Let's Watch This: "Sahara" (2017)

We're lucky to have Netflix. Yes, it might have been indirectly responsible for stores like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video (remember that?) going belly-up. And it's spawned a bunch of wannabe streaming services that are in the process of destroying physical media and television channels. But Netflix has been a wonderful place for animation. I'm not sure when Netflix-exclusive shows and movies became a thing, but you can find a lot of great animated things on there. Netflix gave us Klaus - no way any studio would've distributed that film for a theatrical release, mainly because it's hand-drawn. Remember that Animal Crackers movie? That took FOREVER to be released in the United States until Netflix picked it up. And the film that we'll be looking at today is ANOTHER Netflix-exclusive. And this one came all the way from France.

Sahara was released in January 2017, produced by Mandarin Films and StudioCanal. What drew me to the film is that it stars snakes - one of those animals that get a bad rap in animation. There aren't a lot of animated movies where snakes are the good guys. If only the movie itself were better. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's watch Sahara.

I like how the "S" in the film's title looks like a snake. Y'know, just
in case you were thinking that the film was going to star kangaroos
or something.

The film begins with some guys and their camel in the middle of a sandstorm. Little do they know that a snake and a scorpion are there, too, stealing their fruit. Why a snake is stealing fruit, I don't know, considering that snakes don't eat fruit. Then again, snakes don't talk either so I suppose I shouldn't bother bringing realism into this movie.

So after they swipe a watermelon, they come across another, more evil-looking snake. I think I know who the film's villain is going to be!

Why are so many cartoon villains purple?

Okay, so the name of the blue snake is Ajar (voiced by Robert Naylor). The name of the scorpion is Pitt. He's voiced by Daniel Brochu, who's also the voice of Buster from Arthur. And the villain snake is named Saladin (Matthew Mackay). Saladin beats Ajar up, and then... we get a crappy rap song as Ajar and Pitt arrive at some sort of snake colony? Despite the fact that snakes don't live in groups. They're solitary creatures. I looked it up. And why is there seemingly one scorpion in a colony otherwise composed of snakes?

Unfortunately, Saladin made it back to the colony with the watermelon he stole from Ajar before he and Pitt could. He and his little gang of jerk snakes bombard them with watermelon seeds. What kind of a name is that, anyway? "Saladin". It's like somebody mashed "Salad" and "Aladdin" together. It'd be a great name for a side dish at a Disney-themed restaurant, though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the design of this scorpion... it looks like
they slapped Buzz Lightyear's face on it, which is really distracting.

Ajar and Pitt go to... Pride Rock?

Is this another one of those "clearly inspired by The Lion King" movies?

And Ajar announces that he's fed up with Saladin and his bullying ways. He's leaving the colony, which shocks Pitt. "Should I remind you what happened to those who tried? Hmm? Or maybe bring you their SKULLS? Hmm?!" the scorpion asks. "Green Snakes... US! Okay? We don't belong over there!" But Ajar is insistent. Then he spots something slithering out of the foliage below.

Not sure how I feel about the design of this snake either...

It's a green snake - a GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL green snake, so you just know she's gonna be the love interest. But then she gets snatched up by a secretary bird (Terrence Scammel). Unbeknownst to Ajar and Pitt, the bird's not going to EAT the girl snake... he's under the employment of her father, the chief of the Green Snakes, and his job is to guard their home of the Oasis and prevent anyone from sneaking out. Exposition, exposition, get it out A-S-A-P...

Okay, I do like the design of the secretary bird. I'll say that.

Chief Snake (Richard Dumont) chews out his daughter for trying to sneak out of the Oasis AGAIN despite the fact that he's told her millions of times that it's dangerous out there. After all, there are DUSTIES outside the Oasis. What's a Dusty? Well, apparently that's what the animals in the desert are called by the Green Snakes. The Green Snakes look down on the Dusties, seeing them as beggars, thieves, liars, that sort of thing. "I'm pretty sure they even eat their own poop and marry their children!" Chief Snake exclaims. "Or, maybe it's the other way around..."

Wait... was that an INCEST JOKE? In a KIDS' MOVIE? Boy, THAT'S something I didn't expect to hear...

And, huzzah. It's an animated film with a metaphor for racism. Those are always fun. I think The Sneetches already summed up why racism is stupid much better than something like, say, The Lion King 2 did. If you want to make an animated movie that teaches kids why racism is bad, why not just make a movie adaptation of THAT?

