmas. "Just picture it, sir!" he says. "Glorious moment... wrapping paper strewn around the room... a child saying 'Hello, new toy. I'm going to love you and remember this day forever!' Ah ho ho, sir, these toys have to look their best, and I'm here to do my part! Why, just yesterday, I..." But instead of being happy that Eubie is such a dedicated employee, Tucker tells him to take some time off.

"WHY WEREN'T YOOOOOOOOOOOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!"

He explains that it's not healthy for an elf to work so much - if they don't take an hour or so off every now and then, they might get tired and not be at their A-Game. Now, I suppose from the description of Eubie that I've given you - constantly cheerful, never stops talking, dances for no reason - you'd expect him to be a very annoying character (like Pinkie Pie, for example). But he's actually a rare example of this sort of character that actually WORKS. I think it mainly has to do with Rob Paulsen's performance and the natural charm that he has as a voice actor.

We then cut to Santa Claus himself (Mickey Rooney) and his elves in a business meeting of sorts. Because kids just love watching business meetings!

As you can see, most of the elves in this film have an Uncanny Valley thing
going on.

An elf named Norbert...

No, no, not THAT Norbert... anyhow, the non-beaver Norbert (Lewis Black) who's in charge of checking the Naughty and Nice lists admits to Santa that his staff is stretched a little thin, no thanks to the "baby boom" a few years back. Santa asks if any of the other teams can spare an elf, and Tucker decides to volunteer Eubie for the job. Norbert is all, "Noooooooooo, not Eubie! He's so annoying!", which the other elves concur with. Regardless, Santa says that Eubie has the heart of an innocent, which they could use a little more of around the workshop.

Say hello to Norbert, everybody. And also say hello to a new potential meme...

Little do they know that Eubie and his friends are just outside the large window behind Santa, spying on them. Let me introduce Eubie's friends... there's Gilda (a rather grating Carol Kane), a girl elf who of course is supposed to be Eubie's love interest, and there's also Derek (Kevin Michael Richardson), who's fat and kind of a pessimist. They're just in time to hear Santa announce the lucky elves who will be joining him on the sleigh this year. However, they wind up running afoul of some WHACKY SHENANIGANS!

Oh, whacky shenanigans, why art thou so humorous?

After crashing into the North Pole Cider house, the three elves discuss their chances of being picked for the Sleigh Team. Derek doesn't think they're gonna be picked. Why? Well, the flashback explains it for us... Gilda failed the music portion (it's hard to play a piano with swelling fingers), Derek wound up eating the gingerbread house that he was supposed to build (geddit? The fat guy eats a lot cuz he's FAT!), and the toy car that Eubie made exploded. But hey, as Eubie points out, there's always next year.

Just then, Eubie's beeper (remember beepers? Y'know, those things from the days before text messaging?) goes off, alerting him that he's needed at "HQ ASAP". He assumes that means he's been picked for the Sleigh Team and they want to tell him in person.

Why is it that almost every screencap I take of Eubie has him looking like he's high?

At the elf headquarters, Norbert condescendingly tells Hubie that he's not on the Sleigh Team, he was summoned there because he's been reassigned to the Naughty and Nice Department. We also get an appearance from this fat elf who I'm only pointing out because I want to include a screencap of him:

"Now, I'm not going to say that this guy is fat... but when he sits around the
workshop, HE SITS AROUND THE WORKSHOP!"

The Naughty and Nice Department is basically set up like an office, with elves in cubicles typing away at computers. It's like a North Pole version of Dilbert. Eubie is super-excited to get started... until he sees just how much paperwork he has to do.

Also, I keep writing Eubie's name as "Hubie".

This feels like the sort of job that more than one elf should be working on. How is
Eubie alone supposed to get through all of those by Christmas Eve?

A nice gag here is that as soon as Norbert closes the door, leaving Eubie in the office, you can hear all the other elves cheering. Anyhow, Eubie quickly gets to work, and eventually he realizes that all of the papers dubbing a kid "NAUGHTY" are coming from a place called Bluesville (population: 1,000 Smurfs and a Genie). This gives him an idea...

Eubie heads over to Norbert's house and tells him that there is a town full of naughty, undeserving children known as Bluesville. Norbert slams the door on him, but Eubie does that "magically teleports into the guy he's annoying's house" trick that all wacky cartoon characters use (it's been established that he can teleport using his hat, so maybe that's how he did it?) and manages to get an answer out of Norbert. He knows about Bluesville. All the elves (except Eubie, apparently) know about Bluesville. Attempts at getting Eubie to leave him alone quickly become futile, so Norbert explains to Eubie that, on direct orders from Santa himself, they wait until Christmas Eve for the follow-up visit to Bluesville. That way, they have more time than anyone else to "straighten-up and fly right". "Fly right"? Norbert just reminded me of Continental Airlines. Whatever happened to those guys?

Oh, look. ANOTHER screencap that I can use as a meme...

Norbert throws Eubie out the window, and I guess Eubie realizes that Norbert's not in a "doing something about the kids of Bluesville" mood because he doesn't magically teleport back into his house. Instead, he goes to tell Gilda about it. "It just doesn't make any sense! There's gotta be something wrong!" he says. Perhaps the kids of Bluesville aren't naughty, perhaps they're just sad. They just need a little cheering up. Thus, he and Gilda must visit Bluesville and get those kids off the Naughty List. Problem is, it's against regulations to interfere with the Naughty and Nice Reports.

Methinks Gilda's house is located in the Uncanny Valley section of the North Pole.

"This is something I've just GOTTA DO!" Eubie proclaims. Besides, he'll be back before anyone even knows he left. So off the Happy Elf heads to save Bluesville from having another blue Christmas (see what I did there?).

As Eubie arrives in Bluesville, Little Farley explains to the kids and the audience why it's such a lousy place. Problem number one - it's located at the bottom of a canyon. As a result, those living in Bluesville only feel the warmth of the sun once a day. Problem number two - there isn't a lot of laughter in Bluesville. Apparently the town doesn't have comedy clubs, newspaper comics, or cable TV allowing them to watch Frasier reruns. It's so dark and depressing there that nobody even knows how to tell a joke. Problem number three - recess only lasts one minute, not leaving the kids at school much time to do anything. In fact, the only thing there is for the citizens of Bluesville to do is work at the What Factory, a place where they make... um, question marks.

So does that mean I owe the people of Bluesville money whenever I use a question mark? Crud, I just used one, didn't I? Did I just use another? Why can't I stop?!

