Did You Know? - Fun Facts About the "Shrek" Franchise

Hellooooooooooooo, all you animation fanatics out there! Welcome to the first edition of a series that I like to call Did You Know?. Inspired a little by the Nostalgia Critic's "What You Never Knew" series, this series will allow me to share with you some interesting tidbits, behind-the-scenes information, and fun facts about an animated movie or TV series. Because I like sharing new information with people.

And for the first edition of Did You Know?, I thought it'd be a good idea to dive into what was at one point one of DreamWorks' most popular franchises - Shrek.

As I've said before, when the very first Shrek film was released in 2001, people loved it. It won an Academy Award, it got critical acclaim, it made mucho moolah at the box office, it was a smash hit. And then in 2004, Shrek 2 was released, and everybody loved THAT movie too. Many consider it to be even better than the first one. And then Shrek the Third came out in 2007. I don't know what went wrong with Shrek the Third, but very few people liked it, and people started to become bored with the franchise. Shrek Forever After was unceremoniously released in 2010 as a way to cap off the franchise (there was originally going to be a fifth film, but... well, just read this article), then the year after that they released a spinoff film starring fan favorite character Puss in Boots, and since then the franchise has basically become a punchline. In recent years, the films (at least the first two ones) have regained a bit of popularity as memes have begun to spawn on the internet, and in 2016 it was announced that a FIFTH movie was in production, initially planned for a 2019 release. I'm writing this article in 2020, and we still haven't gotten said fifth film, but it's still in development, along with a sequel to the aforementioned Puss in Boots movie.

Soooooooooo... Shrek. What are some things that you may or may not have known about the franchise? Well, you probably already know that Chris Farley was originally cast as the voice of Shrek, and that there was a Broadway musical based on the first film. You probably already know that the film is Jeffery Katzenberg's middle finger towards Disney, complete with Lord Farquaad being designed to resemble Michael Eisner. Heck, you probably already know that it was based on a book. But did you know THESE things?

1) When Steven Spielberg bought the rights to the book back in 1991, he pitched the film as a hand-drawn production at his animation company, Amblin Entertainment. His original choices for the roles of Shrek and Donkey were Bill Murray and Steve Martin respectively.

2) They also briefly considered making the film a live action/CGI hybrid, or being done with motion capture.

3) Mike Myers originally recorded Shrek's dialogue in an American accent. When he was shown a rough cut of the film in 2000, he got the idea to give Shrek a Scottish accent and asked if he could re-record the dialogue - his mindset was that, since Lord Farquaad has an English accent, he felt that a "working-class" accent like a Scottish accent would help create a good contrast between Shrek and Farquaad. "I thought, well, Scottish people are fantastic at being super-happy and then super-mad," he said in an interview. "And I thought, that's an ogre!"

Concept art of Shrek and Donkey.

4) Before Mike Myers got the part, Nicholas Cage was offered the role of Shrek. He turned it down because he didn't want to play an ugly green ogre. In a 2013 interview, he clarified, "I'm not afraid to be ugly in a movie. When you're drawn, in a way it says more about how children are going to see you than anything else, and so I care about that."

5) Janeane Garofalo was originally supposed to voice Fiona, but she was replaced by Cameron Diaz.

6) A few members of the film's development team actually took mud showers like Shrek does at the beginning of the first film in order to study the movement of mud. The film's art director, Douglas Rogers, also visited a magnolia plantation in South Carolina for research (and wound up getting chased out by an alligator).

7) Chris Farley's version of Shrek was a tad different than Mike Myers' version. For one thing, he had hair. And let me tell you, seeing Shrek with hair was really jarring when I first saw this concept art.

More concept art of Shrek and Donkey. Note the mop of brown hair on
Shrek's head.

But on top of that, he was also going to be a teenaged ogre who didn't want to go into the family business of scaring people. He wanted to become a knight and help people. According to screenwriter Ted Elliott, "It was like 'Shrek the Friendly Ogre', where he goes up to people and says 'Hey, wanna be friends?' And everybody goes 'Aaaaah! An ogre!' And then he walks away with his head down, and his shoulders slumped. That was one of our hardest battles, to [convince the studio] that people don't think Shrek is an ogre simply because he's ugly; being ugly is simply an aspect of being an ogre, but we tried to keep him from being interpreted as just another nice guy. His character had to be somewhat ogre-ish; we always said that because the point of view of the movie is on Shrek, you read him as the hero. But if the point of view had been over the shoulder of any other character, except the donkey, he would have been an ogre. That was how it had to work."

The other screenwriter, Terry Rossio, added, "Our approach was also inspired by the fact, that if you take an ogre and put him in the lead and make him the hero, you've already overturned one of the main conventions of fairy tales, and we felt that's what's cool about this. You can actually do a comic fantasy where all those conventions that you're familiar with are going to be messed with... Shrek is a person who thinks he's just fine, but the world rejects him. How does he deal with that? Well, he decides he doesn't need the world. That's an inappropriate response to his accurate assessment of himself."

8) Mike initially didn't know that Chris Farley was originally cast as Shrek. In a 2014 interview with Marc Maron's podcast, he said, "I was working on [the movie] and I looked at the Marquette of Shrek, you know, the little clay model that they make, and I said, 'Was this offered to Farley? It looks like Chris Farley.'"

9) In addition to Shrek, Mike Myers also voices one of the Three Blind Mice.

10) Which fairy tale character is Donkey supposed to represent? Some online have theorized that he might be one of the boy's from Pinocchio who made the mistake of going to Pleasure Island. Others have suggested that maybe he's the donkey from the Town Musicians of Bremen.

