Back to the Drawing Board: The Circle 7 Versions of "Toy Story 3", or How Disney Learned to Stop Worrying and Try to Be PIXAR, Part 2

Part 2: "Total Recall" or "To Infinity and Beyond Any Competence"

Please read Part 1 of this edition of "Back to the Drawing Board" if you haven't already so you know what exactly is going on here. If you don't, you're going to be really, really confused. Now, onto Jim's script (which Lee Unkrich apparently called a "high-end fan fiction", by the way):

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KzNPf6whsgA-OKOrOQyfdd51qS9a05FC/view

We open at a place called Wocka-Wocka Toy Company. I'm guessing from the name that it's owned by Fozzie Bear. Dozens of toy designers are hard at work sketching ideas for toys. Robotic assembly lines manufacture those toys. And in the Focus Groups Room, children are taking the newly-made toys for a "test run" of sorts. Eventually, the toys are narrowed down to three finalists: a human/alligator hybrid (which sounds more like a horror movie monster than a PIXAR character), a dog whose shtick is that he vomits and then laps up the vomit ("It's gross, I know. But kids love it."), and a handsome spaceman in silver-and-black galactic battle armor. When the test kids show up, they go gaga over the spaceman (who at one point says "To BEYOND infinity and beyond!", so I guess this is supposed to be some sort of revamped version of Buzz).

This script actually had concept art made for it. Here's one piece of
concept art showing us the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory.

When the kids leave, a bunch of headless executives dub the spaceman the winner - considering his opponents were a barfing dog and an unholy combination of human and reptile, I think that was a pretty safe bet - and "the solution to [their] emerging Buzz situation". The spaceman's name is revealed to be Daxx Blastar, which isn't as cool a name as "Buzz Lightyear" in my opinion. I mean, seriously, "Daxx"? That sounds like a medicine you can get at CVS or something. But more importantly, what's this about an "emerging Buzz situation"?

We're gonna have to find that out later, because we then transition to Andy's house. All the toys are up and about for the day. I hope you like puns, because this scene has a few of 'em - Woody calls Bo "one of [his] favorite peeps" and at one point Mr. Potato Head takes off his eyes and rolls them towards his wife, causing her to exclaim, "Don't you roll your eyes at me, Mister!"

So, first we have a factory called "Wocka-Wocka Toy Company", and now we've got a hurricane of puns. I take back what I said about Fozzie owning the toy company - he's not a part of this script, he ghost-wrote it!

Remember Lite-Brites? I just found out that there's an app based on it.
Because of course there is.

Woody and Buzz give us some exposition about how Andy and his family are going on a field trip to live in an old colonial town. Will he be taking any of his toys? Well, Woody doesn't think it's a good idea - he points out that every time we go anywhere someone gets misplaced or gets borrowed by another kid, or they all wind up in a Whodunit mystery and start turning on each other. Anyhow, Buzz tries to throw a ball for Slinky to fetch, but is incredibly off-target. And then his arm suddenly twitches. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

Hamm and Rex are using Andy's MAC (hooray, product placement!) to see what Andy's mom is trying to buy on eBay... or, as it's called in the script, "eBid". Amusing how this script for a non-PIXAR version of Toy Story 3 just has a parody of eBay and yet the PIXAR version of Toy Story 3 that we got mentions the actual eBay by name. They tell Woody that none of the items she's bidding on are toys, to their relief - now they know they won't have to deal with new toys showing up and replacing them when the holiday season rolls around. And just to make sure that isn't the case, Hamm and Rex have also "finished" an email that Andy is sending to his grandmother telling him that all he and Molly want for Christmas are books and clothes. Woody tells them that forging emails from other people for personal gain is wrong and deletes the email. By the way, at this point the script starts spelling Rex's name wrong. It says "REXX", despite saying "REX" before.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head complain about Woody always being the one who calls the shots, but Buzz says, "I don't think you toys realize what's involved with keeping this little bedroom community up and running. So unless you've walked a foot in Woody's boots, you should show him your support." After that, Hamm brings up that their email might have been the one thing preventing Andy's grandma from buying him a new Daxx Blastar doll - Andy got some junk mail a few hours ago from Wocka-Wocka.com advertising that spaceman toy from the beginning of the script. Then we get this:

BUZZ: No mugshot (he's referring to the fact that the ad doesn't have a picture of the toy). What's that about?

HAMM: Maybe he's so new he's not complete yet.

JESSIE: That, or they want to create a buzz.

SLINKY: (walks up) Who wants to create a Buzz?

REX: (whose name is spelled correctly again) The people that created Buzz.

SLINKY: Thanks for pointing that out, Rex.

Are you laughing yet? Because I'm sure not.

Oh, and did I mention the joke about Mrs. Potato Head staring at Buzz's rear? The script made Mrs. Potato Head a horny ogler. Eugh...

So Hamm brings up that the ad claims Daxx is "totally loaded with gadgets", to which Buzz is all "I've got gadgets, too, and also I can fall with style!" and demonstrates... but then his wings suddenly retract, sending him falling without style onto Andy's bed. He winds up knocking a ball off the bed that turns on the vacuum cleaner, resulting in some WACKY SHENANIGANS. Eventually, Jessie turns off the vacuum (saying "So long, sucker!", which I'll admit is actually kind of funny), but Buzz continues to act oddly, interrupting his insisting that he's okay with one of his pre-recorded phrases and karate-chopping himself in the face. Eventually, his hand goes flying off!

Well, it could've been worse. At least his entire arm didn't go flying off instead. Would've been Deja Vu for Buzz, actually...

The uprising of the vacuum cleaners has begun.

For whatever reason, Buzz and Woody hide the fact that Buzz is acting weird from the others, then Woody hears Buster the dog approaching, prompting the toys to get back in their positions. Bullseye poses by a trail of "Playdoh road apples"... toilet humor, ha ha ha… Buzz gets his hand back on. Woody suggests that maybe he stay under the bed, as Andy bringing him on the field trip probably wouldn't be the best idea considering the condition that he's in. Buzz says that Woody isn't the boss of him and runs off.

Andy and his mom come in. His mom mentions that Andy can't bring any toys because "You're supposed to be living in 1776. They didn't have your toys back then." Andy picks up Buzz to inform him that he's not coming along, and then... well, I'll let the script describe it for me: "Buzz's bad arm CHOPS AGAIN, his FIST FLIES OFF, and then the pointy end of the stump rakes by again and SCRATCHES ANDY'S FACE." Andy runs out screaming about how Buzz scratched him, and the other toys are giving Buzz angry looks. Buzz is surprisingly nonchalant, though, pulling off his hand to show them that it was just an accident... only to wind up freaking them all out. "Wow. There is something seriously wrong with you people," Buzz claims, putting his hand back on his wrist. "So I'm gonna give you a few moments to get a grip, compose yourselves, and when you're all ready to apologize, I will be waiting inside of my ship." Wow, way to be a pill, Buzz.

Later that day, the toys look at the Wocka-Wocka website to see if they can find an answer to the Buzz problem. "Even though Buzz may act and look incredibly simple, inside he's a rather complex individual," Hamm says. "In this humble hog's opinion, given that he has system-wide problems, it's a control issue. Which means he's gonna need a new chip." Woody asks how they get one, to which Hamm replies that only the factory has them, and even if they somehow got one they would still need special tools to fix him.

"Wow, I have a really fat face..."

Meanwhile, in his box, Buzz reads the instructions on the lid by the light of his laser, which mention that for repairs one should contact the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company in Taiwan - aka the Republic of CHINA. He's all "Oh, heck no! I'll just use Scotch Tape", but then Woody lures him out so he and the other toys can tackle him and roll him up in a bubble-wrap burrito. "Sorry, pal! But we can't risk you malfunctioning and hurting someone else!" Woody snaps. "It was an ACCIDENT!" Buzz protests. "NO, Buzz. Accidents just happen, but this was TOTALLY AVOIDABLE. And I TOLD you to stay away from Andy!" Woody replies. Even if it was an accident, Buzz couldn't control it, which makes him a DANGER.

