Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Jackie Chan Adventures"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Ohhhhhhh yeah. This one has been on my "to review" list for a long time.

Jackie Chan Adventures is probably the most well-known of cartoons that star a celebrity as themselves, although in this case, while Jackie Chan acted as an executive producer and appeared in some live action segments on the show, he didn't voice his animated counterpart - James Sie, who has since voice-matched Jackie as Monkey in Kung Fu Panda stuff, did. The show premiered on The WB as part of their Kids' WB block on September 9th, 2000 and ran for five seasons. TV Tropes describes the show as being "chock full of creative set pieces and physical comedy, just like a live action Jackie Chan film". I'll have to take their word for it because I've never actually seen any live action Jackie Chan films (I know, I know...).

In the show, Jackie Chan is not an actor but a professional archaeologist, though he's still gifted in martial arts. He lives in a world where magic and supernatural forces exist, but are unknown to much of humanity - including him, until he finds a magical talisman sought out by a criminal organization called The Dark Hand. Why do they want it? Because they're gonna use it to unleash an ancient demon dragon named Shendu (also James Sie) onto the world so he'll give them the treasure of Qin Shi Huangdi. Natch. Jackie is contacted by a government organization called "Section 13", led by his friend Captain Black, and they spend the series trying to stay one step ahead from The Dark Hand. Also along for the ride are Jack's uncle simply called Uncle (Sab Shimono) and his reckless eight-year-old niece Jade (Stacie Chan).

So it was basically just five seasons of Jackie Chan and his relatives running around trying to find magical artifacts before some evil person got their hands on them first. I'm not sure how big of a fanbase the show has nowadays, but it was clearly popular enough to get five seasons. As for me, I never watched it. At least I don't THINK I ever did. I never watched much of Kids' WB, I don't know if we even had that channel. But what luck, you can now find the show on Tubi, which means I can watch an episode and see if Jackie Chan Adventures is just as good as you'd expect a cartoon show starring, y'know, Jackie Chan to be. Apparently the first season is considered the show's best, so I'll watch an episode from that one - how about the fifth episode, "Shell Game"? This is Jackie Chan Adventures!

The episode begins on a tropical island not too far away from the Coloring Between the Lines is For Chumps Mountains...

I know it's a stylistic choice, I'm just making a joke...

...where two guys named Nelson and Andrews find a tortoise. Nelson notices something encrusted onto the tortoise's shell - a strange abstract carving of a rabbit. What could it mean?

Well, before we find out, we are treated to the show's intro. Something neat about it is that the animated Jackie Chan keeps turning into the actual live action Jackie Chan for a second. It does kind of highlight how little Jackie's animated counterpart looks like him, but it's still a pretty neat effect.

Now I'm wondering what it would be like if Jackie Chan became the new host of Blue's
Clues. My mind goes to weird places sometimes...

After the theme song, we see Jackie teaching Jade what I think is tai chi but I don't know for sure because I'm not exactly an expert on martial arts. Although I did take karate lessons when I was little. I don't think I've ever actually had to USE karate since I took those lessons, but I figured that was worth mentioning.

Jade doesn't really understand what tai chi or whatever martial art they're doing is and just wants to learn how to be a lean mean fighting machine. "Don't be in such a hurry," Jackie tells her. "Slow and steady wins the race." He starts to tell her the story of The Tortoise and the Hare, but she's not in the mood to listen to one of Aesop's Fables.

I know I've brought this up before, but... have you ever noticed that the moral of The Tortoise and the Hare isn't exactly "slow and steady wins the race"? The tortoise wins not because he's slow and steady but rather because the hare decides to take a nap in the middle of the race, thinking that since he's so fast he can nap and STILL beat the tortoise. So really, the moral's not "slow and steady wins the race", it's "don't be cocky and take a nap during a footrace, idiot".

Apparently, Jade is based on Jackie's actual nieces. I don't know if any of them
are actually named Jade, though.

While eating breakfast, Jade sees a report on TV about that tortoise from the beginning of the episode, who has been given the name Aesop (get it?). He's the star of the new Galapagos Island exhibit at the Bay Aquarium.

This show takes place in San Francisco. I've never been there, so I don't know
if their aquarium has a tortoise (I checked their website, they don't mention it at all).

The report also mentions the little rabbit carving embedded in Aesop's shell. Nobody is quite sure what it is, or why it's there. But Jade knows what it is - a talisman. You see, the talismans they're looking for in the show are all based on animals in the Chinese zodiac: there's a rooster, an ox, a snake, etc. This kind of messes up the "Tortoise and the Hare" thing they're going for, because hares aren't featured in the Chinese zodiac, whereas rabbits ARE. But most people seem to assume that rabbits and hares are the same thing anyhow (the hare, to quote Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, is a much larger mammal).

Maybe it's some sort of subtle advertisement for Nesquik?