11) According to concept artist Rubin Hickman, the directors and artists couldn't agree on how they wanted the movie to look for a while. The directors wanted a more whimsical Wizard of Oz-inspired look, and the artists wanted a darker, edgier style - more like an underground comic. For a while, they went with the latter, but after an animation test that Jeffrey Katzenberg hated they decided on a middle ground of sorts. "A dark color scheme was not going to go over in a mass audience the way that Shrek did," Rubin explained.

12) Shrek takes the Mickey (no pun intended) out of Disney so much that DreamWorks was worried they might get sued. To avoid any potential lawsuits, they screened the movie for both their lawyers and Disney's. They managed to avoid getting sued, but some Radio Disney affiliates refused to let DreamWorks buy airtime to promote the film.

There's actually a pretty funny picture in the book Shrek: The Art of the Quest
that I wanted to put here. It's a sketch of Shrek dressed as Mickey Mouse
cheerfully saying, "I'm branded!"

But I couldn't find that picture online, so have this billboard instead.

13) In the original script, Fiona was BORN an ogre to the King and Queen of Duloc, hence them locking her in a tower. She was to escape and encounter a witch named Bib Fortuna (just like the Star Wars character) who gave her a potion that turns her into a human during the day but turns her back into an ogre when the sun sets. Then she would've been whisked away back to her tower by the Dragon. In the movie, it's never explained just WHY, exactly, Fiona changes back and forth between an ogre and a human (I subscribe to the theory that the Fairy Godmother did it).

Apparently, Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio had to fight to get the "Fiona turns into an ogre" plotline into the movie. Initially, the higher-ups felt that shapeshifting didn't belong in fairy tales. According to Ted Elliot, "We said, 'Wait, did you not see The Little Mermaid, did you not see Beauty and the Beast?' The other thing we did in the screenplay was we described the princess's other self as being 'furry' or 'hairy'. All we wanted was her 'ugly self' to be uniquely ugly to her, to not be a female version of Shrek but to be a unique version of herself, as unique as her human appearance was." The way they got everyone else to stop objecting to the plotline? Say that instead of a shapeshifting princess, Fiona was an ENCHANTED princess.

14) Donkey was inspired by a real donkey in the Barron Park neighborhood of Palo Alto, California. His name is Perry.

15) A deleted scene has Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey taking a trip through the Seven Dwarfs' Mine, which featured references to Disney Parks attractions Pirates of the Caribbean, the Matterhorn Bobsleds, and the Country Bear Jamboree. Another deleted scene was to take place after the tournament, with Farquaad explaining the quest to Shrek and showing him his desire to turn Duloc into a more "modern" city with convenience stores and mini-malls.

16) In the Norwegian dub of the film, Shrek isn't an ogre but rather a troll. Similarly, the Swedish dub makes him a "swamp troll".

17) Speaking of Norwegian dubs, the Norwegian dub of Shrek 2 replaces the gag of Donkey singing "Rawhide" with an old Norwegian song a la "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" about how many people it takes to pull a root out of the ground. Eventually, he gets to several hundred people... just before messing up the lyrics and forgetting where he was in the song. Then he says, "Oh, well. I'll take it from the top!"

More early concept art.

18) Shrek's line "You're going the right way for a smacked bottom!" was improvised by Mike Myers.

19) Shrek and The Prince of Egypt were in production at the same time. According to one animator, if you failed on The Prince of Egypt, you were punished by being forced to work on Shrek. This was known as being "Shreked".

20) Monsieur Hood is voiced by Vincent Cassel. He also provided the voices of Diego in the French dub of Ice Age and Rodney Copperbottom in the French dub of Robots.

21) I said earlier that Jeffrey Katzenberg wanted the film to be his middle finger towards Disney (he suggested having the information booth take Shrek and Donkey's photo after the "It's a Small World" parody), but that might not have been Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio's intent. "For [the scenes in Duloc], I think people are looking at the narrative and judging intent. It is an amusement park, but we knew that people would assign it to Disneyland, and that's what happened," Ted Elliot said. "But people have decided the intent was to rip Disney - if we had wanted to rip Disney, the movie would have been way too mean and dark. I think it would have been distasteful. There are jokes, but I think they're very affectionate for the source material. I think people are ascribing Jeffrey Katzenberg's relationship with Michael Eisner to what is going on in Shrek, and that's unfair."

22) As for whether or not Farquaad is modeled after Michael Eisner, Ted Elliot claimed, "All I can say is, Farquaad's character was created as an antagonist to Shrek's character. You have a misanthropic antihero with no regard for social niceties, so the best antagonist for that is the perfectionist who is all about appearance. In dealing with some of the themes of prejudice, this is the one that seems obvious to me: Farquaad's a self-hating dwarf! He is a fairy tale creature who is driving out fairy tale creatures. He is not acknowledging his own fairy-taleness. In my mind, that's a more interesting aspect to Farquaad. People say, 'Why is he short?' He's short because he's a fairy tale creature who thinks he's Prince Charming, he thinks he's the hero who looks like Tom Cruise. He's not!"

23) For a while, Gingy the Gingerbread Man wound up becoming a mascot of sorts for Wal-Mart, appearing in ads for the store. For whatever reason, in these ads he was given pupils, which looked very creepy.

24) Remember Little Red Riding Hood's appearance in the montage at the beginning of Shrek 2? That was originally supposed to appear near the beginning of the first film, but it was removed because they thought having Shrek scare Little Red Riding Hood might make him come off as unlikable. And that's not the only thing that was recycled for the sequel - originally, instead of giving Shrek the deed to his swamp after he delivers Fiona to him, Farquaad was going to double-cross Shrek and throw him in the dungeon. Donkey would enlist the help of the fairy tale characters to break him out. They felt that this scene, while funny, was slowing down the picture and nobody really wanted to see more of the fairy tale characters when they could be watching Shrek and Fiona, so they cut it.