They shove Buzz in a box as Rex fills out a shipping form, then ship him off to Taiwan so he'll be fixed and shipped back home before Andy gets back. We get a gag about Rex and Mr. Potato Head playing "Operation", then Hamm jumps onto the computer... and is greeted by an MSN-like website with the top article being about how Buzz Lightyears are being recalled. Apparently, Buzz Lightyear toys all over the world are malfunctioning and causing injuries (in Chicago, investigators are looking into whether or not the wings of another Buzz knocked over a candle and triggered a ten-alarm blaze), so the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company issued a global recall so they can be destroyed and replaced. Cue the dramatic music.

Hamm and the Potato Heads blame Woody for the fact that Buzz is going to be destroyed despite the fact that Woody had no idea that would happen and they were all in agreement on sending Buzz back to Taiwan out of concern for his, their, and Andy's well-being. Woody agrees with me and tells them, "Next to Andy, Buzz was - I mean IS - my best friend! And I'm not gonna sit here playing some crazy blame game when we SHOULD all be finding a way to save him!" And fortunately, as long as that Fed-Ex... I mean, FED-UPS... number they took from Al's Toy Barn stays valid, they can ship themselves to Taiwan to save Buzz - and if Woody's not mistaken, they also offer TWO-DAY AIR, which'll get them there the same day as Buzz. Très pratique!

We get a montage of the toys preparing for the trip. Woody, Hamm, Jessie, Bullseye, Rex, Mr. Potato Head, and Slinky Dog jump into a box which Bo Peep, the army men, and a Troll doll seal, then the toys push the box out the second-floor window, where it lands on a conveniently-located red wagon, which carries it over to the curb for an approaching Fed-Ups truck to pick it up. Then we see a Fed-Ups jet flying over Taipei, Taiwan and then arriving at an airport tarmac. Inside, freight pallets roll down conveyors to a warehouse, where they're scanned, sorted, and loaded onto delivery vans that take them to the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory. So, the toys are in Taiwan already? Huh, that was fast. This is going to be a very short script.

Oh, wait - it's not the box that the toys are in that's arriving at the factory, it's the box that BUZZ is in. Buzz takes a look around the factory, which is described as being "HUGE and highly automated, the majority of work and manufacturing achieved using robotic assembly lines and their system of conveyors". Then he encounters another toy on a different assembly line - a Zurg toy... who opens his helmet to reveal "a pink and pruny, baby FACE". He introduces himself as Zurg Feldman, favorite toy of Zach Feldman. He's there to be repaired. Buzz is about to learn the hard way that he's not as lucky.

Look on the bright side, Buzz. Maybe you'll be recycled into
a nice plastic coffee cup.

You see, the conveyor belt that Buzz is on leads to a thing known as THE SMASHER - "an anvil-like ELECTROMAGNET that CRUSHES any toy beneath it to bits and simultaneously collects any SCRAP METAL while leaving what's left to tumble off the conveyor into a DUMPSTER". Fortunately, Buzz manages to escape before he's smashed and make it onto the other conveyor belt, advising the toys on there to jump off before they're destroyed... only to wind up igniting their wrath. Then a factory worker shows up and takes the toys off the belt before placing them in plastic tubs. Once he leaves, Buzz learns just what, exactly, is going on - when he arrived at the factory, a worker put a wire tag with a red "R" on him... and the toys on the conveyor belt that WASN'T heading towards THE SMASHER (gotta say it in all-caps, I guess) don't have those tags. The vomiting dog toy (remember him?) informs him that only toys with the "R" get destroyed.

Buzz then sees a nearby wall where his picture is posted, accompanied by the word "RECALLED". He starts making plans to get the heck out of there - and implies that he's going to beat the stuffing out of Woody when he gets home. I was gonna complain about that being out-of-character, but after reading the other Circle 7 Toy Story 3 script having the Toy Story characters attacking and attempting to kill each other is just something I suppose I should expect.

Wow. They were even working on rendering the animation for this script, too.

Meanwhile, our little rescue group has arrived in Taiwan as well. Jessie is starting to freak out since, after years of storage, she has problems with being stuck in a crate, and once the flashlight goes out she manages to bust out of the box (so either the box is made of incredibly flimsy cardboard or Jessie is just unbelievably strong) and escape. Too bad they're in the back of the van, and so when Jessie opens the door they all wind up the victim of MORE WACKY SHENANIGANS!

After flying off the van, causing the box to explode, and having to dodge a bus and half-a-dozen cars, everybody wonders how the heck they're going to find the factory now. Mr. Potato Head, Rex, and Hamm give Woody flack for this, yet nobody points out that it's really Jessie's fault for busting out of the crate and opening the door to the van in the first place. But they still have the address on the box, which is sitting right there... and is promptly sucked up by a street-sweeper. Everyone, again, blames Woody for this. Why is Woody getting so much crap in both of these scripts?

"We're gonna need to get across this street. Where are a bunch of orange traffic
cones when you need them?"

Woody says that they'll head in the same direction that the truck is heading in to find the factory. Mr. Potato Head and Hamm whine about Woody being the one to decide, but he tells them to shut up because Buzz is in trouble and standing there bickering isn't gonna get him saved faster. Good on you, Woody. There's just one problem - a wide-shot of the city and its skyline reveals that the factory is actually in THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION. D'oh.

Speaking of which, Buzz is still sneaking around the factory, trying to find his way out. Alas, his malfunctioning winds up getting the attention of two workers who are described as being Asian versions of Beavis and Butthead. From that description, something tells me that they would've been horribly offensive stereotypes. Asian Beavis and Asian Butthead begin tossing Buzz around like idiots, but then a headless executive shows up and swipes Buzz from their hands, then brings him into a boardroom where Daxx and a cat in Space Ranger garb named Comet are seated on a table. Once the executive leaves, Comet exclaims, "Foshizzle! The big man's in da house!"

Yes, he actually says that. The script also describes him as being "very 'street'"... ladies and gentlemen, this character would've been yet another one of Disney's attempts at being hip, cool, fly, or whatever it was that teenagers were saying in the 2000s. All he needs are a backwards baseball hat, sunglasses, and a skateboard to ride. The cringe-worthyness continues as Comet tells Buzz, "You are MONEY, baby, they built this company on your white-rear, Lightyear, mad props, dawg, seriously, slap me some plastic..." and then gives him "an ambitious homey-style-handshake". God, he's like a cross between Donkey from Shrek and the Will Smith Fish from Shark Tale. I'm fully expecting him to start rapping at some point later in the script.

Concept art for Daxx Blastar.

Fortunately, Daxx shuts Comet up by shutting his helmet, then introduces himself and Comet to Buzz. Alas, the relief is short - Comet manages to reopen his helmet and continues to act annoying. Buzz fills them in on his plan to get himself fixed and then escape, then a bunch of executives come in. Interesting that all the executives in this script are headless. A way of getting out of having to design minor characters, or a way of dehumanizing the executives as a way of demonstrating how they are the scum of the Earth? You be the judge.

Thus begins a conference call with the executives discussing why they're destroying all the recalled Buzz Lightyears instead of fixing them - it's a chip failure, and that's apparently the most expensive part of a toy. So, the entire reason they're doing this is because they want to save money. There's a joke I could make here, but I'm not sure what it is. Buzz talks into a speakerphone, pretending to be "Andy Stoy" (get it?), the "Vee-Pee of R&D, and a BLT, PDQ, no mayo si vou plas of Wocka-Wocka USA", demanding to know why they're not just fixing the toys. One executive claims that "Andy Stoy" reminds him of the company's founder, Mr. Kagoy - "He had lousy business sense, too, which is why we had to boota-boota his butta-butta off the Wocka-Wocka Boarda-Boarda." Then he mentions that they have to make sure Mr. Kagoy's office doesn't catch wind of this memo... apparently, he "doesn't get copied" on anything they talk about.

Okay, I think I see what's going on here. This is intended to be a satire of Disney. I'm not sure how, specifically, it is, but the comparisons here are too easy to make. You know how people point at Robots and Ratatouille claiming that they're intended to be satires of Disney under Michael Eisner's rule? This is the same way. I'm convinced.

Buzz starts malfunctioning again, and the executives make the decision not to destroy him but rather ARCHIVE him (the Legal Department likes them to save one in the event they get sued). After Buzz is taken outside, one executive suggests they remedy the situation while still making a profit with coupons promising that you can save ten dollars off a brand new Daxx Blastar if you send them their malfunctioning Buzz Lightyear. They'll become rich! The executives leave, and Daxx becomes excited over the fact that he's gonna become the best selling toy in Wocka-Wocka history. I think I've identified the script's villain.