Jade tells Jackie that she saw a talisman on the tortoise's shell, and Jackie points out that there's a rabbit in the Chinese zodiac. Clearly this situation calls for some investigation.

We then cut to The Dark Hand's eeeeeeeeeeeeevil headquarters, where the organization's leader, Valmont (Julian Sands), walks in on another member, Finn (Adam Baldwin), channel-surfing. He spots the very same report about the tortoise on TV and makes a call on his cell phone. Uh oh, looks like Jackie's gonna have some competition for getting his hands on that talisman...

What are those little lines under Valmont's eyes supposed to be? It kind of looks like
he's wearing eyeliner.

Then we see Jade in school, and because she isn't paying attention, her teacher decides to give her an extra credit assignment. Don't most students who aren't paying attention just get sent to the principal's office or something? Well, anyway, she's nice enough to let Jade choose the topic herself, and you know she's gonna use that as an excuse to join Jackie in his investigation. Sure enough...

Is it just me, or does animated Jackie Chan kind of look like Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm imagining an Alvin and the Chipmunks adaptation with Jackie Chan
as Dave. Like I said, my mind goes to weird places sometimes.

"There really is a talisman on the tortoise. And if you saw it on TV, we can bet The Dark Hand did too!" Jackie points out. Jade is skeptical, but guess who shows up? Members of The Dark Hand, of course!

From left to right, we have Finn (the red-haired one), Tohru (the big and muscular one, voiced by Noah Nelson), Ratso (the Frankenstein's Monster-looking one, voiced by Clancy Brown), and... I'm honestly not sure what the name of the buff guy with the skin tan and the sunglasses is. So I'm just gonna call him Mort.

Maybe they're not here to get the talisman. Maybe they just wanted to visit the aquarium.
Maybe they just really like fish.

Of course we get a pretty cool fight scene, but despite Jackie and Jade's best efforts, the bad guys manage to leave with the tortoise. Hopefully they just want to remove the talisman and then let the tortoise go. I'd prefer if no reptiles were harmed in the making of this episode. Also, there's a shark.

No, no, Jackie, it's just "jumping the shark". Not "jumping OFF the shark".

The bad guys carry the tortoise onto a plane waiting for them outside - except for Ratso, who has an octopus stuck on his head and is trying to get it off. Instead of trying to get some answers out of him, Jackie brings up the "slow and steady" thing again, much to Jade's frustration.

Back at The Dark Hand headquarters, Valmont is talking to Shendu, who at this point in the show is stuck inside a statue mounted to the wall. He complains to Shendu about how expensive all of these talisman-hunting schemes are and how he's not making any money from it. "Patience, Valmont... slow and steady wins the race..." Shendu hisses. So, let me guess - the moral of this episode is going to be about brushing your teeth twice a day, right?

"I swear, if I have to hear one more idiot ask you, 'Hey, where'd you get that ugly thing
hanging up on your wall?', I'm going to go berserk."

On the plane, Tohru manages to pry the talisman off the tortoise's shell, and Finn calls Valmont up to tell him that. When Valmont finds out that they have the tortoise with them, he says, "Prepare for a detour. I have an acquaintence that I'm certain will pay top dollar for our endangered friend." Then Finn gets a call from Ratso and tells him that they'll pick him up. As for Jackie, he manages to get rid of Jade by tricking her into getting into a taxi with Uncle. Ha ha, Jade, you just got PUNKED!

"I'll show him! I'm going to take a dump in his car!"

Fortunately for Jade, Uncle is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal, so she can trick him into thinking that she's been possessed by the "ruler of the rabbit realm" and that she must fulfill her destiny so he should release her at once. Quick question: where exactly are Jade's parents? Do they know their daughter is getting involved in these dangerous missions with Jackie? Is this ever addressed?

Jackie follows Ratso to a dock where the other bad guys are waiting for him. That acquaintance of Valmont's is there, too - Dr. Carl Nevour, and what does he plan on doing with the tortoise? Eating it. You've heard of turtle soup, haven't you? Yes, apparently some people eat tortoise. I do not know what it takes like, and I plan to never find out... I have made a vow to never eat any kind of animal that I haven't already eaten (pig, cow, chicken, and turkey). I don't care how bison tastes, they're way too cool an animal to be eaten.

That tortoise seems oddly happy for someone who's about to get eaten.

Jackie wants to go after the Dark Hand guys, but Jade doesn't want to leave Aesop to become an entree. "You're okay with letting something that looks just like Uncle get eaten?!" she claims. Their argument is interrupted by Tohru overhearing Jackie's voice, and we get another fight scene. Long story short, Jackie gets his hands on the talisman... for about five seconds. Then Tohru grabs it back.

"Careful! That one, uh, turns you into a chocolate bunny!" Jackie tells Tohru. And since he put THAT mental image in my head...

I'm gonna be honest: what I did here was Photoshop a picture of Tohru's head onto clipart
of a chocolate bunny and then trace it. I tried drawing it myself, but it was too hard.