25) The "Happily Ever After" potion affects both the drinker and the drinker's true love. So what did Dragon turn into when Donkey drank the potion and became a stallion? Apparently, a deleted scene was going to reveal that she became a big pink pegasus.

26) During the scene in Shrek 2 where Puss in Boots is drinking milk in a bar, look closely and you'll see a curly-haired bull on the bottle of milk next to him. That bull is a caricature of Puss' voice actor, Antonio Banderas.

27) Spoiler alert - it turns out that King Harold, Fiona's father, is actually the Frog Prince, as revealed at the end when he saves Shrek and the Fairy Godmother turns him back into a frog. Harold is voiced by John Cleese, who years earlier voiced a frog in The Swan Princess named Jean-Bob, who believes himself to be royalty. Probably just a coincidence, but who knows?

28) Artie from Shrek the Third was supposed to reappear in Shrek Forever After, but they weren't able to get Justin Timberlake back.

29) Remember the Poison Apple bar from Shrek 2? It pops up again in Shrek Forever After - it's now a Chuck E. Cheese-esque tavern called the Happy Apple. Which admittedly isn't as clever of a name.

30) Jennifer Saunders and Rupert Everett, the voices of Shrek 2's villains the Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming, both auditioned to voice Disney villains. Jennifer auditioned to voice Ursula in The Little Mermaid and Rupert auditioned to voice Gaston in Beauty and the Beast (he didn't get the part because the producers didn't think he sounded arrogant enough. He remembered this when he voiced Prince Charming).

31) Shrek actually makes a cameo in at least one other DreamWorks film, Monsters vs. Aliens. General Monger wears a pin of the ogre's head on the right side of his chest. Shrek is also mentioned in the follow-up Halloween special, Monsters vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins From Outer Space.

32) A whole new computer animation program had to be created to animate Puss in Boots' fur.

33) This exists:

Thank you for joining me in this first edition of Did You Know?. If you already knew any of these things, then I'm afraid that I can't refund the time you spent reading this post. Sorry.

Let's Watch This - "Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild" (2005)

Many years ago, E.B. White went to sleep in a railway sleeping car, and he had a dream... a dream about "a tiny boy who acted rather like a rat". And thus, he decided to write a book called Stuart Little, about a mouse born to human parents. But let's be honest here, when you think of Stuart Little you don't think of this:

No, no, you think of THIS:

That's how Stuart looks in the 1999 movie adaptation of the book, featuring the voice of Michael J. Fox as Stuart alongside Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis, Jonathan Lipnicki, and Nathan Lane as the voice of the family cat, Snowbell. It received positive reviews and made a decent amount of money at the box office, so in 2002, a sequel was released. Stuart Little 2 got good reviews, but ended up flopping.

Then in 2005, they released the third movie - Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild. This one is animated. In CGI. By Mainframe Entertainment (you know, the guys that made ReBoot). The film wasn't released in theaters, but they were able to get Michael J. Fox to reprise his role as Stuart. And honestly, I think it's for the best that this was a direct-to-video release, because this film has "BOX OFFICE BOMB" written all over it. Why do I say that? Well, let's get started...

The film begins on a dark night in the forest. In all of his cel-shaded CGI glory, we see Stuart fighting a demon bear with glowing red eyes. Uhhhh... OKAY.

Finally, the Brave/Ratatouille crossover that we've all been waiting for!

Well, actually, that's not what's REALLY happening... actually, Stuart is in his basement, pretending to battle a wind-up toy. Which explains why the bear looked like a bad animatronic. I thought it was just a result of the bad CGI, but nope, it's because it IS a bad animatronic.

So Stuart and his family are apparently going on vacation to a cabin in the woods. Snowbell the cat (Kevin Schon) isn't looking forward to it. "Don't you hear the call of the wild?" Stuart asks him. "It's in the title of the movie, so I had to use the phrase 'call of the wild' at least ONCE." "I hate to burst your bubble, Daniel Boob," Snowbell replies (how did that joke get past the censors?), "But it's dangerous out there. And the closest YOU'VE ever been to the woods is the occasional whiff of pine air freshener." Stuart insists that he has "instinctive natural abilities". "I mean, after all, I am somewhat like a mouse." Yes, like how Shrek is "somewhat like" an ogre, or how Snoopy is "somewhat like" a dog, or how Donald Trump is "somewhat like" an ugly blowhard.

Yes, I'm still making jokes about Donald Trump. This mainly stems from the fact that A) he's an easy target, B) he likely does not read this blog, and C) even if he did, what's he gonna do, fire me?

He's actually only fifty-percent mouse. He's also ten-percent rat, twenty-percent chinchilla,
fifteen-percent wombat, and five percent chipmunk.

Stuart is confident that this summer, he's gonna prove to his parents (Hugh Laurie and Geena Davis) that he can take care of himself. After Stuart gets in the car, Snowbell's idiot cat friend Monty (Rino Romano) shows up and mocks Snowbell over the fact that he's going camping. "Now you're gonna have to rough it just like the rest of us, Mr. Fancy-Pants," he says.

And people say that Chicken Little had bad animation? I know the animators were doing
their best with the limited technology they had in 2005, but still, yeesh...

In order to get Monty off his back, Snowbell claims that they're not going camping but rather to a fancy resort called the "Hartz Mountain Resort and Spa". It's got all the things a cat needs to be happy: an all-you-can-eat kibble buffet, whisker waxing, paw-dicures, tail grooming, 24-hour Animal Planet... anything a cat would consider awesome. Monty is all "Can I come?" to which Snowbell is all "No, 'cause the Littles don't want you around. Bug off."

So the Littles leave the poorly-rendered New York City...

I've seen better graphics in iPad apps.