More concept art for Daxx. I still think that's a stupid name, by the way.

Back to Woody and his idiot friends. Woody spots a toy store where they can ask for directions... after all, "if anyone knows where the local toy factory is - it's the local toys." He and Bullseye head over to the store and ask the toys in a window display where the toy factory is, but the toys all speak Chinese. Woody then proceeds to say, in a bad Chinese accent, "So solly! Me no speeky Taiwaneesey!"

I'd like to take this moment to apologize to Chinese people everywhere. I know I'm not the one who wrote this script, but SOMEBODY'S gotta apologize to them for that.

Then Woody spots a woman paying the shop owner and placing Bullseye into her fat kid's stroller. Woody and pals jump aboard the stroller after him. And now, back to Buzz. Seriously? "Me no speeky Taiwaneesey"?

Buzz has arrived at what looks like a prison for toys. Bins filled with recalled toys line the shelves. Among the recalled toys is a pajama-clad doll named Cozy-Rosey. She was supposed to keep kids warm and toasty at night, but kept bursting into flame. Also here is a "sexy" Barbie knockoff named Jade who has a blade of metal that juts out of her knee. And there's also Jujubee Bee, a toy that was apparently supposed to be the next "Pez". And another toy - a walky-talky named Shorty (cause he has a habit of short-circuiting) - just escaped... and has been put on a conveyor belt with some toys that have "R" tags on them. You can guess what happens to him, right?

Concept art for Cozy-Rosey.

"This wouldn't happen if Kagoy was still around. He CARED about toys," Jade sighs. Buzz informs them that he heard the executives mention that he's still at the factory, but didn't want him to know anything about their eeeeeeeeeevil plan to destroy all recalled toys. But if the recalled toys somehow got him a memo that fills him in as to what's going on... too bad Jujubee Bee shoots down that idea. "Do you want more of these toys to end up like Shorty?!" he demands. "THERE IS no way out of here - not anytime soon! Shorty waited over a YEAR for that door to open and chances are it'll take a year to happen again."

In a crowded Taipei commuter train, Woody's team is having problems trying to save Bullseye from the kid... who the script names "Little Buddha". Ummm... well, anyhow, soon they're off the train and heading towards 101 Taipei, the tallest building in the world.

Now back to Buzz. A recalled dog toy named Spike and a pair of paper dolls are playing... strip poker? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Toy Story movies for kids? Rosey tells Buzz that she never even got to leave the factory - she was recalled before she got shipped. Buzz gives a big speech about how great it is having a kid. Then he finds out that there's a heating duct conveniently located nearby which he can use to escape. Then we get this...

JADE: I'm not helping you with your crazy escape.

BUZZ: Actually, what's CRAZY is, except for a lone Walky-Talky, nobody else has tried to get out of this place and get fixed. (eyes the grate's four screws) Especially when all you need's a flat-head screwdriver and the GUTS to use it.

JADE: Guts? This isn't about courage, Lightyear, it's about brains! Y'know... (points at his butt) that thing your logo's stamped on?

BUZZ: (stares at her, incredulous) Wow. To infinity and [word that one sometimes uses for a female dog that I'm not going to actually say here because I want to keep this blow PG].

Again, I'm pretty sure the Toy Story movies are intended to be for kids. And this script just had Buzz Lightyear curse. BUZZ LIGHTYEAR CURSED. What is this, a Robot Chicken sketch?!

Okay, so after... THAT, Buzz tells Jade that he's getting out of there and she wouldn't understand why he's so desperate to escape because she doesn't have a kid. This hits a nerve, and Jade decides to help him escape after all by using her knee as a makeshift screwdriver. Which she says makes her feel "like a tool". Y'know what, I'm gonna let Woody tell you my reaction to that joke. Take it away, Woody:

Oh, and then we get a joke about Buzz looking up Jade's dress. Hooray, ANOTHER joke that doesn't belong in a kid's movie. You've turned Buzz into a perv. Thanks a lot.

"To infin-giggity and beyond!"

Buzz escapes down the heating duct, and when Rosey finds out she wants to follow him. Jade is all "No, it's too dangerous!" and Rosey is all "I wanna have a kid!" and dives down the duct after Buzz. Jade follows her.

At 101 Taipei, Woody and his buddies are in an elevator. They arrive on the ninety-eighth floor... the Employee Day Care Center. And y'know that scene in the actual Toy Story 3 where the crazy kids all barge into the daycare and play roughly with the toys? This is basically like that scene. Bullseye gets done up like a My Little Pony, Hamm and Rex are pushed around in strollers, and Woody is forced to marry Jessie, much to their and my disgust.

Apparently whoever did this concept art thought it would be funnier to have
Mr. Potato Head forced to marry Hamm.

Back to Buzz. Rosey and Jade catch up with him, and Jade says that she hopes he didn't tie the string that he used to climb down into the shaft where the fan blades can hit it. Buzz tells her that OF COURSE he didn't tie it where the fan blades could cut it and besides, the fans are all on a thermostat just like the one that Rosey just so happens to be standing on, so the only way it'll turn on is if there's a sudden jump in the operating temperature of the machinery below blah blah blah we all know it's gonna turn on and cut the string.

The fan sends Buzz and Jade flying into an automated assembly line that's making baby dolls. They wind up getting dressed as infants, then Rosey points them over to a map of the factory. Hooray for plot convenience!

Here's another piece of concept art for another recalled toy that isn't mentioned
in the script. This one's a donkey wearing a sombrero.

We cut back to the daycare center. Woody and Jessie agree that they will never mention their "wedding" ever again. Once the humans all clear out, Rex informs the others that Hamm snuck into the day care office to look up the factory address online. Mr. Potato Head, meanwhile, has his pieces scattered all over the place, so the gang has to put him back together. Bullseye puts his mouth on his butt, resulting in Mr. Potato Head complaining that "You've got me talking out of my a..."

Why is there so much kid-inappropriate humor in this?! First we had the dolls playing Strip Poker, then we had Buzz cursing, then we had Buzz looking up Jade's dress, and now THIS?! What, did they think it would help the film appeal to a wider audience or something? The Toy Story movies didn't need jokes like this to be beloved by all ages!

Okay, so anyhow, before the toys can escape a security guard pulls a steel-mesh cage down over the front of the daycare center, locking them in. How will they get out of this? Who cares, let's cut back to Buzz.

Buzz, Jade and Rosey have made it to the part of the factory where they make Buzz Lightyears. Then a forklift comes their way, so they hide in a hopper full of polymer beads (they're melted down to make plastic)… which the forklift promptly lifts up to take to a vat that melts and feeds the plastic to all of the factory's machinery. Fortunately, before the three can be dumped in, it's quittin' time and the workers shut down the machinery. Huzzah.

Back at the daycare, Woody laments that they haven't done one thing right since they got off the plane. Mr. Potato Head decides to be a jerk and blames Woody for the mess that they're in, which results in Woody snapping. "No one forced you to come on this mission! OR to follow my suggestions!" he shouts. "I didn't sign up for this job! You think I like being the guy who makes all the decisions and constantly has to tell everyone else what to do? WELL, I DON'T!" So why does he do it? Because, he says, he's SUPPOSED TO. "Just like Buzz is supposed to be the most amazing and brave action figure EVER, I have to be 'good ole reliable Woody' - the guy who MUST know what to do because, after all, he played a SHERIFF fifty years ago on some rinky-dink kiddy show that got canned after two lousy seasons!" he complains (Jessie is quick to remind him that they actually did THREE seasons and two Bob Hope Christmas specials). Jessie calls out Mr. Potato Head for being such a jerk to Woody, then chews out Woody for not simply telling them earlier that he doesn't like being the guy who makes all the decisions.

I think this sums up both of these Circle 7 scripts pretty well...