Anyhow, what you need to know is that the girl snake's name is Eva (Angela Galuppo) and she's your typical animated movie princess. They hate their life and want more. Basically Jasmine as a snake.

Chief Snake announces that they're having the Spencers over for dinner, and that they have a big south-facing stone... which is apparently very important. "I can't even imagine what they pay for it..." he says. Uh, PAY for it? Why would snakes have to pay for things? What do snakes even use for currency? Actual money? Where does a snake get money?

Then Chief Snake adds that they have a charming son named John-John, hintidy-hint-hint-hint... which makes Eva even angrier. "What do you think, that you can just sell me like it's the Middle Ages?!" she complains. Then a surfer dude snake with hair (it's a wig, preventing me from asking why there's a snake with hair), Eva's brother, shows up and starts mocking Eva, earning him a slap.

Oh, goody, the annoying comic relief character.

Meanwhile, Ajar is swimming in what looks like Shrek's bath water, which turns him green - now he can head into the Oasis and nobody will ever be able to guess that he's not really a Green Snake! Pitt continues to tell him that this isn't a good idea. I think Pitt might be the only character in this film that I like thus far. He seems to be the sane one of the bunch. Plus, he sounds very much like Buster so I can always close my eyes and imagine Buster saying his lines.

Once inside the Oasis, Ajar and Pitt are amazed by how lush and green everything is... but then the secretary birds start shouting about Dusties being about, which makes Pitt panic. But it turns out they're not after them - they're after another Dusty who's actually just Eva, covered in mud and trying to sneak out of the Oasis.

Mud and swamp muck = instant disguises, I suppose.

After some unfunny shenanigans involving an ethnic stereotype, a secretary bird corners Ajar and Eva on the edge of a cliff... which they promptly jump off. Ker-splat.

Okay, of course that's not how it ends. They land in a pool of water below. And for whatever reason it doesn't wash the mud and swamp muck off. Ajar can't swim, so Eva has to carry him down the river, the secretary bird in hot pursuit. Oh, and NOW the mud and swamp muck washes off. So Eva is all "You're a Dusty?! Are you going to hurt me?!" and then Ajar is all "No, I just wanted to live in the Oasis!" and then Eva is all "Why?! The Oasis stinks!" Then Pitt catches up with them.

They've eluded the secretary birds, though. So now Eva's free to explore the great wide somewhere, right? Wrong-o, Chongo. Suddenly, Eva is nabbed by this guy...

For whatever reason, this character is making me uncomfortable.

The shady-looking guy (Brady Moffatt) stuffs Eva in a basket and heads off with his camels. Ajar dashes off behind them, but one of the secretary birds shows up again and nabs him.

Also, one of the camels is... blue? I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be surprised seeing as there aren't a lot of purple cobras in real life, but a blue camel? Huh?

I guess the Camel from the Raggedy Ann and Andy movie needs to pay the bills, too.

The secretary birds start interrogating Discount Arbok and his little scorpion friend. "We can't let you go. We let ONE go and then everyone else thinks they've got a shot!" the lead secretary bird barks. But then the surfer dude brother snake shows up and we get a joke about pollen being a substitute for drugs. Wow, first incest jokes, and now DRUG JOKES? This movie's got it all!

The surfer dude brother snake... his name is Gary (Mark Hauser), by the way... his showing up distracts the secretary birds, allowing Ajar to get free and threaten to off Gary if they don't let him and Pitt go. He continues threatening to hurt Gary as he and Pitt climb on one of the secretary birds' backs and fly off. So, now we've got a hostage situation. This movie really DOES have it all! The other two secretary birds give chase, but they manage to get away.

Eva comes to in the middle of a snake dance class. Yeah, a snake dance class. Just go with it. The one male snake in the class, George (Andrew Shaver), goes all Pepe Le Pew on her. I guess he's what we call a "snake charmer". Bah-dum-kssssh.

Careful, George. This is how Pepe wound up a victim of Cancel Culture.

Ajar, Gary, and Pitt wind up making a crash landing in the middle of the desert after a panicking Pitt stings their secretary bird mount. We get a Batman reference, Gary acts annoying, and Pitt speaks my thoughts: "Does he ever SHUT UP?!"

As for Eva, she watches as the other snakes in the basket do some sort of performance with the creepy guy who captured her. Eventually, the creepy guy's flute-playing hypnotizes her and she winds up joining in. The result? A good ol' Disney Acid Sequence!