How fitting that I'm reviewing this episode in April.

What the talisman ACTUALLY does, it turns out, is give somebody super-speed. Now Tohru is a regular Lightning McQueen. Brawn AND super-speed, what a dangerous combination.

"GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FAST!
GOTTA GO FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!"

Jackie manages to defeat Tohru by knocking over a barrel of oil and letting him slip on it, sending him flying into the plane, which the others have already boarded, and knocking it over into the sea. Now Jackie has the talisman! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, Jade has snuck aboard Carl Nevour's ship. Now she just has to figure out how she's going to save a very heavy tortoise without Carl or his chef finding out. Alas, her best plan is to point at Carl, demand that he release Aesop, and call him a "tortoise-eating creep". Uh oh, I think I know where this is going. Is Carl gonna go all Hannibal Lecter and eat JADE too? Is he a cannibal? I honestly wouldn't be surprised...

"I'll have her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Believe it or not, he actually DOES say that he's going to eat her... but then reveals that he's just joking. Children are much too common for his "sophisticated palate". For a second, I was worried that he was going to use her as bait to lure Jackie to the boat so he could cook and eat HIM instead, but instead he just tells his chef to lock her up and get dinner on the table.

Jackie uses the talisman to become so fast he can actually RUN ON WATER, allowing him to run to the ship and save Jade. With this new ability, he locks the chef in the very same cell that Jade was previously locked up in. As for Shendu, he is not pleased to discover that Valmont and his goons do not have the talisman and summons ninjas to get it.

If only that tortoise was a ninja, too. And a teenager. And a mutant.

Jackie fights the ninjas using speed and cooking spices, and while he's doing that, Jade leads the tortoise out of the kitchen with carrots. But d'oh, Carl catches her in the act. Jade makes a reference to Bugs Bunny (this show DID air on The WB, after all), and then Jackie accidentally drops the talisman, and it rolls over to her, allowing her to pick it up and put it back in the tortoise's shell. Oh, look. Now the TORTOISE has super-speed. It's funny because tortoises are a slow animal.

"Eat your heart out, Turbo!"

Thanks to Aesop's now being the fastest thing alive, he, Jackie, and Jade manage to escape the ship, leaving Carl to deal with the ninjas. The day is saved!

The episode ends with a live action segment where Jackie Chan talks about how much he loves TV. Considering that this is a TV show, I feel like this is some sort of propaganda...

What's the Verdict?

So, that's Jackie Chan Adventures, and it's another show I found just okay. The animation is decent, the voice actors all do a good job, the characters are likeable enough (Jade can be a bit much, but I stomach her fine for the most part), the fight scenes are cool, and the jokes are at least sort of funny. Honestly, I'm not sure the show really needed to star an animated Jackie Chan... aside from being good at martial arts, the main character's being Jackie Chan didn't have much bearing on the show's plot at all. I feel like you could've just made him a brand new character just INSPIRED by Jackie Chan and not much would have changed. Granted, having him be Jackie Chan probably helped draw peoples' attention to the show more than it would have if it had been an original character... I dunno, as a whole, I think the show is fine for what it is.

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Let's Watch This: "Rolie Polie Olie: The Great Defender of Fun" (2002)

Do you remember Rolie Polie Olie?

There's a very good chance that you do. Produced by Nelvana and created by children's book author William Joyce, the show ran on Playhouse Disney from 1998 until 2004, taking place in a world that would've felt right at home in a Fleischer Studios cartoon - except it was in CGI and all the characters were robots. I loved this show when I was younger - I was lucky enough to be in its target audience during the time when Playhouse Disney had a lot of really great shows. Bear in the Big Blue House, Stanley, The Book of Pooh, Out of the Box... fortunately, you can find all of these shows on Disney Plus now, but it's not quite the same.

Rolie Polie Olie was a pretty popular show, if not to the same level of popularity as Bear in the Big Blue House. But it did have one thing that Bear didn't have - a movie. In fact, it got TWO movies! Both of them straight-to-video, but still, a movie's a movie. 2002 saw the release of the first Rolie Polie Olie movie, Rolie Polie Olie: The Great Defender of Fun.

I remember watching this movie when it came out on DVD, and liking it well enough, but I haven't seen it in years. Does it hold up? Well, I found the film on YouTube (which is convenient, since it doesn't seem to be on Disney Plus and I no longer have the DVD), so why don't we find out?

The movie begins in a galaxy full of sentient planets and stars, triumphant music playing in the background, before we come across... what I could only possibly describe as nightmare fuel.

Seriously, that clown head with the purple skin alone is gonna appear in my
nightmares, I just know it...

This, a narrator tells us, is the faraway "Galaxy of Goofs", and it's been invaded by a dark force. The master of gloom, the pirate of pleasure, the worstest, baddest bot in the universe (the narrator's words, not mine)... Gloomious Maximus! He's nasty, he's diabolical, and worst of all, he's voiced by James Woods! AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

...uh, is that blood on his chin?