So, Mr. Potato Head apologizes to Woody for giving him a hard time, admitting that he's under a lot of stress because they're trapped in the world's tallest building, don't know if Buzz will be saved, and is worried that Mrs. Potato Head will be mad that he didn't kiss her goodbye (not to mention that he forgot to clear his browser history on the internet or hide that pipe he still smokes and those photos of a "Mistress Potato Head"... make up your own joke here, I'm typing this part of the review at 10:23 at night and I think I'm too tired to think of a joke to make here). Woody also apologizes for being bossy and tells Bullseye and Rex to see if they can find a fire escape or a freight elevator or something. Jessie tells Hamm to get on the phone and call security to unlock them. Slinky, meanwhile, spies the Wocka-Wocka Toy Company outside the window. Then Woody gets another idea, this one involving a plastic toy shopping cart, lots of Mylar birthday balloons, and a battery-powered bubble machine. With that, they manage to construct a makeshift flying machine and soar over the city of Taipei.

Why did they bring Mr. Potato Head along again? All he's done throughout
the script is act like a jerk to Woody.

Actually, he pretty much reverted back to his personality in the first Toy Story
movie, didn't he?

Thanks to Rex accidentally freeing two balloons rather than one, those WACKY SHENANIGANS rear their ugly head again (among them Rex's screaming face winding up on a jumbotron). But enough of that, let's see how Buzz is doing?

Hiding in those mop-and-bucket-on-wheels things, Buzz, Jade, and Rosey manage to find a building directory telling them where the conference room is. But, oh no! It's five floors up! And Buzz's chip problem is acting up, too. He's all "Go on without me!" and then Rosey accidentally lets it slip that Jade actually DID have a kid once. Time to repeat the "When Somebody Loved Me" scene from the second movie.

Jade explains that she was one of the first Jade dolls shipped to America. Once at the toy store, a little girl spotted her and immediately wanted to buy her. But once they made it to the register, Jade discovered that the recall had been announced THAT VERY SAME DAY. Jeez, talk about lousy timing. Then the store's manager boxed up the Jades and shipped them back to Taiwan. Mr. Kagoy was still in charge back then, so all the other Jades got fixed and shipped out. But the script's Jade was the one picked to be archived in the Recall Room. "From that moment," Jade says, "I swore I'd never let myself feel that much pain again. But now here I am, back chasing the dream. Only this time, I am NOT coming close just to have it go away."

Here's some concept art for Jade... or, as she's called here, "Cindy Scissors".
Honestly, I think that's a much funnier name.

But there's still the whole "how are they gonna get to floor where the conference room is" problem. So they set off a fire alarm, causing all the workers in the factory to evacuate, and then they head into an elevator playing a muzak version of "Hakuna Matata". In a case of not as lousy timing, Woody and his group are landing on the lawn of the factory. Too bad about those pesky lawn sprinklers, though, but they manage to make it into the loading dock.

Meanwhile, Buzz and his group meet back up with Daxx and Comet in the conference room. They explain about how they're going to get the memo to Mr. Kagoy and prevent them from destroying all the recalled Buzz Lightyears, to which Daxx is all, "Hey, that's great because if they do that me and Comet won't have to worry about the factory recalling and destroying US some day!" Once Jade and Rosey find the memo, Daxx suggests that they and Buzz take the room's air tube transport system to Mr. Kagoy's office. So they cram into capsules as Daxx sets the control console... not to Mr. Kagoy's office, but rather to "RECYCLING". Yes, this version of Toy Story 3 has a twist villain, too. Honestly, I'm not all that surprised that it's Daxx.

Back to Woody's gang. We get another lame pun ("There's a LAKE in my boot!" as opposed to "There's a SNAKE in my boot!", nyuck nyuck nyuck), then Hamm consults the shipping desk's Fed-Ups delivery chart to let them know that they'll have to be out of the factory by 7 PM that night if they want to get home before Andy does. It's 5:35 now, and there are tons of boxes containing recalled Buzz Lightyears. So finding Buzz might take a while. Or maybe not, as their Buzz, Jade, and Rosey fly overhead in the air tube. So they chase after them.

In the recycling department, Buzz and his pals land on a plastic hopper and encounter Daxx and Comet again. "You had a great run, Buzz. But now it's time for a new Number One," Daxx said. Then he tips the hopper, sending Buzz, Jade and Rosey onto the conveyor belt that leads towards THE SMASHER. Fortunately, Woody and Jessie ride in on Bullseye. Woody tells Jessie and Bullseye to unplug the machine as he tries to save Buzz. He manages to get Jade and Rosey off the conveyor belt, but before he can save Buzz, they're both pinned down by clamps.

No, not THAT Clamps...

But Buzz manages to break free and save Woody. Woody gets off the belt, but Buzz's leg is clamped and he winds up falling off the belt while his leg gets smashed (what is it with Toy Story characters losing their limbs?). Comet and Daxx leave, their mission of destroying Buzz seemingly complete, as everyone else gathers around Buzz, whose chip is on its way out... and as a result, so is HE. Hamm says that if Buzz's memory chip goes, he'll reset, forgetting about Andy, his friends, everything. But then Woody spots a nearby sign reading "PARTS & SERVICE", and he gets an idea...

This is the weirdest episode of Grey's Anatomy ever...

They head to the PARTS DEPARTMENT and get to work repairing Buzz. They manage to get a new leg on him, but Woody can't reach in and grab the chip because his hand is too big. So it's up to Rex. Rex is all "No, I can't do it!" Jessie brings up that it's just like playing Operation... to which Rex says, "But I suck at Operation!"

Yes, Rex just cursed. I honestly don't know why the amount of kid-inappropriate humor in this script still surprises me at this point.

Okay, so Rex reaches in, pulls out the chip and Hamm finds a new chip that looks just like it... wait, if they put a replacement chip in, won't that still result in Buzz's memories being gone? Eh, to heck with it, the script's almost over... Rex puts the chip in... and it works! Buzz springs back to life. But, wouldn't you know it, I was right. Buzz doesn't recognize any of his friends. He doesn't even remember that he's not a real space ranger. "He's reset. He's in default mode," Jade laments.

"Well, he'll never be OUR Buzz again, but at least we can all go home to Andy," Woody sighs. Jade and Rosey flip out, because Buzz promised them that they'd be fixed and get kids of their own. But then we get this...

BUZZ: Andy? How do I know that name?

WOODY: Andy is our kid, Buzz! Our boy!

BUZZ: OUR boy? Like our son? (suspiciously) Are you saying you and me are... y'know... one of those "two dad" families?

Why do I have the feeling that this joke was intended to be homophobic? Maybe I'm just being paranoid...

Jade and Rosey repeat Buzz's big speech from earlier in the script about how great it is being a toy who has a kid, and it results in Buzz getting his memory back. He's all better! Huzzah! Say, didn't WALL-E have a scene like this near the end?

Speaking of robots, here's another piece of concept art for a recalled toy.
I guess making fun of Asians wasn't enough, the folks at Circle 7 also felt the need
to mock the Hispanic as well.

It's 6:27 now, which means there isn't enough time for them to get Jade and Rosey fixed AND get home before Andy returns from his field trip. But Buzz is determined to finish his "mission", and Woody says he can count on him. He orders Hamm to print out another Fed-Ups label and Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, and Bullseye to get packing tape, bubble wrap and a two-day box. Then Buzz orders Jade and Rosey to grab that memo and then they, Woody, and Jessie will find the newest transport tube and they'll all rendezvous in the Shipping Department. It's off to Mr. Kagoy's office!

They make it to the front door of his office and are about to slip the memo inside... but then Rosey accidentally burns it up. But then Mr. Kagoy (who the script describes as "Geppetto meets Jerry Garcia") opens the door and spots the toys... and starts talking like a surfer dude. Uh... okay, then. He gathers up the toys, talks to them, and brings them into his office. And then, well... okay, get ready for this... Buzz actually comes to life and tells Mr. Kagoy that they need his help. And Mr. Kagoy isn't at all freaked out by the fact that A TOY JUST CAME TO LIFE. In fact, it seems as though he actually knew beforehand that the toys were alive. Honestly, from the way he looks and talks, I have the feeling that he's supposed to be a stoner. I would not be surprised at this point.

Concept art for Mr. Kagoy.

Mr. Kagoy is outraged when Buzz tells him about the recalled toys being destroyed, and as he and the toys ride something called a "Cushman" past THE SMASHER, he complains that he built the factory to MAKE toys, not DESTROY them. They find all the recalled Buzz Lightyears, which horrifies him even more. "Any broken toy that can possibly be fixed SHOULD BE FIXED!" he says. "You fix it, ship it, and get it to a kid! Otherwise, why make toys at all?!"