After that little bit of surrealism, we cut back to Ajar, Gary, and Pitt. They encounter a group of singing glowworms, whose king (Rick Jones) greets them with, "May the Light be with you!" Because... hey, Star Wars exists, right?

All jokes aside, I really like the animation in this scene. Nice lighting.

The glowworms put on a light show about the Milky Way, the stars, and the constellations. The Pole Star - also known as the North Star - which our "heroes" must follow, is the brightest star in the Ursa Minor. Alas, the cute little glowworms aren't as friendly as they appear. They invite Ajar, Gary, and Pitt to stay for dinner... and, predictably, by that they mean "stay and BE dinner". Things quickly take a turn for the creepy.

Okay, I know this is an obvious joke, but... talk about a sticky situation.

Fortunately, the three manage to escape. Now that they're past the rock maze and the scary carnivorous glowworms, all they have to do is follow the camel tracks to find Eva. We get a montage of the three crossing the desert and Eva dancing with the other snakes accompanied by a generic country song.

Then we get a Planet of the Apes reference. Because... it exists, I guess?

Darn this movie. Darn it all to Heck.

(See? I can make Planet of the Apes references too. That doesn't automatically
mean it's going to be funny)

Then we get a scene where Ajar, Pitt, and Gary come across a tourist... who pees in the desert. Toilet humor. Ha ha ha. They manage to hitch a ride in his jeep, and there's a flower in the jeep, meaning that Gary gets to have a whiff of sweet, sweet pollen... which blows their cover and gets Ajar and Gary thrown out of the car.

Ajar snaps and starts screaming at Gary for screwing things up. "Since the beginning you've been nothing but a giant pain in the tail!" he rants. And yet, for whatever reason he DOESN'T just abandon Gary in the desert. He lets him come with him as they continue the search for the camels.

Back to Eva and the dancing snakes. The teacher, Miss Rita (Sonja Ball), admits that she's been stuck in that basket for twenty years, making Eva realize that, hey, she's basically a prisoner. But another snake (Nadia Verrucci) helps her escape... or at least tries to. When Eva sticks her head out of the hole in the basket, she encounters a grouchy-looking camel.

"Make a 'Hump Day' joke and I'll squash you flat."

The camels foil Eva's attempt to escape, and the creepy guy... he has a name, but eh, I'm just gonna call him "the creepy guy"... almost sticks her and the other snake in another basket where the snakes who will end up as belts or designer shoes are put. But then he says that he has a better idea...

Just a quick note to the filmmakers - it's really hard to make a camel intimidating.
Especially when they have blue fur.

Meanwhile, Ajar and Gary come across a goofy, fast-talking skink (also Rick Jones). Conveniently, he saw the ruckus that went down with the camels and Eva trying to escape, mentions that it was heading towards a place called Souksoukville or something, and... farts a few times. Fart jokes. Ha ha ha. Alas, the skink is also a massive Troll and doesn't feel like helping them.

Jeez, this movie is long... we're only fifty-five minutes in, but it feels like I've
been watching it for much longer.

Gary ticks Ajar off again and he starts beating the crap out of him. But then they spot water and palm trees. Ajar says that they'll spend the night there to regain their strength.

That night, the creepy guy sits in a ring of fire with Eva and the other snake. They have a dance battle, and Eva wins. Meanwhile, Pitt manages to climb out of the jeep's exhaust pipe. He meets a family of scorpions who consist of the cliched bumbling dad, the cliched mom who knows best, the cliched bratty teenage daughter, and the cliched younger son who's into gross things.

As for Ajar and Gary, they're laying out under the stars. We get some backstory for Pitt... and then we immediately cut back to Pitt and the other scorpions. They offer him to come along with them, but he declines. In the morning, Gary discovers a well. "These things bring water to villages! Cities! Like Souksoukville for instance!" he points out. "We get in, take a ride, and there we are!" Ajar is reluctant because he can't swim, but with a sandstorm approaching he quickly changes his mind.

I love scenes in animated movies that feel like rides at amusement parks.
When's Disney gonna build that roller coaster based on the scene in
Monsters Inc. where they're in the door vault that we've all been clamoring for?

They wind up resurfacing in a village that looks like the Morocco pavilion at EPCOT, then Gary spots a poster featuring the creepy guy. Fortunately, the creepy guy and his snakes - including Eva - have already arrived in the village, so that's convenient. Eva, who's in a terrarium, laments that this isn't what she imagined her life would be like and sadly hugs George... unaware that Ajar has snuck in and spots her. Oh, goody, a misunderstanding. Ajar is sad and almost leaves, but Gary does something useful for once and gives him a pep talk.