With his "Un-Funarators", which kind of look like the speaker horns from gramophones, he can suck the fun out of EVERYTHING! In other words, he's the Rolie Polie Olie equivalent of those guys who complain about cartoon mascots being used to advertise sugary cereal to kids. Y'know, the people we have to blame for the Trix Rabbit being out of a job?

Gloomious uses his "Un-Funarators" to suck the fun out of the Galaxy of Goofs' residents. Fortunately, who should show up to save the day but Spaceboy and Spacedog, who are basically Rolie Polie Olie and his dog Spot but blue and dressed in chrome. They will defeat Gloomious by... laughing at him. Apparently this villain's weakness is laughter. Ah well, it's better than being defeated by SNEEZING...

"Astro Boy can suck it!"

All of this is just a TV show that Olie, his sister Zowie, and his square-shaped friend Billy Bevel are watching. The narrator tells them to help Spaceboy and Spacedog by laughing as well. It works, the creatures of nightmares are filled with fun again, and even Gloomious' minions are yukking it up. Gloomious is all "DRAT! I've been foiled by LAUGHTER!" and leaves.

Olie and Zowie's mother enters the room and reminds them that it's Zowie's birthday party tomorrow (plot exposition!), then on TV, Spaceboy tells the audience that Gloomious has a new weapon called a "Super-Powerful, Ultra-Gloomerator Glum-Beam" and to call the "Spaceboy Hotline" if they get in a jam. I assume this is more exposition. Also, Blogger's spell-check is getting a pretty good workout from this post.

I'm guessing Billy wouldn't be offended if you were to call him a "blockhead".

Olie, Billy, and Zowie send out invitations for Zowie's party via tiny rockets, because why not? One of the rockets leaves their planet's atmosphere and goes into space - and it's heading right towards a ship that looks a lot like the one Gloomious Maximus was piloting in the show Olie, Billy and Zowie were watching...

Hmmm...

And guess who's piloting that ship? Why, Gloomious Maximus, of course! He's not just a character in a TV show? Does he play himself in the show and then just go out to do evil stuff? Or is the Gloomious Maximus in the show an imposter? I wonder if he's ever considered suing for defamation of character.

Anyhow, the rocket winds up aboard the ship, and when Gloomious reads the invitation inside he makes it his goal to ruin Zowie's birthday party. But first, he's going to sing an awful song about how much he hates fun.

I believe this song is called "The Karens' National Anthem".

Back on the Polies' planet, Olie and Billy have invented what looks like a Nerf gun that shoots bubbles (SpongeBob would love that). Olie's dad and his Uncle Gizmo show up with an invention of their own - a handy-dandy energy refibulator, which can synthesize anything's energy into a powerful ray. For instance, it can take the yummy taste of cookies (does something's taste really quality as "energy"?) and make a yummy ray.

Question: how come some of the robots in this show have hair and others don't? Does Olie
ever feel self-conscious about being bald?

Olie explains that he wants to give the bubble-blowing gun to Zowie for her birthday, but he was hoping it would be a special super-silly ray instead. "Maybe you just haven't got enough silly in it yet," his dad suggests. Perhaps they could use the energy refibulator to refibulate the energy of them being silly and create an actual silly ray.

You're probably wondering why Uncle Gizmo is an Elvis impersonator. I'm wondering that too. Do robots in outer space even know who Elvis is? We never see any humans in this show, but the planet Olie lives on isn't supposed to be Earth (at least I don't THINK it is), so I doubt we're supposed to assume that humanity went extinct or anything.

Anyway, the robots all act silly, and the energy refibulator does its thing and turns the bubble-blowing gun into a gun that blows bubbles that make people act silly. I really hope such a device doesn't fall into the wrong hands...

"Spider-Bot, Spider-Bot, does whatever a Spider-Bot does
Can defy, gravity, when he acts, real silly
Look oooooooooout, he is a Spider-Bot..."

"It works! This is gonna be the A-Number-One-bestest present I ever gave Zowie!" Olie declares. When he and Billy bring up Gloomious Maximus, Olie's dad and Uncle Gizmo reveal that they know about Gloomious Maximus too. When they were small, they watched Gloomious on a show called The Willy and Wally Jolly Hour. Who are Willy and Wally Jolly? Why, only the greatest Defenders of Fun ever. They also looked much more human than any of the other robots we've seen. In fact, they kind of look like prototypes for Rodney Copperbottom, another William Joyce-created robot character.

Wow, Gloomious Maximus hasn't aged a day since then.

...wait a second. DO robots age?