How is the dot connected to the rest of the question mark when it's not attached to it?

Naturally, Eubie's cheery personality makes him stick out like a beaver in a herd of beluga whales in Bluesville. He asks the Mayor of Bluesville (Kevin Michael Richardson) why there isn't a Christmas tree set up anywhere in town, to which the Mayor says that A) it would cost too much and B) Christmas trees are too festive for a town that runs on pure depression. He explains just how glum the town is through song. I think this song would've worked for the situation, but instead we get an original song, a blues song (fittingly enough) with synchronized dancers.

Do you think they rehearsed this number, or do they just do it for newcomers
so often that it's hardwired into them by now?

So, is there ANYTHING about Bluesville that doesn't make Droopy Dog look like a jolly happy soul by comparison? Actually, yes - they're the world's largest producer of non-flammable coal, which is terrific for throwing at cheery elves who sound like Yakko Warner... as Eubie finds out the hard way.

Classy, fellas...

If Eubie can find another use for the coal, the Mayor will personally see to it that a Christmas tree is put up in Bluesville. After dodging more coal thrown at him by Bluesville's kids, Eubie enlists the help of a kid named Molly (Mae Whitman) to get Bluesville off the Naughty List. First, he gets them to start a pie fight, which he believes nothing is funnier than. Alas, all that succeeds in doing is angering the citizens and sending a stroller with two babies in it hurtling down a hill. Thankfully, they turn up again unharmed, but that was still a pretty dark joke.

After that, Molly informs Eubie that she knows of a small group of "freakishly nice people" who could help them. They live in Downtown Bluesville - the darkest, saddest part of town. There's no puppies, no ice cream, no funny YouTube videos, nothing happy about that place. But that doesn't stop the S.L.O.B.s - that stands for the Smile League of Bluesville from being a thing... all two of them.

The kid on the right isn't a member of S.L.O.B., he's just supporting his friend.

Fortunately, Eubie has another idea. But before he can finish explaining it to the kids, the lights go out and he's suddenly nabbed and whisked back to the North Pole. Apparently the higher-ups at the North Pole found out offscreen that Eubie left and followed him to Bluesville. What is it with elves in Christmas films being, like, ninjas or secret agents or whatever? The Santa Clause, Prep and Landing, Arthur Christmas... why does it pop up so much?

Santa chews out Eubie for going against so many of the elf rules as Norbert stands there menacingly, implying that he's going to beat Eubie with a bowling pin. Well, that seems like a random thing to beat someone with... and more importantly, methinks Norbert's a bit too aggressive.

Does he plan on STRIKING Eubie with it? Hopefully he has enough SPARE time
to do so. Ha ha, bowling puns...

However, Santa's too busy getting ready for Christmas Eve to deal with Eubie, so until he can give this his full attention, he asks Eubie to turn over his hat. This is a huge deal for elves - an elf's hat is full of Christmas magic. Everything that makes one of Santa's elves special is in that hat. I suspect this is going to lead to a "you don't need the hat, the magic was inside of you all along" moral a la Dumbo and his magic feather.

Also, take a look at the sadistic glee Norbert gets from swiping Eubie's hat. The music goes all creepy and the lighting dims, with only Nobert illuminated but still covered in shadows (if that's even possible). They're really trying to make this a dramatic moment, aren't they?

"I'm gonna take your hat, Eubie... and I'm gonna BURN IT! Burn it and then
burn the remains!"

Then we cut to Gilda and Derek discussing Eubie's punishment as a seal plays the piano (makes sense to me, I don't know why YOU'RE confused). Derek says that they probably sent Eubie south - their polar opposite. In fact, Derek, despite presumably being Eubie's friend, is surprisingly chill about it. This makes Gilda MAD!

Had to get a screencap of the seal playing the piano, but to be honest, now I'm more
focused on how creepy Gilda looks here.

So as you might have guessed, Gilda totally has the hots for Eubie. Nobody can make her smile like he can. She decides to head off, find Eubie, and help him, leaving Derek to deal with the seal. When she finds him, he's lamenting the fact that his attempts at helping just made matters worse. She gives him HER hat and a pep talk to make him realize that he can still make things right, and he teleports back to Bluesville.

In Bluesville, Eubie gathers the kids together and explains to them what Christmas is all about... through SONG. I was wondering when the Rob Paulsen-voiced character was going to get to sing. After that, Eubie's plan is set into motion - Molly and two other kids sneak into the What Factory and build something. Two other kids sneak into the Mayor's office. Eubie rubs shoe polish on the canyon walls. The only thing that could possibly foil this is a certain fat pessimistic elf noticing that Gilda's not wearing her hat, figuring out that Eubie has it and left for Bluesville with it, and alerting Norbert that Eubie's flown the coop.

Too bad that's exactly what happens.

Thanks a lot, Derek. Even your humorous expression doesn't make up for the fact
that you stabbed Eubie in the back.

Eubie is almost done polishing the canyon walls when two tough-looking elves show up and dub him "one busted elf". He begs them to just let him finish, but they don't negotiate. Not even at Christmas. They DO, however, taser busted elves, as Eubie once again finds out the hard way. Jeez, guys...

After Eubie is tortured, we cut to the North Pole's Wrap Party, already in progress. All the elves are having themselves a swingin' good time... except for Eubie and Gilda. Eubie got THAT hat taken from him too and now he and Gilda are stuck as the clean-up crew. Fortunately, Derek realizes what a lousy friend he is, and Gilda reassures Eubie that she'd rather be naughty with him (get your minds out of the gutter) than nice with just anyone else. They're about to make out when Derek teleports in and admits that he's the one who tattled on them. Of course, being the nice guys that they are, they forgive him immediately.

Derek should really get another shirt. I don't need to see his belly button.

Derek, of course, still feels bad and wishes there was something he could do to make up for his actions. Eubie tells him that, actually, there is SOMETHING he can do to help them. We then cut to Santa receiving a note from the Naughty and Nice Department informing him that Bluesville's status is "pending". Hmmm...

In Bluesville, the citizens are shocked to discover that all the shoe polish makes the sunlight reflect off the canyon walls, brightening up the town (and probably also burning at least one resident's retinas). The What Factory's machines now make exclamation marks in a variety of different colors. The school bell has been muffled, resulting in a much longer recess.

Derek shows up and informs Molly that he has a message from Eubie - bring the mayor a shoe polish-covered piece of coal. He also gives another kid a joke book.