Ajar manages to free Eva and the other snakes with the help of a ceiling fan, which makes the creepy guy mad. Gary tries to bite him, but alas, he's immune to snake venom. "Your venom runs through my VEINS!" he snaps. And so long as he has his flute, he can control the snakes. Fortunately, Ajar manages to grab the flute and escapes outside with it, the creepy guy in hot pursuit... only for them both to get caught in the sandstorm.

Is he crawling around on all fours?

Eventually, they climb to the top of a building, where the flute winds up breaking and the creepy guy announces that Ajar is "going to pay". Long story short, part of Ajar's skin winds up tearing off (which sounds graphic, but he's a snake so it's basically just him shedding) and the creepy guy winds up falling, we can imagine, to his doom.

Of course, we have to do the "everyone thinks the main character's gone but they're actually still alive" scene, and Ajar discovers that his new skin is covered in pretty designs. Gary calls them "high-matienence" (I'm not sure I get the joke there). But... really? The creepy guy is still alive? How the heck did he survive falling off the top of a building?

But don't worry, Pitt winds up knocking the creepy guy out.

No, seriously, how did the creepy guy survive a fall like that? Shouldn't he
at least have sustained a few injuries?

And guess who else is there? The daughter scorpion! Apparently, she's Pitt's love interest now. They all head home on the top of the jeep, and that skink shows up again. And then the movie just... stops. No scene of them arriving back at the Oasis, no scene of them convincing the chief snake to allow Dusties in the Oasis, not even the cliched Dance Party Ending that you would expect this movie to have. It just ends.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

It's mediocre at best. It's bad at worst. It's not nearly as bad as, I don't know, Zoo Wars, but it's still not something I would recommend watching. The characters are not interesting. They range from dull as dirt (Ajar, Eva) to annoying (Gary). The only one I kind of liked was Pitt. The animation is meh, but the character designs are refreshingly cartoony and they do some really interesting things with the way the snakes move. I also appreciated the use of what looked like 2D animation during the Disney Acid Sequence. The jokes? Not one landed. You've got pop culture references that fall flat, attempts at "risque" humor that fall flat, toilet humor that fall flat... all in all, it's a very blah movie. There are much better animated movies on Netflix worth your time.

To end this review on a lighter note, here's a joke: why are snakes always measured in inches? Because they don't have feet. Thank you, I'll be here all week!

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Quack Pack"

During the 1990s and 2000s, there was a rather obnoxious trend in animation. It was taking an old cartoon character or two and "updating them" in an attempt to make them more "hip" or "relevant" or whatever. The idea, I guess, was that kids wouldn't like them as they were because they were from "the old days" and in order to reintroduce them to a new generation, they had to have them ride a skateboard or play an electric guitar or say "Radical, dude!" or whatever. This is what gave us Bugs Bunny rapping and the embarrassingly bad Yo Yogi!. Even nowadays, you still see it every so often. And it NEVER WORKED OUT. You know that cliché where the teenager's parent attempts to be "cool" by singing a rap song or speaking in dated teen lingo which results in the kid being embarrassed in front of his friends? This was just like that.

Not even Disney was immune to this. During the 1990s, in particular, they had a really bad habit of trying to be hip and failing. For example, they released THIS...

And they also made a little show that we'll be looking at today. A show by the name of Quack Pack.

Quack Pack was Disney's attempt at making Huey, Dewey and Louie cool. Specifically, they made them teenagers wearing dumb 1990s youth clothing. They're still stirring up trouble for their uncle, beloved Disney character Donald Duck. He and Daisy work on a show called What in the World - Donald's a cameraman (or should that be cameraDUCK?), Daisy's a reporter.

The show's intro gives us a pretty good idea as to what the show's like. It starts off with Donald setting up a projector to play his old cartoons accompanied by hokey music. But then Huey, Dewey and Louie come in, knock the projector screen out of the way, and bring in a big-screen TV playing clips from the show as the music suddenly becomes a rock 'n' roll song. It screams, "Look at how LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME Donald is! He's not with the times! He's not HIP! COOL! BODACIOUS! Whatever the kids are saying nowadays! Now, Huey, Dewey, and Louie - THEY'RE cool!" This, despite the fact that Donald is far more popular than Huey, Dewey or Louie ever were. There's also the fact that there is absolutely no way one could make the word "QUACK" sound cool. Did they really think the kids watching at home would hear the theme song's lead singer claim that he feels like quacking and immediately decide to start quacking? Was that their plan here?