Meanwhile, Gloomious fires his Glum Beam at Olie's hometown of Polieville, which will put everyone to sleep, leaving them powerless to stop him from sucking the fun out of their lives. It doesn't seem to have any effect on Olie, Billy, Zowie, or Spot, but Olie's dad and Uncle Gizmo turn blue and become very, very tired. "It's like they've been... Gloomerated," Olie points out. "Time to call the Spaceboy Hotline!"

Olie calls up the hotline and tells Spaceboy - who ALSO exists and isn't just a TV show character, apparently - about what's going on. He tells Olie that he, Billy and Zowie weren't affected by the Glum Beam because they were wearing party hats, which deflected the beam's power. "Try to keep your chins up! I'll be there as fast as I can!" he declares. Until Spaceboy gets there, Olie decides that they'll have to be Great Defenders of Fun just like Willy and Wally. Oh yeah, and Olie and Zowie's goofy grandpa Pappy shows up, but he's been "Gloomerated" too.

Becoming "Gloomerated" is what happens when you spend too much time on Twitter.

Boy, these jokes are just writing themselves...

Pappy might have been "Gloomerated", but his seemingly sentient dentures haven't for some reason, which is a good thing because Olie, Billy, Zowie, and Spot are gonna need all the help they can get - especially since Gloomious' ship has arrived! Zowie decides to cheer up the "Gloomerated" bots by tickling them, and Olie, Billy, Spot, and the dentures head to the park to stop Gloomious from sucking the fun out of everything.

They use the silly bubble-blowing gun to make Gloomious' minions act silly, but it doesn't work on Gloomious himself. After a rousing game of Keep-Away and the dentures biting Gloomious' posterior, Spaceboy and Spacedog show up to help, as do Zowie and the remainder of the Polie clan, now de-Gloomerated. "We'll laugh you right out of Polieville, Gloomious Maximus!" Mrs. Polie declares.

Gloomious' one weakness - jokes about his weight. When he sits around the house,
he SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.

"Too many laughs! Too much happiness!" Gloomious says, but then he manages to get his hands on the silly ray/bubble blowing gun. Remember what I said about hoping that device didn't fall into the wrong hands? Well, as Gloomious heads back to his ship with the gun, he makes it clear that he has eeeeeeeeeevil plans for it. Olie is bummed that he doesn't have a present for Zowie now, but Zowie says, "Me no need present. Me want Olie happy." Then Mr. Polie gets bitten on the butt by the dentures (they must be very powerful dentures if they can bite characters made of metal).

Olie, Zowie, Billy, Spot, and the dentures are heroes, and Pappy is so happy that he starts tap-dancing. But he winds up busting his "happy gear", which means he can't dance. To make matters worse, they're being interviewed on TV, and Gloomious is watching them, so when he sees this he gets an idea... an awful idea... Gloomious has a wonderful, awful idea...

Curse you, movie, for making me crave cake at 9:16 in the morning.

While Mrs. Polie is finishing up the cake for Zowie's party, Dr. Geary the Gyropractor shows up to help Pappy. He fixes the happy gear, and Pappy can dance again. So, pointless conflict - torpedoed. Let's celebrate with a musical number!

Be warned - once this song enters your head, it will never leave.

I wonder what the mindset was behind making the Polies' house a giant teapot.

Alas, Pappy's happy gear starts acting up again, but all sorts of mail comes in to help fix the problem - a new Happy Gear, a can of oil, etc. None of it seems to work, though. At least until they try the hyperactive giggling pickle (yes, that's in the movie. I did not make that up).

Gloomious' minions drop off another rocket at the house, and when they open it up, out pops a tiny storm cloud that zaps Pappy with lightning and messes up his happy gear once again. Why don't they just use the pickle again? It worked the first time.

Instead, Olie decides that they have to get the silly ray back - then they can just ZAP Pappy back to being happy. Or, y'know, just use the pickle again. But considering that Gloomious' minions are sabotaging the party, culminating in them sending Zowie and Pappy flying away with a giant balloon, maybe it'd just be easier to take down Gloomious once and for all.

"Ground control to Major Tom..."

Mr. and Mrs. Polie hop into their flying car (which looks suspiciously similar to the one George Jetson drives) and go after Pappy and Zowie. They'd better hurry, because Gloomious' minions are on their tail. Eventually, Pappy and Zowie wind up floating right into the clutches of Gloomious, and thanks to his minions' messing with a directional signpost, Mr. and Mrs. Polie are sucked into a wormhole - which, amusingly, is actually shaped like a worm.

Olie, Billy and Spot head into space themselves in a rocket ship they've constructed, followed by Uncle Gizmo on his flying motorcycle. Olie, Billy and Spot make it into Gloomious' ship, and when Gloomious is all "You aren't going anywhere!" Olie reveals their secret weapon - the hyperactive giggling pickle!

"NO, PLEASE, I'M ALLERGIC TO PICKLES!"

While Gloomious is dealing with the pickle, they manage to swipe back the silly ray and fix Pappy for the third time. Everybody heads home, including Mr. and Mrs. Polie who finally make it out of that wormhole. Birthday party time!