...and drive in their poorly-rendered car to Lake Garland. Stuart has done some research, and he's discovered that they have a group called the "Lake Scouts". They go rock-climbing, boating, exploring, stuff like that. He wants to join. His mother thinks it's too dangerous for a mouse, but his father thinks it might do him some good. And he'll be there, too, watching him every step of the way. And George (Corey Padnos) can join, too, but he's not too keen on the idea because he wants to play his stupid video game. Oh, great, we're getting one of THOSE stories... you know, the ones about the technology-obsessed kid learning to be one with nature or whatever. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Here's a fun fact: George's voice actor here, Corey Padnos, also did the voice of Linus
in a couple of Peanuts specials.

We get a lousy song as they keep driving until they reach their cabin, which looks like crap. And not just because of the low-quality animation, it's actually pretty run-down. Soon Stuart, Snowbell and George are sitting by the lake, with Stuart being all "The great outdoors is awesome!" and Snowbell being all "I hate it here!" and George still playing that video game. But they're not alone for long! Hiding in a tree is a skunk named Reeko who smells the sandwich supplies they've got with them and attempts to channel Yogi Bear.

"I'm smarter than the a-ver-age skunk!"

However, they don't notice the skunk. But what they DO notice is a young girl voiced by Tara Strong paddling over in a canoe. Her name is Brooke, and it's pretty obvious that George has a crush on her. She warns them to be careful with their cat, because otherwise the ferocious cat-eating Beast will get him. Personally, I'm just holding out hope that this "Beast" turns out to be this guy:

After Brooke paddles off, Stuart says, "If there IS a beast, it wouldn't stand a chance if I ran into it!" Snowbell leaves so he can find a place to hide from the Beast before it gets a whiff of him, but alas he winds up spotting it - or at least what he THINKS is the Beast - and runs off terrified. But as it turns out, it's not the Beast. It's Monty. He stowed away in the trunk. Snowbell tells him to leave, but then realizes that Monty is a fighter unlike him and therefore could serve as his bodyguard against the Beast and lets him stay.

That night, as Stuart sleeps, in the forest the animals are all lined up to give their droppings (or at least what LOOKS like their droppings) to the Beast. Reeko, who's voiced by Wayne Brady by the way, shows up and he begs a beaver voiced by Charlie Adler to give him some food so he won't become "Beast-chow", but the beaver won't do that. "It's because I'm a SKUNK, isn't it?" Reeko complains. "If you ask me, somebody should teach that Beast a lesson. Just once, just once, I'd like to show that two-bit tyrant the business end of my tail, know what I'm sayin'?" Then he starts doing Kung Fu moves like an idiot.

Oh, so THIS is where they got the idea for Skunk Fu!...

Alas, the Beast is RIGHT BEHIND HIM at the moment, and Reeko nervously offers it a piece of bark while doing an unfunny comedy routine. When that fails, he offers to pay the Beast double next full moon.

Then we cut to George, on the toilet, still playing that game. When he leaves, Snowbell winds up falling into the toilet. Ha ha ha, toilet humor.

After that, Stuart heads out with George and their dad on a hike through the forest. They arrive at the campground of the Lake Scouts, where Troopmaster Bickle (Peter MacNicol) is all tied up because apparently he hasn't mastered the troops yet. Mr. Little is all "Can my boys join?" to which Troopmaster Bickle is all "Sure!" and then Mr. Little is all "Can I join too?" to which Bickle is all, "Okay, you can be my assistant, I'm way in over my head."

It's time for the Skill Assessment Test. First they'll do some canoe-rowing, which proves difficult for Stuart as he struggles to lift an oar. So Mr. Little gives him a smaller canoe with a smaller oar, which works out much better for him... well, until a giant fish shows up.

Live action remake Flounder, no! Don't eat Stuart Little!

Regardless, he makes it to the shore. That night, as they're all gathered around the campfire, the scouts are handed kerchiefs... except Stuart, because he didn't do very well at the canoe-rowing thing despite the fact that it's not his fault a giant fish showed up and screwed it up for him. And Bickle's shoe catches fire. Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

Stuart is bummed, but Mr. Little gives him a pep-talk and then it's time for a montage set to another crappy pop song. Stuart fails at shooting arrows, tying knots, and bridge-crossing. Then the scouts go hiking in the woods... right after Bickle gets bird poop on his head.

Stuart has some difficulty keeping up with the other scouts. Of course, he winds up going over a large waterfall.

Rule of animation: all rivers lead to waterfalls.

I'm guessing that by now you've noticed the main formula for the movie. It's "Stuart wants to be the next Davy Crockett but his small size makes being a scout very very difficult for him."

Now Stuart has been separated from the scouts. He decides to try and find his own way back, but alas, he has no idea where to go. And he winds up stepping on a twig, which attracts the attention of THE BEAST! Cue the dramatic music!

Stuart is starting to get nervous. And as if things couldn't get any worse, then he gets grabbed by Reeko (remember him?) and assumes that he is the Beast. Reeko's all "Yeah, okay, let's go with that. I'm the Beast. Grrr. Be afraid of me."

"No Pepe Le Pew jokes, please."

Reeko acts annoying for a couple minutes, but then he smells something. "Yo..." he says, "Something stinks..." Yes, something does. Perhaps it's this movie.

Actually, it's the Beast, which means that it's chase-sequence time! After they get away from the Beast, Stuart dubs Reeko "awesome", which is Reeko's cue to launch into another unfunny comedy routine. Then we cut back to the scouts. Bickle finds a beehive and tells the scouts that it's abandoned. Because he's an idiot, he decides to prove that it's abandoned by whacking it with a stick. I'll give you one guess what happens next.

They didn't take Bickle's admission that he doesn't like Honey Nut Cheerios well...

Then we cut back to Stuart and Reeko. They see Bickle being, as Reeko puts it, "stung in the butt by a million bees". Stuart catches back up with the scouts, who apparently didn't even notice that he was missing. That night, Stuart and his family roast marshmallows by the campfire. Little do they know that Reeko is there, too, sneaking around and being annoying.