I remember watching, like, two episodes of Quack Pack years ago and finding it blah. But I know there are in fact people who like this show, so who knows? Maybe there's actually something of substance here. Get ready to quack, folks, because we're watching the episode "Tasty Paste".

The episode begins with Huey (voiced by Jeannie Elias), Dewey (Pamela Adlon), and Louie (Elizabeth Daily) watching a commercial for the "Glazar Quasar Destructor Center", which I assume is sort of a cross between laser tag and Chuck E. Cheese. They can't wait to go... provided their "Uncle D" (that's what they call Donald in this show) doesn't forget that he promised to take them there. Louie insists that he won't forget, but I smell a Gilligan Cut coming on!

Wouldn't you know it, Donald (Tony Anselmo) forgot that he promised to take them there and now he's got a date with Daisy (Kath Souice). But he wants to make it up to them, so he gives them some money and tells them to "have fun". But Daisy tells him that money won't fix the situation, so he takes the money back. Thanks for ruining Donald's attempt at making it up to his nephews, Daisy.

It's so jarring seeing Daisy wearing a skirt. It's like seeing Donald wearing
pants.

Huey, Dewey and Louie drown their sorrows at the local diner, but find that they don't have the money to pay for their "yak burgers". "Put it on our tab," Huey tells the waiter, an ethnic stereotype of some kind named Gwumpki (Pat Fraley). I'm honestly surprised they didn't have him say "put it on our BILL" as a reference to that old joke. I guess they thought it was too obvious or something?

One interesting thing of note is that Quack Pack actually features HUMANS alongside the ducks. In past Disney Afternoon shows like DuckTales and Goof Troop, incidental characters that weren't ducks would be anthropomorphic dogs that were basically just humans with some dog features. Same goes for the Donald Duck comic books. I believe they were called "Dogfaces". Here, we have human beings.

Had this been an episode of DuckTales, this guy would've been a Dogface.

And why am I just now noticing that "Dogface" sounds like a racial slur?

"Being broke MUNCHES!" Dewey complains, because "munches" was apparently slang for "isn't a good thing" at one point. Then Gwumpki, invites the boys to try his newest recipe - green glop. He calls it "Tasty Paste".

"I knew that we shouldn't have come to the Nickelodeon Café."

The boys understandably refuse to eat something that looks like Lloyd's vomit, but Gwumpki offers them three hundred dollars if they DO eat it, so they change their minds. So the moral of today's story is that bribery is a great way to get ahead in life.

But it turns out that the "Tasty Paste" is actually TOXIC WASTE, and upon eating it Huey, Dewey and Louie become terrifying mutants! Horrified, Donald sues Gwumpki for every last cent that he's got. And then the X-Men get involved!

Okay, obviously I'm just kidding. Disney wouldn't own the X-Men until years later. Anyhow, they try the paste and find that it actually tastes really, really good. They offer to buy the recipe from Gwumpki for only three bucks. Because Gwumpki is apparently an idiot, he agrees.

Somebody get Huey and Dewey to a barber, because their "cool 1990s teenager"
hairdos aren't doing it for me.

Though it could be worse... at least they didn't give one of them a MOHAWK...

So the Three Radical 1990s Teen Ducks set up a stand for their "Tasty Paste", and Daisy winds up being their first customer. Much like the boys, she's initially reluctant to eat what could easily be mistaken for swamp muck, but upon tasting it she becomes addicted to the stuff, giving Kath Souice the chance to ham it up in the recording booth.

"ME CRAVE MORE TASTY PASTE!"

She tells Huey, Dewey and Louie that she'll give them some airtime during What in the World to advertise their "Tasty Paste" - that is, if they'll give her all the Blended Shrek she can eat. "CRISP!" the boys exclaim. "Crisp"? Is that something that teens were saying in the 1990s? Was that ever a thing?

So then we get a commercial for "Tasty Paste". And because this was from the 1990s, it's a rap song. A really, really bad rap song. Because Disney is hip and fly with the kids, yo.

Depressingly, this isn't even the first time that Huey, Dewey, and Louie have rapped.