Cut to the party that the Wocka-Wocka Factory Executive Guys are having. There's catering, music, a hologram of the Wocka-Wocka logo... heck, even Al from the second movie is there! But before the executives can announce their awesome new toy Daxx Blastar, Mr. Kagoy and the toys crash the party and Mr. Kagoy says that they're going to fix the recalled Buzz Lightyears. He uses a remote control to have a bunch of Buzz dolls "drive" into the room on space ranger rovers... actually, he's just pretending to control the Buzzes, they're driving the rovers themselves. "When I started this company," Mr. Kagoy exclaims, "It wasn't about making money! It was about making TOYS - for kids who love 'em and love to play with 'em, just like I do!"

He starts holding up Buzzes and listing the names of the kids on their boots (I thought that was just an Andy thing. I guess it's pretty popular in this world to write your name on the feet of your toys), eventually getting to main character Buzz. "Andy doesn't want a REPLACEMENT!" he says. "He wants THIS Buzz - his FRIEND Buzz - to be fixed and sent back home, not DESTROYED by some TOY-SMASHING MACHINE!" The crowd gasps. Even Al looks shocked. "So to ALL you kids who own our toys, a promise: whether it's broken, or missing a part, even if it's been RECALLED - send it in and we will FIX IT and ship it back because that's what we at Wocka-Wocka are all about!" Mr. Kagoy announces. The crowd cheers, the eeeeeeeeeevil executives panic over how they'll be in trouble once the shareholders find out about their smashing little kids' toys, and Mr. Kagoy thanks Buzz for filling him in as to what was going on.

Woody, Buzz, and their pals ride off in a rover, but then Buzz spots Daxx, who is at the moment ranting to Comet about how this isn't THEIR moment, it's HIS... and decides that they can take a minor detour for some sweet, sweet revenge. He drives the rover into the pedestal that Daxx is standing on, sending him flying into a bunch of standees. When the curtains open and the announcer introduces the crowd to Daxx, all they see is Comet. They're excited over the fact that there's finally an action figure for girls, and Daxx is ENRAGED! He chases after Buzz and his pals, then flicks a switch and starts up an assembly line making more and more Daxx dolls, forming himself a little army. "You could've gone home to your kid, Buzz!" he snaps. "Could've called it a day! But NO, you had to hang around and RUIN MINE! Well, one 'buzz kill' deserves another, Lightyear! You may have taken me down... but I am taking you OUT."

"Surprise! I'm the script's twist villain!"

Cut to Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, Rex, Rosey and Jade (wait, weren't they with Woody, Jessie and Buzz?) waiting by a Fed-Ups box addressed to Andy in the factory's shipping department. Woody and Jessie join them, reassuring them that Buzz is right behind them. Buzz, meanwhile, is being chased by the Daxxes, but he causes a pile-up with some boxes... and then encounters all the recalled Buzzes. Apparently, Jade cut open one Buzz's box, and then THAT Buzz freed ANOTHER Buzz, who freed ANOTHER Buzz, who freed ANOTHER Buzz, and so on. The result - an epic battle of Buzzes and Daxxes. The Buzzes tell our Buzz that they'll hold off the Daxxes while he escapes, and Buzz meets back up with his friends. But the climax apparently STILL isn't over yet, because Daxx spots him leaving and pursues him.

And then, when they're all getting in the box, they see the shipping label - which features Andy's OLD address, not the one for his NEW house! Blah blah blah, Daxx catches up with Buzz and they start beating up each other, Jessie fills out a new label, Woody and Hamm build a new box, the others fill it with packing peanuts, and to make a long story short Daxx winds up being knocked into the box with Andy's old address on it. They seal it up, and then Woody crosses out the address on the label and replaces it with "22 Elm St."... and then crosses out "ANDY DAVIS" and writes "SID". Wow, a reference to Sid. Didn't see THAT coming.

So the others all jump inside the new box, and Buzz says goodbye to Rosey and Jade... who kisses Buzz. Aren't he and Jessie supposed to be an item?

The toys make it back to Andy's, and are even able to make it there just before he comes home. The script calls Andy "the ADD Poster Boy", by the way. After Andy shows up and talks about how much fun he had, he leaves and Woody, Jessie and Buzz talk about the crazy little adventure that they had. So, all's well that ends well, right?

Well, no - then the toys hear Andy opening a letter from the Wocka-Wocka Toy Factory and then telling his mom that something's wrong with Buzz and that they've gotta send him to China. Woody gives Buzz a nervous look, and then the script ends. During the credits, we see all the recalled toys, now fixed, finding kids of their own.

I don't know which script was worse, the first one or THIS. At first I was like, "Well, this isn't GOOD, but it's not god-awful..." and then they shipped Buzz to Taiwan and things quickly go downhill. For one thing, the script apes Toy Story 2 way too much - the toys going on a mission to rescue another toy, the sad backstory for one of the new toys, the "race to get home before Andy does" climax... characters act like jerks to each other, the jokes fall flat, and there's way too much "risque" humor. I did not need to read Buzz and Rex cursing. Mr. Kagoy was kind of cool, though, I'll give it that.

We were incredibly lucky to wind up with the PIXAR-made Toy Story 3 that we actually got. We dodged an enormous bullet. No, actually, make that TWO enormous bullets. Heck, THREE, considering there's still the script for the Circle 7's planned Finding Nemo sequel that I need to look at. But we'll do that one another time.

To keep this post from ending on a completely negative note, here's a funny scene from Cars:

UPDATE: Greetings from 2023! In December 2022, months after I posted this, YouTube channel Hemmas Studios revealed that there was a THIRD Circle 7 Toy Story 3 script that the "Buzz gets recalled" script was chosen over. I won't be doing a post about that script since it doesn't appear to be online, but it was written by Jim Herzfeld (who seems like a really nice guy, by the way) before he was asked to work on the script we just looked at. The script was about Andy's mother getting married to Andy's soccer coach, who has a daughter around Andy's age with a bunch of toys of her own. They go on vacation to Mexico, where the toys meet a group of knockoff toys led by a bootleg Buzz named El Buzz. And they also fight smugglers. It sounded... at least slightly better than either of the scripts we looked at. You can find the video on YouTube, just look up Hemmas Studios (the videos on that channel are great!).

Back to the Drawing Board: The Circle 7 Versions of "Toy Story 3", or How Disney Learned to Stop Worrying and Try to Be PIXAR, Part 1

Part 1: "Circle 7" or "Sleepover at Granny's"

I think you should know what Back to the Drawing Board is about by now. If not, just read my previous posts in this series.

So, let's travel back in time to 2004. Animation-wise, 2004 wasn't a great year for Disney. The theatrical animated films that they released that year, Home on the Range and Teacher's Pet, both flopped. They were still pumping out crappy direct-to-video sequels. And they were having a bit of a falling-out with PIXAR, mainly due to Michael Eisner being... well, Michael Eisner. PIXAR was planning to go solo for their future releases, and Eisner was just fine with that. But wait - wouldn't Disney still own the rights to PIXAR's films that they HAD distributed? Ee-yup. Surely there was a way they could use that to their advantage. And as I just said, this was during the time period where Disney was obsessed with making direct-to-video sequels to their animated movies. So then somebody came up with the idea of making direct-to-video sequels to PIXAR's films.

Thus was founded a new animation studio called Circle 7, which would create sequels to Toy Story, Finding Nemo, and Monsters Inc. and allow them to profit off of PIXAR's work even if they didn't have PIXAR to create movies for them that were actually, y'know, good, and as such would still make money for them.

At least two scripts for a third Toy Story movie (boy, remember when there were only two Toy Story movies and we were all wondering when they were gonna make a third one?) were whipped up by the studio. One script was written by Bill and Cheri Steinkellner, another submitted by Jim Herzfeld. The latter was the one they wound up going with. By the way, apparently both Tom Hanks and John Ratzenberger refused to reprise their roles for this planned third film.