So, the day is saved, Gloomious is defeated, Zowie has a great birthday... but wouldn't you know it, the film STILL isn't over. Gloomious has now decided to PULL THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT OLIE LIVES ON TO THE GALAXY OF GLOOM. Dude, know when to throw in the towel. Fortunately, he pulls the planet by a little green planet where two... alien robots, I guess, called the Littlegreens live, so Olie calls them up to ask them if they know what's going on.

Oh, look, there's a beautiful full Gloomius Maximus head in the nights sky...
wait a minute.

Next, Olie calls up the Spaceboy Hotline, but Spaceboy's busy at the moment. So then Mr. Polie gets the idea to pull the planet back to its original spot with his car and Uncle Gizmo's motorcycle. Unfortunately, Gloomious' ship is much more powerful. Fortunately, Spaceboy and Spacedog see what's going on and fly over to help Mr. Polie and Uncle Gizmo. Unfortunately, Gloomious manages to knock Mr. Polie and Uncle Gizmo out by pelting them with bowling balls. Fortunately, the planet that the land on is the very same planet that Willy and Wally Jolly call home. Huzzah!

How does a robot grow a mustache?

The effects of the Galaxy of Gloom are already taking effect, and the Polies are starting to turn into a bunch of Eeyores. But then they get a call from Spaceboy, who tells them that they need more turbo power. Then Mrs. Polie gives Olie another idea - if they get Gloomious' happy gear going again, maybe his heart would grow three sizes. In the meantime, Mrs. Polie and Pappy enlist the help of everyone in Polieville to get the planet away from the Galaxy of Gloom, and Olie and Zowie enlist the help of various Polieville kids to act silly so the energy refibulator can add more silliness to the silly ray. Once it's nice and silly, they give the ray to Pappy just as he's about to take off into outer space.

So now it's basically a tug-of-war for the planet Polie.

If a planet actually WERE pulled to another location in the galaxy, would the clouds
come with it? I legitimately have no idea, I'm not a science expert...

"Cheer up, Gloomious!" Olie says, channeling his inner action movie hero, as he, Billy, and Zowie arrive in Gloomious' ship with the silly ray. Gloomious threatens to suck the fun out of Billy if they don't hand over the ray, but Billy urges Olie to blast him with as many bubbles as possible. Gloomious is overwhelmed, and despite his best efforts winds up being scrubbed of all gloomy thoughts. He even starts LAUGHING, and agrees to let the Polie planet go.

Then Zowie invites Gloomious to her birthday party, and - I know I already made this joke, but it fits the situation perfectly - Gloomious' heart grows three sizes. Or rather, his happy gear starts working. He's so happy he starts singing.

The movie ends with everybody dancing in a conga line to the moon. Make up your own joke here, I've got nothing.

What's the Verdict?

I'm glad I rewatched this. It's hardly Oscar-worthy, but it's a fun little movie. My only complaint is that it's needlessly long. There's a lot of padding that could have easily been taken out - like, did we need to be tricked into thinking that Pappy's happy gear was fixed TWICE before it got messed up again? Also, the songs were kind of weak. Still, it has everything that makes the show good - likeable characters, decent animation, and a cheeryness about it that, in today's more bitter and cynical world, is desperately needed. If you have kids, show 'em Rolie Polie Olie - start with the show, then this movie. They'll probably like it. As for the OTHER Rolie Polie Olie movie, The Baby Bot Chase, we'll look at it another time.

This review is brought to you by... a stick.

It's a stick. You can go outside and find one. And there's so many things you can do with a stick! You can poke things with it, you can feed a beaver with it, you can throw it for your dog to fetch... look, not EVERY review on this blog can be brought to you by something funny.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Danny Phantom"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Danny Phantom is one of the most, if not THE most, popular Nickelodeon shows of the 2000s. It certainly seems to be the most well-liked of Butch Hartman's shows as well. What are MY thoughts on it?

Well, I... think I watched one episode with the sound off. I might've watched another one at some point, I don't know. I knew the theme song at least. I saw ads.

Yeah, sorry. I was never a huge Danny Phantom fan. I generally prefer comedic cartoons to action-based ones. I'm sure shows like Young Justice and Avatar are just as great as everyone makes them out to be, I've always just been more into comedy. Or maybe I just wasn't watching Nickelodeon when they happened to be airing an episode of the show (this was the pre-TiVo era, so you either had to watch it when it was on or wait for a DVD or iTunes release).

Okay, so what is Danny Phantom about? The theme song explains the show's premise: Danny Fenton (voiced by David Kaufman) is a fourteen-year-old boy living in the town of Amity Park. One day, his ghost hunter parents Jack (voiced by Rob Paulsen) and Maddie Fenton (voiced by Kath Souice) built a machine called the Ghost Portal to bridge the human world and the Ghost Zone, a world populated by ghosts. It didn't work. When Danny went inside the Ghost Portal, he inadvertently pressed the "ON" button and it infused his DNA with ectoplasm. Now Danny has ghost powers! He can walk through walls, turn invisible, possess people, all that stuff. And when you get cool powers, what else can one do with them than protect humanity from evil? Problem is, most of his town is afraid of ghosts, so he has to keep his identity and ghost powers secret.