How does Stuart expect to eat that marshmallow when it's practically the size of his head?

The next day, the scouts go hiking again while Stuart goes looking for Reeko. He wants Reeko to teach him all the cool stuff that he can do in the hopes that he'll become a great scout. Reeko initially doesn't think he can do that, but then Stuart offers to pay him and he agrees. Training montage time! And we get to hear Wayne Brady sing! YAY! But he's singing a horrible rap song. I knew there had to be a catch.

After the godawful song, we cut back to Monty. He lets Snowbell know that he's hungry, but Snowbell can't sneak him some cat food because they're out. Mrs. Little tells him that Mr. Little will be back with the groceries... uh, aren't they in the middle of the woods? Where is he gonna find a grocery store?

So Monty decides to head out into the forest and find his OWN food. Snowbell tries to stop him by telling him about the Beast, but Monty doesn't believe him.

Which of these cats is more poorly-rendered? I can't decide...

Then (sigh) we cut back to Reeko. A rabbit reminds him that he promised the Beast that he'd pay it double come the next full moon. And the next full moon is TONIGHT. Cue the dramatic music again. So he finds Stuart and asks him to get some food for him. Stuart agrees, right after he has dinner with them.

So the Littles meet Reeko, and despite being surprised by the fact that there's a skunk about they make the effort to be friendly towards him.

"So, a skunk is having dinner with us... when do the caribou, the platypus, and the beluga
come over for a pajama party?"

And as it turns out, the Littles can understand Reeko... well, at least when he doesn't have his mouth full of food. Though I recall them being able to understand that bird from the second movie, so I guess this isn't much of a surprise. Plus, y'know, they can understand Stuart despite his being a mouse. After dinner, Stuart gives Reeko some food. Reeko is happy that he actually has a friend for the first time in his life.

After Reeko leaves, he realizes that the small bag of food Stuart gave him won't be enough to satisfy the Beast. Then he sees Snowbell sleeping nearby and comes up with a plan. He goes over and tells Snowbell that he's on his way to a party in the clearing right behind those trees, hintidy-hint-hint-hint. "Oh, no! Forget it! There's a vicious cat-eating beast out there!" Snowbell replies. Reeko is all, "Oh, that? The Beast is just a myth! I've never seen it, and I live in the forest so don't you think I would've seen it at least once? And if this beast DID exist, why would the animals be having a party?" This convinces Snowbell, because apparently Snowbell is a massive idiot.

Snowball, you dope.

That night, Stuart wakes up and sees Snowbell sneaking out through the window. "Where's he going?" he murmurs. Then we get another god-awful pop song as Snowbell walks to the place where all the animals are gathered with their offerings to the Beast. Little does he know that Stuart has followed him!

Here are some poorly-rendered rabbits.

Snowbell finds "the Mount Everest of edibles" and decides to chow down, unaware that the Beast is right behind him. Stuart finds him and starts climbing to the top of the big food pile to rescue Snowball, who finally sees the Beast with his own eyes. As it turns out, the Beast is a mountain lion. A poorly-rendered mountain lion.

Isn't it kind of weird that a big cat wants to eat a cat? I mean, not "Donald Duck wanting to
eat a turkey" levels of weird, but still weird...

The Beast grabs Snowbell with its teeth and carries him off to its lair while Stuart runs off to get help. By the time he gets back to the cabin, it's morning. Alas, the parents assume Stuart just had a bad dream and don't believe his story. So he decides to ask George for help.

Cut back to Snowbell and the Beast. The Beast (Virginia Madsen) feels Snowbell's fur and comments on how soft, clean and silky it is. "I have different plans for you..." she purrs. Oh, great, is this going in the direction that I think it's going in? I pray to God that they at least keep it PG... oh, wait, never mind. The Beast doesn't want Snowball - she wants his FUR. For a rug. As it gets cold in her cave in the winter. How the heck does a mountain lion know what a rug is?

In an attempt to distract the Beast, Snowbell suggests that she fatten him up for a while first. That way, she'd have a bigger rug. "More spacious." The Beast likes the idea, and serves him something to eat - mud, worms and bugs. Considering that Snowbell has the voice of Timon, it's kind of fitting, actually...

Don't worry, Snowbell, it's slimy yet satisfying.

Meanwhile, Stuart tries to enlist the help of the scouts to save Snowbell, but alas THEY don't believe him either. Not even Brooke, even though she told Stuart about the Beast in the first place. "That was just an old campfire story," she says. Bickle then decides to be a jerk by taunting Stuart over the fact that he was frightened by a giant fish earlier.

So now it's up to Stuart and Stuart alone. We get a montage of him preparing to go out and save Snowbell accompanied by a bad rock song, then he writes George a note filling him in as to where he's going. To get to the other side of the lake, he enlists the help of the giant fish.

Say, whatever happened to Monty?

The note winds up slipping out of George's video game as he's giving Brooke a hand (which results in another "ooh, look, there's something going on between them" moment). Meanwhile, Stuart tries to get Reeko to help him, but he says, "I'm staying as far away from the Beast as I can." "But you said you don't sweat the Beast," Stuart points out. Oy, now we're doing the Liar Revealed cliche. Huzzah.

"My name's not even Reeko. It's Flower."

Reeko admits that he was lying to Stuart. "I'm just a skunk. A rotten, unpopular, smelly, freeloading skunk," he tells the mouse. "Ask anyone. They'd tell you. I'd never fight the Beast. That was something I just said so... you know... you'd like me." "Well," Stuart says, "I liked you anyway." Then Stuart says that it's his fault Snowbell got taken by the Beast, because he saw him but didn't get to him in time. "Dude, you aren't the one who sent him straight into the jaws of the Beast," Reeko tells him. "Sent him? Wait a minute. What do you mean 'sent him'?" Stuart wants to know. He puts two and two together and figures out that Reeko pretty much sicced the Beast on Snowbell, and he's obviously not happy.