Nobody in this town has ever found a joke book before? Apparently Bluesville doesn't
have any book stores either...

Molly gives the Mayor the coal, then reminds him of what he told Eubie about how he'd put up a Christmas tree if Eubie found another use for non-flammable coal. And thus, the Christmas tree is put up, delighting the people of Bluesville... and an incognito Santa Claus.

Yeah, everyone just ignore the tall guy with a white beard and a conspicuous-looking trenchcoat.

Back at the North Pole, Santa gives a big speech about how they succeeded in bringing Christmas cheer to the world and how Eubie taught them all a valuable lesson and stuff, so he's decided that Eubie, Gilda, and Derek will be his Sleigh Crew this year. Upon hearing this, Norbert gets MAD. But he's Norbert, so who cares? Santa, Eubie, Gilda, and Derek get into the sleigh and fly off, and Little Farley reveals that the very town that they're in right now was Bluesville all along. What a twist!

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

Y'know, I was pleasantly surprised to see that The Happy Elf still holds up. It's got a likeable protagonist, catchy songs, some genuinely funny jokes, and Rob Paulsen. Can't go wrong with Rob Paulsen. And their getting Mickey Rooney to voice Santa again for this was a nice touch. Is the film flawless? Well, no. As I've said before, the animation is lousy. Again, I know it probably looked slightly better in 2005, but looking at it now, the presumably very small budget shows very, very much. But this does lead to some funny facial expressions from the characters, both intentional and unintentional. I'd recommend checking out The Happy Elf at least once. You'll probably like it.

We've looked at a lot of weird, wacky, and bizarre things this year, haven't we? Snakes selling hot wings, talking baseball bats, sentient piñatas, monkeys in a rocket ship, whatever the heck this was... you can be assured that the reviews I plan on posting next year will be just as strange. Happy holidays, everybody!

Let's Watch This: "The Nuttiest Nutcracker" (1999)

Here's an interesting fact for you - I'm freaked out by nutcrackers. I don't know what it is, they just scare the heck out of me. It didn't help that when I was younger, my family had as part of our Christmas decorations at least two giant nutcrackers that would usually be placed in the library. We have since gotten rid of them.

Anyhow, I don't think that I've ever actually seen the Nutcracker play. I've watched the House of Mouse adaptation of it (which features John Cleese as the narrator and he totally steals the show, by the way), but I don't think I've ever sat down in a theater and watched the ballet. But that's not stopping me from reviewing this.

The Nuttiest Nutcracker is a direct-to-video film released on October 19th, 1999. Don't know why a Christmas film was released before Halloween. It was directed by Harold Harris (who according to IMDB also directed thirteen episodes of Clone High) and written by Golden Films founder Diane Eskenazi and Muppet Babies writer Sindy McKay. After being released on video, it was also aired on CBS. I have no idea what the production process for this film was like, where the filmmakers got the idea to make it, or how many people bought it on DVD. But I'll tell you this, it's certainly nuttier than your average adaptation of The Nutcracker.

What draws me in is not the fact that it looks very, very weird. I mean, just look at the cover! You've got Chuck E. Cheese's incredibly fat brother battling with a bunch of rejected VeggieTales characters. No, what draws me in is this movie's voice cast. This features the voices of Cam Clarke, Tress MacNeille, Kevin Schon, Jim Cummings, and Jeff Bennett. That's not too shabby of a cast!

I know, I know... just because something has a good cast does not automatically mean that it's going to be a good movie (for example, Foodfight featured the voices of Jeff Bennett, Wayne Brady, James Arnold Taylor, Jeff Bergman, and Stephen Stanton. And just look at how well THAT movie turned out). But still...

So, let's see if we can try and crack this nutty-looking Christmas movie.

The film begins with what looks like Mr. Potato Head in a tutu (voiced by Phyllis Diller) telling the audience that this version of The Nutcracker has a "nutty little twist". It's Christmas Eve, and a girl named Marie (voiced by Debi Derryberry) is lamenting that she's all alone on what should be one of the most festive nights of the year. Well, technically she's not alone, she has her little brother, Fritz (also voiced by Debi Derryberry), with her. So is her uncle Drosselmeyer, voiced by Jim Cummings. It's just that her parents are off doing I don't know what, and that's robbed Marie of her holiday spirit. "What's the big deal about Christmas, anyway? I just wish it would go away... forever!" she says.

Uh oh, a Christmas-hating main character. Methinks somebody needs a visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come.

"We really need to get new wallpaper in this room..."

So, yeah, so far this just seems like a generic adaptation of The Nutcracker with really bad animation... where are the talking food items we were promised?

Ah, there they are! We have a stereotypical Southern colonel peanut (voiced by Jeff Bennett), a stereotypical Jamaican macadamia nut (voiced by Cheech Marin), a little kid peanut with a backwards baseball cap (voiced by Tress MacNeille), a humanoid female nut - yes, that thing in the blue dress is supposed to be a nut - who's a massive drama queen (voiced by Desiree Goyette), an old man walnut voiced by Jim Cummings, and a Brooklyn-accented cashew (voiced by Kevin Schon using his Timon voice). Honestly, with this really bad animation I had difficulty figuring out what kinds of food these characters were. I initially thought the cashew was a chili pepper.

The nuts are distressed over Marie's saying that she hates Christmas. "We've got to help her! We just GOT TO! Even if she's not a nut!" the little kid peanut proclaims. And yes, they do have names, but eh, I'm just gonna call them "little kid peanut" and "stereotypical Jamaican macadamia nut" etcetra.

We get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS and an unfunny pun from the cashew ("Just when he was startin' to come outta his shell." Get it? 'Cause they're nuts?), then we cut back to Marie, Fritz, and Drosselmeyer. Drosselmeyer gives Fritz a toy cannon and Marie... something that glows? What's in that box, the Holy Grail?

And what the heck is with Marie's hand?

No, it's a nutcracker. Anybody who knows the story of The Nutcracker should've guessed that by now.

Then we cut back to the nuts. They somehow knew that Marie would be getting a nutcracker, because they say things like "Is it him?!" and "It is, it is, it IS!" Odd that the nuts would be so excited over Marie getting a nutcracker. Aren't nutcrackers used to crack open nuts so they can be eaten?

The old man walnut explains to the little kid peanut - and the audience - that the nutcracker Marie received is no ordinary nutcracker. It's the Nutcracker PRINCE.

No, not that one. Coincidentally, Phyllis Diller was in that movie too.