Soon the stand is swarming with folks who want to get their hands on the snack that looks like it was scooped out of Mike Wazowski's toilet. And it isn't long before their stand gives way for an actual restaurant. People just can't get enough of the boys' delicious Grinch Glop. And presumably Gwumpki gets none of the money they make despite the fact that he's the guy who created the stuff in the first place.

You know, I'm much more interested in seeing what Donald is doing right now
than I am seeing Huey, Dewey and Louie sell Mark Chang's puke. Whatever happened
to Donald, anyhow?

Huey, Dewey and Louie become rich.

Their Uncle Scrooge would be so proud... if it weren't for the fact that
he's not in this show.

"Tasty Paste" becomes so popular that eventually they make a theme park about it and it's reported that a two-headed alien that looks like Elvis loves it too. I'm not kidding, look at this screencap:

Okay, I want to know the story of this "2-Headed Elvis Alien". Can the rest of the episode just focus on him now?

Then we are treated to, get ready for this, A TRAILER FOR AN HONEST TO GOD MOVIE ABOUT "TASTY PASTE". It includes scenes like this:

Meh, still a better love story than Bee Movie...

After... THAT, we cut to Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Donald climbing out of a limo. Yeah, remember Donald? He's still in this show. The nephews show him the mansion that they bought with their millions, and he shouts, "You don't need a house THAT BIG! What a waste of cash!" But they reply that it's not THEIR house... it's HIS. THEIR mansion is the one next to it. That's enough to make Donald change his tune.

"Buying ONE mansion is a waste of cash, but buying TWO? THAT'S
what I call a good use of your money!"

Alas, the boys become so busy being the head of a corporation that's biggest claim to fame is selling Larry the Cucumber Juice, they don't have time to spend with poor "Uncle D".

I can't think of a funny caption for this one, so... yeah, make one up and
post it in the comments section below.

Daisy returns so she and Donald can do an episode of What in the World about "Tasty Paste". She's eaten so much of the stuff that she's become... well, y'know that "Big Chungus" meme that's been flying around since... 2018, I think? Well, say hello to the Disney equivalent of that meme. Ladies and gentlemen, Daisy Chungus:

And now, in yet another desperate attempt at making you laugh, I present to you... THE TOP TEN JOKES THAT I CAN MAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENCAP! Apologies in advance to the overweight...

Number Ten - I'm not going to say that Daisy is fat, but when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.

Number Nine - Daisy is hoping to audition for Fantasia's "Dance of the Hours" segment.

Number Eight - I think even Jabba the Hutt would look at Daisy and go, "You need to lose some weight."

Number Seven - If that duck got cooked, it could feed the entire city of Chicago (I just chose a city at random)!

Number Six - I once knew a duck who was so fat, she had her own gravitational pull!

Number Five - I bet Stewie Griffin is going to start following her around with a tuba.

Number Four - SOMEBODY needs to go on a diet.

Number Three - I hope she doesn't start dancing, or else she could cause an earthquake.

Number Two - You see, the joke here is that a character who usually isn't incredibly fat is now incredibly fat.

AND THE NUMBER ONE JOKE THAT I CAN MAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENCAP IS...

"Dat'll hold him alwight! Hehheheheheh... PHOOEY!"

And now, to make up for all of those fat jokes I just made, here's a skinny joke - I once knew a guy who was so skinny, he could loan himself out to arts and crafts stores as a pipe cleaner. Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD skinny joke.

So, as you might have guessed, the boys have become drunk with power. They refuse to do an interview for What in the World, which they just so happened to have bought that morning, and they've also decided that from now on the show will only do "Tasty Paste"-related stories. This makes Daisy MAD!

Last fat joke, I promise...



I can't be the only one who thinks Daisy is tempted to eat them, am I?

And as if the boys weren't being bad enough, they casually mention that they've cut Daisy's salary in half. An understandably ticked-off Daisy announces that she and Donald are quitting the show. Huey, Dewey and Louie don't care. Yes, they have officially become a trio of Michael Eisners/Bob Igers/some other CEO who's infamous.

The boys call up some guy on their... video phone, I guess, to fill them in as to how their new "Tasty Paste" factory is coming along. It's fully-automated, maximizing profits while eliminating the cost of labor. Alas, that means the guy in the video has been fired too, and he vows to get REVENGE.

Fitting that the guy is sitting in a dumpster...