Reeko tries to stop him from going to fight the Beast by telling him that the Beast is a "cruel, heartless monster" and that "she doesn't care about anyone but herself." Stuart's response is, "Then you two must have a lot in common."

Dang. Did Stuart Little just BURN SOMEBODY? I'm not complaining, I'm just... wow. Soft-spoken, kindhearted mouse Stuart Little just gave somebody an epic burn. I gotta admit, I was not expecting that.

"And while I'm at it, your rap song earlier in the movie was awful."

Cut to the scouts playing tug-of-war. One of them lands on the note that Stuart wrote for George. So, yeah. Next scene. We see Stuart walking... and he falls into a hole. And then it's back to the scouts, making me wonder why they even bothered cutting to Stuart in the first place. Mr. Little finds the note... and instead of reading it decides to call out another scout for littering. And then it's back to Stuart. Boy, this movie is really disjointed...

So anyhow, the "hole" that Stuart landed in was actually a giant pawprint. He reaches the cliff where he'll find the Beast's lair and starts climbing. Then we cut to Snowbell begging the Beast for mercy. And then we cut back to the scouts. With all of this jumping around, I'm getting Histeria! flashbacks...

The Littles FINALLY notice that Stuart is missing, but they still don't read the note (mainly because the baby starts chewing on it). Meanwhile, Stuart reaches the Beast's lair and rescues Snowbell. Then the Littles finally and I mean FINALLY find that note and read it. "We've gotta take this search party to the other side of the lake!" Mr. Little exclaims. However, Bickle thinks that's "a bit much" and claims that Stuart's just looking for a little attention, I mean surely there's not REALLY a beast out there, right? Fortunately, Mr. Little tells him to shove it - "If my son says there's a Beast out there, then, by golly, there's a Beast out there." "Yeah! My brother's not a liar!" George adds. Then Brooke says, "What about 'no scout left behind'?" Mrs. Little then decides to take charge in the rescue mission.

Stuart and Snowbell try to sneak out, only to find out that the Beast isn't out there waiting for them. They figure she must have left... but she hasn't. She's right behind them! "Do you know what she wanted to do to my fur?!" Snowbell asks. "I'm reportin' her to PETA!" Alas, then they hear her roaring and it's time for a brief chase sequence.

Poorly-rendered Stuart's teeth are freaking me out...

Once the Beast has them cornered, Stuart says, "Let him go, or I'll let you have it!" And by "let you have it", he means spray salt and pepper in her eyes, which makes her sneeze and fall off the cliff to her doom... oh, wait, spoke too soon, she's still alive. Reeko and the other animals hear her roaring, and they think that Stuart got gobbled up. "Stuart, buddy," Reeko says guiltily, "You were my first real friend and I did you wrong." A beaver then snarks, "Is that Reeko actually thinking about someone else for a change?" Way to ruin the mood, beaver. Reeko then says that he should've had the courage to stand up to the Beast a long time ago, and admits that he was a jerk for mooching off the other animals.

No, seriously, what DID happen to Monty?

Reeko announces that they should go defeat the Beast. Alas, the other animals are too afraid, so Reeko just heads off on his own. Meanwhile, the Beast is catching up to Stuart and Snowbell, but Stuart's got a plan: "We need to start pulling roots, leaves and branches," he says. Snowbell's response is, "We're... landscaping. Forgive me if I'm not overwhelmed with confidence." Stuart's plan is to lure the Beast into a trap, but alas, Snowbell accidentally gives it away and she simply jumps over it. You had ONE JOB, Snowball!

Thankfully, Reeko shows up just as the Beast is about to eat Stuart. "You wanna eat them, you're gonna have to go through ME first!" the skunk snaps. Then the other animals - the beaver, the rabbits, etc. - show up and announce that Reeko's got backup.

Please just defeat her so we can end the movie already.

"TALK TO THE BUTT!" Reeko shouts right before spraying the Beast, as skunks in cartoons are known to do. While she's distracted, Stuart and the animals manage to lure the Beast into another trap. "Your decorating days are done!" Snowbell exclaims as the Beast gets all tangled up. Hooray, she's been defeated!

You know, if you're dumb enough to sneak up on a skunk from behind, you deserve to get
sprayed.

The Littles and the scouts show up and discover that Stuart defeated the Beast (well, technically it was Reeko, but Stuart played a big part in it too, so...). A zoo helicopter comes by to take the Beast away. Stuart finally gets a gold neckerchief, the other scouts think he's awesome, Bickle apologizes for doubting Stuart, and soon it's time for the Littles to head home... but not before Monty finally shows up again. Where has he been? Why, the Hartz Mountain Resort and Spa, of course! He only left because it just closed for the season. Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

Oh, and the little romance between George and Brooke gets a resolution, too - George gives Brooke his video game. And his phone number. And his email address. And Brooke, in return, gives George a kiss. Ah, young love!

Stuart thanks Reeko for all his help, and it turns out that the other animals all like Reeko now. "Funny thing, though..." he says, "I always thought they didn't want me around because I was a skunk. Well, you know, it turns out they didn't want me around because I was a jerk." But all that's changed thanks to Stuart.

So the Littles drive off, and the movie is finally over. Oh, and during the credits we get a reprise of Reeko's horrid rap song. Yay.

Again, I'm sure these graphics looked better in 2005, but nowadays? Yeesh...

