Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Birdz"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Oh-ho-ho, boy. I've got a really obscure one today.

Birdz is a Nelvana-produced cartoon created by Larry Jacobs. It premiered on CBS in October 1998 and received thirteen episodes. Why didn't it get more than thirteen episodes? Larry Jacobs explained why in an IMDB review - it aired Saturday mornings on CBS at eleven o'clock, after a two-hour news block. Any kids that might have been watching the channel earlier in the day presumably got tired of sitting through the news waiting for the cartoons to start and switched to the Disney Channel or The WB. And on top of that, the show was completely original and had no pre-sold materials like books (which meant no huge publisher behind the show to push for a better time slot), toys (so there wasn't a huge merchandiser to convince the higher-ups at CBS to give it a better time slot either) or movies. D'oh.

The show focused on Eddie Storkowitz (voiced by Susan Roman), an eleven-year-old bird of some unidentifiable species who lives in a world of anthropomorphic birds. He wants to become a filmmaker. He lives with his mother Betty (Sally Cahill); a professional artist, his father Monty (David Huband); a psychiatrist, his hippie older sister Steffy (Stephanie Morgenstern), and his baby sister Abby (Alison Sealy Smith). Eddie's friends include Gregory the Woodpecker (Rick Jones), Olivia the Owl (Karen Bernstein), Tommy the Turkey (Adam Reid), Spring the Robin (Ruby Smith Merovitz), and Sleepy the Bat (Julie Lemieux). Despite being anthropomorphic, the birds in Birdz still participate in bird behavior such as living in trees, flying, eating bugs, and flying south for the winter.

Those that remember Birdz look back on the show fondly, but is the show really as good as they claim? Let's find out. We'll be watching the episode "Big Beak or Not Big Beak". But first, the theme song:

Yes, the theme song is a cover of "Surfin' Bird". Who let Peter Griffin onto the show's staff?

The episode begins with Eddie filming his classroom with a video camera. "There's a buzz in the air..." he claims, "And it ain't from the flies. The big end-of-year assignment is due in a few days... a one-thousand-word essay that starts with the words 'I like me because...' Me, I'm just like the rest of these birds... putting it off to the very last minute."

...are big end of the year assignments really a thing? I don't remember ever having to write a thousand-word essay before the last day of school when I was eleven.

"Get that camera outta my face!"

Most of Eddie's classmates then reveal that they've actually finished their essays already. Sleepy, being a bat, was up all night anyway.

Interesting fact about Sleepy, he's apparently the only non-bird character in the entire series. Apparently Eddie's town is a birds-only society. If bats are allowed, shouldn't sugar gliders or flying squirrels be allowed as well? Heck, how come the BUGS aren't anthropomorphic? They can fly too.

I bet Sleepy is the star athlete of the school's baseball team.

Get it? 'Cause he's a BAT?

The teacher, Miss Finch (Jill Frappier)...

...no, not THAT one... reminds the class that their essays are due on Monday. After Eddie is all "Oh, yeah, I've totally got most of the essay started! And I'm not just saying that to cover up the fact that I'm putting it off until the last minute!", she tells him that if he can do it in video form. And since, as I've previously stated, Eddie wants to be a filmmaker, he's all over that. He asks Sleepy to start filming him as soon as Miss Finch is out of the room.

I can't think of a funny comment to make here, so have a bird joke: why do hummingbirds
hum? Because if they sang, they'd be singingbirds. Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD bird joke.

So Sleepy starts filming, but Eddie winds up falling into a fantasy sequence in which he is William Shakespeare and Miss Finch is totally in love with him. Yes, Eddie has the hots for his teacher and fantasizes about them being in a relationship. How very, very creepy.

Here we see William Storkspere putting the finishing touches on his latest play, Romeostrich
and Juliet.

(Note to self: think of better bird puns)

Eddie is snapped out of his incredibly creepy fantasy sequence by the actual Miss Finch, who makes a comment about his "noble proboscis". Too bad he doesn't know what a proboscis is, so when he gets home he looks it up on the internet. And just in case you couldn't tell that this was made in the 1990s, take a look at his computer:

Did computers actually look like that in 1998?

Eddie discovers that "proboscis" basically means "a very large nose" and freaks out because this means Miss Finch thinks he has a big beak. Meanwhile, I'm just imagining Eddie as one of those proboscis monkeys. Y'know, the ones with the huge schnozzes?

Speaking of imagining, Eddie has another fantasy sequence, this one depicting him as the Bigfoot-esque "Big-Beak". I honestly think depicting him as a proboscis monkey would've been funnier, but eh...

By the way, what's with that weird filter around the fantasy sequences?

Eddie asks his parents if they think he has a big beak. To which Monty says that yes, it is. "It's a Storkowitz family trait!" he declares, and they're very proud of it. This does nothing to make Eddie feel more confident.

I bet the Storkowitzes are called "nosy" a lot.

Y'know, the name "Storkowitz" implies that these guys are supposed to be, y'know, storks. Why don't they look even remotely like storks? This is what a stork looks like:

What, could they just not find a way to make an anthropomorphic stork look appealing? And while I'm asking questions, how come Monty has a British accent yet the rest of the family has American accents?