You see, long ago the Nutcracker Prince (he was just the Prince back then) was in love with the most beautiful girl in the kingdom, Princess... Pearlihad? Perlypad? What the heck is her name again? Well, anyhow, there was also a Mouse Queen who was very, very jealous of the princess. And of the prince.

"I know you, I waltzed with you once upon a dream... and in that dream, we
weren't so poorly-rendered."

She wanted the kingdom for herself. So when the prince wasn't around, the Mouse Queen gave the princess a nasty bite, turning her into the ugliest thing that ever walked the Earth. Must... resist... urge to make a Donald Trump joke...

There was only one way to free her from the spell - by opening the hardest nut on the planet. Really? The Mouse Queen made it so that the spell could be destroyed by cracking open a nut? How hard could THAT be?

This is admittedly a nitpick, but how the heck can a peanut have a mustache?
And eyebrows, for that matter? Wouldn't a peanut sprouting hair mean that it's
probably not safe for consumption?

Pretty hard, apparently, because according to the Southern colonel peanut who kind of sounds like Foghorn Leghorn, many tried to open the hardest nut on the planet but failed. Then the Nutcracker Prince came along and caused the nut to explode.

No, really. It just explodes after he raises it above his head.

The spell was destroyed, and the princess turned back to normal. "You mean they were nuts for each other?" the little kid peanut asks, giving us what I think is our third nut pun so far. Alas, the prince was left so weak from the effort (apparently causing a nut to explode takes a lot out of you) that the Mouse Queen turned him to wood. Since the Blue Fairy is too busy to stop by and turn him into a real boy, there's only one way to lift the curse...

How not to anthropomorphize a peanut.

Love. Of course the secret to lifting the curse is love. Uh-huh. Yeah. And the princess' love for him doesn't count becaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaause?

Back to Marie. She tells Drosselmeyer that her new nutcracker is super-dee-dooper, but then Fritz swipes it and starts asking how he would do in battle. One thing leads to another, and Marie winds up swatting it out of his hands and onto the floor, causing its arm to fall off or something. "Look what you've done," she moans. What HE'S done? You're the one who swatted it out of his hand. I mean, yeah, he shouldn't have grabbed it, but Marie is to blame too.

"Oh, it doesn't matter anyway. I don't care about this dumb ol' nutcracker OR Christmas," Marie laments. Wait a minute, just a second ago you were going on and on about how great the nutcracker was. You flip-flop faster than a wet fish in a windstorm.

She kind of looks like Barbie, doesn't she? If the humans in your movie look
just as plastic as the toys, you've got a problem.

Marie goes to sleep, as do the nuts. But what they don't know is that they're being watched by the evil mouse Reginald (voiced by Jim Belushi), who boasts about how he's going to force them all to work in his cheese mines. I was wondering when Timothy Q. Mouse's evil twin would show up.

"I will enslave those nuts, and I'll force them to build a chain of restaurants!
Restaurants with crappy pizza, arcade games, and scary-looking animatronics!
Kids will love them, but their parents will hate going there!"

The tutu-wearing potato shows up again and tells us that we've just been introduced to the movie's villain. Yeah, you really didn't need to point that out for us. We're not idiots. We know a big ugly mouse craving to enslave talking nuts so he can force them to mine cheese for him isn't a character that we should like. He's the Mouse King, the son of that nasty old Mouse Queen we heard about earlier and the supreme ruler of the Christmas Kingdom and all of "Cheese Land".

I don't know who's uglier, the mouse or the potato...

Reginald and his little mousy minions launch into a musical number. The song is awful, Reginald can't sing (apparently, it's not Jim Belushi doing the singing voice), and at one point we have to see his underwear. Because I really needed to see that. Thank you. At one point, he boasts that he's going to "steal Christmas". Yeah, uh, I think the Grinch already tried that and it didn't quite work out. What makes you think that YOU have a shot at it? And how exactly does this loud, obnoxious musical number not wake anyone else in the house up?

After the song, the mice rush in to enslave the nuts. Wooden soldiers are there to prevent that, but the mice easily knock them out. Oh, and apparently the nuts WERE woken up by the song, because they're watching this all go down and talking about how they're in big, big trouble. "We must call for REINFORCEMENTS!" the Southern colonel peanut declares.

"FOOD FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" the Jamaican stereotype nut announces, prompting all sorts of sentient food to join the battle. Pears, broccoli, oranges, all of them start beating the crap out of the mice. Well, except the Timon-voiced cashew, who's doing a running commentary on the battle. Way not to help stop the mice, pal.

Then some beans show up, leading to... you guessed it... a fart joke. Ha ha ha, it's funny because they're farting.

I do like the beans' goofy expressions, I'll give them that.

And by the way, Marie? She's STILL asleep. How did all of this noise not wake her up? She must be a very heavy sleeper. But, eventually, she DOES wake up, and she's understandably quite confused seeing a bunch of mice duke it out with walking, talking fruits and vegetables. And, okay, I did like this joke...

Old Walnut: Why, you should be ashamed of yourselves, chasing a bunch of poor, unarmed nuts! What are you, a man or a mouse?!

Mouse: I'm a... uh, a mouse?

Old Walnut: Well, then, then, then, that case, I owe you an apology, son. Uh, please, resume.

But just when it seems as though the mice have won, guess who shows up?

Where the heck is that glow behind him coming from?

The Nutcracker Prince (voiced by Cam Clarke), now a real boy once again, emerges to partake in a swordfight with Reginald. Once Reginald knocks the sword out of his hand, Marie gets involved. For whatever reason, she doesn't just pick the little mouse up and toss him out a window or something, no, no, instead she tells him to knock it off, then proceeds to climb up a ladder to get away from him and grab the star off the top of the Christmas tree to, I guess, throw it at him. By the way, Reginald has the hots for Marie. And yes, it's very disturbing.

Reginald recognizes the star as the "Christmas Star", which he needs to rule the entire Christmas Kingdom. Marie kicks him off the ladder, then Drosselmeyer shows up. And he's surprisingly quite calm about the fact that there are sentient food and talking rats running amok in his house. "It's time for a little Christmas spirit," he says. And then the Christmas Star somehow shrinks Marie down in size. The Nutcracker Prince starts calling her "Princess", and she still can't make heads or tails of the whole "talking nuts" thing. "Wait 'till you meet the squash, he's REALLY out of his gourd!" the cashew quips.

"After this, I'm gonna star in a Chili's commercial!"
"I'm really high right now!"