I mean no disrespect towards the director, the producer, the writers, or anybody else involved in the film but... boy, was this movie lame. Not only did they manage to make Wayne Brady unfunny (how exactly do you accomplish that?), but it's got other problems. The jokes are painful, the story is weak, Reeko is annoying, and the animation is horrendous. The only good thing about this movie is that Tara Strong is in it. Well, that and Kevin Schon's spot-on Nathan Lane impression, but I already knew about that since I watch a lot of Timon and Pumbaa. Also, the songs stunk (and no, that's not a joke about the fact that one of the main characters is a skunk). Though Stuart is as likable as always, he can't save this movie from being a snorefest. Young kids will probably like it, but unless you're under the age of 12, I wouldn't recommend giving this movie a watch.

Next time on "Let's Watch This", we'll be traveling back in time to the Stone Age for a look at a 1990s cartoon called Cro. But first, I'm going to introduce a new series on my blog...

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Channel Umptee-3"

In 1995, Warner Bros. launched a channel called "The WB".

And with The WB came a kids' block known as (natch) Kids' WB.

The purpose of this block was to have a place for all of the cartoons that Warner Bros. Animation was whipping out at the time. Beloved shows like Animaniacs, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Freakazoid! aired on the block, alongside some lesser-known cartoons that nowadays tend to be brought up only when talking about incredibly underrated cartoons. I've already talked about Road Rovers, Loonatics Unleashed, and Histeria! on this blog, but let me name a few other cartoons that aired on this block for you: Invasion America? World of Quest? Waynehead? Any of these shows ringing a bell?

How about Channel Umptee-3? Remember THAT show?

Channel Umptee-3 first aired on the channel in 1997, a show designed to teach children "the wonders of everyday things". It focused on an ostrich voiced by Rob Paulsen, a mole, and a snail driving around in a van and broadcasting their very own television station. Thirteen episodes were made until The WB gave the show the axe. Since then only FOUR EPISODES of the show have been found online, and if you want to watch them you have to go to the Internet Archive. It didn't even get any VHS or DVD releases.

What did the show do to deserve this? Well, rumor has it that executives at The WB were enraged by the show's depicting TV executives as villains - and since it was produced by Columbia Tristar Television as opposed to Warner Bros. Animation, if they cancelled the show there was no risk of ticking off Warner Bros. Animation and as a result them refusing to make any more cartoons for the network, so... yeah.

Today, we're going to watch an episode of Channel Umptee-3 - "The Weather Show" - and see if it's any good. Let's begin!

The episode begins with Ogden the Ostrich (Rob Paulsen, as I've previously mentioned) welcoming the viewers to Channel Umptee-3. He looks less like an ostrich and more like somebody put the head of the Road Runner on the body of Foghorn Leghorn. I know, I know, it's a cartoon, I can't expect the ostrich to look super-realistic, but still...

Ogden exclaims that today, they're going to do a whole show about... KITES. Yeah. Methinks this will be a pretty boring episode.

"Channel Umptee-3 is brought to you by General Mills' Cocoa Puffs. I'm cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs!"

Then Sheldon the snail (David Paymer) appears and comments that it's great how Ogden is actually sticking to the topic that they've prepared for the show instead of randomly switching to another one as he usually does. "I mean, we start out with something like kites, and that reminds you of TIGHTS, and pretty soon we're doing a whole show about JAPAN!" he complains.

Please don't question why Sheldon has arms despite being a snail.

He's also rather big for a snail. Maybe he's a mutant or something?

Suddenly, it starts to rain, and for whatever reason Sheldon assumes that Ogden caused it despite the fact that Ogden is not to my knowledge some sort of wizard who can change the weather with his mystical powers and starts chasing him around. Then we get the show's unbelievably catchy theme song, where Ogden provides some backstory for the show: "I used to keep my head in the cold, dark ground, until I pulled it out and took a look around, you know, it's unbelievable the stuff I found, because it's right there in front of your face! The world is a magical place!" Thus, he suggested to Sheldon that they start a TV station. However, they have an enemy in the form of an old dude named Stickley (Jonathan Harris) who's the president of a corporation that produces boxes. He hates Channel Umptee-3 because it encourages people to take things out of boxes and look at them in a new way. And that's a threat to his business, so in typical cartoon villain fashion he near-constantly comes up with schemes to take down Ogden, Sheldon, and the aforementioned mole, Holey Moley.

After that, we cut back to our heroes in the rain. Ogden says that rain is like Mother Nature playing in the sprinklers, while Sheldon complains that now they can't do a show about kites because kite-flying as we all know is rather difficult in the rain. Then we cut to that Stickley guy acting all grouchy and uptight because his grandkids are watching Channel Umptee-3.

Ogden tries to fly a kite in the rain, but doesn't have much luck. Then decides, hey, weather is awesome, so why not do the show about weather instead? After all, a kite needs wind to fly, and wind is weather, so it's not straying TOO too far from the original topic, right?

Then we cut to some British guy talking about origami before Ogden, Sheldon and Holey Moley interrupt him. Ogden asks the British guy, whose name is Professor Edwin I. Relevant (voiced by Greg "Mr. DNA" Burson), what he knows about weather.

My apologies for how the really low quality of these screencaps. Like I said,
this show has never gotten a VHS or DVD release, so this is the best we can do.

"Well, Ogden," Professor Relevant says, "Simply stated, weather is whatever conditions affect our atmosphere." Ogden doesn't know what an atmosphere is, so Professor Relevant explains it for him - "An atmosphere is a layer of gas, almost like an ocean of air, that surrounds the earth like a blanket. The sun moves this blanket of air, but more so in the middle than the top and bottom." And this causes the "blanket" to move around the earth.

Hey, look, it's Spin from Really Wild Animals (anybody remember that?).

This movement of air is what is known as "wind", and when the earth moves around, the winds are twisted. This constantly-changing wind pattern is responsible for weather. There. Now you can't say that I've never taught you anything (even if I'm just recapping what a cartoon character says).