That night, Eddie has a dream in which he is the monster "Franken-Stork", being chased through town by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks. "Me not monster!" he insists. "You know they say: big beak, big heart." "Yes," Monty says, "He speaks true." "Should we judge him not for the size of his beak, but for the strength of his character?" Betty suggests. "No. He's ugly. GET HIM!" Steffy declares, and then they all beat the crap out of Eddie. I find this far funnier than I probably should.

"We don't like what we don't understand, in fact it scares us, and this monster is mysterious
at leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!"

Eddie wakes up screaming, and then screams some more upon discovering that Sleepy is standing in his room with a video camera. Because, hey, who WOULDN'T be terrified upon waking up to find one of your friends standing in your room video-taping you while you sleep?

"I'm uploading this to YouTube, by the way!"

Eddie declares that he must do something about his big beak. Makeup doesn't help. Trying to cover it up with a scarf doesn't either. Even wearing a paper bag over his head is hopeless. But then he receives a package in the mail... at night? Um, okay... and when he opens it up, he finds the Beak-Shrinker Deluxe!

Here's an idea, Eddie: maybe if somebody makes fun of your big beak, you could just
use it to poke their eye out. It would be a lot easier than trying to shrink it.

According to the manual, Eddie has to wear that thing for ninety days if he wants to have a smaller beak. His family is horrified upon seeing him wear it, and there are other drawbacks too. He has difficulty breathing and eating with it on, which leads to it snapping into a million pieces.

So that idea was a bust. Looks like he's only got one more option: PLASTIC SURGERY!

I like how the doctor is straight-up called "Dr. Quack". They even have Sleepy explain
the joke for us. Twice. Subtlety is for chumps...

Upon paying Dr. Quack a visit, Eddie discovers that he's a few sodas short of a six pack. As a rule of thumb, I would not recommend letting a doctor who sounds like Ed Wynn do surgery on you. But he shows Eddie a bunch of different beaks, we get a Michael Jackson reference, and then Eddie selects a smaller beak.

Shouldn't this guy actually be called "DUCK-tor Quack"?

(Note to self: continue thinking of better bird puns)

Then Dr. Quack shows Eddie his fee...

Maybe Eddie can pull some money out of his nest egg. Get it? Nest egg? 'Cause he's... yeah, okay... Dr. Quack recommends their convenient "Lay an Egg Away" Plan, which consists of two thousand easy payments of one dollar a month. "That sounds reasonable," Eddie says.

Come the day of the surgery, Eddie starts to have second thoughts. Especially when Sleepy says that he heard one time, Dr. Quack used someone's big toe to replace their thumb. This leads to another fantasy sequence... geez, there are even more of these than there are in Arthur... in which Eddie winds up with a gigantic toe for a nose, resulting in his beak being even LARGER.

"Why do I suddenly have a craving for Froot Loops?"

Eddie is so freaked-out by the fantasy sequence that he spends the whole day of school in a trance, only snapping out of it when he hears the bell ring. Oh, and just to add more stress to Eddie's life, he realizes that he completely forgot about the essay. He tries to sneak out of the classroom before Miss Finch spots him, resulting in another fantasy sequence.

Boy, this Patton remake is weeeeeeeeeeeeird...

Eddie's attempt at sneaking out of the classroom is a massive failure, and he admits to Miss Finch that his essay isn't done and that he would've done it but he was so distracted by her comment about his big beak. Miss Finch clarifies that she meant it as a compliment - after all, many historic birds had noble beaks just like his, such as George Flushington (how is that a bird pun?), Wingston Churchbill, and Orville and Warbler Wright. Eddie's self-confidence is restored.

This is admittedly a nitpick, but I don't like that there's no line showing where the birds'
beaks end and the rest of their head begins. It makes the beaks look more like snouts.

While he and Sleepy are walking out of the classroom, Eddie runs into Miss Finch's boyfriend, who has a beak even bigger than Eddie's... which results in Eddie calling up Dr. Quack and asking if there's any way they can make his beak BIGGER.

But, in the end, Eddie's video essay focuses on how silly he was for being so self-conscious about his gigantic schnozz. So I guess he didn't get that beak job after all.

What's the Verdict?

I think the other reason Birdz didn't become a bigger hit is because it doesn't have a whole lot to help it stand out from the crowd. That's not to say the show is bad - there are a lot of pretty funny jokes in the episode I watched. But when you put it alongside any other cartoon about a kid who goes to school, constantly comes up with zany schemes, does stupid things because he doesn't think his plans through... honestly, there's not much we haven't already seen in something like Doug or Arthur - both of whom I'm pretty sure did this exact same "character is self-conscious about their large nose" plot (well, the Arthur SHOW didn't, but the very first Arthur BOOK did). All it really has going for it is the "all the characters are birds" premise.

Looking at the rest of the episodes, it doesn't look like the show was any less generic. Not that many other episodes really did anything with the "all the characters are birds" thing - most of them were just generic kids' show plots. Like I said, this wasn't the worst cartoon I've ever seen, I don't think I would even call it bad. It's just okay.

I can't think of a funny way to conclude this review, so here's a teaser for the next edition of "Let's Watch This":