The nuts explain to Marie that she freed the prince from the Mouse Queen's spell. But, oh no! The Christmas Star is gone! If they don't get it back, Christmas will be gone forever! Oh, wait, it's not gone. Marie has it in her hands. They just need to get it back on the tree by midnight. According to the Prince, that requires climbing to the castle of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

But first, another musical number! Apparently, these guys have never heard the expression "time is of the essence". By the way, the Jamaican stereotype nut's singing voice sounds nothing like Cheech Marin. And where did Drosselmeyer go? Why doesn't he just put the star on top of the tree for them?

Okay, so while they're singing, they all step through some sort of portal that takes them to the Christmas Kingdom, a magical wonderland of giant ice pops and candy canes. Wouldn't it be easier to just climb the ladder?

Meanwhile, at Reginald's castle...

Which appears to be made out of cheese... which I suppose makes sense, seeing how
he's a mouse and all...

Reginald orders his servants to find Marie so he can marry her. God, if there's one thing worse than a villain who has the hots for the main female character, it's when that villain isn't human and the main female character is.

The good guys are very close to the Sugar Plum Fairy's castle, but before they can get there, Reginald and his henchmen show up on their flying cheese motorcycles (what the heck did I just type?), channel the Flying Monkeys and grab Marie, and take her back to Reginald's castle. We get another musical number as Marie hallucinates that the Prince is there with her or something, then Marie is brought before Reginald so he can make propose to her. She, again understandably, refuses.

Meanwhile, the Prince and the grocery store escapees arrive at Reginald's castle to save Marie and the others who've been captured. The others are all "We can't do it!" and the Prince and the little kid nut are all "Yes, we can!" and I'm all "This is a really crummy movie."

Oddly, I still don't find him as offensive as the Jellyfish from Shark Tale.

They sneak into the castle while Reginald is conveniently too busy... ballet dancing? Uh, anyway, he's too distracted to spot them sneaking in. Marie swipes the star, making Reginald realize that she didn't actually want to marry her at all. No, you THINK?

We get another scene of the Prince and the produce fighting the mice, and eventually the Prince and Marie are pursued by Reginald into the cheese mines where all of the nuts, fruits and veggies have been enslaved. The castle starts crumbling, one thing leads to another, and Reginald winds up falling into a vat of cheese. He can't swim, so Marie and the Prince go back to help him after getting the sentient food to safety.

And he can't just eat his way out (it's CHEESE, after all) becaaaaaaaaaaaause?

But of course Reginald just can't help grabbing the star when they show up to save him, and it falls into the cheese. Fortunately, they manage to save him before the castle blows sky high. "That's the first nice thing everyone's ever done for me," Reginald says. And he also saved the star, which he decides to give to them. An eye for an eye and all that.

So they head to the castle of the Sugar Plum Fairy, who as you might have already guessed is that flying potato in a tutu we kept seeing every so often. She tells them that they don't need her help to get the star back on the tree - the star has incredible powers, always finds a way to shine, and gets brighter with every good deed and nice thought. So all Marie has to do is visualize the star back on the top of the tree and give it a toss.

In a flash of light, the star is back on the tree, Marie wakes up back at her house with her parents, and then Drosselmeyer comes in with the now human-sized Prince.

Did this happen at the end of the play, too?

So, that's the end, right? Well, no, the tutu-wearing potato shows up before the credits to complain about how she didn't get any recognition for her role in the movie. Uh, what did YOU do? Aside from telling Marie that she had the power to get the star back on the tree all along, you did zilch.

What's the Verdict?

The Nuttiest Nutcracker is a very lame film. It's also not particularly nutty. Throwing a bunch of talking nuts and pears in an adaptation of The Nutcracker does not automatically make it nutty, pun aside. The characters are lame and forgettable. Marie is a very boring protagonist. The Prince is dull as dishwater. The talking nuts are really, really weak comic relief characters... well, except the cashew. I kind of like the cashew. The Mouse King is an obnoxious antagonist. The animation is bad. Very bad. Even by 1999 standards it looks crappy. The jokes are hit or miss, some of them are funny but others just fall flat. There surprisingly aren't as many food puns as I was expecting. The voice actors all do their best with the material they've been given, but that's basically the one good thing about the film.

Honestly, though, I was expecting a lot worse. From the cover alone I was expecting something far more ridiculous. I mean, sentient food fighting ugly mice? A Jamaican stereotype nut voiced by Cheech Marin? I had very small expectations, even with the great voice cast. But the film's not god-awful, it's just... bad direct to video animated movie bad. You could do a lot worse as far as animated Christmas things go, but I still wouldn't recommend watching it.

Other reviews of the film I recommend checking out (I wrote this review before watching/reading these, so any similarities, joke or criticism-wise, are unintentional):
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyeWtHaXYys
- http://platypuscomix.com/hollywood/misfit14.html
- http://cccmovies.blogspot.com/2017/12/the-nuttiest-nutcracker-1999-review.html

NEXT REVIEW: The Happy Elf (2005)

Let's Watch This: "Jack Frost" (1979)

Happy Holidays, people of the internet! Apologies for the fact that I didn't post a single review throughout all of November - I was planning to, but computer troubles reared their ugly head again. But everything's been fixed up, so I can now begin with the Christmas reviews that I do every year around this time. First up? 1979's Jack Frost!

Rankin-Bass loved taking characters from Christmas songs and making specials out of 'em (both Rudolph and Frosty immediately come to mind), so making a special about the guy who "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" mentions has a habit of nipping at peoples' noses was right up their alley. Plus, Jack Frost had previously appeared in their 1976 special Frosty's Winter Wonderland (which focuses on Frosty trying to find a wife). It's not one of Rankin-Bass' more well-known specials, but as we've established on this blog, just because something is obscure doesn't automatically mean that it's bad. Of course, just because something is obscure doesn't automatically mean it's GOOD either. Remember Zoo Wars?

But how exactly DOES one make a television special about Jack Frost? I mean, a half-hour of him going around chomping on folks' schnozzes would likely make for a very lame special. So they decided to make it a love story of sorts, narrated by a singing groundhog. Why don't we get the review started so you can see for yourself?

The special begins with a montage of various magazines like People, the TV Guide, TIME, and Reader's Digest, a groundhog named Pardon-Me Pete featured on the cover. Not every day you see product placement in a Rankin-Bass special. After the montage, we cut to this guy who I swear is just a redressed version of S.D. Kluger from Santa Claus is Comin' to Town:

It's the chin and the lines around his mouth that are doing it. Maybe this is S.D.'s brother
or something?