Then we cut back to Stickley ranting about how much he hates kites. And fun. And children singing. And all things that generic cartoon villains hate.

I wish this guy would just go back to The Ren and Stimpy Show, where I'm guessing
he came from judging from the character design.

But then Stickley hears Sheldon say that they can't do their show about kites in this weather, which makes him thrilled... he's hoping that now's his chance to trap Ogden, Holey Moley, and Sheldon in a box and take them off the air!

So in other words, I think we've found the man responsible for this show only getting thirteen episodes.

Ogden is still acting all thrilled about the weather, but Sheldon isn't as happy. "The only weather I want is in a nice, sunny place with no rain where we can fly our kites!" he complains. Be careful what you wish for, Sheldon - we then cut to him and Ogden in the desert. He says that they could use some wind - and we then cut to them in a sandstorm. "Okay, okay, not so much wind!" he shouts. "And can we make it a little cooler?!" We then cut to them in, uh... in front of the ocean? In the snow? I honestly can't tell here...

Can anyone else tell where they're supposed to be?

Sheldon concedes - they can do Ogden's show about weather instead of flying kites. Once they're back where they started, Ogden asks Professor Relevant about rain. "Well, Ogden," he says, "Remember those twisting winds? Well, those winds, plus the changes in temperature, cause differences in air pressure. If more air is forced into the same space, the air is under more pressure." And like me, air doesn't like being under pressure. Thus, when it's under pressure, it tries to get to a place where there is lower pressure. It will move violently, in a split-second if it can - or, if it's released more slowly, you get wind.

We then cut to Stickley's two idiot henchmen (because cartoon villains ALWAYS have two idiot henchmen, it's just common knowledge) driving around in a pickup truck with a large crate in the back before cutting back to Ogden and the Professor. Professor Relevant says that when enough moisture builds up in the air, usually around an area of low air pressure, clouds form. As the air begins to cool, the water in some form or another begins to fall. And you get snow, or rain, or hail, or some other form of precipitation. Then... oy, we cut back to Stickley for a second. Fortunately, then we cut back to Ogden recapping everything for the audience. But then Professor Relevant reminds Ogden that not ALL clouds create rain.

I haven't mentioned this before, but Holey Moley here doesn't talk. He's sort of like
the Dopey of the show.

Holey Moley uses a portable hole (Roger Rabbit would be proud) to transport himself to a cloud. A sentient cloud that starts up a musical number. Well, this show took a weird turn all of a sudden...

Then again, it's a show where one of the main characters is a giant snail with arms.
It wasn't exactly the most... for lack of a better adjective, not-weird show before.

The clouds sing about different types of clouds. For example, cirrus clouds "take on a feathery form" and "often arrive just ahead of a storm". Stratus clouds are "shaped like a stripe" and "bring the drizzle". And cumulus clouds look like cotton and "the dark ones are wet and the light ones are dry". We're learning so much, aren't we now?

Boy, this is the weirdest Boo Berry commercial that I've ever seen.

We cut back to Professor Relevant, who says that those are only the three main types of clouds - there are many more. Then there's a knock on the door. Ogden answers it, and it's Stickley's two idiot henchmen with a crate disguised as a "portable rain shelter". Ogden says that he didn't order any "portable rain shelter", but Sheldon loves the idea of getting out of the rain and encourages everyone to get in the crate. I thought Sheldon was supposed to be smarter than Ogden.

Stickley is thrilled that he's finally gotten rid of those pesky Channel Umptee-3 guys, but now his grandkids won't stop whining about how they want to watch Channel Umptee-3. And their whining drives Stickley so crazy that he calls up his idiot henchmen and tells them to let the Channel Umptee-3 guys out of the box. They do, and as an added bonus, it's stopped raining, so they can do their show about kites! Huzzah! But now it's getting really, really windy. After Holey Moley shows up again, a tornado forms.

Insert some sort of reference to that 1996 Twister movie here.

Instead of making a run for it, Ogden asks Professor Relevant to explain tornadoes. "Well, in most thunderstorms, warm air near the ground begins rising through the colder air up high, like a hot air balloon," the Professor explains. And in some cases, the rising warm air and falling colder air becomes unstable - as if it's fighting itself - and it begins pulling into a tighter and tighter spiral, and it starts spinning and presto! We get a tornado.

Sheldon urges everybody to get into the van, and they make a run (er, drive) for it. And in case you're wondering, yes, we do get the mandatory reference to The Wizard of Oz.

Here's a question: why does Stickley consider Channel Umptee-3 a threat to
his business simply because it "encourages people to take things out of boxes
and look at them in a new way"? The theme song states that he got rich already,
so why does he care? Even if people don't keep buying his boxes, he's still rich.

Eventually, the Channel Umptee-3 gang manages to get away, and soon they find a spot with perfect weather for kite-flying. All's well that ends well.

The rainbow is a nice touch.

Well, that's Channel Umptee-3, and, honestly, it's another one I'm gonna put in the "meh, it's okay" pile. It's kind of like science class, only more fun. Ogden can get a tad annoying, but I can stomach him fine. I think his being voiced by Rob Paulsen helps with that. The only thing I really don't like about the show is Stickley (I know, he's the villain, I'm not supposed to like him, but still...). His grandkids can get really grating too. On the flip side, it's got good voice acting, and the educational bits work much better than those of Histeria!, mainly because the show isn't as disjointed. Too bad the show got screwed over because the executives couldn't handle a bit of humor directed at their profession. Side note, the theme song is now stuck in my head. Here it is if you want to listen to it for yourself.

Thanks for joining me for another me for another edition for "Let's Watch This". Next time, we take a look at the penultimate movie in the Stuart Little trilogy - and the only animated one - Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild.