Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Butt-Ugly Martians"

You know, sometimes all you have to do is hear a show's name and it gives you a good idea as to whether or not you'd like the show. This is one of those times. "Butt-Ugly Martians"? Who would want to watch a show about "butt-ugly martians"?

Apparently, not that many people, because the show only got one season consisting of only twenty-six episodes. It premiered on the British TV network CITV in Febuary 2001, then popped up on Teletoon in Canada and Nickelodeon in the United States. It was created by Michael Train and developed by Mike Young, Pamela Hickey, Dennys McCoy, and Bill Schultz. It managed to get some video games and a toy line before getting the axe, presumably for being a crappy show.

The premise? Well, some ugly martians named B-Bop A-Luna (voiced by Charlie Schlatter), 2T Fru-T (Rob Paulsen), and Do-Wah Diddy (Jess Harnell) are reluctantly sent to Earth by their ruler, Emperor Bog (S. Scott Bullock), so they can conquer it. But when they get there, they discover that it's a great place and decide to stay there, sending fake progress reports to their boss so he doesn't know that they haven't actually conquered it.

Okay, so the name of the show isn't the only reason why I had low expectations going in. There was also the ugly CGI, the fact that a lot of people online seem to dislike it, things like that. But, it's still an obscure animated cartoon, so of course I was gonna wind up reviewing it for my blog. Per usual, I just picked an episode of the show at random and wound up watching "You Bet Your Planet". Is the show as bad as it looks? Well, let's find out...

The episode begins at the Mos Eisley Cantina. You will never find a more poorly-rendered hive of crude CGI models.

Maybe this looked way more impressive back in 2001, but then again,
Monsters Inc. was released back in 2001 too, and the animation in THAT
still looks pretty good for the most part, so...

The three butt-ugly martians are giving a speech about how they're the champions of the galaxy's most dangerous game, called "Togut" or something like that, but they've decided to stop playing it. This reporter guy named Rinko is all "Noooooooo, you can't quit! I make a lot of money off you guys!", and then some guards come in looking for him. I'm guessing he owes them money or something.

Somebody get this guy some wrinkle cream.

Before running off, Rinko gives the martians some sort of portable gambling device. B-Bop says that they should get rid of it because they're against the law in this sector. Rinko comes back to grab it... just in time for the guards to spot him and arrest them all.

Then we get the show's theme song. It's painful to listen to. The martians can't sing to save their lives (and I know for a fact that Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell are good singers, so don't ask me what happened here). And yet despite that the song will STILL wind up in your head and never leave. If you listen to it, you'll have "We are the martians, the butt-ugly martians..." echoing around in your brain for the rest of the day.

Just ignore the evil martian in the background there, he doesn't appear in this
episode.

They also keep shouting "B! K-M!" for some reason. What does that stand for? Shouldn't it be "B-U-M"? Y'know, as in "Butt-Ugly Martians"? Maybe the martians noticed that it also spells "bum" and didn't want anyone to think they were lazy slackers or something...

Okay, back to the episode.

"We're just going to judge this strictly by how it looks and assume that you're
criminals without giving you the chance to explain yourselves!"

The Zoidberg-esque guards are all "You are under arrest!" and we get a quote-unquote "epic" battle between them and the martians. Eventually they escape with Rinko in tow, and he promises that he'll never forget this... and sure enough, he didn't! It turns out that this was all just a flashback to something that happened a millennium ago. He's paid the martians a visit so he can trap them in a giant glowing bubble and then make them an offer they can't refuse... because if they do, he'll turn them to dust.

"That stupid Good Witch of the North said this was the only way to travel.
Not ONCE did she mention how cramped it was in one of these things!"

You see, Rinko is in debt and apparently he doesn't have the money to pay what he owes, so the only way he can get out of it is by having the martians play a game of "Togut". Or he could just get a job and get the money he needs by EARNING it, but this guy's clearly kind of crooked so I'm guessing he never even considered that.

The martians agree... but it turns out they only said that so Rinko would let them out of that cramped bubble. Once he does, B-Bop casually says, "We lied." Fortunately, Rinko has another way of getting them to play "Togut" again - he informs them that if they don't win, Earth will be destroyed. The martians agree.

Later that day, the martians get a visit from their Earthling friends. Say hello to Mike (Rob Paulsen), Angela (Kath Souice), and Cedric (Ogie Banks). Mike's the redhead, Angela's the girl, and Cedric's the kid with the glasses.

They look like the mannequins from the Old Navy commericals.

The martians explain to them what's going on, and then we get a training montage. Eventually, they're ready to start... but all of a sudden, some sort of poorly-rendered space rock thing crash-lands on Earth! Then we cut to this guy... uh, hello? What happened to the "Togut" game? The Earth's gonna be destroyed if the martians don't win, aren't the stakes already pretty high? We don't need another plot thread shoehorned in.

"Good lord! I'm getting a reading of over forty megafonzies!"

This is Stoat Muldoon (Robert Stack). He's an alien hunter who keeps encountering the martians on Earth, but every time he does, the martians erase his memory. He's not a bad guy, just overly zealous.

After spending a few seconds with Stoat, we cut back to the martians... so, I guess we're just gonna ignore the space rock thing, then. The martians' opponent for the "Togut" game - a gigantic martian in a robotic suit named Humanga (S. Scott Bullock) - shows up. He and the martians do some trash-talking, with 2T telling him to "Stick the attitude in your piehole!" (whatever THAT means).

"Yes, I know I sound like Yakko Warner. You don't have to keep pointing that out."

So how exactly is this "Togut" game played? Well, according to Rinko, Humanga will try to slam an asteroid into Earth. And the martians will have to stop him. That's it? That's not really a "game", is it? Seems more like the martians stopping some evil dude from destroying a planet. This is what's considered a thrilling sport for martians? Keeping each other from smashing planets with asteroids?

Also, is it just me, or does Humanga kind of look like a Machamp?

Okay, a Machamp is a fighting-type Pokemon, and according to the internet fighting-type
Pokemon are weak against flying-type, poison-type, bug-type, ghost-type, and fairy-type
Pokemon... so, all the martians need is to find a Covisquire, an Arbok, an Alakazam, a Kricketune,
a Dusknoir, or a Clefairy.

Rinko teleports the martians and Humanga onto the asteroid so they can begin the game. Back on Earth, Stoat's device thing alerts him of the asteroid heading for Earth, so he rushes off to destroy it. Which is terrific except that if he destroys the asteroid, he'll also destroy the martians that are playing a rousing game of "Keep the Earth From Being Smashed Like a Graham Cracker" on it.

While Mike, Angela, and Cedric are distracting Stoat, the martians manage to take out Humanga. They win, the Earth is saved, episode over, right? Alas, no - Humanga returns and re-directs the asteroid back towards Earth. So the martians go through some sort of Power Rangers-esque transformation sequence and gain some cool armor.

And they didn't do this at the beginning of the game becaaaaaaaaaaaaause?

And then Humanga beats the crap out of them. Wow. Fail.

Fortunately, back on Earth Angela fires some sort of satellite that sends a flaming Cheeto rocketing towards the asteroid. It lands, cracking the asteroid in half. Humanga falls into the chasm. 2T calls up Mike on his wrist communicator thing to tell him to get Stoat to fire the laser at precise coordinates to take out the asteroid. The martians start collecting disintegrator cells. Humanga manages to climb out of the chasm, but the martians tie him up before getting the heck out of their. Cedric enters the coordinates, Stoat fires the laser, and KA-BOOM goes the asteroid.

"Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state..."

"The Earth is saved once again!" Stoat exclaims. But there's no response from the martians, so the kids think they got caught in the explosion. Spoiler alert: they're actually alive. They give Cedric the portable betting thing so Rinko won't drag them into another game of "Togut". The end.

He kind of looks like Megamind.

What's the Verdict?

I think the only reason why I don't consider this show worse is because I had extremely small expectations going in (again, it's a show called "Butt-Ugly Martians"). That doesn't mean that the show is even remotely good. Problem 1 - for a show with three-dimensional graphics, the characters are flat. The martians have no distinguishable personalities. We get some implications that 2T's the "smart one" of the bunch, but aside from that, zilch. They're just three wisecracking Sonic the Hedgehog/Ninja Turtle wannabes. The kids, meanwhile, are your typical dull as dirt kid sidekick characters. Remember the kids from Wild Kratts? They're basically those guys. Problem 2 - the animation is bad. Really, really bad. The movements, the lip sync, the textures... it's practically on par with The Nuttiest Nutcracker. Even for early 2000s standards, it looks horrendous. Problem 3 - the writing is lousy. The plot - which, need I remind you, focuses on the Earth being at risk of getting clobbered by an asteroid - is unengaging and not one of the jokes are funny. The voice actors do their best with what they're given, but that's the one good thing I can say about this show. There are far better cartoons worth your time. But, to be fair, there are far worse too.

By the way, whatever happened to that flying space rock thing?