The reporter (voiced by Dave Garroway) gives some exposition - it's Groundhog Day, and everyone is waiting for Pardon-Me Pete, the world's most revered groundhog, to poke his head out of his hole. For those that don't know what Groundhog Day is, if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means that there's gonna be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, spring will be coming our way. Considering that there's a guy holding a gigantic light in the crowd, I'm guessing Pardon-Me Pete will have no problem seeing his shadow this Groundhog Day.

I like the guy's expression, too. He's got ATTITUDE.

We head inside Pardon-Me Pete's den, and it's here that we're introduced to this revered groundhog that everybody's talking about. He sings a song called "Me and My Shadow" as he does a little dance routine with his shadow, which appears to be sentient.

I'm not sure how they did the shadow effect here. It moves like the stop-motion puppets so I'm guessing it wasn't traditionally animated, but it doesn't LOOK like a stop-motion puppet (it's solid black. If it were a stop-motion puppet, shouldn't we see some highlights or something?). Maybe it was rotoscoped?

I bet Peter Pan wishes that HIS shadow was all buddy-buddy like Pete's.

Pardon-Me Pete is voiced by comedian Buddy Hackett. If you're an animation fan like me, you probably know him best as the voice of Scuttle from The Little Mermaid.

Pete emerges from his burrow, sees his shadow, and zips back inside. The reporter asks how Pete could've possibly seen his shadow when it's a cloudy day. Well, there IS that one guy holding a giant light. Plus the flashing cameras. Maybe THAT'S how.

Back inside his den, Pete explains to us that his shadow belongs to Jack Frost. "It's a MAGIC shadow!" he says. "See, Jack and I have this deal, every year I pop out, see the shadow, make believe I'm frightened and pop back in again. Then he gets six more weeks of winter fun and I get a bit more shut-eye."

"I've got a lovely collection of dinglehoppers and snarfblatts to show you."

As he climbs into bed, Pete adds that Jack Frost is invisible, except for his shadow. "Nobody's EVER seen Jack Frost," the groundhog claims. "Unless you count that one time... when he became human... even if you never saw him, you HAVE seen his work."

Pete sings another song, this one about Jack Frost and his handiwork, as we see people playing in the snow, unaware that Jack Frost is watching them. That sounded much creepier than I intended for it to be.

But what about that time Jack Frost became human? I demand more information about that. Well, according to Pete, once upon a snowflake there was a little town called January Junction. One November day, two peasants (Larry Storch and Dee Stratton) were harvesting their crops, and they have stereotypical Yiddish accents which makes me wonder just where exactly this town is located. But their harvesting is suddenly interrupted by the villain of the special, Kubla Kraus. He's voiced by Paul Frees using his Boris Badenov/Burgermeister Meisterberger voice. He's also a big Russian stereotype. And yet I still don't find this as offensive to Russians as the Animaniacs reboot...

"I will get moose und sqvuirrel!"

Kubla Kraus rules over the people of January Junction with an iron fist (literally), taxing them dry because he's one of those "all your money belongs to us" villains. I bet he'd get along really well with Prince John. And after swiping the male peasant's "kaputnik" (which is a coin worth less than a penny, if that's even possible), he has his mechanical horse stomp all over their pumpkins just to be even more of a jerk.

Fortunately, winter soon arrives in January Junction, which is good news for its residents because winter brings icicles, and the peasants slice those icicles up into "ice coins", which they then use for currency until the warm weather returns. I would make a "frozen assets" joke, but Pardon-Me Pete does it for me.

"Counterfeiting is a wonderful thing, isn't it?"

And nobody has more fun than Jack Frost, voiced by Robert Morse. Since he's invisible, he can hang out among the folks of January Junction and be part of their fun.

This is another effect that I'm not one hundred percent sure how they pulled off. Was the puppet made of glass or something?

"I always feel like... somebody's watchin' me..."

That's how Jack first met Elisa (Debra Clinger), the daughter of the two peasants we met before. And is it just me, or does she look eerily like Elsa from Frozen? Similar name, too... and since a lot of people pair Elsa up with the Rise of the Guardians version of Jack Frost, that makes it all the more eerie.

If she uses the phrase "let it go" at any point during this special, I'm going to start
asking questions...

Elisa is heading out into the countryside so she can partake in all of Jack Frost's work. She admits that she's in love with Jack, which makes Jack's hat briefly go rigid. Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Elisa is in the countryside channeling Snow White (no pun intended) when suddenly Kubla Kraus shows up and rides his mechanical horse onto the ice. The horse's weight and the heat of its boiler causes the ice to crack, and the floe that Elisa is standing on heads towards a nearby waterfall.

All ponds in animation lead to waterfalls. It's just common knowledge.

Jack saves Elisa by using his ice breath to freeze the waterfall, and as a result Elisa harmlessly floats to the ground. Yeah, I'm calling wombat poop. I'm pretty sure that if you went over a frozen waterfall on an ice floe, you wouldn't just harmlessly float to the ground. You'd be horribly injured. Then again, why bring realism into a special with a talking groundhog in it?

"Jack Frost, not only are you a magician," Elisa claims, "You're a hero!" Yes, despite the fact that Jack Frost is widely considered to be a mythical figure (except in animation, obviously), Elisa seems to believe that he actually exists. I'm starting to wonder if Elisa is a tad delusional.

Jack has the hots (ironic, since he's all about COLD things... sorry, the joke was just too tempting) for Elisa and decides that he must become human to hook up with her. He heads up towards his home, the Kingdom of the Winter Clouds, while singing about how being Jack Frost isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Side note, Robert Morse's voice for Jack sort of sounds like Jiminy Cricket.

Pardon-Me Pete explains that the Kingdom of the Winter Clouds is ruled by Father Winter (also Paul Frees), who has lots of assistants to help him bring winter to the world. For example, there's Snip the Snowflake Maker (Don Messick), who's in charge of making snowflakes (and yes, he makes sure that no two are exactly alike). It seems kind of unfair to just force this one guy have to make all the snowflakes, considering how many are needed to make a snowfall. Shouldn't Snip have some co-workers?

He kind of looks like Mr. Smee, doesn't he?

And then there's the Snow Gypsies, who are literally just the elf puppets from The Year Without a Santa Claus spray-painted a very light shade of blue. Their job is to make sure each snowflake is carefully flipped and lands exactly where Father Winter wants it. Jeez, I had no idea that snow was so high-matienence.