Danny even appeared on boxes of Cap'n Crunch. Even SpongeBob never did THAT...
probably because he had his own cereal.

Has there ever been a superhero with ghost powers before? I'm sure there was and some huge Marvel or DC fan will tell me about it in the comments section of this post. But still, this is a really cool idea for a cartoon show, so I'm not surprised it became such a hit.

The first episode of Danny Phantom aired after the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards on April 3rd, 2004. Alas, a huge fanbase didn't stop Nickelodeon from basically sabotaging it, giving the third season an erratic airing schedule and then cancelling it outright in 2007. Fans organized petitions and small organizations to get the show renewed, but Nickelodeon would not be swayed. The good news is, the whole series was released on DVD in 2014, and you can watch episodes on Paramount Plus and Apple TV if you have either of those streaming services.

I suppose I might as well do my part to help raise awareness of the show, even if I wind up not liking it. I suppose I probably should've saved this review for the Halloween season since it's about ghosts, but nah, I'll post it now. We'll be watching the third episode of the show, "One of a Kind", to see if Danny Phantom lives up to the hype or if... uh, insert ghost joke here.

The episode starts off with Danny fighting the Box Ghost, one of his most popular and least threatening recurring bad guys. His shtick is that he has "power over all containers cardboard and square". He's also voiced by Rob Paulsen doing sort of a fusion of Carl Wheezer and Mark Chang, which automatically makes him an amusing character.

I wonder if he's related to that crazy box-obsessed guy from Channel Umptee-3.

Danny, for obvious reasons, does not take the Box Ghost very seriously. Especially not when he has his best friends Sam and Tucker to help him. For those unfamiliar with the show, Sam (voiced by Grey DeLisle-Griffin) is a goth obsessed with protecting the environment who may or may not have been intended to be Danny's love interest (though this doesn't stop most folks online from shipping him with every other female cartoon character in existence... seriously, check out DeviantArt if you don't believe me). And Tucker (voiced by Rickey Collins) is a techno-geek who thinks that chicks dig him but is wrong. Basically, they're this show's equivalent of Jake Long's two friends.

"Good night, everybody!" Tucker says, apparently believing that he's Yakko Warner, before he opens a magic thermos that sucks the Box Ghost inside. Good guys: 1, Box Ghost: zilch.

"Phenomenal cosmic powers... itty-bitty living space."

Danny complains that Sam and Tucker aren't very focused for superhero sidekicks. Sam is supposed to be helping him study for a big test tomorrow and Tucker is supposed to be helping him catch ghosts so he HAS time to study. So, he's studying and fighting ghosts at the same time? Woof, talk about multitasking.

Then Tucker demonstrates that maybe Danny SHOULDN'T be taking him on his ghostbusting missions by dropping the thermos, which releases all of the ghosts. Or at least all of the balding sharp-toothed business suit-wearing ones.

Way to go, Tucker. Now some office building is going to be haunted.

Little does Danny know that he's being watched. Say hello to Skulker (Matthew St. Patrick), a ghost who's obsessed with hunting other ghosts for sport. And when he sees the half-human half-ghost being that is Danny, he decides that he'd make an excellent addition to his collection.

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting my own kind. Huhuhuhuhuhuh..."

We get a look at Skulker's "collection", and honestly, I'm beginning to wonder how exactly ghosts work in this world. You have the Box Ghost and those ghosts we just saw flowing out of the thermos, who looked like transparent blue-skinned humans. But then you have these ghosts, which are green and look like residents of Monstropolis. Heck, Skulker's pretty different-looking from the other ghosts too. He looks like a skeleton with green flames for hair.

According to TV Tropes, Butch Hartman claimed that the ghosts in Danny Phantom aren't the spirits of once-living people, but rather monsters from another dimension who create backstories for themselves because they want to be human. This just raises further questions.

Are these guys the ghosts of ALIENS? Did Skulker fly to Mars to capture these guys?

The next day, while Danny and his parents are having breakfast, in runs his big sister Jazz (Colleen O'Shaughnessey) excited about how "they said yes". "Who said 'yes'? The person you asked if you were a conceited snob?" Danny asks. Nope, a magazine that Jazz wrote a letter to asking if they could put Maddie on the cover: Genius Magazine, made FOR women geniuses BY women geniuses. The perfect magazine, Jazz claims, to prove to everyone that she has "normal" parents instead of "ghost-hunting freaks".