Meanwhile, Donald is still trying to spend time with the boys, but they refuse to play "Quasar Combat" with him... or do ANYTHING with him, for that matter. They're just too busy. So instead, they've hired three random dudes dressed like them to hang out with him instead. 

Why is this so disturbing?

They also keep calling him "Ronald", further showing that money and power have corrupted them, turning them into eeeeeeeeeevil money-obsessed scoundrels. Just like the people currently running the Disney corporation.

I honestly would've preferred having them become mutants and terrorize people
by this point...

A horrified Donald runs out of the room. Meanwhile, that guy from the video sneaks into the "Tasty Paste" factory to get his REVENGE. "I WILL DESTROY THEIR MACHINERY! AND THEIR 'TASTY PASTE' EMPIRE!" he announces, laughing like an insane lunatic.

But wait! How can we make this all the more absurd?! Oh, I know - let's have a bolt of lightning zap a pile of "Tasty Paste", bringing it to life and turning it into some sort of "Tasty Paste" MONSTER?

Sure. Okay. We can do that. Can't possibly make the episode any more ridiculous than it already is.

Beware of the Blob!

So now there's a giant, confused-looking blob of "Tasty Paste" rampaging through the city. Huey, Dewey and Louie don't give a crap upon seeing this on TV. For some reason. They don't even look surprised by it. But then they hear that a giant bloodthirsty mob has gathered outside "Tasty Paste" Headquarters, and THAT'S what makes them nervous.

I don't know about YOU, but I consider this to be karma.

How can Huey, Dewey and Louie solve this problem? Easy - according to Huey, they'll throw money at it. Specifically, they find the "Tasty Paste" Monster and offer it a billion dollars to go to another country (apparently making lots and lots of money resulted in them becoming idiots too). Predictably, that fails, so they go to their "Uncle D" for help.

Donald has a plan - they'll use their "Quasar Combat" guns to destroy the monster. It works - and by "it works", I mean it succeeds in blowing the monster up, but then it regenerates into MORE "Tasty Paste" Monsters.

Wah wah wah wah wah...

And the Slimer Clones have the ability to merge back into one giant "Tasty Paste" Monster that heads for City Hall. Fortunately, they come up with another plan... a plan that involves Donald dressing in drag. Donald lures the monster back to the "Tasty Paste" Factory, where they suck it into one of the machines. The day is saved!

Alas, it takes the boys' entire fortune to pay for the damages to the city that their "Tasty Paste" caused. But at least they still have each other and the monster is out of the picture, right?

Wrong-o, Chongo.

Say, didn't I see this guy before in a Scooby-Doo episode?

And so Huey, Dewey and Louie were eaten by the monster. The end.

Just kidding. It turns out that it was all just a dream. Huey, Dewey, and Louie never actually became rich off of a cross between Jello and radioactive sludge, become a trio of Bob Igers, and get attacked by a giant monster. Huey fell asleep at the diner and imagined all of that.

Then Donald and Daisy show up. Donald still felt bad about letting the boys down, so he and Daisy decided that instead of a REGULAR date, they can all go play "Quasar Combat". But before they go, Gwumpki emerges from the kitchen with a batch of his newest recipe - "Tasty Paste". Upon seeing this, Huey runs out of the diner screaming. But Daisy tries some, discovers that it's delicious, and... well, you can see where this is going. The end.

I hope Donald really DID stock up on "Quasar Combat" guns, because something
tells me that he and his nephews are gonna need them...

What's the Verdict?

I'll admit, Quack Pack wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong, it's not a GOOD show. It's incredibly cheesy, and its attempts at being "hip" and "cool" and whatever are painfully lame. But I've seen far worse shows. The biggest problem, I feel, is that Huey, Dewey and Louie are left to carry much of the episode without Donald. And without Donald, or Scrooge McDuck for that matter, they really aren't interesting enough to carry a show. I don't know if I would recommend Quack Pack, but it's tolerable.

And, hey, if nothing else, at least Disney never tried to "update" Donald's nephews again, right? Like, I dunno, turning Huey and Dewey into clones of Dipper from Gravity Falls and Louie into a greedy jerk, giving them the voices of random celebrities despite the fact that it's very jarring hearing those voices come out of characters that are intended to be kids, teaming them up with a duck version of Mabel who screeches every other line and is ALSO voiced by some random celebrity whose voice doesn't fit a character that's intended to be a kid, and stick them in a show that desperately wants to be Gravity Falls and doesn't do a very good job of hiding it?

Oh, yeah. They did indeed do just that.