"Hey, guys, I bet I can hit that dweeb with the pocket protector and the Star Trek
t-shirt."
"You're on!"

Every so often, Snip creates a snowflake that's just PERFECT for a Christmas snowfall. He has the one female snow gypsy of the bunch, Holly (Dina Lynn), put these snowflakes in a vault to make sure they stay safe until the 24th. For whatever reason, Holly looks different from the other Snow Gypsies. She looks less like a Rankin-Bass elf and more like a Muppet.

Then there are the Sleet Sisters, who create sleet, and the Hail Fellow, who's in charge of hail. I assume that Snow Miser and the Winter Warlock are in league with Father Winter too. These Rankin-Bass Christmas specials are all in the same continuity, right? Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July alone should be proof of that. Heck, Jack Frost was even in that one!

Jack meets up with Father Winter and tells him that he wants to be human. Father Winter, who's for all intents and purposes the King Triton of the special, doesn't like the idea of Jack becoming a human. Not because he hates humans, mind you, but because Jack is very important.

He's even got King Triton's beard.

"You'd be a stranger to their ways," Father Winter tells Jack. "Nobody down there really wants to know Jack Frost." Jack tells him about Elisa and sings some more, and eventually Father Winter relents. He tells Jack that he may become human temporarily. "I will give you a winter of humanity. And if by the first sign of spring, you have accumulated the basic human essentials - a house to shelter you, a horse to bare you, a bag of gold to sustain you, and a wife to make it all worth the while - then, you will be truly human, and may stay so, with my blessing, forever," he says.

So Jack heads down to Earth, becoming a human on his way down. Upon landing, he comes across Elisa.

Here we see Jack performing his mime act. He's trapped in an invisible box.

Jack, going by the name of "Jack Snip" now, immediately charms Elisa with his clumsy ways. Snip and Holly watch this go down from the Kingdom of the Winter Clouds. Don't they have jobs they need to do?

"Jack sure has a thing for that girl Elisa."
"I hope she doesn't give him the COLD SHOULDER."
"D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"

Father Winter decides that to prevent any harm to come to Jack, he'll turn Snip and Holly human and send them down after him. Uh, isn't turning Snip human a bad idea? With him human, who's doing the snowflakes? I suppose Holly might be able to squeak by since there are a bunch of other Snow Gypsies, but Snip's the only one we see making snowflakes.

Anyhow, we see Jack back at Elisa's house, having dinner with her and her parents. Elisa's dad allows Jack to stay for the night, then Jack learns that A) there aren't any free houses left in January Junction and B) he can't build one because Kubla Kraus owns all the timber and bricks. Getting a bag of gold and a horse might be difficult too, since Kubla Kraus also owns all the gold and the only horse in town (though that horse is mechanical anyway). Oh, and despite being the Cossack King, there aren't any Cossacks around in January Junction - apparently, even the Cossacks couldn't stand Kubla Kraus, so they all left. Now, he lives alone in his castle, high atop the cheerfully-named Miserable Mountain.

Speaking of which, it's time for the Villain Song! Kubla Kraus gets a catchy ditty called "There's the Rub" about how it's lonely at the top. He's a Cossack king with no Cossacks to be king of. And he can't be a Pharaoh because there aren't any pyramids around (also, it's not Egypt). He can't be a Rajah, because there aren't any elephants around either. He wonders why, if he's rich and powerful, he isn't happy. That it might stem from the fact that he's not a very nice guy doesn't occur to him. Or maybe the REAL reason why nobody can stand to be because Kubla Kraus is because he smells really bad. I wouldn't be surprised.

WARNING: once this song enters your head, it won't leave.

After the song, Pardon-Me Pete tells us that Kubla Kraus is such a scoundrel that no humans or animals wanted to live with him. So Kubla Kraus had to build humans and animals out of iron to keep his sanity. I've already mentioned his mechanical horse, Clang-Stomper...

I'll give him this, Kubla Kraus is pretty mechanically-minded...

There's also his clockwork-powered butler, Fetch-Kvetch...

And even the robot looks like he hates being around the guy.

And an army of robotic knights, the Kah-Nights...

Their names include Kah-Noot, Kah-Nick, and Kah-Nathan. Surprisingly kah-nice
of Kubla Kraus to give them kah-names instead of just treating them like mindless
soldiers.

Even the mice that infest Kubla Kraus' castle are basically wind-up toys.

I assume that he also invented a mechanical cat to deal with his mechanical mouse
problem.

And then there's his little robotic puppet, Dommy. Yes, Kubla Kraus is a regular Jeff Dunham. Only Dommy isn't as creepy-looking as Jeff Dunham's characters.

Methinks Kubla Kraus isn't all there. Sanity-wise, anyway...

We cut back to Jack and Elisa's family, as Jack announces that Kubla Kraus has got to be overthrown. Why is Kubla Kraus the king of this town, anyway? Pretty sure this special doesn't take place in Russia. Did he overthrow the previous king? Can we get some exposition on THAT? Anything at all? No? Okay, just thought I'd ask.

There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be Snip and Holly. Jack has to make up some bullcrap explanation when Elisa's parents point out that Holly is teeny-tiny. Which makes me wonder, Father Winter couldn't have also made Holly bigger when he turned her into a human? If I were in her position, I would've been feeling a bit annoyed.

Jeez, Snip looks even more like Mr. Smee now...

The next day, Jack and his pals head over to Miserable Mountain and attempt to climb it so they can beat Kubla Kraus up. While Jack is trying and failing to climb it, Kubla Kraus notices Elisa through his telescope and is smitten by her. He tells Dommy through song that he shall woo her and make her his Cossack Queen. Ah, the "villain has the hots for the hero's love interest" cliché. Maybe Elisa, Belle, and Esmerelda should start a support group.

As for Jack and his friends, they realize that it's futile to try and climb the mountain, so they give up and go home. It never occurs to them to just go find a really, really, really long ladder. Heck, surely there's a place in town where you can get some mountain-climbing gear.

Jack sets up a tailor shop at Elisa's house. On the day before Christmas, a knight in shining armor (not a Kah-Night, a flesh and blood one) stops by looking for "Jack Snip". This is Sir Ravenal Rightfellow (Sonny Melendrez), and he's unintentionally going to throw a wench in Jack's plans to make Elisa his wife.

He spent a few years searching for a princess in a dragon-guarded tower. When he
got there, he found out that she'd already gotten married to an ogre.

According to Elisa, Sir Ravenal left town and joined King Arthur's round table, but he's home for the holidays! Speaking of which, the next day is Christmas, and everyone is happy. Oh, sure, they don't have the money to go out and buy presents, but that's no big deal. They give each other "dream presents" - empty boxes that they PRETEND include awesome presents. I suppose my heart should be warmed by this, but I just find it incredibly depressing.

Is EVERYBODY in this town delusional or something?

They sing another song about how great their "dream present" is as they pass around the box and act like they got something great. And for whatever reason, Snip and Holly don't get a turn with the special empty box. Maybe they forgot Holly because she's so pointless in this special.

No, really, why DID Father Winter send Holly after Jack? She's been useless throughout this whole special. I think she's only had, like, three lines so far...

Sir Ravenal gives Elisa a rose and asks her to accompany him to the Christmas Dance that night. I like that they don't make Sir Ravenal a bad guy just for also being attracted to the girl that Jack is attracted to. Nor does Jack treat him like a bad guy over it. Unfortunately, there's a THIRD guy in this little love square that wants to marry Elisa, and he's not nearly as nice a guy as Jack or Sir Ravenal...

You ever notice that Kubla Kraus kind of looks like Stromboli from Pinocchio?
It's weird how my mind keeps going to Disney characters when I'm watching this.
This character looks like Elsa, this character looks like Mr. Smee, THIS character looks
like Stromboli...

Fortunately, Elisa's family's pet duck spots Kubla Kraus abducting her and alerts Jack and the others as to what's going on (yeah, apparently Jack can understand ducks. Oddly convenient). They head to the castle to go save her.

There's a secret entrance? I bet when Jack and the others find out, they're gonna feel
really stupid.

Sir Ravenal manages to climb into the castle and start dueling with the Kah-Nights. He saves Elisa, but winds up getting wounded. Meanwhile, Jack, Snip, and Holly get captured.

Kubla Kraus decides to have his Kah-Nights destroy the village just because he didn't get a girl. Now that's what I call not being good with rejection.

"Tell me where moose und sqvuirrel are hiding so I can bring them to Fearless Leader!"

He has the good guys thrown in the dungeon. Jack decides that maybe he can "whistle up" a winter snowstorm to stop the Kah-Nights, but since he's human now, he can't do that. So he decides to give up his humanity and become a snow fairy or whatever it is that he was before again, just to save the people of January Junction. Such sacrifice.

Is that a real sky behind the castle? Doesn't look like a painting or whatever at all
to me...

And since Jack isn't human anymore, there's no need for Snip and Holly to be human, so they're changed back to normal and whisked back up to the Kingdom of the Winter Clouds. Jack whistles up a winter snowstorm, one so powerful that it prevents the Kah-Nights from laying waste to the town.

Jack: one. Kubla Kraus: kah-nothing.

The snow keeps falling for five whole weeks. Elisa and Sir Ravenal start making wedding plans, and Elisa says that she wishes Jack Snip could be there. And suddenly, Jack's snowstorm-making powers aren't working - an early spring is on its way, and Jack knows that when the snow melts, there'll be nothing stopping Kubla Kraus from destroying the village.

Out of context, it kind of looks like Father Winter is going to eat Jack. Would that
be considered cannibalism?

Jack begs Father Winter not to let spring come early. However, Father Winter doesn't call the shots on when winter has to end - that honor goes to Nature. Presumably, he means Mother Nature from The Year Without a Santa Claus. See my previous point about how these specials are presumably all in the same continuity. And according to Nature, when a groundhog stops hibernating, emerges from his hole, and doesn't see his shadow, spring's gotta come. But if he DOES see his shadow, it's six more weeks of winter.

So, I guess that means Pardon-Me Pete is the most powerful character in this special.

"I'm basically a god! The master of seasons! I might just be a groundhog, but I'm also
unbelievably powerful! Hail to me, audience!"

Jack notices that the clouds are covering the sun, meaning there's no way Pardon-Me Pete will see his shadow. But he can work around that. He sneaks up behind Pardon-Me Pete and shapeshifts into a magic, evil shadow.

Does this really count as Pardon-Me Pete seeing his shadow when it isn't actually HIS shadow?

"ZOINKS!"

Upon seeing the giant evil shadow, Pete flees back into his hole. And since he saw his shadow (sort of), that means six more weeks of winter. According to Pete, he loved getting some extra sleep so much that he continues to let Jack scare him every Groundhog Day since then.

Alas, eventually winter has to end, which means Kubla Kraus won't be snowbound anymore and he can destroy January Junction. Jack begs Father Winter to let him be human again so he can save the day, and Father Winter allows it - he'll be human until noon, unless he can get that house, horse, bag of gold, and wife. But first, he'll have to stop Kubla Kraus.

Or maybe he won't have to do that. The melting snow collapses the rotting castle roof, and it knocks Kubla Kraus unconscious. Then Jack uses Dommy to trick the Kah-Nights to go down the mountainside instead of using the secret entrance to get to the town. Since the mountain is very steep and slippery, they all fall down and are smashed to pieces. Thus, the Kah-Nuckleheads are defeated.

After Kubla Kraus comes to, he tries to attack Jack Frost, but winds up flying out the window, and Father Christmas creates a gust of wind to carry him and Dommy away. Where the wind takes them, I don't know. Maybe they wound up in Oz.

Or maybe it took them back to Russia or something?

Well, now Jack has a house (a castle, technically, but it still counts), a horse (a mechanical one, but a horse nonetheless), and enough gold for a hundred bags, so he heads out to find Elisa and make her his wife. There's just one small problem with that...

The clock strikes noon, and Jack turns back to normal. He heads back up to rejoin his friends in the Kingdom of the Winter Clouds, and Pardon-Me Pete bids us farewell before dozing off to sleep.

The moral, basically, is that sometimes things just don't work out with the one you have the hots for. And to be proud of who you are. Unless you're a crazy Cossack King with a big bushy beard.

What's the verdict?

Like most of Rankin-Bass' specials, it's pretty corny, but that's just part of the fun. The songs are pretty good, the characters are likeable, and there's a feeling of sincerity to it that only the 1970s can bring you. Plus, it's got a Buddy Hackett-voiced groundhog. You can't go wrong with THAT.

I'm not sure why Jack Frost is one of the company's lesser-known Christmas specials. Perhaps it'll eventually catch on. Surely Freeform has room on its "25 Days of Christmas" schedule to air it in-between its fifteenth airings of Home Alone and that awful live action Grinch movie.