Then came 2006. Once Eisner left and Bob Iger became CEO of Disney, he decided to buy PIXAR for 7.4 billion dollars and close down Circle 7. Thus, Toy Story 3 was cancelled, along with sequels to Monsters Inc. and Finding Nemo. Of course, later PIXAR would try their hand at making a Toy Story 3, a Finding Nemo sequel, and a prequel to Monsters Inc. - so whenever you complain about PIXAR making too many sequels since 2009, just remember that it could've been much worse.

Now, both of those aforementioned scripts written for Circle 7's Toy Story 3 have wound up online. This allows us to read them for ourselves and discover just how big of a bullet we dodged. And that's exactly what we're going to do today!

First up, Bill and Cheri's script:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yWmNVZJRXlf-0RYvHpIYCtvnzSD5OJ9g/view

NOTE: No concept art for this version of the script exists online, so I'm just going to pepper the post with Toy Story related memes, Photoshopped images, and the occasional somewhat relevant screencap from one of the actual Toy Story movies. Since, you know, just having text would make for a very visually boring post.

The script begins with Hamm being murdered. Wow, this version of Toy Story 3 is even darker than PIXAR's, and that had the toys almost fall into an incinerator!

The toys are all on a train, and everyone is wondering who could've been the one to, for lack of a more clever euphuism, fry Hamm's bacon. Woody deduces that whoever it was that did it didn't want Hamm to squeal (pig jokes) on whoever stole the Hope Marble. And that "whoever it was"? Bo Peep! But then Woody yanks off her mask a la Scooby-Doo to reveal that she's actually Mrs. Potato Head! How Mrs. Potato Head could possibly fit in a Bo Peep costume, I don't know. And then Woody yanks off Mrs. Potato Head's mask to reveal that she's actually Rex!

Woody is all "You're under arrest, Rex!" and then Rex is all "You'll never take me alive!" and takes out a suction-cup dart pistol. But then Buzz shows up and tackles Rex. Then Rex reveals that he's tied Jessie to the cow-catcher - which, for those unaware, is that bumper-like thing at the front of a train. And yes, I did have to look that up. Rex escapes. Woody tells Buzz to save Jessie while he takes care of Rex. But just when it seems like Woody has Rex cornered, Rex reveals that A) the train is heading for an unfinished bridge and B) Rex has a parachute that he can use to escape. Okay, seriously, what villain is THIS prepared?

Blah-blah-blah, Buzz saves Jessie and then... oh, it was all just Andy playing with his toys. We were seeing how it went down in his head. Y'know, just like the opening of the Toy Story 3 that we got, train and all (only not as cool). One might think that isn't just a coincidence. But I highly doubt that anyone at PIXAR actually read this script, and even if they did I doubt they would want to steal ideas from it. So I think it's probably indeed just a coincidence.

Once Andy leaves the room, the toys discuss what the heck just went down. Jessie complains about having to be the damsel in distress, and then we get an awkward joke about Buzz having the hots for Jessie... and then trying to change the subject by going over to a chair and saying, "Hey, look at that! Great chair! That's real wood!" Okay, I'll say this, that was actually kind of funny. And no, I'm not going to make a joke about his "That's real wood" line. I'm not THAT immature. Rex says that he doesn't like playing the bad guy, then everybody starts accusing each other of actually stealing the "Hope Marble".

Say, how come marbles in the Toy Story world aren't sentient too? They're toys, aren't they?

Anyhow, Woody gets them to all stop fighting, saying, "You're letting your imaginations run away with you. We're all friends here. And friends trust each other." I sense that's going to be the moral of this script. Woody goes all Sherlock Holmes and deduces that Andy took the marble with him when he left the room. Except that no he didn't. The marble is in Rex's butt. Eugh.

Okay, so let's get the plot moving. Woody and Buzz tell the other toys that Andy is having his room redecorated. It's only gonna take one day, so Andy and some of his toys will be sleeping over at his grandmother's house. The toys are all "Oh, heck no!" because Andy's grandma is a crazy old lady who lives in a creepy old house on top of a hill (like all creepy old houses).

We cut to Andy, Woody, Buzz, Hamm, Rex, Jessie, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky Dog, and Bullseye arriving at the grandma's house. Andy's grandma establishes herself as being a few sea turtles short of an East Australian Current. She tells Andy and the toys a terrifying bedtime story, and the toys of course begin theorizing that the house is haunted. Woody is all "Come on, guys, that's ridiculous!" and then they all hear a weird noise. And then we get Mystery Movie Cliché Number Seventy-Five: a character claims that the weird noise is "just the wind". Oh, and did I mention that there's a thunder and lightning storm going on outside? That would be Mystery Movie Cliché Number Seventy-Four. And then Mystery Movie Cliché Number Seventy-Six - the power going out - shows up. "You've gotta be kidding me," Woody mutters, doing my job for me.

Andy and the toys get in bed. Mr. Potato Head says that he, uh, left one of his parts downstairs. Well, not HIS parts per say... actually, it's Mrs. Potato Head's lips. Make up your own joke here. Buzz offers to go downstairs with Woody and get them, but Rex brings up Mystery Movie Cliché Number Seventy-Seven: if the characters split up, it backfires on them spectacularly. So the toys all go downstairs together. Mr. Potato Head finds his wife's lips and starts making out with them (again, make up your own joke here). But, oh no! There's something scurrying in the shadows! And then there's a rumbling noise, and a stack of firewood comes tumbling down on Woody! Buzz knocks him out of the way and is promptly sent flying into the lit fireplace. Woody tries to save Buzz, but winds up lassoing a flaming stick.

But then a British-accented sock monkey shows up and saves Buzz. He introduces himself as Jack Challenger, but the script calls him Hee-Hee, and all the toys think he's the best thing since sliced bread. When Woody sees Hee-Hee, he thinks he looks familiar. I'm guessing that this is foreshadowing.

Then another sock monkey shows up. She's lumpier, wears glasses, and sounds like her sinuses are clogged. Her name is Gladiola (isn't that a musical instrument?), and she and Hee-Hee belong to Andy's grandma. We get some more exposition about Hee-Hee - Andy's grandma bought him at a place called Sotheby's, he's been all around the world, and he even encountered Nazis. Yes, Nazis. I did not make that up.

The toys go gaga over Hee-Hee... except for Woody, who's jealous. Hmmm... Woody is jealous of a newcomer who everyone else treats like a god? Where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah, in the FIRST Toy Story. Buzz gets the idea to arrange it so that Andy finds Hee-Hee and Gladiola when he wakes up and takes them home with his toys. Everyone except Woody loves that idea.

As they all head back up to the bedroom, Woody tells Buzz that he's got a bad feeling about Hee-Hee. Buzz, predictably, is all "Oh, you're just jealous" and even brings up how jealous Woody was when HE came along. Ah, so they point out that they're repeating a plotline from the first movie, so that automatically makes it okay.

I know how this is gonna go down: Woody will continue to be suspicious of Hee-Hee. The other toys will brush him off as being jealous. But then it'll turn out that Hee-Hee is evil and Woody will have to defeat him. I've seen episodes of cartoons with this exact plotline. But, for now, we have Bullseye lagging behind the rest of the group, getting distracted by a leaking faucet, and suddenly being snatched up by a shadow that totally belongs to Hee-Hee. The toys look around for Bullseye, and then Andy's grandma's cat shows up and starts chasing them around. Eventually, they all wind up in a room where Andy's grandma keeps... porcelain eggs. The cat knocks the eggs off the shelf and the toys have to save them. Mr. Potato Head starts singing "Memory" from Cats (remember when that was just a Broadway musical and not a creepy movie starring James Corden and Rebel Wilson?)… a joke that honestly feels more like something out of a DreamWorks movie than something that was pretending to be a PIXAR movie. Buzz and Hee-Hee trap the cat under the glass lid of a cake platter, but now Slinky's missing too.

Rex slips on some Scrabble letters on the floor. Hee-Hee suggests that the letters are some sort of clue, but they're hopelessly jumbled now, so Hamm has to rearrange them. He deduces that the kidnapper is somebody named "PINK EYE MEL" because he's apparently now a massive idiot.

"There's only one place in this house we're safe, and that's back with Andy," Woody proclaims. So the toys all head upstairs. We get more of Buzz ignoring Woody in favor of the sock monkey who's TOTALLY not the film's main villain. Woody still doesn't trust Hee-Hee, so he refuses to let Hee-Hee come with them into the bedroom. But then he winds up accidentally closing the door while arguing with Buzz. And it's locked. So now everyone's mad at Woody.

The toys go into Andy's grandma's music room, where Gladiola mentions that she heard Andy's grandma talking to his mother on the phone - saying that there's not going to be space for all of his toys in his new room, so he's only keeping two. That doesn't do anything to calm the toys down. Hamm suggests that the whole thing was Andy's idea - since he's getting older he might not want a room full of toys.

Suddenly, they hear the creak of a door opening in the hallway. The shuffling of footsteps. A dark shadow. The toys all hide behind the curtains, but there's no room for Rex, so he tries to camouflaged himself in front of a painting of a jungle landscape. A flash of lightning reveals that the shadow belongs to Andy's grandma, carrying a bundle wrapped in a checkered handkerchief. After the grandma leaves, the toys deduce that she's picking them off one by one so she can get rid of them and that she's carrying Slinky and Bullseye in that handkerchief. Mr. Potato Head then says, "On the bright side, there's less competition for those two slots." Wow, way to be a jerk, Potato Head. Though I suppose that's not really out-of-character...

Woody, Buzz, and Hee-Hee head off to save Slinky and Bullseye. We get some more foreshadowing with Hee-Hee telling Woody to be careful, since "Accidents happen when you least expect them. But then again, you already know that. Don't you?" Hmmm, I wonder what he means by that...

The three follow the grandmother out of the house and through her garden. Buzz continues ignoring Woody and being all chummy with Hee-Hee. Y'know, Buzz, if you really don't want Woody to be jealous of Hee-Hee, I'd recommend telling him that Hee-Hee isn't going to replace him as your best friend. Then again, you probably already consider Hee-Hee your new best friend by now. Anyhow, Woody winds up lagging behind, and when Buzz realizes this he heads off to find him. Woody is all terrified and sees something move in the darkness that looks suspiciously like the tail of a sock monkey. Way to give away who the twist villain is, script. Then he walks right into a spider web and winds up with a spider on his back. Meanwhile, Buzz explores a tool shed and falls down some stairs, resulting in his head falling off. Okay, I know it's an obvious joke, but... I've heard of losing your head, but this is ridiculous.

Buzz gets into some WACKY SHENANIGANS before finally getting his head back on, then finally finds Woody. Hee-Hee shows up and attacks Woody, claiming that it's so he can defend Buzz, but I think it's pretty safe to say by now that Hee-Hee's up to no good. After that, the three sneak over to the greenhouse and peek in, seeing Andy's grandma getting it on with her gardener. Before we can make heads or tails of THAT, who should show up but a garden gnome. His name is Angus, and he thinks that Woody and Buzz are peepers who get a kick out of watching old people do the nasty. And we get another clue that Hee-Hee is totally the twist villain - Angus recognizes him and says that he saw when the grandmother was making him, contradicting Hee-Hee's earlier claim that he was purchased at Sotheby's.

At that moment, Gladiola shows up and tells them that Jessie's in trouble. Once they're back inside the house, Mr. Potato Head and Hamm explain that they heard a noise coming from the pantry and Jessie went in to see what it was, but she hasn't come back out. When they peek inside the pantry, Jessie's not in there. Then it's revealed that Andy's grandma's house has a dumbwaiter hidden in the walls, which the toys use to get to the attic.

The attic is full of mousetraps, all of which promptly go off and attack Woody. They don't find Jessie, but they do find her hat, plus some more Scrabble tiles that spell out the words "NO ONE WILL TAKE MY PLACE". Everyone leaves the attic and gathers together in another room, because it's time for Woody to go all Sherlock Holmes again, and he deduces that there's foul play at work in the house. The only ones there besides them are Andy and his grandma, and since Andy's asleep and the grandma's busy getting her freak on with the gardener, Buzz and Hamm deduce that one of them is the culprit. Uh oh, now it's time for the "everybody starts believing that anyone aside from them is the one kidnapping everyone" cliché. Mr. Potato Head thinks that Hamm is the culprit because he said that he heard Andy and his mom talking about his room being redecorated the other day back at the beginning of the script. Hamm thinks it's Rex, because when they arrived at the grandma's house, Andy's mom told Andy that when he gets back he'll have a brand new room... to which Rex said, "If we make it through the night." "And why would you say that unless you KNEW some of us weren't coming home?!" Hamm demands. Then Rex comes to the conclusion that Mr. Potato Head is the culprit, and he left his wife's lips downstairs on purpose so he could lure them down here. And from there he also claims that Potato Head also used remote controlled logs to try and get rid of Buzz. Upon hearing this, Potato Head says that Rex couldn't be the culprit because he's too stupid.

Woody says that it couldn't have been one of Andy's toys. "We're friends. We trust each other," he says. Hamm concurs, then guesses that Gladiola did it... just before we see that Gladiola somehow got her head caught between the slats of an end table. So that crosses her off the list. Woody then says what I'm thinking and suggest that Hee-Hee's the culprit, what with him seemingly being absent whenever somebody vanishes. Hee-Hee then claims that Woody's the culprit because he, too, is seemingly absent whenever somebody vanishes. "Accidents seem to happen around you a lot, Woody," he says. Look, would you just come out and reveal that you're the bad guy already?

Buzz tells everyone to stop bickering, that whoever's doing this isn't going to try anything so long as they're all together, and that they'll all just stay in that room until morning. Later that night, Mr. Potato Head decides to leave the room and get something to read, telling the others that if he leaves and the rest of them stay in the room, they can't do anything to him and he can't do anything to them. He heads down to the library, then finds a book and opens it. He says, "That's weird." But we don't get any more detail than that. Suddenly, footsteps. He hides behind a reading chair, but whoever it is that's been kidnapping the others nabs him, too.

Meanwhile, in the room where the other toys are, the lights just so happen to go out again (did they ever come back on after the first time?) at the very same time that Mr. Potato Head is out, and everyone goes crazy. When the lights go back on, Hee-Hee's missing and they hear him calling for Buzz from out in the hallway. Woody heads off to find Potato Head and Buzz heads off to find Hee-Hee. And then Hamm gets yanked off as soon as Rex's back is turned, prompting Rex and Gladiola to run out of the room and into the hallway... where Rex is promptly snatched up.

In the library, Woody and Buzz don't find Mr. Potato Head, but they DO find those Scrabble tiles spelling out that same message... and dust, in which Mr. Potato Head has written "I KNOW WHO DID IT! IT WAS" accompanied by a smudge in the dust. Buzz points out that Potato Head should've just written the name instead of a big, long message. Then Hee-Hee and Gladiola show up. Hee-Hee has an alibi, but just as he's going into another one of his spiels about how awesome he is, Woody finds the book that Mr. Potato Head was reading before he got nabbed and discovers that the words in the book are the exact same words that Hee-Hee is saying. And the book is called "SAFARI OF FEAR: A JACK CHALLENGER STORY". And also on the shelf are more books starring the actual Jack Challenger, each one of them about an adventure just like the "adventures" that Hee-Hee told them about. "He stole the stories from the books!" Woody snaps. "He's not an adventurer. He's a liar! And not a very original one, either."

Hee-Hee confesses everything... his name is actually Hee-Hee, he's not from Sotheby's, and his British accent is fake. Why did he do it? Well, according to Hee-Hee, it was Christmas eve, exactly one year after Gladiola was made. Andy's grandma decided to try and make another sock monkey. After Hee-Hee was finished, the grandma placed him next to Woody. They were both supposed to be Christmas presents for Andy, but Woody moved his arm and knocked over a tube of glue, which promptly spilled all over Hee-Hee's head. It's never specified if Woody did it on purpose or if it was an accident, but Hee-Hee clearly thinks it's the former. Andy's grandma washed him in the sink, then hung him from a clothesline to dry... in the middle of December, resulting in Hee-Hee being frozen solid. So Hee-Hee spent Christmas thawing out in a microwave while Woody wound up being given to Andy. After that, Andy's grandma kept him in the library, where he read all those Jack Challenger books. Then she moved him to the closet, where he met Gladiola and lied to her about his being Jack Challenger because he couldn't bear to tell her that he was "just another unwanted toy".

"He thinks I took his place with Andy! Now he wants to take my place!" Woody deduces. "Get rid of us, one by one, till there's no one left but you and Buzz. Then the two of you will go home with Andy!" Hee-Hee says that he's not a murderer, then runs out of the room, Gladiola running out after him. Buzz tells Woody that he should apologize, without asking Woody for his side of the story. I mean, call me crazy, but I highly doubt that Woody would intentionally douse Hee-Hee with glue and sabotage his chance to be one of Andy's toys. It was clearly just an accident, right? Are we going to get any detail as to what happened? Buzz is all "Hee-Hee rocks, you stink, Woody" to which Woody says, "Fine, Buzz. We're through. Go off with your new best friend."

Buzz sadly leaves, then Woody gets an idea to "give [Buzz] evidence" using the Scrabble tiles. Meanwhile, Gladiola searches the basement for Hee-Hee, finds the furnace, and stares at it as knitting needles loom up in front of her. When Woody hears her screaming, he rushes into the basement and finds, to his horror, two knitting needles, a pile of Gladiola-colored yarn, and Gladiola's glasses. Then Buzz appears at the top of the stairs and, of course, thinks that Woody murdered Gladiola. Then Hee-Hee shows up, and he, too, thinks Woody murdered Gladiola and tackles him.

Eventually, Woody and Hee-Hee start dueling like swordsmen with the knitting needles. At one point, Hee-Hee ducks just as Woody is swinging his needle at him, resulting in the needle thwacking Buzz in the head and sending him flying over the railing. The fight spills into the kitchen (this has been a very long night, I've noticed. Shouldn't the sun be rising by now?), where Hee-Hee manages to knock Woody's needle out of his hand, giving him the opportunity to lunge at Woody with a hand mixer. Methinks Hee-Hee is a bit bloodthirsty... though Woody's a toy, so he technically doesn't have blood, so I suppose that would make Hee-Hee... stuffing-thirsty?

Woody jumps, and lands on the stove, giving Hee-Hee the opportunity to mess with the burner knobs in an attempt to flambé Woody. Then once Woody swings over to the kitchen counter via some paper towels, Hee-Hee tips over a jar of Crisco. Blah-blah-blah, more fighting, blah-blah-blah, and eventually they both wind up in the library. Hee-Hee uses his yo-yo to wrap Woody up, but Woody grabs the string of the yo-yo and gives it a hard yank. Hee-Hee flies forward... and, to Woody's horror, tumbles into the heating duct.

And horrible timing does its thing as Buzz just so happens to be standing in the doorway. Woody insists that he didn't mean to kill Hee-Hee, but then the Scrabble tiles spill out of his pant leg. So now Buzz thinks Woody kidnapped all the other characters, too. Woody says he only had the letters because he was going to plant them on Hee-Hee, since he was so clearly the actual kidnapper. But Buzz doesn't believe any of that. He thinks that Woody got rid of everybody else so that he and Buzz would be the two toys that Andy would bring back with him. Buzz chases Woody around the house, and eventually they wind up on the roof.

Soon, Buzz has Woody cornered. He announces that he's going to wrap Woody in Scotch tape and put him in storage so he can never hurt another toy again. Then the weathervane sends Buzz flying down the sloping roof. He's clinging to the gutter, and Woody is all, "BUZZ! GIVE ME YOUR HAND!", but Buzz refuses because he still thinks Woody is a murderer. But Woody gives a big speech about how he's Buzz's best friend and how he'd never do anything to hurt him and blah-blah-blah. Buzz realizes that, hey, maybe he shouldn't have judged the situation strictly by how it looked as opposed to taking Woody's character (which he should know pretty well, seeing as they've been pals for at least a year) into account and grabs his hand. And then Woody's feet slip and they land in a tree. Buzz's head falls off again. By the way, why didn't Buzz acknowledge at all that Hee-Hee attacked Woody and that Woody might have just been acting out of self-defense? Then again, it's likely that he sided with Hee-Hee...

Buzz admits that he should have trusted Woody instead of letting Hee-Hee "pull the wool over [his] eyes". Then Woody realizes something - earlier, Gladiola said she was one hundred percent wool, and that yarn that was Gladiola's supposed remains in the basement? It wasn't wool. It was acrylic. This is the cue for a net of yarn to fall over Woody and Buzz and yank them into the air. Gladiola shows up and explains why she did everything - she was in love with Hee-Hee, and she didn't want to share him. Then when Andy's toys showed up, at first she just tried to scare them away, but then realized that the only way to keep them away from Hee-Hee was to get rid of them one by one. She made up that story about Andy getting rid of them to make them suspect each other, thus getting them off her trail. To make extra-sure that nobody would suspect her, she faked her own dismemberment in the basement. And yes, she's really, really angry that Hee-Hee is gone and Woody and Buzz might be indirectly responsible.

Gladiola drags Woody and Buzz over to a trash can and throws them in, where they find their friends. And there's a garbage truck nearby. Uh-oh. "We're headed for the landfill!" Woody exclaims. So that's ANOTHER similarity to the Toy Story 3 that we got. Again, I'm guessing it's just a coincidence. Fortunately, Jessie manages to get free and untie the others, but the garbage man arrives and hurls the trash bag into the back of the truck. Fortunately, Rex manages to chew through the bag. The truck comes to a stop. They all get ready to jump...

And then the garbage man empties more trash on them. Wah wah wah wah wah...

As the toys are being taken to the dump, back at Grandma's house, it's revealed that Hee-Hee is alive. He's braced himself against the sides of the shaft, and manages to escape via his yo-yo. He reunites with Gladiola, who fills him in on what's been going on, and he rushes after the truck.

Meanwhile, the toys are stuck in the trash compactor. Fortunately, there's a small opening in the roof eight feet above them. But how will they get up that high? Easy - there's a can of Redi-Whip with "CAUTION: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE" nearby. Buzz tries to use it to get them to safety... but it doesn't work. Fortunately, Hee-Hee shows up and uses his yo-yo to get them all to safety. So now they're all on top of the truck. However, the truck is heading for the freeway and Mr. Potato Head winds up falling over the edge and landing on the compactor level at the back of the truck. The compressor creaks open, and trash flies out of it. So now the toys have to form a chain to save Mr. Potato Head. He winds up getting covered in sour cream (don't ask), and then a farm truck with a bunch of pigs loaded in the flatbed shows up.

Then the toys use a Pizza Planet box as a makeshift sled. Well, except Hee-Hee, who can't join them because a loose piece of his yarn is snagged on a rusty ironing board in the truck. So they all go back to save him by having the farm truck tow them along. Long story short, they manage to save Hee-Hee. They all go flying into a drainage ditch. The farmer driving the truck, by the way, is now a conspiracy theorist who thinks aliens shrunk one of his pigs. It makes sense in context.

Hee-Hee thanks Woody for saving his life, and they make it back to the grandmother's house using the old "stick a carrot in front of a horse" trick... or in this case, stick a Mr. Potato Head in front of a hungry pig. Gladiola apologizes for everything, and they of course forgive her. Hee-Hee tells her that she didn't need to go on a killing spree to show her feelings... he'd known that she loved him all along. In fact, he loves her, but he was too afraid to say so too. We still don't get any explanation as to why Woody doused Hee-Hee in glue, but I think by this point we're just supposed to assume that it was an accident.

Andy and the toys come home. We end with Buzz and Jessie making out. And I'm really glad that this isn't the Toy Story 3 we wound up with. The "sleepover at grandma's" plot seems a bit, for lack of a better word, small to base a third movie in a beloved cinema trilogy on. Also, it's needlessly dark. Not that the Toy Story 3 we got isn't dark, too (need I bring up the incinerator?), but here we've got characters turning on each other and fighting and trying to kill each other... jeez. Reading this actually made me feel uncomfortable. At least Hee-Hee turned out to be alive, though. And I'm glad he and Woody made up in the end. I kind of liked the climax, too. But I can safely say that I vastly prefer the Toy Story 3 that we got.

This is just part one of our look at Circle 7's proposed Toy Story 3. We still have Jim's script to look at. But, to keep this post from being unbelievably long, it's going to be a two-parter. So you guys have that to look forward to. Stay tuned...

Can it get worse? Yes. Yes it can. Click on this link to read Part 2!