Jack and Maddie don't seem too annoyed by their daughter calling them freaks. Instead, Jack takes out a new device called the Ghost Gabber, which takes the mysterious sounds that ghosts make and translate them into English. For example, "Boo!" is translated into "I am a ghost. Fear me." Neat, huh? As for the magazine, Jack and Maddie believe that they should BOTH be on the cover. After all, they're a team. "The world needs to know that the Fentons are a family of geniuses!" Jack declares.

"I bought a giant American flag just so I could pose in front of it at random! Even when what
we're talking about doesn't really have anything to do with the United States!"

When Danny heads to his school, Casper High (get it? CASPER?), he discovers that he got a D on his most recent test. All of the ghost-hunting is taking away from his study time. "So much for the Fentons being a family of geniuses!" Tucker quips, presumably because he felt like being a tool. Sam suggests that he do an extra credit biology assignment to boost his grade, such as a report on the extremely rare purple-back gorilla (scientific name Magillius Violetstainonitsbackius).

It's got white fur... I think now we know what species of gorilla Bubba from Chop Socky
Chooks is!

According to Sam, the purple-back gorilla is extremely rare. There are only two left in existence, both of them male, so I guess the only chance of saving the species is for at least one of them to be set free, meet another gorilla that doesn't have white fur or a purple back, and hope that the babies take after their father. Danny tells Sam that he doesn't have time for extra credit or Sam's animal rights agendas, but Tucker says that he just needs to learn how to manage his time better.

"I've decided to become your time manager. It's the least I can do after Sam made me let all those ghosts out," Tucker continues. "It'll be my job to keep track of your schedule so you can do your schoolwork AND catch all those ghosts that Sam let loose." You see, the joke is that it was actually Tucker's own stupidity that led to the ghosts escaping from the thermos.

And now Sam's making an angry expression because Tucker is acting like it's all
her fault. Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck.

Danny, Sam and Tucker run out of the library, and as soon as they do, Skulker shows up and takes a look at the computer and the image of the purple-back gorilla on the screen. Some poor kid makes the mistake of asking Skulker if he's finished with the computer, and winds up like this:

"AUGH! I'VE GOT TASTY PASTE IN MY EYES!"

After school, Danny and his compadres head to the Amity Park Zoo, where one of the purple-back gorillas, Sampson, is conveniently living. Sam makes them spend six hours watching the gorilla scratch its butt because she thinks they'll eventually find something out about it that nobody's ever learned. Instead, Danny and Tucker wind up falling asleep - and cuddling, too, which prompts Sam to take a photo of them because she thinks it's funny. Never would've suspected that Sam was a homophobe.

Sam thinks people being gay is funny, huh? Did she go on to write for Lilo and Stitch: The
Series?

Sam goes to the gorilla's enclosure, and it attempts to tell her that there's something going on in the nearby tiger exhibit. Unfortunately, Sam doesn't speak gorilla and thinks it's trying to tell her that it wants out. So she runs over to the big button that opens the door to its cage... I don't know why the zoo just has such a button out in the open, seems like that's just asking for trouble... and frees the majestic beast. Alas, by that point Skulker has already beaten up the poor tiger and trapped it in a net, but he is no match for the raw power that a purple-back gorilla possesses.

"CALL ME 'DONKEY KONG' ONE MORE TIME! I DARE YOU!"

This is, quite possibly, the most awesome part of the entire episode, mainly because it's always cool seeing an animal triumph over an evil person. Eventually, the gorilla sends Skulker flying into the tower where Danny and Tucker are having their cuddling session, but before he can get his filthy hands on Danny (is it possible for a ghost to have filthy hands? I'm not sure), the gorilla shows up again and scares him off.

Danny and Tucker wake up screaming - both because of the gorilla and because they're hugging each other. But guess what? There's nothing wrong with two males hugging each other.

"...don't move. There's a big hairy spider crawling towards us."

"I'm going ghost!" Danny says, transforming into Danny Phantom (a registered trademark of Nickelodeon!) and then lifting up the gorilla and carrying it back to its enclosure. Then he and Tucker start chewing out Sam for letting the gorilla out, only for Sam to take out the photo of them cuddling to shut them up.

The next day, an interviewer from Genius Magazine pays a visit to the Fenton household. To Jazz's dismay, all Jack and Maddie want to talk about is ghost hunting... I guess the majority of people in this world don't believe in ghosts. Danny, Sam, and Tucker show up, and when Maddie sees how disheveled Danny looks she says that she doesn't quite think she likes this "overnight zoo research". What does she think Danny is doing, mating with the wolverines?

"So, from what I can gather, you two are ghost hunters and your son is a Furry? Is your
daughter the only normal one in this family?"

Danny heads upstairs, opens the door to his room, and finds... Skulker standing in the doorway! How did he find out where Danny lived? Maybe he checked the phone book, I don't know. He traps Danny in a net and drags him into his room. Oh, no, how will Danny get out of this? We'll just have to see... right after a word from our sponsor!